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I can’t stop thinking. I can’t stop spiraling and ruminating. I’m convinced I like this guy at work, when I see him I get scared of how I feel and practically run away/stare at him with a weird face trying to figure out how I feel. I think he’s cute and funny, and some rare times when I think about it I feel a genuine butterfly feeling but I DONT LIKE HIM. I swear to god but then it feels like I do and I avoid talking to him or anything and I’m so scared. I’ve gotten to the point of losing it and trying to physically hit the thoughts out of my head. I feel feelings sometimes around him but they’re also not real??? And I imagine him caring about me like an intrusive thought, and I was excited to hangout with him outside of work with my friends and didn’t end up going because I DONT WANT TO BE EXCITED. And this goes for other people at work sometimes too. And NO, I CANT LIKE SOMEONE ELSE. I’m trying to get back with my ex and it’s NOT okay for me to do that at all. I feel so much guilt I keep spiraling until I’m a complete mess sobbing and genuinely in physical pain. I don’t even think about him romantically unless I’m wondering about the OCD stuff. But I wondered if I would do s3xual stuff with him I actually was like that wouldn’t be horrible? And when someone says his name at work, he feels like a “different” kind of person at work than everyone else. HES NOT EVEN THAT COOL!!! IM LOSING MY MIND is this OCD?? How do I let it go for now? My ex said he doesn’t care if I like someone else right now but if I’m trying to get back with him I literally cannot let myself. Someone once tried to give me advice and said “ask him out if you like him so much!!” I DO NOT CARE TO NOR WILL I. But is that my brain trying to hide that I do??? Also for example, I imagine if I was at work and someone said “ooh do you like M?” I’d feel a butterfly feeling. But they’re not even like love butterflies but they are idk I can’t do it anymore

Something I’ve been struggling with this is “feeling” of something being wrong and then me over analyzing and overthinking. It’s like my chest gets tight and I start to get really wound up inside that I’ve done something wrong. What’s frustrating is the feeling makes me feel like there is evidence of something wrong when I don’t physically see anything. I continue to tell myself this is just a “feeling”. Anyone else struggle with this or have any tips? I do got to therapy.

I was near the standing air conditioner and me and this girl (my friend) were "bickering" for who got to be in front of the AC, at the end i sat on the ground getting the cold air and looking down, she put her foot under my knee or arm and started pulling and I instictively reacted and hit her shin with my arm or back hand and immediately as I did it I felt horrified of what I had done and said sorry and asked if she felt hurt, she was fine and replied that she wasn't hurt and not to worry. Like my hand automatically moved as if I was like patting or swatting in a normal way lile "cmon stop", but I accidentally accelerated or used too much force, because when I heard the impact I felt shocked. It wasn't intentional I didn't even realise until after I did, like it was an automatic instictive reaction. It wasn't a hard swat but still, it felt like a karate chop. I feel like I commited assault and hit a woman. I think it's because she was pulling my leg with her foot and without thinking I instictively and impulsively reacted to move her leg away or make her stop but I ended up accelerating too much. She said she didn't feel hurt and when I went to apologise again she started joking and teasing abt me being someone who "hits" girls. I feel responsible because I don't know how much of it was intentional or not, obviously I didn't mean to hurt in any way or form, but the swatting just automatically happened. I feel immensily triggered by this and have extreme guilt. Because now everything that I preach about morals and being a good person feels invalidated and I feel like a hypocrite undeserving of anything. I feel like a women beater, I don't feel like I deserve happiness or the right to pursuit fun or love, without disclosing this thing. Like a liar. Today I saw her again and it was all fine we were laughing and joking around, but the guilt lingers.

Hi. I am a Christian and I am having doubts about something that would propably seem really silly for most of people... I have a transgender friend and I have decided to call him by pronouns that he uses about himself. I do it to make him comfortable, feeling safe around me and for his mental health (I have read what might happen if you misgender a trans person). I have been feeling okay with it for 2 years but lately without a reason started to feel guilty and anxious all the time, because some people say that I am lying to that person etc. I am too scared to ask any priest, because they would propably say that I am doing something wrong, even if I don't agree with that. I am scared of going to hell and about my friends, that they will also go to hell... My Faith used to be something helpful but now I am scared all the time, I want to do something productive or creative but I often just feel like a terrible person and can't do anything except scrolling or searching if I do the right or wrong thing... I know it seems really personal and you have your own life, but sharing my problems with others actually help me feel better, especially when community is supportive, not judging. Sorry for any grammar mistakes, I haven’t checked it because I felt like I need to let go my negative thoughts now. I know it all sounds stupid...Thanks for reading, no matter what you are facing right now, I wish you all the best <3

