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can i talk to someone?

I have people in my life pretending to be therapists and psychiatrists constantly exposing me to triggering things as some horribly toxic idea of exposure therapy. It’s actually been extremely abusive and has resulted in me developing more triggers. I’ve become completely isolated and they chalk it up to me being “too fearful”. My triggers come from SA trauma and physical abuse. The idea that anyone could play around with someone else’s mind like pretend health professionals is awful. You wouldn’t pretend to be a surgeon, don’t pretend to be therapist either. Let the doctors handle medical care and apply exposure therapy the correct way instead of screwing with ppls mental health. I have actual health professionals that I’m working with that aren’t prescribing any of these methods and they’ve been a dream. That being said this is not okay. Purposely triggering people is not okay. They don’t have the right or the knowledge required to give fake healthcare. Your friends are not your therapy and shouldn’t be playing with this.

Ok so I’m a 17 year old female, and I’ve always thought I was straight. But I just really want to know how you would know the difference between so-ocd and actually questioning your sexuality. I have nothing against the LGBTQ community (in fact I am very much a token straight friend, lol) but I saw a video about comp-het recently and it sort of felt like what I was experiencing. I don’t want to be gay, I want to be with men, I want to like men, I’ve always liked men, but now I’m questioning whether or not that’s real? Because people can be gay but not want to be right? I’m single and I always have been. I think women are gorgeous, but when I try to imagine actually having any sort of romantic or sexual relationship with a woman it feels wrong, at least most of the time it does? Sometimes I’m less sure, and I’ve never been particularly boy crazy. I’ve liked maybe 2 or 3 people in my life, (not to say I’ve never found other guys attractive, but it doesn’t seem to be as often as most people) I have no particular reason to be afraid of being gay, very supportive family, safe area ect, but I don’t want to be, does that mean this is ocd, I don’t know what’s going on every time I say I’m straight I feel like I’m lying, but that might just be because I think about it so much. The idea of being with a woman doesn’t feel like something I would want, but is that just because I don’t want to want it? People online say things with so much sureness, if you feel like this it means this. Ect.

When I was a little kid, I used to be horrible. Every time I thought an animal was too cute or something, i’d get violent, terribly violent. I regret it so much and wish I never did anything like that. It follows me in my mind and I hate it even though I was a child. Then a year or two ago, I got upset at my cat and tossed her onto the bed very quickly and hard, and pushed her down. I remember feeling like I didn’t want to hurt her but I didn’t want to let go. I cried after it happened and gave her many treats. Around the same time, my dog got me mad i just smacked her nose but I still feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. Idk if i was 14 or 15 at the time? I would never do anything to hurt any animal now, but why did I ever do it back then? It makes me so sick thinking about it and now I can’t STOP thinking about it. I still never wanted to hurt my cat, but she got on my last nerve at that moment and it happened multiple times and I threw her pretty fast. I can’t believe I’d ever do that. I’ve been hating myself for it ever since i started thinking about it again. I can’t forgive myself and Idk what to do. I wish I could go back in time and never do what I did. She was still only about 5 months old at that time. She means the world to me and we have a very close bond, but now I feel like I can’t love her because what I did. I feel like I can’t have friends, or anything really because I feel like I don’t deserve anything. I feel like a terrible monster and I hate that I ever did anything to a little angel that didn’t even do anything wrong. Idk how to forgive myself. I hate that I did that and I wish I never did. It still wasn’t as bad as it was when I was little, but it’s still not okay at all and I can’t go back in time and change it, so now idk what to do with myself. I feel like I don’t deserve to be around my cats babies even though I love them with all my heart. I’m 16 now and not the same ragey person as i used to be. I had a lot of anger built up from an ex that I was with at the time, but still WHY would I take it out on my beautiful cat. The more I think about it, the worst it gets, it’s sucking up all of my happiness.

