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i hate myself so much and i wish i was different. i know why people don't like me. i wish i could just change everything about myself. i should just leave everyone alone.

PLEASE HELP Since this one night I’ve genuinely felt awful, wake up everyday not wanting to be here unless I find out what happened that night, I feel so guilty of doing it. Basically I walked home drunk and scared of what I’ve done to a female in a male myself, I was intoxicated and am so scared that I flipped out. Because I was a university student at the time I was drinking a lot previously to this and made a few ‘mistakes’ with females prior to this night but having spoken to my housemate a few days before the night about these ‘mistakes’ that made me feel awful, he reassured me and said that it was not as bad as I felt or thought and was part of growing up kinda. I felt awful and then this night happened ever since I’m scared of what I’ve done and because I was intoxicated I don’t know what’s true or not, if I was to be under oath I wouldn’t know what to say. Please help or direct me what to do next I’m so scared.

Hi! I have really bad health ocd. I had joint pains for 2 years I looked up on google and it says its lupus. I got my ANA test done it came out negative but my mind tells me that the lab results are false. I got another symptom of that disease also I am terrified. The doctors did blood test and WBC and pcr were a bit higher. I don't know what to do . I know diagnosing oneself from google is a ridicilous thing but I have read stories where people have diagnose themselves correctly. Does anyone think that my thoughts are correct.

Anyone find that their medication is making you worse or keeping you sick?. I've been on SSRI's for almost 5 years now since my first mental breakdown. I haven't ever shown improvement in 5 years, just gotten worse and i feel more stressed each morning after taking my SSRI. I'm also taking an anti-psychotic. I'm sick and tired of the doctors going take this or take that, or stop taking that one and take this one instead. I feel like a human lab rat sometimes, I've developed stomach gastritis as a result of taking all this medication long term. I'm not saying that medication doesn't help people because some people it does, but it's never done anything for me and i feel like it's stopping my bodies natural healing processes.

I have been ruminating on a thought about weather i cheated on a night out when i was drunk, i woke up on the morning and i had a thought/image of me kissing somebody in the club after thinking of what might i have done while drunk, this person in the thought has no face and no body just a little movie of me going into kiss someone, and doing such a thing while my girlfriend and her friends were in the club and its just so out of character for me as i obsess about cheating OCD all the time and worry if i ever do something immoral to our relationship all the time and i love my girlfriend very much. Ive just got to the point where i dont know how i could think up a false memory so quickly after the event and i dont know why i had the thought without even thinking about it really, which makes me think of it as more of a memory than a thought that i am believing to be true as how can OCD make me think of something so quickly and randomly? Im very close to letting this take control of me as im loosing more and more faith in myself as the days go on, please anyone that has gone through anything like this or have a similar experience could u let me know of your experiences because i feel like the only one

I finally got a virtual appointment with a psychiatrist and spent an hour on an appointment for her to tell me that she won’t give me meds to try which would be my first time trying meds to help with my OCD. It was a big step for me and she told me I would need to drive into a doctors office everyday to get meds. I also have a gut disease and Cant do that plus it’s just kind of nuts to expect someone to not have a job life or be able to put there life on hold like that. And my OCD is so bad it’s like all I am doing is compulsions. I feel so depressed. I sleep slot or not much there is no happy medium. I wish I Dont wake up every time I do and trying to fall asleep is a nightmare. Full of compulsions and just one more thing I need to do before I can just go to sleep. I Dont know what to do. This is also my first post here.

I’m new to this app but wanted to just get it out there. I have ocd that comes out as obsessing that I have some unknown disease or cancer that is killing me. It gets really bad before I travel and causes me heart palpitations. Before I travel I’m convinced I’m going to die on the trip so then I start having heart palpitations which leads me to think I’ve got some rare heart cancer. It’s a weird circle. I’ve had an echo so I know there’s nothing wrong with my heart but my brain doesn’t care. This worry extends to my kids where I constantly think something bad is going to happen to them. It got 10x worse after my stepdad died in a motorcycle accident a few years ago then my mom and brother had cancer. It seemed to have solidified that death is going to happen so no self talk is working. It’s exhausting.

