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I'm in a crisis, I need to talk.

I’ve never posted on here, but I figured I’d give it a shot. Selfishly, I want to share my experience and see if anyone can relate or has advice. But I figure if someone sees this and it helps them not feel alone, that’s even better. Please forgive me, this may be a bit of a novel. I was formally diagnosed with OCD a year ago but looking back, I’ve struggled with it since high school, different themes over the years. Forever, I thought it was just anxiety and I saw a few different therapists for years. They helped but never got to the root. Over time, depression crept in. I don’t know if it was a comorbidity or cause by the OCD, but it sure didn’t help. I strong armed my way through it until last year. I was walking through a park next to my apartment when the thought of hanging myself from a tree popped into my head and I freaked out. I started researching people who have died by suicide and comparing myself to them. I constantly checked with myself to see if I wanted to or asked people close to me if they could see me doing it. Since then Suicide has been the theme I have struggled with. Some periods are better than others and ERP has helped at times, but recently I have found myself severely struggling. The depression certainly doesn’t help. I don’t want to die and I hold onto that but I see and worry about it everywhere. The thoughts “well that would lead you to commit suicide” or “that’s what someone who would commit suicide would do” constantly pop up. If I travel and stay in a hotel: “people kill themselves in hotel rooms.” I struggle with depression : “depressed people kill themselves”. I feel better : “people with depression will feel ok but they eventually give in” If I take try and have one drink : “drinking will make you depressed and make it easier for you to kill yourself” Shoot, I had a hard time writing this because “this is like a suicide note.” The fear, the worry, the sadness…I feel hopeless. The cliches don’t seem to work. I don’t want to die, but I’m in no happy right now. I’m scared of life and the “what if it doesn’t get better”. I don’t want to be like this for 30/40 more years. I feel like I’m crazy.

This is my second post today but I don’t care. People with OCD have trouble when it comes to inner knowing or “trusting your gut”. I have this problem that’s extremely frustrating and depressing. I often get emotional when it comes to stuff like this. Does OCD usually attack your inner knowing? Help….

Hi everyone This is my first post here. I am a 28yo female from the UK and I have suicide OCD which I have been suffering with since the age of 8 years old roughly. Its mad because when I'm not experiencing a flare up and I'm thinking about my OCD it seems so bizarre that I would ever be scared of doing something like that to myself but then when I get an intrusive thought it's as if rationality goes out the window and my body instantly reacts with adrenaline and I'm so scared I will act on it in a moment of madness. I understand the science behind it but it doesn't make it any less distressing. I am trying for the 3rd time to go off my SSRIs. The first 2 times were unsuccessful and one thing I'm noticing is that my adrenaline spikes are worse not on the meds. I have been on them for 7 years now and wish to stop them for a variety of reasons - weight gain, numb feeling, lack of motivation, insomnia, lack of sex drive, lack of creativity, wanting to be pregnant one day etc I tried ERP but the sessions were too expensive and I didn't really like the therapist. He told me that I wasn't extreme enough for him to help me and that it was really weird for someone with OCD to get panic attacks due to intrusive thoughts. It left a bad taste in my mouth but I have been employing some of the things that he suggested. I don't know if socialising on here will be helpful for me, or if it will be triggering but I'm willing to try anything to help

Zoloft is actually helping!!! My thoughts are still here but the distress is less intense! I feel a little bit of peace! I was on fluoxetine for so long and I felt absolutely nothing, it’s crazy to try Zoloft and have it actually create a little bit of relief! Feel a bit more hopeful :). It’s not perfect but I feel like I’ve gone from being stressed 90 percent of the time to being stressed like 75 percent of the time which might not sound like a lot but I feel like it might actually be helping :)

I’m feeling really distressed at the moment, I’m very confused and my thoughts are all over the place so I’m going to try and write out my concerns on here. Any advice would help me. A few years ago ( I’m not sure when actually at all ) I was in a bar there was a band on and I was watching the band briefly as I walked back to my friend. As I was stood there I women came over and smiled, I smiled back and she motioned to dance with me, she turned around and sort of backed into me. I sought of went along with it thinking that was harmless then she put hand behind her and brushed over my groinal area - this was intentional on her part. When she did it I had a groinal response and sought of felt aroused but at the same time surprised at what happened. Her friends saw what was happened and quickly got her and moved her away. The whole thing from her dancing to her moving her hands was over in seconds. I remember at the time feeling really guilty at the time and really uncomfortable about what had happened. Now I’m feeling so ashamed about what happened. I’m married and feel so bad - I didn’t want her to do what she did and didn’t ask her. But why didn’t I react quicker and why did I feel arousal. I’m really ashamed but confused at the same time, it’s not something I wanted her to do but why didn’t I react strongly at the time