3 months ago I never could have imagined how different my life could be. I was on the verge of losing everything to OCD, my marriage, my family, my dreams. My path to recover was far from linear. After receiving my OCD diagnosis I went on to receive several other major diagnoses in the coming weeks. I am so grateful and truly blessed to have a fantastic NOCD therapist, Lauren Gardner. I truly believe she saved my life. Good therapists are worth their weight in gold and she’s a real one! When ERP wasn’t working, she didn’t give up or blame me. We worked together to find solutions that worked with my brain, not against it. Since March of this year I found out I have OCD, Autism, social phobia disorder, persistent depressive disorder, binge-eating disorder, and PTSD. I share these diagnoses not for sympathy, but to illustrate how much my work with NOCD and Lauren Gardner has changed my life. Today, just 3 months later, I’m back in control of my life. OCD isn’t wasting countless hours of my time trying to find certainty and safety, I’ve learned I have a beautifully neurodivergent brain that is capable of incredible things, I don’t avoid leaving my house for fear of what other people might think of me, I have a sense of self-worth and self-confidence for the first time in my life, I eat to enjoy and nourish my body instead of soothe my distress, and I know that no matter what comes my way I have the tools and the resilience to face the world with courage. If you’re struggling right now, I want you to know it is possible. Whatever you want your life to look like, you can get there. And if you don’t even know what life could be, I want you to know it can be better than you can possibly imagine. My life is far from perfect. I still face adversity daily, but now I have the tools and the skills to handle it with grace. My wish for you is that you will find the same healing I have. I believe in you. God bless you on your journey.

Does anyone with Rocd get to a point where they’re making final decisions about the relationship in their head? I feel like my thoughts have come to a place where I am thinking of how i’d say I can’t be in the relationship anymore. I just kind of want some relief from my spiraling and checking how I feel in every moment. I feel like I can’t always meet my boyfriends needs. He is always happy and laughing. There is rarely a moment when he is not imo. And I can be straight faced, still, just want to be quiet and enjoy the silence or do my own thing. But I feel like I always have to entertain him and match his mood. I feel like if I don’t match his mood then i’m being mean and then he’ll think I don’t like him or i’m not having fun with him. My therapist told me recently to try just voicing my genuine preferences sometimes. And I did last week, he always laughs about one of our cats and I don’t find the cat funny in the exact same way all the time and instead of laughing to make him happy like I tend to do, I didn’t laugh. He asked why aren’t you laughing at this? I just said I guess I don’t really find it funny. I felt more empowered to say this. This week we are on vacation and the few times when i’ve just been silent like on the beach or whenever, he asks me what i’m thinking about or even if he doesn’t, I feel a pressure to entertain him all the time. But I think part of my ocd comes from me not being able to really be myself around him. I feel like I always need to match his energy and I use a lot of mental energy to unfortunately be someone i’m not all the time in this aspect. I love him and I think about us and i’m happy most of the time and in the things we do together. This has been my first long term relationship, first boyfriend and everything. I just feel like if I could not feel and be responsible for his feelings I’d feel better. But I feel like I took some of that emotional load because he is always happy and joyous around me. I feel pretty guilty about this but i think I would be happier if I could just be myself. and maybe he’d be happier being with someone who matches his happiness as often as he feels it.

Lately I have been forcing myself to do the compulsive thoughts also my therapist said I’m “desensitized “ (becoming less emotionally reactive or less sensitive to something over time. ) and Today I experienced a lot of intrusive thoughts and confusion about my sexuality and feelings. I kept having images and daydreams involving girls/masc lesbians when I want my boyfriend to automatically show up or when I see cute relatable stuff about couples on instagram . When these thoughts appeared, I noticed strong body sensations like warmth, tight chest, “fuzzy” , or that feeling like that warmth when I’m with my boyfriend like that cuddly warmth feelings that felt very real and convincing and earlier i wanted to daydream about him while i try to sleep but i was worried if he’ll be a girl do k imagine me and my friend talking scout cute earrings and I kissed her? But it’s like I didn’t plan it and I got that warmth feeling in my heart like I just imagined me and my boyfriend kissing and it felt so convincing and I’m like so confused because I didn’t have that panicky feeling but I did cried because it felt so real but it’s like I don’t care . Sometimes I wonder did I really think that? After noticing the sensations, I started checking and analyzing them, trying to figure out what they mean (for example: whether I am bisexual, lesbian, or if I truly love my boyfriend). I also compared sensations between thoughts about girls and thoughts about my boyfriend to see if they felt the same or different. Even when I try to move on, the thoughts sometimes come back and feel real again, which increases anxiety and doubt.and makes me question my feelings for my boyfriend. I am struggling with uncertainty and trying to understand whether these experiences are intrusive thoughts or real desires. I feel stuck in needing certainty about my identity and feelings.

