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What do I do when my HOCD makes me feel like I’m in denial and that I’m not romantically attracted to women, and the intrusive thoughts are there during these intrusive feelings? 😞😞😞

The anxiety really suppresses appetite

I don’t know what to do anymore. Its gotten to the point where I think about ending my life in detail every day. I would admit myself to the hospital but because I have type 1 diabetes I can’t (to explain it quickly- I have a rare form of type 1 that is extremely uncontrollable, the only people who know how to treat it correctly is me and my endocrinologist. I have been to the ER so many times (so they could save my life) and they ended up almost killing me because they don’t know what they’re doing and don’t listen to me) if I was admitted to a psych ward there is no way they would let me be in charge of my diabetes because insulin can kill you and they’d be afraid I’d try and do that on purpose. So I have been living in hell ever since. Anti depressants don’t work for me. Every therapist I’ve ever had has told me I need to move out of my house and thats what’s causing this mental torment. What has caused my OCD, anxiety and my depression is every person in my family that I am (and am not) living with. I don’t know what to do.

trigger warning is for those who may find menstruation talk distressing. i have irregular periods. last time i checked, no health issues linked. just due to probably stress. (i do want to get an update on it tho, not out of any fears but i just kinda wanna know what's going on). i know that periods cause spikes in ocd and anxiety. my current theme started on the first day of my last period. it'd been almost exactly one month since when my anxiety spiked recently. i have had no period, and no physical period symptoms that i usually get like pains. but i wonder if the anxiety spike is linked to the period that didn't happen, since period symptoms can appear without bleeding sometimes. does anybody else with irregular periods experience ocd spikes without physical period symptoms? just something i'm curious about, so i can be prepared for possible anxiety spikes when my period is ✨supposed✨ to happen, or as much as i can when irregular periods can really mess any sense of cycle up. i'd google it but google keeps trying to diagnose me with stuff 🥲

I broke up with her this morning because I couldn’t feel what I was supposed to feel all I felt was anxiety. I wasn’t excited to see her anymore, I felt sick all of the time and I couldn’t think of being in the relationship anymore without being nervous and anxious.. two weeks ago I was absolutely in love with her. We talked and I held her while she cried. And for some reason I felt closer to her then, then I had all week this week. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t make it past 4 months.

My fam says my fears are not their problems and that they can’t help me anymore. Mom just said she’s done and that I need to leave the house. I know they’re right. But now I feel like I have no one.

Yesterday someone gave me the analogy of a “happiness scale” in a relationship, detailing that if my happiness ever drops below 60% the relationship is probably not worth it. I don’t disagree with the theme of their message which is that I shouldn’t be with a person that does not add joy to my life or rather I shouldn’t be with a person who subtracts joy from my life, but I don’t love the scale and percentage analogy because I think relationships fluctuate and also a statement like that is so triggering for my OCD lol. Recently I have not been feeling super fulfilled in my relationship but also in any field of my life for that matter; I am in a place with my anxiety and depression where I feel a bit aimless. I am not someone who hides from my truth, so I recognize that if solely my partner was making me unhappy I would ultimately end things no matter how difficult that may be. But that line gets blurred with intrusive thoughts, because lately things have been hard in my relationship and kind of as a result of the ROCD I experience that I unleash onto my partner. Even as I type this out, I think, “what if my partner is the reason for all of this” even though I’ve been struggling with OCD long before I met him. I told them that my version of that statement is more along the lines of “would the healthiest version of myself be with this person” because it’s not as black and white in my opinion. Does anyone have thoughts on this?

And advice/coping when stuck in this need to know?

I came across manifestation a month ago on Tiktok then found Neville Goddard and Joseph Murphys work. Basically whatever belief/thought/feeling you have will manifest into your "3D" world (aka outer reality). But it confuses me. Every negative thought/feeling/belief or intrusive thoughts in general never ever come true for people. It's mostly the fear and anxiety that causes those thoughts and question your assumptions about things that aren't even true or unnecessary. It leads to searching things on google or social media - compulsions and rumination as well. People with OCD like me with have a single negative feeling and thought for MONTHS on end but never come true? So why do people on manifesting forums always say "you attract your fears" "every thought creates" "everything happens because of you" ? This seems stressful for people with mental health issues but they say you can always "revise" that or they don't believe in mental health at all. They think a repeated affirmation will be planted into your subconscious and will manifest but what about people who repeat affirmations or doubts in relations about their ocd (HOCD for example - “Does this mean I’m gay, bi, straight, etc?” over and over again for months or ROCD thinking how much your partner doesn't love you anymore for a year just worrying they will leave you) they'll say "oh yeah that'll form a belief and manifest into your reality!" but huh? It doesn't make any sense to me.

