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the NOCD Community

I know I need to face these emotions to gain understanding and resilience to them. But what happens when the emotions are just way too great that you almost find it impossible?

Ocd is making me to think that the morals and values of me have changed since it’s trying so hard to make me totally change the way I perceive myself even tho I know I love myself and every aspect that makes up who I am wholly . It’s cause me to have intrusive feelings I know aren’t real like ; lacking remorse for myself and lacking sympathy and putting myself into the perspective if I were someone else or if I had been born differently and how it would be so kick differently vs than what I am now. Omg my anxiety has flared up due to this when literally all night all I could be thinking about how literally my brain has been addicted to obsessing no matter what. I don’t wanna feel like I’m dissociating from my normal self or fading away from who I really am. My head is physically hurting from obsessing so much , in and out of episodes continuously throughout the day ruminating so much and eventually jus getting sucked back in after noticing how im slightly recovering from an episode . I try my best to acknowledge and accept that at the end of the day, really these are all jus irrational thoughts and they’re not a reflection of who I am nor will they change me at all. I recently got a new job after not working for so long and im worried my ocd will interfere with it and cause me to not wanna go in due to drainage and /or anxiety interruption I’ll feel tomorrow. I was literally getting ready to go to bed 🛌thought free and of course :( it had to think of something to pre-save for tomorrow to ruminate about 😔😞oh lord plz if you’re seeing this make it stop. Lord knows I’m not religious but this has gotten way too far I’m tired and desperate. I think ima check myself into the psych ward. I hate I can’t afford treatment and the fact that not many places can even accept my insurance, let alone provide ocd treatment therapy. I got off the phone with a place earlier today asking if they took my insurance and they said yea but they only provide talk therapy for ocd and I know it was a major red flag so I kindly declined it.

So I went to my old school and it didn't sucked because I get to go to a field trip. My old friend was there so it wasn't that bad. But I was like so focused on not messing up. To leaving my house alll the way to my school I had thoughts of "being back with my ex" or something like that like wtf? I said multiple times (trying not to panick because I was in public. Usually when I'm alone in my room I scream saying "NO I HAVE BETTER BOYFRIEND" trying to be as detailed as possible so this little shit can understand) I was getting the hang with it reminding these thoughts that I don't want my ex and I want my boyfriend. I was getting anxious and having thoughts and these feelings. Like I felt like those ex thoughts were right or I felt like I wanted them and I started to feel guilty. I knew that I would never leave my boyfriend with my ex! I had these messed up thoughts and it ruined me. It felt like I was going to cheat on my boyfriend. I don't understand. Those thoughts were so confusing and so awful. I tried to think of my boyfriend and remind myself again and again that I'm committed to my boyfriend NOT my ex. I had thoughts of ditching my boyfriend or cheat on him with my ex and it felt real and I was scared and I felt so guilty and sad. I had to figure out and try correcting myself for the ENTIRE trip. I got a hold on them for a awhile but I just felt bad. Did I do something bad? These thoughts felt genuine and real and the feelings felt so I can't describe it. Probably like a urge like the type of feeling of trying not to scratch that mosquito bite idk that probably sound worse. I feel like a bad girlfriend and awful I wish I felt that type of awful way before. It feels like I don't deserve my boyfriend. I told myself many many times that I have a boyfriend and I did NOT want to go to my ex. But ig I didn't do hard enough. There were many what ifs and many not what if. I promised my boyfriend I would never leave him. I would never do that to my boyfriend!! I hate that I don't feel genuine like wth!! This is my boyfriend I do love him dearly.

Everyday I complete my morning ritual by making my bed. I’ll spend 10-15 minutes making sure it looks perfect and then stand by my door, ready to leave, and stare at it. If I see a ruffle in the sheets or my stuffed animals aren’t in the correct spot I’ll keep moving everything until I’m satisfied. I came home from school today and went in my room to find that my mom had stripped a blanket off my bed. I started freaking out and frantically put the bed back together, making it perfect of course, in tears because it was so distressing. My mom comes home later and as this has been an issue before, I expressed that I really don’t like when she comes into my room while I’m not there. I’m not hiding anything. I just hate the way she’ll mess up my carpet by stepping on it a certain way or wash my sheets and blankets when I take the time everyday to make my bed. Obviously I’m very grateful for a mom who is kind enough and willing to wash the things on my bed but it really takes a toll on me and I wish I wasn’t like this. I’m honestly not looking for advice. I don’t plan on trying to change my habits because frankly I do like to make my bed, even though it’s become a bit obsessive. I’m just looking for support, people who can relate, and a place to share my experiences living with OCD.

Anyone with severe ocd? I don’t know how much longer I can go on.

I don't even know how to put this into words, but lately I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety around my existence. How can I know that I'm "real" like how can I know that what I am experiencing is actually me living. The worst part about it is that no answer that I come up with is helpful because it COULD all be "fake". That terrifies me to no end because what does that mean about me and my life. I don't beleive it but it feels so real sometimes. Like almost a false intuition? It's all making me feel so empty and pointless and I really don't like that. I'm usually very optimistic and upbeat. But I don't even know who I am anymore sometimes.