I've recently fallen into an ocd trap (which I've overcome before) of obsessing over my heart health. Recently I've been so so so aware of random small pains in my jaws or arms that I spiral into being frozen with obsessive thoughts and internal checking compulsions. Any possible sign of heart attacks or coronary artery diseases(which I know every single one), I'm checking for, and often feel like I find. I was just in the er in May thinking I was having a heart attack and I had all the regular er tests for that plus thorough blood testing for cardiac damage markers, which everything checked out healthy. I'm right back at this point at wanting to run to the er, it's that bad. This is stemming from some jaw pain I've recently developed. I have an exposed nerve in a broken tooth on that side as well. Anyway, how do you get past something like this? I really need help. I'm supposed to start emdr therapy with my therapist in a week or two. I'm literally scared I'm dying and ignoring a health issue.

I have moments of relief but other moments of extreme anxiety, stress and heart raising. I’m really tired of worrying about “what ifs” like I’m scared I’ll give up and be locked in a loony bin or in prison. existential OCD and constantly worrying about what’s real and what’s now, or who is and who isn’t is exhausting and scary. I’ve dealt with this in the past but it doesn’t make this round any lighter. Like sick and tired of not essentially knowing what to believe, combine it with dpdr it’s really tiring and physically exhausting Anyone going/went through this and have any tips or in-site. Open ears, I just wanna go back to how I was before these intrusive thoughts didn’t come up again. Would therapy or medication help and what can I do to help it.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I go to two therapists, I try all I can to get better but the feelings of intense guilt, failure, shame, non deserving of good things, just don’t go away. I’m in a tough spot in my relationship, taking a break for a few weeks. My partner doesn’t want to give up on us, she is an angel. The kindest person I have ever met. So understanding even though I drag her through all my nonsense. I want to leave so that she is free to find someone better, someone that can commit to her fully and give her the love she deserves, and at the same time, I can’t let her go. I am crying all day everyday, I can’t work, I can’t function. I am vomiting, I lay in bed all day. I have been doubting this relationship since the very beginning even though she is the sweetest person I’ve been with, that actually showed me grace and love. Despite her issues with major depression, she has sacrificed much of her time to help me. And yet, I have been a terrible person to her - avoidant, aloof, thinking I’d be happier with someone else, fantasizing about other women. One night I went out to drink by myself to help calm the intrusive thoughts. But then an attractive girl started talking to me and I felt excited about it, like I could cheat on my partner or leave her for this girl. Her and a male friend went to go outside to smoke a cigarette and I asked them for one, but I am not 100% sure if the motive was to hit on that girl, or simply because I just wanted a cigarette. I don’t remember saying and flirty things to her, but there was a point we had eye contact and she smiled. She also has a boyfriend herself so I doubt she would have reciprocated anything, but it’s the fact that I felt I had the intention to flirt and to cheat. Then, I went to another bar. I bought the bartender a shot as a trade for a cigarette (I didn’t want to just freeload). But I was having thoughts that I could flirt with her. I told my girlfriend some parts of these events; she asked me if I flirted with the bartender, I said no. But I feel the truly honest answer would be to tell her “I don’t know if I did.” I didn’t confess to my partner the full extent of the thoughts and feelings, and this is killing me. At the same time, I don’t know if it’s worth it, because it would just be hurting her when nothing really ended up happening; I didn’t kiss anyone or take anyone home with me. Also, I remember having the urge to go to the bar to see if I could meet other women, but I don’t remember if that was this same night or a different night (in which I ultimately ended up not going and staying home). Another huge doubt is that my partner said she would like kids in the future (we’ve been dating for just under 1 year). I know for a fact I don’t ever want kids, and I told her I will get a vasectomy. I’ve brought this topic up to her so many times because I’m afraid of it being a major incompatibility. But she always just says “I’m not thinking about kids right this moment. At this moment, I’m still trying to get my life together and I just want to be with you.” So I am basically just hanging on the hope that she’ll change her mind in the future. But assuming she did change her mind and sacrificed having kids just to be with me; then that means I have to confess to her my thoughts of infidelity. Because she has to know who she would be dedicating her life to. I’m spiraling out of control and I feel I’ve ruined everything. I don’t know what to do, every day is hell and torture and misery. I have even tried to find faith again and am praying every day but I feel God has forsaken me.

