- Date posted
- 9w ago
I cannot for the life of me stop ruminating or checking how I feel about thoughts or focusing on thoughts or creating more thoughts. I feel like Iâm losing my mind. I want to scream. I try not to ruminate about the thoughts, but trying not to just makes me think about them more. I try not to check, but somehow, I still check. I want to let a thought sit in the background, but the more I try not to focus on it, the more I end up focusing on it. I donât want the thought to expand because that feels like engaging with it, but I canât just stop it from expanding. It feels impossible. People keep saying Iâm in control of my compulsions, and maybe thatâs true for the physical ones. But when it comes to the mental compulsions, I swear I have no control. It feels like Iâm missing something that everyone else seems to have, like thereâs some tool theyâre using that I donât have. Controlling mental compulsions has never felt possible for me. Iâm starting to fear them. And every time someone says Iâm in control and can just choose not to do them, I end up beating myself up even more when they happen. Or when I *choose* I guess. I donât know anymore. If this is my fault, if Iâm responsible for this, then what does that make me? I feel like a monster. I am at my witsâ end. How am I supposed to control mental compulsions when it feels like they control me? I freak out when they happen. They donât bring me relief, they just make me panic. I want it to stop so bad.