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It feels like I have turned gay I don’t even think I have hocd anymore I just want to end it all

*read to the bottom* I keep thinking back to this occurrence that was about a year and a half ago. Me and my boyfriend have talked through it, but the guilt kills me. There was a MUCH older guy (like 15 years) that was very popular, basketball star at my school, etc. I just so happened to be at a wedding where he was at. My boyfriend was not there. I noticed he was paying me attention, and I feel like I enjoyed it. A guy who was considered a “legend” from my hometown watching me constantly? I feel so horrible because I was drinking, and when I was on the dance floor I was worried about if my butt looked bad, or I wanted it to look good? I was dancing so that he would notice my butt???? I don’t have much of one. That sounds so horrible. Never once did the thought that I wanted to cheat on my boyfriend came to my head, or anything like that. But when I noticed this guy had left, I was like “awww, I won’t feel this attention anymore.” I didn’t even SPEAK to this man. I didn’t want anything to do with him in anyway. I just enjoyed the attention and wanted him to think I looked good.) or my butt looked good??? Which is insane bc I never care about that.) I would never be interested in him in anyway other than I wanted him to think I was attractive. Please let me know if you’ve ever experienced something like this. My boyfriend said that he understood, that it would be like him going to the beach and having his shirt off and him wanting people to think he looks good. My parents even have said it’s human nature. I just don’t know. Edit- when I first made this post, I said we didn’t talk— which we didn’t, but we did have a passing of words in the hallway by the bathroom. It wasn’t a full conversation, I didn’t know he was there and I was dancing and he saw me and said something. I didn’t say anything back to him. (So it wasn’t a passing of words from me) I then went to my friend and his cousin and said “THE (his name) just spoke to me” I also felt “sad” or like I didn’t want to be at the wedding reception because he had left and I wasn’t feeling that attention anymore? I remember being in the back of the building with my friend thinking “I need to get back out there so he can see how good I look” I was very very intoxicated and this is not who I am. I feel like I like it when I feel pretty or that I’m getting attention, and this whole situation felt like I cheated on my boyfriend. Before he was giving this attention to me at the reception, during the ceremony I told my aunt he was handsome (I CANT BELIEVE I SAID THAT) This has been almost two years now and it still bothers me. I would do anything to go back and to not have those thoughts. Never ONCE did I actually want to physically cheat on my boyfriend and I would never ever do that. This guy is much older than me, in his late 30s I would assume and I was 23 at the time of the incident. I just feel so so awful. I can’t stress enough that I would never physically cheat on my partner and I hope this isn’t emotionally cheating because I don’t want ANYONE but my boyfriend. I hope somebody reads this and can give me some advice on how to cope

I was diagnosed with OCD in 1994 or 95; I can't actually remember. Over the years I've been on different kinds of medication. I was on Luvox for a while, but that didn't help. I'm currently taking generic Zoloft 100mg day. I've got so many triggers, it's tough to get a handle on my anxiety, so I start to pick, dig cut my nails and the areas around them. It's so bad sometimes they bleed and I've got to use Bacitracin and bandage them. This skin picking started around 2016. It's not fun at all. I was in a very fulfilling job, but my coworkers constantly bullied me; I'm pretty sure that's why I started to pick my skin. It would get so bad, the skin picking, I would be in the bathroom for almost an hour picking and cutting skin. The OCD the years manifested in the usual way: counting, ordering, re-checking, etc, but I NEVER picked my skin. The most days I've gone without picking is about 7 days. It's such a viscous cycle. I am a spiritual person and pray very much asking God to help me stop the skin picking, cutting, digging etc. Nothing yet, so I keep praying. After I've made my fingers raw and bloody, then bandage them, I put on disposable gloves and that helps me not do more damage. But when I take the gloves off, I pick again if my fingers look or feel like they are not smooth and of course this just prolongs the healing process I'm generally content and get my responsibilities completed, but CANT STOP HURTING MY FINGERS. It really sucks. I know I should not pick and I tell myself if I do I won't be able to pet my cat, build my Lego sets, and run my fingers though my beard. I know that sounds funny, but I guess it's a nervous habit. ( I do have an awesome beard) I just want to stop picking. I can deal with the OCD, but the skin picking really messes up my life. Its strange that I know I'm picking and it's bad, but I just can't stop. Once the blood comes, it seems to tell me, look what you did now you better stop, and I usually do. I guess I just want other people to know they are not alone. I've tried fidget toys and they don't work for me. I don't want to increase the Zoloft to 150mg but will if that's the only answer. I would love your opinions and suggestions. And your prayers would be great also. I think that's what I need; a miracle.

Anyone have problems sleeping? Like thinking about falling asleep and it never happens? Or is this just ocd?

