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My mental health is at its lowest and I'm sick of existing

A little bit of a bummer post today but mostly a really proud one. Yesterday was, unfortunately my last day with NOCD, due to reasons related to my health insurance, continuing to pay for services OON is not affordable, yay US healthcare 😤 But I am so thankful to my therapist, and NOCD for the spot I am in now that I haven’t been at, mentally in years. While I can identify earlier moments of events or actions possibly related to my OCD, the one that affected me most was just a few days past exactly 7 years ago. The thought that started it all for my SO OCD theme occurred while I was being intimate with my gf at the time and my head thought “I wonder what this would look like if this was a guy”… That one split second thought caused me to spiral for the rest of the day and into the next. I could not get out of my head, I was numb to the world around me and when I went to a local urgent care and they asked the question - “have you had thoughts of self harm” - I admitted I did, I didn’t want to act on them at all, but I did I was admitted to a local mental health unit of a hospital that day. I was diagnosed with GAD that day, and while I only stayed for a night, the constant thoughts and the complete feeling of numbness, that I experienced for weeks, is something I’ll never forget. I viewed myself as weak, as useless, as broken, and I did for a long long time even if sometimes I forgot about those feelings. It didn’t help that my parents are not supportive of mental health issues, although I can see now where I got mine from. I came across, what was known as HOCD at the time, now SO OCD, a few weeks later, and knew what I was experiencing was that. Even the HOCD tests that I took at the time highly suggested that, but I completely overlooks the OCD aspect. To me, SO OCD was like a cold, I caught it, and it would go away with some medication, which was what was happening. Every morning I would see how long it would be until I had a thought about my sexual orientation where I would, what felt like a moment where I would snap back into my head. It got longer week by week and so to me, I was cured. But I wasn’t. In between the moments of that time and now, I met my now wife, got married and had a child with another on the way. I had a lot of very very good moment, a lot more so than bad, but those events scarred me. While OCD tormented me quietly in other ways: - you lost weight to quickly while dieting, I think you have cancer, better try eating more just to make sure - you can’t fall asleep, what if you have this super rare illness where you’ll never be able to fall asleep again and slowly go crazy and die? - what if your newborn daughter is crying because she can see into the future and knows that you’re going to die today, it’ll probably be from that aneurysm you’re so worried about It always jabbed me with reminders and thoughts that would harken back to one of the most traumatic periods of my life: - you should kiss your friend - don’t you think it’s going to be hard to be completely straight and married to your wife for eternity, even in the afterlife - oh look a gay dude, remember how you never fully figured out if you were actually gay Those moments and thoughts always felt like a gut punch, but they would go away, until this year. If I had to make a list of triggers it would include but not be limited to: - learning that someone I had interacted with a bunch of times during those “gap” years was actually gay, and sold records which always created thoughts whenever I listened to my record player while working - seeing a documentary about Aaron Hernandez and reading his story on Wikipedia which included a snippet of him blaming him being raped as a child for his potential attraction to men, for which may or may not have happened to me (I don’t think it did but the dad of a friends house I went to a lot when I was little, was convicted of child molestation) - viewing my medicine that I would only take on and off again as the way to get the thoughts to stop - recognizing that my wife and I weren’t able to spend as much time together as we used to, which generated ROCD thoughts first The thoughts progressed more and more for weeks. I was trapped in my head, almost 24/7, trying to make the thoughts stop, reliving thoughts that just reminded me constantly of that period 7 years ago, all while I became more and more depressed, anxious and distant. Eventually, while my wife was visiting for lunch at work, I broke down crying and told her everything. I knew it was SO OCD, but was only starting to realize what OCD actually was. I came across NOCD through a YouTube video, and after trying and failing to find an in network therapist in my area, or someone in network that didn’t have wait times for months out, mainly because I couldn’t google as efficiently in my state of mind, I reached out. I was able to speak to someone so quickly and start working with a therapist just a week after Wilda Rodriguez-Barnett, I highly, highly recommend her, she’s amazing. I did the DOCS and received a score of 22. Today I leave with a DOC score of 4. With her help and ERP therapy, I have truly found so much more peace in my life that I didn’t have for years since that traumatic period. The thoughts are still there, and I know they always will be, but I know that I can handle them with the tools ERP therapy has provided me. Even the other day when I had a health concern pop up, I resisted the urge of googling which I know would’ve sent me into a spiral. I wrote a lot and I still feel like there is so much more that I can say but I’ll try to wrap up this novel of a post with this. When I started ERP therapy I was skeptical. I was hopeful it would help me but I was skeptical it would. Being exposed to my fears was not something I was looking forward to, after all, I had the life I always wanted and even more than I ever thought I would have with my wife, so what if I was actually gay. OCD wants us to live our lives in fear. It will concoct any little thing it can, whether it be a thought, feeling or urge, to plant just a seed of doubt which we water and grow ourselves until it attacks. I know these thoughts will never go away and I don’t think anyone should view OCD recovery as that, although I think we would all want to, but I do know the life I want to live right now. I know I will never be perfect in resisting my compulsions, but I feel confident that I have the tools to recognize what is going on and stopping OCD from creating the fear that it has.