This condition is so frustrating that I was brought to tears while sitting on the toilet. The funny thing is: now that I’m writing this, I’m not even having intrusive thoughts anymore. Maybe it helps 🤷‍♂️. Set the scene: my boyfriend and I were having a conversation about when he’s coming back to my hometown. We’ve been seeing each other for three months now, and we spend an ungodly amount of time at his apartment, playing house. He lives in a different state, about a 5 hour drive. He’s in Spain right now, and when he comes back it’ll be just in time for 4th of July, so he’s gonna celebrate that with his family before coming back to my hometown (where he lives during the school year, etc. He’s in a PHD program). What’s bothering me: when we spoke on the phone today, he couldn’t tell me when he’d be back exactly. A few obstacles prevented him from giving me a firm answer. He’s gonna come back to his home state, trying to make some cash with a client, celebrate 4th of July, all before he can come back down to my state (where his apartment is that he leases year-round). He said he’d definitely be back before mid-July. He ALSO said something like “I know you wanna see me before you go back to school”- as in I WANNA see YOU? What about YOU seeing me? Do you even wanna see me? My brain is using that as evidence that he doesn’t want to be in this relationship anymore. Compulsions: I laid everything out for him. What I said is in screenshots at the bottom of the page. It’s debilitating to think this way. I don’t wanna go to class tomorrow. I know this is an OCD flare up but I don’t even know how to proceed. I’m in therapy, i wanna know if what I did is the right thing, how do I get my partner to show up for me in the right way with my OCD? Anything helps ❤️🌱

I started Prozac about 2 months ago because I have been going through absolute hell since January. I was diagnosed with OCD in 2023, but I feel like I pushed for the diagnosis because of my shame and self hatred about a bunch of real events that were actually terrible. I have been obsessing over my relationship since January, and I've been in therapy twice weekly. My therapist thinks it's likely I Have OCD, and she has diagnosed me with BPD. Over the months, my obsessions have gone from real terrible thoughts and events regarding my relationship from the past, fear that I don't actually know how to love, worry that I'm with my girlfriend out of dependence/familiarity, and feeling very disconnected. There are so many more things I can't even begin to mention here. After I started 20 mg of Prozac, I was feeling slightly hopeful on occasion. Then I upped it to 40mg, and I'm still thinking of nothing but my relationship all day, vut I feel like the meds have dulled both my anxious feelings and my loving feelings. So it's making all of the thoughts feel almost worse than when I was constantly sick to my stomach with anxiety. I feel fake all the time. I can't stop thinking about if this is really what I want, how I don't know how I'm going to come back from all the fucked up things I've thought this year. I don't know how to prove to myself that it's not "just" dependency and familiarity, because I have always been very dependent on her and I'm trying to fix that. I'm obsessed with the idea that I'm lying to myself and I'm in denial about not actually wanting my relationship. I hate it. I have been with my gf for a decade. She is the person I'm closest to, my best friend. I have put her through so much shit with my BPD and other mental health issues. I don't want a future without her. But what if I'm just lying to myself? We've been together since we were teenagers. I have had doubts before, but I pushed through them. No I worry that those doubts were actually my subconscious telling me something, and that I'm ignoring the inevitable by doubling down that I want to be with her when I feel so numb and unsure. I know I want to want her, and my therapist seems to think that if I want to want her this badly, that shows that I do want her. I'm so tired of feeling so fake, disconnected, numb, and sad. I miss how I used to feel. I miss the certainty. I'm so tired and I don't know how this is going to end well when I have been stuck for so long. Does anyone have any advice, specifically around the tipics of denial/lying to yourself/worrying about the subconscious? I'm scared that even if everything gets better, I will always know that I spent months and months doubting everything, that I had thoughts of life without my girlfriend. I hate it here.

