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I will never get my old life back and my old brain back. This OCD has gotten so bad that it feels like there will never be a way out. And when I do feel better, the OCD tells me that I have accepted it. The thought that only makes it worse

My OCD has never been this strong, it's so real, it feels like it will never go away, it's never been this strong for me and it's very scary.

rocd is really hard. and it’s hard to differentiate what you really feel based of what your ocd is making you feel or believe that you feel. but i think ive learned that a lot of my thoughts stem from real thoughts but ocd just exaggerates them into something they’re completely not. i will have a genuine thought about my boyfriend and how i wish he did something a little differently one time and my ocd will immediately twist it into, “oh you want to change him, you don’t love him for who he is, you like his potential not him” and i KNOW that’s not true. but ocd obviously will make me go crazy about it in the moment. and it’s obviously draining. i have a coworker that is the center around by rocd a lot of the time and it has to do with how i think he’s attractive, yeah he’s attractive and a good friend!!!! but that’s all!!!! i know that even if im in a relationship my eyes aren’t closed and im gonna find people attractive. but i can find people attractive and have it mean nothing!!! but my ocd will twist it. “you like him and not your partner” “you wish it was him and not your partner” when i have a negative thought about my partner, this coworker will pop up and my OCD will be like “it’d be better with him right?” “am i settling for my boyfriend?” “does my coworker have more potential?” and it’s so draining… i admire my coworker but i don’t want to pursue him romantically. i know from the bottom of my heart that my boyfriend is who i want to be with. i have no doubt about it. but my ocd will say “unless you do and you’re suppressing it” and sometimes it’s like this nagging voice that attacks me when i know it isn’t true but despite me being able to differentiate what is ocd and what is me to some extent, that doesn’t make this any easier. my ocd will still make me question it all. this whole thing makes my relationship feel stressful and not peaceful. not really sure what to do as i move forward im just kinda figuring it out as i go.

I’m looking for support or advice from anyone who’s experienced something similar. I feel disconnected all the time, stuck in a fog of depersonalization and derealization. I’m terrified of losing touch with reality—I avoid watching TV because I’m afraid I’ll think the characters are talking to me, and I constantly monitor my thoughts, worrying I’ll hear voices. My thinking feels slower, scattered, and disorganized. Random words, phrases, or songs pop into my head, and I obsess over them. Even simple tasks or hobbies, like playing video games, feel unfamiliar and overwhelming. I’m having multiple panic attacks daily, with thoughts like, “This is it—I’m about to have a psychotic break.” I’m scared I’ll lose my mind, my relationships, and my ability to function. I’ve been prescribed Risperidone to help with the loud thoughts. Has anyone else experienced this? I’m really struggling to find hope

I can't take it anymore, my OCD is too strong, it's simply taking away my whole life's strength and my will to live, I just can't take it anymore, it's too strong, I can't live anymore

Idk with my soocd it’s weird lately. Before I was able to enjoy all manners of queer content. Lesbian, gay, trans, bi etc. I am bi so yippee right? But lately I’m so scared to interact with lesbian only media or books or smthn cuz I’m worried it’ll make me realize I’m gay and abandon all attraction to men including my bf which doesn’t feel right and I feel bad about it. I haven’t watched anything queer lately really, minus squid game s2. I might watch drag race cuz I love drag race. I haven’t rewatched good omens in a bit both cuz of Neil being.. bad and a little bit Maggie and Nina. Idk. It sounds homophobic and I can kinda laugh at it but I’m worried it’s true. I’m worried I’m gonna relate to much and that must mean OOP GUESS IM A LESBIAN! Which no hate, love women but I love my bf. And I wanna stay with him. I’m worried about seeing a representation of comphet or smthn and realizing oh shit that’s me. I’ve avoided I saw the tv glow for the same reason cuz one of the characters is a lesbian. I follow a few lesbian couples and I’m happy for them, idk if that’s an exposure. I’m worried about everything honestly. Sometimes I feel like I’m just in denial. This is one of those moments where the anxiety isn’t super high and I feel half normal. I keep getting this thought in my head “if you didn’t have your bf you’d be gay” which idk if that’s true. I have been so deep in obsessions I feel no attraction to other men but I’m analyzing anyways. Even before this set in I didn’t look at other guys or anyone really cuz.. I have a bf. I’m worried I’m that delayed person who keeps denying and denying but I’m not denying shit. I like men, more specifically my bf. I’m just not one to be all fangirly tbh unless it’s a character or actor I really like. Idk. If anyone has advice pls hand it over cuz I just wanna love my bf in peace cuz I do love him a lot I just can’t feel it cuz I’m so depressed lately. And obsessive.

