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Does anyone else already said his intrusive thoughts out loud when alone and really struggling with an ocd episode ? And then regretting so much I feel so alone 😢

My bf is coming over tomorrow to my house to stay for 4 days. Lately everyone I’ve seen him I’ve always had really bad anxiety attacks to the point where I’m shaking and vomiting and my ego body hurts and goes numb. I’m panicking rn and nobody is getting it. I wanna cancel but I feel bad and my therapist said I have to but if I’m already having anxiety rn imagine tomorrow and the next 4 days? I feel stuck rn bc I’m afraid it I have a panic attack my parents will get mad and not let him come over. I can’t vent to anyone really about this I just need help and advice bc I’m over everything rn

growing up I was fully convinced that I was straight. even when people would tease me and my girl best friends about “being gay for each other,” I took no offense because I was entirely secure in being straight. however after my first kiss with a guy I THOUGHT I liked my senior year of high school, I suddenly spiraled with SOOCD. I spent a ton of time reflecting on why I didn’t enjoy the kiss, how I possibly could’ve convinced myself that I liked a guy that I didn’t, and completely lost trust in my feelings and attraction. I spent hours doing groinal checks, analyzing how I’ve felt in previous friendships and about “crushes,” gathered “evidence” about my personality that might somehow “indicate I’m gay,” and couldn’t even leave the house for two weeks because I couldn’t stop checking people around me. I finally went on lexapro for a bit to settle down my brain, and after about a year, I felt pretty secure in the idea of me being bisexual. fast forward to now—I was doing pretty great off meds, and now I’ve suddenly spiraled the same thing this week. I’ve progressed a lot with a guy recently and now I’m having attacks again, convinced that I’m lesbian and deceiving myself and him, even though we’ve agreed to not being in a relationship for now and just see where things go. so I guess I want to ask, does anyone experiencing SOOCD genuinely think they’re lgbtq+, but they can’t stop obsessing over it? at this point, I feel like there is genuine evidence that I’m bisexual and maybe even lesbian, but I am having an insanely hard time accepting it, even with the support of family and friends. I also don’t know if my SOOCD has just gotten so bad that I’ve fully convinced myself of this, but regardless of whether or not I’m actually lesbian or bisexual, I just want to be ok with it.

This is nonsense posting,bunch of random people in here having freak outs me included is it even helping anybody? Does anyone really care other to get an answer from someone for themselves?

I started having intrusive thoughts between 6 and 8 years old. It happened on and off until high school. As an adult I was able to cope by just ignoring them and they started to be a rare offense. Now I'm in perimenopause and hormonal fluctuations and they are back with a vengeance along with depression. This is a very scary time of my life any words of encouragement are greatly appreciated.

Hi, this is my first post here and I don’t think I’ve ever been this vulnerable about my mental health so here it goes… i was diagnosed with ocd back in middle school I am now in my mid thirties. Since my middle school days I have had therapy but I honestly never new there were subtypes of ocd until about a year ago. When my girlfriend had mentioned something about rocd. My relationship has gone through it’s ups and downs in a big part because of my mental health whether it’s because my ocd is acting up or if it’s because of the depression that comes along with it. We had a long discussion today and there is a lot of uncertainty surrounding that discussion. I almost feel if things don’t work out with this if I should even bother continuing to date. It just seems as if things are always doomed to work out and something with my ocd is at the center of that. More or less I just needed to vent to an audience who understands what I’m going through. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

Does anyone else experience OCD revolving around other people mainly? Like people’s intentions or if people are real? I get intrusive thoughts about my family having been replaced by imposters, and then I worry that I’m experiencing psychosis or something because of these thoughts. Both the fear that I’m having psychosis and the fear of the fact that whether or not my family has been replaced by imposters is “unverifiable”, as ridiculous as it is, gives me bad panic attacks. What’s the difference between this and actual psychosis? Does the fact that it feels real make it real? I’ve never been evaluated by a professional which makes me even more anxious…I don’t know, just looking for answers.

I’ve learned what subtypes of ocd that I have and I hate that it switches themes, but it’s a good reminder that it’s ocd because it’s compulsions over many thing. It helps me remember that it doesn’t mean I want those things. It’s so stressful to deal with intrusive thoughts and constantly seek reassurance. I’ve been doing ok lately and doing much better and recognizing compulsions, triggers, fears, and which thoughts are intrusive and ego DYSTONIC (hope I spelled that right lol.) I’m just afraid of the ocd coming back worse, or that maybe it’s not even ocd what if I want these things. I know better, but I’ve is so good at making you doubt yourself. I hate over analyzing everything, it just makes it worse… but how do you trust yourself and stop overthinking??? Any tips?

