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I guess I'm seeking reassurance, but please tell me these horrible images are just the OCD and doesn't mean who I am

Hi all! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and possibly share your thoughts... I have had OCD for 50 years. Mostly magical thinking and scrupulosity. It has gotten better at times and at others, like now, it is unbearable. I'm supposed to take a very fun trip in January. I was very excited to plan. But when we were talking about flying, I started to have extremely scary thoughts and feelings in the pit of my stomach. Everything seems like an omen that I shouldn't go. Everything is planned and purchased. My husband would not understand me not wanting to fly. I have flown before, which makes this feeling I have seem so ominous. I can't shake it and everything that I do, I think is a sign even if it doesn't connect. What can I do? Has anyone felt this? I feel desperate...why would I feel like this? I hate my brain. I want this to just be OCD and not an evil sign of doom...I'm so, so sad and scared. I will take any advice from you friends... I'm so sorry if you have anything like this. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy...

Does anyone feel like their intrusive thoughts have given them PTSD? Im 5 months post partum. The intrusive thoughts started at 4ish months. I had harm thoughts about my baby and I swear sometimes they haunt me. The level of anxiety I felt during this time haunts me. Sometimes I feel like it just takes over my brain and I’m stuck thinking about it. How can I be a good mom if I was capable of having those thoughts? It sends me into a full body panic. I feel so overwhelmed by everything right now. 😫 I was doing so good for about a month and now I’m severely anxious again.

i’ve reduced the amount of times i wash my hands per day but i still find that i wash for a while. i’ve have up’s and downs. it can range from 3 minutes to as long as 20 minutes, it just depends on how dirty i feel the task was or if i get stuck in a loop. how would a person without these tendencies wash their hands under 2 minutes? also is it not necessary to wash under the nails every handwash? any help would be appreciated on how to stop with the counting.

Hey guys, so I’ve been having a really hard time lately. I struggled with harm OCD for about two weeks and it was really extreme to the point where I had to call my doctors and get appointments to get on medication and start therapy now just as I started therapy and I started medication but the harm OCD has calmed down. makes me wonder if I really need the medication and OCD therapy so then that causes anxiety. I also was told by my therapist that I have depression because I don’t have any desire to go out or do anything that I usually like to do right now. I’m on my way to go hang out with some friends that we’ve had plans for. I’ve been dreading it all day. I’ve been anxious about it and I am hitting a point where I’m so anxious about it. I am physically not feeling great does anyone else go through this? I’ve never been anxious about hanging out with my friends before or leaving my house before, but it came out of nowhere. Is this common?

I am super scared that this might not an ocd I was so confident that this was just T-ocd but after remembering some real events, i no longer know who i am 💔 i am super scared I do not want to change my life , i loved my life as a girl ( even if i am a true trans )