I’m trying to hold off having a panic attack but I feel this weird feeling in my stomach skin and it feels cold and kind of sore I looked it up which ik I’m not supposed to, but I was curious because it was not going away.It said something about nerve damage or diabetes? I’m kind of doing good ignoring the anxiety but I’m noticing part of my leg is also twitching a little and it’s making me feel more anxious, Idk what to do right now because I’m in college and I have to finish an assignment by today but the anxiety is making it hard for me to focus 😔

TRIGGER WARNING FOR DRUG USE: Hello everyone ! My name is Nicholas and this is the first time I’ve ever posted but I really just wanted to see if anyone has any experience like mine. I had tried shrooms about 4 months ago and took way too many and genuinely hallucinated and almost severely mutilated myself. During that trip I felt like I was stuck in a time loop and that the trip kept restarting. I was okay for a couple of months and then stupidly I thought smoking weed would be nice and could help calm some of my symptoms, and oh boy, I was severely wrong. I was thrown into what I could only really call PTSD, I could feel everything that I felt those previous months ago and that I felt like I was stuck back in this bad trip and that my reality was gonna fall apart, it’s now the day after and I’m still having those fears. I’m not really looking for advice, but I guess I could say more like looking for anyone with similar experiences? Just curious to see if anyone else out there has dealt with this :)

Hi i’m a teenager in high school and I don’t really remember when it started but I’ve been having really bad compulsions for the past few years. I think it started small with just little things like touching the light switch a few times because if not there’d be a house fire. But lately I think for the past year it’s gotten progressively worse. I haven’t been diagnosed and I don’t think i’m ready to talk to my parents about it so I don’t really know if I even have OCD or how to combat it. So i’m just gonna list some of the things that have led to me to believe I might have OCD: My number is 4, I have to touch things, do things, step on something 4 times. This has been happening for a while. The consequence of not doing it varys from the situation. If i’m home alone and I get scared I need to do everything 4 times perfectly and sit there until I do it right or else i’m unsafe and might die. I also have this “bedtime routine” you could say. Every night I need to check under my bed and look at each 4 legs of the bed and then say the number as I look then I need to take 4 deep breaths as I check too. After that I need to check in my closet and make sure the black hangers don’t touch the white hangers or else it’s contaminated and I might get sick. Then I need to fix my curtains to the way that I need them to sit. There’s a little more detail to each step that’s just too confusing to explain. Another big thing is stepping on something so it touches the middle or my foot and do so 4 times. I can’t explain everything because this is already too long but that is just some of the things I have to do. I also sometimes question myself and it scares me. Like I convince myself that I’m a psychopath and I am going to hurt my friends or family - but I am an extreme empath and can’t hurt a fly? It’s really scary and I just don’t know what to do anymore. So I guess moral of the story: Do I have OCD? And if so what can I do to try to combat it alone for now without alerting my family.

Hi this is my first post! My biggest thing is that im scared if I don’t do something something bad will happen. The consequences vary depending on the situation. Like for example one of my biggest fears is throw up so when my stomach hurts I have to touch something or do something or step on something in a certain way 4 times and I have to get it perfect. If not I think that I’m going to be sick. Thats just an example but my mind has fully convinced myself that these repetitive acts have actually worked and protected me. I don’t know how to stop or fight against it because I find comfort in thinking I have control over things. But sometimes doing these things can take so much time and it happens all the time. Certain rooms in my house there are certain things I have to do. It’s just becoming really overwhelming as a teenager especially. Does anyone have any advice?

