Welcome to
the NOCD Community

So I've have OCD from a young age, about age 13, which stemmed from being over protective of my siblings, then as time went on turned into contamination OCD, HOCD, being scared I'm schizophrenia. But now I'm dealing with POCD and this is really fucking with me. I'm now 21 and let me say I'll never in my life hurt/harm a child. But I was on Instagram last year and someone I followed posted a pic of their daughter, and I started getting intrusive thoughts. So to relieve the thoughts I masturbated to it and felt guilt instantly. IDK if this is hormones, POCD, or if I'm actually a P. I remember when I used to masturbate to similar things when I was about 15 to girls much younger than my age at that time, which I am now also repulsed by. I thought nothing of those thoughts, until last year, when I got scared of actually being a P. Currently I masturbate to normal porn and have only fancy girls my age and seek out relationships with them. (21-24). These thoughts went away and I got a Gf a year older than me. Everything was going well until about yesterday, when the thought popped up out of my head out of nowhere. Then once again I began searching things about "POCD and what if I'm a P" and kept searching all these forums on reddit and such. I now believe that the cops will come to my house because of my google searches from years ago and I'm a terrible person. Besides that thought I've also had these: Afraid I assualted someone when I was 8 years old when I brushed a females breast (accidentally) Always afraid I'd be jumping off escalator at mall Felt like I'd blurt something inappropriate Closing ever cabinet in the house every time Everytine would see scary image, always stuck in my head. Afraid of going to hell, afraid of being possessed. Afraid of having schizophrenia Afraid of being gay Afraid of having an unknown health condition **Afraid of being a pedo** Always put head down in class Focused on blinking Afraid of killing parents and/or other people Fear of being attracted to mom Obsessed over how we sleep Fear of going to hell/death Don't feel in body/feel weird Afraid of being trans Afraid someone would rob house Anxiety over girlfriends past relationships

I don’t know how many of you understand how hard it is to be transgender and fight against the opposition and violence of family, friends, boss and coworkers, strangers on the street, the government to seize space within a gender category that’s livable for you. I don’t feel comfortable in lesbian scenes even though I’m a dyke. I have to wrestle with my body all the time. Before my girlfriend and I broke up, she was walking downtown and some fucking teenagers called her a man in a dress and threw a bottle at her head. And everything I’ve fought so hard for - my OCD comes along and tells me I’m not really transgender at all, that I’m a man. Distances me from my feelings towards other women, puts a tinge of doubt into every romantic or sexual feeling I have towards women. Demotivates me from working on my appearance, makes me see a man when I look in the mirror, pushes me towards self-destructive and self-sabotaging behavior. Fuck this. I’ve got the social oppression that this society forces on me as a transgender woman lodged in my head in the form of pure-o OCD telling me I’m a man. I get no shelter from the constant hailstorm of bullshit even in my own mind. I hate being expected to just fight it, be a soldier. I mean, I’m a *good* mental soldier. I’m extremely tough. But why should I have to be? Why can’t I relax and just pursue my life, why should I have to fight? Another part of me really wants to get out there and fight, fight hard. But with an unpredictable world situation heading far-right, putting myself out in the world as a radical-left disabled transsexual just feels like I’m begging to be destroyed. I think I know what the answers to these predicaments are, but that doesn’t make it easy. Now, tonight, I find out that my best friend - the most brilliant person I’ve ever known - is posting things online implying that he’s about to kill himself. He’s disabled too - blind. Tired of being treated like a child by his family and everyone around him. I don’t blame him, but if he dies, I’ll be in more agony than I can explain. Why can’t we just have good lives? Why can’t we catch a break? What the fuck is wrong with this world? I wish my OCD would at least leave me alone and let me be integrated with my body and my sense of self. Really, it’s the least I deserve. I’ve been through too much, damn it.

