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the NOCD Community

Should I delete my TikTok account? With all the Epstein content and toxicity on the platform it’s caused me a lot of distress and any time I use it ruins my mood. I have so many memories attached to my reposts though

I am trans, and my ocd knows that, it is something about me that I am okay with. But my ocd isn't okay with it, and it will use any opportunity to prove I'm not trans. Today I went down an extremely horrible spiral and watched a transphobic youtube video unknowingly that said that trwns ppl shouldn't transition and that there's is no science in being trans and that really hurts me. And the commenter said that dysphoria is just having low self esteem and that trans isn't valid and it's hurt me so bad and I don't believe these things and it's really hard for me because my ocd keeps telling me the video is right and that trans ppl are valid and I'm wrong and I don't know what to do, can someone please offer me advice on how to navigate this?

“Man, today is a really good day. Like a really really good day. I resist some compulsions without distress. This is so easy. Maybe I’m cured? Wow, this therapy is really working. I’m cured! Did I ever really have OCD? Uh oh, a trigger. I have to solve this now. I can’t resist the compulsion. Let me check with ChatGPT. Once I get reassurance from my wife I’ll be fine. I’ll check the locks one more time. Oh god, I have OCD so bad. It’s completely consuming me. I should be in a hospital, this is SO bad, OCD is completely controlling my life. I can sit with this discomfort. I can do this. Phew! I did it! Okay, I feel great now! Am I cured? Holy crap maybe I don’t even have OCD after all?” It’s just that on a loop, every day, all day.

So this is really awkward and I’m sorry for that. Basically I got a new phone a week ago and was logged in to my work email after hours without me noticing. I was looking for things on the internet because I was feeling spicy and I clicked on a link. With my old phone, it would usually ask me what drive I would like to download it to. My new phone did not do this and uploaded it straight to my work drive. I IMMEDIATELY panicked and deleted it (and emptied my trash). I know Google Workspace usually has another trash or something that holds on to files, so I’m panicking right now. I also have a hard time with my sexual side, so I just feel so evil and sick. I know that no one will likely see it as my company is small and has no prowess when it comes to technology, but I’m so scared I’m going to get fired and lose this job that I love and I feel like the most perverted freak ever. I want to seek reassurance, but can’t because that’s OCD. I feel like I’m always going to have this hanging over my head like I’m just waiting for them to fire me. Idk if anyone has any advice…

Last post promise !! Ahh there's too much going on, I don't plan to post this frequently after all of this stressful phase is out- I'll normally just post once a few days, but with this one I may need some actual help because it could end up helping me long term . <:") I'm going to an appointment tomorrow as in a follow up for something, nothing (!!) related to mental health and stuff like that because currently that isn't a concern to anyone besides me. But there's times where I ask to talk to the doctors alone so I can express concerns on how I'm feeling mentally as well.. Thing is that I'm not diagnosed with anything officialy. You may have heard this from me a couple of times now but I want to mention it again. Yes there's been high concerns expressed with issues and with OCD it's so painfully obvious and have been suspecting for a longgg time, by both me and doctors + few others. Nontheless I can't just say "Yeah my OCDs been stressing me out" I don't want the doctors to think I'm already diagnosed but at the same time I hate sort of saying my symptoms and then having to work out the conversation until the doctor tells me "Yeah, just letting you know those are some major OCD tendencies" believing that I'm a beginner to these symptoms and give me advice that I already know... most progress I get to is second base. T^T that's it. I just really want to get diagnosed now or get some sort of help I need and I'm SO close to just get to that point.. Any advice on how to be straightforward with doctors with these things while getting progress? What do you guys say ? Also how could I tell the doctors that I have been feeling stressed/not okay for a long time and get the help I need without causing further concerns ?