I just got an ad directed at pedophiles, offering help. I skipped it first, in fear of triggering myself, but then clicked on it as an exposure.. The website said things like “do you have sexual thoughts about children that you don’t want?” “If you have many thoughts about specific children, it’s a sign you might end up assaulting them” and “if you’re having these thoughts, they can be really distressing.” ALL of this applies to OCD!! I’m trying to not ask for reassurance, and sit with the discomfort, but this is very confusing to me.. My therapist said real pedophiles are not distressed by their thoughts, but this seems to say the opposite… This program was based on “Stand Strong, Walk Tall: Prehabilitation for a better future” from New Zealand by the way, if anyone knows anything about that.. I’m so confused. Does this mean there is no difference between POCD and real pedophilia? What??

I realized the bored feeling when im on recovery is the feeling of emptiness when i decide to live my life without focusing on my emotions. I lived my life with my emotions and its scary to live a life without giving them the lead cause there are so many things that I do because of how it makes me feel. Even my value system is based on what makes me feel good, and i think im not alone with this. You cannot value something that you dont like... So its boring to me and scary to live life without giving power to emotions, i feel like im a nice person with others only cause of my emotions, cause when i connect with people i feel sympathy, thats when i can help people, or when i have bad days and i could be harsh with others, my emotions tell me that i should be nice... and theres fear to, that if im harsh with people then they will think im a harsh negative person and i dont want to be that in this world... so if this is ocd then i should not care about people? I should let myself be harsh when i feel bad cause thats normal? Idk about that... I feel like i start to be afraid of emotions cause it plays a big role on my values

I've made many many posts about this before, l'm just here to share some more symptoms of this HORRIFIC episode I'm going through. For starters I'm diagnosed GAD, panic disorder, cd and adhd. This rabbit hole started when I randomly started to become easily overstimulated by my phone (screens in general)and any type of activity that required a lot of thinking and brain function like reading. From then on I started having major problems thinking and forming thoughts, like there was literally some mental block in my brain preventing me from being able to think. I started to google my symptoms and of course google is going to suggest THE WORST possible thing it could be and I read where the prodromal stage of schizophrenia causes concentration problems and sensory issues and overall cognitive decline. It has been WAY DOWNHILL from there, I started developing new symptoms almost everyday. My brain feels FRIED, my head feels heavy, I'm slow with my responses, some days I cannot think or function at all, I feel EXTREMELY depersonalized and disassociated. I'm having some severe memory problems, and I'm having this strange phenomenon where every stranger I see in public looks familiar or I feel like they look like someone I know, I also get moments everyday where I almost get like deja vu type feelings or maybe even false memory feelings for a moment. Another awful symptom I'm having is sometimes I feel like I have no control over my inner monologue anymore it's those same types of thoughts you would get just before you fall asleep or just as you wake up, my inner monologue just pops random phrases, words, and especially songs into my mind and it feels completely out of my control. My thinking doesn't feel the same. I'm more than OBSESSING over this potentially being the start of a psychotic disorder, it scares the living shit out of me, I can't even leave my house anymore, some days I feel so overwhelmed and just feel like im straight up afraid of everything around me. Im still very very easily overstimulated. Im over analyzing every single thing around me, I cannot enjoy music, tv/YouTube, im constantly on the look out for my "first hallucinations/psychotic break" im so terrified of becoming delusional, im constantly testing if I believe crazy things, l've had a couple instances where I couldn't remember if something was a dream or actually happened (trivial things like, if I said something to a coworker) or (if I had a dream about a commercial or it was a real commercial). Even when I very rarely have moments where I try and lay down and watch YouTube to get my mind off things, I can't enjoy it, it feels like I've forgotten how to think normally, I'm over analyzing trivial details in the video, I start to get scared that I'II believe the tv is talking to me. I just don't feel like me at all anymore. Im truly in HELL. One last symptom id like to add: I’m not sure if this is just the hyper vigilance, but when I’m alone in the house I feel like someone is behind me (I know there isn’t) but it’s like that 6th sense feeling you get when someone’s presence is near you, this symptom has only furthered my extreme fear of psychosis.

