Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Lately I have felt like I care less about everything. People, hobbies I used to enjoy. Etc. can ocd do this to you after you’ve been fighting a flare up for awhile ? My POCD has been back pretty intense for about 2 months.

...and only recently (within the past couple years) fell into mental illness, how do you deal with grief over the life you used to live? The life without constant fear, the life that was normal... the life you loved and lost because of anxiety. The kind of life you might have to accept you could never really get back. It all feels so awfully fresh to me, I can so clearly remember what it was like before, even if almost all of my habits have changed because of one anxiety or another. I can't remember how I used to do most things (particularly when it comes to my own hygeine--though I know it came naturally and wasn't this fear-involved or time consuming) and I feel lost. Part of me knows my life is now different and while some habits need to be trimmed down or stopped altogether, I can't always figure out which because all of them spike anxiety at the thought of quitting. My "new normal" has almost totally erased my "old normal". Just a vent really, but if anyone's been in the same boat, I hope you have found some modicum of peace...

I have a constant fear of being a psychopath both physically and mentally… Dahmer is my biggest trigger.. hearing what he does and why he did it makes me scared… I don’t want to be a bad person I don’t think I currently am.. I’m just scared and shaking it feels so real but I keep letting myself know it’s just a thought and that one thought doesn’t define my future or what I do with my life. I LOVE, I CARE, and most of all I PROTECT. Rough night today but progress is progress.

My ocd has completely crippled me. I have become prisoner to it and I want to break out so bad. I'm constantly worried with the what ifs. Terrified my thoughts will manifest into reality, no matter how dark. Practicing rituals that cause me distress. I am even so fixated and worried about my girlfriend, if she doesn't answer or respond soon enough,it quite literally feels like the end of the world. I want out of this ocd, I can't take it. My thoughts FEEL SO REAL.

This morning my cat was following my everywhere and my harm theme was so intense after a nightmare I had last night, I could not calm down because wherever I went she went there with me and I kept avoiding. It pains me so freakin much, she is such a sweet and loving kitty and it's so horrible that I can't even be near her and give her the love she demands due to my harm ocd. I felt so anxious and scared and at one point I even felt so annoyed with her and it scared me! I sat down on the floor outside my room and started sobbing and suddenly said out loud "I can't deal with this anymore" and at that point I felt impeding doom and felt that I was going to get up at any sec and hurt my cats and my family, I really thought 'this is it, it's about to happen' ...I don't get this, it felt so fkcn real, I did not do anything but I literally felt I was going to and now i'm so traumatized :(

A am a catholic but I have bad thoughts that God is greedy since he wants us to submit and give our everything to him. I am about to cry while typing this because I feel bad for saying that because I live Him so much and don’t want to have those thoughts anymore.

I just became a father and now any experiencing pain in the abdomen. Immediately looked for symptoms online but I fear of it being Cancer. I don’t have any tests or diagnostics saying it’s cancer but I can’t stop looking up more info on the internet, I’m 33 and I know it’s rare for me to get it but I keep having extreme anxiety and panic attacks that keep me visiting the ER for further testing. I have followed up with doctors and they are running tests but I keep thinking I won’t be there for my family!

So im a believer, i want to follow Christ more, and i learn everyday about Him and God, and what the bible really means. The problem is that there are things that are really scary for ocd people. And for me its the existence of demons that can effect you. I accept that the Devil exist and there are demons but the thing that they can speak to you or affect your life is really scary to me, and i always say that thats not true, demons cant have an effect on me cause im with God. But that seems like an escape. Many people view intrusive thoughts as words from the demons,the enemy, and mental illness as their power over you. And viewing my thoughts like this is stressing me out. I remember one night i was thinking im going crazy or demons are taking my soul cause i had alot of scary intrusive thoughts, i was afraid satan is talking to me, and it was so scary... the only thing that helped was that i labeled it as ocd and just my mind playing with me. But if i say this, then i start to think that well the good things that happening to me maybe its not God, its just my mind...i just imagine it like its God... and some would say this is the enemy trying to convince me that all is just a fairytale... Idk how people with ocd should accept that demons can talk to you, like its so scary, it will make our religious ocd worse.