Can anyone give me insight of medications they have taken and if it genuinely helped them? I was on Prozac for almost two years but was at 40mg and not sure it helped me much. I am not on medicine right now, but the amount of obsessive thoughts I get daily is overwhelming and I know medicine could take it down a notch. What have you guys tried? Has it helped? I hated the side effects on Prozac- it made me emotionless and unmotivated. I hate that I’m considering going on medicine but I need ocd to shut up a little😅

what’s your main obsession? and what’s the longest one obsession lasted? how’d you get over it

Ok I am finally getting insurance July 1st. It's been my plan to start therapy, but I wondering whether the level of potential progress I can make would justify the money spent. Up until now I have just been relying on medication. I’ve been excited to try therapy for my OCD but now I am skiddish and unsure. Has anyone had some dramatic assistance from therapy? Does online therapy work? Thanks

I’ve read all kinds of retroactive jealousy cases, and none of them talk about my specific scenario. Most if not all cases always talk about their partners past which essentially is what I’m talking about here, but the problem is her and I were together all through high school until senior year, we broke up for two years and both dated other people and were sexually involved with said people. We did decide to get back together and we shared that information to each other. I think I buried it for 20 years because it’s now it’s 2026 and this break up happened in 2018, and out of nowhere right after she said yes to me in November 2025 to be my wife… this flare of intrusive thoughts since seeing what they did together in my mind will not go away. I remember the heartbreak I felt when I found out that she was sleeping with him (he was her bf now DUHHH right?!) but we were still very emotionally attached to each other. We never stopped, loving each other. She was there to all of my hardships as a child since we were together since we were 14 years old. And we both were extremely attached to each other because we survived together. It’s not just thinking about my new girlfriend’s past. It’s seeing a timeline of two people who grew up together and attached so hard that I still felt like someone got MY GIRL… why did this show up 20 years later?! and why can’t I separate these timelines in my mind because every time I see what’s happening it’s always the version I have in front of me doing those things 20 years ago. Either way it’s the woman of my dreams since I was a kid and even now, that’s why I’m marrying her. I was doing the same thing with my partner at the time so logically I know it was OK but my mind doesn’t stop playing it and showing me high definition videos of what I think unfolded and it hurts me deeply every time so it’s like a rolling effective depression because every time I see it the same pain hits again. She doesn’t judge me for it so how does she live there in that mindset? I’m sorry for typing so much. It was just hard to give you a reference because most people talk about their new partner’s past, and this was my ORIGINAL partner and my current partner OF 20 YEARS again… these intrusive thoughts and movies playing of her doing all positions and while she’s next to me. It’s just so heartbreaking every time I see them and it thousands of times a day. I just want to be closer to her again like we were three months ago. I feel for anyone that’s going through OCD in general. But wouldn’t wish this RJOCD on my worst enemy. I hope this treatment will help here.

Just wanted to get some things off my chest. I have a lot of “essence contamination” intrusive memories that just come out of nowhere and I feel it taking over my mind. It makes me feel sick to my core and I don’t know what to do. I need some advice!!