Has anyone ever had any experiences when they were a young child with like being curious as a child and are now worrying that you were a perpetrator of COSCA, I can’t remember anything and I’m terrified I hurt someone,today has been an awful day

Just Right OCD is when we feel we must do something until it feels “just right”. Oftentimes there is no suspected negative outcome if we don’t, it just feels ~wrong~. As a kid this looked like avoiding stepping on the cracks in the sidewalk unless I did it just right. I heard the superstitious rhyme “step on a crack, you break your mothers back” and had ruled it out as fake- but the lingering warning feeling remained. I didn’t know what would happen if I stepped on one- just that it felt bad. Have you experienced Just Right OCD?

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I visited her over the summer and I had the best time but before I went back I started feeling numb and dissociated. Like I had no feelings, I am back at school and I feel the same way worse even. I feel nothing, I have thoughts like I don’t love her anymore and I feel urges to break up. I have been fantasizing about someone and anytime I see that person my brain is telling me to check if she is pretty, staring at her. I also feel attracted to most girls, I have thoughts that I should experience college life even though deep down I know I don’t want to. It is so difficult because I feel nothing to what my girlfriend says, all I could say is that I am sorry. Even when I say that I struggle to, my mind makes me think I don’t want to be be back to normal and it feels so real it is scary. The same thing happened last year too. I got to school and I started fantasizing about being with someone else, I followed that person and once I knew she didn’t have any interest I was back to sort of normalcy. I don’t know what to do. It is overwhelming. Anyone else feeling like this or have experienced this?

I seriously am stuck within my head, I need advice I got blurred memories from a walk home drunk and don’t know if I r*ped someone, I’m so scared but nothings came of it. But that’s all that’s on my mind I’m seriously struggling. What shall I do please?

Nothing happened between me and him but im so scared. I'm afraid of falling out between us now that school has started. I used to be sympathetic every time his mood changed, but this time OCD was over-triggered. Since yesterday I have been very afraid of losing my partner for no reason. I love him to the bits. He is the dearest for me. Im really so scared. I don't want to lose him. Yesterday I was so scared about this topic that I had a nightmare in which I broke up with him. That triggered me even more. I love him so much and don't want to lose him. I always chose to love, stay loyal to him no matter what. If there are problems between us, I want to solve them and I want to be with him for the rest of my life. Also i am at school right now and everyone triggers me. Im shaking. Im scared of breaking up and cheating on him right now and im trying my best to not to cry.

Hi there 🤗 Can anyone help me with ERP exposures to do to help with this situation. I get obsessive weeks or months in my life were I need to find the perfect dress for an event (as an example). I then scroll for months in eBay etc and makes me feel ill I do it so much. I will be worried about money and I should keep and save, but I keep buying dresses or other bits of clothes when I see them online or when I'm out. I bring them home and sometimes I'm super happy. But as the situation goes on longer I'm not as happy seeing them all hanging up, and I'm thinking are they nice? Do I return it? Do I need more or less or to sell them? Or just a feeling of sort of dread. Thanks for any help 💗

Hello everyone. I am a non traditional student reaching the end of my bachelors degree. I am in an extremely demanding and difficult major that has caused me a lot of stress, trauma, and effected my self worth. Due to me being close to more than 8 years older than most of the students in my cohort, I have literally not made 1 friend during my 4 years of undergrad. Not even grabbed a quick coffee with 1 person my entire college career. Most people my age either hold masters degrees or have already established careers. But Ive also always had classes with and have worked directly alongside grad students similar to my age, even at my job. I’ve tried being very kind to people, paying attention to details they share, asking thoughtful questions, and many other tactics to try to build even 1 good connection with someone. But since returning to classes this fall, I have stopped going out of my way to engage with people. What few acquaintances I had, don’t even acknowledge me or even say hi to me now. My therapist’s says I should join clubs or organizations, except I simply don’t have time due to how time consuming and demanding my major is, especially since I’m in my final semester. It’s just been an extremely difficult 4 years and I never would’ve imagined what a toll this program would take on my mental and physical well being. I never thought I would walk away from college not having made even 1 friend. It makes me question everything about myself like am I actually awful to be around and I just don’t know it? I’ve never experienced isolation like this before so it makes going to university everyday extremely hard, especially because I pretty much regret picking my major. Has anyone ever experienced anything similar to this before? Is it simply my age? It makes me worried about getting a job and experiencing this cycle all over again. I’ve heard making friends as an adult is hard but I had no idea it would be this difficult. I’m just tired of feeling so lonely and not even having one person to struggle through this program with.

