Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I dont know if im dissociated or not anymore but something feels terribly off since I quit my job in october. That is also around the time when my actual depression started, i was derealized for over a month during my last month at work. I dont know how to explain what im feeling but I dont feel well at all, like something has gone wrong with my brain and mind. TW for hocders, I also dont feel like continuing ocd therapy anymore bc frankly Im pretty positive I realized Im actually gay and everytime I am in session it feels pointless and like im going against my true self. I feel like im going crazy and cant even explain it which is causing more and more depressive and hopeless emotions. What do I do

Hi! For those of you who have been speaking to a therapist, please tell me what its like and if it helps. I would love the input since I am starting soon!

it angers me beyond belief that this is my brain, I’m fucking sick and tired of going through this shit alone or burdening my parents with my panic, I do all the dam ERP in the world and this panic still ain’t stopping, I’m fucking through with this shit, I hear people all the time say your not trying hard enough or ERP takes time, well I’ve been doing ERP my whole fucking 22 years of being on this planet and the panic hasn’t stopped, and yes I’ve been to about 20 therapists, I probably have a file on me as big as a dissertation about all my dam thoughts, I’ve seen many psychiatrists, been on many meds, tried to start TMS, couldn’t go through with it because of my thoughts, I can barely blink without my thoughts screaming at me like a drill instructor, I’m socially isolated because the pandemic and I’m losing hope, all anyone tells me is your not trying hard enough with ERP, or your improving, without any evidence to back up said claim when in fact the opposite is true, I’ve declined. I’m trying so fucking hard just to wake up, I’m sorry, I really am, but this is just unreasonable, you wouldn’t go up to a cancer patient and say work harder, put me on the right meds or give me euthanasia because it’s not ok how the system treats people with OCD

Why do I find that there were some very long time periods in my life where I had next to no OCD, and then it just comes back with full force? Is there a reason it stayed away for such a long time even though I didn’t do anything?

I was having a thought and I'm not sure if it was bad or no. My brother was sleeping on the couch and Idk if I was thinking about playing with his cheeks or basically annoy him or actually had this entirely different bad thought which had nothing to do with playing with his cheecks that included my crush or anyone from school (I mean sexual thoughts) but then I turned to him while having the thought or maybe after and felt as if I was actually gonna do whatever I was thinking but I turned away then (the thought was definitely sexual or included rape so I'm terrified) I had all my themes recently on my crush and I always say I don't want it to be about him but today I sort of confessed my feeling through a friend and it didn't turn out well and I feel like maybe I actually meant it that way because I was feeling angry or sad. And I was sitting with my brother outside and he wanted t sit next to me but I said no and I tried to scratch him and I feel it was in a sexual way. Now I was also trying to turn the water on and a bad thought caneso I said I'll do it again and this time I had similar bad thought but about my other brother (I don't wanna explain it but it's about man part sizes) I'm going insane

Whenever I walk around in public, I feel like a total weirdo. My harm intrusive thoughts continue to scare me and they feel almost real and it’s scary. They fill me up with anxiety that lasts throughout the entire day, and they do not disappear. I’m 16 and I’m afraid of telling my mom because some of my intrusive thoughts are about her and she would probably think of me differently. My harm OCD thoughts at first were not that persistent, but they have worsened now to the point where I have them everywhere I go. I’m so tired of them.

It seems I can’t post pictures but this is a follow up about the post about seeing a spot on my hand it it overwhelming me. Want to cut the area so it heals normally I know I can’t. Kinda crying over it but I think in part that’s my period talking. Do you think getting a tattoo would be running away from the problem? I want to cope so I don’t listen to my head and harm myself to get rid of this…figured it was a better alternative to that.

I feel like there is no hope, like I don't know anymore what I feel of what I want. Like I forced that from beginning for wrong reasons and know only seeking excuse to not confront reality. I only want to cry. I see any light.