About a year and a half ago, my friend group went out for karaoke. On the way to the bathroom, in the empty hallway, I passed a guy in my friend group (who had a girlfriend at the time, and I was already with my partner at the time). I remember it was dark, quiet, and empty, and I remember thinking “what if I made out with him right now?” I know I just walked past him and went into the bathroom as normal, but I remember the intrusive thought lingered even after I got back from the bathroom. It made me anxious at the time but I quickly got distracted and moved on. Now for some reason it popped into my head again and I am thinking maybe I did make out with him. However I know this is ridiculous. First of all, if I had actually cheated, there is absolutely no way that I would have just forgotten that and moved on. I know myself and I know I would have anxiously confessed right away. Second of all, the guy is still in our friend group, and there is no way that BOTH of us would have randomly, completely out of the blue, cheated on our partners and have no one find out. I have looked through my very brief messages with that guy, and there is nothing even remotely suspicious. There is no way that we would have just decided to make out all of a sudden without some sort of indication of something in our messages. I know i’m being stupid, but I’m getting so anxious about this that i almost want to message him and ask if anything happened. But I know how incredibly weird and strange and insane that would be. This sucks. False memories suck.

I know I mentioned this a couple times but I just can’t help the fact that I feel so alone. I have been hanging out with my dad when I can & that’s been like the thing that’s holding me together. I have opened up to him about my feelings/thoughts as of recently. I appreciate his support. ofc, I don’t tell him exactly what’s going on in my mind, but just an explanation that he can understand. other than that, I have no one else. I can say that I have my online friends to tell but don’t want to burden them. I prefer to listen. I guess it depends on the person, which I feel bad. I have a friendship over 6 years and still don’t feel much comfortable talking about my problems to them. a part of me says that I am required to because they’ve been my friend for so long. and others I feel like I can speak to & have been friends for a couple months. I feel bad that I’m like betraying my oldest friend. we don’t even talk that much anymore like we used to. I get everyone has their own lives. I’m just scared I’ll not care about being friends anymore or lose that connection we had as friends. I don’t have any friends here locally. it’s been about 4-5 years since then. even the ‘friends’ I had back then, I don’t consider them friends. I had to drop everyone for my own mental health. I guess I can say an old friend of mine from elementary all the way up to sophomore year of high school lives nearby. but we don’t talk anymore. we have each other added and rarely talk. we used to be best friends but that was long ago. I did meet up with her last year to catch up, but that’s been it. that friendship chemistry we had as kids, I feel like it’s not there. doesn’t mean I will cut her off. she has shown growth and have better trust in her than everyone else in our grade. she has her own life & we’re not linked like we were in the past. I feel bad for not wanting to be closer to her. I mean we can talk & that’s fine. but I don’t think we will ever be the level we were again & I’m fine with that. I will find my people someday, hopefully. but yeah. I have no one basically. my father is pretty much holding me together. other than that, I feel empty. I’m trying my best everyday. I feel dead inside. I feel something I can’t described I guess. I’m just friendless in real life. don’t have my people. I’m struggling to keep up but I’m trying. no one can see that I’m trying but I’m trying.

