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I’m a 20yr old straight female, always have been only attracted and dated guys. I’m currently in a relationship with my boyfriend and he’s just the most loving, amazing and caring man I could have asked for. We’re long distance tho and the we haven’t seen each other in 4-5 months, it started to take a toll on both of us, but in my case I also have diagnosed ADHD the doctor did say I may have some symptoms of OCD. I’m not on any medication. It first began as lower libido, I overthink a lot and I began to get really anxious and from what I’ve read it seems like I have ROCD, and then out of nowhere I remembered I did once question if I was bi or lesbian a couple years ago too out of nowhere after a breakup with my ex. I was overweight pretty much all my life and I always had a lower self esteem with my looks and felt jealous of every other girl who was prettier and could wear any girly clothes and look great in it. But I really don’t know how and why this began but it feels real, it feels like denial. I don’t have groinal responses well at least not really thankfully so far at least, but I find myself having same sex dreams sometimes, or imageries or smth telling me “oh you should go kiss her, just do it” or smth like “are you really straight” I even to an extent had TOCD cuz although it’s now that I’m losing weight I still feel like what if I look masculine (I had a lil tomboy phase which I regret a lot and hate to look back on) but no I don’t want to. I feel like since HOCD, I’m questioning my attraction I have towards men and that as if I want to be bi or smth and that I’m in denial. It feels like I wanna do a same sex activity so bad but I don’t want to at the same time. The urge isn’t peaceful or smth I enjoy but imageries of me doing it and feeling good about it and I just start to cry and think to myself “why can’t I just be straight”. I’ve urges that feel so real as if I wanna do it but I really don’t want to and when I get such thoughts I think of “omg is this a sign”. What if I act on those impulses and become bi eventually. What if I become okay with it (i don’t want to be that). I can’t tell what’s true anymore, I hate it I’m crying as I’m typing this. I’m so scared. I noticed these thoughts also began when I joined college and met a bi guy who I talked to quite often since he was in my class and I hated hearing what he wanted to do with same sex, who he found attractive in a very explicit manner and also he was just a ball of negative energy who loved to concept of dying soon, wanting to have eating disorder and healing himself that he said from that start and when I offered help and listened all of that he didn’t want any and said he just liked being that way. I’ve had thoughts of harming myself before and other types of ocd episodes since 10th grade but it’s HOCD that’s bothering me the most now. I also can’t afford therapy at the moment. Please help. (Sorry this is quite long, but thank you for taking the time to read it, and please let me know what I can do)

yesterday i was here making posts that im hopeless, that i dont think im gonna get through this today. today one of my friends passed away. i have death ocd. i fear losing people that are close to me and i just lost one i havent ate anything in two days or drink that much water. i cant accept it. i wish the person was still near me, i wish i could hug them this is the worst and most suicidal ive felt in a long long time.

I’m crying so hard, I just can’t this anymore. I feel like a bad person, I’m only 16… I don’t know what to do anymore, I can’t breathe and I’m panicking so bad… please help me I was thinking about this situation with this YouTuber where he called this 16 year old “fine” Then I started to think, what if I get older and think 16 year olds are fine? This kind of made me anxious not really, but then I got convinced that I would, because my brain kept making me feel like I would be attracted to them, and there is nothing to say I won’t be attracted, so I said “I know I will be attracted, because they look older, I know that I will turn into a p//do” and now I’m really scared and terrified, I feel like I am a p now, I can’t believe I said that, now I feel like I’m gonna turn into one I would NEVER want to turn into one, I would NEVER want to find teens attractive at that age I’m crying