Hey guys. I’ve come to realise that a big barrier to accepting uncertainty about my orientation is being obsessed with “having a label”. That I MUST have a label. That, if I don’t, it means I’m in denial about something, or, I’m running away from the “truth” or whatever. I realise that I feel way less pressure when applying the “not labelling” technique, and just experiencing anything. It seems that my obsession with labels feels the same as when I was obsessed with the number on the scale (with anorexia). And that, if I didn’t know, it meant I was in denial of my weight, or that, it is required to know. Now that I have been in recovery for anorexia, and have practically recovered, I just don’t care what weight I am. As long as I am happy. Yes I prefer to be “slim” but that doesn’t mean that I HAVE to know if my weight is in a specific category. And also, that weight doesn’t define self worth, or happiness, or your entire health. When I was obsessed with the number on the scale, I felt as though everyone else was like that too, making me feel double required to know and be a certain weight, and ALWAYS be that way. Now, as I don’t care myself, and don’t know what I weigh, and that I just go off how I feel, I realise that literally know one cares themself. Or not to some unhealthy extent. And now I feel content in who I am, without having a number, aswell as zero pressure to fit into a box, because literally, know one cares. It’s just unnecessary, made up hassle that I believed was necessary. So I think that’s what’s going on with the label thing with orientation. Yes, it can be useful to quickly sum up your preferences, but, for us with hocd/so-ocd, it will only be used as a “certainty” that we must have. A requirement, an unhealthy tag. It doesn’t matter what I identify as now, I will just obsess anyway. Gay, bi, straight, asexual, etc. I will just use it as a box. A requirement that apparently “everyone else cares about and “knows more about than me””. The truth is, no one is walking around caring what “box” they fit into, they just experience their friggin atttactions, whatever they are. Our friends, our parents, our siblings, celebrities, whoever. Maybe some of us with hocd/soocd don’t care about labels, but for me, it’s a huge barrier and a huge “MUST”, and by getting rid of the must and just forgetting labels “whether that means I’m in denial or not” is far healthier, more useful, and causes no pressure to “be sure” and “know” and to “fit into a box”. I mean, think about why we were so “sure of ourselves” before hocd/soocd, we didn’t really CARE about the label anyway. We just experienced our attractions and, if “needed” use the best word to describe them. It wasn’t a daily, MUST. So, relieving that pressure, will help us to experience our normal selves again. And it feels good to me. It feels better than reading up on all different labels. Even if they may resonate in some way (possibly). I just obsess. And it’s unhealthy. Labels should be used healthily. And I am in no position to be looking at labels, like others with this disorder. Just like when I had anorexia, I was constantly weighing myself for over a year, and did I stop caring? No. I only stopped caring once I actually stopped caring and forgot about the number. It makes you live so much better. As I do now. My relationship with weight is literally perfect. No fear, no care, no urgency. I feel happy in regards to food, weight and size. Because I let go. Now, the anorexia treatment obviously was with a professional, and I haven’t got ocd treatment. But if I can stay as true to the post as I can, maybe that will relive a lot of issues, and maybe some of yours. Thank you for reading!! Hopefully this helps!! X

Hey guys. Me and my boyfriend broke up about a month ago. He told me not to contact him and that he wouldn’t contact me. I saw glimpses of him talking to a past lover on social media.. but who knows they could be friends.. idk. Still i realized i messed up with him, things ended badly and i wanted to start things back up. I went to target and someone asked for my number on the same day i realized this. Same field as i am entering, similar interests. I gave it to him.. but i later felt guilty. If my intention is to reach out to my ex.. how could i give this man my number? Is that not disrespectful… Well after some effort (a day or two after the target guy gave me his number) me and my ex started talking again. I waited until i had a break in classes because i knew it would be emotionally intense for me, and we decided it was for the best that we part ways.And during this time while we were getting that closure/ i was figuring things out i texted the dude from target and told him im freshly out of a relationship and there’s still alot of feelings still there so that id really just be looking for friends and he was ok with that, but a part of me always thought could it be possible to move on with him if my ex didnt want me back? I still wasnt sure if i wanted anything romantic with target guy or not.. I feel like i had him on the back burner and that i wasn’t being respectful to my ex by giving another guy my number even if we are broken up because my intention was still to get back with him. Now I’m being eaten up with guilt and am trying to figure out if I’m being too hard on myself or if i wasn’t being respectful.

If sitting with discomfort is the solution, why am I not comfortable with my house that I've been sitting in with discomfort for these past 3 or 4 years? I'm trying to trust the process, but I trust and wait and wait some more. It feels like a contractor that tells you a task will take 6 weeks, but 6 months later he's still there.

Make you feel like you actually do? I’ve always checked my feelings to try and find my “real” ones and now…when I check, my brain runs away with the thought and makes me feel like I’d actually enjoy hurting my dog. Please help.

I think someone i live with washed poopy pants in the washing machine. I found some small brown bits in the machine. And the day before there was shit in our toilet seat. What should I do. I don’t wanna wash my clothes there now. How would a person without OCD handle this.

Help please. I'm scared I love god so much that my mind is playing tricks on me making me think I'm the other way and I'm scared what if it's true what if I'm a bad person. I'm really scared I don't feel like I'm having a strong enough reaction to these thoughts what if there my thoughts. I'm scared

I keep flaring up lately because life is changing for me soon (moving in with my boyfriend and his family in October) and I just wanna know how are you guys getting through a flare? Will it ever get better/easier?? 😭😭 Rationally I know it does but rationality isn’t compatible with OCD ever 😭

Okay so, when I first started with ocd I was extremely scared and depressed because the thought of me even hurting my family made me sick and I would have anxiety, now 8 months pass I feel like, I have no emotion, I still get these thoughts, but I tell my brain “don’t think like that” but I don’t feel anything. Like i feel like I don’t have any love or connection with my family, and me having these thoughts, are like what if I actually do them? But that’s horrible because my family is such a loving family. I don’t feel nothing, I feel like I don’t have no empathy. But I hate having these thoughts. I don’t know what to do? What if I’m a psychopath?? Should I send myself to a mental hospital?? Is this normal ??