ive been on 3 different meds this year and havent found anything that works good yet (im in the uk and i think the medication names are different elsewhere btw sorry) i was on fluoxetine (prozac) for 7 years and it worked ok but Erased my sex drive and also did nothing for my depression, then swapped to mirtazapine this year and it worked great but caused hair loss and my intrusive thoughts wouldnt let me take it anymore so i had to swap to sertraline and my ocd is unbearably bad. tbh its probably too low of a dosage yet and ill go up on it soon but wondering if anyone is on one that works really well for you

Hi everyone! I’d like to start off by saying I haven’t been diagnosed with ocd or ocpd, but I’ve done a good amount of research on it, and I believe I may have either or. But anyways my experience with it sense I’ve figure out that I may have ocpd, I’ve thought about my past a lot, and even recent behaviors that really add up. I’ve been a lot more of a perfectionist as of lately because I’m becoming a new adult in life. I’ve started to make great improvements in life when highschool ended, because I took me graduating as a fresh start in life. So I started to heavily focus on myself first. Going to the gym, saving money, signing up for college, be the perfect partner (at the time). I was so focused on being the best me I can be, and now I’m getting to a religious part of me, and I’m kinda scared to keep digging into Christianity. Christianity seems so good on paper. Almost everything about it. But I know that I’m going to be a sinner for the rest of my life no matter what. Ive sinned multiple times in the past and will make more in the future. But I believe if I dig deeper Into Christ I’m going to take everything seriously and try to become sinless. And I believe that’s going to cause me so much stress in the future, all because I want to be with Jesus and loved ones in the afterlife. I’m hoping I’ll be shown a good path, but I’m hoping someone is in my similar path and can give some good advice on Christianity, perfectionism, and acceptance. Thank you :)

Having a hard time figuring out if my physical symptoms are because of my OCD & health anxiety or if there’s something truly wrong with me. Feeling weakness and weird sensations in my arm and leg on and off for a long time now … doctors don’t know what’s wrong :(

So I watch daily videos of a mother and daughter that do make up and talk. They are so funny. The daughter is about 10-13. She always talks about her school crush in almost every video and her mom always rolls her eyes and they just make me laugh because I have a daughter that age. So I was watching their new video today and after watching their videos for so long and listening to the daughter always go on and on about this boy she likes, I simply thought to myself I wonder what this boy she has such a crush on looks like. As soon as I thought that, my ocd has me questioning myself telling me I am inappropriate for wondering that. I know I wasn’t thinking anything wrong but why does my ocd always make me feel like a bad person? Am I? I hate my brain and living. I can’t do or think anything normal without questioning it and feeling like a horrible abnormal unworthy person.

Soemtimes something really horrific harm thought comes to my head or a scenario of something happening and it feels like I get a feeling that I like it or want that ?? I was getting a kind of hot feeling come over me like and I’m thinking is that adrenaline from fear? Is it possible to be mistaking it and thinking it’s because I like it since it’s adrenaline? I feel really confused but idk can adrenaline make you feel like you actually like these horrible thoguhts or want them ? When you don’t? I read somewhere that adrenaline and excitement can feel the same? But now I’m thinking I’m in denial since it feels real that I got an adrenaline feeling that felt like I liked that horrible thoguht/scenario and I’m in denial about it because it feels real and almost comes to me like as if I’m secretly happy inside or ‘smiling’ inside which is really weird and makes it really difficult for me to feel like I’m not bad I feel like I don’t even know what I feel anymore or I’m confusing soem feelings for other feeling or I’m evil and trying to hide it or in denial how can it feel like a genuine feeling or emotion I’ve been going through this for 2 years and feel no anxiety for the thoughts but jsut now I had a horrible scenario about stabbing someone I care about repeatedly and it felt like a movie scene and then I got that weird feeling come like adrenaline but it felt like I liked that thoguhts and I got a hot feeling like flush come over me?? And these thoguhts even come with like dialogue or facial expression of the person the thought is about in pain and it makes it seem even more real? Am I crazy? Why does it feel like this?

