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This is the last straw for me I font think I can do this anymore. I dont know

for context, i’m not officially diagnosed but i’ve had symptoms since i was around 8 (from what i can remember) and lots of people close to me in my life told me i probably have it too. Anyways, i am at the lowest point i’ve ever been in. It genuinely just gets worse. It doesn’t help that i’m Female cos my monthly hormones make it SO much worse. I have literally no one to go to with my problems because i’m way to scared of their reactions. For weeks i’ve been too scared to do the things i enjoy. For example, listen to the music i like, watch my favourite tv shows and movies, dress in my favourite clothes and use my good makeup. This is because i am TERRIFIED of it being tainted by my thoughts and if they are ill never enjoy them again without thanking about this time. Also, i believe i am not worthy enough to have these pleasures in my life anymore. This has made my life miserable. Most my days revolved around wearing my ‘safe’ clothes and doom scrolling for HOURS because that’s the only thing i deserve to do. I’m so sick of living this way, nothing is fun anymore. im miserable most of the time. I barely sleep and i wake up early almost everyday which makes the shitty day im gonna have even longer. I’m so fucking tired. I have like nothing to live for anymore, i feel like my life is over and i’m only just turned 16. I spend hours reading and ruminating on the internet and various other blogs and pages which doesn’t make it better in the long run, it provides me a little bit of relief until all the anxiety floods back in again. I’m so uterlly and completely lost i dont know what to do anymore. no one knows how i really feel and i see no point in my life at this point. I just want to die and start over or just never have to be here again. Sorry about the long ass rant i just need to get how i feel out here.

I keep spiraling into these “what if” thoughts, particularly about things I might have done to family members in the past ( like what if i s@’d them), which I honestly don’t remember. Out of concern, I asked a friend to check in with my little brother about whether I'd ever made him uncomfortable (they asked him over text), but the response wasn’t what I hoped for (he told me my friend was asking some questions and how they thought i was a bad person). I also left my brother a note, but he never answered. I feel completely lost. I genuinely want to talk to a therapist about these feelings and the guilt that’s consuming me, but my parents are hesitant due to a previous therapy session where I shared too much about our family dynamics. Right now, I’m feeling isolated and worried about what I might have done in the past, and these thoughts are affecting my daily life and with school coming back i dont think i can honestly do it anymore.  I’m even having some dark thoughts and contemplating overdosing. Idk how to cope or honestly if i want to if my “what if” thoughts are real i know noone would want me alive its honestly disgusting My parents told me they would’ve known if I did or my baby cousins parents but I can’t stop thinking like what if I just did it in secret and they didn’t know or what if I did it and I forgot and they forgot idk what to do I feel at a loss.

for the past 12 days i’ve really been struggling with feeling contaminated, over washing my hands yet they never feel clean, washing them so hard that i start to sweat and my arms give out. i feel like parts of my body are contaminated from being outside. instead of showering and washing my face like a normal person im avoiding myself because im afraid. im afraid that my hands will get contaminated and i wont stop washing my hands. (i know it doesn’t make sense but im experiencing a lot of stress that’s causing my bladder muscles to tighten and i can’t hold in my pee, i need my hands to be clean to even lower my pants) if i get stuck in a handwashing cycle ill pee myself and i never feel brave enough to start. this week has been very hard for me, struggling to eat, sleep, and bathe. i feel i have to move very carefully just to navigate life in a way that won’t stress me out. the fear of touching these areas and my brain constantly convincing me i did had been very hard on me. i know the answer is obvious but i don’t know how to build up the confidence to do these things. i’ve been in a very stressed out and suicidal state for the past month i really dont want to trigger any negative feelings but this isn’t any better. what can i do to just… i guess not be afraid and go for it?

I hate pocd so much… I hate it so much. I just want to be happy but this will never let me be happy. Idk if i only have pocd but my mind makes me think that i’m attracted to anyone I get close to. My mind doesn’t care how inappropriate it is. I hate this so much. I live with my family and I never go out. I’m stuck here with my thoughts and the people who trigger the thoughts. I hate saying that I feel so disgusting. I feel like a horrible disgusting person. I wanna live a happy life but I know itll never happen. I don’t want to kill myself but I wish I could just die. I just want it all to end. I don’t understand what caused this. Why me. I do believe that I can be a bad person sometimes. I’m so rude to my mom and I have a bad temper and no patience. I hate myself for it and I always try to blame my dad because he acted that way my whole childhood. What if this is my karma. I hate this so much. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up without an ocd thought. Sometime I think about taking medication but i’ve seen people struggle with choosing the right one. And I’ve seen people taking them still struggle. This will truly never end. What if while taking medication the thoughts are still there and it was never ocd. Im so scared.