I have this constant feeling of needing 100 percent certainty in my relationship of being wanted physically and sexually by him. Plus also reassurance of if he still loves me.. it’s a loop!!!

Sorry if this is too long I just wanted to vent or express myself. There is some trigger warnings later on in this vent about sa sorda. I didn't give detail or anything. This is just a long vent. I just needed to vent out everything and I mean everything lmfao. But for the past 2 weeks or so I've been wondering about my sexuality. And at first I was wondering if I was having sexual orientation ocd or just actual desires or thoughts of me trying to figure it out. I'm 22, female. And I have a bf of 6 years now but 2 years ago I even questioned it for about a month and even came out to him sayinf I might be bi because there's this female celebrity who i think is so pretty and gorgoues. Almost in Zendaya level of pretty. Like just in awe and I joked around and even said i have a girl crush on her. I mean my mom has a girl crush on one of her actors but she likes steictly men. Idk but a lot of my friends who are females have like a girl crush of some celeberty. Anyways he said he was okay with it but he did think I was overthinking a lot maybe about this whole thing. Cause at the time he even asked me would I want to kiss a girl and he was like try saying it to me. And I couldn't even say it cause I was like I can't haha like it just wouldnt come out no matter how hard i tried. Like if i ever said I liked eating hot dogs, my bf would be in shock causs I won't like how they taste. So that's how it felt when I tried saying it . We're funny like that but he was being serious. Like he just wanted me to also figure it out too. I can't explain it. But he was there for me. And it went away eventually and I was like I don't think I'm bi anymore lol, cause I just only liked guys still at least in terms of my crushes of celebs and fictional characters. Anyways 2 years later struggling again, but now I feel like it has to be some type of sign that I must be on the bi spectrum. I have given thought that maybe I am afraid to kinda put a label or come out but I've always been open about things. And even my brother is gay and other family members in the lgbt. So lgbt stuff was never an issue in my family growing up really. But I guess sometimes I feel so overwhelmed of the fact I could be gay or bi but mainly gay. I don't think I am gay because my whole life I've had crushes on boys and celebs were boys and so on. I did find women pretty and attractive too but in a sense that like I know when someone is attractive if that makes sense. But when I think that I could be or may be gay I just get so much anxiety from it. Not that I think anything is wrong with being in the lgbt. But idk how to explain it. I guess the one thing that's really questioning me is when I was younger I unfortunately experienced things at a young age with a guy. And I'm sure you can see where I'm getting at. But I think I was kinda exposed to such things early on but also. I was like 8 and young and was always curious about bodies I guess. But as time went on and middle school came around I did look up women's n*ked bodies a lot. Like I think I did get aroused when I saw naked women or when I saw intimate scenes with a couple in a movie of something I looked up in. I would always look at the women more. I even had a crush on this anime girl and drew her n*ked cause I was just so into her body. I swear I'm not like a weirdo I'm just trying to express my thoughts. But anyways yeah I always just wanted to look at nudes of women online I guess and I would get nervous someone would find out. But more in a sense of I didn't wanna get caught looking up something inappropriate than someone thinking I'm gay if that makes any sense? But I'd like to also point out that I was only interested at like n*ked women but seeing regular women or whatever or growing up in school and such I never saw girls cute or had crushes on them or when I was in p.e. I would sometimes look at them when we changed but I was always just curious as well to see what they had too. I also use to be insecure about my breast and such since my moms side had small ones while my dad's side had big ones. So I was always like I wanted bigger breast haha. Sounds stupid I know but I was young. But once High School came along, I just stopped caring. I never had crushes on girls either too, like I'd find some pretty or whayeber or admire how they looked too and sure as a human if I saw a girl showing more skin my eyes would be more drawn into it. But in High school only had crushes on boys and I had friends who were openly bi and everyone in my band class was also gay, bi, lesbian and so on . My high school was very accepting of everything and everyone. Even had pride weeks at school. So in high school, if I suspected I was gay or bi I wouldn't have cared about coming out because oh how open everything was there and at my house. So I'm just very puzzled right now. In middle school I was curious about the women body a lot and such but I don't know if I was just curious of how my body will look or was actually attracted to women's bodies. I mean I like to say I was attracted to them I guess now that I think about it. Because it felt like a little secret. But I also would look at guys bodies too but there wasn't like much I guess haha. I mean sure I'd be curious of how guys private parts were but I don't really remember how I felt durning those. But I will admit I was so fixated on how my body will look growing up, like I'd literally be checking how much my body would grow and such and always fixated on myself. So yeah idk. But also during that time I only had crushes on guys and guy celebs and anime guys and so on. I mean recently like 2 months ago I was going ferral over this anime guy and such lol. But anyways I feel like crying because idk if it's cause I'm in denial of suppressing hidden feelings or desires or if I'm just so overwhelmed with who I am sexually. And what makes it kinda hard is that I'm pretty sure I'm asexual too now and when I thought I was asexual I actually was pretty okay with it and didn't give much thought into it. I qas like yeah seems about right or so. No ocd trigger. But when it comes to be possibly being gay or bi now it gives me so much distress. And now that I'm having these thoughts more, I keep only looking at women to test myself which I know is a compulsion but it doesn't help either that I do find women pretty aestically or attractive or beautiful. But sometimes it's also like wow she has nice eyes and I'll think I wish I had them too. But I'll notice how nice their body is and I'm like wow that's a nice body. I mean also