Just a little spill. I feel like I need to just say all of this because it builds up and I feel like nobody in my home will understand. So I will say it here to get it off of my chest. Right now I’m sitting at my desk with an open notebook. The notebook says... Left Page: “Ever Morning I - Wake Up - Take a Shower - Get Dressed - Apply Lotion and Sunscreen - Eat Breakfast” Right Page: “Work Days... - Pack Lunch - Brush my Teeth” My goal oriented from a lack of consistency. My work schedule (which is usually twice a week) has been really crazy over the past two months as most people have. Because my schedule isn’t normal I guess I’m trying to plan out every single consistent action that I could bring into days even when I don’t work. But I get stuck. Really stuck. If I don’t work, my day is really over after I eat breakfast. There’s no consistency, sometimes I go to the grocery store with my mom or I play with my younger sibling. I feel like I have to map out and plan every single action. I hate feeling stuck, I hate taking everything so literally! I will always follow directions to a T, so literally no matter what I do. I constantly feel like I have to follow “any guidance” like if I read an article of “55 Things to Do When You’re Bored” and the top suggestion is “Binge watch! Maybe you’d like to get into watching Top Chef!” instead of picking something to watch, I search forToo Chef. If I can’t watch Top Chef, my day is screwed and nothing else “counts” for the rest of the day. What in the world is all of this? Is this ‘just-right’ OCD? Is this even OCD? Sorry about the rant- just had to let all of that out! Hope you all are doing well.

How do I tell the difference between: avoidance behavior and getting on with my life? Just did an exposure (one of those awful ones that can’t be “undone”). As I drove away, my mind would start saying “But what if—“ and I pushed it away, distracted myself, every time it came up. But...I thought it was a bad idea to distract yourself from uncomfortable thoughts? So, was pushing the thought away compulsive avoidance, or was it getting on with my life?

I’m terrified out of my mind to her my wisdom teeth out tomorrow. They gave me anxiety pills to take tonight And in the morning but I don’t want to take them, I’m scared they’re just trying to kill me on purpose by doing this surgery and I can’t take this

Is anyone else experiencing derealisation ? If yes how long? What do you do to face it?

It used to be so much better, I was only depressed back then but I could handle it. Now I doubt every single action I do, everything I say, every single thing I look at somehow manages to trigger me and makes me doubt myself on the most basic level. I'm not even officially diagnosed so on a really bad day it'll feel like hell because I can't even comfort myself by saying it's the hocd. I will admit things are somewhat okay now. At least better than when it started but here I am 6 months later and I still can't go to sleep, I still can't watch a movie without overthinking at some point. I can't notice a cute girl without feeling like I'm lying to myself. I can't read or listen to music without being scared it'll suddenly turn me gay(it's ridiculous I know but I can't seem to get that for some reason). It still hurts and it makes me feel so much weaker and pathetic than I ever used to feel and the worst part is I can never tell if I even have hocd or not so it's ten times harder to accept uncertainty about who I am if I can't even be certain if I have the disorder or not. I find myself in tears and apologizing for no reason(I don't even know what I'm apologizing for) now and begging God to make things the way they used to be, when it was just depression. Not ocd, anxiety, severe sadness and pain and extreme self-loathing because I can't stop thinking all the time. It feels like a freight train running through the middle of my head 24 hours a day. Thoughts and feeling that never seem to stop....ever. I feel like I'm in a prison in my own head and I can't get out. It's crazy but I feel like it's almost malicious, like this disorder is an evil entity that's constantly seeking to hurt me. To anyone reading I apologize for my rambling but i have nowhere else to go and the loneliness is killing me. If I triggered anyone I sincerely apologize but I just needed to vent. I don't know if this counts as asking for reassurance but it gets better right? Please tell me it gets better.

Super anxious today. I’m scared to even write out why.