I don’t want to voice my OCD because I feel like I am reassurance seeking! But not voicing it makes you feel so alone! Any tips?

I just think it's real at this point

Mornings are usually the worst for me. Today Im supposed to meet a person who Im getting to know (in my house) and the harm thoughts were unbearable in bed. It seems like i purposely want to think about it. And it is a horrible thought about killing. And then I start rrading Reddit and other posts. I start to imagine scenarios where I think “today is the day you do it” and I can see myself doing it. I read that psycopaths plan their actions and now i cant stop picturing myself planning these actions. And When I imagine myself planning it it feels so real. Then I cant cry and When I have tears in thinkmy eyes i feel like its fake. And When I to myself “i Will act on it”, I can actually see myself doing it. I can never distinguish if Im anxious or not. I could see the “checking feelings” compulsion in other thoughts. But not this time. It seems like I agreed with the scenario and I could actually do it. Please please help.

Well, OCD strikes again. When I got diagnosed with OCD I was like “man this blows but at least I don’t have pocd” Guess it was only a matter of time. Here is my story. When I was about 19 I found this person online who I thought was cute. I really liked their aesthetic and just thought they were attractive. I think we had some mutuals online but I think I reached out first I don’t remember its been awhile. When I found out their age which was anywhere from 14-16 (I don’t remember much especially with trying so hard to figure it out ocd can twist your memories). Something that eats me alive is if I said they were cute after I found out their age. I don’t think I said any sexual thats not really in my nature but just that one question above has me in shambles. Anytime i’m around teen boys I get so much anxiety and really uncomfortable. I have constant thoughts that I should 🪦 myself because i’m a ped*phile and don’t deserve to live. I am absolutely miserable. I don’t want to be one but i’m afraid that I am. I feel super alone in all of this i’ve tried looking up others stories and none really have my experience per say. I hesitated writing this but I figured if anyone would be able to understand its the people in the OCD community.

To manage my real event OCD during the past few months, I told myself that whatever happenes in the future happens, if I take a decision that might end up hurting someone well, that’s just how I am and there’s is nothing I could have done to prevent it. But recently this doesn’t work anymore, something traumatic happened to me and I made a decision, which might have hurt or not hurt my cats, I wasn’t there when it might have happened so I’ll never know. The worst thing is that I don’t know if this decision I have made with malicious intent or not, I’ll never know either. So I can’t adopt this mind set of ”whatever happens happens”, because if I know I’m doing what I’m doing maliciously. Then I have to stop myself, and for that I need to punish myself severely so that my brain gets the message that there will be consequences for not doing better, for letting bad things happen.

I feel very alone in my OCD and CPTSD. Throughout my life, I’m constantly told I’m too much or my mental illness is too much. Although I have healed so much, the presence of mental illness is something that instantly turns people away. My ex boyfriend told me that I’m never getting better, but my therapist tells me I’m getting better everyday. I feel it in my bones. I’m the best I’ve been in a whole decade. So many people have so many things to say about my mental illness. They tell me I’m not we’ll enough. I’m never well enough. No matter how much healing I do. It’s not good enough for them. I find myself daydreaming about friendships and relationships that understand my mental illness. I feel as though I should hide in a pretend world of loving relationships because I don’t believe I will find people who love me despite my mental illness.