Is the goal of ERP to become indifferent to the thoughts or to just accept that certainty is not a given? I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts the past week that I am so scared of them that it instantly drives me into a panic attack. As soon as one of those thoughts jumps into my thinking I instantly am petrified that I am suicidal, have a desire to kill myself, or that I am beyond help now. Everything in my body tells me to fight it, be scared of it cause only people who want to commit suicide have these thoughts so strongly Thoughts such as: You will never be free so you should end it now You want to kill yourself Only people who want to commit suicide walk around with these thoughts. I have been using my ERP Statement of “maybe I am maybe I am not” in 10 min increments a couple times a day. So is the goal to truly not know if you are or not and just be ok with that or will the ERP give the clarity so you can ultimately say yes or no? Lately today tue anxiety when I use my disengagement statement my anxiety goes down periodically and I am not as scared. I know these are simple questions but I am really trying to understand and move away from this fear of facing these thoughts without having panic attacks.

New members starting NOCD Therapy often ask me, "Will I have to go on medication during treatment?" The answer is always the same: That is a choice that you, your therapist, and anyone you choose to involve in your treatment can make together. NOCD will never interfere with your personal health decisions, including decisions about medication. Sometimes a person may respond best to a combination of exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy and medication. What that means is that if you are interested in supplementing ERP with medication, your NOCD Therapist may recommend you for an evaluation for it. Again, you, your therapist, and others involved in your treatment will make the decision together. Read more about how NOCD keeps you in charge of your own treatment.

So I’ve never been officially diagnosed with OCD, one of the main reasons I’m here is because the closest available appointment date to speak with a psychiatrist about my mental health is August first. Over 80 days from when I made the appointment. So basically, in my desperation for some relief and community while I wait I decided to download NOCD. I first noticed weird little quirks when I was in middle school, like I noticed I felt “off” or “wrong” when I turned to my left instead of my right. Like if I had to walk in a certain direction I would have to turn around clockwise to the direction I wanted to be walking, if that makes sense. Turning to my left made me have to turn back the other way, almost “unwind” myself. That was a small thing that sort of came and went as a young person and I still have crop up to this day. I also started struggling with violent, horrific intrusive thoughts about hurting people I loved or just images of gory scenes involving my loved ones. I was also afraid I would destroy items that meant a lot to me or other people, hurt people, kill people, lose control. I also began having thoughts that my whole family would die in a car accident/some sort of horrific event and in order to “stop” them from happening I would have to say this very specific prayer in my head. This started when I was in middle school I think and persisted in different ways until like 2018. Around 2017-2018 I would get really bad intrusive thoughts when I hadn’t heard from a friend in a while and would think they needed help or might be in some horrible situation and I would text and call until they answered while on the verge of a panic attack, unable to shake the idea that something bad was happening to them. Any logical thought of “they’re probably just busy, they might be at work/asleep” was overshadowed loudly by the horrible thoughts. There was one particular friend of mine who it would usually happen with. I knew that she wasn’t hanging out in the safest of places and often would get drunk at bars/random people’s houses and that made my anxiety far worse. When she wouldn’t answer her phone my brain would tell me she was in a car wreck, she or her friend had driven drunk and crashed. Or she was taken advantage of by someone and was drugged and being assaulted. It honestly got really bad and out of control. When she would eventually get back to me I was simultaneously relieved that my anxious thoughts were wrong and extremely concerned and embarrassed knowing that I had made a complete fool out of myself by letting my anxiety win and control me. In 2018 I had this really intense religious/existential anxiety that I couldn’t shake. The thought of there being nothing after death gave me anxiety, as though I would actually be experiencing that nothingness consciously, despite how illogical that is. But also the thought of God being real and vengeful gave me terrible anxiety. What if God was real? What if I was doing something wrong and God hated me? What if I was going to go to hell and be burned for all of eternity? What if the Christians who preach that sort of God were right? I couldn’t escape this thought, and I would do a similar prayer ritual occasionally to attempt to appease this hypothetical vengeful God in my head. I was raised in a conservative church and I am a queer person, so it’s not super strange to me that this particular obsession would crop up the way it has. The religious and existential stuff came and went in waves from about 2018 to 2022. In 2022 It came back in a really intense way and morphed into something else. Eventually I couldn’t shake the thought that somehow my family was plotting something against me, and having that thought was absolutely terrifying. I literally felt like I was going crazy or experiencing psychosis or something. Having that thought, and the fear that I was having a thought like that at all gave me the worst panic attack of my life. I went to my mom and dad and told them what I was thinking and that I was really scared and they tried to console me and I told them that I think I should go to the hospital. They took me to the ER and the doctors basically told me I had just had a panic attack and that I should probably go on some sort of medication to manage my anxiety. That leads me to now. My main anxiety is now I’m terrified of becoming schizophrenic, experiencing psychosis because of my intrusive thoughts that my life is some kind of Truman show nightmare. I sometimes have trouble trusting my own memories, trusting my own thoughts and feelings and I’m always wary about having another panic attack. I feel like I’m constantly waiting for something horrible to happen or for me to fully lose touch with reality. I know that my anxiety is not the truth, and that anything I think up is not automatically true just because it’s a thought I’m having, but things are so bad recently. Side note, I also like “adjust” silverware and stuff whenever I have to get a fork or spoon from the drawer, and if I don’t pick it up the “right” easy I have put it back and pick it up again, or sometimes the silverware I pick up doesn’t feel like the “right” one and I’ll have to pick another one. I also have a recent one (past few months) where I can’t have my whole body in a room when I shut the light off. I have to have my body beyond the threshold, reach into the room behind me with just my arm and shut the light off. It’s exhausting. Sorry for this very very long history of my personal mental health lol. It’s just that I feel like lining out how far back I can trace my issues to helps me realize exactly how long I’ve been struggling and ignoring this. A lot of these things I have never told anyone before. I wish mental health services were more readily available and weren’t so stigmatized. I probably would have spoken up a lot sooner and been able to start working on things before they got this bad.