I have a big trouble with my age Like since i was 14 my birthday is at june but the moment december hit i felt 15,now i'm 15 and i feel 16 or 17,like when i see someone who has "15" in their bio i feel as i cannot interact with them because they could be freshly 15 and they'll be 7 months younger and that'll make me weird for even liking their post or smth💔 I cannot bare it i feel weird for finding an character that i made who is 3 weeks older than me attractive since i feel 16 (even tho the character will be 16 before me😐) Also i feel weird for saying i'm just 15 and not 15 and half but now i'm 15 and 7 months so idk how to label it anymore,I won't be saying i'm 15 and half and one month it doesn't make sense😭 It's like a year is six months for me and not twelve months and i don't have this problem for others like when my friend is born in may i see her as 15 not 16 but i'm born at june and feel 16 or 17 because i know how fast time passes (especially if the year is 6 months for me) I also have fear ages like when i was 14 my fear age was 15 now i'm 15 and my fear age is 17 (it was 16 before but now my brain started to focus on 17 instead for some reason💔) Don't know if its a ocd symptom theme or what but it's mostly all i can think about👎 I'm kinda scared to post it as i find it kinda stupid but i really bothers me

i have problems with basic hygiene. i dont wash my teeth, i shower every three-four days. its also a problem for my boyfriend and i understand it. i was thinking, is it possible that this is because at the beginning of my ocd i was very careful about constantly washing my hands and hygiene in general and now im just burned out?

I'm gonna describe a situation, plz give me your thoughts. A girl has hocd, has had multiple episodes in two years. Then one day, she feels the thoughts creeping back in and is in an episode again. However, this time is different than others. About a few weeks into this episode, they get a feeling that feels like a "knowing" that she is gay. This feeling sticks around and even grows stronger throughout the next few months. It is now 3 months later, and it still feels real and strong. It feels like more of a constant feeling instead of thoughts. But the girl hates it. It feels like reality rather than hocd, it feels like shes in denial of the truth. She's still obsessive. Googling about it everyday, hoping it goes away, etc. It only goes away occasionally when she attracted to boys briefly, but usually she feels numb or no attraction towards boys, and feels attraction towards girls. The person feels calmer and not as anxious, but also distressed and not happy about the situation. It's like they went from questioning to a feeling of "this is the truth". However, they still don't want to be gay, they hold onto hope it's still hocd. What do you think is happening?

I guess I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ve had ROCD for much of my relationship with my now fiance, and it’s just morphed while in different stages of our relationship. First, I was uncertain whether to date him. I came from quite a religious background (no more), so dating was akin to planning on getting married. I put a lot of pressure on myself to decide “could I see myself marrying him?” which is hard to do without dating someone, ha. Then, in our relationship, I fixated a lot on whether I could trust him and the depth of his feelings for me. My worries were endless and unfounded. I engaged in a lot of reassurance seeking behaviors with him and online, intense rumination etc. Now that I’m engaged, I’m suddenly panicked and questioning my own feelings toward him. All my past “doubts” are used against me in my mind, which makes our relationship feel doomed. It’s very scary to deal with “Do I love him in a forever way?” kind of thoughts because they feel more in my control. Like, I could decide I don’t. But on what basis? Anyway, have people gone through all these types of ROCD? When doubting your own feelings, did it feel the worst like it does for me? What exposures did you do or how did you manage your thoughts to cope?