*This mentions pretty dark things so if you think you’ll get triggered, don’t read* I have a question for people who deal with real event/false memory. I hear a lot of people say they can’t remember if they did something or not, but they’re sure they’re guilty. Does anybody have a memory that they’re sure happened, it’s so vivid and you just know it happened, and then when you’re out of the ocd cycle, it just doesn’t feel real anymore? When I was a kid, I was overly sexually. Not only did I start doing sexual things at a young age, but I also had a lot of really dark thoughts. Today, I do have some issues with things I’m attracted to, but only in a passive “I should probably talk to my therapist about that” kind of way and I’ve heard the things I’m into are actually very common. What I thought about as a kid though are much darker. I try to give myself some grace with some of them because I was a kid and had no idea what it was, but of course, I feel disgusted. Anyway, i know that I had these thoughts and feelings when I was a kid, but there are some things I didn’t think I did until the past few years… I had one childhood “memory” come up… Basically, it was having a deliberate thought about an animal when I was masterbating. It felt 100% real, I was sure I did it and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. When my OCD calmed down, it suddenly felt much more foggy, and now it doesn’t feel accurate. I know for a fact I’ve never been attracted to animals, but I’m worried there was a different reason for me having that thought and it’s true that I intentionally thought about it and did it. But now it doesn’t feel real. On top of that, I also know I have never been attracted to children/babies. I have memories of getting thoughts about pedophelia and most of them I have memories of brushing them off but I’m terrified there’s one I am absolutely terrified I touched myself to. For this one, I was certain it was real but I was trying to convince myself it wasn’t, or will it to not be real. It was very vivid, but it also made absolutely no sense because I’ve never wanted that, ever. And if this is true, how could I ever forgive myself and move forward in life? Well, now it doesn’t feel as real. I’m terrified I tried so hard to convince myself that I succeeded and now I think it didn’t even though it did. I also realized I have no accurate memory of where this happened, how old I was, etc. For a while I was terrified this happened when I was older but I have no real memory of that. This made me relax for a second because I thought “maybe that means it didn’t happen or there’s something I’m forgetting and it was an intrusive thought that I pushed off like the rest” but then I quickly realized it really doesn’t mean anything and I could be a horrible, sick person. I know for certain I’m not interested in these things. But I know I used to struggle with dark thoughts, and hearing people talk about false memory the way they typically do just makes me feel like it absolutely can’t be that so it must’ve happened. I don’t know how to even function with these thoughts.

how do I know what I felt wasn't genuine attraction but false attraction? I can't keep living like this.

I’ve been with my partner for over two years. We started a long distance away, and I remember feeling so in love, but the day my partner came to see me, I got into a place of fear. A month later, I decided to break up because it led me to high anxiety, and I thought I was better off alone. I started to feel she was the person causing all this anxiety. It took three months to work on me to realize it wasn’t my partner. It was me. We got back together and decided to give it another shot. I took it day by day because we were still a long distance away, but she decided to come back and live in my hometown. I remember times of going to see her and feeling significantly in love, which would reassure me I was in love, but then coming back, I would feel numb and not feeling anything, and my thoughts would trigger me into thinking if I was in the right relationship. I took it day by day when she finally moved back and lived in the same state, and we were doing great. Getting to know each other, I was present and enjoying the relationship. I felt so cared for, so loved. I would have doubts from time to time, but I was able to let those thoughts go. I even told myself I had seen myself with this person for a while because she had become my best friend. And then, I started to get overwhelmed with things around me. That led me to think I was better off alone, or even to think if I was settling or there was something better? Or I should feel more. This thought came into a spiral, realizing it was a pattern, but then I thought, okay, I need to work on what’s bothering me to make the relationship work, and then I said I need to break up. It was a contact thought of breaking up. I don’t know if it was an intrusive thought, but it made me anxious. Thinking I should leave my partner. I’m so sad and anxious and don’t know what to do. I wanted this relationship to work, and I was doing fine. I saw us making so many plans for the future, and now I feel closed off, and I don’t know what happened. Do I have relationship anxiety? Do I have OCD? Did my overthinking make me think I should be better off alone? I also feel upset. I don’t know if I feel upset with myself. It’s confusing.

Has anyone had this fear that they were abused in childhood and just don’t remember? And that’s why you have harm related thoughts? Like, I kept thinking if my mom abused me in childhood even though I had not ever thought or felt that way before, it came up a few months ago when my therapist was talking about complex PTSD which then freaked me out thinking something super horrific happened in my childhood and I just don’t remember it. My mom and I are super close, always have been. My mom was protective of me, but never in an abusive sense. She would just worry whenever I went out with friends and such, and wanted me to text her every now and again to let me know what was going on. Even in adulthood she sometimes wants to check in on me if I go out somewhere (even though we live together) and she even tells me to not worry about it and she knows it’s just her anxiety that gets the best of her, thinking something bad happened or what not. Anyway, I kept thinking about this and I thought is this abusive behavior? My mom wanting to check in on me? And I think of course not, it shows she cares and loves me. It’s not like she’s a hounding my phone every second or what not, just a text or a call to see what’s up. But my mind takes it further and thinks this is controlling behavior or something. So it goes back to the was I abused in childhood and I just have repressed memories, and that’s why I get harm thoughts towards my mom. I’m always thinking there is a deeper meaning. I never even thought that before in my life, about the abuse part, but it has become stuck in my mind and I’m scared it will ruin my relationship with my mom.

