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the NOCD Community

Anybody on here who has depression to go along with their OCD, as well as anxiety, and trauma? I’m just trying to not feel so lonely with this shit smh.

My OCD is HIV phobia. I’m not sexually active, use drugs and/or needles, and I have not received a transfusion, so I should understand that there’s no way I could get HIV. However, my mind manages to come up scary scenarios. Recently, I was at work, and I left my food in my backpack, at lunch time I took out a smoothie juice bottle and started drinking. Once the juice was finished I started to think that perhaps the teacher I work with might have opened my backpack took out the bag in it, found the juice and then proceeded to put HIV infected blood into it. And why did she do that? Well because I had been late in the last few days, so I wasn’t there to help her with the first class, as a result she decided to get revenge by adding HIV infected blood into my juice. And that’s what I’m obsessing over now. Could this teacher be capable of that? Would that be possible? Is it logical? I don’t know anymore, I’m afraid all the time. I see HIV on door handles, faucets, buses, windows and restaurants. I can’t stopped being scared from it and the fear is horrifying. I’m about to give into my compulsion of taking blood tests, and the only thing stopping me is the fear that the lab might use contaminated needles. I don’t know what to do. And I wonder if maybe I’m insane, maybe I’m the only one that’s this crazy.

Pure OCD Or Psychotic Episode? Medication Advice? I can remember suffering with a form of OCD back to childhood. Repeatedly checking things for safety like the gas on the cooker and locking doors. It first became a problem of more severity in 2001, then again in 2008 and has been ongoing but maintained ever since. I have done CBT, Mindfulness and Counseling more than once and the main drug of choice for me has always been Clomipramine. The form of OCD I have had since 2001 I believe to be referred to as Pure O and in particular my issues have always been horrific thoughts containing great detail about harm I would do to my loved ones. Compulsions and rituals would help to ease that anxiety but as CBT teaches us, it is not the productive thing to do. Following my spell in 2008, I was off work for 2 years and on benefits. After getting settled on Clomipramine and doing therapy, I managed to get the condition under control. I did a lot of research about OCD and mental health in general and like to think I am pretty clued up about it all, I then gained new employment as a Support Worker that did include Mental Health Advocacy so I am always kept on top of my training. I managed to travel to see the places in the world I wanted to see, find a Girlfriend, get married and buy a house. This time period throughout 2010-2016 wasn't comfortable, but I was well enough to get by. In 2016 we decided we wanted to have a baby. Unfortunately, one of my main side effects apart from fatigue and excessive sweating was sexual dysfunction. The medication now had to be reviewed and adjusted to enable us to do this. We do now have a 1 year old but since withdrawing from Clomipramine things have been very dark. For replacement, I have tried all the SSRI's, all the recommended vitamins and supplements such St Johns Wort, 5HTP, CBD Oil etc, I have tried eating the right foods, having a well balanced diet and have always exercised anyway but I have had no luck in getting anywhere near the relief I had whilst taking Clomipramine. Since discontinuing with it in 2016 I have also been diagnosed with ADHD (I am apparently part of a missed undiagnosed generation) and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which I think is a long-standing side effect from using Clomipramine that never went away. Since My Son was born a year ago my Harm OCD thoughts have really re-manifested themselves, and are mainly aimed at him. Its almost as if the more joy and love I receive from him, the more intrusive and horrific the thoughts are. Due to this not being my first instance of these symptoms and I am well trained and researched, I know what it is and have been really good at managing the compulsions and rituals. On Clomipramine that would normally be enough to erase the thoughts but unfortunately not this time. Its as if it is more psychotic, like I am now having these images without expecting to do anything to relieve the anxiety. Like I said, I have tried most of the SSRI's including earlier this year, Sertraline which did help with these thoughts but gave me unmanageable fatigue and insomnia, which never eased after 12 weeks. 8 weeks ago, I was then switched to Fluvoxamine, 50mg for a month then 100mg for the second month. I can confidently say this is the worst drug I have been on, bringing more sleep deprivation, returning the intrusive horrific thoughts and culminating last night when I had terrible adrenaline rushes that nearly pushed me towards acting on the thoughts towards my Son and Wife and my response to that was writing a suicide note and planning to end myself before I did anything to them. Luckily my Wife intervened, I broke down and called the Crisis Team. It didn’t get as for as going to A&E for sectioning but it was a possibility. Before taking Fluvoxamine, I was in work (now signed off long term), the thoughts were not there (now they are) and I had never even thought about suicide before. It literally felt a lot more than OCD and I feared I had developed a more psychiatric disorder. I don’t think I really need to go into any greater detail on here as I am sure people are aware of this terrible illness and if you have read all of my very long story above it is much appreciated. I suppose the reason for my contact is for tips around medication and side effects, what people have found affective in these times of crisis and if anyone has had results with counteracting side effects. I have today been given a prescription to restart the Clomipramine. I have got to taper it up slowly as I taper down the Fluvoxamine. I have also been temporarily given Lorezepam in case I get any high states of anxiety like last night. I am hoping I get as good as relief from Clomipramine as before but if anyone can share any tips around counteracting side effects such as sexual dysfunction, excessive sweating, fatigue and basically just being less lazy it would be greatly appreciated. The one good thing I will say about the Fluvoxamine was that it was the first time my social anxiety and sweating improved, but after last night that’s nowhere near enough. I hope my post might help others also. Kind Regards.