So I went and saw my therapist and I’m doing work again and I feel like I’m starting the process to heal and face things. I have been avoiding stuff for 3 years, smoke weed everyday, I don’t work, I have no idea what I want for my future, and I’m married to someone who was my best friend first. He told me I have ocd but while I was on that journey in my past, I didn’t like him, he liked him, but I had a big crush and talked to his friend for 3 years. The guy was an asshole and played me. But I can’t shake that I had such true and real feelings. So how can I move on with having that and being with my husband? And I have a hard time shaking that I want to be with my husband, because in the past I just didn’t like him as a friend. I want to heal and figure this out. I don’t want to waste his time, but I feel like he’s my person for a reason and I just COMPLETELY don’t see it because the gunk of the past. I had a spark feeling when I met the other guy and I didn’t with my friend and I don’t know if it was because I shut it down with my husband so early on, because I met the other guy first. Or is it because I just didn’t like him & maybe it’s true, but does that mean we can’t have it? Or I really just don’t like him. But i have a thought that still feels sticky and I don’t know if it’s ocd or it’s real. A couple times i have a thought that I avoid and sometimes I don’t know if it’s because I secretly know it’s ocd and I’m not engaging in a compulsion if I don’t think about it or if it’s true and I don’t wanna accept that I don’t like him. But I get a scary thought that I know I don’t like him sometimes but I don’t wanna give this up yet, and I’m still not 100% sure (and yes my brain tells me that I feel so happy and sure sometimes), and I don’t wanna end it yet because he’s cool and I like hanging out with him. Like what if I have malicious intent or I’m not sure. And I feel bad because can I move forward and still try to figure out while I have that feeling. And that fact I don’t wanna accept it, does that mean this is the core and main issue and I don’t like him? I wouldn’t do it on purpose. But What if im just selfish and I’m scared to accept it for myself and I’m not taking him seriously . That would be very scary , and I hope not. God help me. So basically my thought is: oh I know I don’t but I like hanging out with him and I don’t wanna give this up yet. So I’m gonna stay until I know if this is 100% , even tho it feels 100%. Am I shitty for that? I want to figure it out but can I do that with him, and am I lying to him? Or is this ocd?? Like sometimes I think I’m accepting a scary thought and the calmness is just calm. And not that it’s true. Isn’t that the point, you find calmness in this being true because you really think it’s true. And maybe once I heal, and figure this out, it won’t be, and I actually like him? Sincerely, An ocd gal ☹️

hi friends. i received my diagnosis about a month ago. i didn’t expect it, as i was seeking treatment for what i believed was strictly severe anxiety. i’ve been doing research to try to understand what exactly my specific symptoms are and what this means for myself. i’ve always feared death an unhealthy and not normal amount. myself, friends, family, my pets, even seeing roadkill destroys me and i feel like i will vomit out of sadness. the earliest time i recall having a compulsion around it, i was a child. my grandfather had passed and i wouldn’t let my grandmother go to sleep because i was convinced she would die if she did. oftentimes i feel i cannot let myself sleep now for the same reasons. i’m not quite sure if it’s always an OCD symptom, because sometimes there ISNT a compulsion. just paralyzing fear where im stuck. i can’t move, think, get up, cope, im frozen. any advice for how to manage these thoughts?

Do you live in a constant state of fear or is it just me?

I felt confident in the morning, did my homework from 4-6 AM/attempted to study for my math test for 30 minutes- and next thing you know 1st block of math and by the end of the test I was the only one left to finish it and the only one who turned it in with 4 questions missing, didn't even finish the quiz. I feel so stupid. :^( It's like my mind went blank and I had 1000 thoughts spinning around all at once. I'm so forgetful with information + procrastination and overall anxiety just gets to me. I suspect I have some sort of ADHD or some sort. (but of course I'm not diagnosed & don't have too much knowledge with my symptoms and whats what for that, so it's not a definite answer.) And with OCD, now I'm horrified I'm going to get into massive trouble and I'm preparing myself for more lectures from parents or whatevers coming. I don't know whats wrong with me. T^T And I've ALWAYS been this way so it's not like a burnout moment, despite feeling that way currently. When I turned in my quiz I said "I couldn't finish it all but I did the most I could" with my usual voice pitch going 3x higher and the teacher at that class said he'd talk to my math teacher about it and I went "😁... (nods and walk away)" I've been having nightmares of me going on my knees crying and begging for forgiveness to my teachers and everyone which sounds SO dumb I know I giggle each time I wake up but I'm still really scared. 😵 Anyone who's neurodivergent and goes to school/has had experiences from school. How has it been for you or how was it for when it came to assignments/procrastination? And if you have any advice please do let me know !!