I'm dealing with schizophrenia ocd stiiiiilll and I read ocd can be about anything soo yea now I'm having absurd random thoughts that are crazy.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with feelings that I might be sabotaging myself in my relationship. By sabotage, I mean that I find it hard to stop engaging in compulsions, like seeking reassurance or overanalyzing my thoughts. I also sometimes behave badly with my boyfriend, and the intrusive thoughts I have can completely change my mood. I love my boyfriend—he’s such a good, beautiful, and wonderful person—but I’m afraid these thoughts are going to ruin things. I truly want to love him, but I’m scared. I know the thoughts are anxiety-driven, but they still make me question if I’m forcing myself to stay with him. Today, for example, I felt okay earlier, but when he called me on video, I suddenly felt like I didn’t feel anything, and I started thinking I don’t like how he looks. These thoughts hit me like a wave, and I panicked. Usually, I find him very attractive, but when these thoughts come, I feel sad and disconnected. What’s confusing is that I also have many moments—like today and in the past few days—where I’ve felt really good and I’ve felt love for him. I feel awful writing this because my boyfriend doesn’t deserve this, and I feel like I’m posting out of habit. It makes me scared that I don’t want to accept the truth, even though I know I care about him. I hate feeling this way because it feels like I’m betraying him by having these thoughts and posting them. Has anyone else dealt with these feelings of sabotaging their relationship or feeling like they’re forcing themselves to stay? How do you cope when the thoughts feel like they’re true, and how do you work through the fear of letting go of anxiety

First, I had simple OCD. It all started when I was 14. I was morbidly afraid of bacteria. I always went home after school, showered, changed clothes, and applied body lotion to every part of my body. And I always I washed my hands and I couldn't touch my things without washing them first, and when I washed my hands and I was like, "What if I didn't wash them, then I went to wash them again?" The doctor was always quick. My hands from washing my hands a lot, this didn't bother me yet, then the intrusive thoughts came, in 2017 I notice that I was always attracted to women and now I only desire and want them, I am afraid and disgusted by gay people I have no problem with them, I'm just afraid of them and the whole thing is disgusting to me and when I saw that many people were gay, this became gay, that became gay and I was afraid that they were gay too and these things kept coming. Intrusive thoughts what if they are gay and I was in fear and anxiety then it went away it came back worse but it was completely gone it disappeared for years then they came After the false memories, I struggled with them, they were also things related to homosexuality, that I did this and that, and in the process I fought with myself, and then it went away and it wasn't at all. I had symptoms after I had a girlfriend who I was with for 3 years. I loved her more than anything. I wanted to spend my whole life and future with her. And when I was with her, I didn't have any thoughts of lust at all. My false memories were perfect, I lived for years without symptoms, I had 1 or 2 intrusive thoughts very rarely, but they passed me by smoothly, I didn't care and they disappeared, then I didn't click, what if I'm gay? And like this because I knew I wasn't the one then after my girlfriend left me and a month passed I saw a gay kid on TikTok and another intrusive thought came to me, believe this is me, what happened in the meantime Not with myself and I didn't know about OCD at the time and the more I fought with myself the worse it got. 0 24 I had intrusive thoughts about being gay I imagined this I said this I said this I thought I thought what in the meantime when I was with my girlfriend I loved sex with her and I really wanted it I'm the same as before I'm still straight and I only want and want women and I'm afraid and disgusted by gay people, the only problem is that I have obsessive thoughts and so I can't live peacefully and it makes me insecure. Meanwhile, I know I'm straight because I love sex.I used to desire it with my girlfriend and I still desire it now, just like before, I even masturbate to it, I desire it so much and when I watch porn I only look at the woman and if I see a man's ass or something, I get it.Or I turn off her face, I immediately feel disgusted and turn it off. I usually watch things where only the woman is visible and I can imagine myself with the woman. If I see a man's ass or face, I'll turn it off. The translation is not perfect because I am not English, sorry, the point is that I am heterosexual and I only desire and want women and I masturbate to them too, it's just a process, my thoughts are intrusive. Which is quite disturbing and I can't live with it, while I'm still the same person I was, I only desire women and I only want them, I masturbate to them. And for my girlfriend because I really want her but at the same time I have intrusive thoughts about being gay, maybe because I'm really afraid of gay people and gay things.

