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I am currently taking buspirone and it did help when I only had anxiety but now that my OCD has came back...putting my now "on break" relationship (until Thursday I will know if he wants to stay...I really hope he does) would SAM-e work or should I start trying different SSRI's? And I'm going to be honest...I broke his trust multiple times without even meaning or wanting or intending too by um...cheating with people online and I never ever thought my worst fear would become true...and I did everything out of fear and honestly not affection or love...but I was also dealing with severe anxiety and depression from past toxic relationships and friendships and still currently having a very hard time at home...I was neglected emotionally and mentally as a child..grew up being told to ask for help and use my voice but whenever I did....I got told to figure it out myself or your a big girl do it on your own and ever since never really knew how to ask for help let alone had an actual father figure...and ever since I did that to my boyfriend....constant shame, chronic guilt, disgust, fear... just everything it would take to just disappear...and he said he wanted a break until this Thursday and I asked him....so why are you staying if you do stay..."I still have a sliver of love left for you and I don't want to let the memories we made go to waste" I understood that and then I already knew he was starting to text girls online ig in a way to make it "fair" and I told him I am asking just 2 things of you....do not have sex with ANYONE and after the break if we are still in a relationship which I hope and pray we are...research even more than you already have about OCD and I mean DEEPLY research it...he hates I keep bringing it up but I only ask of 2 things..and main reason he has grown distant is because of my confessing compulsion....no matter if I said it and he knows EVERYTHING about me, even if I left out a single little detail gotta confess or remember something else that happened oh gotta confess...but im also learning to leave past mistakes in the past....the past is the past for a reason...but it's so hard to let go of something you did...when you hurt the person you love and care and value so deeply...I know that if I lose him...I would be 110% worse and lost all hope...I need help guys I need advice.....because right now I have 0 friends...family doesn't support or listen to my needs...I was crying earlier and they saw but didn't ask what was wrong or anything...can't talk to my boyfriend...trying everyday to just not text him like he wanted no contact is so....so hard it hurts physically......can't sleep..haven't ate for a few days...trying to eat but I can't...I have no one...and I am deathly scared if he stays I will make the mistakes again maybe not soon but later...I cant...I want help I need help...I need support and friends..im alone 💔

Hello I want to share my story with you because I sometimes feel so alone with my problems. I need hope that I can really do it. My father simply fled to his country of origin when I was 4 years old. At first I thought I would never see him again because we didn't know where he was, then we learned through a lawyer that he had run away - then the contact came back after 1 year, we visited him and it broke my heart every time to never see him again for another year. I idealized him so incredibly, even though he was never really there. My mother never demonized him, never put him down. My trauma was born that I was separated from my father several times. Today, I am 30 years old and I can no longer idealize it and I realize everything I have repressed, oppressed and killed during all these years. I started watching pornography very early at the age of teenagers aged 10 to 13, including things I'm not proud of today. then becoming sexually active myself. I had a very painful separation as a teenager with my ex. I've had super beautiful girlfriends, always. I knew I was attractive. From 13 (first time) to 28, I had more than 100 partners and tried many things. I lived in drunkenness. But what I never was was this macho - I was very early on aware of the value of a woman and that I wanted to treat everyone well and stay fair. But I never noticed that I had developed an OCD very early. To my OCD story: At the age of 18, I had the impression for the first time that something was wrong with me. There is no joy, something looks like a metal gavage. Then I took SSRI antidepressants and quickly improved. I take them until today :-( For probably 10 years, I was afraid of HIV. Extreme fear. I had to do 100 tests and I kept questioning them. I didn't know all this time that I could have an OCD. Three years ago, I met my girlfriend. I thought to myself: this time, you do everything better. Stay faithful, stay honest and so on. Then this obsessive admition came to me. I should wash myself of all my sins - suddenly, I told everything. Then came the guilty conscience (about violent sex chats, porn addiction, inappropriate porn when I was myself a teenager) and what others might think of me now. Then I saw a video about a guy who got exposed on the Internet because he had done something inappropriate. Terrible, I find it was horrible for the victims. Then OCD came and said that someone could say the same thing about me. And it duged up all my past. All porn in adolescence, everything. Again, I had to relieve myself in one way or another. I regained everyone's reassurance. Everyone must have told me that it was okay when I was 10-13 years old and watched porn that was not correct. Oh my God, I couldn't anymore. Now, OCD has taken on a new dimension and now checks on absolutely EVERYTHING if it excites me sexually or not. It suddenly automatically connects sex and children. It's terrible. I have never felt this level of fear before. We really think that I have been kidnapped by evil and that my brain is broken. I had never questioned my sexuality. Sex has always been so pleasant for me (certainly also anesthesia) and now everything is so confusing. I developed such a fear of sex with my girlfriend that inappropriate images would shoot me in the head. I hate OCD so much. Even worse, to distract myself and get rid of my feelings, I only know one strategy that has always helped me: more pornography, sex chats, more women and more transsexuals. So I say to myself: man, I want to be a great and good friend. In fact, I want to have a family with my girlfriend. It really drove me crazy. I didn't know what to do and sometimes I wanted to give up and die for the first time in my life. Because this flow of thoughts was unbearable. My big theory is that I'm obviously incredibly afraid of commitment. Because of my Major trauma of the PTSD. And OCD is just one of the many things that do not want to "make me feel", because it means a great danger. Goddammit, sometimes I say to myself that I have to live again single, and maybe have fear from HIV. I am not sure about my past, but I felt never so bad. Does anyone know of similar things? Can anyone understand my story or experience something similar? I want to be strong, I want to get there. Sometimes it's incredibly hard to believe. I don't understand how my brain has so much self-hatred. I want to finally live, free and in peace with myself. In love