Kinda long but any advice because I can’t find ways to work through this😣... My boyfriend and I are super honest with each other, one of my biggest fears is feeling like I’m not telling him all the truth or that I’m lying to him.. so I tend to confess a lot. I’ve been really struggling with one thing specifically and don’t know how to go about it. A couple weeks ago my ex added me on Snapchat, I immediately blocked him once I saw it and told my boyfriend about it. Fast forward to last week, my boyfriend and I had a bad argument and I felt like things were going to be over, so naturally my rocd thoughts were going insane like “I should just add my ex back after we break up, he treated me better than this, etc” we ended up working it out and things are better now. BUT the other day I just went through my block list just to see who is all blocked and realized my ex wasn’t on there!?! So then I started freaking out and questioning myself like omg I lied to my boyfriend now because I told him I blocked him when I actually didn’t, or what if I actually unblocked him when I was upset and just don’t remember it?? So now I just feel awful and guilty and feel like I have to confess this to my boyfriend but then I’m like how do I even explain it?? “Yeah remember when I said I blocked him, I meant to but didn’t.. it was either that or when we were fighting I was thinking about unblocking him and I guess I did, but I don’t remember actually doing it” I already felt bad about the thoughts I was having when I was upset, so now I just feel like I’m hiding this 😭😭

What subtype is it when I constantly think about any thought or action in my past. I use to dress better going to a certain place l owing so and so would be there or I thought about this or that around ai and so. But I am and was married. Am I a horrible wife? Is this normal? And then I can’t let it go until I confess ( my biggest compulsion) to my husband. What if I haven’t thought of absolutely every thought or action I’ve ever done and I’m a lying wife bc of it. And then I dwell, is this even my ocd? Help.

