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I just miss myself before I got pregnant again I want to get back to that person again not this panic ocd mess it feels like I won’t bounce back again to my old self and it makes me so sad and just hate life 😭

Hello! This is my first time using this app so if I do something wrong somehow please forgive me. Also sorry this is so long there’s a lot to explain. I think I might have had ocd my whole life but I never really noticed until I turned 18. Like when I was a kid, It would bother me if I missed a ring in a sonic the hedgehog game or in high school if I didn’t walk through a certain door, I wouldn’t make any friends or something to that effect. Nothing too major I guess. The quarantine really elevated it to an unbearable level. It started with washing my hands a lot. Now it’s gotten to the point where if I lightly graze something I don’t trust, it will bother me so much where I have to go and wash my hands which is a whole process now. It has to be 20 seconds, then I have to wipe my hands 20 times. If I don’t do it, it eats me alive and causes me a lot of discomfort. It was only really that until the intrusive thoughts started. But the intrusive thoughts were never over the top, it’s always something believable. First time it happened, I got a thought that I didn’t love my girlfriend anymore. Which I know was not true. She means the world to me and I wouldn’t give her up for anything. but it kept bothering me. I got so anxious and depressed because of it. My thoughts were convincing me I was loosing feelings for her. It was all I could think about. It became this constant fight in my head that would never end. It got so bad to the point we’re I had to be rushed to the ER because I was convinced I couldn’t feel anything emotionally I was that anxious. I found out a little bit after that it was a mix of the new ADHD or depression medication I was on I forget which and me forgetting to take my hypothyroid medication for a long time which caused my levels to plummet. I eventually recovered and was feeling somewhat normal again. Still washing my hands a lot and stuff like that but nothing that made me have an episode again. I would get depressed here and there and get worried it was happening again but I was eventually ok. Second episode happened around September of last year. I had the thought that I was non binary which I thought was ok. I’ve always been a little more of an effeminate guy so I thought I made sense until I started panicking again because of it. It wasn’t really even about it I just started constantly panicking again. It lasted for a while. Until maybe end of October early November. Most of December I was fine until me and my girlfriend had a herpies scare. Somehow her doctor misread a test result and said she had it. This made both of us panic thinking things won’t be the same ever again like we couldn’t kiss anymore stuff like that. Eventually, she went back to the doctor and they told her that he read it wrong and they apologized. We felt a lot better. Then a day or so after Christmas I had the thought that I was a full on trans woman and started thinking about it. I was confused because I was comfortable with myself and who I am. But then I started panicking again. I know I’m an effeminate guy or at least non binary of some sort and I am ok with that. but I kept thinking about it constantly and panicking. It still won’t leave me alone up until I’m writing this. Not to mention something new started where it’s not just one thought, it’s multiple at a time. My thyroid levels are apparently normal right now so it’s scaring me more. What I think is happening is all my issues are clashing. I have ADHD, depression, anxiety, possible PTSD, and obviously OCD. I also know something isn’t right because I’m not really motivated to do my art stuff or anything for that matter which I’m usually super excited to do no matter what. I might just also be depressed? I guess I’m making this because I want some sort of answer? I also want to know if anyone has a similar experience with this. I know trans OCD exists. I think someone on here posted about it. I don’t know I just want to be myself again. Thank you for reading if you got this far. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. Thank you again.

So cuz of my ocd I dissociate a lot. I don’t feel present often, but like I’m always lost in thoughts or sensations. I try to act normal. But even when I do, people literally treat me like “ok this girls a little weird”. I can’t explain it, but people literally think I’m off! Idk it’s very hard for me to be normal when I don’t feel right…. It’s very hard for me to maintain relationships/friendships now. I just always feel anxious x 100000000 Ugh does anyone understand or can relate?