too. If a woman has a "sexualize" body I do think like oh she has a sexy body cause you can see it I guess. Almost likw Jessica Rabbit, the cartoon she's literally drew like that on purpose cause she's a sexual icon. So yeah I think she's sexy but I don't think I had any feelings towards her. And I know people say like you won't know till you try but idk if I'm really down to it. But when I do see a fairly attractive guy I do think like oh do I look good? But not in a cheating way because I do have a boyfriend. But in a sense of being human I guess I already told him all this too so he knows. But when i see a pretty women at least recently or slightly attractive or whatever I think, now since I'm so fixated on it I get like nervous around then at work or something. Like today I saw a pretty girl but I would think would I wanna do such things with her? And I couldn't really give an answer. But when I think about being with a guy I could see me more holding hands and such . So I'm just confused right now haha. I really just needed to vent. I wss gonna write all of this down on my journal but I got lazy to do that haha. My bf tells me tho that straight women find women pretty and find them attractive too. But I just don't know what to think anymore. Most of my distress is because I have a bf I feel like super stressed out. Like I don't wanna disappoint him if I am gay?? He said he supports me with whatever I am and such. So that's nice to hear but idk. I always dreamed of us living together forever and all that fantasy stuff. But now since I'm so hyperfocused on this theme I just feel like I can't see a future with anybody. And I thought writing all of this down would make aomwthing click to me but it just keeps adding and adding to more confusion. Like I have said before like I think I'm bi, and I was like okay with it for awhile but then I just never looked at women lmfao. I was always crushing on my male characters or celebs and stuff and fan fics. So I was like I think I'm just straight. But this theme or hidden sexual orientation keeps coming back and I'm never sure and I know I probably won't be for a lil while. I have thought if I got with a women like maybe things would be okay? But I feel like I'd just wanna be with my bf at the end of the day or with a guy I think? But idk either obviously and I'm not really comfortable with experiencing. I've also had some type of bad experience with a girl back then ad well and when I would think of it, it would give me anxiety too. But at the time sure I wss like oh, okay I think I kinda liked it but it didn't feel right to me bevause I guess it wasn't consented and even after that I still was just into guys and never tried it again. So I've had bad experiences with both guy and girl growing up. So like I realllllllllt don't know for sure lmfao. I guess what I wanna say is I don't wanna be gay but I feel like me saying that makes it feel like that's the truth coming out secretly like maybe I am gay? And just afraid to admit it? And I have nothing against lgbt, It's more just me feeling lost cause this whole time in pretty sure i was straight my whole life. After all that middle school stuff with me looking up females, my device did get like frozen lmfao. But I was so panicked and afraid of what the techs would see when they fixed it. So after that I did stop looking at women's bodies (like at p*rn websites and stuff) cause I felt guilty I wss looking up inappropriate things. But high school came along and I'm pretty sure I have looked again but I just never got interested looking up that stuff. But now I'm like was it cause I felt guilty looking up inappropriate stuff or was I afraid of looking at women's bodies again? But I will never know cause I can't go back in time to check. But I genuinely do think it's cause I just liked guys more. I mean all my phone wallpapers and things were guys I had crushes on TV. But my cousin came out as bi back in middle school and you would think that would make me rethink my sexuality too but no. I was like that's cool, I support you. And never thought about liking women. So I can't tell if I ever had desires to be with women secretly or just always saw them in a sexualized way cause of how I portrayed women at the time? UGHHHHHHHGGHGGGG I'M JUST CONFUSEDDDDDDDD. I will say I still think womens bodies are just beautiful and more appealing to look at than guys. But for guys for me it's like if you have a nice looking face or shoulders or personality I get interested. Or like in shows I always just fangirled over the guys growing up. I mean my first crush was Eric from The Little Mermaid and Link from the Zelda franchise also Inuyasha and L from death note, and Ichiago and Sora if you know who those are haha ( i grew up with brothers so some of my crushes were video game guys lmfao) . And then I remember seeing Edward Scissorhands when I was a kid, Johnny Depp was like my first human crush and had a crush on Jack sparrow and so on. And for example, I had a crush on Chris Evans in fantastic 4 and so on I can name even Jensen Ackles he was a really big one in middle school for me and High school. But whenever I did see a scene where two actors got intimate I'd always look at the woman's body more, like sure I'd see the guy but I was looking at how she looked. But I always had the crush on yhe male lead so I guess that's why I'm so confused? And even in fictional characters I had crushes on like in games and stuff never cared for the girls either. So that's why I'm so puzzled. Like how can I look at all that stuff in middle school and whatever. But growing up I was always just having crushes on all these guys cause I thought they were so cute and perfect????????????? SORRY FOR THIS BEING SO LONG I JUST NEEDED TO VENT. Another think I feel like I'm afraid of loosing my bf too one day cause of how I am or if I turn out to be something else. So yeah. I'm just a mess right now and I just wanted to write my thoughts onto something. Sorry it's so messy and all over the place, that's just how my brain is at the moment. And for clarification, I support the lgbt community, it has nothing against me not liking the community. I just feel confused as to who I am sexually and who I am as a person now. I get very nervous for the future all the time so I just never know obviously. Thanks for taking the time to reading this whenever made it to the bottom of this messy thread. You don't have to comment if you don't want to, I just wanted to vent onto something and writing this physically would've made me lazy lmfao. Thanks again for anyone who does reply of just takes the time to read. I'm not looking for an answer really, I just idk. I just wanted to express how I've been feeling and yeah...