Triggered by therapist Hi, Haven’t been in this thread in a minute. Anyways, I thought I had recovered from this .. but here we go. I’m F22 and virgin with no experience e.g kissing/dating. Anyways, I was trying to find a new therapist and while explaining my triggers and grievances, she says - how do you know you really like guys ? This was really triggering and I felt in the conversation she was trying to get at that because of my past I’m suppressing my true self. Just to give context, I was bullied by guys when I was younger. Anyway, what really got me is her saying that I should be open to both and that in her professional opinion I don’t know my sexuality because I haven’t experimented. I said fair point as dealing with this I’ve had to accept uncertainty. Leaving the call, I even asked her ‘am I lying to myself’, I felt paralysed. I felt like she was saying that I really don’t know if I’m straight which has brought about this outdoor spike. In terms of dating I came far last year - I even went on a date and this other guy .. I really liked him - still do .. But I just feel like I’ve taken a step back because I haven’t even thought about this in so long ! She even suggested that having some interest in lesbian porn when I was 15 means something but I suppose she doesn’t know me. As I said to her, sexuality is a spectrum no one is 100% anything .. I’m not the only woman that watched/watches lesbian porn. I don’t want to be in a relationship with a woman, I don’t desire to kiss/caress another woman - I don’t envy lesbian relationships ! When I go out - I don’t want to be hit on by women, I want men to find me attractive. TMI- but on two separate occasions - men have got me .. excited/wet I feel frustrated as she also mentioned how the black community - lesbianism is a taboo - I get that but I wanted to scream that’s not me .. I even told her I was propositioned by a friend last year and that wasn’t for me. I feel scared to go through with this therapist as I feel she’s going to try and tell me that I’m in denial. People don’t understand, I’m uncomfortable with this idea of being a lesbian/bisexual as it don’t sit right with me. Like I’m not homophobic - I can watch things involving lesbians and not be triggered because I accepted that woman can be attractive but that don’t mean I want them. Instinctively, I think we all know our sexuality .. if sexuality was determined strictly by experimentation - then everyone must have the capacity to be bi/gay - as they haven’t tried it ! Sounds stupid right ?! Has anyone had this experience with a therapist? Am I taking her questions to personal ?

I am so scared to start getting treatment for my OCD because it would mean that it’s real—I do have OCD. Not to mention how scary the thought of facing my horrible intrusive thought and potentially uncovering something devastating about myself that I wouldn’t be able to live with. I’m so scared that I’m secretly hiding something horrible about myself and I’m just unaware of it.

Currently freaking out. A friends gay brother texted to me “You’re a lesbian right?” I actually could throw up. I literally feared that he could “sense” I was gay, and he obviously did. I don’t want to be gay. I’m so upset. Literally my heart dropped to the floor when I saw that text. I asked him if he was being funny and he said “yes I know you like men” and I said “I feel like you weren’t being funny” and he said “I wish I wasn’t being funny. I wish u were a lesbian”. Then he told me I “honestly give bi vibes” I literally can’t take this I want to throw up

I keep thinking about something I did when I was a little girl,and wonder if I’m a twisted piece of shit,I feel like this event has marked me for ever,and determines the kind of person I am now,I am at a loss,I’m 50 years old and I’ve had this my whole life,and it never gets easier.Just putting it out there,I think this is real event ocd,has anyone out there experienced this?

It’s really bad. Like I can’t enjoy guys anymore and I hate it like my guy finally gotten solid shape and I feel bad for saying that because I wanted him skinny and now I’m making faces like I don’t even when I like milk body parts I like pectorals so the fact that it’s I don’t want to think I’m not as obsessed with him as a I hate thinking that I’m not as when I am I’m frightened he’s going away and I don’t want him to when I do love him and he doesn’t know me but I’ve known him for years so that’s a thing.

