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My boyfriend kust told me that I’m putting us througj hell. My rocd is finally kust ruining everythimg I fucking hate mydelf I cant fo tjis anymroe Who do I go to? All my relationships are gone now

I try and read/post on this message board at least every now and then as a way to feel connected to people in the OCD community, and to offer whatever kind of advice my experience has taught me, because I don’t think any human should have to struggle with OCD. I wanted to share that since starting clomipramine, my symptoms have become a lot less severe. I was hesitant to try this medication even though my dr has suggested it because it’s an older antidepressant, so it comes with more side effects. For me, that’s been issues urinating and when I first started a really odd feeling when I yawned (like, the heck?). And then a specific spinal reflex that is not appropriate to mention was physically impossible for about a month, but I’ve regained some ability there…. But the side effects for me are 100% worth it given how much it’s helped me. I can walk away from obsessive thoughts / behaviors without going nuts or having to perform some other ritual just to walk away lol. I can put thoughts out of my mind more easily, let them go, and move on. It’s like a switch. I still struggle, but I still don’t think the medicine is fully effective just yet, and I just have a lot more hope for the potential of a normal life now. Or like, a functional one at the least. So if you’re currently out of luck and haven’t tried this medicine yet, I recommend giving it a shot. I take 75mg right now and think I may need to increase some, but even now it’s helping so much. Don’t let dosage increases scare you, the side effects will taper back down… I hope this helps someone.

Since two days ago, I’ve had this new theme spiraling in my head. I have two cats and I recently just had a fear of getting r*bies (I’m scared to type it). It’s stupid, I know. I haven’t been scratched, bitten or anything of that sort, but I’m terrified that I could get it or that I have it, even though nothing happened. My cats are indoor, and we they are two years old, we are going to get them their shots soon (they had been up to date when we got them, but it’s been about a year). There’s no animals or anything and we don’t let them outside but there’s still that ‘what if.’ I don’t want to touch my cats and I’ve been monitoring myself every second I can. I wash my hands a lot more and I have such extreme anxiety and sensations that I can’t sleep at night (which worsens my anxiety because that’s a symptom of it.) please if anyone can help me or has gone through this, how can I calm down from this?😖😖

Does anyone experience delusional type thoughts? Like you know deep down you don’t believe them, but you still feel such anxiety about them or keep thinking them you think you might actually believe them or think them true? For example, my main theme is harm related and is usually always towards my mom. We have a very close relationship and I consider her my best friend. A few months ago, I had the thoughts “what if my mom tries to hurt me?” Or “what if my mom is secretly a serial killer and I’m unaware of it?” Those thoughts caused me intense anxiety, where I even had the urge to barricade my door thinking she might come in to hurt me or call the cops on her. I of course never did those things, but the panic I felt at those thoughts and the wanting to flee or do something about them was intense. My mom is one of the kindest people on this planet who loves me dearly. I shared all of this with her and she knows I have OCD, so she understands. It went away for a few months, but yesterday went back into therapy and was telling what types of thoughts I have had before and after I mentioned these specific ones, I believe they kind of “re-triggered” for me. Now I’m ruminating on them again, even though I haven’t had them for several weeks. I guess my main concern is thinking these types of thoughts are too bizarre for OCD and actually a sign of something else, like Schizo or Psychosis. A fear I’m going crazy and going to lose control. I’m concerned I will actually believe these thoughts 100% and hurt my mom in some kind of act to protect myself. It sounds crazy writing all of this and again, I know deep down I don’t believe these things (although I then doubt if I actually do or not lol), but OCD makes everything seem so real and true sometimes. It will truly make you obsess about anything. Thank you for reading all of this! I really needed to vent.

I have been having horrible anxiety and can’t sleep or rest. Do any have suggestions for getting rest while dealing with this.