Have any of you been stuck in what feels like an OCD loop? It’s like being held hostage by OCD. It’s like everything becomes a trigger. Like there isn’t a part of the day where I’m not having intrusive thoughts because it’s the only thing my brain can think about. So every conversation I’m thinking of horrible things I could say, every time I pet my dog think of things I could do to hurt her, anytime I drive I think of hitting pedestrians, every time I’m alone I think of ways I could hurt myself. It honestly feels like my brains on fire I’m starting to think I might have some kind of destructive brain tumour because I can’t comprehend how this can all be mental illness. It’s the ‘urge’ I can’t deal with it feels so real. I’ve had mental illness and likely OCD my whole life but nothing has ever made me feel as scared and hopeless as this. I’ve been having horrible migraine attacks daily for months and I think the trigger is the stress and anxiety these thoughts cause. I feel like I can never rest. It’s like my head is caught in a vice and my eye sight is constant flashes and static. Blood tests normal and two eye tests back normal. I can barely work as my whole job is computer based. I don’t even know how I would begin to do ERP because it feels like I’d have to tackle EVERYTHING about being alive! I also don’t think I have any compulsions. If I do none of them provide any relief so it’s basically just me feeling like I’m going insane every single day since October. It’s impossible to relax when my brain thinks we’re either going to die of a brain tumour or going insane and hurting myself against my will or doing something to someone else that would mean I would have to kill myself. My brain honestly believes it’s inevitable I won’t be along for much longer and it’s petrifying. I don’t know how to get better until I can reset my body to get out of this cycle. How am I supposed to move forward when my brain and body is in constant fight and flight? Does anybody relate? My brain doesn’t even believe this is OCD anymore… I guess this is reassurance but I’m having such a terrible time.

