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Please. My ocd just ruined my night wit someone and I’m crying so hard. I don’t know what to do anymore . I hate ocd so much

would really appreciate if you help me out. I'm a teenager whose parents won't send me to therapy and can't afford one right now. It's been 2 months since I've first had the thought- am I in love? It was out of nowhere and ever since then for the past two months I've had these thoughts every single day. There have been many. To the point I once even decided to break up. But the anxiety the thoughts brought were a kind of reassurance that it's not me it's my rOCD. but lately, these thoughts don't affect me. They just come and I am not scared or annoyed or irritated. Makes me feel like what I'm feeling is true. It's scary. I've finally gotten over the urge of break up but now I feel like my boyfriend doesn't matter to me anymore. That I don't love him or even care a bit. Like nothing he does is gonna affect me. He makes no difference and I know these thoughts are not true but then I don't feel anything that'll prove it otherwise. I dont feel good or bad or anything about him which is weird for me because i even feel stuff about the people who have hurt me bad whereas this man is the love of my life. It does not hurt but i know im hurt Deeply.. We are on a break right now and I'm in a long distance relationship which makes it harder but days are now going by naturally and I'm not feeling depressed like before. I desperately want to get out of this and go back to being the loving and caring girlfriend i once was. Its feeling like somehow im blocking out my emotions and whenever i try and think about him in a loving way, i feel restless, uneasy. Can you please just give me some advice on my situation or what to do. I really need one right now. I know I love him. It just is so confusing. It will really mean a lot.

No one around me understands what its like to have this torment constantly in my head. My religious father is waiting for the chance every day to explain why these thoughts are "oppressive spirits" attacking me, and neither of them understand why I'm still tortured by them. I feel so alone. I know I show every symptom of OCD but I feel like such an evil and undeserving person, and my dad wanting to push his religion day in day out makes me want to snap. Having these two concurrent pressures on my mind makes sanity hard to maintain. I just don't get why I had to be born this way and be predisposed to being miserable. It's not like I can easily even self medicate either because I believe it's my fault and the guilt is all consuming, of which I can do nothing about and yet it's yelling over and over I'm to blame and need further punishment. I just can't take it anymore. I'm probably going to keep using drugs I guess until I get a good therapist, because I just can't take this anymore now that I have no one to talk to who would understand. I have done some exposure therapy but it's just so hard. I hate my past self. I hate that I was born just to be unhappy. I'm definitely autistic and misunderstood and mistaught my whole life until I got into my later teenage years, so rationally I know I should not blame myself, and that my real events have more nuance behind them, but fuck man I am pushed to my limit every day. I hate always feeling so sad when I see everyone else in public living life normally. I feel like a lost cause, and my SI is slowly coming back in because it feels like there's nothing I can do anymore and that I've tried everything. I'm so fucking tired. Even if I can see everything logically line up with OCD, it doesn't matter. I feel alone, I feel like I can never be understood, and I feel like I don't deserve sympathy anyways. I fucking hate life and myself. I managed to do it so wrong I guess. I question why I even bother sometimes. One day I'm going to have a meltdown and scream my lungs out again, I'm counting on it. 🫠

I’m 4months post partum. I have anxiety, depression and OCD intrusive thoughts. One month ago, I had no idea what was going on with me. I was sure I was losing my mind and going completely crazy. But, luckily I found information end of February what was going on with me (OCD harm, post partum, inappropriate intrusive thoughts) I’m working with a post partum counselor that is trained in ocd intrusive thoughts. But I’m here because I feel that I need something more, or maybe to find a better fit. I receive my first call tomorrow with this app.. wish me luck. Also Im also on medication, anyone else? It seems it got better not a whole lot.. it’s only been 3 weeks. Thanks for reading and remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE ❤️ we will get through this. Much love from the desert 🌵

