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So when I'm doing mundane things like working how do I not ruminate? 😭 it feels impossible...

Just wanted to share a little bit about my journey on here. Started having fears that I was developing schizophrenia about a year and a half ago. This lead to complete panic in my life. I couldn’t work,sleep,socialize,etc. My core fears were hearing voices internal or external,visual hallucinations, developing delusions,losing insight, and many more I can’t think of right now. My brain started to mimic all of those things. My anxiety was so bad I was seeing my talk therapist almost 3-4 times a week, asking him if he thinks I have schizophrenia and searching for reassurance. It was hell. I was afraid to bring specific things that were going on in my head because I automatically thought that my psychiatrist would think I have schizophrenia and diagnose me right away. That wasn’t the case. She said this was classic OCD. All that gave me was temporary relief and then the need for certainty came right back. After that i was recommended NOCD and it changed my life. I started doing ERP, reacting to these thoughts and fears differently, learning more about how to not give in to compulsions. After 2 months I felt the best I’ve ever felt in my life. Feeling stable and strong. Changed my life forever. Then we come to today. I’m back into my old ways of thinking and it feels worse. The thoughts feel realer. I’m having panic attacks. Questioning what I believe, worried about voices in my head and questioning if I’m delusional. I even question if this is OCD anymore, everything that’s happening feels different this time and more real. I completely question if I’m currently in psychosis right now. I’m spending my days sitting analyzing,mentally reviewing, and testing every thought. Trying to figure out the thoughts to give me relief. Checking to make sure I’m not delusional and that I’m in control of my thoughts in my head and in control of the inner monologue in my head. Everything feels so real and different then what I did last time. Feels that this is now triggering schizophrenia. Terrified, confused, sad, and hopeless at this point. Now I feel alone and lost. Not sure what to do moving forward. Anyway if you feel that your alone, I want to tell you you’re not. Keep fighting. Resist compulsions. Sit with the fear. Accept uncertainty. Have some self compassion.

I thought that learning to trust myself more when it comes to what makes me anxious would be freeing... and it is, in a lot of cases. I can have a thought/bodily sensation or whatever and move on from it quicker, but that incessant "what if you're wrong and are doing the thing you don'r want to do" sticks around. Even limiting checking is scary because after cleaning my stuff so often, and checking, and worrying and monitoring for such a long time... then doing less of that feels like I am going against my values, when a lot of that stuff was just to calm me down/be able to move on from a "situation" that I couldn't even be sure happened at all! Adopting that "if you don't know don't do it" way of accepting uncertainty is... feels like jumping of a cliff! Now don't get me wrong. I still clean, I still check (when needed, like shoes when coming home) and I wash my hands (maybe a little too much... and still to quiet thoughts sometimes). I am not a scuzzball and I will NEVER go down that road. But. Point is, it's frightening, letting go of those things I did that made me feel like I was "being responsible," "protecting someone," or "doing the right thing". I feel confused! Is that normal on the road to recovery?

Super stressed out…all throughout my life I’ve (F21) developed these huge infatuations with boys. Like, I get OBSESSED. I have anxious attachment and I’m just now realizing that all these “love” feelings that I had were just Limerence, just the fantasy of who I had built these boys up to be in my head. Now…I’ve also struggled with SOOCD with the fear of being a lesbian on and off for almost 10 years. I’m almost 22, it started when I was 12, and I’ve never had a real romantic relationship. All of my “relationships” have been sexual and low commitment— I’ve never slept with the same person more than five times (and even with him, there was no sense of romance or intimacy; all we did was have sex very late at night.) So, I’ve never experience romantic intimacy. Ever. I’m so incredibly worried that my obsessive crushes on boys (that I always used as reassurance) that I was straight are now proof that I’m a lesbian. I don’t think I’ve ever had feelings for someone that weren’t obsessive and crazy. Honestly, I crave the feeling of it— it feels really good at first to be so infatuated with someone new, even if later it turns into something painful. It happens every few years or so and I always get excited when these incredibly strong feelings pop up out of nowhere. I get obsessed with him returning my feelings, but it’s never actually worked out that way. Isn’t this comphet? Have these crushes been my way of coping with not actually being attracted to men? I feel like I have my answer, and I don’t like it. I’ve also read, though, that Limerence and OCD are related. This would make sense as well, but I also don’t believe I have OCD as my only real theme is SOOCD. I’ve been diagnosed several times, but I think that maybe my case is different. I have many, many signs that point to me being a lesbian, and now what I had previously thought was the biggest sign that I wasn’t gay is only more proof that I am.

i have ocd's real events coming back in my mind. i don't know what to do. there are two particular instances, one is very worrying because i don't know what really were my intentions and im afraid that it is the worst, one is something traumatic about something that i saw that wasn't my fault but the fact that i replayed just now the memory in my head makes me feel sick and guilty.

