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Anyone here suffer with contamination ocd and how are you getting along with this crappy theme?

I just changed my nephews diaper and afterwards I washed my hands 3x and then used hand sanitizer and cleaned my rings 😅😅 excessive?😅😅😅

So every time I have that intrusive thought I get anxiety but it feels like I ‘like the feeling of doing that when I imagine it’ The thought is about smothering my cat/someone with a pillow. None of my other intrusive thought have every felt like that. But I imagined it to test myself once and I got bad anxiety but it felt like I liked the feeling of doing that. I don’t know if I’m confusing my feelings like maybe when I’m imagining doing that it feels like an urge to ‘squash someone with a pillow’ but my head is confusing the urge to do that with me ‘liking the feeling’ so when I imagine it I get anxiety but it feels like I would like the feeling of squashing someone or stopping them from breathing and it’s really scary and horrible. I know I don’t want to do that and it’s stressing me a lot. And it’s not like a verbal thought of ‘maybe you like the feeling’ it’s like an actual feeling and now I’m worried I’ve taken a liking to some sick action, I start tearing up and get anxiety but I don’t know why it feels like that. But my mind starts wandering like ‘what if it feels like a relief to do think that because your frustrated so that’s why it feels like you like the feeling, because I’m thought your acting on an urge’ and the worse part is when you watch movies and a killer does that smothering thing they make it seem like the killer gets a relief from doing that and I’m worried that’s me. The strange thing is so let’s say I’m worrying I like ‘suffocating someone’ sorry I’m going in so much detail but if I imagine strangling, I instantly know I hate it and wouldn’t want to do that and it’s really scary but with these thought about the pillow idk if maybe I’ve gotten use to them that’s why it doesn’t feel like I ‘hate them’ anymore but I don’t understand why it feels like I would like the feeling of doing that and it gives me anxiety and like a intense feeling in my chest and I don’t know what to do 😢😢😞😞 I feel so horrible and no one is able to give me any answers because they don’t know what I’m feeling

