Welcome to
the NOCD Community

How does one do erp for magical thinking?

it feels like a monster crawling into my skin. like this unwanted feeling & thought. anytime I see a trigger, my brain does the honor to torture me. it’s like I’m trapped. locked in place. and you can’t do anything about it when it comes. you want it to go away but it eats at you. you’re sure you aren’t what you fear. but each exposure makes you rethink. and the cycle begins. what the fuck even is real or fake??? shit feels real to me. I hate it. it causes so much stress. shame. it’s like my brain forces me to. I don’t want it anymore. I want to go back to the way I was. before all of this took over. I want to rest.

Ive tried to remain uncertain about this... I really tried... Im so depressed... and I feel alone... theres no hope... My pocd keeps saying that my worst fear of unknowingly cybering with a minor has actually happened and it's really triggering the hell out of me... I feel so horrible...My pocd keeps saying I "unknowingly erotically role played with a minor" when idek if this actually happened or not... this was nearly three years ago... (september of 2021) for context we were erotically role playing on an 18+ discord server, (she wasnt verified, but I assumed she was 18+ because we were on an 18+ place) and then she suddenly stopped responding, before leaving the server shortly after an unknown time... im so freaking anxious and scared... her grammar was fine at first, but then as we were going on, she kept making errors like "boxer" or "then" instead of "than"... my pocd keeps saying that I "UNKNOWINGLY EROTICALLY ROLEPLAYED WITH A MINOR" when idek if this happened or not... some people told me she sounds like/is a young adult... chatGPT tells me she sounded like a teenager... I genuinely dont know what to believe anymore... (these two photos are from her account, and the beginning of our ERP... I hope she wasnt a teenager... I really hope she wasnt...)

Basically last night when i was rummaging i searched up childhood signs someone was a lesbian and today i was with my boyfriend and he saw it and asked me about it and i had to come up with an excuse but now im starting to think that he actually thinks im a lesbian and i dont want him to leave me but what if i am a lesbian and im denying it?? Im so scared and confused

I can’t stop obsessing over something my boyfriend said!! I know it was just a joke but my ocd latched onto it. It wasn’t important but now my thoughts are racing, like would other people accept what he said? Would a good person say this? Did he say a bad thing? I’m so confused and I can’t keep living like this! I can’t control what others say, people are always going to say things and I want to be able to let them go because when it happens, I spiral and then can’t relax and everything’s ruined. I struggle to look at the bigger picture of things, and think if someone says one bad thing, that makes them a bad person. How can I help myself in the moment when things like this happen? Please could I have some advice!!!

I stayed home from school today, I couldn’t do it. It was all too much. From the moment I open my eyes it’s back into a labyrinth of torture. I wish I had my old theme back. At least with Harm OCD I didn’t feel this lost. My mind is in a constant state of panic. So much so I can’t eat without throwing up. And my head hurts from thinking so hard. I want to sleep. Sleep for a while. Escape this pain. I wish I was like other kids my age. I wish I could find joy in my youth. I fear the past, the present, and the future. How am I supposed to live like that. My own mind convinces me i’m different than what I am. Whether that be me being a murderer or transgender. I miss being a kid, when everything was simple, and free. Now i’m in highschool dealing with OCD. I don’t go out, I stay home because I panic more when i’m away from my family. What’s the point? Why do I keep fighting if it will never end? There’s no cure.. it can only be managed. What’s a life like that? How is that worth fighting for? I don’t even know who I am anymore. I feel like a stranger. My mind constantly cycling what ifs and scenarios. Does it ever get better? I used to be so optimistic, I used to find light in everything.. Every corner of life. I was always told I was a ray of sunshine. Now i’m dull, hallow, and empty. OCD is torture. It has taken everything from me. My happiness, my identity, and my enjoyment. What do I do? Where do I go? Does God even hear me?

I feel like no one cares about me... Im struggling in college and it just feels like I cant catch a break... Ive made bad choices that make me a bad person... I have to be uncertain about worst case POCD scenarios that may or may not have happened unknowingly... I genuinely dont feel like any one cares about me... and if I pass away, ill be laughed at and forgotten by everyone... Im alone with no gf, barely any friends, and I cant even be certain that my POCD fears of unknowingly cybering with a minor did or didnt happen... im stuck in hell...