Me and my bf had a falling out bc he held in his emotions and wanted to break up with me in august. ( also we are in a long distance relationship) We talked thru it and man I was so hurt I couldn’t stop crying I couldn’t breathe. I forgave him and 2 weeks ago he came over my house and I found messages between his old girl best friend and he’d send her hearts so I was super pissed and he explained it bc they used to do that etc but man have some respect for me tf. I was super upset so I told him I want a break bc you need to better yourself and he agreed and was super sad. He blocked her on everything It’s just been a very hectic two weeks and I can tell that I care for him more than he does for me. Just he never put me first and I always have. Even a week ago I was upset with him but I comforted and reassured him about his parents bc they have been arguing. And he told me he feel like since his parents are arguing they won’t do anything for his bday. So even though I was upset I pushed my feelings aside and helped him plan a San Diego trip! Well it was going good and he even told his parents but yesterday his little brother didn’t wanna do that ( their bdays are a day apart) and instead he wanted to go to Reno and well I can’t go bc I’m not allowed to fly somewhere I’ve never been. Well he didn’t seem too bummed he was just like “ oh okay”. So I was hurt bc I’m like do you even want me there? And what hurt me more is I helped him and I planned all this stuff and comforted him and now he’s like actually I wanna go to Reno! So yes I was upset bc he didn’t even care that I couldn’t go! I told him yesterday and he told me “ well it’s my bday and ur making me feel bad if I don’t go to San Diego”. But I’m not even mad bc if that it’s just I wanted to see him I missed him and he claims he “misses me” yet even though I haven’t seen him for two weeks he just doesn’t care that I can’t go. He even wanted to go to Reno and I feel selfish for even thinking like damn he’s choosing Reno over me but I just can’t help feel that way. He got very frustrated yesterday and was like “well if I don’t go to San Diego ur just gonna be mad”. I told him that’s not the point the point is I care about you more obviously and he says he cares about me but I don’t feel it and he hasn’t shown it. Also a week ago he told me how we should see each other once a month bc he wants to hangout with his “friends”. Now he gets every other weekend off of work and I was sad about that hit only bc his friends treat him like garbage. He lets them walk all over him and they always cancel plans so I’m like ur choosing ur back stabbing friends who talk shit about you over me? Well I was right bc he hung out with a few of them yesterday and his so called good friend ditched him to hangout with someone else. He will be moving down here and we’ll he says he wants to see me every other weekend and well I felt sad bc I was excited about him moving i thought we were gonna hangout all the time bc he made it seem like that! But he wants one weekend to himself so he can play video games with his friends. I told him yk maybe I just care too much maybe I just need to learn to not care about you so much. He agreed…. I just feel numb and I can’t do this

How do you accept uncertainty when the "consequences" could be so severe for yourself or people you care about? If I'm convinced that my actions or inactions could lead to me or someone I care about getting hurt or dying, doesn't that mean that accepting uncertainty requires not caring about my own well-being or theirs? How is that different from being suicidal? How do you value your own existence and care about your own life if you have to accept the possibility that intrusive thoughts saying you're going to die are true? I'm really trying to understand this aspect of dealing with OCD. I'm not in therapy yet but I'm trying to get a therapist but in the meantime I'm just trying to understand this stuff better. For example, some years ago on a camping trip I became nearly convinced that my family was going to take me out in the woods and kill me, either because they found out about something bad I did as a kid, or they just thought I was a disappointment and wanted to get rid of me. What's the "correct" way to deal with that kind of intrusive thought? Avoiding the trip would be avoidance, asking people directly if they wanted to kill me would be reassurance seeking, and just accepting that it might happen seems like an unhealthy lack of desire for self preservation. I've been reading a lot about ERP and OCD recovery and it all makes a lot of sense and I can see why it works, but this is a specific hangup that I can't wrap my head around. How can you care about important things if not caring is required to beat OCD? How can you know when something is actually a serious threat worth caring about if seeking that understanding just feels like chasing certainty?

A year ago I had a panic attack that started my OCD therapy journey and so far I’ve been doing great! I am coming up on that year mark and am starting to get intrusive thoughts about “what if I have a panic attack again because it’s that time of year” I know this isn’t true, I want to know if anyone has gone through this and has advice?

as someone who has not gotten a diagnosis, i’m wondering how everyone else went about their evaluations? what were the signs that made you question if you had ocd and how did you manage to get the courage to get diagnosed?? i always wonder what’s wrong with me and feel like whenever i try to put a label on it, i’m a bad person for even trying to think i have something and that maybe this is all just a normal experience.

Can OCD thoughts be literally about anything? What about intrusive urges like of wanting to act on said intrusive thought and you can feel that urge in your hand and it's terrifying, I'd also like to know if anyone suffers from intrusive thoughts about things online like online intrusive urges

Does anyone struggle with real event ocd and having to confess to their partner? I have so many regrets on things I’ve either done or thought and feel like I can’t move on or be better until I’ve been forgiven for them. Mostly things that happened a couple years ago and I don’t know why it’s all of a sudden bothering me now but it makes me feel like I’m the worst person ever. I’m even questioning how I thought or felt during that time and I’m confessing to thoughts or things I may or may not have done or thought. It’s so confusing and I feel trapped in my own head. If anyone has any tips I would appreciate it. Thank you for you time