I’ve had a few very powerful false memories and one I’ve not thought a lot about. But out of NOWHERE today, it came back to me and immediately was convincing me that the bad thing actually happened. Has anyone else had this? Where it came back out of nowhere and made it seem like it had to be true?

I’ve recently become unemployed and the journey to finding a new job is honestly unbearable. I struggle with a major lack of self confidence and I don’t believe I’m good at anything nor smart enough for it, so whenever I look at job websites and see different things advertised I panic. Even with what I’ve wanted to do for years, the thought of going out and doing that makes me feel horrendous because I don’t think I’m capable of doing it. And what doesn’t help is the fact I’ve told my parents this and they just scream at me saying I can’t sit around doing nothing every day when that’s already something I don’t want to do. I want a job, I want to do something I enjoy, I like working I do, and once I’m it in I know I’ll enjoy it, but there’s certain things stopping me from going for it. I hate myself over every possible level to the thought of people seeing me everyday is making me panic, I don’t think I’m very intelligent so anything that requires me to do maths or organise numbers or anything like that is out of the question. I’ve worked in hospitality for 7 years, doing shit I despise and I honestly have hated every moment of it so I can’t go back there. It’s all scaring me, all making me feel like I’m just incapable of doing anything right, I genuinely just don’t even want to wake up tomorrow because the thought of living this life for the rest of my life is ridiculous. I don’t want to do it. I don’t have anything I’m good at, there’s nothing I enjoy what the hell am I meant to do with that? I’m honestly so stuck. Everyone keeps saying “beggars can’t be choosers” but this is my fucjing life and I have to do a shit job that makes me want to throw myself off a 30 story building till I’m 70? Fuck no. What kind of life is that? Just so I can make money? And afford bills? And pay to live? wtf I don’t even want to be here so why am I doing that. I don’t enjoy living I a really fucking hate it. And working down the local grocery store is just not gonna make me wanna be here any longer. I really hate it here and now I have to find a job that I’ll hate? I’m so stuck

I’d love to hear any stories from anyone who has started or has been taking medication long term for ocd and if or how it has made things better for you. I am starting myself soon for the first time in a long time and I’m nervous. I’m doing okay-ish at the moment because I’ve been doing really good with my mental coping skills but medication will hopefully be the last hope to really get me back on track.

Has anyone had kids while dealing with this theme? Right before my big flare up, and my SOOCD/ROCD was triggered this summer, my husband and I were in the process of talking about trying for kids. We have both been very “will we, won’t we” when it comes to kids, but this past winter I felt a big urge to have children now that I am 30. Every part of me was excited for this journey with my husband and our future, until my OCD latched on and now it’s all gone. I am so terrified to have children now because what if something happens or I change and I ruin not only my husband’s life, but now I ruin my (unborn) child’s life? I wish I didn’t have this guilt. If this OCD wasn’t there I would just be living my life like I had been, but now I just doubt everything.

I watch Mark Dejesus and he made videos about obsessing about sin, is it sinful what i do?, and he explains it well that we think what we like is sin cause we are afraid that we "idolize that", and he said some exemples but those were very black and white answers and things are not always like that. There are things in the grey area too. I like to write music lyrics, and alot of times i make parodies about today's music, using the topics they sing today(mostly trap/rap), and i like it cause its funny. I dont live like that, thats the whole point that i dont like those songs and i make fun of that, some understands the jokes. Theres alot of people who does the same. Idk why but i enjoy it, but i heard someone said "think about what do you give to the world, does it gives to it or take something" and it just makes me feel guilt now, i cant enjoy it...Christian life is so tiring, people expect you to be so good, a saint and everything that is a little greyish its a sin and you should leave it... It's not just this, its about alot of things. I have a darkish humour, that doesnt mean i enjoy animal abuse or people dying, but sometimes i laugh at things that people think arent funny...I laugh at bad words too, idk its funny to me, i cant repress laughing at them, also people who use social media today knows that there are alot of "racist jokes" but ive seen alot of people saying that liking and laughing at those jokes doesnt mean youre racist and i agree with that. I dont care what color of skin you have, we all are the same, but i laugh at those jokes,and now even black people make fun of themself, so they are racist? So if i laugh about their jokes im racist? Its not that simple. Christians expect you to be so pure when even Jesus were angry, he made people angry, sometimes he said something to the other person that triggered him to expose his ego, he made jokes, some of them sounds too much for us,but im tired of it now. We dont know what could lead you to live a sinful life... maybe i can live in these grey areas and not fall into the black ones... I feel like i shouldnt listen to christians, they are humans too with their own opinion, maybe i should give my trust to God and hope that if i go near to sinful things, He will tell me... Now i dont feel anything that would tell me its a sin, i just feel guilt but thats because of condemnation...and some christians wont like what i do, how i act but i cant bee good for everyone... I have the same problem with music about love, if theres a little sexual thing in it it is sinful... its from the devil... its stupid tho, why we are afraid of sex? I get it if its about multiple person and we are "flexing" with that okay then, but why someone wouldnt make a love song about his wife and its a little bit sexual and if we listen it we think about our wifes too...im so sad about this... i even lost a christian friend because of this, not like he died but he doesnt want to believe anymore cause he is tired, and i start to feel like im tired of it too...