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I have a thought that I don't remember whether I did some action in the past or not. and I constantly want to give myself an answer, because this is actually important for my relationship. prehistory: at the very beginning of the relationship with my current boyfriend, there was a betrayal on my part. in the first 2 weeks of our relationship, I still did not understand whether it would be a long relationship or not, and my ex invited me for a walk, and we kissed. The kiss was for a few seconds, but still. At first I didn't feel any remorse, but the longer I dated my boyfriend, the more I realized that I had made a mistake. I told him about it, he accepted, did not scandalize, supported and we continued our relationship. We've been dating for almost 4 years. We were both 17 years old at the time. Now we are 21. And a few months ago I remembered that situation and I was carried away - I began to think that maybe there was not only a kiss, maybe there were two kisses, or maybe something more, or maybe I kissed not only with this ex, but also with someone, began to write to different guys if I had anything with them during a relationship with my boyfriend. it seemed to me like I could not trust my memory and I definitely forgot something. I constantly told my boyfriend about these thoughts, he said that this is all nonsense, why am I making up my mind. and I just couldn't trust myself. it seemed to be true. How does classic OCD work in others? delusional thoughts that have nothing to do with reality. I have a different situation - there really was that kiss, I confessed to the guy, but was there anything else that I decided not to remember?or my psyche erased these memories. I went to a specialist for help, they told me it was OCD. but when the thought arises, I really have the feeling that it was so. I take antidepressants prescribed by the doctor, but still there are thoughts, and they are always different. I also have compulsions, constantly checking my phone, where I was that day, what messages I wrote, constantly checking my Google browsing history. I have this condition since August 2022. When I started taking antidepressants, everything seemed to improve, but it seems that everything returned again. if I could rely on my memory it would be much easier to get rid of it. and so, I just don’t understand if it was true, or if it’s OCD. I just can't stand it anymore, I consider myself a terrible person. I don't deserve my boyfriend. It's very hard for me. Yes, we were young, everyone makes mistakes, but I consider myself a traitor. I'm sick of myself. I hate myself for doing that. We had a difficult relationship, my boyfriend did not cheat on me, but he thought about his ex-girlfriend and wanted to return to her. He had thoughts of cheating on me. But he did nothing. I had a different situation, I did it unconsciously, because I'm stupid. But I know it doesn't excuse me. He even went to a psychotherapist, because he constantly thought about her and wanted to return to her and did not know what to do. Now I don't think I've kissed anyone else, I've realized it's not true and my OCD. (Thanks to my psychiatrist) But now I began to constantly remember what happened that evening. Was there another kiss that evening? I'm just obsessed with remembering everything. I don't know what to do, do you think I'm a bad person? Am I a cheater? Thanks for the answer in advance, I feel very bad, thank you for this application. (sorry for the mistakes, I'm from Ukraine)

As I’m typing I know it’s not logical because I know that I am still me and that this ocd episode will pass, but my intrusions lately have been like next level able to convince me that it’s actually me and that I’m making up that it’s ocd, which logically I know isn’t true. I woke up this morning and the instrusions were there first thing and it was almost like a feeling with it too? Like the intrusions were able to convince me so well that it was actually me feeling those horrible things. When that happens I start thinking like it’s real and then I start thinking about what a beautiful life I had before and what does this mean for my life moving forward? I’m out of that headspace right now but when I’m in it I’m afraid that I’m almost suicidal. I don’t want to die but I just started crying like it’s almost inevitable? I don’t have a plan but it’s almost like my brain sees death as the only option and that I’ll just have to accept it eventually? But then I cry because I don’t want to die. I’ve heard about this happening in hospitals like how doctors say to always listen when someone “just feels” like they’re about to die so I’m worried I could have a secret health issue or something too but that’s probably just the anxiety. I also feel guilty for not being able to stop intrusions and think about the beautiful childhood I had and all the amazing things my parents did for me and every coach and teacher and church and extra curricular that tried their best to make me a good person. Logically I know I am a good person but the intrusions are starting to feel like such a part of me and it feels like they will take over and I’ll throw away all the beautiful work and love everyone put into me because I can’t control my thoughts and feelings. God I feel distrusting. I am pmsing to so that could be contributing to the feeling of doom and grief. I guess my question is is this normal for ocd or is my brain trying to get me to accept and act on that I’m a monster? I was doing so well and has worked so hard to be happy too.

Hello I am a woman who is dealing with what I assume is hocd. I started dealing with it during the pandemic and it went and it had come back again. I am currently in a relationship that I am happy in but the hocd has been triggered again and I am afraid that later on my relationship or life, I will come out as gay or rather I am just in denial. I am also have false attractions that go with it especially with people of the same sex who are masculine presenting. Is there anyone that struggles with this please?? If so, how did you recover from it please??

