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Saying I’m straight feels like a huge lie. I hate that. It makes it feel so real. I cannot say ‘I’m straight’ without so much guilt

Sometimes I look at myself and find it hard to feel beautiful, my whole life I have been tall and over weight and it has made me feel very manly in a sense, or maybe that’s just because of my ocd. But looking at myself in the mirror with certain clothes trigger me. This year I really need to work on my health and overall just loving myself. I hope you guys have an amazing year and keep going on a great recovery path.

TW: Sexual (MSM) content; mentions of childhood abuse. Venting- This afternoon ROCD was swirling around in my head as were the thoughts about “Is there an element if truth to this? Am I just not physically attracted to him? I haven’t ever been, have I?” that I tried my best not to interact with. I did my exposure and actually felt like I did it right for the for the first time. I noticed where in my body the anxiety was and sat with that and felt really good afterward. It seemed like if I kept doing these exposures right, this would be something I could move past and my illness would diminish. It seemed like my distress was at a zero for the first time in a long while. Months? It seemed like I had a chance of getting better. We had a nice dinner and I played my computer game for a while afterward. We were talking about going to our room for the night and I looked over and saw a very plain face and facial weight. I tried to not interact with the interpretation of my BF. We realized we were tired and talked about going to bed but wanted to try intimacy. I decided to try behavior activation and do it and get ready anyway. I showered and got ready for sex and felt fine. I came out and something eventually got me or had gotten me triggered and into an irritable, pissy mood. OCD? Maybe. What would become a huge mood swing started off very very mild. It really grew as he started doing me. I felt triggered and frustrated by something but told myself to continue with the sex and see if it would diminish. I was trying to let it be present and not interact with it, but it increased. Even stuff he was doing during sex was frustrating me and irritating me. It got to the point where it became apparent I wasn’t into it and all I wanted to do was stop. He asked if I wanted to stop and I rolled off of his erection and put my face into the pillow, full of frustration, irritability, self-hatred, and the classic of “feeling ready to punch a hole in the wall.” It was awkward and embarrassing but stopping was what I needed to do. Anger and being irritable were overtaking me. I couldn’t fake it, I couldn’t deal with it. We’ve only had full on sex maybe 7 to 8 times over the 3 and a half years we’ve been together. After we stopped there was a good 7 or so minutes of silence and me breathing heavy into a pillow out of frustration. He eventually tried to comfort me and was nice but I’m convinced he should have been angry. I’m broken and his response is to tell me it’s going to be okay? WTF? I ruined it, and he deserves so much better. Not someone who f**king doubts him all the time, endlessly scrutinizes his appearance and is unconvinced they’re attracted. This sudden mood I got pulled into still hasn’t passed. I’m here thinking I haven’t healed from the decades of childhood physical abuse, school bullying, and long list of other issues. I’m here thinking I need rehab. I’m here wondering why I am not getting better when I’ve been in NOCD ERP therapy since early August. I’m having thoughts of debating sabotaging the relationship so he moves on and finds someone better. I feel freaking crazy. What should have been nice sex and connection turned into me getting irritated by something I can’t consciously pinpoint, the sex being ruined, me having a mental health spiral episode, and he’s now in the other bedroom because he thinks I need space. Can this even be ROCD at this point? What the hell? 😞 😢 ARRRRRRAGGHHHHHHHHH

TW: Sensorimotor obsessions Has anyone else dealt with this before and can give advice? I’ve recently kind of randomly started obsessing about whether I could pee myself in public and it’s led to me being hyper aware of my bladder and the sensations of peeing. I worry that I will not be able to stop paying attention to it and that my excessive attention on it will be what causes me to pee myself (up until now that hasn’t actually happened but I still worry). At first I tried to distract myself from it in the hopes that it wouldn’t turn into a full blown obsession, but I realized that is compulsive and actually makes it worse. I also tried to just use the bathroom as often as I can to make sure my bladder is empty, which of course was compulsive too and now I find it difficult to stop worrying about it even just after using the bathroom. I’m not sure how to approach it now, and I’m especially worried because I’ll be traveling by myself for the first time soon and will be staying with people I don’t know very well, so I know I will be in situations where I might worry about peeing myself. Can anyone give me advice on what to do to approach this? I won’t be starting therapy for a little while and I really want to do my best to address it on my own in the meanwhile.