Can anyone relate? After a stressful time in my life I now know I started to experience depersonalisation… I had a panic attack at the time and it started thoughts such as ‘ who am I? Am I in a dream? Am I someone else or in someone else’s dream?’ That then stuck as I am so scared of mental illness and losing my grip on reality . Now … because I know I would actually BELIEVE my thoughts if I was in psychosis my ocd thoughts change to ‘ I am someone else help! ‘ rather than questioning … does that make sense ? Anyone else relate I’d really appreciate it as I feel like mine is too rare to be ocd 😳

i am in such fear of my partner cheating especially because we have been arguing a lot lately and we’ve been disconnected. this is the roughest stage our relationship has ever been through. the thought is plaguing my whole day and making me want to go into a shell and not talk to anyone at all, and to be alone for the rest of my life so i can be safe. but i know that is no way to live. i value my relationship but its so scary. and i know people can say don’t worry about it if it’s not in your face right now, all you can do is hope for the best. but i’m the type of person to not want to be smiling and happy in a cheaters face. i have been cheated on before its one of the worst feelings in the world and it scars you. it makes you look at trust, people and the world differently. i am living in fear and i just want peace. i can’t do this anymore

i have no idea if this needs a trigger warning or not, but i go into some detail about my intrusive thoughts so i thought it was better safe than sorry my ocd was bad as a younger kid, i wasnt diagnosed nor did i even know about it. though im not diagnosed yet, im 100% sure i have ocd and ive never been more confident in something (i wish i could get a diagnosis but im young, scared ppl wont believe me, and my parents dont understand ocd and think it's just my anxiety– but that's not the point of this post) as i grew older, my ocd wasn't super bad but i was very sad a lot of the time. recently, within the last year, im the happiest ive ever been. i dropped a person that made me feel terrible, i started dating my best friend of three years and he makes me the happiest man on earth (i have not a single complaint in the world about him), and i have a close group of a few friends who i love. i also came out as trans and gay to my family after years, which felt like a giant weight off my shoulders. overall, been an amazing year, but as i got happier, my ocd got worse. i feel like now that im happy and have something to lose, my intrusive thoughts have something to cling onto– and it's a variety of intrusive thoughts (thoughts about my loved ones leaving me/dying, thoughts that my loved ones actually hate me, thoughts that my life could come crashing down from one little thing that either happened in the past or that will happen in the future, etc etc) i feel like a shit person for it, i feel like a shit person for crying all the time when im happy and i feel like a shit person for my thoughts. im a kid still, i just want my brain to leave me alone and i don't know what to do about it it's gotten to the point where i can't sleep because im so overwhelmed, i guess i just want reassurance? ive heard that reassurance isnt good for ocd, but i honestly just kinda want reassurance that this is normal, that im not alone so is it normal for my ocd to be worsening now that im happier? if so, what do i do about it? i feel lost, im tired, thank you

Does anyone else’s cause them to “obsess” over health, what’s happening with the body, the need to triple and quad check pulse etc? How do I stop! I spend every second of the day over it. It’s a lot, down to legit using the bathroom. I mean, I obsess over it. Have to check so many times etc. everything!

Ugh I was driving home and something happened that reminded me of a intimate detail of my ex and then I started to think about recalling that detail at another time but at the same time my obsession of pocd is about his son (🤮) and it’s been driving me crazy anyways the thought went to that and at the time I’m panicking and I was like no it’s not that and then when I got home I wrote stuff down bc if I don’t I’ll forget and panic and I need to explain stuff anyways as I was explaining stuff this is what I wrote “If I don’t panic over ^ (other note) then it’s like i like it in but if I do panic it’s like you know that’s not u at all like it isn’t thinking thoughts doesn’t make u a bad person (that’s me coping and saying it’s just thought when u let intrusive go on longer to see what) but naa man this is coping it’s not reality bc I’d never ever think that, see again it’s coping no f off i’d never ever think that I can’t even say these thoughts out loud like Uno I explained it wrong but Uno when u let ur thoughts go on idk I did it wrong and now it’s making me panic bc I made an excuse but it’s not it’s to cope like I said bc I was thinking about me and kadz and other ppl saying about thoughts and they’re just thoughts and “it’s normal to think about stuff bc they’re thoughts” “ the end. I don’t know why I thought that tho why did I actually think even having that thought and thinking it is okay if u let ur intrusive thoughts or curiosity carry on as if it’s normal to think that because it most definitely is not but I made an excuse and when I comprehend what the thought was I was disgusted with myself and thought never ever would you ever think that. It’s making me panic a lot what does that mean does it mean i am what I fear I am, why did I make excuses for such a disgusting thought when in reality normal rational me would shudder and never think that. Ugh I can’t deal with this. Side note: putting me notes out there really shows me how messed up pocd is. If that’s what it is and not reality :(