Hey everyone, I'm hoping to share my story in hopes of finding some understanding and maybe some advice. When I was around 8-10 years old, my older brother showed me something explicit that impacted me deeply. Fast forward to ages 13-14, and I started having some confusing feelings and impulses related to smelling and licking underwear belonging to my brother and dad. No matter how hard I’ve tried, I can't seem to shake off those thoughts or these behaviors. Things took a turn for the worse when I made a mistake involving some inappropriate photos from a friend. I sent pictures of my friend's behind because I was trying to impress someone and wanted photos from a 17-year-old I was interested in (i would also beg for photos from him). Unfortunately, He  later told me that he had manipulated me the whole time, keeping me in a "loop of mystery." Honestly my overtly sexual behavior over text caused rifts in my friendships (even though I'm so shy in person), and while some people managed to forgive me, there’s still one friend who's upset and won’t let it go (rightfully so honestly) Since then, I’ve struggled to connect with people at school, as I’ve been overly flirtatious and it seems to have made others uncomfortable. The guilt from these moments is overwhelming, and I think it might have triggered something like obsessive-compulsive disorder (though I haven’t seen a doctor yet). I keep spiraling into these “what if” thoughts, particularly about things I might have done to family members in the past ( like what if i s@’d them), which I honestly don’t remember. Out of concern, I asked a friend to check in with my little brother about whether I'd ever made him uncomfortable (they asked him over text), but the response wasn’t what I hoped for (he told me my friend was asking some questions and how they thought i was a bad person). I also left my brother a note, but he never answered. I feel completely lost. I genuinely want to talk to a therapist about these feelings and the guilt that’s consuming me, but my parents are hesitant due to a previous therapy session where I shared too much about our family dynamics. Right now, I’m feeling isolated and worried about what I might have done in the past, and these thoughts are affecting my daily life and with school coming back i dont think i can honestly do it anymore.  I’m even having some dark thoughts and contemplating overdosing. Idk how to cope or honestly if i want to if my “what if” thoughts are real i know noone would want me alive its honestly disgusting My parents told me they would’ve known if I did or my baby cousins parents but I can’t stop thinking like what if I just did it in secret and they didn’t know or what if I did it and I forgot and they forgot idk what to do I feel at a loss.

I write this down to vent and because i see something that bothers me alot. I searched here "suicidal ocd" to not write a post and see what advices others get and i didnt found same problems and the ones i found were actually my old posts. All of the other posts were different to mine, all were the same worrying, and mine was like its more than suicidal ocd. Im dealing with depression now because of a current life event and i see that after waking up i get worse and thats when fear attacks me. In the pain i got hit by "i cant deal with this i will end my life" thought, and it was intrusive, i was feeling so bad after it. But for me it feels like it was a real thought cause of the situation, you know, i was in pain and i felt like i cant handle it and i want relief. But i dont want to kms... and i see people talking about suicidal ideation, how they have both and it scares me that mine feels more similar to that then suicidal ocd. I keep feel like it comes back time after time cause i dont work on it or accept it that im having suicidal thoughts and i need to work on them...it feels so hard to accept im thinking about suicide. Always i think about when my therapist said its real ideation cause i want to escape from pain but i developed ocd over it...i just dont want to accept that. If its reassurance seeking than just tell me that ocd can be like this or send me videos or something were people talk about this,cause i dont know if it can be like this. I just see myself sharing these kind of posts. I dont know what to do, i even tried to accept it as real before, i couldnt handle it... but even the therapist telling me things... i just cant get over it

I’m new here and I’m not sure what to ask, but I feel like I need to ask something. The first thing that come up is a recent experience I had with waking up in the middle of the night just thinking my life isn’t real, like not that nothing matters, but like actually not real. It was terrifying. Other times I’ll wake up in the middle of the night just spiraling thinking that I’m just a terrible person and I’m ruining my children’s lives and my husband would be able to manage things better if I was not here. Anyways, I was wondering if there was anyone else that has experienced things like this. And how you deal with these things. I’m not sure that I even have OCD but it is something that I keep thinking about. I don’t want to assume though so I’m just trying to reach out for some community and outside thoughts. Thanks.

im just living day by day. i’ve stopped doing the things i used to like doing because i don’t want to ruin them. i dont want my favourite music, movies, shows and hobbies to be tainted with anxiety and my own thoughts. im a shell of who i used to be and if i had the choice i’d do nothing. at this point i’m living to cover up my emotions. its even harder because i’m not actually diagnosed since i dont think i could handle telling my parents about what’s wrong with me. i have a lot of the symptoms and i’ve had them since i was quite young (16 now) and it just hasn’t been getting better, im just better at hiding it now. i dont want to bother my boyfriend or parents with my issues so i have to deal with everything myself. i don’t find anything fun anymore and i want to die, i have nothing to live for and i quite simply want it to end. i always think it can’t get worse but i fall deeper into my sadness and me saying i’m alright to people is a lie. i feel so incredibly trapped i don’t know what to do with myself anymore.