RECOVERY STORY AND HOPE/TIPS!!! Hello everyone! This is my ‘success’ story, I wanna help anyone who is struggling with ROCD or HOCD, or OCD in general. I struggled so much at the beginning because i didn’t know what was happening to me! i started feeling disconnected from the world and just so numb, my heart would pump so fast and i felt like i was completely crazy. i had thoughts of... “do i love my bf?” “am i gay?” “what if i lost ‘feelings’?” ...(etc i think u guys get it) Until i came across the name of this thing i was experiencing, i had felt such a relief that the thing i was going through had a name and that many people in the world were experiencing it. I knew i was not alone. Many of you are probably so anxious to know how to get ‘rid’ of this.. but in reality you don’t get rid of the thoughts! You have the thoughts but not as often as you usually had! eventually you’ll realize that they are just thoughts. <<HERE ARE THE THINGS/TIPS I HAVE>> #1- You have to learn that love is not a feeling, love is a choice. You have to stop searching for this ‘feeling’ because you will not find it. You have to accept that in that moment you feel uncomfortable and that it WILL pass. #2- You can not avoid things that trigger you!!!!!!!! once you are triggered, DO NOT! I REPEATTTTT DO NOT!! hop on google, or go to your partner for reassurance! this is the main thing that kept me in that ocd cycle. #3- It is okay to feel uncomfortable, but you have to accept that feeling and continue doing what you was doing! #4- Once you get those thoughts, you have to label them as “OCD” for example: {my constant thoughts were “you don’t love him” i would say “ oh hi that’s my ocd, welcome i know im having this thought again, i choose to ignore you right now and have control over what im going to do next”} after that i would continue what i was doing and that thought would flow away eventually! this helped me so much! #5- get off forums, and get off things that give you constant reassurance, it only keeps u in the same loop. #6- journaling helped me so much, i wrote down how i was feeling and my progress that helped me dump out anything stressful i had in my head. #7- meditating, this helped a lot as well. when i was having a lot of anxiety i would go on youtube and just relax on my bed listening to some guided meditations and it truly calmed my anxiety a lot!! #8- Yoga in the mornings!!! THIS IS A BIG ONEEE!! My anxiety would be really bad in the mornings, so once i felt that anxiety i would relax and do yoga with adriene on Youtube. After yoga, i would journal and start off my day with my prayers and set affirmations and get my day started. #9- stop having social media expectations of love! there are days where i have the thoughts but they don’t even bother me because they are just thoughts !!! i don’t even stress about them! and if you’re scared about leaving your partner once you heal, trust me you will not! BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE POWER. I believe in every single one of you guys. This was a hard journey that i had to go through. But it was not impossible, At moments i felt like i wanted to give up because everything felt so REAL , but i knew that it would pass and that i need to hang on. I love you all, and if you have any questions please comment, and i’ll help you!! If i did it, so can you! do not give up!! YOU GOT THIS!! GET OFF THIS AND START YOUR STORY AND YOUR JOURNEY TO HEALING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ??????

I think I am a OCD patient because th symptoms ar matched.I don’t know what to do.I feel ashamed to share this with my parents an friends.I feel so lonely.The thoughts make me ore lonely day by day. It has broken my life.How can I handle this situation...?

So I saw a girl on an ellen clip this morning and was thinking about my girlfriend naked. Suddenly the image of the little girl without a shirt popped into my head. Been overthinking about it all day long and I want to cry and hurt myself for even thinking these thoughts. I've never had them before and idk what to.do

My life is a joke ? I’m 27 female, not married don’t have any kids, don’t have a career in fact I HATE my job and enjoy this lockdown cuz I ain’t there with people I can’t stand and make me sad and anxious. I feel like a failure, I’m anxious all the time, I feel enormous even though my bf says he likes me as I am I FEEL massive and nothing is making me lose weight so I’m gonna have to legitimately starve myself again cuz that’s the only thing that works I hate myself, and I’m jealous (secretly, I don’t display it) of everyone around me my age who’s getting shit that *I* wanted in my life too ? there’s not enough to go around for us all obviously

Don’t flag I need to rant or I’ll scream. Its so unfair to have to TRY to LEARN to be normal, (and it’s not even guaranteed) when other people are LITERALLY FUCKING BORN NOT OBSESSING If my life never improves/goes wrong I don’t honestly see the point I think it’s a waste of time trying to force myself to be normal

So, is anyone able to differentiate their conscience/gut/convictions from OCD?? I feel like I automatically get anxious when people talk about their gut or intuition cause I have no idea what is what!

Hi all... I’m not sure if this is the right place for me here... but I’m suffering... not because I have an OCD I’m here for my husband... who suffers from OCD ( I think) along with a lot of other traits... but it’s hard.. because he doesn’t admit he has a problem.. so obviously I’ve been suffering and been having major anxiety and depression... I’ve sought for help for myself only realise that the root of all my anxiety’s my husband’s behaviour.... I’m not saying I’m perfect... and I know I might not be welcome here because I don’t get OCD... but since my husband has too much of an ego to realise he needs help... I’m only looking for ways to cope from my end... this marriage is long lost in the endless fights we have but I’m too afraid to leave him... because I know he needs help.. n I want to help... also because he also obsesses about me... and I feel trapped...