Guys, why do we value life? What keeps you going despite misery? I feel like I should just give up.

I have been to SOOOO many therapist been on SOOOO many meds NOTHING WORKS IM SO SICK OF OCD RUINING EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE

I can’t stop thinking about a time the thoight of cheating crossed my mind at a party and I was like “no it’s against my morals” and then started ruminating about it for hours thinking that maybe I should break up with my partner if I’m attracted to someone else I was cold and didn’t talk to the person the whole time ofc (I don’t really know them I just saw them that one time and they were hitting on me - which I rudely rejected and said I had a bf) I feel terrible. I feel like a cheater. I’ve been told I’m not but why do I still feel like I am? I feel like I betrayed my partner and I feel terrible and disgusting to the point I’ve been cutting myself.

Does anyone interpret communication in a certain way and then become unsure if it means what they interpreted? And then don't even know how to interpret it at all? Like ok, if I put my negative thoughts aside but then I don't know what it normally means. And you do need to understand some meaning from conversations or other social cues to survive. What to do in such a situation?

I feel like I have reached rock bottom. In March of this year, I started having crawler sensation on my legs (you know the feeling of cramps or ants after crossing your legs for a long time? That feeling except I wouldn't have my legs crossed and it seemed like I would get it for no reason) and it would be one leg and then be the other (switch). Then I was having muscle twitches on my feet, legs, hands, just throughout my body, and even my tongue. Muscle contractions, and weakness at times even up to this point. I get shaky, especially in the mornings, and my heart beats so fast when I get up or do any sort of minor exercise or walk. I went to a Neurologist back in May of this year, after having gone to so many specialists from August 2022 - April 2023 (bc I went on a doctor visit spree after I was hospitalized for low platelets last year August). They had determined the low platelets were due to a viral infection that attacked them after doing all sorts of blood work and even an ANA test that checks for autoimmune disorders (which all came back clear). However, before I had a visit with a Blood doctor (the visit was a week after I was released from hospital) to clear me of cancer, I was constantly having panic attacks, every day by the minute it seemed, thinking I might die. Fast forward to now, my neurologist did a physical examination and had me get a brain and cervical MRI (done in late June) which all came back clear and he told me I don't have ALS but I still am feeling this sense of doom. I read on Google that 40 percent of ALS patients do not get diagnosed until 9-12 months into their symptoms or get diagnosed for something else and since I went to a neurologist 2 months into my symptoms, I started to break. I break down my hardest when I think about my daughter who is 2 and the baby I am currently carrying and how I do not want to leave them without a mother. I don't know what I would do if I had ALS, it would definitely be the end of my world and I don't think I could survive a day with it if I knew I had it. Last night, as I lay in bed, there would be moments where it felt like my throat closed and my tongue went into my throat, I was shaking everywhere, even my tongue, my heart was beating faster than I ever felt it, and I was feeling weak and whenever I felt a glimpse of falling asleep I would jolt back up. I cried so uncontrollably and so hard. Throughout yesterday though, I had been checking on my swallowing by purposely doing it, and on a few occasions, I had trouble doing so and freaked out. I have a horrible feeling of swallowing now that it is hard for me to even eat. My husband and everybody else have sworn on everything that I do not have it and even the neurologist told me I don't have it and that it's so rare and he diagnoses it like once every 5 years. Despite that, nothing can convince me. Today, my husband says last night, was a panic attack but I keep thinking it is something greater. It has come to the point where I don't know if it is OCD, ANXIETY, or Reality that it might be another illness that's terminal. How do I cope with this, how do I move forward without having a panic attack every second of the day? I have not felt this lost and this urge to have to say goodbye to the people I love (it feels like I have to). How do I not think about my daughter and cry everytime I think I would leave her behind?

we should just rename ocd at this point and then them have the term. i'm so tired of hearing "im so ocd because im a virgo" or "im so ocd because i can't have wrinkles in my shirt". I can't even tell them that's not what it is because they will start defending the fact that they have it and that is what ocd is.