Im not sure if this makes sense or is very common as i have never read or heard about anyone experiencing this. Ill try to give brief summary about whats going on. About 2 months ago i began to be super anxious about a medication i may start thats unrelated to mental health but has the possibility to cause sexual side effects such as low libido and ED. I have not actually started the medication, am 20 years old, have high testosterone, high muscle mass, lift weights 5x a week, sleep decently (besides anxiety), eat well, and have always had a HIGH libido, sometimes too high in my opinion. After beginning to worry so much about sexual side effects i think i actually gave myself a bit of psych ED even though i didnt switch a single thing in my life, thats thankfully gone away and ive told myself its psychological and because im worrying, but now i find myself having lower libido. Im constantly analyzing my sexual feelings and and still terrified of ED and libido stuff and i think its been making me want to be avoidant of anything related to sex. This mixed with ROCD and other anxieties has not been amazing. I think me worrying about libido and ED has caused damage to this area of my life and i dont really know how to get out of it. Please let me know if anyone has had any similar experiences.

I feel so bad right now, I feel like I’m back being in a dark place, I feel so convinced that I am attracted to these things like I genuinely feel like I am, and that it makes me agree with it, because it feels so strong… I don’t want to do this anymore, I can’t deal with this anymore, I’m getting in a dark place, I tried to see if my therapist was available and she hasn’t been available since September 17th, before my breakup, before my OCD got even worse. I feel like shit right now and I don’t know why to do anymore, I just want the pain to end so bad… I just don’t wanna fight anymore, I’m not trying to imply anything bad, but like genuinely give up. I just can’t handle any sort of photo of a kid anymore.

I didnt wanted to post about this but it makes me really sad right now. This post will be about Christianity so if you believe in something else dont read it cause i will mention things that might trigger you. Im struggling with my faith right now and i feel like christianity might be the same like other religions and beliefs. I wont come with the "if theres a God prove it, i want Him to show up" thats ignorant, but i think about some things that keeps me stuck. Before christianity i was really desperate to find the meaning of life so i read about spirituality. Alot of people believe in that and live a peaceful life, cause that thinking makes you have positive behaviours cause they found a meaning. We say other religions are false things but then we say ours is true cause "we feel like its true". So its all about how you feel. Back then i just couldnt relate to spirituality and i found people who were liars and strange people, but we know christians can be that too, so i left spirituality cause it didnt made me feel good. But maybe if i wouldve stayed there and learn more, it generates the same feeling as i have now towards God and now i would say thats the truth cause i feel at peace and that im loved. Many spiritual people feel that, without christian beliefs. Non believers too realized a long time ago that self love is so important. So the problem is that i can never explain why do i believe, i always say "cause i feel that its real" well, if i would be so desperate to pray to a cat God and make myself believe everything I have is from that cat i would feel like its true. So my faith is about how i feel... which can be easily manipulated. And many times people said to me "its just a view, it makes you happy cause youre afraid that life doesnt bavw a meaning" and now i kinda feel like it can be true. Many will say faith is relational, but i can make that relation to anything, as is said if i think theres a big cat somewhere who loves me it can become relational... and then where all this ends it sounds like well God is with us but he doesnt do anything to intervene, you might now feel Him, we dont have any evidence, in the end of the day you just have to trust theres someone who will give you something after this horrible life. And that sounds like you want to give meaning to life. Maybe i didnt got the answers from the best christians, but it sounds to me like you jjst have to trust theres someone out there, and that belief will make you happier... But its the same with every other religion tho... Native americans believed in many Gods and it gave them meaning and a happy peacefull life. But we say thats false... why? Isnt our belief the same? I hope i get some loving anwers, cause im not trying to ruin anyones belief, im just struggling with my faith.

I really just need to vent. I recently had a relapse and while some days it seems like I’m feeling better, others are so difficult. Today, I’m breaking down at work in the bathroom and I feel so awful about that. Aside from the really scary thoughts I’m having about my health and my family members, I’m starting to feel really hopeless about the future. Like I’m never going to get better and that I’m going to get stuck in this ocd cycle forever. I know that’s not true because I’ve been able to make progress before, but the desperation and frustration that comes with a relapse make it so hard to remember that. I started medication and it’s only been about 3 days but I’m really scared that it’s not going to work or that I’m going to have to go through a lot of trial and error. I just really need to hear from people who have worked through their health ocd. I need hope.