Is anyone else triggered by stories of people who have a mental break? My biggest fear 😭. I know we should expose our fears and sit with uncertainty. I struggled to expose and move forward.. I'll read the same tragic story over and over...obsessively worrying it'll happen to me.

i woke up this morning and laid there just thinking. mind was like what if these thoughts are not thoughts and i’m making myself think these things and i’m like why would i think this like what is going on. why now am i sitting here wondering why is this happening.

My harm ocd is coming in SO strong right now. Even when I agree with the thoughts, it’s making it so much worse when I’m used to that making it better. It’s feeling like it is inevitable and that I want to or need to act on it. What is scaring me so much is it feels like I’m having to hold myself back! And that the more this happens, I will not be able to hold myself back anymore. Please help!

Sorry for all of the posts everyone. I just feel like my marriage is breaking right now. When we’re good we are good, when we’re not, we’re absolutely terrible. It’s really sad because we’ve only been married a year. Before we got married, our fights were super intense, and I was warned by others. And now here we are, just stuck. It’s just sad. I love him and he’s my best friend, but idk how to live like this really. Like I said we are best friends and laugh and joke together all the time. He treats me really well most of the time and takes care of me, but he can be extremely judgmental, harsh, and cause me to question my standing with God, etc. I’m not perfect either. I guess I just wasn’t expecting this.

I’ve tried both Prozac and Zuloft to help treat my OCD and neither has worked. I was on 80mg of Prozac and now 150mg of Zuloft but have felt little to no difference. Is there a better medication anyone can suggest? Thanks

I feel as though in my childhood it was beautiful pure and light. Mostly joy and peace. Now I feel so drained empty and depressed. I’m 14 and I wish I could go back and avoid all of this. I hide myself in my room away from the world so that people are safe from me. My friends simply don’t get it. And I am starting to get help it’s just I don’t feel normal and I most certainly don’t feel like Landon anymore. I’m so insecure anymore. I hate my body and my face I think I look hideous in pictures and I feel like a burden to my Mom and not because of her because she is the best mom anyone could ever have. She deserves the son who played football and had good grades and was involved and was kind and perfect. Instead she got this, this depressed anxious kid who misses school because of this and isn’t the best at school or inclusive. I have no idea what I want for myself in the future so I’m just living day by day and I hate it. I feel so alone. I feel trapped and I’m scratching and banging the walls for help but nobody can hear me. I just want to sleep. And I want to wake up and this be gone and never happen again. I want a life without this horrible condition. Where I make myself believe I am a threat or a monster or that I like certain things sexually. I will fight until I get Landon back. Landon who is 14 who is happy and spending time with friends and family and smiled and wasn’t hiding in his room away from the world which is beautiful. I know there is so much to experience in life but ocd makes me not want to be here I guess. I feel like all I do is Wake Up, Take Meds, School, Home, Eat, Maybe a breakdown, Sleep, or not sleep. I just want to be free. I feel like a person with a boulder attached to their feet and thrown in water. I’m drowning and I know one day I’ll feel the air again. I know it takes time but I’m so envious of other teenagers who can just live. I miss being a kid before all of this all of the color and life and beauty I want it back. Maybe one day I will. Idk anymore thx for reading sorry if I bombarded you with everything lol

Cliché, but Meditate. If I could go back, I would have meditated every single day. Whether for 5 mins or 2 hours, everyday consistently. Don’t think about end results, just do. Thats all I can say, it is something that just has to be experienced, and once it pays off, you will understand why I told you.

how to deal with obsessive thoughts about death?? i cant function anymore because the only thing on my mind is wether or not im gonna make it to tomorrow and its exhausting its been like this for months and i have no idea how to stop.

