Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I'm so Disappointed With Myself....can't rectify and make things better no matter what happens....😔

do you guys create scenes in your head all day like me?? i can't do anything or pay attention to what i'm doing because i'm always creating false scenarios in my head or dealing with my compulsions or real event ocd...🧠!°○°○...

If you’re triggered by POCD please stop reading now. I (24F) am a daycare teacher, I have worked with kids (as a substitute or assistant) since 2018 and that’s when my POCD first started. Now I have my first real daycare teaching job and I’m the main educator in the room. In December of 2021 , I went through a stressful relationship and when I ended things, I was left in a pit of depression. This triggered a massive OCD spiral and I haven’t been quite the same since. I began to ruminate about past memories of innocent interactions I’ve had with children and my brain conjured up all these alternate scenarios that almost made me throw up. And I began to believe them. When it got too much and I felt like I had no will to be on this earth anymore ,I finally opened up to my mom and best friend who were so supportive. They encouraged me to seek therapy and I did with an OCD therapist and it’s been great. I’m writing because my job has been extremely triggering as of late. Especially diaper changes, I have all these strange thoughts and feelings that feel so real. I’m hyper aware of my hands and if they brush against the leg or any body part I internally freak out , and once I’m home I ruminate and cry. I get so wound up in my thoughts I convince myself I did it on purpose and must be jailed. Recently I had one of the children on my lap while I helped her put on her shoes. I put my hands under her armpits to steady her and my mind felt it was too close to her chest/nipples so I adjusted my hands away. I had a sick thought that I enjoyed having my hands there and immediately had a wave of anxiety in my stomach. I put on her shoes and put her down. I haven’t stopped thinking about this encounter and I’ve been crying for a while about it today. Another thing I am struggling with is that I willingly watched a scene from “the perks of being a wallflower” when the young boy is being sexually abused by his aunt. A clip came on tiktok (not that scene) and I remembered the movie as I watched it years ago. I thought “oh that’s the movie where the boy gets abused by his aunt”. For some reason, I felt compelled to watch it , specifically that part. I typed in the movie name on YouTube and a scene with that part immediately was the first result. I clicked on it and watched it , about halfway I started to feel scared and was about to pause it and click off. But I knew it wouldn’t be graphic as I’ve watched it before so I continued, I felt sick. I was comparing myself to the aunt , looking for similarities in our looks and thinking about if I’ve ever said anything like she was saying (“this our little secret”) to the children in my classroom. I don’t know why I wanted to see that clip , but I did. I believe my life is over because of this, I can’t quit my job because I need the money but I don’t know how I can go back to work on Monday. Please , can someone talk to me or give advice , I just really want to talk to someone.

TLDR; Almost full remission does exist! Hello everyone! So I know we use this to share and express our feelings and when we’re struggling, but I also think it might be helpful to talk about what we have accomplished in time! 10 years ago was when my OCD full on started and the main category I was dealing with was POCD (pedophilic). As someone who had never heard of OCD, when it first started happening I was in such shame I didn’t let anyone in and suffered in silence and attempted many times, not because I wanted to die but because I didn’t know how to ask for help. Through finally opening up with my loved ones, to a bit of medication, and some therapy it DID go away. Can it come back at some point? Yeah of course, but I never thought years of not having these thoughts or triggers could ever happen to me. I don’t remember the exact date, but it’s been at least 4-5 years now without dealing with this. What helped me the most was something i read about the concept of relapsing. Relapsing (for us relapsing looks like intrusive thoughts/compulsions) is going to happen on the way to recovery. It’s not about if you relapse, it’s about the amount of time in BETWEEN that shows your growth. I went from having these thoughts from all day, to every other day, to once a week, to once a month, once every three months, once every six, etc. Please don’t ever be mad at yourself or feel hopeless when a relapse happens, just let it go and remember the time in between ❤️ I still get OCD “episodes” in my life but they usually change topics and have nothing to do with POCD. Right now I’m dealing with ROCD which don’t get me wrong is annoying as hell, but remembering how I got over that time in my life gives me hope. Sending y’all lots of love ❤️