Last night was one of the worst days of my life. i went out with my girlfriend and two of my friends, it went okay at first i was trying my best to focus on the task ahead but the after i got a bit sleepy and it was just downhill. i had derealization. i had anxiety so bad that it made me unable too walk and now that im writing this im just scared of doing anything because i dont wanna fall in that nightmare again. last night was third day of prozac for me, people say it makes you feel worse then better but i dont wanna feel worse.. i wanna get better, im tired of making people around me feel useless cause they cant help me.

So I was having another flair of intrusions (damn it), and I understood I fear them so much because I actually fear losing my life, my future something along the lines of "if the thoughts are true then I'm going to lose everything I worked for so far, I won't achieve my objectives and will lose everyone important to me" is this common??? I don't know how to describe this but I feel as if I felt like this my whole life until now lol maybe I do have OCD since I was a kid and don't remember

so basically I’ve been overthinking Thursday. basically this whole week I’ve been getting intrusive thoughts about doing sexual or inappropriate things with objects, and it got so bad that basically everyday I was throwing my toothbrush away and buying a new one because I was afraid I did something to it and it was contaiminated. please understand I DO NOT want that at all. well I told my mom about it like I told my mom how I thought my toothbrush was contaiminated and I kept getting distressing thoughts (I couldn’t tell her exactly what) and she basically got mad and said I was wasting money and that she wouldn’t allow me to buy more so then I’d just have to use the same one. Well I’ve been replaying all the events that Thursday morning and I can’t find where I could’ve done something inappropriate but idk why the day after so Friday I kept getting those images even though on Thursday I felt fine I think. I couldn’t use a new one my mom forced me to use the one I had and so now I’m going crazy and I think my mouth is contaiminated. What do I do actually please help. I can’t live like this. I think these thoughts were triggered by something I read on the news, but now I’m afraid I might’ve done something and now I’m contaiminated. What if I actually did whatever those intrusive thoughts showed me? What if they were repressed memories? I can’t live knowing this please give any advice.

I was someone who was fat once and yes I’m gonna say fat because that’s what I was. I was overweight and it took a toll on my emotion and mental health. About 3 months ago or so I was 200lbs. I was very chunky and chubby I had side pockets and I just felt overall very heavy and big to point where I even thought it was affecting my physical health…I remember days where I felt tired so quickly and had fatigue or just felt outta breath going upstairs , etcccc. I recall eating so much and impulsively snacking which I think part of it was due to my stress but also just normal eating for me seemed out of control sometimes. I then realized I had to make a change especially when I got the news from doctor I was diagnosed pre diabetic and was close to becoming one very soon. So then I made few changes to my diet and daily activity as well as routine , one day I remember falling into a downward spiral with one of my debilitating episodes with ocd (about 3-4 months ago) it was then that I felt so desperate I even considered taking medication again . Fortunately though it was the best thing I did for me. I have been showing improvement but I still get episodes periodically I just manage it somewhat differently than I did before . I feel little more in control … however this doesn’t change the fact that ocd has still latched itself onto something I value . I lost 52 lbs. during my weight loss journey I couldn’t stop or give up . It was one of my biggest milestones. I never thought I’d ever do it but I did. I haven’t felt this great in so long and everyday I can’t help but be scared to think I’ll be fat again. I compulsively go to the gym , I check mirrors , I check my elbows and face shape and chin, I have fast days , etccccc…. So many compulsions you can think of . So many thoughts surrounding my fear of being fat again like magical thinking ocd and stuff . I need help. This has become constant for me. I’ve been scared of gaining weight again . I have certain thoughts like God punishing me. It’s more than that I just didn’t wanna get into detail. I was wearing a chain with a cross and I was on a hookup app while I had it on and i immediately had racing thoughts that God would take away what I value .