I want to beat OCD because I want to live my life to the fullest. TW (Existential OCD, DPDR, TOCD) I’ve been having crazy existential OCD which started after I had a life changing health crisis. I’m young so this hit me pretty hard, causing derealization and depersonalization. After this, I’ve been obsessively asking myself existential questions which have no answers and proof. This derailed me completely. I was full of love and life and now, a lot of times I question if anything or anyone or even I am real. I want to beat OCD so I can live and love whether or not things are real. I also started having TOCD. I always loved my gender. I’ve never wanted to change anything about my gender. However, one day I randomly started having TOCD which really took over me. I want to beat OCD so I can wear makeup, paint my nails pink, wear sweats or a dress, and wear my hair the way I want without leading to obsessive questions about my gender. I want to do what I love, look the way I want, and love who I want without obsessing over my pronouns and gender. I have one life and I want to live it the way I want. OCD is persistent but not more persistent than I am. I don’t know why I wrote this post but I hope it can motivate someone. We can beat OCD together :)

I feel stress definetly brings out my OCD and makes me feel depressed

Can harm ocd convince you that you actually like the thoughts or that you would actually want to act on it and that it would feel good to do that horrible thing? I feel like as time is going on I’m believing it more and more that I’m bad and it’s to the point where it feels like I want to act on the thoughts or I would like the feeling of acting on the thoughts but at the same time I’m crying all the time and miserable about this and I wouldn’t want to do that but I’m believing it so much and it feels too real and I feel worried because it feels like I want to act on it or would like the feeling of acting on it, is that an ‘urge’ at the start I use to get ‘urges’ but then it felt like it hasn’t happened for a long time but now I’m think is the reason it feels like I want to act on it or would like the feeling because I’m getting fake ‘urges’ and I’m confusing it for me ‘wanting to do that’ or that I would ‘like the feeling’ ? Like I wish I had a button to get rid of this problem because I would never want to be bad and wish I could have my old life back but at the same time I now it feels like I want to act on it and I’m worried I don’t want to be bad but I feel like I’m lying as well and secretly want to please advise me 😞 I’ve been in a state all day of worry, I was fine for a few weeks was feeling so much better and then I came on my period and suddenly it’s a huge turmoil of emotions and feels like a big problem and that I’m actually evil and would want to do that and I feel awful and miserable

i called another guy my platonic soulmate the other day (unsure whether or not he heard me say it). i am so anxious about this. i was drunk and talking to a friend when i said it. the worst part is i do have a LOT in common with this guy. we’re incredibly similar, and i’ve worried for a long time that i might have a crush on him because of this. we’re alike in a lot of ways that me and my boyfriend aren’t. but i love my boyfriend and choose my boyfriend and that’s that. if i never saw this other guy again, i’d be fine. i’d be relieved even! from here on out i’m gonna make an effort to distance myself from this other guy. i just can’t believe i called him my platonic soulmate. i’m genuinely so distressed and upset about this. the guilt is horrible. i’m scared this is a form of cheating. if my boyfriend found out, i’m scared he’d be heartbroken. i feel like i have to tell him but don’t want to. but it feels like i’m hiding something from him if i don’t. if he called a girl he had a lot in common with his platonic soulmate i would be so upset with him. genuinely. so how can i get away with this! do i tell my boyfriend or not?? and is this cheating?

In short answer- yes! Our dreams are filled with all sorts of things, so it only makes sense that sometimes we will have dreams about our intrusive thoughts. So what do we do? ERP! We can't control our dreams, just like we can't control our thoughts. What we can do is choose how to respond to it. The first time it happened to me I was a little alarmed at first, but then realized if I'm dreaming about it then that means it's probably something I should tackle with some ERP. I had a few more dreams after that, but they were much less intense and easier to move past (sort of like our intrusive thoughts!). Don't let it fool you, even in our dreams we are STILL not our OCD!

At first it started as harm ocd but now I’m worrying about all the other types now like for some reason I’m worrying about transgender ocd and then I was worried I had that multiple personalities I don’t understand why I am even worried about this because this isn’t me, for one I love being a girl so im definitely not wanting to be a male but this stressed state makes me worry/question everything It just keeps getting worse and im scared a psychologist cannot help me I just want to be myself again, im suffering with depersonalisation along with this so it makes it much scarier. And my intrusive thoughts will see something and convince myself that’s me and I want to do those things or I have that and I cannot escape these thoughts im so over it im absolutely tired. Has anyone experienced it to this extent and actually gotten better? Because honestly I don’t think I’ll recover from this.