My girlfriend and I just moved into a new place and for the first few days I was having multiple breakdowns a day because I feel like I don’t deserve our new apartment (or her). This caused an emotional conversation where she cried and expressed that she just wanted to be excited for our new apartment and new life across the country, but she was having trouble balancing that and taking care of me and my poor mental health. I feel so bad. I don’t ever want to make her feel like that. I am awful at resisting confessing and reassurance seeking. I have been trying my best the past few days, and I feel so depressed. Just thoughts of being evil swirling around in my head. Replaying what I’ve done. Thinking about how I’ve ruined my character and tainted our lives. But I am trying my best to keep it to myself and not put it on her. I just don’t know how to live like this. I’m trying my best with my ERP, but it all feels fake because my events were actually horrible. How can this be OCD when any decent person would think I’m a shit human for what I’ve done? How do I stop fearing that I’ve trapped my girlfriend into a relationship with me? I try to do as much as I can for her and to be the best girlfriend I can be NOW, but I feel nothing I do will make up for my completely effed up past. Sorry for venting, it’s just been a really difficult day :(

My therapist, who I am doing ERP with, sometimes uses logic in sessions. She will go on a rabbit hole where she is analyzing my obsessions. It’s like ruminating that I’m witnessing instead of having. Today she pushed topics around meaninglessness and what’s provable in relation to suicide. Two themes I’m Struggling with. Like ‘is it meaningful to be nice to someone who is going to kill themselves’. Its like she is personifying the ocd in my head but then wants me to actually answer Isn’t the point to leave the questions unanswered? And things uncertain?

But I’ve discovered recently, for years like I guess 7 years ago, that I used to be really afraid to touch things like a person without ocd would just existing in the moment, and I tried to fix it back then and my mum tried to help but what I ended up doing which I wasn’t really aware of was, the things that I want to just reach out and touch without a thought naturally, ocd would come in and say to be afraid of that, and so what I ended up doing was instead of touching that thing that back then I would clean or keep clean and dirty things apart, I’d vear off from that touch that I wanted to do naturally, and still interacting with what I wanted to do but didn’t try do it how I wanted to naturally, for years I didn’t realise I haven’t been moving how I want to naturally and it would leave me not stressing about what I’m panicking about of contamination, and now I’m trying to move back towards it and going back into the panic this one feels weird cause ocd really hates this, and kind of impacts my life choosing to go back to it I know that running away from it isn’t good so that’s why I’m choosing to but it feels so much easier living life that way but it’s also sad cause that’s not me living life that way but this one’s so hard to fight and it’s everywhere I touch like what do i do? I know I need to do erp but I also don’t have a stable income/ enough to get an ocd therapist and I don’t want to have this But I also feel like moving back towards it is going to make my life harder than how it is now vearing off it’s not as impactful if I go back to it I might go back into cleaning and washing and reassurance and keeping things seperate and not focusing on my life around me

I just received an OCD diagnosis this morning during my first session with NOCD, and my husband walked in right at the end of my session. I hadn’t told him that I was seeking therapy because a lot of my intrusive thoughts are doubts about our relationship and my sexuality, and I don’t want to upset him by sharing intrusive thoughts that aren’t based in reality. I think deep down, I know that what I’m thinking and feeling isn’t based on desires that I want to act on, but if I were in his shoes, hearing that I had doubts about our marriage (real or not), would be upsetting. Does anyone have advice about speaking to your partner about relationship OCD?

Oh, so I know that Harm Ocd targetted my family (grandma, little siblings) and my pets. I never ever been into violence before, I didn't enjoy watching horror movies or the news were just not interest for me because all they talked about was people getting killed and it ruined my mood. I would say my Harm Ocd often makes me feel like I want to kill (which is scaring me to death), after that I somehow calm myself down but after a few minutes my mind show images of my family and pets being killed by me and it gives me a feeling or though (I am not sure) in which leads me to believe it is satisying and that I want to do it. Everyday is the same and I am bothered I can't enjoy anything. Whenever I see something sharp on the kitchen table or tv shows my mind says "that would look good on someone's neck/chest/back" I am really afraid that I think like a psychopath... Also, I can't remember the love I have for my family and pets and I see them like objects (that's also scary), like it would be so easy to kill them. Please, help again 'cause I am really afraid I won't become what I hate the most.. Is it normal for Harm Ocd?

