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the NOCD Community

Hey if anyone is struggling with this do you have any tips because I really need some support right now ,Thankyou:)

I am having a hard time today. I struggle with ocd especially over Christianity. I feel so alone because I've annoyed everyone in my family about it that they don't want me to bring it up anymore. I just want someone to talk to, another Christian to talk to who knows what I'm talking about.

My POCD and real events OCD is calling me a P, a chomo, and a r*pist for the horrible real events when I was 13… I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭  It’s making me feel like I know I’m a P or a chomo when I don't ever want to ever be those things… I perform avoidance compulsions all the time and I don’t want to be anywhere around kids… even accidentally standing next to one makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and anxious… it’s making me feel like that I know I’m what my POCD and real events OCD are telling me even when a former ocd psychiatrist has told me that I was a child, and that I didn’t have an adults “sexual understanding or responsibility. So, you can see why you didn't realise the horribleness of an event until you matured. So now, in the present, you know yourself to be a good moral person. It allows you to let go of the past…” and that the real events don’t make me a P or a chomo… In addition it’s making me feel like I’m what my ocd tells me that I am… I didn’t know how horrible the real events were at the time when I was 13… I really didn’t… my POCD and real events OCD keeps calling me a P and a Chomo for what happened when I was 13 when I didn’t know what any of that stuff was… I truly didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t…

So I’m starting therapy this week but I’ve been trying to use ERP myself, my main compulsion is rumination which I wasn’t even aware was a compulsion. I’m trying to do ERP but when I focus on observing the thought it goes, I dunno if I’m focusing too much on actually how to follow ERP or is this normal? I feel like I might be subconsciously blocking thoughts because I know how bad it is when I go down the rabbit hole, but then I also worry that the anxiety goes too quickly and that I’m finding it too easy to ignore the thought?

Does hocd causes lost of interest because this days i don't have interest in anything

Can you just hear me out and tell me what to do ?

Anyone else scared to be in another relationship again? I feel like I’ll end up hurting someone because of my so-ocd. I want to be with a man but my mind keeps telling me “what if you find out you’re gay later in the relationship” or “what if you’re not attracted to him”. All I tell myself is maybe, maybe not and that I can’t get a definitive answer on that. But still, it’s bothering me so much. I feel like I won’t be happy again, and all I have is the memories of my first/last relationship. I’m trying to be hopeful but I’m so broken.

Hi everyone, I’m new here and just wanted to see if there’s anyone out there who relates to me in any type of way so i don’t feel like a weirdo lol. I’ve had food anxiety my entire life, and it’s gotten progressively worse over the years. it started off with meat (chicken especially) now i’m scared of raw fruits and veggies (due to ecoli, salmonella, parasites, etc.) and now it’s even coming down to simple things like bread or milk. I throw food out all the time when it’s literally fresh but my mind tells me i’ll get sick from it. i stick to specific “safe foods” that i don’t think i’ll get sick from and 99% of the time it’s not healthy and it stresses me out that i’ll have problems later on when i’m older (i also have health anxiety) i even overthink about the way the grocery store workers stock food, thinking they’ve left it out for too long. it’s ridiculous. i love food, i’m just scared of throwing up and getting food poisoning. anything that involves throw up: i’m out. i even overthink about bleach and lysol somehow getting into my food if someone is cleaning near me. i hope there’s someone who understands in some type of way. i cant even enjoy eating out at a restaurant with friends or family. i hope after i talk to a therapist it could help. I’m happy i’m taking a step in the right direction :)

if a thought starts with what if, it's an intrusive thought. It means the thought isn't coming from you. It's the opposite of who you are and it's there to scare you. Let it go, let it be. You'll be fine. They attack the things you love most, stay strong. I feel that if you have ROCD and really doubt that you love someone, you really love them because you wouldn't fight for someone if you didn't love them or think they were worth it. You just have to understand that. Kiyomi from Awaken into live said: “They appear as things we DON'T WANT to happen to our relationship and ourselves.”

Hi, i don’t know if this is rOCD or not but here is my story…. we’ve been together for almost year and 6 months and i was never more in love with somebody as I’m with him. he is everything i ever wanted. during our “honeymoon phase” of relationship i felt all those butterflies, love, fulfilment but all of the sudden, just in one night, everything changed. that night the thought that crossed my mind was: “ what if i don’t love him and i want to break up.” then panic attackt came. from that day, i’m having intrusive and unwanted, intense obsessive thoughts about rightness and certainty of my relationship. i’m constantly doubting my feelings towards my boyfriend. “Do i love him enough?” , “is he a right person for me?” , “what if i lose feelings for him?” , “what if i loss feelings?” , “what if i want to break up but i don’t know how to?” , “what if i’m not attracted to him anymore, do i see him ugly?, “what if i cheat?” and so on. after all those questions i NEED an instant answer. is it right, is he the one, will we be together forever?, will we have kids together?,…i was seeking for reassurance with constant googling thinks like “do i love my partner” , “ is my partner enough” or “is it time for break up”. solving these quizzes i was praying that results will say “don’t break up, you love each other, he is the one”. after that i would be in temporary relief. after some time another thought or trigger would come and the cycle would go again; obsessive thinking, panic attacks, anxiety,…. every day, all day i’m just thinking about that and i have feelings of deep shame and guilt, i would feel numb and like something is wrong with me. also i would just start to cry and i would be very sad, than after i found reassurance that my relationship is fine, i would be relived and happy. of course, after million google researches i found the term rOCD which stands for relationship obsessive compulsive disorder and relationship anxiety. more precisely, i found a website “awaken into love” whose founder is Kyiomi. a woman who experienced all my thoughts and feelings. i felt so happy knowing i’m not the only one because i was sure that something was wrong with me. i told to my mom and sister what thoughts i’m having, and all what my mom told me was “than you should break up”. i was so miserable. i didn’t want to hear anything about breaking up, i just wanted someone to tell me “lucija you don’t want to do ja that!” . i was scared. no one understood me, and seeing a lot’s of other people having exact same problem as i do, made me feel much more better. i was researching, i watched yt videos and everything about rOCD and it helped me but not for too long. thoughts came back, numb feelings and anxiety came back and now i’m feeling like there is no escape. constantly thinking about rightness of my relationship even when i know that i wouldn’t act this way. moreover, if i want a break up i wouldn’t be needy, emotional or even relived when i see him in person. probably i wouldn’t want to see him at all. he is my safe place. my home. and now saying that, i’m feeling like i’m lying to myself and to him, but deep down i know I’m not. i just can’t wait to see him again. a lot of the time i find myself obsessively looking at his photos on my phone to make sure i’m attracted to him and if in some photos he is less attractive, i find myself being overwhelmed and anxious. but, on the other and hand, if i find him attractive in some photos i would be happy but instant trigger would come “you’re lying to your self”. because of my thoughts and feelings i feel a lot of distance between my boyfriend and me, even if we love each other and we are having same values and aspects of view at our common future. i’m having a fear of abandonment, a fear of losing my partner, a fear of loss, i have a deep fear of losing someone i care most about. can please someone just tell me if this is what i truly hope it is, i don’t want to lose the most important person in my life:(

It’s strange how this obsession leaves you for years and then it makes an unexpected comeback… Truly horrifying, I can’t stop “testing myself”, checking my reactions, and thinking about becoming homosexual. My urge to put things in a symmetrical way also increased. If someone has some advices, please help me❤️