So when I'm doing mundane things like working how do I not ruminate? 😭 it feels impossible...

Just wanted to share a little bit about my journey on here. Started having fears that I was developing schizophrenia about a year and a half ago. This lead to complete panic in my life. I couldn’t work,sleep,socialize,etc. My core fears were hearing voices internal or external,visual hallucinations, developing delusions,losing insight, and many more I can’t think of right now. My brain started to mimic all of those things. My anxiety was so bad I was seeing my talk therapist almost 3-4 times a week, asking him if he thinks I have schizophrenia and searching for reassurance. It was hell. I was afraid to bring specific things that were going on in my head because I automatically thought that my psychiatrist would think I have schizophrenia and diagnose me right away. That wasn’t the case. She said this was classic OCD. All that gave me was temporary relief and then the need for certainty came right back. After that i was recommended NOCD and it changed my life. I started doing ERP, reacting to these thoughts and fears differently, learning more about how to not give in to compulsions. After 2 months I felt the best I’ve ever felt in my life. Feeling stable and strong. Changed my life forever. Then we come to today. I’m back into my old ways of thinking and it feels worse. The thoughts feel realer. I’m having panic attacks. Questioning what I believe, worried about voices in my head and questioning if I’m delusional. I even question if this is OCD anymore, everything that’s happening feels different this time and more real. I completely question if I’m currently in psychosis right now. I’m spending my days sitting analyzing,mentally reviewing, and testing every thought. Trying to figure out the thoughts to give me relief. Checking to make sure I’m not delusional and that I’m in control of my thoughts in my head and in control of the inner monologue in my head. Everything feels so real and different then what I did last time. Feels that this is now triggering schizophrenia. Terrified, confused, sad, and hopeless at this point. Now I feel alone and lost. Not sure what to do moving forward. Anyway if you feel that your alone, I want to tell you you’re not. Keep fighting. Resist compulsions. Sit with the fear. Accept uncertainty. Have some self compassion.

I thought that learning to trust myself more when it comes to what makes me anxious would be freeing... and it is, in a lot of cases. I can have a thought/bodily sensation or whatever and move on from it quicker, but that incessant "what if you're wrong and are doing the thing you don'r want to do" sticks around. Even limiting checking is scary because after cleaning my stuff so often, and checking, and worrying and monitoring for such a long time... then doing less of that feels like I am going against my values, when a lot of that stuff was just to calm me down/be able to move on from a "situation" that I couldn't even be sure happened at all! Adopting that "if you don't know don't do it" way of accepting uncertainty is... feels like jumping of a cliff! Now don't get me wrong. I still clean, I still check (when needed, like shoes when coming home) and I wash my hands (maybe a little too much... and still to quiet thoughts sometimes). I am not a scuzzball and I will NEVER go down that road. But. Point is, it's frightening, letting go of those things I did that made me feel like I was "being responsible," "protecting someone," or "doing the right thing". I feel confused! Is that normal on the road to recovery?

Super stressed out…all throughout my life I’ve (F21) developed these huge infatuations with boys. Like, I get OBSESSED. I have anxious attachment and I’m just now realizing that all these “love” feelings that I had were just Limerence, just the fantasy of who I had built these boys up to be in my head. Now…I’ve also struggled with SOOCD with the fear of being a lesbian on and off for almost 10 years. I’m almost 22, it started when I was 12, and I’ve never had a real romantic relationship. All of my “relationships” have been sexual and low commitment— I’ve never slept with the same person more than five times (and even with him, there was no sense of romance or intimacy; all we did was have sex very late at night.) So, I’ve never experience romantic intimacy. Ever. I’m so incredibly worried that my obsessive crushes on boys (that I always used as reassurance) that I was straight are now proof that I’m a lesbian. I don’t think I’ve ever had feelings for someone that weren’t obsessive and crazy. Honestly, I crave the feeling of it— it feels really good at first to be so infatuated with someone new, even if later it turns into something painful. It happens every few years or so and I always get excited when these incredibly strong feelings pop up out of nowhere. I get obsessed with him returning my feelings, but it’s never actually worked out that way. Isn’t this comphet? Have these crushes been my way of coping with not actually being attracted to men? I feel like I have my answer, and I don’t like it. I’ve also read, though, that Limerence and OCD are related. This would make sense as well, but I also don’t believe I have OCD as my only real theme is SOOCD. I’ve been diagnosed several times, but I think that maybe my case is different. I have many, many signs that point to me being a lesbian, and now what I had previously thought was the biggest sign that I wasn’t gay is only more proof that I am.

i have ocd's real events coming back in my mind. i don't know what to do. there are two particular instances, one is very worrying because i don't know what really were my intentions and im afraid that it is the worst, one is something traumatic about something that i saw that wasn't my fault but the fact that i replayed just now the memory in my head makes me feel sick and guilty.