Hello everyone ! I hope this post won't be too long, I'll try to sum up as clearly as possible ! So, I think I have OCD for nearly 10 years now. I realised what it was maybe 2 years ago and I started therapy not long after that. (My therapist is not ERP trained but we're currently looking for one). My SO and I have been together for 1 year and a half now. We went through really tough times these last few months, I won't dive into details otherwise it will take forever but to sum it up : he is questioning his gender identity, my ROCD acting up, we started a polyamorous relationship. It's been a while since he is questioning his gender but he really starts to explore these last few months. (I'm using he/him because he's using it too and he's fine with people using it). He's dressing more feminine, wears makeup, uses another name sometimes. He really starts to discover himself and I really love that for him. Of course, it has not always been easy. I had my first ROCD crisis after he told me that he was sometimes thinking about surgery (and after he sort of proposed to me, not officially). It made me question a lot of things and it spiraled down pretty quickly. I had to stop working for 2 weeks and went back to my mother's, spending hours and hours ruminating. I was obsessing about his flaws and wondering if I really loved him. I was obsessing particularly over the fact that he is kind of an attention seeker (he has ADHD and seeking attention gives him a lot of dopamine). He likes being perceived as funny, pretty and being the center of the attention sometimes. He is very theatrical and loves to put on a show when we are in public. Sometimes it makes me a little uncomfortable and it annoys me because I don't always find him very funny. It's worse when I see people not enjoying it (I know that people tend to be very aware of their partner's flaws in public). At that time I was feeling like it was a sign that I didn't love him at all. Now I know that even if I don't always like this personality trait, I still love him with all my heart. It's normal that I don't like absolutely everything about him. I accept it, I accept him, all of him and it's ok. Lately, these thoughts were linked to his gender identity. Sometimes when he's acting more feminine, I feel like it is kind of exaggerated. I know he is experiencing, exploring his identity, his femininity, and he has to find himself in the middle of the "gender ocean" (the term that he uses, I love it). He tries to find what feels natural and what makes sense to him, I am perfectly aware of that. Plus, I know he is very theatrical and I think it is visible in these situations too. But I'm feeling so much guilt about that, because it triggers me sometimes. I talked about it with one of my friends, who supports me a lot, and we tried to find what was bothering me so much. He asked me "Do you feel that sometimes he is seeking attention through his gender identity?" and I said "Yes, sometimes" but we talked through it together because I'm perfectly aware he doesn't do that for attention, of course. We sort of came to the conclusion that this is his personality trait and it is expressing itself through this aspect of his life too. I know it doesn't mean it is fake or that he's doing that for attention. But it triggers me a lot because it annoys me sometimes, and I have these thoughts that he's acting too much, he's seeking attention and it is making me feel so guilty. I know that this is a part of his life that I'm learning to know and it has been a source of anxiety for me so maybe this is why I'm more sensitive on this topic. Sometimes he asks me if I find him funny or if I love that he's quirky and it makes me uncomfortable because I say yes but I know this is not always the case. And now that I'm writing this I feel like I'm lying to him. Few days ago, he told me that ADHD bothered everyone in his life but he felt like for me, it was my favorite part of his personality. I don't know what part of ADHD he was talking about and yes, I love when he is excited, when he is childish and we can play together, I love that he has this crazy part in him, I love that he has a lot of hobbies and he knows a lot of things about a lot of subjects. But some other parts annoy me sometimes and I feel like I have to tell him. I don't feel like being annoyed by him sometimes is a big issue for me anymore, but I am terrified that I am lying to him. That if he knows what I'm thinking it will break his heart and ruin everything. Yesterday we talked about the fact that I was feeling guilty because I talked a lot to my friends about our problems and now I feel like they only have a negative view of our relationship. These last few months, my boyfriend and I went through a lot and it was complicated for us to communicate. We were angry and frustrated and our relationship was pretty toxic at some point. We are working for the better now and we are walking hand in hand to build a healthier relationship. By always talking about our issues with my friends I felt like I trash talked about him and I victimized myself to make him look bad (I know it is disproportionate and I know by telling him I was seeking reassurance, but it was really hard to manage). He understood and told me that it was normal to express my feelings with my friends. He said : "It's not like you said horrible and mean things about me" and I started thinking about what I talked about with my friend and what was bothering me about his personality. And now I feel like a monster. I feel like I have to tell him everything I said, otherwise I am a hypocrite. I know it would hurt him, and I am so afraid of losing him. I can't tell if it's really bad or if OCD is making me dramatic af. It's been a long time since I felt that way, like I had to confess something really bad. My anxiety is really high and my partner doesn't know what to do. I told him that I was feeling guilty about some thoughts I had and that it would hurt him if I told him. He tried to reassure me, but I'm pretty sure he's thinking that I'm talking about our relationship issues and what we talked about yesterday. I really don't know what to do. It really makes me feel that I'm lying to him and that it is not normal to think like that about my partner. I'm also afraid of not really having OCD since I was not diagnosed by a specialized therapist. My therapist thinks that it is OCD but I'm afraid that I'm anxious for right reasons and that my thoughts are mean and awful. Thank you for reading this <3

How do I go about changing my thoughts about covid I want to think of it as any other viruses but my ocd is just taking it into catastrophizing mode

Hey, Does anyone else on here feel that they’re unlovable? I mean that no one will ever date you and that no matter what you try, you’ll always fail and get rejected? Let me give some context: I have OCD (shocker!) and I’ve always struggled with self-esteem. Since November 2021, I’ve been on a journey of self-improvement and exposures to help treat my OCD. The exposures involved talking to girls (I’m male) and just putting yourself out there. Let’s just say that I’ve had zero success in that area. I’ve even went to lose 75+ pounds, hired my own personal trainer, been going to gym, improved my diet, gotten better clothes, etc… But, it feels that no matter what I do, I’m just as ugly (inside and outside) as when I started. By on the inside, I mean that I still have OCD and that it’ll never go away. To top it off, I was even called “an incel” by my supposed “friend”. That is, that I’m never getting any. I’ve now come to believe that and have been looking into incel forums, only to be appalled by the lack of self-awareness and hate. My ask is 1) how to deal with low self-esteem with OCD (not giving yourself reassurance), and 2) stop a potentially dangerous compulsion of reading toxic garbage online?

I really wish I could get the obsessive thoughts of me hearing things and seeing things out of my head because I’m scared I’m gonna drive myself to actually start hearing and seeing things there’s something seriously wrong with me 😫 it’s like I think of whispers and every fast glance I do I feel like I am seeing things when I’m not has this ever happened to anyone!??