I experience a few different sup-types… I would say introspectively the most noticeable is Somatic OCD followed by Harm and Contamination. I have been in therapy for 11/12 years… pretty consistently. I heard about this app through some ads, and some friends and family started suggesting I try it. This is my first time using it. I previously did not realize I had OCD. At some point when I was around 16 I thought OCD could be the thing I was experiencing. The understanding of OCD in my general circle of people was limited. When I introduced the possibility of having OCD to others, I was met with the idea that I could not have OCD because I had always been disorganized and “messy”. Otherwise, I was introduced to the concept of “Pure” OCD- which wasn’t entirely fitting for me. I didn’t know, until today, that Somatic OCD was the word for what I was experiencing… along with a few other subtypes that I learned about today. Within the past couple of years I’ve come to realize that I experience symptoms of OCD. I have also come to realize that there is a strong pattern of a variety of OCD subtypes on the paternal side of my family. On the maternal side there is (sparse, compared to paternal side) history of Hoarding Disorder- which I know the DSM now classifies as its own condition within the OCD spectrum. TW: This is the part where I discuss personal symptoms, memories, and behaviors with some detail. Today while filling out the questions for this app— it really ‘sunk-in’ for me that I have been experiencing Somatic OCD for as long as I remember. I can’t say I can pin-point where it started… but I can say one of my earliest, seemingly-random, memories is being 5 years old- In Kindergarten Music Class. We were watching a movie and I suddenly became aware of my breathing. I felt like I wasn’t breathing, but I was getting oxygen… because I wasn’t feeling out of breath. I was very anxious as a child so I cannot recall if in this moment breathing awareness caused anxiety. I do remember thinking (with the vocabulary I had at the time) that it was maybe a cool thing? To breathe without breathing- is this something everyone can do? I’ve always experienced Magical Thinking as well. I also remember being anxious, as a young child, after I learned that we expel CO2 when we breathe out. I was very anxious to breathe in “stale-air” thinking it could harm me. This interacted with Harm symptoms where I obsessively worried about intentionally suffocating myself although I didn’t desire to. As I think back, I remember some of my earliest memories are of me trying to “even-out” some of my body-feelings. If I was playing with a textured toy for a few seconds in one hand, I’d have to switch it to the other until the feeling was the same in both hands. Many times this lead to me counting seconds while holding things, and continuing the ritual until I was inevitably distracted or re-directed. Other early memories of mine include me thinking I could control the weather with my mind. I was very worried that I would accidentally summon a tornado by wishing for it with a passing thought. I would spend hours staring out the window thinking “I don’t, I don’t, I don’t…” hoping that if I accidentally made the wish it would be preceded by negating it. I’m sharing this to cope with the “sinking-in” of it all. I’m looking back at these experiences with a “neutral” lens in the sense that I’m trying to be mindful of feeling triggered, and allow myself to sit with feelings that come up and observe them without trying to push feelings and thoughts away. Obviously it’s a balancing act because I don’t want sitting with my feelings to turn into sitting “in” my feelings and ruminating. Typing things out is helpful for me- I understand my thoughts and feelings better when I hear or read them back. A lot of feelings have come up for me in a short time since downloading this app and filling out the survey. I feel sad for my current, moreover my former and child-self. I feel bummed in general that our understanding of mental-health is/has been limited— I feel bummed that OCD is sneaky like that… Nearly 12 years of therapy, and the reality of experiencing OCD was just so normal to me that I didn’t notice it enough to share. I feel bummed that I didn’t previously have the vocabulary or the skills to be honest and speak about what I was experiencing with consistent detail. I feel sad for my parents and their parents and siblings who experienced similar things. It’s hard sometimes to allow myself to identify “feelings” (emotions) without thinking I’m over-processing it. Like I said, fine line. I do struggle to identify and sit *with* the feelings so it is something I inevitably have to do. So yeah. It’s just kind of wild to think this has been going in for SO LONG. I feel a relieved, having processed it a bit. So I’ll close out and re-direct myself now as this has been a long reflection moment.