I started having worries about not being straight when I was in 7th grade. I think it was because my brother told me a musician came out as gay, and that made me wonder if he thought of me that way too. Slowly I began to recognize every girl around me and ask myself if I was attracted to them, even though I knew I wasn’t. This made me fall into a deep depression and didn’t even want to see my friends because I was scared I’d be attracted to them (once again, I knew I wasn’t). Slowly these thoughts went away freshmen year when I started to make more friends, guys and girls, and began to have romantic relations with guys. I really liked the idea of having a boyfriend and was stunned that guys found me attractive now that I was in high school. I have always been very artistic and creative and slowly have developed a style for myself that highly revolves around vintage clothing or stuff I make. Ag the beginning of my junior year, I began talking to a guy who I had had a crush on for years. He is two years older, very cool style and music taste. I began to dress different and listen to old music because I wanted to impress him. I would say I dress pretty feminine, but the past few months I felt that I’m not able to dress how I want because I’m afraid people will think I’m not straight. I am a very social person and would say I have a lot of friends, girls and guys, and would also say I’ve have a decent amount of guys interested in me. I feel myself more attracted to guys who are artistic and musical, and have talked to a guy who was bisexual before, which, now looking back on it, makes me wonder if that makes me bi too. I’ve had multiple talking stages with guys in the past year and have truly enjoyed their company and intimacy. My most recent talking stage started to fluctuate when I kept asking myself if I was attracted to the guy. I know I am, but it made me feel really upset and bad for not being able to give him all of my personality. I also have always been the type of girl to want to be talking to a guy, who always wants a boyfriend, but now I feel like people think I do this because I’m trying to hide my feelings. But I feel like if that were the case, I wouldn’t feel happy and excited when they text me, or want to keep hooking up with them, etc. In addition, I am a tall girl and feel very poorly about the way I look, often thinking I look very masculine. It has come to the point where I have to ask my mom almost every day if I look like a boy, to which she replies wondering why I would ever think that. OCD runs in my family but this has been such a battle and makes me think that because I have spent so much time thinking about this, I must not be straught. Overall, I know deep down I’m straight but also hate the idea that one day I might not be, and that this type of ocd could be fake. Please let me know if anyone relates or has anything I can do to help me be myself again.

I’ll start - Worried I was a zoophile because I enjoy eating octopus - Thought I was dying of a brain aneurism because my head hurt - Thought that because my towel touched the hand towel that my family uses that I had to wash them both so that way my family wouldn’t become attracted to me.

Is this to be expected?? I feel anxious for hours after ERP sessions. I also have panic disorder so that may be why . Any advice for beginning ERP? I just had my 3rd session today. What to expect?

Let’s talk more…

ROCD is so painful because I can feel sick to my stomach/worried about my relationship fading out and have no idea if it’s my OCD or the actual relationship. If you have OCD -can you just assume all of this is anxiety and ignore it? I feel like I want someone/something to tell me everything is okay and I can ignore all these feelings (seeking reassurance) but also everything in the media/comarisons makes me think these feelings wouldn’t happen if I was with my true love. The ‘trust your gut’ advice is SO triggering to me because my gut generally always doubts/questions my relationship. And also can I have gut feelings that something is wrong but still be with my true love partner?

I’m so confused right now. I know that no one is ever perfect, and I really want to grow and deepen my relationship with my bf, I don’t want anyone else. I care so much about him and I feel safe with him. But Im worried because there are certain things he does that are very cringy and sometimes embarrassing or annoying, and he can also be very hyper. I guess it’s hard for me to pinpoint what exactly I feel when he acts cringy or hyper or embarrassing, I think I just start to feel judgy towards him and annoyed and maybe even embarrassed sometimes. It can just be a turn off. But I don’t want to be judgy towards him for those things, I don’t want to feel that way about him, it can just be tough sometimes. I’m also good friends with his sister and she is definitely extremely hyper and weird sometimes too but I don’t feel judgy towards her, she’s great, and she’s super friendly, she just has her moments where you start to question her sanity, but she’s really genuine and just a beautiful person. I guess it’s just different when you’re dating someone, because it can be a bit of a turn off. And I worry that it’s bad to feel that way, to feel turned off by that behaviour. And I want to do everything in my power to fix it. I feel terrible, because he is literally such an amazing person and I want to plan a future with him, but I’ve been fighting so hard for months, trying to work through all my feelings and being scared of what I think and feel. I’m so tired. What if it’s not ROCD, but I still want to make it work. It feels like the minute it’s not OCD, these become real reasons to leave, but I don’t want to leave. I want to make it work, and I’m worried it’s not OCD, but even if it wasn’t I’d want to fix it and make it work.