What do you do when nothing feel right. Like for example I feel like everything triggers me, everything feels weird, sounds, actions, my room. I feel like i will go insane any second and I cant enjoy anything, I cant be happy about my upcoming new job or events. I have OCD about me having shizhophrenia and omg it has ruined my life, it has only been about 3 weeks, but it has got me complitely. I want my old self back and I am scared that my loved one will leave me bc i am not getting better. I really want a new theme as funny it sounds, because even 2 years ago harm OCD was't this hard. I feel like something in me is changing, but i dont want it 😭 I will start therapy in the end of August and I just started taking medication. But for now I cant imagine this stopping and I fear that it will go downhill from this, i cant see me doing better, because if i have a good day I rember how i felt yesterday or when I had a panic attack and I cant get enough of it, i always remember those feelings and I start to worry about it over and over again.

My severe ocd came out of nowhere in June of last year and completely changed my life. It was months and months of terrible days and a brain I felt like wasn’t mine. I was so fearful it affected my life in the worst way. Then after I was at the end of myself I almost had no choice but to just let it be. After awhile I started to recover. I took a lot of supplements used some non engaging tools and kept moving forward. I had been Feeling happy, not controlled by these thoughts, etc. But my friend told me she was moving a few weeks ago and it set me off again. I am back to where I was feeling so low and depressed thoughts right when I wake up I feel hopeless scared and like there will never be good in my life again. I feel like this isn’t ocd it’s my true self that I’m suppressing I feel confused I feel sad I feel scared and I’m so angry that this is my life. I loved my life before this and now I can barely get through the day. Is it still ocd is it inevitable for this to happen to me.

I know this may sound silly to be concerned about, but I have suicidal ocd. I get intrusive thoughts. And ruminate heavily. I feel like lately I cannot stop thinking about suicide 24/7. Until I fall asleep that is what’s on my mind. I had a med change a week ago and that’s when this started. Is this just a phase of my ocd? I am not wanting to kill myself- I don’t have a plan. I am just fearful

It feels like I have turned gay I don’t even think I have hocd anymore I just want to end it all

Taking a walk down memory lane ❤️I used to stare at the knife blocks in my house because I was picturing myself committing suicide in vivid detail terrified I would do it. I was probably 7-9. I also had one about a stuffed penguin I had, where I’d imagine it lost and crying for me :,) that one still gets me even as an adult.

My OCD flared up and went to town on my mental well being yesterday. Intrusive thought after intrusive thought, groinal response after groinal response, rumination after rumination. All three of which lead to a dark rabbit hole. Trying to figure out if I am capable of any of those actions presented in the thoughts, coming up with scenarios in which the “possibilities” is high for said actions and lastly, trying to determine if I need to unalive myself or have myself institutionalized to prevent all of it. I know it was all just what I would usually tell many of you, “A bad day with OCD,” but today as the title says. I’m just emotionally drained. Don’t care to fight back against the OCD. If the OCD says I’m a pedophile, maybe I am, maybe I’m not, I don’t care. If my groinal area wants to move, let it, I don’t care. Now for my personal question, anyone ever get to this point? Just emotional indifference? Please reply, today is already a bad day but I promise to try to have a better day tomorrow.

I have had OCD all of my life. It affects absolutely everything I do. Those of you that have it know exactly what I mean. I'm a 50 year old male and I have been on meds for 30 plus years. Most days I'm fine, except for a bit of compulsive checking. Lately, I have been absolutely overwhelmed with my job, which I absolutely hate. I have been at it for over 14 years. I'm at the point of a nervous breakdown and feel so terrible and ashamed for my poor wife having to deal with my emotions. I feel like a failure of a man and husband, though she's always by my side. I'm currently looking for new work but my OCD just accentuates everything. Lately, whenever I'm about to clock on for the day I nearly have a panic attack. And over what? A stupid job that would replace me in a heartbeat?? They have already led on that I'm not too far from that. OCD just makes everything soo damn big. Instead of realizing it's just time to move on and just take the necessary steps to do so, I Instead overthink and panic. This is my current struggle. Just wanted to share. Soo damn tired that all I think about is retirement. I'm just wishing my life away to the age when I'll seemingly be more at peace. Thanks for reading.