So my story begins way back when I was really young and was still in middle school. This is as far as I can go, I can't remember having any compulsions before (though there could've been). It was basically me riding with my family normally, and then my brain snapped and was like: "What if your father crashed?" Now notice that my father is really cautious when it comes to driving. It's now 2026 and he's been driving for decades and have had multiple cars and only crashed ones (he fainted due to misuse of antibiotics that). And at that time I knew that we wouldn't crash, and even if we did, it wouldn't hurt us in the slightest way. But some inner voice insisted and as ridiculous as that may look like, it made sense to the young me, so I followed its orders. And for a while, every time I got into the car, i would get in between the front seats and crouch, waiting for the crash in absolute fear... Eventually, that fear somewhat faded on its own. where it brings us to another phase, where i knew something was off about me; which was order and symmetry. i needed to fix the pillow, couch, bed, etc... a tiring amount of time before finally sitting and enjoying my cartoons/movies. i noticed that but still blamed it on my personality. hygiene was also a thing where i had contamination fears that had me washing before holding my phones all the time (and obviously not letting others touch, let alone hold it). still not bothering me alot. we move on to covid-19 era, where it sparkled. now i wash my hands for a noticeable long perios, a time where i didn't know I'll miss the color of my hands' skin. i stayed like this for a while, and it wasn't actually that bad, i mean a little wash here and there doesn't take that much time does it? until i got to highschool. Now i started changing my clothes depending on where im going (basically i didn't use pajamas but rather stayed with same clothes until the next shower). And to be honest i dont think that's an ocd thing because feel like its actually disgusting, i don't know how i was doing that, though it's worth mentioning that this realization came to me later in life. soon enough i was in my last year of highschool, i started obsessing with my hair (this is by far my worst obsession), where I'd simply think it's contained just because i was outside, first i ignored it, then started wiping it with little water and tissue, then spraying perfume, and then straight up washing it. and i still remember the first wash, i was in the shower thinking to myself: "man, why am i doing this?" i stayed like this for a while, having to wash my hair ever single night because i feel its filthy and if i don't, say i was tired, I'd sleep at the guest room. once i graduated high school i was so sad because my dream was always to leave my country ever since i was kid, I'd watch only foreign programs/channels, and was really influenced by it. and always dreamed of spending even one day out. and after realizing that I'll be spending my youth studying in a local university, it just shattered me. i tried coping and convincing myself that 4 years aren't much, and force myslef into having friends (eventhough they'd never understand me), however none of that worked. i slowly became just a thing that tries to do the tasks that its been asked to do and wait for time to pass, i struggled with thoughts about and morality, but i think that's just me (i guess?). slowly but surely came april 2025 where my phone stopped working (i washed it... ocd...). i didn't want someone to touch, so i never took it to a phon store until depression fucking killed me and got tired of using my iphone. and boom the screen was burned because of the water. my country is libya which is an islamic, homophobic, arabian extremist. which is not much of a great place for a not straight nor muslim guy like me. then came probably the worst day ever. 14 of july 2025, where there was 5 space geodesy homeworks and a whole long ass survey project, and an exam due to the day after. obvious, barely wrote any homework, barely the project was ass. did a really good job by picking a soul sucking major despite what im going through. big shout out to my young slef. the lack of sleep because of the previous exams, the depression, and the "just wait for it" kind of life style all broke at once that night. for the first time ever i experienced such a feeling. my heart was racing sooo fast i could barely stand on my feet, i obviously had to let go of my study, and try to sleep. but it was too late. i kept fighting this urge and try to ignore, but nothing worked. eventually i got up to the bath and forced my self to throw up thinking it could ease the pain in my stomach/chest. nothing came out of my mouth yet the noise i was making was so loud that i woke up my mom. she woke my father and they took me to the hospital, and was given IV, none of it worked. the pain was in my mind pretty much. i remember even being disgusted even to lay back on the hospital beds. same thing almost happened the very next exam, but i fought it. that week, was all a bunch of sleepless nights to me, which kept worsening it even more. since that day it flared up and fucking swallowed me. i was anxious the whole time and looking at my surroundings endlessly. and now i treat my hair like my god, washing so frequently and thoroughly. one time i washed for 2 literally hours... that day i knew i had lost my mind and that i need help. so i did go look for a clinic, but the thing is.. i live in libya.. mental health basically doesn't exist. if i ever said this shit to anybody, they'd probably think im possessed (no joke. one time a whole neighborhood caught on fire, and a dude working in there said it was due to a faulty electrical wiring and overloaded circuits. would the government admit that? noooo it was a sorcerer, and you must believe it otherwise you're blasphemous and you better prepare your neck). i tried ERP on my own bya trying to go outside without washin but that only made pay more attention to my surroundings and not get my hair dirty. watch out from that, don't go from here, wear your hoodie, don't scratch your head and so on. until one day i could even pass by our bath!!!! yes "PASS" as in from the outside. cuz now just looking at somthing will have me imagining myslef touching it, therfore triggered. and had to actually record myslef every time i pass from it. and the recording was helpful in the beginning but now i just record myself everywhere like an idiot. i dont know if ill ever recover and i genuinely don't see a way out of this.k cant even go outside or function normally i no longer recognize myself. like literally, i don't remember what i was doing in life, what's my favorite game, food, color, or anything i cried yesterday over the fact that I'm looking at old photos and notes of me trying to remember how i looked like from the inside. i felt like sharing this just so that people reading this could do something quick about it rather than letting it take over your life. yes im just like you, i saw people with severe ocd and didn't see myslef reaching such a point, yet here i am beyond that point seeing the rest of me being infused into it. sorry if there's mistakes, English isn't my first language.

My mom has always told me whenever I have my like really bad days that it’s just ocd but I’ve never gotten tested, but it does seem to run in my family as my brother, dad, & grandma all have lots of signs for ocd. How can I ask my mom if I can get actually tested?

So there is something I legit want to fast for for guidance and to help others bc there is something only God could do and only some things pass through prayer and fasting. But I feel like mine just don’t work but I want to for something that is important and big event in my life and if I don’t do it if I goes wrong it’s my fault cuz I didn’t do it. So I want to to help but also hard at the same time then when I keep skipping it I feel selfish like bro you can not eat breakfast to fast for those you love.