Sometimes I really think it’s not ROCD because sometimes my boyfriend actually does annoy me. He might just be doing normal boyfriend things, but they really trigger me. He’s being playful, but it makes me anxious, and I can’t handle that sort of thing atm. I don’t know whether it’s my ROCD tricking me or whether he just annoys me and I don’t like it, simple as? He does something, like pats me on the head in a playful way. I say ‘why did you do that?’ ‘What did you mean by that?’ I didn’t give him permission to touch me on the head, so why did he do it? Does that mean he doesn’t respect me? He knows I don’t like that sort of thing, so my ocd sees that as being disrespectful (I know, ridiculous🙄) I’m expecting him to be perfect, but I can’t control the actions of another. I’m probably blaming it on ROCD because I don’t like the idea of not having a boyfriend. This is really hard, I am so sick of this shit. I need a break from this crap. I’m triggered every time I see him, can’t be present and just feel so tense. This is not what a relationship should be like surely? So why am I continuing? Before I see him, I get really excited and when I’m not with him, I miss him, so I’m very confused. Would I miss someone I didn’t want to be with? If I miss him, that’s a good sign right? I just want a break. The guilt is overwhelming. I feel like I’m living a lie, like I’m not being true to myself, which is really hard because in my past relationship, I did lie to myself. I wanted to believe he was a good person, but he wasn’t, and deep down I knew but I didn’t want to accept it. My current relationship is the complete opposite; he’s so kind, respectful, wants to spend time with me. My family really likes him. I’m not lieing to myself in the same way as before, but how can I not feel as if something is off again now feeling like this😔if a regular person without ocd felt like this, they would break up because they weren’t happy. I can’t say I’m ever happy spending time with him at the moment, which breaks my heart😞 I carry on though, because I’m hoping I can get through this with therapy. How sad if I find out it’s not ROCD. I don’t think I’ll ever trust myself again. I don’t know what I’m looking for posting this, because reassurance doesn’t help anymore, it just makes me feel better writing my feelings. I would love an answer, do I want to be with him or not? But, I know I can’t get that. That would be so simple for a non ocd person to answer, but I will never know 🥺 I’m wasting this precious life, it makes me very sad 😔 (I get really triggered by comments that agree with my ocd, like ‘that doesn’t sound good’ etc, thanks 🙏🏻)