Hi everyone i’m currently really struggling and wanted to write a shortened story of my journey. I was 14 (now 17) when the “what if I was gay” thought popped up and stuck me like lighting. Ever since then I have never been the same. Before this I experienced no attraction to women, never liked one, never acknowledged a women in that way… basically absolutely nothing! I had boy crushes and found them attractive. Simples. Anyway the thought latched to a past event which was minor and made my anxiety spike like never before. I was checking if I liked girls all the time when in reality I knew I didn’t. If I felt the slightest feeling in my stomach or whatever it sent me into a crying fit. Bach then it was much much worse than now however because it’s been 3 years with no treatment it has almost automatic. I spent days ruminating, checking, crying and reassuring. Not realising what I was truly going through. I had my first groinal and even arousal over a some women dancing on tik tok. I was stressed, panicked and anxious at this point my heart racing adding to the arousal. This was my lowest point it was almost confirmation I liked girls. But deep down in my bones that wasn’t the conclusion for me. I tried accepting but felt there was nothing to accept because I dont like girls. However over the years the intrusive feelings have gotten more real and it felt like I actually liked this girl. But if i was truly gay I wouldn’t feel such disgust, discomfort, sheer sadness, and uncomfortable if this was me! I found a way to conquer the thoughts AT TIMES by accepting them almost falsely agreeing. It showed me there wasn’t really a threat and I didn’t actually feel that way. This was even before I found out about SOOCD. Anyway I’m still experiencing thoughts and frightening feelings but I’m trying to take it day by day… trying my best to accept the uncertainty. I was doing so good but yesterday I took a turn. It feels almost stupid to talk about because i know the answer which is I don’t like girls. But then these intrusive thoughts feelings and sensations come in and catch me. So if anyone is experiencing anything like this it would be more than appreciated if we could chat because right now I just want to feel less alone and more hopeful. Thank you 💓

I want to beat OCD bc it ruins my quality of life, makes me distant and avoidant, scared of everything. Literally EVERYTHING. OCD started for me I would say around the age of 9. In our 4th grade class we started to learn about sexual education. More so puberty. But they did mention sexually transmitted diseases. But I just remember so clearly after that my brain was hooked on the idea that HIV was lurking everywhere and blood was dangerous. Which I’m not saying this is not something that can be true….and my heart is with those who deal. Or know someone. But my little 9 year old brain was like yeah I have that. It got so bad to the point where one time I was eating ice cream….cookies and cream. And there was RED in my ice cream. Now it’s probably bc they spilt strawberry sauce or the strawberry flavor got mixed in that tub that day….it was at a busy baseball stadium so it happens right? Well I saw it and my heart sunk….I was with a friend and her mom and dad. I had her mom check my mouth to see if I was bleeding or something…and when she was like very confused and said “um, no….I don’t see anything” instantly I was convinced for a long time I had HIV. This manifested into me ruminating. Being afraid to touch anything. Preparing in my mind that I was going to die. It was a disaster…what was even worse after that thought ended….another took its place. I was convinced I had breast cancer. At 9. So I prepared in my mind that I was going to die and it was over. I wanted to tell someone but keep in mind my mom and dad were both very stand offish….abrasive…and when I came to them about things that scared me in my own child brain they would laugh at me and tell me I’m too sensitive. So after awhile I learned to keep things to myself….but this further put me in a hole throughout my life. Btw I’m almost 30 now. After my first episode, it spiraled off and on. The themes would switch. Someone coming into our house and stealing everything. Or killing my mom. I would check the locks ALOT. Once my mom asked me to make sure I locked the door before my dad came to pick me up for the weekend she was traveling with her, now ex husband. I thought I could handle it. I’m positive I locked the door…but I didn’t go back to check and make sure it really was locked. My entire weekend was ruined at my dads. I sat there in a daze going what if what if what if…and staying in bed until my dad dropped me off that Sunday. I got my first babysitting gig at the age of 11. Couldn’t even change a diaper. Had to have the eldest child do it bc my brain whispered “Michael Jackson….Michael Jackson….Michael Jackson” I never babysat again I was too afraid. Fast forward to today, I have convinced myself I can get pregnant from a toilet or toilet water splashing on me. It’s so bad to the point where I clean the toilet 3 times and wash my hands twice. Even if I’m literally going to pee my pants….it gets so bad to the point where I take excessive amounts of emergency contraceptives. I have now taken 6 total in the past 4 days. I feel physically awful. But I can’t help it. My brain goes what if what if what if. And then when I act on my compulsions, my brain gets a sense of relief like ok I took the plan b but then it switches up on me, like what if that food you just ate reacts with it and makes it less effective and you get pregnant? I currently have strep throat right now as well and I haven’t even been able to take any OTC meds to helps bc I’m afraid it will cancel out the EC. Even tho I’ve researched SEVERAL times that Tylenol will not or ibuprofen. I stay away from any form of intimacy. My partner doesn’t understand. And it makes him very angry and I get it. It’s not him…it’s really not…I’m literally morbidly terrified….I used to seek reassurance from him but now I have researched multiple times in a day “can you get pregnant from a toilet seat?” Bc I’m too embarrassed to tell him. It’s so embarrassing. I wear two pairs of pants bc you just never know if there is bodily fluid on chairs or couches…hahaha right? Not so much. And logically I can understand the improbability. But my OCD has me CONVINCED. This theme has been going on for about a year now. It comes and goes….but it is so strong this week. It started on Sunday. I can’t even use a public bathroom. Can’t use family members toilets if we go to visit. Can’t even use my own toilet in my own home. I will literally hold it so I can clean the toilet 3 times and then wash my hands twice and then consider if I need to go to Walgreens to get plan b. It’s obstructed my sleep. My relationship. My life. I take medications for this too but that’s another thing my OCD attaches to….”what if you start taking your antidepressant and anxiety meds and youre pregnant and it harms the baby?” In February I spent over 100$ on pregnancy tests. Bc I was convinced. It’s really affecting me. I needed to get this out of my mind. I wish I could tell my partner but he has no patience for me and my issues. So I’m here….but I have to remember only I can fix this and get help. I have the resources available but my ocd has ruined that too. Can’t even feel safe to take my meds that my doctor literally just talked to me about in regards to my OCD. She even referred me to behavioral health specialist. Which I get to see in June. But I’m in too deep already. I’m so tired. And I’m also sick so that doesn’t help. I hope we can all heal. I hope we can all end the stigma. I hope we can all get access to compassionate help for whatever our fears are. I hope we can find Jesus bc he can heal this once and for all. This is a life ruiner and I understand. You aren’t alone.