To keep a long story short here are the reasons I feel like I cheated: - I’ve fantasized and daydreamed about this person. - I’ve looked up their social media and scrolled through it (secretly) in an attempt to learn more about them because of my crush on them. I NEVER interacted with their social media in ANY way shape or form (liking/commenting/following/etc). - i’ve spoken with them in a group server (that my partner is also a part of) but i’ve always put a big emphasis on the fact that I am in a relationship with my partner and I talk about him often. The only interaction where I worry I crossed a line was when I mentioned that my ex had a certain trait. Then the person commented on that and said he was surprised I was willing to date people with that trait (he has the trait as well and kept asserting that nobody would date someone with that trait so he was surprised I would). I worry that I said it with the intention to elicit a reaction from him. Would this make it cheating? I definitely found it funny and I told my partner right away about the interaction. I should clarify that I have NEVER interacted with this person on a one-on-one basis, nor have I ever messaged them privately or secretly. Our ONLY interaction has been in a big group server that my partner is also a part of. I have also made a serious effort to stop responding to their messages if we are having a group conversation and only reply to other people and just ignore them. I worry because i know there have been times where i’ve replied to their messages kind of excitedly because i had a crush on them. But these were completely appropriate messages like he was talking about eating lunch (in the group server). I have told my partner about being attracted to them and having fantasized about them. My partner has also admitted to having a crush on a coworker and he said “fantasizing is nice as long as it stays a fantasy.” I completely agree with this but for some reason I really feel like I have crossed a line. I feel like a horrible cheater. I feel so guilty. I don’t know what to do.

As ive said before, my ocd was so strong and life consuming that my therapist thought i would need to go to a facility so that I could be better taken care of. I thought i wouldn't survive the year and started to come to terms that I might have to do the unimaginable to ensure that I could never hurt anyone or say anything wrong. Ive now been a conquerer for over 6 months and its been a year since I developed this severity of OCD. I worked so hard with my incredible therapist to conquer my OCD and to embrace the uncertainty that it preyed on. Id like to make it clear that I still get intrusive thoughts from time to time, but they mean nothing and they do not affect me day-to-day. Sometimes theyre even laughable despite them being day-ruining in the past. Do i slip up and compulse here and there ? yes of course! im human and i make mistakes, but Im equipped to respond to the thoughts and setbacks which allows me to continue moving forward instead of letting it set me back. Today, I have so many things to look forward to. Im applying for schools, Ive taken internships, I have a close relationship with my friends and family (despite the fear of harming them being what my ocd preyed on, and what originally made me push them away), and I can genuinely say Ive gone weeks and months without compulsing and giving into a thought. Ive also learned to use my social media to raise awareness about OCD and have learned that it's way more common than I thought (one of my good friends had been suffering for years in silence). Using social media, ive also been able to lead those who may have it to NOCD (such as my friend and a few others). I promise you, this is the perfect place to learn how to overcome it (whether it be Harm OCD, Symmetry OCD, Germ OCD- whatever). There is so much to look forward to. OCD doesnt define you and it doesnt have to ruin your life. AND YOURE NOT ALONE!!!! (a song i listened to on repeat to help give me the courage to keep working and doing exposures was Tiny Dictator by Sophie May. Even if you dont relate to her themes, it makes you feel less alone knowing someone was brave enough to sing about their OCD and put it on spotify) Good luck to all of you, youre doing amazing and remember to be kind to yourselves and each other <3

does anyone else feel like they’re going to pass out? i’ll just be going on about my day then i just suddenly feel like im gonna pass out, ive never passed out before , i can be laying in bed and i get super dizzy. being in a store or a crowded place is when it’s the worst.