I feel like opening up about something. I would wake up everyday not knowing what to do in life. I have no motivation to talk with friends, or I would isolate myself from family, because I don’t want to be awkward around anybody and I just don’t think I’m that interesting to be around. I would be mean to myself in anyway possible. I once went to the comfort of my childhood and I would roleplay as characters of my childhood. But now I feel myself growing up and becoming an adult, and I’ve been experiencing grief of no longer being in my childhood. Having freestyle fun with my friends and family was the best I’ve ever felt. But now it’s all gone now. Now I’m stuck with feeling not open minded to anything and thinking that no one cares about me, I won’t have fun or be happy anymore, and I’m a nobody. I would even have scary thoughts about “Doing it” but I’m never planning to. I just feel like there is nothing to do anymore and I shouldn’t look back on the great childhood I had.

Instead I’m belittled and insulted when I don’t meet their standard. I know I can’t drive, I’m terrified and my OCD makes it even worse. But instead of being encouraged so I feel confident that bough to try it out, I get yelled and screamed at about how I’m a baby and not a real adult and that I need to face reality. Like it’s the worst parenting job ever, what the hell. Now I want to drive even less because I feel even less confident about myself. My dad yells at me because he sees my recluse tendencies and never stops to consider that maybe his belittling is why I never even try. Because I don’t even feel a single shred of hope in myself.

Do you think one day in recovery they’ll be a day I don’t think about the fact I even have ocd?

I have never dated anyone bc of the fear that ocd would flare up too much and cause problems but this time i have taken a leap of faith and thought to myself that whatever ocd is gonna throw my way I will deal with it cause that's what I should be doing cause I can't not do anything in my life. What are your tips to when my ocd flares up due to me dating