So I have got to know this gym trainer in my gym who acted with mr in a super cute way and it was all platonic and I toon him as a gvery good friend and i had this crush on someone with me at uni and suddenly a thought popped that I might like the gym trianer and ever since I can’t shake the idea and It actually can’t be anything bec first he is of other religion second I don’t know him at all already I have never think of him, and ever since my mind can’t resist the idea that he is the one no one other will be and I can’t avoid him because he is with me i. The gym i got this chills feeling w Mixed with high level of anxiety when I see him I am afraid I might like him really and it’s not ocd because he still acts with me in a cute way so it is fuckin hard to differentiate AND I CANT GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD I CANT EVEN CONTINUE ON LIKING THE OTHER PERSON

i relapsed bad yesterday. i went to a restaurant with my family and the anxiety from seeing so many people had me compulsing the entire time. i went numb. i was still compulsing, mentally playing out sexual encounters and testing my reactions, but i couldn’t really focus because of the distractions and the blanket over my emotions made me unable to decipher anything. at one point i left to the bathroom and kept asking myself: “have i realized that i’m gay?” over and over again, and kept saying, “i don’t know” over and over again. when we left, my mom was so upset because she knew what i was doing. i’ve been in therapy over a month now and we both know that i keep making myself worse by trying to figure this out. but the entire time she was yelling at me, i still kept debating my sexuality. i couldn’t stop. i kept thinking if i should come out to her, and then wondering why i felt nothing at the idea. just numb. and then i went home and did compulsive researching until 4 am. i felt no distress for any of it. i just kept mindlessly reading and reading old articles and reddit forums and looking into purposefully triggering material to see if i could glean new information out of them. i couldn’t. even now i keep trying to ritualize to see, but i cant gauge anything through the emotional numbness. i’m making myself worse. i know i am. i’m like an addict with this question. i can’t handle any uncertainty one way or the other. i have to find out if i like men, and if i don’t, if i like women. i don’t know the answer to either of those anymore. i feel farther and farther from myself. nothing makes sense anymore. the girl i was a few years ago feels completely distant from me. i know what i should do. i know i have to embrace uncertainty, but i can’t. i just cant. i’m afraid of what more i’ll have to lose before it sinks in.

I’ve been suffering since childhood with undiagnosed OCD and I wonder if I’ll ever get the time I’ve lost back. I’m almost 30 and I can’t even do half the things most adults my age can do. I feel like a failure. I can’t even drive a car yet. Does Ocd make anyone else feel like a loser?

I’m not very sure, it’s been one heck of a week for me dealing with my intrusive thoughts and I’m just wondering does anyone else’s intrusive thoughts start off with the normal bad thoughts and then it merges into like the after math of what peoples reactions would be like and how your family would react? It happens to me and leaves me a little on edge and more panicky.

I open up to my mom about a theme and her first reaction is “do you resent your sister?” Way to victim blame

Its usually when I'm alone with it gets worse lmao. Well now it is since I got an anxiety spike from last nights false memory. But ugh The combination of a false memory within a real event reaaaaallllyyy sucks cause you don't know. I have many real events, all are a bit different but with in them creates false memories. Its like "If I did this, then I could have easily done this." Which really I have and its nothing bad with what I know I did but my false memory is changing one little thing, and if that one little thing changes, it changes the wwhhhoolleee thing. I know I regret my bigger real event that correlates to my false memory. But ugh god its like I could have easily done something like that. So thinking thag I could and even having the feeling that "I really did" is just sickening to me :( Idk why I had to live a life like that. But whatever. Its one thing have false memories, its another having a real event and having false memories within it that could be so real because its something that could have been easily done. Whatever just wanted to vent again. Its just so weird how I LITERALLY DEALT WITH THIS. I dealt with the what ifs of this specific false memory. I literally freaking forgot about this or it would be brought up in my mind and soon forgotten. But now because I created a backdoor spike for ruminating on my past, it feels just like how I felt with my actual real event :/ Maybe I'm repressing the memory as well which scared me more. What if the actual memory comes out soon. Its such a scary thing.... ugh whatever again I don't think so :/ I know I shouldn't find proof but even if I tried I know damn well its impossible lmao but seeing one of my real events its a big possibility... ah whatever I gotta get better in life What are you guys doing for the weekend ? I'd love to know !!! 🫂💕