Is there someone who has self harmed in the past that would be Ok discussing this? I used to hurt myself out of frustration a lot but i had gotten better. More recently i had gotten in a weird zone when i am more aware of wht i'm doing but did it anyway. I dont know if it's for attention (that was the thought around it in my family growing up) Why did i do it? Maybe to show on the outside wht's going on inside? (I really want validation for other stuff. I'm not good with words to tell wht happened. But there was disfunction growing up and i think it's like cptsd is. where it's a lot of little things not one clear trauma. ) I'm such a mess. Sorry. And my counselor has shingles so he's unavailable to meet right now. I can txt him but i wanted to be in person with them when i bring this up. Guess i'm wondering about my motive.

i feel like my ocd has found evidence from the past that confirms my intrusive thoughts. i’m so scared that everything it says is real. i don’t know what to do anymore. i actually can’t do this anymore. i feel like i’m just a fraud.

Does anyone struggle with derealization mixed with existential ocd which just gets so bad I feel like I paralyzed because I can’t understand the world I’ll looking at. Absolutely terrible

Anyone else literally got like no friends. Not just saying “omg I have no friendsss” but like literally no friends? I’m 21 and since I was 5 and struggled with ocd I’ve never been able to hold a friendship. Anyone relate?

I thought I was finally over my sleep OCD but it was triggered all over again and it’s come back even worse than before. I even had to go to the ER so they could knock me out for while because I hadn’t slept in 4 days. I got out of the hospital two days ago and I’m terrified I’ll never be able to fall asleep on my own again. I’m crying typing this because I was doing so much better with my NOCD therapist. I just want to be normal again

I can’t afford nocd due to change in insurance. I am trying to find a therapist, outside of nocd, that works with ocd but also helps me with other life issues I have. It’s been hard finding someone who does both. Has anyone been successful with this and do you have any tips on what i should be searching for?

Anyone taking part in no nut November? Lol. I’m wondering if it could have any effect, good or bad, on sexual OCD themes

My doctor said I have ocd but now I'm getting a therapist I haven't met with her yet but I will next week and she will tell me if I have ocd or not I'm scared she's gonna day I'm in denial and then I'm not inlove with my bf I'm so scared I don't wanna loss him if I don't have ocd then that means I have to break up eitj him and I waisted his time she's not specialized in ocd btw she just knows how to treat it I'm so scared bro what if she says that I don't wanna lose him I'm crying about it now im scared

Has anyone kinda just stopped telling people they have OCD, because no one just gets it? Like u describe the pain and the suffering it had caused you or still caused u and they just brush over it or use some dumb example of how they can relate. Like no, what I go thru is far more painful and unimaginable than u think, and I wish they could just understand…. Because in order to understand me & my life story (even tho my ocd has improved dramatically) u still have to be able to sympathize with this big part of me. And it sucks cuz I never found anyone who could. Like literally anyone who takes it seriously, and that hurts.

My boyfriend has rocd we have been together almost 2 years ocd has been going on for most of it he’s having to go away to a therapy unit for a week next month so I have been writing all his confessions to me which he knows he shouldn’t be doing ‘Ocd went got hair cut got along with 2 girls there that was cutting my hair thought why don’t I feel normal like this with Sammy feel numb to Sammy like it’s not Reality life with Sammy due to all truma from ocd told Sammy this and said I look at girls now makes me think I’m better off single now I have the urge to look at girls now ‘ he couldn’t look at girls for a year now he knows avoiding looking at them will make ocd worse. He thinks if he looks at girls he unloyal even tho he knows it’s normal it’s one or the other for him he says in his head don’t look good Boyf look at girls shouod be single Anyone else with rocd obsesses over thoughts like this obviously it’s very upsetting to hear this sort of stuff all time from my brother no matter how much I remind myself it’s ocd I feel like it’s wrecking my feelings towards him now as I’m always so upset and feel worthless. We do have a good relationship despite ocd (I am Sammy btw)

To find out ROCD was there the whole time!! Please I seriously believe I wanna break up but don’t want to… it wasn’t supposed to get this bad… 😰💔