….I feel stuck in my options. I can’t take Zoloft or Hydroxyzine (25mg each) because my ocd is telling me all the conditions and side effects I will get if I do. But I can’t keep living in constant fear and panic over my health. It’s feels like no matter what I do there is a risk, if I don’t take the medication my anxiety could just get worse or keep making me unable to live a decent life. And it truly seems like the only resort left for me. But if I do take it I have to possibility to develop heart palpitations, serotonin syndrome, or qt prolongation syndrome. And then I would have to deal with the withdrawal when I need to get off. Today I started to question if I should voluntarily commit myself to a psychiatric unit. The reason being I can’t live life anymore, I can’t wake up without panic, I can’t go in public, I don’t enjoy anything anymore, I panic every day of my life almost every waking second, the physical symptoms have gotten really severe. I’ve been to a unit before 2 years ago and when I went I was struggling less than I am now. When I got out I was actually doing really well until I had a relapse earlier this year due to different SSRI. Things have only gotten worse from there. My mom started to get frustrated saying, “No doctor would ever look at you and think you need to go to a mental hospital, you can’t just go to one cause you want to.” Is my mom right? Do I really not need to go? It really feels like I’m in crisis at this point considering I can’t do anything anymore and I am struggling worse than I was when I got committed the first time. She said now that I’ve been to one I have all the recourses I need and don’t need to ever go back. I think that’s not true and it’s for resetting your mind and gaining control again. I’m just looking for maybe some advice? Support?

Hello, does anyone else suffer a huge loss of appetite related to their ocd worsening? I am capable of going a whole day or more without eating even, I just feel completely suffocated by my intrusive thoughts. I just don’t feel like eating, I don’t fear it or anything, just don’t feel like it’s necessary.

I have been suffering from HOCD/SO-OCD for a couple months now. The last time I ever suffered from these kind of intrusive thoughts was 2-3 years ago, so it’s been a good while since I last dealt with this. All the information and tips I had on overcoming this have been completely forgotten by me, so I’m back to starting on square one. I don’t mean to be very TMI and out in the open towards porn, but a big trigger of mine that made me start all of this spiral was my enjoyment of lesbian porn. When I was younger I used to watch lesbian porn, but never touched myself to it. When I was a teenager, I did begin to watch lesbian porn again and was only able to finish by just lesbian porn. The same applies to my life right now, I can only get off to lesbian porn. I watch straight porn and do get aroused by it, but not as aroused as I get with lesbian porn. I never fantasize about being with a woman/having sex with a woman though, I only do it with men and it makes me feel good. I have stopped consuming porn as a whole, stopped watching lesbian porn, here and there I do look at straight porn, but for some reason that’s been triggering me lately since I tend to focus on the girl more. Here’s where my fear arises even more. I know I like men, I know I don’t like women (maybe only sexually? but even then I don’t want to experiment with a woman and don’t want to have sex with a woman), but I have this ongoing fear that I won’t be able to enjoy sex with a man again. I fear that the only way that I’d be able to finish with a guy, is to be able to think of a woman, but I don’t want to think that! Does any of that even make sense? I feel like it doesn’t!! I just am so scared that when I have sex with a man, I won’t be able to cum unless I think of a woman, but I don’t want to think of a woman, nor have I ever thought of a woman when I did have sex with my ex-boyfriend. I don’t know, I’m just blabbering now. I’m just extremely tired of dealing with these thoughts, it’s been flaring up a lot too since my only two friends are lesbians and always talk about women. I just want to stop suffering from this, I also have contamination OCD, so it’s been pretty hell lately :/