I'm worried about the comphet. I haven't read the master document and I'm not going to but I've seen a little bit of what it says. What recently worried me was someone said that their attraction towards masculine women were comphet? That worries me bc there were only two girls I liked and it's bc they reminded me of boys, but I was not physically attracted to them and I didn't want to be in a relationship with them. I just admired there personality and I thought if they were boys I would probably like them. But I've met a lot of masculine women and never been attracted to them.

There’s nothing in this life but suffering… someone on here just told me that I was in denial of my HOCD and that my worst HOCD fear happened… I don’t know how I’m going to survive uncertainty because of this… I don’t know how I’m going to get better because of this… idk how I’m going to actually trust anyone on here anymore…

I’m thinking back and have always thought my SO-OCD began a few years ago, but I think it actually may have started when I was a little girl. I had a girl neighbor who was around the same age as me, and we hung out all the time. I didn’t have a lot of friends as a child, so when I made them I held onto them tight. One day, I can’t remember if it was her brother or her father, made a comment about me seeming like a lesbian. I don’t know why, maybe because I may have been clingy. But she was a very close friend of mine and likely any clinginess was a result of finally having a close friend, especially right next door to me. I remember being extremely hurt by this comment and embarrassed. My mind is trying to tell me that I was embarrassed because it was true and I just didn’t know because I was so young, but I honestly think that comment may have been the thing that started it all. Ever since then I have been super self-conscious about things that may come off as “acting gay” or something like that. But my mind is telling me that’s not why and I’m actually just truly attracted to girls. But I feel like that is really where it started. When I was super young, I was interested in boys. I had an enormous crush on a boy in kindergarten and thought he was the cutest boy I’d ever seen. I remember that. And I’ve had multiple intense crushes on guys but my head is telling me they weren’t real or I was just conforming to societal norms about straight relationships. And how my purposely avoidant actions for things like physical touch with other girls or sleeping in the same bed wasn’t because of that but just because I’ve always been attracted to girls and was in denial. But it just makes me think that might be the source, and if that’s true then it breaks my heart because 1. Those words should’ve never been spoken to me and 2. I will carry this around for the rest of my life all because of those few words. Not trying ti pity myself, just some thoughts. Sorry for the word vomit, but this has just been on my mind today and was curious to see if anyone else relates from this stemming from childhood. If anyone read this whole thing I hope you are all doing well. <3

My Rocd has attached itself to my ex. Whom I haven’t thought about in almost a year, and If I did, it was literally just passing thoughts. Now they bother me! It’s like my ocd is telling me to leave this relationship that is the absolute best for my ex.

How do I trust people if they will say that I am what I fear (with my HOCD) or I did something that triggers my HOCD… how do I trust people when I get told that I’m in denial… or that I was attracted to a guy when I don’t ever want to ever be homosexual or bisexual in any way shape or form…

Can false memory’s feel like a realisation and it feels like it actually happened and then later on it starts to feel like it didn’t and every detail is confused and you don’t know if it’s real or not anymore?

I’m so tired and drained, I feel like I’m drowning in my thoughts

So it has been a whirlwind the last month and a half. I found out 11/22 I found out I had colon cancer. An aggressive form. It rocked my world. But I leaned on my faith and my family(who were my rocks) after many scans, blood draws, and doctor visits I was set up for a traditional colectomy(laparoscopic couldn’t be done)on December 8. So I was told thursday 12/29/22 as of now they believe we got all the cancer and there’s a 90-95% chance I will not have this cancer come back as long as I’m diligent about my 6month scans and yearly colonoscopy. That said i could not take my OCD meds while prepping for surgery and for almost a week afterwards. This cancer has made me reevaluate my life and priorities. I’m making changes to my lifestyle, my diet, and definitely to my priorities. I told my wife in the hospital I wanted to be better and that this has made me realize there is bigger things to worry about than germs, and that I wasn’t gonna be taking the meds anymore I want to beat my OCD. But it has reared its ugly head the last week. Especially yesterday. I needed to get out and move some to help healing so we took our kids to Dave & Buster’s. Man it hit me hard. I took Clorox wipes(my security blanket) and I didn’t want to touch anything. And by the end I was just hurting and angry. And it just made me realize even though I KNOW it’s silly for me to worry about germs in regards to what I just went through, I still do. I feel utterly defeated. And now I’m wondering how can I ever keep my promise to my wife and myself when I can’t real this cycle. Any one have any suggestions? Or encouragement? I need it. Shooting for #cancer&ocdfreein23 Happy New Year everyone.