No I'm not asking for reassurance (though to be honest maybe I am) I'm trying to understand if what I'm doing are compulsions and if they are I will try to keep them at bay. 1. I repeatedly say words like "Stop!" "No!" And "I'd never do X and so" answering my thoughts so they stop 2. I ruminate and review every interaction I have going over my actions and the reason I did them and to be honest my mind just goes up trying to convince me what I did was bad and everyone just hates me 3. I count up to 4 and repeat. 4. I have tics. I jolt. Spasm put my arms up in a defensive position and even push the air when the stress gets to a breaking point. As well I hug myself I feel comfort in that. 5. I avoid triggers specially if I feel the impending doom from them. Funnily enough sometimes I do stare at the trigger just to make sure nothing bad is going to happen.

Trying to ignore my thoughts but it feels like they are only coming at me more now😭 im just at a loss i dont know what to do

Hi everyone, I am 23 and my ex boyfriend is 24. I was broken up with at the beginning of September after a 4 year relationship with someone I adopted a dog with and lived with. We were each other’s first everything and I thought this was the person I was going to marry. I was completely blindsided and the reasoning I got was “I’ve been thinking about this for awhile. I am not emotionally mature enough to handle the stress of my life and also be in a relationship supporting you. I don’t communicate my feelings or needs well. I hold in my stress and it leads to me building resentment towards you and taking it out on you, which isn’t fair.” It’s important to know that since June, I’ve been dealing with Harm OCD and Relationship OCD that I got back into therapy to treat. I was doing my best to be self reliant but I definitely was scared and asked my boyfriend to be home more and spend more quality time with me while I work through this period of anxiety. I made sure to let him know that even though I was dealing with something scary, I wanted him to open up and let me support him with his stress too because it’s just as important as mine. He always told me “don’t worry about me, I’m good. Let’s get you right.” Even when I told him I was scared he’d run because of my anxiety, he told me he wasn’t going anywhere and to focus on myself. Apparently, he lied. I have since moved out of our apartment and back in with my parents. And I am keeping our dog. Since we’ve had to un-intertwine our lives these last few weeks, I wasn’t able to go no contact with him. Because of this, it led to me initiating several conversations asking questions about why this was happening, when he started feeling this way, why he didn’t give us a chance to work through problems, etc. I believe my OCD was having a hard time with the unknown and uncertainty because I was (and still am) in shock that this is my reality. I had this insatiable need to understand why and how this was happening and his vague non-answers only made me more confused and upset. Because I asked so many questions and wanted to understand this, he got pushed farther and farther away. Now he just wants nothing to do with me. He has started being mean and has emotionally shut down. He went from “I need to work on myself and then go from there. Maybe in the future this will work out…” to “I think we should both move on. I don’t know how much clearer I can make it.” I genuinely don’t recognize him anymore. I am trying not to blame myself and my OCD for pushing conversations and asking questions, but what did he expect? That he’d just end our relationship, blindside me, and I’d walk away without any desire to understand why? If anyone has experienced heart break after a long term relationship, and if part of the reason for the break up was due to needing support with mental health, how did you not blame yourself? I know his inability to support me though a hard time reflects on him, not me. But I am still really struggling to be okay. I feel like if I hadn’t fallen into this period of anxiety and OCD, none of this would have happened. Please leave advice on how to move forward, how to survive no contact, and how to not blame myself and my mental health for the downfall of my relationship. Thank you