I learned about suicidal ocd alot comparing what i knew about it a year ago, and im here to help others too, but i said it before that im not completely recovered cause i see im still having fear around that topic. So dont feel like what i shared are lies, those are true things but i still have problems around this topic. I think this one got triggerd cause 2 days ago i was talking with my friends about this topic but actual suicidal ideations, and they shared their problems. They said how dark that place feels and you can look outward you just see your reality about things. Today i felt a little bit low cause i still recovering and learning, i was feeling angry and frustrated and i was listening a song by Creed, its called One last breath, im pretty sure alot of people know that song, and in the chorus the lyrics are "Im six feet from the edge and im thinking, maybe six feet aint so far down" and this triggered me then out of frustration i was thinking tge same thing, i was imagining that i have ideation about jumping out of a window or something and im keep considering that maybe its not that far to jump and it will be quick or something, and all this time it felt like im getting lost, like its not an ocd problem, its actually from being frustrated and its out of anger, and theres a problem behind this. I know a thought doesnt mean we will act on it, im not concerned about that, im more afraid and questioning why do i think about this when i feel frustrated, am i not loving myself enough? Or what is the reason it was so strong and it felt like that dark hole my friends were talking about, and i was wondering if i dont step out cause im so lost in those thoughts, what happens? Is it becomes a real problem? I wont be able to step out and see it as ocd all the time, and many times i feel like i just throw it in the ocd label and it seems like its a compulsion. So even that i learned alot i still struggle sometimes...

What if all of this “what if i dont live him and never did” is real, it is too constant 24/7 and just consuming i camt be happy around him im always sad and angry and i get so many intrusive feelings? or are they intrusive??? they feel real and i dont want to accept this. every time i read something with “you choose tour partner” what if i don’t actually want him. i feel so bad because he is so special to me and such a good guy that did a lot of things for me and i feel like a monster. he dosent deserve this. i forgot how love feels like. even when we are together my thoughts wont leave me. i need help. i cant go ti therapy. how come the first 4 months of the relationship i was fine and then poof, everything in my head changed. i have been obsesing for over a year and i am hopeless

I’m so exhausted. I have been dealing with OCD since a child. I’ve gone through NOCD, it worked for the time being but long term didn’t keep up with exposures and I’m having a really difficult time with these particular ones before bed. I struggle with sleep and have for a long time due to anxiety and especially OCD rituals that keep me up for hours. This is what I do: -I have to pee multiple times before bed because I have to have a “perfectly” empty bladder or else I am worried about feeling discomfort or having to wake up in the night. -I am also move my pillow and hips in a “perfect symmetrical” position so that I can achieve perfect comfort, but this ends up being me moving to this position probably 20+ times because it makes me anxious if I don’t. -if I touch anything “dirty” or go to the bathroom every time I have to wash my hands or I experience extreme guilt. So this means after I pee the 5 times before bed I have to wash my hands 5 times. It’s gotten to the point to if I don’t do these things I will probably have a panic attack. And I’m so tired during the rituals that I just want to go to bed so I just give in to them. Please help.

I am going to talk about my OCD journey but I want to bring religion out of it even though I will add in some religious reference to it. Back in 2022 was my darkest year when I first started drawing and religious thoughts about what I was doing is okay started creeping in. I started going in the internet for answers in a religious sense and somehow that got worse. I even joined some sort of mental health chat room and I found myself obsessively seeking for reassurance that it know got worse. My OCD kinda waned a little when I found a pastor who addressed OCD in a healthy manner and even though he was very much a godsend personally, I still wrestle with OCD. Just now I fell back into OCD very hard even though I’m still drawing and making YouTube videos of my drawings. I was part of a fandom that celebrates anthropomorphic animal characters yet right now I am having guilty thoughts about taking part of that. Recently I found myself being back to constant reassurances on the internet about what’s okay and what’s not okay when it comes to art. I have my own personal boundaries and morals when it comes to art but sometimes I question my morals. Just now I am very OCD about my drawings and my potential as a graphic novelist. I have some amazing story ideas for my anthropomorphic animal characters but right now this huge fear is holding me back from stepping out and giving my ideas a shot. Heck, I’m also interested in anime, video games, manga, graphic novels, animation and stuff like that. I have my favorite animators and artists on the internet and I really love them. But now, my creative spirit just got crushed because of past experiences and fears about what I am doing right now. I am currently avoiding animation, art, anime, video games, and other nerdy hobbies in fear of idolizing them and feeling like I’m not doing what religion wants me to do. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t make my art. I couldn’t make animations, I couldn’t enjoy manga, I couldn’t enjoy anime because of my religious background. I just couldn’t enjoy anything anymore. I am so anxious right now I am avoiding those hobbies altogether. I just feel like no one understands my interests and no one understands me. I feel pressured to conform to people’s and religion’s opinions about things and it just feels like my authentic self is being stripped away. I tried to follow religion’s ideals and stuff but I just keep falling back. Well it just so happens that I’m autistic too. I just want to enjoy what life has to offer without feeling guilty about it. I just feel like I’m done with church and I just want to pursue animation and all that.