When I was younger and I first learned about submitting to a husband, I remember saying I was looking forward to that (I was 20). Now that I’m married, and that exact scripture has been used against me when I wanted to make my own decision about getting Botox and my husband told me no, I have so much fear with it, yet I STILL want to do it. I’m triggered by watching Christian women and couples on YouTube talking about what a godly marriage is supposed to look like because I just feel like a failure. I want to obey God and please God wholeheartedly, and the other part of me is fighting for my autonomy. My new therapist and I are gonna do some trauma work (I’ve done A LOT over the years), so hopefully that can help any deep rooted issues I have. I’m just full of anxiety today and I get anxious reading the scriptures, wondering if I made a mistake and I’m not fit to be a wife. Just venting my sweet friends 💋 love you all.

I overslept and didn't go to class. I tried to do the online portion but I just quit because I had no energy for it. Then I just straight up cried because of these thoughts that torment me and I hate how low I think of myself. I tried to just take a break from everything. After washing my face I went to check out a hash tag for a kids show that I like a lot and currently watching to see what kind of art people are putting out. Some good, most bad, and some that were very disgusting to me seeing as these are children in a kids show. I knew it would probably disgust me but I was curious just to see what fans are putting out. OCD is currently trying to say I'm a pedophile because of the very disgusting thing I saw, and I don't even care to fight the thoughts right now. I'm just so tired. I know I'm not a pedophile because I wouldn't be on here complaining about it. That's just gross. I just want to think better. All I want to do is just think better of myself and not let the past get to me. I just want to stop the worrying and move forward. Aside from these intrusive thoughts, I just don't think of myself as a good person or a person with high self esteem, even if all people do is see me do good things. Like ordering food for family, getting birthday gifts for a friend, which ultimately made my day just to see how happy they were, and just trying to be there for people. It's like no matter what I do to try and be good, I just have bad thought constantly plagued in my head.

i feel so sick right now with fear!!! the other day i got incredibly drunk. i can’t remember a lot of what i did or said that day. there’s this guy i know who i’ve been worried i have a crush on for a while. i have a boyfriend and it terrifies me to think i could not love him. and breaks my heart with guilt. i just feel awful. this other guy has some traits i really like but i can’t tell if i have a CRUSH on him. it’s just a horrible uncertainty for me. but i choose to be with and love my boyfriend so i focus on that when i feel anxious. anyway, apparently when i was drunk i was saying to my friend that that other guy is ‘my platonic soulmate because we sleep in the same position’!!! and i don’t know if he heard me say that. i also was apparently being really kind about him to my friends (saying he’s great and under-appreciated etc). since i was drunk, this was my subconscious speaking and that terrifies me. if my boyfriend said these things about another girl i’d be absolutely devastated. i would be so upset and angry. i would cry and cry. so the fact i’ve done this makes me feel deeply guilty. i want to cry. i feel like i don’t deserve my boyfriends love. he’s too perfect and good for me. i feel horrible. i’m also scared now that my friends think i’m inlove with this other guy. i just explained to one of them that i absolutely don’t like him like that and can’t understand why i said all of that stuff when i was drunk. she didn’t seem fussed. but i’m worried she thinks i’m in denial. because i’m worried i am!!!! i don’t believe myself when i say it’s nothing. i’m scared i’ve been disloyal and unfaithful. i’m scared i have feelings for someone else. i love my boyfriend so much i really do, and i feel so guilty. i’m scared i’ve hurt him.