On here I read, that OCD is trying to keep us safe. It brings thoughts to our attention, that might be dangerous, so we are aware and are able to deal with them. I first thought it makes sense, but after a while, I asked myself, why, if OCD is helping us, does it force thoughts, images etc. on to use which we made clear, we don't want? Why does it cause physical reactions, feelings and sensations that massively scare us, if its purpose is to keep us safe? And what about OCD coming up with new themes, not only, but also often after we got a little break from the other theme(s) that terrorized us before? OCD is definitely not our protector/friend. Our brain bringing a possible dangerous thought to our attention and accepting our ruling on the importance of that thought is helpful. But that's not what OCD does, it's bombarding us with those thoughts relentlessly and adds feelings, emotions, physical reactions and sensations to the thought to make it as convincing as possible. That's not helpful at all, it' mental warfare. So my question stands? What is OCD/my brain trying to achieve with constantly attacking me? Isn't it in our nature to fight for our survival? If so, my brain is working hard to achieve the opposite, which doesn't make any sense.

I've just started dating this really great girl. She doesn't know about my ocd which is fine but I've noticed that a lot of my intrusive thoughts and worries about not following routines now revolve around losing her or her believing I'm a bad person. I just don't want this relationship to make me so paranoid. I also know have this where if I see a girl on my Instagram or on the Internet, I'll feel an overwhelming urge to clean myself and the device I viewed it on. This is part of a moral reaction and I also worry I'm not being loyal. I feel I should try and not follow through with these compulsions but as they now revolve around keeping my girlfriend I'm not sure. Any advice?

Been doing amazing the last few days…then today boom…my ocd tried to pick a theme ..it will pass though…so I’m just gonna ride it out ..

I struggle with ROCD - specifically anything which can trigger a fear of abandonment. So themes have been / usually are: - I’m not enough (therefore he’ll leave) - He’s only with me because he feels sorry for me - We’ll never get married (except now we’re married, so this has now morphed into ‘we’ll never make it a year married’ - of course! 😂) It’s very painful to experience these thoughts. Since we got married, my ocd has shifted to - He’s lying to me / cheating on me / gaslighting me My urges are to check his phone for ‘evidence of cheating’ / ‘reassurance that he hasn’t cheated’. I’ve been fighting again these compulsions because they don’t align with my values / the kind of wife I want to be. And I don’t want to feed ocd of course.! I’ve largely been able to resist - I’ve messed up twice in the last few months, but as our 1 year anniversary approaches my ocd thoughts have gone utterly haywire, it’s painful to not check. It feels like I’m fighting urges every few hours. (I realise I am fortunate that I do go hours between urges, & my heart goes out to you all that have all-the-time urges). At night with his phone within arms reach it’s the worst for me. I’m losing hours and hours of sleep in resisting urges / riding the waves. Laying there feeling all the pain and distress and not reaching across him to get ‘the answers’. Nightmares also aren’t helping! 🫠 constant nightmares every night. I’m resisting 💪, but my god it’s difficult. It truly feels like I’m ‘deluding myself’ and ‘prolonging my suffering’ to not check if he’s cheating - (though I know this is ocd talking). This is one of the most challenging times I’ve faced, and I’ve only really just begun my ERP work. I’m mostly piecing together the instructions from online sources on how to do ERP, and I guess I’m just going to have to assume I’m doing the steps reasonably well. It’s just very tough.! I often feel so lonely in this fight against OCD. I’m also trying not to talk to my partner or friends about my fears - because I don’t want reassurance from them, I don’t want to feed OCD. But the loneliness of not talking about the struggle is pretty hard.! 😕 So I’ve come here to let that out a bit, it’s lonely, it’s difficult, it’s painful, and I’m not giving up. And it helps when I remind myself that all you lot are in the same boat as me, we’re all fighting our invisible battles alongside each other. ⚔️