It’s been giving me panic attacks, fainting spells (I don’t get breaks lol so I go long periods without eating), and severe anxiety. As of right now, it’s nearing 3am and I’m typing this. I have work in the morning but I can’t sleep at all. I keep waking up in panics (which I just found out are nocturnal panic attacks lol great). I’m planning on just calling in tomorrow and quitting instead of showing up. I can’t take it anymore. What do I tell them? I don’t want to burn this bridge but my mental health is a mess. It’s my first job and only reference I have.

I was fine for a few months and I feel my HARMOCD is coming back. It’s still the targeted thought to “kill mom” it’s bringing me alot of anxiety and it’s the only thought that is still around. What do I do?

Struggling currently struggling with magical thinking and feeling like I’ll never overcome it. What has worked for you?

I spoke to my boyfriend tonight, which made me very happy :) I’m seeing him tomorrow, and I’m really looking forward to it BUT because I’m looking forward to it, my ocd is trying to ruin it 😞 already I have intrusive thoughts - ‘what if something goes wrong and I don’t enjoy my time with him’ ‘it would be the worst thing in the world to get triggered’ ‘I’m so silly thinking I could see him without being triggered or having intrusive thoughts.’ I feel very under pressured, because if I spend let’s say 4 hours with him, if I get triggered in the first 10 mins of seeing him, then the rest of the night is ruined. So, I try and control getting triggered, but I can’t. When I’m triggered, I can’t be present AT ALL, I feel so tense and everything feels wrong 😟 do I just accept I will be triggered? I’m not sure what I do in that moment! (I get triggered by comments that agree with my ocd, thanks 🙏🏻)

I feel like I’m back at square one with my ROCD. I was getting good at managing it and not letting the thoughts about how i “don’t love my partner” , “ he’s not the one for you” , “what if there is someone else out there that’s better and you never meet them because you are staying with your boyfriend” get to me. But now i feel like im back at square one. Everything he does triggers me it feels like- and my immediate thought is to break up because he’s not the one for me if everything he does causes me distress. And i just don’t understand how i got here. I feel like I’ll never be able to enjoy my relationship with him again. I don’t feel a spark anymore and i feel numb towards him. BUT I DONT WANT TO FEEL THAT WAY! I want to feel how i felt a few months ago before all this ROCD took over my life. I feel awful and guilty that he has to be with someone who thinks such awful and sad things about him & the relationship we have. I don’t understand how this could happen to me/ us. We use to be so happy all the time and i miss that. I feel guilty saying I’m not happy and that makes me think i need to leave him. But i also know it’s OCD …but also …is it? How do i know ? It’s driving me crazy. What if i never get the happy spark with him again. Some days i feel it and it feels like nothings wrong & i cherish those days so much. I ruminate on our relationship and how it use to feel before this OCD took over and ruined it for me/us. It makes it even worse because he says he’s still happy and in love and it makes my guilt sky rocket. I feel like i can’t feel any emotion towards him like i use to. Maybe the relationship is just over? I don’t know. I just feel hopeless and sad and frustrated and like the worst girlfriend.