Pure OCD Or Psychotic Episode? Medication Advice? I can remember suffering with a form of OCD back to childhood. Repeatedly checking things for safety like the gas on the cooker and locking doors. It first became a problem of more severity in 2001, then again in 2008 and has been ongoing but maintained ever since. I have done CBT, Mindfulness and Counseling more than once and the main drug of choice for me has always been Clomipramine. The form of OCD I have had since 2001 I believe to be referred to as Pure O and in particular my issues have always been horrific thoughts containing great detail about harm I would do to my loved ones. Compulsions and rituals would help to ease that anxiety but as CBT teaches us, it is not the productive thing to do. Following my spell in 2008, I was off work for 2 years and on benefits. After getting settled on Clomipramine and doing therapy, I managed to get the condition under control. I did a lot of research about OCD and mental health in general and like to think I am pretty clued up about it all, I then gained new employment as a Support Worker that did include Mental Health Advocacy so I am always kept on top of my training. I managed to travel to see the places in the world I wanted to see, find a Girlfriend, get married and buy a house. This time period throughout 2010-2016 wasn't comfortable, but I was well enough to get by. In 2016 we decided we wanted to have a baby. Unfortunately, one of my main side effects apart from fatigue and excessive sweating was sexual dysfunction. The medication now had to be reviewed and adjusted to enable us to do this. We do now have a 1 year old but since withdrawing from Clomipramine things have been very dark. For replacement, I have tried all the SSRI's, all the recommended vitamins and supplements such St Johns Wort, 5HTP, CBD Oil etc, I have tried eating the right foods, having a well balanced diet and have always exercised anyway but I have had no luck in getting anywhere near the relief I had whilst taking Clomipramine. Since discontinuing with it in 2016 I have also been diagnosed with ADHD (I am apparently part of a missed undiagnosed generation) and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which I think is a long-standing side effect from using Clomipramine that never went away. Since My Son was born a year ago my Harm OCD thoughts have really re-manifested themselves, and are mainly aimed at him. Its almost as if the more joy and love I receive from him, the more intrusive and horrific the thoughts are. Due to this not being my first instance of these symptoms and I am well trained and researched, I know what it is and have been really good at managing the compulsions and rituals. On Clomipramine that would normally be enough to erase the thoughts but unfortunately not this time. Its as if it is more psychotic, like I am now having these images without expecting to do anything to relieve the anxiety. Like I said, I have tried most of the SSRI's including earlier this year, Sertraline which did help with these thoughts but gave me unmanageable fatigue and insomnia, which never eased after 12 weeks. 8 weeks ago, I was then switched to Fluvoxamine, 50mg for a month then 100mg for the second month. I can confidently say this is the worst drug I have been on, bringing more sleep deprivation, returning the intrusive horrific thoughts and culminating last night when I had terrible adrenaline rushes that nearly pushed me towards acting on the thoughts towards my Son and Wife and my response to that was writing a suicide note and planning to end myself before I did anything to them. Luckily my Wife intervened, I broke down and called the Crisis Team. It didn’t get as for as going to A&E for sectioning but it was a possibility. Before taking Fluvoxamine, I was in work (now signed off long term), the thoughts were not there (now they are) and I had never even thought about suicide before. It literally felt a lot more than OCD and I feared I had developed a more psychiatric disorder. I don’t think I really need to go into any greater detail on here as I am sure people are aware of this terrible illness and if you have read all of my very long story above it is much appreciated. I suppose the reason for my contact is for tips around medication and side effects, what people have found affective in these times of crisis and if anyone has had results with counteracting side effects. I have today been given a prescription to restart the Clomipramine. I have got to taper it up slowly as I taper down the Fluvoxamine. I have also been temporarily given Lorezepam in case I get any high states of anxiety like last night. I am hoping I get as good as relief from Clomipramine as before but if anyone can share any tips around counteracting side effects such as sexual dysfunction, excessive sweating, fatigue and basically just being less lazy it would be greatly appreciated. The one good thing I will say about the Fluvoxamine was that it was the first time my social anxiety and sweating improved, but after last night that’s nowhere near enough. I hope my post might help others also. Kind Regards.