I was doing so well. I wasn’t anxious I would still have done intrusive thoughts but I wouldn’t get super anxious about them and I wouldn’t be seeking reassurance like I was before. Just now I woke up from a dream and it was so distressing and I’m crying and I don’t know what to do, I feel so guilty. In the dream (tmi warning sexual) I was going to have an orgy with my bf and two other people that I have had a past with. In the dream I decided I didn’t want to do it anymore, that I only wanted to do it with my bf. Then I woke up and while I was half asleep I was trying to think about whether I would have wanted it with one of them (the one who has caused me the most anxiety and obsessing since being in a relationship). Then I got kind of turned on while I was thinking about it but at the same time I was thinking about doing it with my bf. Anyways I feel so bad especially because I was awake and it feels like this confirms all my fears with this person because I couldn’t decide if I would have wanted it or not. I never dated either of these people, my bf is my first partner,but things with that person didn’t just “end” because I decided I wanted them to like with the other person. I think they ended over time and because I started dating my bf so I couldn’t recall specifically deciding I didn’t like that perosn anymore like with the other one. But still I feel so bad and it’s just triggered everything I had been worrying about before I was doing well. I don’t know what to feel I feel so bad

Why is it every single morning feels like I am swallowed with depression and anxiety both? As the day goes on I slowly feel relief but every single morning is the same. I dread mornings now. I used to love waking up, sitting out on my porch drinking a cup of coffee listening to the birds. Since the OCD spiral it’s the last thing I want to do. My mind cannot stop asking “when is it gonna be different? How long will I feel like this?” And that makes it so much worse. I think I have a judgment around it. The longer this goes on, the bigger the meaning. As if to say since I’ve felt this way for six weeks, something is really wrong and I can’t pull myself out of it. How do you reconcile your morning depression? Is it a matter of accepting it, treating yourself with compassion and kindness about it? I wonder if I’m beating myself up since I still feel so deep in the depression hole.

OCD is hard, it is terrible, and it is unfair. No one in the world will ever understand what it is like to have OCD and that is ok. The road ro recovery is going to be very, very, very, very hard, but it will be worth it. A life full of freedom is worth any hard day, month, or year. Keep going friend. I know you can do it. Keep refining your process and thinking of ways that you can improve your day and life. You are going to be ok, I am right here with you!♥️ **If you are having a hard time in life right now feel free to drop a comment!

So I know ppl say “if you don’t give the thought a reaction it’ll loose it’s power “ or something like that 😭 , but I just feel like if I don’t react on it something seriously bad is gonna happen to me like me (dying) which is sooooo frightening to think abt … I try to just ignore it but , I just can’t because it’s not JUST A THOUGHT there’s also physical sensations that makes it more convincing that something is wrong so it’s annoying I’m honestly just sick of it Any advice

Just feeling so fed up of having to battle with my brain all day everyday. My bad days are way more than good days and I just feel like the past 10 months my life has just become so depressing. I often think what sort of life do I have? For having rare good days and then having to spend most of my days struggling. What’s the point honestly? This probably sounds so depressing and I’m sorry but I do just think what is the point in living like this?

❤️