Recently I’ve been struggling with what I think is a subtype of OCD. More specifically, ROCD. However, I’m having doubts that my symptoms and thoughts actually align with what’s considered OCD, and rather I’m “just being dramatic and everyone has these thoughts.” I’m most familiar with Scrupulosity, which I’m managing very well thanks to the help of therapy and medication. But ever since that’s died down my mind has felt free to wander and latch onto whatever it pleases. I know that oftentimes OCD takes over the things you care about, so I wouldn’t be surprised if what I’m dealing with is OCD. I feel like my mind always needs something to focus on and worry about. I’m so used to utilizing it as a “motivator”, so when things are okay, I get very uncomfortable and mentally panic. My first instinct is to quickly latch onto something because it gives me a sense of purpose and direction. “If I achieve this thing I’ll finally be okay.” “If I find this kind of person I’ll finally be okay.” “If I’m certain about my salvation I’ll finally be okay.” So unfortunately I’ve been thinking a lot about the relationships in my life. I’ve been having thoughts like, “What if this person is the one?” “What if they leave and you’ve missed your chance?” “What if you make the wrong choice?” “What if you’re destined to be alone?” “What if you have to settle?” “What if you aren’t psychically attracted to your partner?” “What if your partner isn’t sexually oriented towards you?” “What if the relationship isn’t fulfilling?” “What if you’re not good enough for a relationship?” It doesn’t help that I struggle with comparing myself to those I can’t have. It’s like a defense mechanism, “Wait, why would I be sad? I’m better than them.” Like that. And I don’t like that. I don’t like picking people apart to make myself feel better. And so maybe these thoughts are thoughts that everyone has. I just think what classifies it as OCD or OCD-like is the inability to let those thoughts go. That’s the issue I have, letting it go. I NEED to figure out this person before I can feel okay. I NEED to know someone loves me before I can feel okay. I NEED to solve my life before I can feel okay. Maybe this isn’t ROCD because I’ve never been in a relationship, but I figure that since it follows an OCD pattern, where running away doesn’t help and arguing with the thoughts doesn’t help, sitting with the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings is something that might help. This is just one part of the story. I also have a really, really, REALLY bad habit of latching onto the idea of others and fantasizing about them (not sexually ofc). I assume the best about them and compare those parts to the worst of myself. I subconsciously tell myself that if I can be with them, it’ll say something about my worth. Maybe I’ll be okay. And so with that in mind, I’ve been trying to ground myself in reality. “I don’t actually know who they are.” “I don’t actually know if they’re the one.” “I don’t actually know if they’re this person I make them out to be.” But the thoughts WON’T GO AWAY. I’ve even tried telling myself, “maybe this is ROCD.” But then I have thoughts like, “What if this isn’t?” “What if this is just the way you are?” “What if you’re going to be like this forever and nobody will ever choose you?” “What if you aren’t growing “what if you’re lying to yourself and you’re gonna be in the same place you were a day ago?” So I’ve been trying to tell myself, “Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know.” To EVERY thought that seeks certainty. But even still, just the idea of getting better is hard because I’ve always felt like I was living for something. I need to go to school so I can be successful. I need to work hard so I can get a lot of money. I need to be the best person I can be so I can finally be loved. And it’s hard to do that for myself because I’m so used to doing things and living to prove something. But what if I just existed? And that’s uncomfortable, but it’s good to feel that way. What if I wasn’t working on myself so I could be with someone? What if I didn’t go to school to prove something about myself? What if I just lived day by day? But then I feel lost and sad, and what am I to make of that? Is this OCD and I just constantly need something to think about? Or am I just a miserable human being with a victim mentality? Either case, what should I do to fix it?

I am curious if anyone in heterosexual relationships have related to multiple points in the “lesbian masterdoc”. If so, what did you relate to, and how do you navigate it? A little background on myself and how I relate: I never really had a crush as a kid, I faked one to fit in with my friends, but the first man I had interest in was senior year of high school, I was set up with him for prom. Guys from my school didn’t like me, lol. I’ve only dated men, but often felt I didn’t quite experience attraction/desire so strongly. I never really got the “sparks” thing. I can get aroused and get “there”, but in doing so I have to focus very closely on what I am feeling, if that makes sense. At the same time, in the beginning of the relationship with my current boyfriend we were doing it ALL THE TIME. And since this flare up of fears/concerns we’ve been having a lot more intimacy again. Not from a place of compulsion, I don’t think. I just want to be close to him. When out with friends, I enjoyed scoping out men and if they approached, I’d harmlessly flirt. It felt good to be wanted, even if I was in a relationship and knew nothing would come of it. But I was hardly ever the hook up type and did not want to have sex until I was official with someone. Alternatively, I like to be wanted by my partner, and always ask if he is okay with the amount of intimacy we’re having. He always says yes, and asks me not to initiate if I’m not feeling it (I’ve done that a lot, but there was no contempt or coercion behind it) I am the “chill” girlfriend. Cheating has never crossed my mind with him. I can’t even imagine my reaction if he did, but the idea of him being with another woman makes me sad. I want to be the one to love him. I’ve had curiosity to kiss gay women when out with friends a handful of times. And have been intrigued by a couple of gay women but the feeling made me confused/uneasy. I notice a lot of what women wear, and think that the female body is more interesting than a man’s aesthetically, but I don’t really fantasize about being with either men or women unless I will it to come to mind. I don’t fantasize about weddings. I have thought logistically about things but I don’t daydream. In pornography, I only ever focused on the man in more sensual videos. I am not turned “off” by women, but it’s not what my eye goes to in that setting. What does all this mean? I don’t know! But I don’t want speculation over my identity to sabotage a loving relationship I have with a man right now. I can’t say with certainty that leaving to try dating women would bring me more peace, safety and comfort than this (when I’m not spiraling about how I feel…. Which has been going on for a bit). But at my worst, I know love is there.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my first boyfriend a lot the past day or so and I’m really anxious right now We started dating in the fall of 2022 when we first started college. The whole thing started off pretty quickly, like we moved in and not even 2 weeks later we were dating. Soon after this he began to be pretty mean to a girl we knew of and a few times I had tried to get him to lay off on his comments about her a little bit and he would always have an excuse to justify why it was OK that he did what he did and would be rude towards me for saying something as well, like it was ridiculous that I would say something about it. As time went on this type of behavior continued but focusing on other people, and he would find more and more things to say about people behind their back. If I didn’t support his opinion I was treated like I was being absolutely ridiculous. About 6 months in we became sexually active and it quickly became something that he would use against me, by saying that it made him depressed to not do things with me and that it was the only thing that made him feel OK because he was so miserable all the time. He went as far as to say that it physically hurt if he were to get aroused and not get to orgasm, and sometimes if I decided I didn’t want to engage in anything more after we had started to do things together he would get angry and make me feel bad for not continuing. After we broke up in the spring of 2024 I started being friends with some other people I had lost contact with through the duration of the relationship and they all told me they were glad I was out of it. I was told that it seemed like we just argued all the time, and I found out from my ex’s former roommate that he used to call his friends and talk about how exhausting I was to be around because of my mental health conditions. I am now friends with this roommate, but at the time was only acquainted with because my ex would tell me bad things about him that I’ve come to find just aren’t true. The relationship ended right after our spring break in 2024 when I had a bad situation with my brother because of a toxic home life that I have since moved out of. When I went to my ex for support, he told me that I was to blame for what my brother did to me and then ghosted me for a week before reaching back out to tell me he was done with our relationship. I was generally just very unhappy through the entire relationship and was embarrassed to bring him around people because I was scared that he would be rude and say inappropriate things around them. I have been wondering if this type of behavior was actually abusive? As I said it’s been on my mind and it occurred to me that it feels like he might have been manipulating me but I don’t know for sure. I’d feel guilty putting a label as severe as abuse onto someone if that’s not truly what was happening.