18 months ago after a covid infection, I became unwell… weakness, high heart rate, dizziness and felt awful. What followed seemed to be a sequence of awful events that led me down a really obsessive path of health ocd. Quick summary: post covid illness with heart palpitations and lots of hospital trips, pregnancy related heart palpitations, my stepdad getting pneumonia and being hospitalised, my grandma having a stroke, me having to have a brain MRI due to swelling found on an eye exam, an anomalous pregnancy scan with suspected genetic abnormalities with my baby, a blood clot in my lung, a lump in my neck which was looked at by ultrasound, continued heart palpitations after my daughter arrived, unexplained shortness of breath for approx 7 months and still going now, stomach pain that’s been examined by ultrasound, my dad having a heart attack and cardiac arrest and now I’ve got a breast lump and a hard bone lump on my chin which I’m convinced is breast cancer that’s metastasised to my bones as well as experiencing some unpleasant GI symptoms. It feels a lot for 18 months and I genuinely feel cursed, I feel like I’m just waiting for the next awful thing and it feels like it’s a genuine curse on my life and I’m absolutely terrified. I have since become completely and utterly obsessed and preoccupied with my health and illness. I cannot help but feel genuinely as though I’m actually going to die soon and that I must have a serious illness. Sometimes I can see that everything has turned out “okay” and the big scary bits from this last 18 months are over and that I’ve turned out to be okay too. During these moments of “clarity” I guess, I can look back at all the illnesses I’ve been convinced I’ve had and realise that I was only right about 1 (out of about 1000), to name a few I’ve believed I had: Heart failure, a ventricular arrhythmia, leukaemia, colon cancer, non Hodgkin’s lymphoma, bowel cancer, MS, a heart attack, peripartum cardiomyopathy, a brain tumour, a neurological condition, breast cancer, bone cancer, arthritis, atrial fibrillation, a stroke and pulmonary embolism. To name a few. It’s so hard to ground myself in reality when I have actual physical symptoms that make me feel scared. This breast lump is actually being investigated and now I’m utterly utterly convinced that this hard lump on my chin is a sign that the breast lump is breast cancer and it’s spread to my bones. I am losing my grip on reality and feel so distressed. Doctors just think I’m nuts and CBT doesn’t help me. I just feel like I’m not going to be here for my baby daughter and it’s ruining my life.

hi, i have been having resting, persisting, and ongoing anxiety and anxiety/panic attacks thinking i could be gay and have to break up with my boyfriend for about 9 or so months now. i really dont want to, because i love him and care for him. and yes, i feel i do romantically and sexually, and all of those other ways. any one here who was gay with a similar experience ? i saw a youtube video where she says she was having panic/anxiety attacks thinking about being gay for a long time, and then discovered herself to be gay, and there were a lot of comments agreeing with her saying they had similar experiences. if youve had a similar experience could you let me know, or if anyone has any insight can you let me know. it just sounds so similar to what i have been calling OCD this whole time, making me think it is not OCD. i would appreciate it :(

I've been dealing with an Relationship OCD relapse for a few weeks now and im currently distressed, overanalyzing my feelings towards my boyfriend, I feel the urge to break up with him at random times daily, for context I'm in a healthy happy relationship but this is causing me so much distress and anxiety. I fear I might loose control and break up with him.

I’m overwhelmed big time. I am working full time and I’m going to school full time too. I work retail and it’s a store that is constantly busy and they over work people to death including me. I am taking 5 classes this semester and I have so many assignments each week that I never have time to do because I work all day where I usually get off at 9 and have assignments due at midnight. I can’t afford to cut my hours down at work because it’s almost the holiday season which is big for the store I work for and I have so many bills I have to take care of. Now I’m no way trying to sound ungrateful. I have a job and a place to live and I know that’s something to be happy for and I get that. But juggling all of this while having depression and anxiety is nearly impossible. I was bullied at my last job and I recently started at the place I’m at now and I have no friends at work or school because I have trust issues from being betrayed and stabbed in the back so I come off as a rude bitter person to protect myself I guess I don’t know but I have a huge heart but people manage to still use me and hurt me. Anyways I know this isn’t ocd related but I really don’t have anyone I could talk to that would understand because when I talk to my mom about it she gets cold about my feelings and pushes me aside and I don’t want to keep putting my grandma through it because then it makes her stressed out that she can’t help me which I don’t expect her to but that’s the kind of person she is. She recently had a possible heart attack from stress so that’s the last thing I want to do. I know this is a lot but if you read this until the end please just know if you are going through something similar I’m here for you. I understand how hard and overwhelming it can be. I just don’t know if I can handle it much longer 💔