I hate how I can be feeling fine for a few days, barely any thoughts and if I do they don’t bother me, but then there are times where I intentionally think of them. For example, the past three days I was doing pretty good. Not really having my harm thoughts and feeling well overall. However, today I noticed I was ruminating a bit about my thoughts. Like I purposefully made myself think of them and dwell on them. I don’t have any anxiety anymore. I just feel nothing. Maybe I’m just used to them? I don’t know. But I still feel the urges - like I really want to harm someone and I want to act on it. It feels like pent up energy or something, and I’m holding myself back. It feels inevitable that I will eventually act on them. And for me to purposefully think about them makes me think I’m fantasizing or actually desiring them. Like actual wants. Plus I don’t feel like the homework that I have been given is as effective. Like just responding in with neutral “ok’s” to the thoughts just feel pointless or rather feels like I don’t want to get rid of the thought. I should be glad that maybe I’m improving, but at the same time I don’t feel like I am…I still feel stuck. I still feel like there is actually no cure and I have changed into this, and that it’s only a matter of time until I’m okay with acting on these thoughts. I just feel off and strange. Sometimes it’s difficult to know who I am, what I want, etc.

I had a relapse on porn again which I'm not being too hard on myself on. The problem is though when I do sometimes go on adult sites for videos or pictures it's really easy to see disturbing messed up things in fiction unfortunately. This is why I stick to softcore things because they are simple and not taboo but then there's still the risk of seeing nasty things people are uploading to sites. I absolutely can't stand it. I get some unfiltered searches are just so disgusting and gross that have NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT I SEARCH. This happens even on YouTube. Pretty much anything l use to search for very specific searches. They always involve adults or women that I feel like very adult oriented. When I'm not sure, I try to look up their age. When looking though, I would stumble upon very suspicious, disturbing content in the form of playlists or under channels sometimes when Iust want to look at legal only things. l just want to be free of this cycle. I feel like l'm a bad person just for coming into contact with this stuff accidentally whenl don't want to see it. I know I've made posts like these in thepast but it just causes me a lot of distress when it happens. There's someone out there that I have feelings for and I just never feel like I'm ready because this holds me back. I'm trying to work through it in therapy but it's just been difficult, although very helpful. I just want all of this to stop. I just want to get the images of seeing messed up things out of my head both from my teen years and now. I still remember the things I've seen and I still remember how when I was a young teenager I didn't know any better and thought it was okay to see things like that without any sex education. I just hate this and want it to go away forever.

This is something I'm struggling to navigate around at the moment. What advice or lessons have proved useful to you? (by beliefs, I mean any and all belief systems no matter how big or small)

To addresses overthinking, which occurs when past events are analyzed and future events are worried about to the extent that focusing on simple tasks becomes difficult. Here are three effective methods: 5-4-3-2-1 Technique: Distract yourself by using your senses to focus on five things you see, four sounds you hear, etc. Counter-Belief : Identify and challenge weakening beliefs by forming and testing positive counter-beliefs. Delay Worrying: Set a specific time for worrying, which often diminishes the anxiety's I hope this helps

Hello, at the risk of seeking reassurance, I wanted to see if anyone else here had experienced what I consider a strange thought process in my ocd. I have suffered from harm and existential themes for around 4 months now, with the existential themes having stemmed from the initial fear that I could become a violent person (triggered by something I read online). Before I knew better I would argue and engage excessively with the thoughts to try and disprove them. This led me to tread into very dark and strange philosophical territory. For example: I would tell myself that there’s no way that I could hurt someone because I am repulsed by the thought and I know that if I ever were to cause harm, I would feel awful. But logic doesn’t work on this, so my brain would then suggest that I could still hurt someone despite not wanting to because I could actually somehow want to feel awful. This led to a lot of bizarre thoughts about whether I actually want good things for myself and what essentially amounts to an identity crisis and fears that I am in denial and actually have some sort of evil shadow self that I’ve been unaware of my whole life. As if the more I tried to reason my way out of it, the more I lost touch with reason. I don’t want any reassurance, just looking for some commonality and maybe encouragement to keep working on getting better.