I'm just curious abt what anyone's thoughts are like when also being a people pleaser?

so i’m constantly worried of touching people l, grazing up or bumping into the them and the sort. sometimes when i try not to i like twitch, and it feels like i moved intentionally. i’m worried i bumped someone underage at a movie theater and that it was a case where it like felt intentional. i have pocd and i remember something involving some people at a movie theater a few days ago bothered me. at the time i told myself that since it’s a rated r movie you need to be 17 to go in, and i forgot all about it but now remembered that no one really enforces that. now 17 is still young so i doubt i’d have forget anything too drastic that could have happened but it’s still a possibility.

Hi!! I have hyper awareness ocd, mainly of my own consciousness/thinking/being alive, But I’ve noticed it’s extremely similar to those who have sensorimotor ocd with their blinking, swallowing and things like that. Those who also struggle with this, do you practice erp still? Are things like scripting good for this as well? It seems like complete acceptance is the way through I just get confused. How am I supposed to accept that I’ll be focused on this forever :(

hi all, i would appreciate it if someone helped me out here. i had a sexual encounter with my boyfriend two days ago. i wasn’t fully in the mood but i decided to engage in sex. it was a bit painful and i told him it hurt and we kept going. he kept asking if i was sure, that if i wanted to stop to just tell him. i told him i wanted to, but i felt like i was forcing myself. moral is - i can’t stop thinking about this. i have became so sad and i just want to sleep because this has caused me major anxiety. i keep thinking what if that was abuse? was that coerced if he asked to want sex? i need help. i love my boyfriend dearly and i don’t want to feel like this. thanks!

Does anyone with rocd have their feelings manifest to anger? Like every little thing my wife does, that I don’t 100% agree with, is a huge deal. God forbid its something important, it’s like the worlds coming to an end. I can logically tell that these feelings are not warranted but to get the feelings to follow suite is a whole different story.

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I told the guy off I’d say about a couple months before I met my boyfriend in over a weight loss thing that we discussed. The guy that I was talking to was really or seemed really interested in me and we were going to go on a date or two and before we could even do that we were hitting on each other and acting all fun and all that stuff and one day he said something that really got under my skin for no reason at all I don’t know it just got me really pissed off. He said you have to lose weight or eat healthy I forget exactly what he said but in his culture I guess they need to stay thin or something like that but I took it as he was calling me fat so I got into an argument with him and I basically told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. So basically he was telling me I needed to lose weight over cultural reasons I guess but I took it like he was calling me fat and he didn’t necessarily tell me that was the reason but I read online that people in his culture do take food seriously so later on when we stop talking I saw him in public and I started to feel bad. He waved hi to me and I felt weird because I have a boyfriend now and for months he’s never hit me up on WhatsApp or anything and I get this weird feeling that had we not argued about that little thing we would probably still be together. However I love my boyfriend so I don’t know why I’m having these feelings every so often I don’t know whether it’s just intense guilt that I had for flipping out on the guy or if maybe I still have feelings and it’s bothering me that I can’t figure out guilt from infatuation or what the difference between it is. I need to know what phenomenon this is because I don’t necessarily think it’s OCD completely. This happens a lot and I haven’t spoken to a therapist about it yet but I don’t know if it’s the fear that I’m making a mistake. There’s also times when I refuse to open messages from other men without my boyfriend present just in case I feel like I’ll hit on them or cheat back. A lot of it has to do with me I know for this particular reason with the not opening the messages without my boyfriend present part was from something that happened years and years ago where I was accused of cheating when I never did and a bunch of guys set me up because one of them really liked me and texted me and I told my ex boyfriend about it and instead I got blamed when I did literally nothing and ever since then I think I snapped and I’ve been stuck like this for years.

I been feeling "gay/bi" almost all day I feel alone and like no one relates to me, anyone else?