So in July 2022, I went to the shops super early in the morning. When I arrived and got out of my car, there was a junky guy standing around in the car park. When I got out of the car all he said was “excuse me miss” and I ignored him and kept walking inside. The entire time I was in the shop I was thinking “this guy knows my car and is going to piss on it because I ignored him”. I was fixated on that the entire time and super nervous to leave. As I was leaving I was hoping he had left, and instead he was still there only situated himself in front of the doors sitting down. I didn’t give eye contact and my car was just behind his. Again he said “excuse me miss” and I kept walking. I packed my car with my shopping bags and put the trolley away and then went back into the car. I was so nervous and on edge. I think from memory when I was walking back to the car and unlocked it I heard a bang and I thought he got up and freaked out quickly got into the car and locked it fearing he would jump in the passenger seat. Once I looked into the rear view mirror I saw he was still there. And sighed with relief. I sanitised my hands and just felt disgusting because of the thought of him potentially pissing on my car and just the whole experience I think made me feel gross idk why. Then when I got home and went to the bathroom, the intrusive though of “omg did I have sex with the guy” and “what if I did”. I brushed it off but then a couple of days later these thoughts turned to images of it happening. I wasn’t inside my body images it’s like I was onlooking it happening. Now I’m convinced it happened and I did it without realising or remembering. I kept reviewing my memory for days and days I broke down I was so upset and exhausted. This then spiralled to pocd and with my son. I’ve gone from that to “what if there are things I’ve done to my son and not realised?” And then I would get images in my head and I would retrace and review my memory. I forgot about the other incident because this now took it place for a long while. Now I’m back at the previous one and stressing I’ve done something bad and cheated on my husband. I feel like I can’t trust myself and have to mentally review my days when I’m out or when I’m home alone with my son. It’s absolutely exhausting. I haven’t been diagnosed with ocd but seeing other people’s symptoms I feel like this relates. Any advice?

I don’t know how much longer I can continue with these thoughts… I know it’s ocd but when I have the thoughts , I just want to cry 😢 I’m waiting on iop because my ocd is severe and nocd is referring me… I pray to God these weeks go by fast .

I’ve been having this theme for a while now . And now I’m questioning about my first time receiving oral by my bf . This happened in 2021 . I can’t rmeebr it good but I’m starting to have thoguhts what if it was r word and questioning it . I don’t believe it was and feel like it’s ocd messing with me . I hate this it’s so horrible . But I believe we had planned to do oral that day and when he came over we were going to do oral for the first time . Now I remember being hesitant pulling down my Pants but I can’t remember that day good . He was slowly pulling down my pants and so was I believe and I was kinda hesitant . I don’t think I was scared bc I wasn’t ready but scared lie what if it smells down there bc I did and still do struggle with BV . I don’t really rmeebr this day which is weird since it was my first time doing oral but if I truly didn’t want to then I wouldn’t just said no but I don’t think I did . I mean I was hesitant but I allowed it still . I think it’s just my ocd fucking with me again . And I would it like reassure but advice and maybe if someone can relate

So I’ve been worrying because every time I have the intrusive thought of ‘smothering someone’ it feels like I like the feeling of doing that and want to and it’s stressing me a lot. Like I was analysing my body just now when I had the thoughts and I can tell that this thought is stressing me out a lot, the anxiety I get, I get this tension/pain in my face and my head starts to hurt, I get goosebumps (but my head tells me it’s because it’s cold not because I’m scared) and I do these head twitches and scrunch up my nose to the thoughts like (argh not this again) but despite my body feeling under pressure and stressed out by the thought it also feels like I like the feeling of doing that when I imagine it and that’s causes my body to start stressing out and idk what to do. I don’t understand how I can be stressed out and not want to do these things but at the same time feel like I ‘like the feeling of doing that’ when I imagine it and it’s horrible. One minute I’m distracted and feel normal and next minute I’m bad again and ruminating 😞