Did anyone ever had the though "I just wanna be normal" and got super scared cause that's exactly whay someone in denial would say? You know the word "normal" it sounds like a clasic story of someone represing something, I swear I barely had this though, I think I had it just twice in all this time.

Hi Im a 15 year old girl and about a month ago i started having these toughts about harming myself and other people. It was verry draining for me so thats why me and my friends stayed toghether for a week and have fun. Now i started having it again and i cant help but think im a pysochapth. Today I started breaking down and i dont know what to do. Are these the since of OCD or is something really wrong with me? Please help.

I'm not trying to self diagnose here I'm just reflecting on a thought (maybe this is a compulsion?) that has been driving me crazy My mind went on a loop telling me "ok what If you don't have OCD and you are just lying? It means your thoughts are true!" When in reality even if a person doesn't have OCD it doesn't automatically invalidate their intrusive thoughts or the suffering they are going through. So let's go recently I talked to my mother about my concerns on having OCD and she explained to me when I was a teen I used to do weird stuff that seem like compulsions and I remembered I used to go through and back from the doorframe a number of times until I "did it right" or when I had to have my things arranged a certain order. I had to have my clothes tucked and wear them a certain way. Even in school I had to sit a certain way and I would freak out and try to "fit" my chair until it felt right. It's herd to explain but I was also a simmetry freak? I was really bothered when I saw a light bulb inclined even slightly. How the Sewing of my clothes or even the seat of my dad's car were "not right" in a way I used to run my fingers through them just to get some relief. My actions had a certain rhythm to them. I had relief by tapping my fingers on a surface two times and stop and start again in this rhythm. So this makes me bothered I think I might tell this to the specialist next week. It still happens but as I grew up it seemed to have disappeared and changed themes. Am I making sense to you guys? Sorry for the long post.

Pls pls help me…and if you have even 5 mins give it a read maybe.., i am posting after a while as life came hard and fast to me so i have been dealing with ocd for about 5 years now with different subtypes from health to suicidal to homosexual seen quite a lot and now idk if this is rocd or not but i need a little help… so i was on and off with this one guy for a long time lets say 2 years and never was in a relationship though and had intense feelings for him but he never committed as such so it never happened and i thought of him to be my TWIN FLAME.. cause he always came back and left and came back again but nothing happened still and i changed cities for my higher education and finally met a great guy and someone who i could finally open up to and fell hard for while this other guy started to fade away always knew the soft spot would remain but rest faded because i love someone else now and my recent guy has a girl bestfriend he is close to and they never did anything but he told me before he met me and after his breakup with his ex he thought his bestie and he could have something but he shut them down completely when we got serious. Yesterday this guy i thought of as my twin flame or whatever came back after 4 months of no contact and i handled the situation well and told him i was with someone else and everything and that i was happy as well but a part of me was sad he didn’t do what he is now maybe a few months ago cause then we could be together but nevertheless i am happy where i am now since then my brain has been thinking a few things like my how i dont want to do anything but my current boyfriend what if he went with his bestie behind my back and i left him and went to this other guy to see if there’s a chance but then if i am even thinking so means i want it and i am being selfish and its not like rocd intrusive thoughts cause doesn’t feel so but actually wanting to do it otherwise why would i consider it and be thinking about it so much and maybe even lie to my boyfriend about it? He leaves me first so i dont have to but if i think like that means i want and i am combating guilt and regret and being selfish but if i am okay with him leaving cause then i think i get to be with this other guy means i do and i am lying to him and if thats what i want what am i doing and if its playing in my head thats not okay and i am with him cause selfish and i am scared he would leave but okay with him fucking up and leaving so that i get that chance but if i want it at all means i want him and this is a safety option and not what i truly want and i am lying to my boyfriend? if i am okay with him leaving and would go to kar that means it already in my head and what i want i just want him to do that so i go without regret thats toxic and selfish and if i already feel like this that means its true and i feel nothing for my boyfriend? what am i doing with him and then just there until he fucks up and i leave and if thats what i want then i already dont want him or know so and not like intrusive ocd thinking but actually thinking and possibility and if i am okay with that that means no feelings for the current guy i am selfish and toxic and just not a good person but not saying truth cause also scared and want to keep around but thats not okay and not ocd and just i know not ocd just thinking and if hoping for it even tiniest thats pathetic he loves me and i love him so why do i think so and do i even love him of one ex coming back can make me think this and question and will be okay even the tiniest bit with what i thought?!? Idk if i am even anxious i am writing this normally so its true thoughts and not ocd and i know so so its cant be also which means i am wrong and selfish and not right?