Is there anybody that can offer me advice or tips on how I can lose 20 pounds ? I’m a male and just want to get slim body . I am currently weighing 150 and 5’5 . I don’t like sitting and doing nothing after work especially when I’m just working part time . I wanna do this to build my confidence and have new look experience . I like cardio and intend on only using it for weight loss . I want to go 3-4 days a week and aiming to lose 4-6 pounds a month. Ik that is a pretty accurate time in losing weight over a month . I read online that it is realistically possible to lose 10 pounds a month but ofc I’m gonna start off slow and considering I’m not a very active person I’ll try and at least do the bare minimum I can to meet my goal. I will also want to be at the gym least 2-3 hrs a day . I will do rest days. My ocd wants me to do everything precisely and perfectly so I’m assured that I’m doing it right and don’t mess anything up. Can someone please tell me how I can lose weight?

I’ve always had a hard time getting up and getting ready for the day cause my ocd rituals were really aggravating and time consuming even when I was better I still had rituals I still had to do like dressing a certain way haveing to lay out my clothes in order on my bed put them on in the same order then doing hygiene which also was done in an order and symmmetry way so just putting on deodorant I’d have to count do the left armpit then the rite and count the amount of times I went up and down I couldn’t just put on deodorant staright out the shower and then dress something’s kind of make sense to dress then do hygiene but I made it a ritual and rule to do it in a certain order I got dressed when I woke up and that was it for the day there was no reapplying deodorant and touching up my makeup in the bathroom I had a hard enough time doing it once a day and it was somewat normal to get up and get dressed I new I had ocd and that I’d always have somewat of ocd even when I got better so I didn’t really get upset by it I just kind of kept going and liveing like that i didn’t realize I was creating ocd habits and the years passed and I’m still doing the same things cause I never new I could get help to stop and dress like a normal person I feel like it’s inbedded in me like this is my normal and for 15 years I’ve been doing some variation of these rituals wit dressing and showering doing my hair and makeup it’s aggravating and time consumeing and it’s made me feel like less of a person growing up was hard dealing wit this while my friends were all playing dress up for the fuck of it I was doing my dressing ritual and haveing to do my makeup and hair a certain way I was so focused on trying to just be normal and present that the way I was doing these things was just the way I did them and I’d get them done and look presentable for the day and I just wanted to spend the day liveing like others were liveing I wasn’t really focused on stopping ritualizing my dressing and grooming habits and I thought this was the way it was gonna be atleast I could shower and dress and do hygiene in a normal amount of time they weren’t takeing up my day I just did them a certain way and went bout my day but the past few years my ocd has gotten worse again and I felt like I can’t get help hospitals and doctors and therapists hadn’t really helped wit the stopping of rituals I had gotten better at points being on medication and getting things down to were I wasn’t spending alot of time on these rituals but I still had to do them cause noone was helping me wit that part of it but things have been so hard the past few years and I found out bout exposure and response therapy and that there’s actual doctors and hopistlas that deal wit ocd and I’m hopeing I can get help cause I no at the times we’re I was better that if I could’ve gotten help to stop doing the rituals that I was doing I could’ve been even better and not continued those rituals all these years but hopefully I can get help.

Cant sleep, have too much on my mind about this. Anyone want to vent?