Sorry I’ve been posting a lot lately, im just really really distressed. I’m worrying a lot and my thoughts can’t seem to be quiet. I want to distract myself and stop thinking about all of this, but when im this stressed out, I can’t enjoy the things that I used to because all I can do is ruminate. Does anybody have advice on this? Advice on calming down your thoughts and ruminating

theres this guy i used to have a crush on when me and my bf broke up and no matter how much i try i cant lose the attraction or not think hes attractive and i keep thinking hes more attractive looks wise than my bf but i dont want to think that bcs i genuinely love my bf and i dont even want to feel anything towards this other guy can someone help or give advice please

So my ocd has found something new to obsess over, sadly. I’m the oldest sibling and I’ve always struggled with my anger. As a kid, I would take these feelings out on my siblings whenever they made me mad and i feel terrible now just thinking about it. My brother admitted to me a while ago that he felt so sad and depressed because of how rude I was. Thinking about it now, it makes me feel so ashamed. I was so mean to him. I’ve changed and he doesn’t feel that way anymore toward me anymore and our relationship is actually so much better. I guess im just obsessing over the fact that I caused my own brother to be depressed and sad. I wasn’t even worried about this before because I’ve changed. And I’m really scared because my ocd has been terrible lately, leading to a lot of stress. What if this stress leads to health issues like heart disease?? I’m really scared. Please help me

I recently revived my award for conquering my OCD. I was feeling great, having improved significantly. Previously my OCD was mostly focused on constant debilitating fears that something bad would happen to my loved ones. Now I can’t even remember the last time I had a thought like that which is great. I am preparing to move across the country to live with my boyfriend and now i’m experiencing ROCD which i’ve never had before. It’s been days of this now and am afraid I won’t be able to get it under control. It is also making me so sad because I have never had thoughts like these regarding my relationship before. Any suggestions on how to tackle this before it worsens? I am trying to use the same strategies I learned in therapy that I used for my other themes, however i’m struggling.

I wrote alot of posts with this topic but now i realized i might need to move out from my parents house. I dont want to and it makes me so sad. I dont want to leave my dog and live alone, with noone to help, i dont care about the things i have to do, cooking for myself and washing/cleaning, im okay with that, but mentally its really not a good idea. Im now crying cause im working on the sadness that i have to leave my dog and i wont see him. People cant understand others situation, its makes me angry that theres no other options on the internet, its just "move out" but these are the people who wanted to move out cause they cant go to party or stay outside late night, and they move and say it was a good idea, they are free and some people treat others like they are losers if they stay home with their parents, and how theyre a better person cause they live alone...I dont want to move, not because dad and mom buys and pays me everything and i can do what i want, since im working, im buying things for myself with my own money, i can cook for myself and i like to do it, and i would pay rent at home too. I dont want to move because of loneliness, that depressing feeling, going home after work and noones there to ask you how you doing, how was work, or if its even just a dog being happy that you came home. Moving out would be a mental suicide for me. I bought that dog a year ago cause i felt loneliness and boredom many times, but since i have him i didnt experienced those feelings, and now i just have to throw that away. Im really scared of feeling lonely. Others would say move with others, its not that easy, im struggling having friends, the ones i have already live with their girlfriend/boyfriend, you cant just find people. For some its easy, i went to uni and some of my collegues had to live in apartments cause they came from other cities, but they werent christians and you know uni life is about drinking, they just did that everyday. I couldnt live with people like that. Its not that easy to move away. If you want to and you have friends to not feel alone yeah its easy, but my only thing that makes me feel not lonely is my dog and i have to leave it to live alone its just puts me back to be misserable... if it would be a different reason that theres no other choice than okay i work on accepting it, but im angry cause i feel that theres other choices, its just everyone is so drunk with "move out". I know i will have to move out one day but its with my wife to start another family, if it would be that i would be happy, thats what im waiting for. But it doesnt seems like i would get a wife anytime soon... Im really sad that i have to leave my dog and it will be so hard to go through that...