In my recovery there have been the expected ups and downs. I’m trying my best to cut out compulsions and hidden compulsions. I’ve even stopped reading and communicating on this forum as my therapist and I discovered I was using it to compare my journey to others as well as to get reassurance from seeing others going through the same thing in their descriptions. The hardest thing for me is not to ruminate or dwell; the feeling that I need to figure it out. I know it’s a compulsion and it won’t lead to answers but it’s so scary to not know if I’m at all in love or if I’m even happy. It’s so hard to live with this gloom and this feeling of depression. Sometimes there’s this feeling that I want out of this relationship and given that I have about everything I want in a partner, it sinks me and causes immense pain. On top of that, trying to give this relationship a fair chance and having to lean into it when it’s feeling impossible to even make it through the day is immensely difficult. And on top of that, accepting uncertainty, and remembering it may all be absolutely true when you’re down and depressed is torture. To get through the bad days seems unbearable. My progress is starting to become more and more evident. I have had a nice stretch of days where my doubts were seemingly gone. Now that they’re back and feeling so real again, it’s so tough to ignore or use skills. This knot and fear are excruciating. I hope it’s OCD and that happiness and enjoyment can be found. I hope you’re all doing okay.

Hello, I want to share my story. My name is Julia. I found out about OCD only 6-7 years ago. In fact, I haven't confirmed the diagnosis of OCD. But everything goes to this. I'm just afraid, I'm not ready to hear a real diagnosis. I understand that you can't prepare for this. It's like any physical illness. I visited 3 different psychotherapists. Simply because I like to avoid anything that gets complicated. Only with the last of them, I was the most open. About six months ago, I interrupted our sessions. It seemed to me that at that moment it became a little easier for me. Now I'm getting worse again. Where do you get your strength? My primary symptoms: 1. Dermatillomania (skin picking), maybe it comes as a separate mental disorder, but my specialist said that most likely these are related things. 2. I constantly do cleaning, literally every day I come home from work and start dusting, disinfecting all the things that are in my bag, all the door handles. This process can take from 1 to 3 hours a day. I used to think that I like to clean, that it relaxes me. When in fact, I hate doing it, but I can’t just stop myself. The slightest mote on the floor irritates me. It's very difficult to force yourself to accept the fact that the principle "order in the room - order in the head" doesn't matter at all. I'm tired of this, sometimes I manage to agree with myself and convince myself that if I forget to dust, I won't die from it. But this rarely happens. I have doubts about my sexual orientation, whether I have OCD at all, whether I'm real or am I in some kind of dream. Sometimes it seems to me that the objects around me simply don't exist. My riatul before going to bed - I need to check several times whether the door, windows are closed, the iron is turned off from the outlet. Are all things in the right places and in the "correct" position. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed. There are too many thoughts in my head, obsessive thoughts. I can't deal with all of them. I’m constantly trying to control things... even things I can't control. For example, when there is a heavy downpour and a thunderstorm begins. I close all windows, recheck the situation every 5 seconds. I want to influence the weather, but how? It's just not possible. Also, I try to unconsciously control other people and their thoughts. It annoys me. In the future I want to have children. Every day I think about what if they have OCD, how I can help them. What if I hurt them. I'm already making scenarios with bad endings. Every day I think that I'm a bad person, that I'm only making things worse for everyone. Or something like "maybe I'm capable of murder", "maybe I'm evil." I google the symptoms all the time and think I might die. I’m tired of people telling me I’m "too sensitive". I try to be kind to myself, but sometimes I fail. I'm so tired of my thoughts. I rarely cry. One bad experience in the past still has consequences. I don't know how to cry, especially in front of people. I have too much control over my feelings and emotions. When I feel bad, I just distance myself from everyone, I don’t want to communicate with anyone. Also lately I can't make a single decision. I feel constant guilt for no particular reason. I have trouble concentrating and haven't been doing my job well in recent weeks. How do you manage to control yourself? Are there any techniques/methods that help you? I do various workouts (yoga, stretching, etc.) at home. But sometimes even it doesn't help me relax and not think too much. I have good friends who will always support and help. But it's difficult for me to discuss my condition with them, simply because they'll not understand. I would like to talk to those who understand perfectly how I feel. I apologize that my post was too chaotic. There is a complete chaos of thoughts in my head. Also, sorry if my post has mistakes. English isn't my native language.