So. This is a bit of a word vomit, but it very much feels like a revelation to me. Especially after reading many of your posts and looking through symptoms of OCD. I really don’t mind if no one reads this caffeine induced rant. It just feels good to get it out somewhere. I have already re-written this several times. I find it hard to finish most things because I edit them (even before I speak to people) over and over again. Often, I drop things all together because I lose energy that “they aren’t good enough.” Mind you, these things are important. For example people’s wedding /promo photos or design projects. I freeze up under pressure if people are watching me and it feels like I’m having an out of body experience. I have always been very fearful, yet shown impulsive behavior. I don’t send texts to my friends for days or weeks or months because I’m worried about what to say-that they won’t like me or I will say stupid things. People think I have it together on the outside until they really get to know me... which not many people do. I did a “great” job of hiding it for a while, I worked as a hairstylist for 7 years.. but I became mentally and physically exhausted. I left my job because I felt so paranoid and practically immobile. (I switched careers and I’m now a nanny for the time being while I’m working on my issues.) My partner is kind and supportive emotionally and financially, but she is constantly telling me nothing is wrong with me. Although she notices that I obsess with things. Like looking in the mirror and cutting my own hair, almost constantly. I ruin things because I obsessively prod and pull and try too hard with them, even after they “Look good,” to others. When I’m on an energy high, I can’t stop arranging or rearranging things. I’ve never been diagnosed with ocd. However I have been diagnosed with chronic depression, anxiety, ptsd and dissociative disorder. Bipolar runs in my family and I thought because of my mood swings and that I seem to have extreme highs and lows, that was a possibility too. Now, and after taking an online assessment, I’m wondering why it’s never been brought to my attention that OCD could be the source of my struggle? Especially when the main them being brought up in all of my therapy sessions is that I live in a state of panic to be perfect and it’s followed me like a cycle my whole life. I am not perfect in the least. I am extremely messy and disorganized. Often no matter how hard I try to stay focused, I get thrown off balance. I wouldn’t rule out that I have adult ADHD, except that I have obsessive thoughts that I have to very consciously work myself through. Namely, that other people will find out how bad I am or how terribly untalented. Anyway. I deal with most of my symptoms through stream of consciousness journaling, mindful meditation and getting out in the sun/nature. I also try to maintain routines and rituals. I expose myself to things a lot, as sort of tests. I make lists and lists and if I can’t finish I beat myself up, until I realize that I’m doing it and I start back at square one. Sometimes I think I am making progress and I know progress is not linear, just as emotions come in waves. Other times I wonder if some things are getting worse with age. I suppose I need to save a little money and invest in a therapist, to find out what my deal is... I’m realizing now that I have always hidden things from my therapists because I thought they would find out how bad I am. Thank you for being a safe space for getting this out. I’ve never told anyone all of this. Except for my partner but it seems too much for her so I journal as much as I can to get things out of my head. I hope you all are finding peace in your self care and by helping other people. I have to push send now because this post is becoming extremely too long. Lol. Sending Love and space of mind to all❤️