Guys, why do we value life? What keeps you going despite misery? I feel like I should just give up.

I have been to SOOOO many therapist been on SOOOO many meds NOTHING WORKS IM SO SICK OF OCD RUINING EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE

I can’t stop thinking about a time the thoight of cheating crossed my mind at a party and I was like “no it’s against my morals” and then started ruminating about it for hours thinking that maybe I should break up with my partner if I’m attracted to someone else I was cold and didn’t talk to the person the whole time ofc (I don’t really know them I just saw them that one time and they were hitting on me - which I rudely rejected and said I had a bf) I feel terrible. I feel like a cheater. I’ve been told I’m not but why do I still feel like I am? I feel like I betrayed my partner and I feel terrible and disgusting to the point I’ve been cutting myself.

Does anyone interpret communication in a certain way and then become unsure if it means what they interpreted? And then don't even know how to interpret it at all? Like ok, if I put my negative thoughts aside but then I don't know what it normally means. And you do need to understand some meaning from conversations or other social cues to survive. What to do in such a situation?

I feel like I have reached rock bottom. In March of this year, I started having crawler sensation on my legs (you know the feeling of cramps or ants after crossing your legs for a long time? That feeling except I wouldn't have my legs crossed and it seemed like I would get it for no reason) and it would be one leg and then be the other (switch). Then I was having muscle twitches on my feet, legs, hands, just throughout my body, and even my tongue. Muscle contractions, and weakness at times even up to this point. I get shaky, especially in the mornings, and my heart beats so fast when I get up or do any sort of minor exercise or walk. I went to a Neurologist back in May of this year, after having gone to so many specialists from August 2022 - April 2023 (bc I went on a doctor visit spree after I was hospitalized for low platelets last year August). They had determined the low platelets were due to a viral infection that attacked them after doing all sorts of blood work and even an ANA test that checks for autoimmune disorders (which all came back clear). However, before I had a visit with a Blood doctor (the visit was a week after I was released from hospital) to clear me of cancer, I was constantly having panic attacks, every day by the minute it seemed, thinking I might die. Fast forward to now, my neurologist did a physical examination and had me get a brain and cervical MRI (done in late June) which all came back clear and he told me I don't have ALS but I still am feeling this sense of doom. I read on Google that 40 percent of ALS patients do not get diagnosed until 9-12 months into their symptoms or get diagnosed for something else and since I went to a neurologist 2 months into my symptoms, I started to break. I break down my hardest when I think about my daughter who is 2 and the baby I am currently carrying and how I do not want to leave them without a mother. I don't know what I would do if I had ALS, it would definitely be the end of my world and I don't think I could survive a day with it if I knew I had it. Last night, as I lay in bed, there would be moments where it felt like my throat closed and my tongue went into my throat, I was shaking everywhere, even my tongue, my heart was beating faster than I ever felt it, and I was feeling weak and whenever I felt a glimpse of falling asleep I would jolt back up. I cried so uncontrollably and so hard. Throughout yesterday though, I had been checking on my swallowing by purposely doing it, and on a few occasions, I had trouble doing so and freaked out. I have a horrible feeling of swallowing now that it is hard for me to even eat. My husband and everybody else have sworn on everything that I do not have it and even the neurologist told me I don't have it and that it's so rare and he diagnoses it like once every 5 years. Despite that, nothing can convince me. Today, my husband says last night, was a panic attack but I keep thinking it is something greater. It has come to the point where I don't know if it is OCD, ANXIETY, or Reality that it might be another illness that's terminal. How do I cope with this, how do I move forward without having a panic attack every second of the day? I have not felt this lost and this urge to have to say goodbye to the people I love (it feels like I have to). How do I not think about my daughter and cry everytime I think I would leave her behind?

we should just rename ocd at this point and then them have the term. i'm so tired of hearing "im so ocd because im a virgo" or "im so ocd because i can't have wrinkles in my shirt". I can't even tell them that's not what it is because they will start defending the fact that they have it and that is what ocd is.