A month ago, we went to my sister’s place. There, I took care of a kitten. The day after I started taking care of it, the kitten died. We returned from my sister’s place three weeks ago. Three days ago, I went to the doctor, and the doctor told me that I had been bitten by ants or fleas. As a precaution, the doctor gave me two things. I am using them, but because of my OCD, this process is even harder for me. Now I need to go shopping, and my OCD tells me that if I shop incorrectly, I will never get rid of the fleas. It also tells me that if fleas jump onto my cleaning supplies and I use those supplies again, the fleas will infest me again. I have difficulty closing the lids of my cleaning supplies because I’m afraid that if the lids stay open, or even slightly open, they will lose their effectiveness. On top of that, I stay in a dormitory for university, which makes everything even harder. Sometimes I think that I will never be able to get rid of the fleas, and I’m afraid I’ll never be free of them. Other times, I wonder if I ever actually had fleas.

Does anyone go over their false memory and decide yes it didn’t happen and then two seconds later think oh but what if it is real and then mime their false memory again?

I have a fear now of lying even if it's a white lie and I can't differentiate the truth.

Just wanted to vent and also leave my experience here just in case someone is going through the same. My fear of having schizo or psychosis led me into having intrusive thoughts that I will start hearing voices and stuff like that so suddenly I became super sensitive to every little sound, checking if I heard something or not. When I hear little sounds that I can’t really recognize (like something outside) it gives me a mini panic attack for the first second bc I think “was this sound real? Am I hallucinating now?” Then I try to shake it off as I know I am not, it’s just my ocd really tricking me and I get this bad anxiety with the uncertainty 😭 I also repeat sounds in my head maybe as I compulsion? I don’t really know. It gets better when I’m paying attention to something else and I forget about it but right before sleep is being such a pain, I get sleepy but I get scared of going to sleep and all the thoughts that pop up are distressing. I’m not doing ERP yet but if anyone here that has had the same experience can recommend a therapist from NOCD for me I’d appreciate it! I know it will help me with this theme. I still have harm OCD here and there but not nearly as distressing as this theme is for me and I know that’s why it sticks around. This sucks. I’m glad we have this app though and I am glad we can relate to each other here. OCD is isolating. I can’t really talk to anyone in my life about this because I am scared of how they would react. Stay strong everyone 🥹🥺❤️

Hi ! Recently I’ve been washing and sanitizing my hands so much to the point that my hands are completely red, cracked, fighting feeling sometimes, and it’s painful. I’m trying to work on not washing and sanitizing so much but it’s hard. Any advice is appreciated ! And if anyone has any suggestions as to products to use to help my hands heal I would really appreciate it !!