I’m trying so hard not to give up… but how can you not give up when you have a mind like mine? I have REAL EVENT OCD so that means I HAVE done something in my passed that was so inappropriate I was a teen and I’m in therapy for it now, so I learned it’s also trauma for me and real event ocd, I can’t explain why I did what I did and you know OCD HATES that… and WANTS to create a story because it doesn’t like uncertainty…..I was a teen and I’m a full grown adult now it’s been years and I did remember this real event but I thought I did it when I was a a lot younger, so I don’t know if I was dissociating or just didn’t realize when it happened regardless… I was a teen and it’s messed me up questioned my whole being and now I’m thinking I have a mind of a pedo, this started a couple of months ago and before this I would have never EVER guessed or questioned that I was a pedo because 1. I only did that real event one time and obviously feel so awful about it (not sharing details about what I did) but it involved my cousin and it makes me feel disgusted that I didn’t know better when I was old enough too know better unfortunately(2. Iv had boyfriends of my age and currently in the most loving relationship of my life 3. I never care about kids like that and I would talk about kids to my boyfriend because I know how an amazing father he would be one day, and he would tell me how amazing I would be because of how I love to take care of things like animals,him ect and how protective I would be like normal beautiful thoughts, NOW with my ocd I get intrusive thoughts and images of children in innapropriate ways and I get it “it’s just thoughts” but I HAD a real event that I did and now my ocd is latched onto that and making me question my sexuality and that I like children now, I TRY I try so hard not too believe it but whenever I try to think about my boyfriend it feels forced or anyone my age and my mind wants me to think about children and view them sexually like a real pedo would, it’s like I’m hyper focusing on them now and I can’t undo it I feel so sick I feel like I NEED to go to a mental asylum how did my life end up this way?!?!? I fucking wouldn’t dare hurt a child but my mind is so fucked I can’t believe this is my life right now I just can’t, I’m so upset I can ruin my future my love my everything my whole life with this, I can’t even have sex or masterbate because of this and I’m thinking about sex 24/7 because I’m so anxious to make love to my bf when before ocd THIS WAS NEVER A PROBLEM I would just daydream about making love to my partner and get turned on and wet easily, now even when I try to daydream about my bf, kids will pop up in sexual ways in my head and I CANT DO IT why am I daydreaming kids doing sexual things THERES NO WAY I’m suppose to just “sit with the thoughts” or “focus on breathing” while imagining those things so realistically in detail or remember my real event and memories of that and just meditate or still masterbate as a ERP technique, because if I’m masterbating to the thoughts and my thoughts are of children how does that not mess up your brain OR atleast trick your brain into thinking you are a pedo??!?? Even to like certain body parts of a child WHY AM I SEXUALIZING THEM like what the heck???? My brain soooooo confused can I actually get help or am I just too fucked….. I am diagnosed with ocd but I might be the one person that doesn’t have ocd and is just becoming a pedo….and that’s unfortunately the only way I got turned on was daydreaming about my bf or other people my age,me just touching myself with no thoughts don’t do anything, or “just feeling my body” it doesn’t do anything, but regardless I can’t even tell when I’m horny or not and it’s so dry down there I can’t even do anything regardless OCD messed up my brain AND my body…. WHAT CAN I DO I am just at such a lost how am I suppose to live with POCD can I never have sex again?!!??! am I the one that’s making up these thoughts maybe because of the guilt I have from my real event OCD? I don’t even know anymore doesn’t matter anyway because I can’t control anything that I’m thinking I can’t shower I can’t work I can’t live my life right now and I have no motivation for anything because if I am I don’t want to live any More… I’m sorry I can’t do this is this really it for me? Please anyone that can help me understand this…..I hate that I did that as a teen it has caused me confusion and guilt I know I learned from then but now my ocd has ruined me

Hi!! Just wondering if anyone uses any type of medication to soothe their anxiety relating to ocd and if there is actually any medication that can do that. I’m thinking about going to the doctors to ask if I can get some because I’ve suffered with anxiety my whole life and it’s been two years of full hell from ocd and I’ve been in therapy (camhs) for three years. Lmk!❤️