So I know it’s complicated but I have real event ocd that was caused by me remembering something I did in childhood I have intrusive thoughts about really everything pocd, harm, relationship I have intrusive thoughts and images, now im getting through the intrusive thoughts I just let them pass by because I know the feeling will go away eventually but when I have the images I freak out a lot more, that’s because I always had a very detailed imagination and I definitely blame that on maladaptive daydreaming and unhealthy amount in my life which in therapy I’m now realizing that I did that as a trauma coping mechanism, I didn’t live life I just daydreamed while listening to music for literally 8hours a day it effected me paying attention in school I already have ADHD, and having a hard time paying attention to anything because I ended up doing it all the time, before OCD it didn’t seem like a problem that was my escape, I’d daydream I was a pop star or a movie star while listening to music and it all felt real but now since I have ocd I have intrusive images if while I daydream so I stoped daydreaming, and the worst part is that they arnt even just “images” it’s me daydreaming causing harm or really messed up things iv seen in the past, I have no peace, when I spoke with my therapist she said if I started to daydream harmful things crumble them up in my head and throw them away which has been working, but I’m just concerned because people don’t really have that like I do with OCD and some people are like yeah you don’t daydream about these harmful things because that is you making it up in your head or if they daydream it actually helps them but it’s the opposite for me, I don’t know if I do this on purpose to check if I like these thoughts or even more punishment or a compulsion I just don’t know and it’s effected my sex life because I will daydream about my bf and then something taboo pops in my head and instead of Envisioning sexual thoughts with my partner I’m envisioning sexual things with the taboo stuff and it makes me feel like I am all of these awful things with the POCD and harm and people are like you just have to not pay attention and just be in the moment but I don’t know how to do that, most of my life iv been in my head that’s how I even get turned on in the first place fantasizing about my partner with no worries, now if I do I’m like am I attracted to children and my brain will check to see by popping up kids in my head and I’m very detailed innapropriate ways how am I ever going to get rid of this? How can I ever live a normal life? And even WANT to be sexual again if my brain keeps checking if I’m a pedo or want to harm animals and ect I know I’m not any of those things but my brain doesn’t believe it. I seriously don’t know what to do

I’ve been diagnosed with ocd but sometimes I think I’m faking or I don’t actually, but idk if that’s the ocd tricking me or if it’s true

I’m going on vacation to Vegas in a month. But my OCD thoughts are getting worse & im freaking out that they will ruin my trip. How will i deal with this

Lately, I’ve been avoidant of prayer. A lot of fear comes with it for me lately. Fear I don’t deserve it, fear I’m doing it wrong, fear I’ll say the wrong thing or damage my salvation in some way, fear God will think I’m fake, etc. But, if I avoid praying because I’m afraid, I’m afraid then that God is mad at me for not praying, or that it means I don’t have a good enough relationship with him. If I was a better Christian, I’d pray more. It’s a vicious cycle, because then I feel even more guilt and worry about prayer. Like, I’m scared God will think I’m full of it, or I don’t love him, because I go days without praying at times.

i feel like getting on this app is a compulsion, but it brings me so much comfort knowing there’s people out there like me. and knowing i’m not alone

Does anyone notice they change clothes after they either touched something that brings anxiety or are in a situation that brought anxiety in.....even if yours clothes were not touched? This happens to mr and it gets exhausting and I change clothes more often than I need yo. I have been trying not to change clothes if they are not dirty. I am trying to sit with it for a while. How long does it take before your brain stops telling you to change clothes or do the compulsion you do?

I just feel so lonely with my thoughts. I want someone to sit next to me for hours so we talk and I cry and I open up fully. I tried therapy but it just isn’t enough. I am extremely scared that I lose my mind any second and not be able to function normally like be hospitalized for the rest of my life. I can’t anymore. It’s too hard. I cannot open up because my thoughts and concerns are all sexual like about my sexual orientation or if I want to have threesome or what happens after and should I do it or not. I have this urge to ask my 23 yo sister about it but deep down I am afraid she would not understand me and judge me. it’s so scary to live my life. I am zoned out all the time. I am tired and scared and lonely and stuck. I cannot get anything done.