I KNOW IT'S A LONG TEXT BUT PLS I'M DESPERATE. I need an opinion asap please. I'm an 18yo girl who's going through her first relationship and I'm really confused. I've never been diagnosed with any type of OCD but I've been a perfectionist my whole life and prone to overthinking. lately my thoughts have been torturing me for days since I'm not sure if I'm settling with my bf or if ROCD and my fears are self-sabotaging a promising relationship. I have been locking myself in my room compulsively googling about all my doubts while my thoughts and anxiety are consuming me. I feel terribly anxious and guilty all the time that I'm not with him. As background info I met my boyfriend in a club around four months ago. We're keeping a long distance relationship since he lives in a neighbor city and comes to see me every once in awhile (because my parents don't agree on our relationship due to the distance between us and don't believe it can work because of it, so they don't allow me to go to his city either). He catched feelings for me so fast, to the point he is convinced I am the love of his life. At the beginning, I was very attached to him too, he's a lovely, caring and supportive person, although we have different interests. Some time ago (can't remember exactly when), due to an Instagram reel (yes it might sound stupid) I started questioning if I really loved him or if I was just in love with the idea of him and the way he treats me. I started spiralling over if I should break up with him or not, since I had literally no reasons to (I mean, he never treated me wrong and he is actually a great guy, but we have different sense of humour for example and it's hard for me to imagine a future with him atm), and I didn't want to hurt him either because he was very attached and I wasn't that sure. He asked me several times to be his gf and I replied to him I wasn't ready yet and he kind of understood me but I know he felt hurt by the rejection. Finally I said yes on January 13th, after seeing him in person the day before and spending a lovely day, although the next day I felt incredibly anxious. he does a lot of things for me and I feel like I don't do anything in return. I feel like he loves me more than I do. and sometimes I feel like I'm settling when, for example, I don't find him very intellectually interesting or not sharing the same interests (although we support eachother). I've catched myself several times comparing our relationship with other couple's or with love songs, comparing my partner to other guys on the street or other guys I know. also I've been considering the possibility for it being an infatuation. I'm also aware that my lost feelings can be partly due to the distance, the lack of physical contact very often and my parents being against the relationship, but it gets really confusing when I meet with him, because we have really good times and I think he's really attractive too. he also makes me feel safe and understood, we communicate everything to eachother (except of this thing I'm going through) and we don't miss a single day without texting how our day went. our relationship looks like a really healthy one and even movie-like from the outside. I enjoy his company and texting him every day. that's what's keeping me from breaking up, as well as I feel like I would never find such a good guy and I would get back my decision. but when I'm not with him I start questioning if it's truly a perfect match. my triggers are people or social media posts speaking about relationships, other guys flirting with me, finding other guys more interesting, attractive or holding the same interests as I do, not feeling jealousy when he speaks to other girls, sometimes not feeling anything at all for my boyfriend, not seeing a future with him (although he's planning on moving to the city I live next year to study a career, which adds pressure to me), or even imagining I would move on faster if we broke up. I know he has been hurt before by other relationships and I don't want to be a bad gf, my intentions never were damaging him, so I need help to figure out if I should break up as soon as I can or if it's just my fears, self-sabotaging tendencies, ROCD, attachment style and/or fear of commitment that are playing tricky games with me. it's my first experience and I need help so thanks in advance!

Its me and my bfs 7 month anniversary today. It sounds dumb, but around this time in my relationships, I feel like something bad always happens bc this is around the time in my other relationships we’d end up breaking up. I always tend to focus on my partners flaws even though I don’t care about them. It’s so exhausting having the same thoughts over and over again, and constantly doubting my relationship even though it’s the healthiest one I’ve been in and want to stay in. If you’re going through the same thing or feel the need to constantly worry ab ur partner’s flaws or feel like you’re going to break up, let me know.

I'm worrying I'm a bad person because I'm not friends with this girl anymore. So, there was a girl who I was friends with until 2021. But this friendship was kinda toxic (I talked to my therapist about it already). She had a crush on me but I'm gay, so I didn't felt anything for her and in 2019 we had a really big fight because she started to feel jealous of others friends I had (I'm still friends with them btw) she was saying stuff like "you don't they are not actually your friend right? They don't like like, they preffer each other than you they don't like you" and that made me feel so miserable but I told her that they were also my friends and I'm not gonna stop talking to them (that's what she wanted) just because of her. Besides this fight there were SO many others, she even got to the point in 2020 she wouldn't even answer me anymore until I wrote a huge message apologizing if I ever did something that hurted her because that was never my intention. Also, since she told me she liked me and I said I didn't like her back, she said some stuff that made me feel like she would continue to be my friend ONLY because she had hopes I would have feelings for her in the future. Anyway, a lot of things happened and we stopped talking for a while, and then when she wanted to talk to me again I decided I didn't wanted to be in a friendship like this anymore, because this was the only friendship that have made me feel so miserable so many times, and all of my other friends were so nice, my friendship with them never made me feel like that. I'm sorry if this was too long, but ok, here's what is happening: 1- I'm scared I might be a horrible person because of this (but I don't regret it though, as I already talked to my therapist about it, she said it was toxic and if I felt more comfortable not having that specific friendship anymore, that's fine). 2- I'm scared like, what if this happens again?? With another friend?? All the friends I have now I feel so good about my relationship with them, I love my friends and I know they all love me back. But what if I end another friendship?? I truly feel so good about all of my friendships, I love all of my friends I don't want our friendship to end. I truly don't. But what if I fuck up things?? What if I'm a bad friend?? I don't want my friendships to end.

