Hi everyone,
Iâm reaching out for support. Right now I feel like OCD is âwinningâ in my life and I feel suffocated and alone. This is my story and I would love any support, guidance, or advice. Long post, but I appreciate anyone that reads it.
Iâm a 28 year old Muslim middle eastern woman. My family immigrated to Canada when I was a kid. Iâve never been very religious but I consider myself a believer. I also believe that religion is extremely personal and that my relationship with God is mine only. My faith hasnât always been strong, it goes up and down. My family, although not super religious, has always valued tradition and my parents have always wanted me to marry someone Muslim and Arab. They are very adamant about that and very against mixing with other cultures and faiths. My father passed sway in my early twenties, and Iâve always struggled with doing things that he wouldnât approve of and having him be disappointed or ashamed of me. I was very close to my dad - his death was really traumatic and I miss him everyday.
I am in a relationship with a kind, caring man who loves me and takes care of me. We were friends first and I tried to not let things progress past friendship because I knew my family would never approve. But eventually we both confessed feelings and that led us to a relationship. He makes me happy and has healed many things in me that were wounded from past relationships. Heâs Punjabi Sikh, so our cultures and faiths are different. He is not religious at all. When we first started talking about dating, he said to me that if he had to do an Islamic marriage to be with me that he would do it. If thatâs what it took to be with me, heâd do it. That for me was the push I needed to go for it, and let myself get into a relationship with my friend and now lover. He even says that heâs open to our kids learning Islam. He just wants our kids to also learn about where he comes from, of course. I knew that my family wouldnât approve, but having the Islamic marriage would be extremely important to maybe eventually have them accept my decision.
My boyfriend has always been aware of my OCD and is always willing to do whatever it takes to support me. As weâve navigated dating and being in a relationship weâve had some challenges with my ROCD, and weâre actively working on it with exposure therapy. Weâve also had general relationship obstacles that weâre learning to work through, like communication and having different love languages. I tend to be anxiously attached and I get panic attacks when I think Iâm losing people close to me. So even just the idea of a break up makes me feel sick. In all honesty, being in a relationship has been really hard on my mental health. My therapist says itâs like being in constant exposure- which can be exhausting (I always have the thought âbeing single is so much easier because thereâs way less triggersâ but I donât want to believe that or let it dictate my life).
My big struggles right now are guilt from hiding my relationship from my family, and dealing with constant ROCD intrusive thoughts like: âis he the one? You want someone from your own culture, your mom is right, this is never going to work and youâre going to be unhappy and divorced. You donât want to mix cultures, youâre going to hate it, stop pretending to be open to it⌠your aunts and uncles are going to disapprove and cut you off, youâre going to be judged by everyone, your kids are going to be so confused about their identity, travelling back home is going to be so weird and not the same, so you should break up with himâ. Often, this causes me to âtestâ the relationship or look for problems and create arguments. Itâs a toxic cycle, and Iâm so ashamed of it. I also often struggle with thoughts like âyouâre lying to yourself, you want someone from your culture, youâre a bad person for leading him on, youâre a liarââŚ. âYou did this to yourself by dating outside your cultureâ.
Ultimately, I feel torn. How am I meant to know if I actually want to be in this relationship or if I want to do what my family approves of (and what would be easier)? How do I manage the thoughts that tell me opposing things? I have frequent panic attacks and when things are bad, they happen daily and are very debilitating. This is where Iâm at right now, and this is the part that terrifies me. I donât want to be stuck like this. I donât want to lose my boyfriend. That thought terrifies me and I donât think I can handle that. He means so much to me. I also donât want to be suffocated by thoughts - if I have them every day first thing in the morning, does that mean I need to listen to them? Iâm struggling so much and I feel so hopeless. I wouldnât wish these feelings on anybody, ever. I want to feel at ease, more than anything.
