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Feeling like a horrible person. I feel so bad about my existence right now. I just want someone to comfort me. Anyone online?

Dear all, I could really do with some advice from someone having experience with ocd about washing. I'm soo fed up with it right now. Whenever I'm out with someone they usually touch all kinds of surfaces that a million people before them have already touched, they touch their face, eat without washing their hands before, they touch me and it's grossing me out. I can literally see the germs being transferred from one surface to the other and I can't stop worrying about it (these days it's even worse due to Corona) and it's so bad that I'm having troubles following the conversation. It's really annoying and I want it to stop. Can anyone give me some ideas about how to tackle this? Suggestions for exposures? Experiences? I'd really appreciate it.

“But I’m not even performing compulsions!” I see people on this forum suffering a lot to understand why they seemingly aren’t performing compulsions, but their obsessions persist. What I also notice is that within the same post (sometimes even the same sentence!) people are actually performing mental compulsions. Understanding and identifying mental compulsions is one of the hardest parts of learning to deal with your OCD. If you can’t figure out when to say to yourself, “hey, that’s a compulsion!” and stop, recovery is much harder. I found this nice resource online that explains mental compulsions better than most others (way too many out there summarize mental compulsions as simply counting or wishing... ugh.) So here it is: http://www.steveseay.com/pure-o-ocd-obsessions-mental-rituals/ An excerpt: “Mental rituals are varied and include such activities as repeating certain words or phrases in one’s head, counting, reviewing/checking memories, intentionally thinking “positive thoughts” to counteract “negative thoughts”, pre-planning words before speaking, making mental lists of similarities between one’s own experience and others’ experiences, conducting online research to prove or disprove a fear, or repeating/restarting prayers due to distraction or worry that one’s prayers are not 100% genuine. For some individuals, mental rituals also include complex cognitions. Complex mental rituals often begin simply with one of the following statements or questions and then take on a life of their own: OCD Mental Rituals - “I would never do that…but what if I do?…I don’t want to…but what if I secretly do?” - “Why is this happening?” - “When will this stop?” - “I can’t live this way…” - “I need to know…” - “I’ll never be strong enough to face this…” - “I wouldn’t be having these thoughts if I didn’t secretly want this…” - “Maybe I need to act on these thoughts to finally be rid of them and feel closure…” - “It’s always going to be this way…” - “I can’t take the chance, because if I did…” - “If I could just figure this out, I would be able to move past it and it wouldn’t bother me anymore…”

To anyone who has been professionally diagnosed with OCD: how were you diagnosed and what was it like?

I’ve been dealing with ROCD and HOCD for the past year, and finally a therapist listened and diagnosed me with OCD. I’m wondering if anyone who has dealt with these themes has any advice for exposures (I know it’s super personal but I end up drawing a blank) and if anyone has any words of encouragement and recovery!

How can I accept the uncertainty around how I told my friend a really big secret about me that she could tell others and quite literally ruin my life?! It feels weird to say, but I wouldn’t be able to live if people found out. I’m scared she’ll get mad at me or even just accidentally say it to someone one day. And I find it hard to accept that scenario!

Anybody else’s ocd stressing out about corona virus?? ?

Is anyone else starting to regret treatment? I had moderate contamination OCD gr hat I had JUST gotten a handle on, and now because of COVID-19 I feel like the world suddenly expects me to act...exactly the way I was, and I KNOW the difference, but I’ve been guilted out of purell as part of “treatment” and now we actually need it I don’t have any and feel guilt buying it. I’m just really starting to wish I’d never gotten help ?

My hocd has just been horrible today. I’m so anxious, but super confused because like I’m having hocd problems but an hour ago I cried over my ex-boyfriend again. I just want to say, in my heart and gut I know I’m straight I just want the confusion of ocd to go away.

Fear of/disgusted by thought of sex. Feels like I’m playing tug-a-war in my brain that I used to love having sex vs. a sudden anxiety towards it. I battle it in my head all day. Tips to start to return to my old sex drive? I miss it! Do I just have sex even though I’ve been avoiding it? Will that help the fear/disgust? Or will that hurt me more?

Hello everyone. I’m pretty new here. Just wanted to know if anyone’s tried Expose Response Therapy on their own If so, how did they do it on their own? Thank you. SAMSON

Need some techniques for avoiding compulsion to remove marks, imperfections from painted walls at home. See a mark or imperfection and have immediate need/compulsion to remove it. Exhausting!