I am 16, my name is marie. I am in desperate need of help. Here are afew of my stories. 1. and ever since I was 8, I want to say, I have struggled with POCD. I always felt like a predator to my younger niece and cousin. I’ve grown to hate her for solely no reason, and with my two other nephews that came along, I’ve also grown to hate them. Only because I don’t want to seem like a predator, even though it’s in my mind, do I want others to know I hate them and have no liking for them. There were other cases where it isn’t my niece and nephews and I just always had a hatred towards children I felt like if I actually had a bad experience with them I would’ve seriously harmed them. 2. I have no connection to watching Gore, or I was never exposed to Gore until the age of 12, which was a hard year for me. In 2019-2020, I believe it was when a complete stranger, Ronnie Mccnut, killed himself on a livestream, and people made it an internet meme for years after, and still to this day, I see it. I can’t remember if it affected me at 12, but that was the only time I saw it. Now, at 15, in March 2024, it came back to me. It feels like a curse. I’m just so tired. The same nightmare has been going on for months. Since March, it’s more just memories than just nightmares. It feels stupid because I don’t know the guy, but I always have nightmares of him, and I haven’t even seen the video since I was 12; ever since. I cannot sleep ever since I have had no proper sleep schedule and could only sleep when it was daylight at 6-7 a.m. and wake up at 2-3 p.m. My friend is not helping; she’s saying he’s spirit is attached to me, and I’ve lived thinking for the past few weeks that he was attached to me and wanting to curse me in some way and I felt like I had to kill myself/ felt like I was going to die the same way as him. I always had a fear that if I came to someone online and told them my intrusive thoughts, they’d always use them against me. My other friend who is diagnosed with OCD says I have all the symptoms and I just need to be treated. I can’t afford it, and I hate therapy.. my father is always involved for the consultation and laughed at me the last few times. I was forced into an eating disorder clinic from my narcissistic sister and that did not go well. Ohio health care is no help and they don’t care for you. 3. I don’t remember much but around age 14 to beginning of 15 I always felt the need to die, I felt like I needed to kill myself for everyone’s sake there’s no explanation for this one I was a normal kid I was going to school, good grades I have friends I was going to events I just had this task to having to kill myself, yes I’ve attempted a ton at the age of 14 and luckily I haven’t had any serious harm done to me. There is nothing more to say to this it’s a fuzzy memory.

So today im sensitive for a reason, but im working on it, and after listening music and hearing some words like "ending my life" and these kind of things made me triggered and i felt like i want to do it. It felt like bc its hard now i would do it, but its definitely not true cause now i dont think like that, but im scared why it felt so real. Im working on beliefs but i dont find any beliefs about ending my life... but this was so strong, i was afraid im actually wanting it or if i continue to think about it i will act on it cause of the feeling. It was like it wants to drag me in, i couldnt move away from it, and it felt like if i continue this i will like it and act on it. Im working on my beliefs but even if a change it it still comes back and i dont think this is actually my belief cause then i would believe that everytime, not just in a moment then after that i believe somethi g else... I cant wrote down actually how it felt, but it really was like im starting to believe in that and if i dont do something then i might act on it. Please dont write go to a hospital, i dont care about that, i want to heal from ocd...

I’m so scared of my brain, it keeps giving me weird intrusive thought I don’t want and I’m terrified, my biggest suptypes are pocd and iocd, I can’t even be around me people I love anymore without being scared of what my brain is gonna come up with Like I can’t even be around kids anymore without feeling guilty and don’t feel safe leaving the house, I feel like I’m overly aware when there kids around me, and I try to avoid looking at them, every time I see a kid my brain gives me some gross thought that I know that I don’t want Im terrified of hurting a kid and I know that I never want to but I feel so disgusting, I can’t even think about my younger cousins without my brain being gross but my brain just won’t stop, it’s so distressing, I feel like being asleep is my only escape from it, I don’t even want to wake up anymore, I don’t want to die but I don’t want to be awake

Has anyone done erp therapy for their suicidal ocd? The first theme I ever got was suicidal intrusive thoughts that terrified me to the point where I was on the floor throwing up and shaking. My fear was getting depressed because I always thought depression leads to suicide. I ended up getting diagnosed with depression about a month or 2 ago and this just raised my anxiety & ocd tremendously. Therefore I mm not scared of my intrusive thoughts but they do give me this stomach dropping feeling so I do react a little but no how I used to. Every time I get suicidal intrusive thoughts it makes me feel like I’m actually thinking about it and it worries me that I’m not even scared anymore. Has this been an issue for anyone??