I’ve always enjoyed writing but before getting medicated for OCD, I found it incredibly difficult. Today in talk therapy I shared a tool kit I made after an interesting session in CBT group therapy, where we talked about reframing our thinking. **CBT obviously does not cure OCD**, (I am starting ERP soon), but since I am getting to that stage where the distance between me and my thoughts feels significant enough and ruminations are starting to feel more intentional and forced (so I can control when to stop them) rather than fulfilling, anxiety inducing, or compulsive. I am surprisingly finding a lot of solace in just writing things down and putting my ideas, thoughts, and values on paper. When prior, my ruminations were so severe it seared my creativity and drive to write. It feels like a step towards healing. Creating a toolkit questionnaire for the feeling of helplessness my thoughts gave me was particularly good. I had this realization that if things like CBT exist, or ERP, and I-CBT then it’s external proof for me that indeed, my thought patterns are negative, untrue, unnecessary, and they do need deconstruction. And there are people out there who are educated and trained to help with that deconstruction process. And it’s starting to get better. Example: **For existential OCD, journaling about how my day went helps me to put in retrospect how I am living a normal human life like everyone else. That existential thoughts with delusional themes were mere irrealities that my imagination created, that my brain tried assigning importance to due to the chemical imbalance, and thus, it felt real. But what’s real was always what was in front of me. My hobbies, my goals, my creativity was being used against me.** And now that I am “getting out of OCD” and into a peaceful more state of mind, I am appreciating these small things. A question that helped me out a lot in my tool kit was **“Do I want to heal from this thought or do I want to dwell on it?”** Another one was; **“how has my relationship to this thought changed since starting my medication?”** Another one was; **“Does this thought help me become a productive member of society?”** And the goal is for me to answer honestly, face it head on, instead of simulating a forced rumination on it. And after reflecting on my responses (and these are just 3 out of 12 of the questions mind you) I am supposed to let it go. And allow myself to enjoy the peace that I am allowed to have. **I am aware that everyone’s journey with OCD is different. I am aware that my method is not for everyone,** but maybe just one person out there who also loves writing, but lost it to OCD can benefit from knowing there is hope to gain that back in a productive and healing way. **I am at a stage where doing this does not give me ruminations so keep that in mind. I don’t even feel a compulsion to do this. It feels like a natural want that brings me joy and peace!** So if you are at that stage too. And you want to pick up journaling or try out reflections to externalize the OCD and take away some of its power that it’s allowed to have when it only stays in your mind, definitely try this out. For me, it’s also helping by way of giving me something to look forward to. **I am now able to view OCD as a glitch in my mind that’s not supposed to be there. An illness and a rotten piece of trash that needs to be dealt with rather than a source of truth that needs to be taken seriously.** And journaling, writing, and my toolkit has been greatly helpful with that. I am sharing this update to give you guys hope. It can get better and it will. I know OCD will probably try to tell you; “oh but it’s different for you, this won’t work for you because her thoughts were untrue but YOURS aren’t.” Oh I’ve been there!! OCD told me the same thing. I got to a point where I had an intrusive thought about how one of my other intrusive thoughts were “hidden knowledge that only I knew” (not true btw, there’s no such thing, even in a religious context a thought like that wouldn’t be a legit thing you can trust) **it was all part or the illness and for you too it’s ALL part of the illness.** But until you get to the point I’m at where the medication is working and the thoughts feel more distant, stay strong. I had a tough fight to get here. And I hope your journey has a beautiful resolution.

I used to always be able to like out think my bad thoughts, and eventually come to a conclusion that I 100% dont wanna do these awful awful things, and now it feels like no matter what nothing really helps or makes it feel better. I practically always feel at least a little like I might be this terrible, despicable thing. Im so scared.