Hello!!! Any advice for rumination here? My gf has been absent for about a month due to her own personal reasons that I’m not gonna share and I have had zero communications with her, but I have had some with someone that knows her. I physically haven’t been able to stop thinking about her and that person and I get so horribly angry and jealous to the point I just want to cut them both off. Our relationship has been exhausting because of so many factors and this is really driving it home, but I wanna stick it out and wait for her. I feel too guilty asking the person about her for a lot of reasons. Almost every day I go through this cycle where I get angry that they aren’t talking to me and paying attention to me. I feel as if our relationship won’t ever be the same, where we used to talk to eachother 24/7 and do so many things together. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I don’t know what to do.

My mom just admitted to me today that she and my dad always thought I didn't interact with my classmates because I simply didn't want to. Back then, they would yell at me on the daily and tell me I was acting snobbish when I "ignored" my peers (which refers to speaking to them really quietly or sitting away from them). And apparently, I would clam up when my parents asked me why I did what I did. This came up today because I was expressing to her that I wish they had gotten me professional help while I was a child, because it had to have been obvious that something was wrong with me. I had severe social anxiety, and I was deathly afraid of my classmates from the age of 7 up till today (I don't remember life before 7). My social anxiety has severely impacted my life. I am an adult who has never made a single friend. I don't know what it's like to have them. All I know is a profound loneliness in life, and the depression this causes. As a college student, I am faced daily with the fact that I have no one to turn to in good times and bad. Outside of my parents, no one would notice if I disappeared one day. This ties into OCD because it makes me realize that maybe they also never noticed that? Maybe they didn't notice how I would line things up over and over again, how much distress it caused me to be the way that I was. Maybe that's why they just thought I was a perfectionist. Maybe they thought I would do the weird things I did because I was just being a child, and not because I was engaging in rituals fueled by anxiety. Maybe they thought my room was messy or I would leave my clothes on the bed instead of hanging them up because I was just being lazy, and not because I was so obsessed with cleaning it a certain way (it was a mix of "just right" and order and symmetry subtypes - I won't get into the specifics) that I became overwhelmed and paralyzed by it, because cleaning just one object would take me an hour. I guess... I always assumed that people are far more perceptive than they actually are. I thought they noticed and just didn't care. I still don't quite understand it, though. My teachers must have noticed that I was completely shut off from my peers, right? That I was completely socially isolated? Maybe they also thought I was just being snobbish and didn't like my classmates? But of course, part of my social anxiety is that I struggle so much to speak my mind. So I don't know how you can expect a child with what is essentially selective mutism (I believe that's what I had at the time, in addition to social anxiety) to be able to articulate the issue. It's not like I understood it myself. After feeling like an alien for my whole life, I finally looked up my symptoms at the age of 14, and "social anxiety" popped up as a potential diagnosis. It was a profound revelation at the time, although it feels so small in hindsight. After being called shy my whole life, I finally had something telling me that that's not what shyness is, that my problems were legitimate. Didn't help in the end since I still didn't get help even after telling my parents. I must sound so bitter, but's easy to judge when you've had time to grow as a person through interactions with others. But think about it. I wasn't socialized. The only people I have interacted with on a semi-regular basis in life are my immediate family members. I don't even know how one articulates their feeling in a way that would evoke compassion from others, rather than pity (which feels belittling) or scorn. I just wish that someone would care. But no one has an obligation to. If you read this far, thank you.

