I was doing good for a couple weeks, but then I ran out of my antidepressants, and my thoughts kept getting more attention to where l'm back here asking for help again haha. Sadly, I don't know if any of these are normal, I just wanna hear or know if they are normal, I can't stop but be scared when I find someone attractive that doesn't look anything like my partner, or worse yet, when they share similarities to an ex. Speaking of exes, my ex has been clouding my mind for some reason, probably cause my brain is trying to warn me about them or something, but I just am so scared. When I try to relax and have a good thought and try to imagine my partner with me my brain just switches for some reason SOMETIMES to my ex, even though I can barely remember their face.
Then old memories flood back, but it's nothing really good per say, it's just the fact that he does come back in my mind that scares me and makes me feel so guilty.
Then, it's the fact that I'm scared because sometimes if I get too close to family or such it makes me wanna kiss them or stuff, especially when my dad touched my leg just to say hi after they came back from a trip, and when my sister looked really pretty and I wanted to compliment her, it's almost like my brain was like "you think she's hot, try kissing her", and how my brain confuses me being around my family and being happy to being with my Boyfriend, and it just makes me wanna hug or kiss them all of a sudden. It gives me that same happiness feeling that made me extremely uncomfortable.
My brain is just filling me with way too many of these similar thoughts, it's awful, it's built down what progress I had into being afraid of talking to my real boyfriend. And speaking of, these thoughts have made it harder to imagine him or just try to use him as a coping mechanism by thinking of him, instead it just brings more fear as he'lljudge me for these thoughts even though we have spoken about it and he's said thoughts of attraction towards others are normal. I'm scared he'll think I'm not over my ex, and I'm so so scared that maybe my brain is making me think I am not either. It makes me wanna cry, l'm so confused and I know I wouldn't wanna be near him, but guess I'm confusing my feelings and just my brain and feelings are so mixed I don't know what to do anymore. When I'm out with my partner and I spot someone attractive I can't help but fixate my eyes on that person until they get out of my vision field, no matter what, it's so harming to me and I'm sure my partner notices. It makes me feel like utter shit and I just want to enjoy my company with my boyfriend like I know I'm capable of.