Hey guys. I noticed a lot of people posting are a bit younger (teenagers)which is great for them. I was wondering if there are many people around my age and above? Late 20’s and up? Just curious to see what the community is like. I would deal with OCD a lot as a kid and for a long time it was manageable. As an adult it’s transformed into something else and has been pretty bad lately. Has anyone had OCD that has gotten worse with age?

Has anyone experienced (especially those dealing with SO-OCD) enjoying their thoughts? Like, thinking about sex/kissing with a person of the same sex and actually enjoying it and getting turned on? I actually get very distressed and anxious and feel like crap about myself after that. My take on it is that they’re just fantasies and you don’t have to act on them, and your brain is just so confused that it views it as sexual content so it automatically enjoys it? Idk maybe I’m crazy. Also, for context, I’ve been dealing with this for the past 8 years, on and off. Any advice, stories, anything will help! Hope everyone is doing ok!

This will be long but I really appreciate it if you could provide some feedback. I have been to therapy almost my whole life. I was s******* abused when I was 2 and exposed to it by my mom constantly. When I was 5 I even started to try to have s*x with other kids, semi successful in one case. Growing up I discovered po*n very early like when I was 8. From then on I participated in online fantasies with older adult men. When I was a preteen I I was groomed and r*ped for 2 years by multiple adult men. I of course at the time considered this consensual... when I was 14 I got into a long term relationship with a boy 5 years older than me. He is a mixed bag because while I don't agree with it as an adult now, I probably would have committed suicide if I didn't have the one piece of stability he gave me. And really, the only thing wrong with that relationship was the age gap. I have complex ptsd from consistent abuse. I started to notice these intrusive thoughts because of my niece. I loved her so much I was so excited to be an aunt. I started babysitting a lot which meant exposure. This is where it gets tricky. Everything because of my hypersexuality, makes me think of s*x. I have gotten off to a dead moth before. The only thing that stops me from getting off on anything, even a table leg, is my morals and preferences. So, because of my thoughts and groinal response, I took this as well I must be a p***. These thoughts, responses, scenarios, etc. Cause me to PANIC. I started refusing to watch the kids and when I did I was so triggered I would just cry and hold my niece tight telling myself this wonderful bundle of joy was so safe and that I could never inflict those things I went through on her. Because I don't want anyone to ever feel this. Especially the ones I love. I did talk to my therapist at the time and while she didn't diagnose me with POCD or even an OCD disorder, just anxiety, she told me that most people who go through what I went through go through this as well. She said that it would more than likely never go away and that I need to learn to accept the thoughts and move on. Honestly after receiving that answer, I felt fine. Until 2 years later after I'd done copious amounts of acid and other psychedelics. I had another episode, this one was triggered by my kink for age-play. That guy I was with when I was 12 would enjoy role-playing these scenarios with me and I think it just never went away. I have other kinks. But my strongest ones are linked directly to my trauma. The therapist I saw specialized in actual p***philic disorder. He asked me a million questions, and put me through so many tests. One day he looks at me and goes, "What is your fantasy? What are you so in denial about liking?" And he listed off scenarios, I made a disgusted face and got nauseous and he went, "hold on, these thoughts and urges, they trigger good emotions or bad emotions?" To which I said "It's like torture. I could never do any of this. I don't want to and the thought makes me sick." When I tell you this man laughed in my face and said "P***philes experience arousal and genuine attraction. Do I think you're normal? No. But that's not important. What's important is who you are. It's your morals. Now while I'm not a psychiatrist and can't formally diagnose you, i believe you're experiencing a mixture of PTSD with a little OCD." Every session after that went similar because he worked with real p***'s in prisons and mental health facilities. He couldn't believe someone like me could even make the action so it was a non-issue. At that point it was just about getting me to accept and move past. Now here I am 3 years later, and I am triggered. I feel guilty because of these thoughts as well as my enjoyment of ageplay. I ask myself constantly if I would enjoy if they were actually a kid. But tbh I can't even get off on a petite p*rn star without it making me uncomfortable and having to stop because it's "too real". All my fantasies are in my head and just that, a fantasy. I think of ab*sing my younger self rarely, but for the majority its older men ab*sing me. The visual of a younger me in my mind makes me feel bad. And while I do get a groinal response, being around young girls specifically, I've never gotten wet from it. My actual v*ginal canal actually tightens greatly and my libido for anything, is gone. I'll sometimes go masturbate to p*rn to get rid of the groinal response, but I've learned that it is only a temporary fix as when my thoughts start and my anxiety runs rampant, the groinal response just stays like its apart of my anxiety. When I am good, when I am mentally at my best, I am perfectly okay with my kinks. I understand where they come from and why I like them. In the presence of kids I am able to move right past my thoughts and focus on whats important. But man, when I have an episode... it's like an unescapable torture chamber. A comforting thought I had today was, "I have been around kids, have had open access to requesting cp from p***'s online, have had multiple chances to talk to young girls online, and I never have." Because the thoughts even in the moment. Bring me so much disgust that I can't function. I avoid the situation at all costs and separate myself. I constantly ask my boyfriend and my friend who I have opened up to, about the situation so I calm down. I've been doing constant research about what kind OCD my therapist was talking about. Which led me here. I don't know what's wrong with me... I just want the thoughts and anxiety to stop. I could never hurt anyone and I know that. It's not who I am. So why do I feel this way?