Recently my OCD has been obscured by my MDD (major depressive disorder) I am only 14, it comes in episodes. I’m entering an episode, and i’m scared that, one day what if i don’t come out of the episode? not death, i have never considered that. I mean i have an eating disorder, bullimia, and i just am scared everything may just be starting to get worse. A lot of this is trauma induced after seeing my cousin attempt to slit her wrists, the blood and everything was very traumatic. I have never been the same.

Is there anyone that has overcome ocd without medication? Or is this not possible?

Does anyone that is diagnosed have experience having different themes come up in a day? It’s like I ignored one thought and then my mind comes up with another one until it figures out one that is scary enough for me to ruminate. Does it ever make sense? Like today my intrusive thought was an image of me in the space or falling into space which made me also think - this is non sense! Am I going crazy for having such an unrealistic intrusive thought? And then my psychosis OCD comes to play 🫠 it’s EXHAUSTING but I’ve been answering with “maybe or maybe not” and “I don’t care” which is something I saw someone saying that helps and I’ve been using it. I haven’t started ERP yet but hopefully soon. Just this year this came up and I still catch myself feeling so sad and remembering how I was before this. 😭

I was at the mall with my aunt's. First we accidentally saw some of my cousins and when I was turning to say hi I was extremely close to the youngest who is about 8 and my brain thought that we almost kissed. This was the first thing my brain was telling me that I had to confess to my boyfriend:( Then accidentally saw a friend of mine and one of my aunt's decided to say that he was cute. It literally made me feel weird and that was the second thing OCD told me to confess. Then I mentioned that there was a party tonight from a friend ( I used to have intrusive thoughts about but I'm over that) I talked about this person with my aunt's and then OCD told me that because I was talking about him I had to confess to my boyfriend. Then the worst one came. I was overthinking about every interaction I had, and for some reason my brain just slapped me with an intrusive thought that made me want to cry, and made me feel distressed. About the friend I accidentally saw at the mall. My OCD told me "what if you like this friend and not your boyfriend" and it felt real. But I have had this intrusive thought before and couldn't be bothered, but now it was bad :( made me completely sad because I imagined my boyfriend's face and I just got sad. I'm scared now:(

Does anyone else tell themselves "don't do 'this' or something bad will happen!" or if something bad does happen you go "it's because I did 'this' thing beforehand" and you end up avoiding a lot of stuff you really enjoy? I get in a bad habit of it. I assume some stuff is cursed, in a sense, even if it's something as mundane as using something in video game or eating a certain food.

content warning: mentions of sexual acts things took a turn for the worse and I ended up opening up about the intrusive thought I had about some random guy while self pleasuring and my boyfriend took it really badly. we calmed down pretty quick and he apologized but I don't know how to feel anymore. with everything else he has been so caring and gentle and understanding. I didn't expect him to be perfectly fine but it got really mean and I don't know how to deal with this. he has apologized and doesn't expect me to forgive him and also made it clear that he knows he messed up, I just feel so upset by how the interaction went. has anyone had a partner react badly for a moment but we're able to move past it? I know how exhausting it can be fir the partner of someone suffering so much and I'm not mad that he felt that way, I just feel so taken aback and in the moment it felt like a dream and everything was just a haze and so intense. please help I don't want to lose him and want to know if other people have worked past this before

I hope someone can respond... Im genuinely so triggered and so anxious... This youtuber was accused of grooming a minor, making inappropriate sex jokes with a minor, and planning to meet up with him at dreamcon when the minor turned 16, talking about doing explicit stuff in the presence of minors, etc... this was all when the youtuber was 20 and the minor was 13... POCD is saying that my situation with me venting about 18+ HOCD stuff to people in the PM's on an OCD groupchat I found from NOCD, including minors, means that I am just as bad as they are... or worse... I pm'ed them from the support group and vented to them (including the minors) about my 18+ HOCD struggles... I dont ever want to ever be attracted to minors in any way... I dont ever want to ever engage in any inappropriate relations with minors in any way...

Taking a walk down memory lane ❤️I used to stare at the knife blocks in my house because I was picturing myself committing suicide in vivid detail terrified I would do it. I was probably 7-9. I also had one about a stuffed penguin I had, where I’d imagine it lost and crying for me :,) that one still gets me even as an adult.