why don’t i hate my HOCD thoughts anymore. today i decided to face my fear, the fear was if i actually tell myself “yh i’m bi” then i’ll end up liking girls so i said fuck it i’ll do it and i didn’t feel anything well and truly and if anything that gave me clarity i have this friend and we are really affectionate with each-other we always hug and shit like normal and i didn’t want to not hug her to give in to my compulsion so i acted as normal then i kept getting these thoughts saying “you must like her and it’s true since you’ve admitted you’re bisexual” and it freaked me out and i kept pulling away from her then in class she blew me a kiss and i blew her one too and i felt so awkward and uncomfortable and my mind was like “see what happened, you should’ve never accepted it cuz now you like your best friend” the thing is it doesn’t feel real at all but my fear is that what if i become friends with a girl who isn’t straight and i’m in a situation where we are really affectionate with each other and then i end up liking her which i do not want at all i faced another fear the other day too my fear was “if i tell my mum about my HOCD she’ll think i’m gay and say it’s ok if i feel that way and then i’ll start liking girls” well that’s exactly what happened (minus the liking girls part) my mum said if i was she’d be okay with it but the thought of being with a girl didn’t make me happy at all so that gave me clarity. but now all my thoughts are linking together in one big whirlpool and i’m right at the middle all my thoughts consist of: “if you liked a girl your mum wouldn’t mind” “you told yourself you’re bi so just go with it you can’t take it back” “you noticed that girl in the street and you said you were bi which means you like her” “you didn’t find that boy, who all your friends found good-looking, good-looking as well which is sign that it’s true” “you don’t hate your instructive thoughts anymore which obviously means you’re bi” “you’ll never be with a guy after all this” “you’re attraction to that guy is fake” “you’re lying to yourself just accept it and stop denying it” “all you’re friends are gay in some way so you must be too” “would it be the worst thing liking a girl” i want to scream i thought i was helping myself by facing my fear but now i feel like i’ve made it worse. i didn’t feel anxious at all which kinda scared me and it’s like my mind is so use to feeling anxiety that it started all over again. FUCK. i just want to have a boyfriend i saw this tiktok about how gay people bribe after school and i remember before this bullshit started i said “i’m gonna thrive after i finish school” AND I DONT KNOW IF THAT HAS ANY LINK BUT I WANNA SCREAM.

I keep remember boys I dated when I was younger and how I wasn’t attracted to them and now I’m like oh proof. Lol what 13 hasn’t dated some questionable men. I’m also confused because when I try to pictures sex with men I now feel nothing but worry. Damn, it’s been an exhausting week even without all of this!

Living with the fear of going crazy. Hey everyone, through my journey living with OCD I’ve had many different themes. The most enduring one was Harm OCD, but I would also have intermittent POCD thoughts. It wasn’t until the last few years that I developed a new theme: the fear of developing psychosis/schizophrenia. While this theme seems to be far more common, it is my experience it isn’t really noted in most of the conventional information you might find online. In all the books, websites, videos, and blogs I’ve digested, I’ve only seen it mentioned a few times. But a perusal online shows that in many OCD communities, it’s a common fear. That’s why, for those of you who are suffering or may suffer with this theme, that I find it important to share the experience openly. During the day-to-day, depending on the intensity of the obsessions, it can have a profoundly limited effect on your life. You want to avoid any scenario that might trigger the thoughts, but the avoidance leads to ever-increasing isolation. Personally, I’ve found actively participating in treatment and ERP has helped me maintain most of my regular responsibilities and habits. In the past, an OCD spike could really derail my life. And while I’m certainly dealing with more intrusive thoughts than “usual” at the moment, knowing I have the support of the community and my therapist helps me stay on course. It is without question that without treatment, my suffering would be greater than it is now. I have tools now to manage it that I never had before. It’s important to remember that no matter the theme, someone else is experiencing it. And within that theme, the particular thoughts aren’t really the issue. It’s our response and relationship to them. OCD is incredibly creative, and many with OCD tend to be reflective and conscientious people! You may have all manner of odd, strange, or disturbing thoughts. And that’s ok! Although it seems like a tired cliche, you’re never truly alone. If you have this theme, and are comfortable sharing, it can help others feel that they can be open and without judgement. I hope this has helped someone who felt isolated. Thank you!

I need some encouragement. I’m trying to delay a compulsion and my brain is screaming at me that if I don’t do it, I’ll HAVE to do the thing I fear doing (breaking no contact with my abusive ex after 2.5 years). I obviously don’t want to do this so it’s what my OCD i is glommed onto. Please help!