My obsessions vary a lot, but lately I've been struggling with people close to me going into cars/driving. I'm feel like I'm starting to make them feel like I'm morbid or something, and also don't know how to explain them my mental process without sounding crazy,because this doesn't happen always. I'll try to explain: i really feel like i'm a bad omen for anyone close to me, and if they are making me a favour, like driving me somewhere it goes two ways in my head: 1.They are safe while i'm with them because(????) 2.When they are coming back without me they are at more risk because the universe is gonna make me pay for my egoism (being helped). Now, I know what magical thinking is but is really hard to explain to people without OCD, like, sorry but telling someone that i think i'm some kind of chosen one thay will keep us safe but a great force is gonna punish US BOTH for getting help is BONKERS. I'm right now at a good space in my life compared to years ago, but my head keeps popping with new fears randomly, i've been doing quite well with trying not to give into compulsions but this past week it's been so hard, both with this an health rumination. Just so hard. I couldn't help to give into it and i've been: -asking them to call as soon as they get where they were going. -checking the wheather and telling them please try not to drive, go outside or be careful in general if its windy or rainy. -Refusing rides and taking the public transport instead even if it's inconvenient and the other person insist they want to drive me. I just couldn't today my bf forgot to tell me he came to the office bc of reunions etc and i almost lost it, panic attack and multiple calls included. I just needed to let it out, and started reaching help again so i hope at least this makes someone feel understood :)

This is 16+ ,, so please don’t read this if you’re younger ——- —— —- — - I was having a inappropriate dream about characters, and I realized that they were minors (I thought they were 16) and in the dream I was like “well aren’t they adults in the newer ones? I’m going to pretend they’re adults” and I’m so upset that I did this, I know I meant no harm and I know I didn’t mean to do anything disgusting, as I thought they were 16 in the dream and I was like “um, im gonna pretend that they’re older” ,, and I just realized those characters might be actually 14, and now I’m freaking out that I’m a bad person… i didn’t mean any harm and I’m so sorry, I can’t ever forgive myself, knowing I had this dream, but I know I didn’t mean harm cuz I tried to change it instantly when my brain reminded me of the age

As I mentioned I am in the process of quitting porn right now. I am about to hit two weeks clean, but right now my intrusive thoughts are getting a bit worse. I’m not too concerned because I believe it has to do with me doing very well with abstaining from porn/masturbation but I’m not sure. Does anyone know if this can be the case?

Does rocd can hit at the beginning of your relationship within 1 week???

Hi everyone. I’m going through it at the moment. Any advice would be appreciated. I posted this before, but I really need to vent about this again. Feeling really anxious. I would just like to hear more opinions and advice please. So my main theme of OCD is harm related, especially towards my mom. I live with my mom and I love her dearly, and she loves me as well. We’re best friends and have been close my whole life. I was diagnosed with ocd and generalized anxiety disorder at 15 years old, and I’m 32 now. Got back into therapy this year due to flare up of my ocd. Back in July I had the thought “what if my mom wants to hurt me?” Which led to thoughts that she is going to hurt me in my sleep or plotting against me. Also just other crazy thoughts like what if she’s secretly a killer or something. My mom is one of the kindest people I know, gentle and polite to everyone she meets so to have these kinds of thoughts just seems too bizarre for ocd. They seem almost delusions. There were also urged to like barricade my door at night so she couldn’t get in, which I never did of course but the thought to even do that and feeling like I wanted to freaked me out. I even had the thought like “maybe I should report her to the police.” It just sounds crazy deep down, but those thoughts and fears feel so real at times. It just seems to lead to more paranoid type thoughts and it freaks me out. Fast forward and the thoughts went away, but the past two weeks or so they came back and I have been thinking them on and off. They give me anxiety, which then makes me think I believe them. Like if I’m scared of the thoughts, that means I believe them. I wonder a lot if I really believe them or not. I know I truly don’t deep down, I never once thought like this before, but the feelings and doubt make it feel real. I have told all of this to my mom and she understands me, but I feel guilt and shame as well to have these thoughts. I want to get back into seeing a psychiatrist again since it has been 15 years without any adjustments to my medication, but ai’m terrified of seeing someone new and then diagnosing me with schizophrenia or think I’m experiencing psychosis due to how delusional these thoughts sound. I’m scared to be misdiagnosed, even though I have always just been diagnosed with ocd. But maybe I have changed… I hate these thoughts and I just worry they’re too bizarre for ocd. If this isn’t something else. I’m scared ERP won’t help with this or that it will make it worse, prolonging me from getting different help that I may need instead. Thank you for reading all of this.