I never had romantic feelings for same gender, since ocd started feelings for women have diminished quite a lot and some of them have disappeared. I'm struggling a lot with these because now if a romantic song shows and I picture a man with me it feels like I get those romantic feelings I had for women, there are feelings I don't even remember if I had for women because I've been numb for so long that I can't quite remember. What happens next is that after I stop fearing it exposing to it long enough I stop feeling them for men. But why would I even feel them in the first place? And is it possible to feel stuff with men in your thoughts that you never felt before for opposite gender because of ocd?

Why the things other people say doesnt help with my emotions? It actually makes me feel worse, im becoming angrier and ocd just makes the emotions worse, it creates more stories about why i feel that emotion and its impossible to let it be or see what is the problem, why i feel how i feel. This had be a problem now. These times i try to ignore it but then thats a problem too cause ignoring things makes them worse so im afraid of that too...and i feel like it did cause ive feel the same everyday... but sometimes i feel like i have to ignore the feelings cause theres no point to give so much power to that like when i have a thought about something that didnt happened yet, like losing a love one, i get sad but i realize theres no point cause i have to focus on the now, but then i ignore it and it gets worse and worse? Then i try the kind method to be kind to myself and then i feel depressed and i get lost in those thoughts and ocd gets worse, all because i let myself feel depressed about a made up story... Same about daydreaming, it can be a bad thing but sometimes i find positive things about that. But theres the times when i make a story that i dont like and makes me worry or sad and then i cant get the emotion to go away, i try to ignore it but it gets worse...then all i just hear is these emotional regulation things, to understand your emotions and be kind to them and it gets me angry cause i know my emotion is made up. Theres no point to think why i feel this, why it made me feel bad, trust me i did that in the past and i made up so many problems,like i have trauma,im a bad person,and just makes me feel like theres no good on trying to know your emotions... like now too, the more i try to let them be and learn about them the more i feel like theres a problem and anxiety gets worse so i can never show my brain that emotions arent bad cause if i ignore it i show that its bad, and if i deal with it then ocd makes it so bad that my mind will get anxious over them...

i am in DEEP crisis right now. recently my theme is the fear i will come into ill_gal content without knowing and i will go to jail. this has led me to compulsively research on reddit stories of this happening to other people. due to this in the BODY PARAGRAPHS or HEADLINES of reddit threads i click on, the word c_ in VARIOUS FORMS appears (note: no CONTENT, just the word itself) note that none of my SEARCHES contain this word, but i am not sure it even makes a difference ik that reddit and google are different however my accounts are connected and i’m sure they have systems in place to scan for key words such as c* (pls no one write out the actual word in the comments) what is even worse is that one of my collisions is browsing the r / agajnstdegeneratesubs shbreddit, where users report ill*gal subreddits, social media accs, etc. i have NEVER GONE TO ANY OF THESE OBVIOUSLY it’s just a compulsion as it comforts me knowing that sometimes ppl r exposed to this material without intention however i saw a post that triggered me so badly from a police officer where they look for patterns in repeated searching to start investigations on people and now i am EXTREMELY TERRIFIED THAT THIS IS ME as my (not my search history, but the threads i’ve read) look weird when looked out outside of the context of ocd my paranoia is in full force and i’m 1000% sure now i am on a w_tch list and have an active investigation against me 😭😭😭😭😭😭 i have so many ppl and things i love in my life and i don’t want to lost them i don’t know what to do anymore i feel like i have no options left and i’m crying and shaking all day

Hey- so I’ve had a rather rocky relationship with God and I’ve always been back and forth but in the darkest times of my life, I have tried to turn to God for consolation. But long before I discovered NOCD, I had a very disturbing cycle of OCD situations for months on end of waking up in the middle of night and calling my pastor/ youth counselor trying to clarify if I had committed the unforgivable sin. Because I have had such an up-and-down relationship with God and going astray so often and all of that- I worried that because it felt like I was being struck by a demon trying to urge me to say (I didn’t say out loud but like a low, inaudible mumble in my mouth) “saying” that God was the opposite of what He is… ever since then I’ve struggled with that moment so much and in that moment, it didn’t feel like I 100% cared about doing it. Because I had been constantly plagued with these obsessive thoughts for so long and didn’t understand what they were, I gave in cause I was exhausted from battling it for so long but it didn’t come out like how it’s described in the Bible…. Idk. I just hate myself thinking about it because I have always been one to skid along boundaries so I feel like it was mocking God because I was angry and it just fills me with fear, upset and panic… I remember feeling so terrified and the physical sensation like my chest was burning and I just felt like I was empty… has anyone else ever gone so far in their OCD that they wondered if they could ever come back?