I’ve been struggling so much these past few weeks. I did something so weird/stupid when i was a kid/young teenager that would be looked at as something extremely disturbing and although I’m grown and have never done anything like that again my ocd has make me feel so much guilt, shame, and disgust that i keep getting these urges to seek reassurance and google things that could help me feel “normal.” I know those are compulsions and I’m trying to resist them but my mind keeps telling me to look so that i can feel reassured that I’m not the only human out there that has done weird shit as a kid. I feel like a sick human being and my ocd has spiked so bad that it makes me want to throw up most of the time. I can’t seem to forgive myself and it’s the hardest part about ocd. My themes switch so often that it feel so freaking hopeless and it sucks that they’re always s*xual thoughts. From children, to people of the same gender, to even animals (weird, i know) and it has even used false memories against the people/things i love the most. My bf, my dad, my dog, and so many other things. I don’t know why or how i got this bad. I have been at the lowest place in my life and i feel like the worse person on earth. Like if i were to ever spill any of these thoughts i would be looked at as a disgrace to society. I feel like i can’t trust myself and that’s the worst part about it. I’m trying, i really am. But every time i try to think positively, my mind always says “you don’t deserve to feel happy after all the things you’ve done/thought.” Does anyone relate to that? I’m so tired. So freaking tired of these thoughts haunting me. I even wake up in the middle of the night in distress bc of them. I just want to feel normal again. I miss my old self.

Tbh, my OCD is rarely spoken of irl as I keep it to myself. I only write about ocd online so it’s like a deep dark secret of mine, lol. If anyone finds out this about me, it’s all over…

how do you all deal with the stress of a job + having ocd? what are things that help you manage? i feel like my brain is screaming 24/7 bc of all the stress & i truly don’t know if i can keep this up

i have physically challenging ocd, whereas soon as i get up in the morning or anytime i overstimulate my body by doing excessive movements of odd physical activity such as jumping on one leg, doing things with my eyes shut to make it more challenging, balancing on one leg (i focus mostly on my left leg since it’s my non dominant leg) and all while doing this counting to a certain number, right now it’s 19 , but it’ll go in sequences throughout the day any where from counting | 13,14,15 | 17,18,19 | 30,40,50 | 69,77,79 | 87,88,89 | 97,98,99 | those all separately but in threes, 0-100 and every number in between, and many more all over the place, i stretch or burn myself out to a very extreme extent and i don’t stop until my muscles in a certain area feel as though they are going to give out from the immense excruciating pain which leads me to intense crying pain some of the time, it has gotten better in terms of the crying with medicine. i don’t consider it hurting myself because its internal muscle tearing which builds muscle just like a workout in a way and makes me sweat most of the time. i cant bring myself to do a “normal” workout because that’s all i did in the past but it’s not as effective, but it’s ruining my mental health. it’s keeping me in some what shape of some sort and i’m not sure why r where it came from or how. i’m scared of gaining weight of any sort but i’m not scared of food or eating i even have trouble overeating sometimes then not eating the next day for a long while, sorta like fasting but not with the right foods, i still eat a ton of fruit, meat and occasional vegetables just don’t drink enough water and a lot of juice n lemonade usually but not ever pop. i just find this all so embarrassing especially with my social anxiety. i don’t ever do this around other people but i’ve caught myself in public or other peoples houses doing this when no one’s around and i hate myself deeply for it. my mind keeps me from ever talking about this to any family because they judge me all the time for every little thing. only my boyfriend knows and i’m beyond grateful for him and all the support he’s given me. this is all beyond debilitating and keeps me from doing every day normal tasks and routines and going out or doing anything even remotely productive as well as keeps me from having a job. like anything n anyone i have good days and bad days so sometimes i’m more normal in a sense and others i’m completely spastic, compulsive, impulsive. i’ve never heard of anyone who goes through this same detriment that i feel as well, is there anyone out there?