I have always had crushes on guys but I’ve always been too afraid to act on any of them. Which leads me to today, single. I have never been in a relationship and it’s hard for me to envision myself in one. Plus my socd is really bad. I have gotten to the point where I don’t know what I want. I have always wanted a husband but I’m second guessing that all the time. I try and think of scenarios for both outcomes and nothing gives me any clarity. I’m afraid that when I get a boyfriend I’m going to realize I don’t like guys. I’m afraid that if I get drunk at a party I’ll kiss a girl. I’m afraid to just live my life at this point. I’m afraid there is no one out there for me. Im battling myself everyday and now the lines between ocd and reality are not there anymore. Idk what to do. I’m trying to take it one day at a time and tell myself to let it be. But the intense anxiety hasn’t left me for 3 days. I just wanted to write it out and get it off my chest. Thanks for listening.

New to this community. Pretty bummed they don’t take my insurance. I’m gonna have a free call session later today but after that, I don’t know where else I’m gonna find online therapy specific to my ocd. I guess if it’s affordable I can still pay. It depends. It just sucks because I was happy to find this community and to finally get some help but they don’t take my insurance. I just want help.

I’m a 20yr old straight female, always have been only attracted and dated guys. I’m currently in a relationship with my boyfriend and he’s just the most loving, amazing and caring man I could have asked for. We’re long distance tho and the we haven’t seen each other in 4-5 months, it started to take a toll on both of us, but in my case I also have diagnosed ADHD the doctor did say I may have some symptoms of OCD. I’m not on any medication. It first began as lower libido, I overthink a lot and I began to get really anxious and from what I’ve read it seems like I have ROCD, and then out of nowhere I remembered I did once question if I was bi or lesbian a couple years ago too out of nowhere after a breakup with my ex. I was overweight pretty much all my life and I always had a lower self esteem with my looks and felt jealous of every other girl who was prettier and could wear any girly clothes and look great in it. But I really don’t know how and why this began but it feels real, it feels like denial. I don’t have groinal responses well at least not really thankfully so far at least, but I find myself having same sex dreams sometimes, or imageries or smth telling me “oh you should go kiss her, just do it” or smth like “are you really straight” I even to an extent had TOCD cuz although it’s now that I’m losing weight I still feel like what if I look masculine (I had a lil tomboy phase which I regret a lot and hate to look back on) but no I don’t want to. I feel like since HOCD, I’m questioning my attraction I have towards men and that as if I want to be bi or smth and that I’m in denial. It feels like I wanna do a same sex activity so bad but I don’t want to at the same time. The urge isn’t peaceful or smth I enjoy but imageries of me doing it and feeling good about it and I just start to cry and think to myself “why can’t I just be straight”. I’ve urges that feel so real as if I wanna do it but I really don’t want to and when I get such thoughts I think of “omg is this a sign”. What if I act on those impulses and become bi eventually. What if I become okay with it (i don’t want to be that). I can’t tell what’s true anymore, I hate it I’m crying as I’m typing this. I’m so scared. I noticed these thoughts also began when I joined college and met a bi guy who I talked to quite often since he was in my class and I hated hearing what he wanted to do with same sex, who he found attractive in a very explicit manner and also he was just a ball of negative energy who loved to concept of dying soon, wanting to have eating disorder and healing himself that he said from that start and when I offered help and listened all of that he didn’t want any and said he just liked being that way. I’ve had thoughts of harming myself before and other types of ocd episodes since 10th grade but it’s HOCD that’s bothering me the most now. I also can’t afford therapy at the moment. Please help. (Sorry this is quite long, but thank you for taking the time to read it, and please let me know what I can do)