I don't know if this falls under the category of "seeking reassurance", but here goes.... I have been trying to tackle my OCD over the last month or so. I started having intense anxiety and panic attacks that I believe got really bad when I recognized that OCD was, in fact, what I had. It was very distressing to me that I was "abnormal" or "crazy". All of my compulsions used to be centered around the thought of myself or someone in my family getting some sort of stomach bug.....I never really saw it as ocd.....just wanting to keep my family healthy. Since the discovery of my actually having OCD my "obsession" has turned to the possibility of my "going crazy" or "losing control" and harming someone. It is causing tremendous anxiety and making it very hard to overcome my compulsions because unlike the possibility of someone I love contracting the stomach bug, which I know will happen from time to time, this fear would be far more catastrophic if it were to become a reality. That being said, I am still working to overcome my compulsions, but I find myself having overwhelming thoughts of needing to "make up" for the compulsion I resisted by performing a new or different one....for example..... I have resisted touching each clothing item 4 times before I put them on....because of that I'm finding myself experiencing extreme anxiety when trying to pick out an item to wear (I can't even explain quite the feeling I am having other than being extremely anxious and on the verge of panic).... Today, for example, I had a horrible time picking out a shirt.....just staring in my closet unable to pick one....finally pushing myself to do so I was then able to continue breaking the cycle of touching each item 4 times before I put them on. After, I didn't really have anxiety from breaking that compulsion, but from seemingly picking the "wrong" shirt..... Because of that I have been trying to "make up" for picking the wrong shirt by performing other things a certain amount of times....I know all of these thoughts are completely ridiculous but I just can't seem to get over the fear.... Is anyone experiencing the same thing or does anyone have any tips?

I'm very afraid of my therapist telling my I don't have OCD. That would mean that my Hocd and Pocd related thoughts are true. I rather kill myself than doing those things.. Not that there's something wrong with being gay, but I don't want it bc it's not me. What's the difference between GAD and Pure O?

Sometimes, my gender theme with OCD takes an existential turn. I felt great this morning after writing down most of my fears and when I feel better about most of my main theme using exposure, my OCD moves to something similar but different. *Possible Trigger Warning* When my TOCD/Gender Identity OCD calms down my mind moves to a different question: What if we don’t know what we actually like? What if humans are just blobs with no definition? Can we know anything about ourselves? The thought of this came after being scared of the idea (that I’ve seen maybe two people on Twitter suggest) of getting rid of “he” and “she” and everyone just being they. To me I would get scared that people want to turn everyone non-binary and therefore everyone would become a blob with no definition - even though non-binary people IRL aren’t “blobs with no identity”... I would get thoughts of how the hell would I know who my mom is? How would I know who my dad is? My friends and family? With these thoughts, no one would have any identity or definition. I think when people talk about gender being a social construct and getting rid of certain things, I think they mean getting rid of gender restrictions and everyone being equal. I agreed with this for a long time and it never scared me. However, my OCD recently took this as getting rid of “he” and “she” pronouns and maybe getting rid of names too. Then I saw a book in Target from TIME magazine called The Science Of Gender and one of the small boxes/sections was “beyond she and he” which I thought meant going beyond he and she and getting rid of them in the future. That’s not what it was at all in the actual book, but I was already triggered and the thoughts are in me. I think this absolutely hooks into my history of existential OCD, as I suffered with it majorly in 2017 (while not knowing what it was) and a little bit in 2019. It gives many of the same feelings, I think due to wondering about the nature of self. With my existential OCD I would worry a lot if the self/ego doesn’t exist after seeing that old Jim Carrey interview and looking at some Buddhism stuff that talked about their belief in no self. This theme feels very similar but with a different subject in a way. I also get thoughts of “what if I have to accept that gender doesn’t exist and we’re all blobs with no definition, and therefore I’ll lose my identity and everything about self?” Which is very similar to my main existential theme of “what if I have to be a nihilist now that I’ve thought about the meaning of life and what if I can’t believe anything else other than nihilism? Do I have to accept it and lose what I love and feel like shit?” I don’t know how to do ERP with this. But it’s really nice to type it out!

Not really ocd related, but my relationship with my father rn is really bad and I feel like I have no one in my personal life to talk to about this. He deadass yells at me for the most insignificant things. I wanted to get a drink from a Wendy’s that was en route to our house and he had a meltdown because the not even five minute wait it took to actually get the drink was “inconveniencing” him too much, and then proceeded to make me feel like a burdensome piece of shit because I wanted one (1) drink. We got into a verbal fight not even three hours ago because I wanted to sleep with a fan on despite feeling slightly ill and he couldn’t handle the fact that I, a 20 year old, an adult, didn’t care and wanted to sleep with the fan on. He berated me calling me “dumb” for not wanting to be hot whilst I slept. And he often times calls me a “r*tard” or tells me that I’m “being r*tarded” during arguments despite him knowing that I have a HUGE ass complex about that. I can’t defend myself without feeling extreme guilt. He always apologizes but he refuses to change. Eventually I’m going to have to phase myself out of his life if this continues (to which it will), and that’s a thought that is extremely painful for me. I still rely on him for transportation because I don’t have a car yet, and he makes it a point to hold that over my head. Some people are lucky that I haven’t hexed them. These are just two examples out of so many instances of him being just a general ass to me, and I have a hard time even legitimizing the situation, because I know it could be SO much worse. I try to be polite and mind my business and avoid any conflict whatsoever, so I just shut myself in my room for most of the day, which of course he finds a problem with. Having parents with unchecked mental health issues is FUN.