Has anyone have been in a weird state like everything feels weird? I have OCD about schizoprenia and now i am not just dealing with that and fear of hallucinations, but i also feel weird. I am scared of everything, even people, but like i know that everything is fine, its just my mind makes up delusions that everything is dangerous and i am walking on a thin ice. Nothing feels right and its soooo weird and scary 😭 it also feels that any second i will lose my mind and i feel constant tingeling in my chest like im in stress about something

Hello! I am pretty early in my journey with receiving treatment for OCD, although it seems I’ve had it my whole life. I would love to hear any inspirational stories from people who have seen improvements from treatment! I am feeling good about ERP so far but I could use some inspiration as I embark on the harder parts :)

Im 16 and i’ve always wanted to drink and smoke weed to use it as a way to ease my tension and anxiety like people say it would . I never have because i’m terrified id say something horrible or do something bad and not remember it . I don’t tell people that’s why i don’t wanna engage in drinking or substances because i just know they wouldnt understand and they’d tell me to ‘stop being so paranoid’. So, instead , they call me boring and frigid which is putting pressure on me. i wish i could have fun like them but i actively avoid parties and dont get invited to them because of it. Im just so scared of something bad happening that’s out of my control. Im not too sure what to do because i don’t want to stay a social outcast forever. Any advice would be appreciated ❤️

My OCD flared up and went to town on my mental well being yesterday. Intrusive thought after intrusive thought, groinal response after groinal response, rumination after rumination. All three of which lead to a dark rabbit hole. Trying to figure out if I am capable of any of those actions presented in the thoughts, coming up with scenarios in which the “possibilities” is high for said actions and lastly, trying to determine if I need to unalive myself or have myself institutionalized to prevent all of it. I know it was all just what I would usually tell many of you, “A bad day with OCD,” but today as the title says. I’m just emotionally drained. Don’t care to fight back against the OCD. If the OCD says I’m a pedophile, maybe I am, maybe I’m not, I don’t care. If my groinal area wants to move, let it, I don’t care. Now for my personal question, anyone ever get to this point? Just emotional indifference? Please reply, today is already a bad day but I promise to try to have a better day tomorrow.

OCD is so strange because I feel so mentally exhausted 24/7 but i’m so good at masking it that like it’s like i can think double. I’m not sure that makes sense. But i am so used to the OCD thoughts racing through my head that i can respond to my environment whilst completely existing in my head. I can have conversations when intrusive thoughts are taking over my inner dialect. I feel like i am even doubting whether i have OCD and whether it’s all just an excuse. I feel like my rumination hasn’t stopped for the past 3 years. Everything i used to enjoy or look forward to, is now dread and tainted by the thoughts telling me i never knew. I don’t even know what i like or who i am anymore. The thought of getting help and talking through it all scares me because what if i’m invalidated or if i speak about it too much then what if i don’t stop thinking. I’m so exhausted

Have you ever been feeling okay and then suddenly an old intrusive thought comes back but worse and you can’t seem to get past it as easily?

I have had OCD all of my life. It affects absolutely everything I do. Those of you that have it know exactly what I mean. I'm a 50 year old male and I have been on meds for 30 plus years. Most days I'm fine, except for a bit of compulsive checking. Lately, I have been absolutely overwhelmed with my job, which I absolutely hate. I have been at it for over 14 years. I'm at the point of a nervous breakdown and feel so terrible and ashamed for my poor wife having to deal with my emotions. I feel like a failure of a man and husband, though she's always by my side. I'm currently looking for new work but my OCD just accentuates everything. Lately, whenever I'm about to clock on for the day I nearly have a panic attack. And over what? A stupid job that would replace me in a heartbeat?? They have already led on that I'm not too far from that. OCD just makes everything soo damn big. Instead of realizing it's just time to move on and just take the necessary steps to do so, I Instead overthink and panic. This is my current struggle. Just wanted to share. Soo damn tired that all I think about is retirement. I'm just wishing my life away to the age when I'll seemingly be more at peace. Thanks for reading.

okay so i slept at like 3 am last night, so i obviously slept in lol. i woke up at like 1:40 to be exact but i also woke up multiple times in the morning just for no reason, i check the time and go back to sleep. i had to pee since like 6 am(the first time i woke up) but i didn’t because going to the bathroom and getting back in bed makes me feel dirty so i just went back to sleep. so fast forward to when i wake up at 1:40, i get up normally and as i’m walking to the bathroom i have to pee really bad like i can barely hold it. which is normal duh bc i’ve been laying down too long to know i had to pee really bad. i go to the bathroom and i sit down really fast so i felt a little pee get out before i sat (sorry if it’s tmi) but as i’m sitting i realize a wet spot on the lower part of my underwear and i start freaking out bc i know it’s pee but i’m asking myself what if i peed myself in my bed. so i felt my pants all over the inside and it wasn’t wet at all on my pants but i’m still scared. i showered and changed but now i’m asking myself what if i peed in my bed.. but what if i just peed a little on the way to the toilet bc i had to pee so bad i could barely hold it? does anyone else have this problem😞 i’m trying not to wash my bedding again bc i did like 3 times this week and i’m tired.