Does anyone else feel like when they mention someone they are talking to, to their friends they start to think the universe is against them and gonna mess it up? Because that’s what I’m going through right now. I notice things and things that have always been going on but now I think “oh now it’s because you talked about him now the universe is gonna ruin it for you” and I’m beyond stressed! So what if he’s left me on delivered for a while, that doesn’t mean anything right?? Idk I’m stressed out I feel like I’ve ruined it because I’ve talked about him, regretting it and I wish I left it a secret

I keep having bad outbursts of shouting/screaming crying and people around me keep saying I’m mad and my mum says that I need a carer or that I should get a carer and that’s making me feel like there’s actually something really wrong with me and that I’m not normal and it’s like I hate being at home like I feel like all my problems are there and when I’m out the house i feel a lot better and like a weight is lifted off my shoulders and I feel happier, the only thing that helps distract me from my harm ocd is going shopping or going to visit people like my aunty or my grandparents, socialising really helps me feel normal and when my ocd gets really bad I absolutely don’t want to be at home and the only way it gets better is if I do things I enjoy like shopping or visiting family and then I can calm down and start feeling like the ocd isn’t such a huge problem, but I’m not independent at all I’ve never been anywhere by myself and I’m too scared too, I was overprotected a lot and rely on my mum for everything so if she decides she doesn’t want to go out anywhere I start feeling really bad and we start arguing and I start crying and screaming and it feels like my body is being affected as well, like my hands get really hot when I get angry or one of my arms starts feeling pressure or like it gets hot and feels weird but it only happens in one arm when I’m like shouting and crying, or I feel a lot of strain in my head and one time my hand started swelling up when I was angry, she thinks I’m having tantrums because I want to spend all the time enjoying myself when In reality I’m just trying to do something to help myself forget about the ocd and I feel so unheard I keep telling her and explaining how I feel and she thinks I’m just having tantrums and tells me I’m being controlling and I’m selfish, but I’m suffering so much with this problem no one even knows and she thinks I’m just having tantrums because I want to go shopping and I just don’t know anymore I feel so trapped I don’t know where to turn

Hey, i don’t know how to write this and make sense to anyone but could use some advice..So this guy and i were in a situationship for a long time and we both started feeling like we need a little time off or him or ig because he said he needs some time cause he is mentally going through something and I understand that well cause i am too so we decided to take some time off of eachother and be in no contact for a while and hopefully if the door is still open reconnect better and healed later if its gods will and both of us want it but i have strong feelings for him so it hasn't been yhe easiest to sit with the uncertainty of maybe we reconnect maybe we dont and this is the end or 1000 more thoughts and also i am scared and before we took the no contact decision this is a thing that happened cause things were a little off for quite sometime which led to the no contact..now i am someone who believes in god and I believe in his work now i don’t know whats his will but i am struggling i am absolutely crushed feeling and thinking about all this now my major concern is that what does god want this to be an open door? Or has he closed the door and I haven’t realised it? Or am I supposed to have faith that it will work sometime but what if it doesn’t he removed him cause it wasn’t from him? He sent him for my growth and my self healing journey but will never give it back to me? I messed up a lot of times in the relationship but then i dont know what god wants me is this a lesson is he supposed to last a season or is there wait that god is asking with this person? I cry to god and i beg to tell me if i am wanting the right person but i just don’t understand idk how the thought of someone else makes me feel.. and how even his thoughts make me feel i feel like i ask god is he right for me should i wait for him and i dont know what he says to me either its me manipulating my thoughts to make myself and god say yes but thats not true and if its a no or even a yes i will question it but if its a no i shouldn’t right? Like i dont know what to do i feel like i cant trust mu gut and intuition i dont know if i should keep hope and faith regarding this the relationship wasnt the best from both sides in the past so idk if holding on is right and what god has to say about it.. you can keep Praying for something but not receive it so i don’t understand what to do or feel about this I constantly keep thinking what god wants me to do and am overthinking this too? And then i see these bible reels and stories on instagram saying god will remove people from your life even if you dont want them to and i don’t understand will i keep feeling like this? This helpless and this hopeless about my situation i lose patience cause i think he is talking to other girls and doesn’t care about me and just used me and all that.. I started therapy too is that right? I have my exams i need to study i dont know how to keep these thoughts at bay to focus on that i keep begging god to tell me Whats right and whats wrong and i don’t understand what to do anymore like does he want this for me does he not will this be better will it not? What if he wants to remove this and i keep holding onto this as long and not recover or what if i don’t understand whats he trying to tell me? I can keep hoping and waiting and it never happens and the thought that it might not be gods will panics me it makes me think i might lose him but why do i need him is this really something more in terms of feelings for this guy or just pure attachment which i dont get now and i have started to feel anxious about it? Or am i not healed enough to have this in my life and if i am not okay with the maybe not then maybe thats whats gonna happen thats what god is teaching me right? What is gods will? What should i listen to? They say that you will hear it in you intuition and gut sometimes it says let go there are indications you should and sometimes it says hold on it might get better? What do i do? Can someone pls help me?