may be triggering to people with health anxiety or health related intrusive thoughts so i’ve been dealing with some pretty intense health anxiety & health related intrusive thoughts for around 2 or so months now. as i’ve been learning more about ocd, doing more (controlled) research & talking to some therapists, i’ve been learning how to handle it a lot better than before, which i’m extremely happy about. i used to basically panic all hours that i was awake because i was so obsessed with my body and the random sensations i felt, and while those thoughts are very much still there, it Is easier to handle. the only problem is, i still kinda struggle with getting my mind fully off of those thoughts. see, i can continue to do my daily activities or continue to talk to friends/family just fine now without panicking or shutting down while attempting to figure out the issue, but the thoughts are still There and i still find myself going back to them. its like i’m trying to put them in the back of my head, but instead they just go to like the middle of my head and its still…quite annoying. i know i can’t rush this, i mean its only been a month after all and i’m doing it alone (i can’t contact my therapist atm), but i just wish i could get myself to fully stop thinking about it. it feels like my main issue is that i still have that ‘what if it Is something bad’ feeling y’know? like if i feel a pain in my chest or something, after thinking about it for a second, i usually dismiss it as stress or acid reflux (i suffer from acid reflux & sometimes my meds don’t fully work). but a little while later, my mind will think ‘well what if it’s something to worry about this time? what if you’re suffering from something terrible and you don’t know it since you won’t look it up or ask about it?’ and those thoughts just keep coming and coming until it gets harder to push them away. i just wish i knew how exactly to get that What If question to not be a problem. i know i don’t have any chronic health issues that would cause me to worry about stuff like little tiny chest pains or dizziness, but my brain just can’t help but feel like What If I Do Have Something Wrong? idk its just frustrating. this was more of a rant than anything, but i guess if anybody has any pointers on how to better handle those intrusive thoughts & how to push them to the back of my head, i’d be happy to hear. TLDR: my health anxiety & health related intrusive thoughts have been getting easier to manage, but i’m still struggling with figuring out how to push them away fully and not panic about them.

Do you guys also feel during a triggering episode when you feel anxiety and distress, you also feel like the opposite feeling? like a sense of excitement but not really, it feels like you secretely like it, I find those sensations to be in the muscles of my face, I don't know how to really explain it, like a flustering feeling but not really. I feel like it's the opposite emotions constrasting your genuine ones, the ones you don't want to feel and because you don't want to feel those emotions OCD borrows an emotional reaction that belongs to anxiety like akwardness and fluster and twists it into something false? Or is anxiousness often accompanied by this weird odd sensation in the face? Like an intrusive twitching for a unwanted smile? I don't know.

I'm going to share some info I just read on Instagram and I think it's very helpful to understand the difference between intrusive thoughts and 'on purpose' thoughts Understanding Key Terms: What's ruminating? Ruminating is any passive or active mental engagement with your OCD question. This includes trying to answer the question, monitoring thoughts, scanning for triggers, avoiding them and suppressing thoughts. What's my OCD question? At the heart of every OCD theme is a feared question. It might be about relationships ("is this the one?") health ("What if I have cancer?") or identity ("What if I'm the type of person who would intentionally hurt others?"). These questions spark intensive anxiety because they suggest a potential negative reality about you and your future. To escape this discomfort and sense of lack of control, you ruminate, seeking a definitive answer. Why is Ruminating So Hard to Stop? Ruminating feels essential because it appears to be necessary for resolving your OCD question, making it incredibly hard to stop. However rumina is counterproductive because your OCD question is UNANSWERABLE. The more you try to resolve it, the more confusion and frustration you feel, creating a cycle of hopelessness and helplessness. This only intensifies the urge to ruminate. Why Ruminating is Within Your Control The Reality of Intrusive Thoughts: Most believe the thoughts are uncontrollable, but most "intrusive thoughts" are actually created by you in an attempt to answer your OCD question. Ruminating Fuels OCD by: -keeping your OCD question stuck in a mental loop. -fueling your anxiety,anger, shame, etc. Illustrating the Concept: Imagine a woman struggling with ROCD. A thought about her co-worker's attractiveness pops into her head, contradicting her all-or-nothing beliefs about love, such as "I should find my husband the most attractive" this triggers shame and fear. She starts questioning herself: "Does this mean I no longer love my husband?" "What if I cheat on him with my co-worker?" She then imagines cheating to assess her emotional reaction, trying to uncover a hidden desire. This woman feels trapped in a cycle of Intrusive thoughts, unaware that most of her thoughts are actually mental analysis she's generating to figure out if she no longer loves her husband and will cheat on him. Recognizing that the initial intrusive thought triggers a series of intentional mental rumination is crucial. These actions perpetuate her distress. The implications for YOUR HEALING: Realizing that most of your thoughts are self-generated in an effort to resolve your OCD question means you can choose to stop trying to figure it out. This knowledge can help you break the OCD/anxiety cycle.

How do yall handle intrusive thoughts !? I never realized that was a thing I think I’ve been dealing with this sense I was in elementary school I remember getting on the bus and had the the worry my mom was gonna get in an accident and it’s just gone from there