I took a thc edible last week and had a panic attack, ever since then i’ve been depersonalized but also extra self aware of everything, every thought, every sound and i’m sort’ve panicky, sleeping has been difficult and i just don’t understand what i’m dealing with at this moment, I regret eating the edible and just want to go back to my normal self and not be so self aware.

i’ve been dealing with false attraction towards someone for over a month now. however, this past week it feels even realer than it did before. like it feels like i enjoy/want it and i’m starting to get all the symptoms of having a crush. however, i still get anxious. is this what ocd does or did it just stop being intrusive?

Obsessions are back really hard. Not really understanding what's going on or why. My medication was recently upped and I feel worse. I've been keeping busy too. Ah well. I think I need a break.

About two weeks ago I hit heads with another person when dancing (on the back of my head). It wasn't very hard and it didn't hurt for a long time after - I wasn't dizzy or confused. But of course I panicked and went to the bathroom straight away to google any possible outcomes of such a hit. It scared me as you can possibly imagine. I understand that checking google is the worst thing you can do in such moments and I am trying to fight the urge to do it now, but it doesn't always work out. From that point on I constantly check my pupils, my balance, my ability to speak and so on. The worst thing about all of that are the headaches. They mostly do not hurt - I just "feel" my head more then usuall. In other times I have these short (max 2 seconds), stabbing pains in the back and front of my head. I already went trough brain zaps, parts of the brain tingling, pressure on the back, weird "needle" like feelings on the top of my head, cold blood in the head, heat rushes... I recently can't sleep well and all my thoughts seem to come back to this issue. The other person is completely fine and does not have the same "symptoms" as I do. I try to distract myself and it can work well for some time, but I always come back to were I was before. I know that it is unlikely that something bad will happen, but the thought that it might is ruining me - I already had few smaller panic attacs about it, I need to be around others (around my family) because I want to feel safer and I want to be sure that somebody would react if something happened, I cannot enjoy myself, I wake up in the middle of the night stressed, I completely lost the ability to tell what I feel is real or not and I have pretty bad depersonalization episodes. I just do not know how to get back to normal. I also do not feel very stressed with my normal life or least I think I do not, so it is hard to find and eliminate "outside" stressors. The other person as I said before is fine and does not even think about that head bump. I would like to know if someone has or had the same or similar problem to me. I am interested if anyone knows a way to stop overthinking and those - as i think - anxiety headaches.