Hey guys, I just downloaded this app! Im a 19 year old girl, college student, and ever since I got to college, I’ve become a giant stress ball. I’ve not yet been diagnosed with OCD, but my family seems to think I’ve shown signs of it growing up, but they definitely think I have it based on how I’ve been the past 4 months or so, and I’m starting to agree. I think I have some sort of health OCD/anxiety and/or personal well-being OCD/anxiety, and probably a mix of general OCD/anxiety as well. I’ve basically convinced myself these past few months that I’m losing my hair, crazy sounding, I know. I’ve always been obsessed with my hair and so I noticed a change and I don’t think I was necessarily wrong about that change, but I’ve completely obsessed over it for months now. I mean seriously, I clean my brush every time I brush my hair and sit there and count how many hairs I lost to make sure it’s in a “normal range”. I try and catch every hair that comes out of my head to add it to the count and make sure it gets in the trash. I think the stress and anxiety I’m experiencing from this is actually what’s making it worse and ACTUALLY making me lose hair at this point. It’s to the point where I literally can’t function, my stomach turns into knots and loses appetite, and i constantly have the lump in my throat like I need to burst into tears. It’s really starting to take a toll on my mental health and confidence. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist this week and I’m hoping he will know what to do. I’m willing to go on meds to help my stress levels, but of course I looked up different medications and a lot of antidepressants have the small potential to make someone experience hair loss, here I go again! I will probably get anxiety about starting a new medication and then convince myself that it’s making me lose more hair, UGH!

Who here takes medication for OCD? What medication (SSRI or other?)? How are the side effects, if any? I took Zoloft for a couple years and my anxiety went down. However the side effects kinda sucked. I just felt like all my other emotions were dampened a bit. Do you guys feel like that?

I remember i couple months back when a new girl was going to join our school and i wanted to be her friend and i felt bad for her because it must be difficult having to join a new school and not know anybody. Then i learnt that one of my best friends had an argument with her a couple years ago and when she found out i wanted to be friends with the new girl she was so annoyed with me and so i was talking about it with the guy i liked at the time and i said ‘omg who do i pick’ and i was like obviously stressed because i didn’t want to lose my best friend and i also didn’t want to lose my new friend (they ended up becoming besties and leaving me lols) but at the time i didn’t know that and when i was voicing my worries to him about it he asked me if i was a lesbian. At the time i didn’t think much of it but now it has me thinking if im really in denial because he thought i was a lesbian

I feel so pathethic. I'm supposed to be better now. My kbt therapy is over and I'm on medication and my OCD is better and everything's better but I'm still so stressed I can barely function. I'm transfering to another school because I can't take it anymore, but that means moving away from my boyfriend's apartment and back home. Because I can"t eat only rice anymore because if I don't eat well enough my stomach issues act up. They're probably stress related. I felt like I was having a heart attack and had to ride an ambulance. Not that I was actually in danger. But I thought I was and it was the only ambulance in the area. What if someone got hit by a car or something during that unecessary ride? It was just gastritis. Gross. But it felt like I was dyinf. And since I struggle so much with making food for myself my parents need to help me with it. I'm 17. I feel like a huge baby. And I'm supposed to be a functioning person after all those hours talking with doctors and stuff. And I have to go back to school to return all the books and it'll be the worst walk of shame ever. I couldn't take it. So fucking pathethic. I was trying to eat dinner with my family and my brother started making loud car noises and I asked him to stop because my head hurt (he's 15, ot wouldn't kill him to stop) and he and my mother kind of exchanged glances and and mom told me to go away so that they can be allowed to live normally. She didn't mean it as worse as it sounded. I'm autistic and I know it's extremely rude to ask them to accomodate me more than they already do, but they're so fucking loud for no reason. Just because they like to make noise, I guess. It's not even that I just 'dislike' it, but it hurts my ears and I've told them so. But they won't stop screaming at each other, the TV. It feels like my existence clashes with the existence of everyone who cares about me, and I'm just in the way. I don't know how to stop taking up so much space. I hate being like this. I don't know what to do with myself

I feel like my intrusive thoughts are becoming my regular thoughts and the two are fusing together. I’m scared I might hurt somebody or myself because they feel so real. I don’t know how to stop my intrusive thoughts because my compulsions are almost like intrusive thoughts also.

Does anyone else get triggered by some of the things people say about accepting and recovering. Idk Like sometimes I feel like my thoughts are so awful how could i ever come to accept that and let it roam free in my brain. I think that makes my fear worse especially when it comes to magical thinking :(