While I was pregnant with my first child, an intrusive thought struck me—what if I somehow molest my baby before I give birth? I tried to brush it off, but OCD was a step ahead: Even if I didn’t, what if I tell someone that I did? What if I’m institutionalized? My days were filled with fear and panic, and it felt like there was nowhere to turn—who would understand? Like many others who have these thoughts, I felt like I was the only one experiencing them. That’s what makes certain themes of OCD so hard for people to talk about—our intrusive thoughts feel so horrible and shameful that it seems like no one could ever understand. The truth is that taboo and disturbing themes of OCD are more common than people think, and there is a community of people who understand you. Read more about OCD themes that people struggle to talk about, and how opening up to others who understand can help anyone find relief.

May be too much info but every time I go #2 (which is not often and is another problem) I feel the need to not sit/lay anywhere so as to not contaminate anything. I wait at least an hour to then clean the restroom. Clean and mop the floor I’ve walked on. Spray the carpet I’ve walked on. Then check myself again. Then shower. But showering takes me at least 30 min. I shower, then I also clean the shower and shower myself again. Then once I’m out of the shower I go into the tub and wash my hands and feet. It’s too stressful. It takes too much time away from my kids. I feel like such a failure. And I know this is not normal. I have to keep reminding myself that other people don’t do this after using the restroom, but here I am. Then I feel so disgusted with myself.

I just can't learn from mistakes and take lessons.... This has been many times i have repeated the same mistakes again and again only to say that i won't commit this mistake next time.... And then I'm in the same cycle again.... I mean how the hell i rectify myself.... And i have this another problem that is i just can't break my habits.... I just can't get rid of my bad habits.... I just don't know anymore how to deal with myself..

My OCD got really bad to the point I stopped working for a year. I slowly got back into work and now I’m in a full time admin job 2 years later. It started off fine but now I’ve reached the 6 month park I’m overthinking everything. Checking things I’ve done. Have I done this right? Have I done this wrong. Im asking for reassurance. I even broke down the other day at work in front of a colleague of mine because I’d been filling out a from wrong. The thing is, I’m not making excuses. But this particular type of admin work I’ve never done before - so it’s all new. I was trained by one person who’s told me before that she’s had to train herself. That’s not to say the mistakes I make are because of her teaching, more so because I’ve never done this line of work before. Im worried I’ll go back to how I used to. This is a good paying job and I’m anxious and worried I’ll become sick again to the point of having to go off of work. Does this happen to anyone else/ how are they dealing with it.

What if I am just too afraid to admit I’m unhappy with my partner… 😭 What if we are better off apart?.. 💔 What if everything my brain told me was true… and I just don’t want it to be..? 😰 I am awake overthinking my relationship.. what if I am just afraid to start over when I still love my partner… What if I’ve been in denial this whole time…. What if my happy moments were lies… 💔

I work for Warner Bros. Discovery and I got laid off as a result of the recent merger between Warner Media and Discovery. Just two days ago I was prepping to get promoted and now my boss was blind-sighted and had to lay off most of my team. We luckily have until end of January plus a severance package but it still is upsetting. I had a full on panic attack and cried hysterically on the zoom call and my boss and HR tried to do breathing exercises with me. I wasted money on take out and alcohol today because I’m so angry. On top of all the personal and financial problems in my life, this doesn’t help.