I've never been diagnosed with OCD, but have thought for a long time that I do have it. I've tried to bring it up in therapy but have been shot down as "OCD tendencies". Luckily I'm with a new therapist and am planning to bring it up again. Especially after reading a lot of your posts, I'm really resonating with them. Especially my anxieties and obsessions with my health. God forbid I feel any weird pain or ache, I instantly think I'm dying. Sometimes I get a weird pain in my head and think it's a stroke or aneurysm. Ill go as far as the perform the stroke FAST test. This happens multiple times a day. I also have HUGE anxieties about death and my mortality. If I think about it too much, I get this deep cold pit in my stomach and spiral. Even talking about it causes me sooo much distress. I'm just worried I'll be dismissed or told I'm just self diagnosing because I related to a post online. But if any of this sounds accurate, please let me know. I'd love to be reassured of my obsessions rather than just dismissed as being anxious.

I’ve noticed that I’m somewhat happier also ignoring my thoughts than I am instead of doing compulsions (I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired atp) but I’ve heard you’re technically supposed to do erp rather than pushing under the rug. But idk if I have a thought I just refuse to think about it again and im fine even if I want to do compulsions

I know a few of you saw my posts about my ERP and the googling urges. That didn’t end up going well. My therapist actually decided we needed to halt it for now. The thing is it’s almost like I learned googling is harmless from those few exercises and my brain keeps generating more things to google. Normally I would just spiral and be done but now I can barely hold back from searching for long. I eventually give in. I’m horrified because it feels like I want to find illegal content. I swear on everything I am, I don’t want to find anything even close to it. I’m freaking out because I don’t understand what’s happening. I keep compulsively searching/testing/checking or idk. I keep remembering details and I feel like I need to google again to be sure of something. I feel absolutely insane can someone please help me??? I’m petrified I’m going to get in trouble.

I’ve had so many moments of clarity with my OCD that I love my boyfriend and I’m beyond willing to go through this to be better and be with him. in the back of mind I’ve in a way known I was at least somewhat sexually attracted to women (I’m a woman) since the start of the ocd it was always like “okay. Fine, but I don’t want to date a girl” I only just realized this after the ocd started, I never really argued with this. my ocd has always revolved around if I’m romantically interested in women and not men. I’ve done so many compulsions through this year and a half and 9 times out of 10 have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be with a woman romantically. I always end up feeling like I know I love my boyfriend. But the doubts don’t stop about whether I want to spend my life with a woman instead, my heart literally breaks to think of not being with my bf and imagining him with someone else. I don’t want to be with a woman I know deep down somewhere underneath the anxiety that that’s not what I want. It doesn’t feel natural for me, unfulfilling. I want to tell my boyfriend about the possible sexual attraction to women (ik it’s still ocd related) but I’m scared that once I tell him, I’ll realize that I actually do want to be with women and not with him. Ugh I’ve spent hours today ruminating about this after being solid in my commitment with him for a little while, I’m stuck in this loop and idk how to get out right now

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with intrusive thoughts&images. At first i had intrusive thoughts around my partner, now it’s centred around me & I can’t be around window ledges or medication due to a story I read online(it’s too triggering for me) . Sometimes I feel like I can’t leave my bed due to the thoughts being so overwhelming I just break down and want to sleep. I aren’t taking any medication or therapy yet. I worry that if I don’t give my thoughts a reaction that my thoughts are true and not OCD. I’ve had these thoughts 24/7 for 2 months.

I used a public bathroom at the mall and realized there was no normal soap it was like the ones that came out foamy and I don't trust those so I washed my hands with it first then went looking for another bathroom to see if they had regular soap and they didn't so I stayed at that bathroom and used the foamy soap for a while then I went around looking if stores had soap and then (thank god) in bath and body works they had the tester hand soaps and I took some and walked all the way back to the bathroom and washed my hands for 30 minutes. Also as I was walking around my hands were in fists the entire time not touching anything so I don't get bathroom germs on it. I'm not sure if this is normal or not because yes before the ocd stuff I never had a problem with the foam soap but like it can't be hygienic, right? Like why can't they just have regular soap? I've had so many moments involving washing my hands in public, it's so embarrassing but I can't get myself to stop because embarrassment is better than being infected and gross so I just tell myself that I have to do it to feel safe and keep washing. A bunch of other weird stuff led to me having to use the bathroom at the mall, ocd is really messing me up.