Trigger warning..? I am curious to see if anyone else has ever done or experienced this or something similar? When I was about 10, 11 years old I was cooking with my mom. I remember scaring the crap out of her because there was a hot pan on the stove and I couldn’t stop trying to touch it, so i did and my mom freaked out at me.. Another incident I’ve never told anyone was around the same age I was ironing a shirt and I had all these terrible thoughts to put the hot iron on my stomach and I almost did I remember shaking and crying i was so scared i was afraid of myself. Is this a form of OCD? I haven’t done anything like this in years but it still pops up in my head sometimes and it makes me so sad that my childhood was so painful i just thought i was crazy and held it in for so long.

Every single time my head itches and a little oil deposit comes off when I scratch it I’m convinced I have lice. I got lice when I was a junior in high school but that was 3 years ago and ever since I’ve been terrified I have it. It got so bad once I spent my last $10 on lice treatment when I didn’t even have it. I used to wash my hair with lice shampoo every other day just to prevent it. I’ve noticed the obsession gets very bad when I’m highly anxious and then I just can’t stop scratching my head. The same type of thing happens when I’m too full or when I have a stomach pain, I think I’m pregnant. I know I’m not because I’ve had safe sex and I’m on the pill and I’ve had my period 3 times since I last had sex. Someone just tell me how I can stop spiraling myself into this

I’ve always had anxiety and ocd about throwing up but then it went into just horrible panic attacks where I needed someone close to calm me down like my mom or gf. It subsided and I was doing great for years. But it’s come back and now, I live in NYC, for the last 2 years I can’t take the subway anymore m, I can’t get on elevators or planes. It’s controlled my life. If im on there alone I get panic attacks. It happens automatically. I’m scared that the subway is going to get stuck and I can’t get off same with the elevator and plane. I’m scared of having panic attacks now and I just have a huge general sense of anxiety everywhere. I just feel off constantly now. I really want to get my life back and not care about these things. Anyone else dealing w the same?

I have so so much anxiety all the fucking time. I feel like I’m going to lose my mind.

How do people NOT freak out about their heart?? My Apple Watch sometimes tells me that my heart rate is under 50 and sometimes it says it’s like 130. It really freaks me out. The other day an app told me my heart rate was 30 but when I measured it manually it was 70. I feel as if I skip a lot of beats as well. Ugh. I had two ECG and other than tachycardia, they came back fine. I just can’t stop thinking about it.

Hello everyone, so my ocd has kind of changed into statements like “you don’t love him, break up with him.” “You’ve never loved him” “you don’t like sex with him” “you think he is grows” “you don’t want to be with him” “you’re lying” “you guys will never be the same.” It used to be more of “what if” questions and it’s starting to be more believable. It feels as though this is my truth. Did this happen to anyone else and is it still rocd? I’m very confused at this stage of my journey so any insight would be great!

Trigger warning? I don’t know what to do. I like this app, I like how I can express myself, seek and offer help. But it’s becoming a compulsion to read everyone’s post and afraid I’ll miss something important, something I can relate to or help with. Should I stop? I can’t check as often as I used to and I was okay in the beginning.