I’m new to this app, and this is a really big step for me. I’m 19 and as I get older my anxiety about death has been increasing in unimaginable levels. I can be on my phone, at work, or when it’s at its worst, when I’m trying to sleep. It’ll hit me like a train and send me into a spiral and it’s truly something I feel like only I go through. Would love to hear any other viewpoints or if anyone potentially relates.

I realised I was basically only using it for reassurance when I felt really anxious about real events. However, I have realised that in principle I don’t agree with AI, and I also don’t believe it should be a replacement for therapy or talking to someone. Since I have morality/ scrupulosity OCD- it was really unhelpful and could never give me a good answer. Deleting my account permanently seemed like a good step in OCD recovery. If anyone has any thoughts about this etc. feel free to start a discussion in the comments!! ❤️

I love my friend so much, but I can't stop looking back on my past with her and realizing I've either had inappropriate behavior towards her, or have potentially done something bad and can't remember if that was my intention. Once, she turned on her camera to let me see her dog and I believe accidentally flashed me. Disgustingly, I tried to shoot my shot and asked her repeatedly to turn her camera back on. I have since realized that this might have been coercion and I can't cope with it. Then, once, while we were swimming, she yanked me close to her and I accidentally pressed my hand against her chest. I apologized, but now I'm convinced that I meant to do it and even tried doing it again. I don't know what my intentions were. Beyond this has just been numerous moments where I make comments that I shouldn't, try to engage in sexual things when she hasn't felt quite ready to. A specific thing I worry about is how many times I've video called her while she's at home barely wearing clothes and it feels like that's the only reason why I would do it. I had tried talking to her about it recently, and wasn't able to talk about any specific things out of fear I'd create new problems. But I at least told her that I was horribly afraid that I had harmed her in every possible way, sexually. To which she responded that I hadn't done anything of the sort, and she said that she had been groped while we were in highschool and she'd remember if I had done something like that. She tells me that I'm such a good friend to her, that she feels safe around me and is becoming more and more comfortable with sexual topics around me. She even says I'm very respectful in regards to sexual things. I've tried cutting her out of my life before because I'm so afraid I've wronged her, and that just ends up hurting her more. She just begs me to stay in her life despite how many horrible things I feel I've done to her. I'm so tired of being on the phone with her and feeling undeserving of her. Every time I speak to her my brain reminds me of what I've done/may have done and I just feel like I have to run away from her.