Does anyone struggle with fears or intrusive thoughts that they may have raped or assaulted someone? I’ve been a victim of SA in the past and I have a lot of distorted thoughts and doubts about past encounters being entirely consensual and enthusiastic. The feelings of guilt and shame are almost too much to handle.

My husband aged 39 died to suicide in September last year, leaving me alone with 5 children. We'd been together 20 years since teenagers. He developed an addiction to cocaine and prescription drugs after 13 years together when he was in his 30s. Really random as he was tea total before. Anyway my grief has been horrendous lately, the realisation he isn't coming back. He was my best friend and sole mate. I don't agree with drugs, so kicked him out hoping he'd change. Our relationship turned toxic in 2018 due to all the fights about him lying regarding drugs. I threw a mug at him and he left me calling me a psycho, he randomly added loads of girls on Facebook telling them they were attractive. He invited himself round to ones house and basically ran me down to her and she said he was off his face and made him leave. A counsellor told me drug addicts do all kinds of things in the grips of addiction they seek solace and support all over the place and told me to see it as part of a bigger problem ( drugs) in which he needed help. I stool by his side and he did get better for the next 4 years, he went to AA and had periods of sobriety. He returned to his lovely self, and was ashamed of everything he'd done in the past. He was always a great husband and father prior to addiction. He text me the night he died, saying to remember whatever happened to know he loved me and the kids more than anything. It was too late by the time I got help. Now I'm trying to process everything, people keep saying to remember the person before addiction. I have ocd and for some reason I've developed the thought he could have cheated on me in the past before addiction. Although I have absolutely no evidence. A girl I disliked years ago told my friend she didn't know what my husband seen in me as he was so good looking and I was irritating. So I blanked her next time she tried to speak. She then told me she seen my husband in our car with a girl with dark hair. I confronted my husband over this at the time and he phoned her to ask why she was lying. She said she wasn't sure it was definitely him but seen our baby on board sticker on the car window. Anyway he looked like he was telling the truth. And later she accused another friends husband of sexual assault. On my hen night walking home my niece took my bride to be sash off me and wore it. My sister said a group of girls walked past and said I've slept with the brides husband. We were all drunk so I never thought about it. Plus I trusted my husband impeccably. I thought my sister could have misheard, it could be my niece, they could have been joking. Basically all these things happened 17 and 14 years ago. My husband rarely went out, I would check his phone and all he used to look up was sport. He didn't ever act guilty or nothing to indicate an affair. All his friends said he was a proper family man. I always think cheating comes out in the end anyway and we live in a small town. A lot of people say I'm doing this to try and stop the grief by painting him out to be an adulterer. I'm so upset with it all. I want to be able to grieve but now I have this in my mind it's making it hard. My ocd is making me phone family and friends to ask if they think he cheated, everyone has said no. He loved me too much and wasn't that type of person. But as soon as I feel reassured my head starts thinking that I'm being stupid there is two clear cases of evidence and I dismissed them over the years. My therapist said there's no evidence as it's both hearsay and hearsay isn't evidence. I really don't think he would ever have cheated before I remembered these two stupid things. I'd like to think I'd have trusted my gut, my gut at the time would never suspected him. Help please.