TW POCD and Real Event OCD 18+ please You don’t have to answer but I would really appreciate it if someone could help me. When I was younger I struggled with having a weird and embarrassing tickling fetish and I would go and search for said fetish but to me at the time that was the only thing that I was after. I don’t know how it formed or whatever made me have such a thing but it’s something I regret so much because as a teenager up around 15 to maybe 18 or 19 I would look up this fetish on ifunny or wherever but mostly ifunny and come across videos, memes and whatever about the fetish itself. It wasn’t because of people it wasn’t about whoever was in those things just to me it was about the fetish. So I’m scared because of the things I’ve come across at the time because it’s a normal everyday thing that got turned into a fetish for me when I was young and at the time I didn’t have any bad intentions. It never crossed my mind like “hey you might not want to do that because it’s wrong” it never even occurred to me at all. Like I said it wasn’t about who was in it. I’m scared of what if because masturbation was a big struggle at the time as well I would look up or scroll which doing that so I’m scared about that too. Like I said it wasn’t the intent to do anything wrong or bad. Usually “bad” people or whatever would know for sure what they are doing and do it anyways I had no clue until many years later I was about to fall asleep (when I was starting to develop OCD) and I remembered the mistakes I’ve made and I started balling and I’ve been obsessing about it ever since. I would never ever in my entire life ever make the same mistakes again. I’ve told my mom about it and my dad before he passed they both told me to let it go that it’s in the past there’s nothing I can do about it and forgive myself. I’ve also mentioned it to my first therapist and she gave me advice about it but I don’t remember what she said. Hopefully I don’t have to go into super detail it’s about POCD so I’m pretty sure you get the idea but I have so many fears regarding it like “what if I’m a monster or p” or “what if it was considered or equivalent to the thing on the internet that people with pocd fear the most” and so on. I’m so sorry to go on about this. I’ve posted about it in the past and I can feel myself spiraling all over again but if anyone relates or can help me I would appreciate it. I promise I’m not a bad person and I never want to be. I know I should let this go but it’s so hard to when my mind won’t shut up about it 💔

Trigger warning Having a really really really bad episode I found a piece of bloody toilet paper on my bedroom floor. I do have my period right now but I can’t shake the thought that it could be from someone else. I mean, if I could track it from my bathroom to my bedroom who’s to say someone in my household couldn’t have tracked it in from an outside space. I’m just freaking out and I don’t know what to do.

Right now I'm scared i'm scared with attitude towards boobs are shifting like I do I don't want to start feeling like a guy. Like imagine kissing a guy but squeezing a boob in my chest feels weird my heart feels funny I don't want to shift my perspectives I don't want to humans to change. And I imagine talking to the shrink like I'm going to on the 24th at 1pm. I keep putting my hand out and I'm fine I'm thinking of you don't understand how badly I'm scared that I'm changing I don't want to change. I'm scared I'm getting like sensations not like down there but I don't want to start feeling like a guy about boobs and I'm scared I mention talking to her and that my attitude change my attitude and boots changing to keep smiling weird and focusing and I'm scared. I don't want to start feeling like a guy! I don't mean to dump all this on you but here I am thinking of the heaviness of boobs and how big how they sag in the roundness and has said how they are they're not nice they were never nice before! I'm scared I am I don't wanna start feeling like a guy! I was trying to watch something funny and some guys like what is a poop feel like I don't want the firm roundness and when I look at what of woman's boobs it disappears like the scary sensation but I can't stop thinking of them naked like I do and I don't want to feel the warm weight I don't want food at all. I just got home thinking about them and how I'm kind of cringing the way I'm saying I don't want after all but I looked at like a long time ago I don't want all kinds I don't want boobs at all and I'm scared of the way I'm smiling imagining talking about this with a shrink like I am I don't and I don't care if it's OK I don't I'm scared the way I'm smiling I want to start liking boobs I keep imagining palming them and playing with them like they are but I'm not more entertaining than boys like them before and I am terrified that I am changing and I don't want To I'm scared of the way i'm scared I do I don't like the brown some boobs I don't wanna see my girl coworkers I'm scared I just like it's so pretty them sticking out I would not love to see them naked I don't wanna be fine it's just a weird feeling so I keep getting when I'm not exactly I don't know I'm not turned on but it is the way I'm smiling that's scaring me I don't want to palm boobs I don't wanna do anything nothing more that I don't like them there's nothing more I don't like but I'm frightened that's changing and I don't want to do it so bad I’m scared I said I don’t like boobs I keep smiling imagining big round ones heavy ones saving oh my God I don’t like the way I bouncing there a lot more than that more entertaining I don’t wanna seem heavy around naked boobs I’m terrified they’re not a lot more they’re not more entertaining I keep saying they can’t like I really need it I keep saying boys can’t think we more than compete I don’t want boots I’m scared I’m starting to don’t want to start liking them all the way to hang and I don’t wanna do anything I don’t like the way I’m smiling Sent from the all new AOL app for iOS

Can anyone please help me with my last post