*Long post so apologies. I just wish someone can understand where I am coming from and share their thoughts / emotions or experiences* I have not been diagnosed by a professional about my mental health, but I am pretty sure I experience OCD and anxiety on a daily basis. It all started from being really sick when I was little .. A bug hit me that I had never dealt with before that had caused me to throw up profusely. After this, from since I can remember I am “scared” of germs. If I knew someone was sick, I would contaminate myself from them and avoid all contact. I used to bring my own cutlery to restaurants. I have to wash my hands and use hand sanitiser most of the time. If I start to feel a little bit ‘icky’ I would be on google search to find out if I had symptoms of the bug. It has become such a strain and I have really bad anxiety about the fact of not wanting to be sick. I avoid eating in low rated hygiene places and I have to double check that certain foods are cooked / prepared (ie: chicken) is cooked properly. ... My other OCD situation is a little bit different and I’m unsure as to why and what. I have intrusive thoughts in my head that range from: not wanting to drive in the fear of a car crash. ??? Or I get worried sick knowing that my family and/or partner are driving long distances in fear that I will lose them to an accident. I make sure that they message me during and after commuting so my mind is at ease. I also have a distressing time processing about my childhood; I was once sexually abused that still makes me feel sick to this day. But because of this ... I have had thoughts of sexual “exploration” with my sibling who has nothing to do with my abusive past????? Nothing has happened between me and my sibling of course .. but my OCD is creating false memories that I can’t seem to get rid off? It makes me feel so sick and that I can not live with myself because of this. I then try to flashback all the memories of my past to see if there is some truth about it but it just ends up making things worse ???? I’m just really struggling in my current relationship because of this as it’s not the most comfortable or normal thing to talk about. Any help would be highly appreciated as I feel like I’m losing my mind over it. Sorry for the long text, there is more to it but I just wanted some of you to get the brief understanding of things.

Hey guys I’d love your opinion on some stuff! I’ve had my first instrusive thought about being depressed/suicidal on September 13th 2017. I got intrusive thoughts where I had depression and thought I was gonna end up killing myslef to a point where I really convinced myself I was depressed and would constantly look up depression symptoms. Then it somehow became into thoughts being bisexual cause I thought a girl was super super super pretty which was October 28th, 2017 but this spiraled into Harm/killer OCD thoughts after watching a violent scene in the movies and thought I enjoyed it and it’s been torture for me ever since. A year later here I am. Harm OCD has prolly been the hardest! At first I was so bad when I was scared to talk to people and felt guilty becoming friends with them Because they’re Talking to a serial killer. Some days are good. Some days are terrible. I can’t stay out too long and feel anxious going to places sometimes because it might spike my killer thoughts again. If I was able to survive a year without meds do you guys think I’ll be able to get rid of this killer thoughts without meds? I’m convinced where therapy won’t ever help me... and I gonna suffer like This forever. I have health insurance and I don’t know where to start and who to go to.

Does anyone here have ROCD? What is it like for you?

What is ERP and can you can you do it yourself?

I’ve finally given up on having friends. No one cares for me as much as I care for them. It’s a horrible feeling. So horrible I’d rather be alone ??‍♀️.

I had a panic attack at work today, like full on crying, and had to leave early. I’m so embarrassed and scared to go back tomorrow

Does anxiety make you feel like ur gonna go out of control and your about hurt someone like even kill someone (my fear is harm ocd) and I feel like I’m Going insane I even begin to cry thinking I’m gonna be like this forever sincenits already been a year... is this actually anxiety or am I becoming a psychopath mental serial killer?

I have several OCD themes currently. It’s pretty much entwined in my entire existence and has been for decades. I was only diagnosed a few months ago and have been making progress with ERP on my contamination issues which is an amazing feeling. To have some control over this has made the future seem bright. Unfortunately lately I’ve been struggling with questioning my 10 plus year marriage (something I’ve dealt with on and off the entire time). My feelings had been solid for at least the past year with no obsessing in that area so it’s really very disturbing to experience this now just as I am getting a slight handle on my OCD. I’ve been so distracted with this the past 2 weeks I haven’t been able to make much progress. Just now I considered the possibility that OCD is behind this. Has anyone ever found that OCD started to sabotage you in one area when you were making progress in another? Is this possible?