I’m trying so hard not to give up… but how can you not give up when you have a mind like mine? I have REAL EVENT OCD so that means I HAVE done something in my passed that was so inappropriate I was a teen and I’m in therapy for it now, so I learned it’s also trauma for me and real event ocd, I can’t explain why I did what I did and you know OCD HATES that… and WANTS to create a story because it doesn’t like uncertainty…..I was a teen and I’m a full grown adult now it’s been years and I did remember this real event but I thought I did it when I was a a lot younger, so I don’t know if I was dissociating or just didn’t realize when it happened regardless… I was a teen and it’s messed me up questioned my whole being and now I’m thinking I have a mind of a pedo, this started a couple of months ago and before this I would have never EVER guessed or questioned that I was a pedo because 1. I only did that real event one time and obviously feel so awful about it (not sharing details about what I did) but it involved my cousin and it makes me feel disgusted that I didn’t know better when I was old enough too know better unfortunately(2. Iv had boyfriends of my age and currently in the most loving relationship of my life 3. I never care about kids like that and I would talk about kids to my boyfriend because I know how an amazing father he would be one day, and he would tell me how amazing I would be because of how I love to take care of things like animals,him ect and how protective I would be like normal beautiful thoughts, NOW with my ocd I get intrusive thoughts and images of children in innapropriate ways and I get it “it’s just thoughts” but I HAD a real event that I did and now my ocd is latched onto that and making me question my sexuality and that I like children now, I TRY I try so hard not too believe it but whenever I try to think about my boyfriend it feels forced or anyone my age and my mind wants me to think about children and view them sexually like a real pedo would, it’s like I’m hyper focusing on them now and I can’t undo it I feel so sick I feel like I NEED to go to a mental asylum how did my life end up this way?!?!? I fucking wouldn’t dare hurt a child but my mind is so fucked I can’t believe this is my life right now I just can’t, I’m so upset I can ruin my future my love my everything my whole life with this, I can’t even have sex or masterbate because of this and I’m thinking about sex 24/7 because I’m so anxious to make love to my bf when before ocd THIS WAS NEVER A PROBLEM I would just daydream about making love to my partner and get turned on and wet easily, now even when I try to daydream about my bf, kids will pop up in sexual ways in my head and I CANT DO IT why am I daydreaming kids doing sexual things THERES NO WAY I’m suppose to just “sit with the thoughts” or “focus on breathing” while imagining those things so realistically in detail or remember my real event and memories of that and just meditate or still masterbate as a ERP technique, because if I’m masterbating to the thoughts and my thoughts are of children how does that not mess up your brain OR atleast trick your brain into thinking you are a pedo??!?? Even to like certain body parts of a child WHY AM I SEXUALIZING THEM like what the heck???? My brain soooooo confused can I actually get help or am I just too fucked….. I am diagnosed with ocd but I might be the one person that doesn’t have ocd and is just becoming a pedo….and that’s unfortunately the only way I got turned on was daydreaming about my bf or other people my age,me just touching myself with no thoughts don’t do anything, or “just feeling my body” it doesn’t do anything, but regardless I can’t even tell when I’m horny or not and it’s so dry down there I can’t even do anything regardless OCD messed up my brain AND my body…. WHAT CAN I DO I am just at such a lost how am I suppose to live with POCD can I never have sex again?!!??! am I the one that’s making up these thoughts maybe because of the guilt I have from my real event OCD? I don’t even know anymore doesn’t matter anyway because I can’t control anything that I’m thinking I can’t shower I can’t work I can’t live my life right now and I have no motivation for anything because if I am I don’t want to live any More… I’m sorry I can’t do this is this really it for me? Please anyone that can help me understand this…..I hate that I did that as a teen it has caused me confusion and guilt I know I learned from then but now my ocd has ruined me

Hello I need some help on how to keep accountability with myself on ERP homework and therapy. I understand at this point I have no motivation so I just gotta do it with the intent to just do it. I mean I have motivation but the drive to make me do it has been very hard to work towards. I have tried writing ERP, digital writing ERP, just thinking ERP and trying to do in the morning ERP I even tried phone alarm to remind me to do ERP but nothing was the right way to help me do practice consistently. Ever time I miss I feel more and more disappointed with myself and when I end up doing one I just feel like its not enough. Does anyone have any tips or advice on other ways to organize ERP homework to keep accountability or another method to try to keep at it. At this point its been a while since I’ve been in OCD therapy and while I can happily say I am much better than before I feel like I could have been better or at least feel more proud of myself if I perform better in my practices. I want to change right now I realize what I am doing now is not sustainable or helpful to me. But im not sure what else to try. thank you :3