hey y’all! the past few weeks i’ve felt my anxiety get really bad again, when it gets bad it always comes in a depersonalization derealization kinda way. the last few days it’s been at it’s peak. i’ve felt like a complete loss of control i feel like i am not in my own body like my thoughts,actions, words everything is not my own like i can’t recognize myself in the mirror and feel completely numb to all emotions everything i just feel like i’m auto pilot. but it comes with this great overwhelming fear i don’t know what’s causing it or what im scared of but i just feel panicked for days on end. does anyone else feel these episodes? what can help? i usually go to the gym but my doc told me to stop since i have been having heart issues (possible trigger to anxiety is finding out bad blood work results and being sent to several doctors for immune and heart issues and finding out my bf of 3 years cheated as well as next week is my last week as a teenager ever so feeling very very out of control right now) please help! i’m freaking out 24/7

I mentioned yesterday that I would write about this later...so here it is. I feel…I don’t know. My boss who is so nice is leaving…I am probably going to cry. I will write more about my feelings for him later…I feel like I need to vent out (the following I wrote to my therapists): I have really had a tough time the last few days. I could not even sleep until 5:30 a.m. because I was so distraught (I don't ever recall that happening). If you wanted to talk to me is it possible to email me or call me on my cell because I don't want my family finding out. Feeling sad that my boss is taken (he is the first boss that I have fallen for, and I would say I have fallen for him pretty hard). I love his voice and his body and his laugh and how nice he is and he seems smart and he has a pretty truck that looks manly and probably a bunch of other things. I even looked him up online and it appeared that he may be married based on what I saw from Whitepages.com and from some of him and his families' social media sites, but I still wasn't 100% sure. It also looks like he has a wedding ring which I also find pretty. The point is I have felt like this about him for at least a year and it is a pretty massive crush, I would say. It was heartbreaking, I guess. A lot of my previous email was from a message I sent my NOCD therapist (she is on vacation), My previous (and first) boss was very abusive and even made me cry and never adjusted my schedule. My current boss has been so flexible and caring. He is the first boss I have fallen for. I have had some very intense crushes in the last few years (I was attracted to the same things in all of them, pretty much; their looks, they seemed nice, etc.) but he may be the first one with all of that plus I actually have gotten to know him and love his personality. I feel like he made me feel so safe after my last manager made me feel deeply upset. I get along so well with him. I have no idea what to do. I woke up and not long after started tearing up a little. I am not suicidal or in any danger but I have never felt this heartbroken. Please let me know what I could do. He is still at my work for a little longer. Thank you so much! I could add some more to this: I have had trouble eating since I found out yesterday that indeed my boss is leaving. My former boss (female, btw) yelled at us and insulted us and talked down on us and made me cry. She didn't seem to care about my schedule almost at all and overworked us. I felt like a victim and still am traumatized by her. She was a micromanager and a bully and abusive. My current manager? He is not a micromanager. He has been so nice. He praises me and has said stuff like calling me "smart" and "an asset" and "it's great having you here". I had no idea he was leaving. We just lost two people due to a sudden firing about two weeks ago and that was traumatic enough, and now this? Our store is so short-staffed already! I am worried to lose this wonderful job. It is a temporary job for me (I am trying to get a job with my college degree), but it is my first adult job and where so much of my OCD recovery has happened. I would never engage in an inappropriate relationship with him; I wouldn't want anyone doing that with my dad lol 😂. Seriously, though. That is wrong. I wouldn't want someone messing with my husband. I have total compassion if you have feelings for him (we are human, after all), and I have no problem if you want to be close friends with him, but don't have a relationship with him! :). I knew even before this job you can't have a relationship with your managers, but this just stunned me. I can't believe how hard I have fallen for him (no wonder he is taken; he is so lovely) and how hard it is now knowing he will leave soon. I do want to keep in touch with him in an appropriate way because he is the first nice manager that I have actually gotten to know in my young career. I would love to be lifelong friends with him. I told my friend at work about my feelings for him now that he is leaving and he agreed that he is a good-looking guy. Any thoughts? I have never had an attraction like this before in my life.

When you are having anxiety and feel like you’re losing your freaking mind what should you do? Ugh! Been obsessing for almost 24 hours now!

I feel like my ocd has gone much worse with medication. I feel more anxious when I was not medicated and it makes me feel tired.

Do you ever feel like you've been two different people in this life? One prior to getting proper help for your OCD and a different person after ERP? For me, whether right or wrong, I still sometimes refer to myself as "the old me," referring to before I got help. Am I the only one?