"Question about pocd false memories" TW: pocd, false memories (23, F) Can they get much worse if you ruminate on them?? I found a document. An old document where I wrote my worries and real life events that I thought were meaningful for a diagnosis to whether I had a pocd or not. For those who know me, you know I've been struggling with a bad false memory about groping a child's butt while giving her a piggyback ride. Today it got much worse....... During that day, after the pool, she showed me her drawings and for some reason, I started to wonder if I got alone with the child during this time (I don't remember that. I think my friends were there the whole time But I also can't be sure because I don't remember leaving the room with them so I'm scared) and if I sexually assaulted her! I even got fuzzy images about it! What is wrong with me!! I know this is fake but I'm so anxious about it!! I just want to contact my friends and ask them if we were together the entire day but I'm afraid of what they'll think and I already asked so many questions about that day! But this child loved me! She thought I was sweet and fun!! She wouldn't have liked me if I had "hurt" her right?? I'm so desperate because I knew that if I continued to ruminate on this bullshit memory, I'd get burned but the other times I had false memories, I overcomed them by ruminate them and "attack" them with logic, If it makes sense!! I know I didn't do this! I'd remember! But I don't remember... I just have stupid images in my head. In the original document from like September or early October, I have wrote a little about this because at the time I didn't think this event was so important, except on the fact that it was the first time I had pocd thoughts. I will quote what I wrote back then: *"I remember one of the earliest events that made me scared was with a friend's sister... (I was almost 21) She was 8 (I think) and she was very sweet I just had weird thoughts. It weren't even images or anything! It was just... "am I p? Am I attracted to her?" I felt so bad but I tried to dismiss the thoughts... And have fun... I even played with her and talked with her! I always wanted to have a sister so this was like a opportunity to have a sister for a day... I now feel bad for playing with her but it wasnt to do anything weird. I truly tried to dismiss my thoughts and I felt bad through the entire day... But I wanted to actually fight them and do just innocent things with her. We played at the pool... And she showed me her toys and drawings... Like if she were my sister... I know this may sound weird but I promise I had the most innocent reasons... I would never do something that could harm a child."* I don't even mention the piggyback ride! (maybe I don't think it was important at the time and FYI the piggyback ride did happen! But the groping, I don't think so) I need help??? Or else I will kill myself. Im tired of this shit.

My insurance does not cover OCD therapy, what would I be looking as far as cost goes?

So, I have these sexualt thoughts that are usually about family members, they distress me and I don't know how to seek help. How to talk to my family about it?

Is this normal in pocd?? (23, F,) Like I was just watching a YouTube video and I got a recommendation of a 13 to girl coming out and I thoughr she was pretty and I immediately click the button to stop recommending the video because I felt "attracted" to her... I don't know how sexual attraction works but I felt so poorly because I know sexual attraction is wanting s-x with a person and I immediately asked myself that question and I know I'd never do but I didn't know if I wanted to. I don't want to have these feelings! I don't want to get involved with anyone, specially any minor. I don't! I don't want to! I want to cry because I feel like a p right now... And I want to die! I can't handle this pain anymore! This is too much to handle and I don't know what to do... I feel such an embarrassement to everyone... She's too young. She's a child... I want to cry so badly... Why did thishappened to me... no I can't live any longer. I'm not strong enough

30' of ERP today, the scenario was not able to make me feel anxious, just a little sad. It was me recording a script about how being with my partner will make me feel guilty and ashamed, how being together will be a bad experience and how we'll eventually break up because of this. It's like the repetition of these thoughts makes me numb. During exposure, I also see that my mind is coming up with realistic responses instead, such as "If you do indeed cry, it's not a big deal like you've made it in the past, so it's fine." or "If he's looking fat to you, then alright you don't like him physically as much as you could possibly like someone who is fit, but so what?" I'm unsure if this is just my brain healing, since it feels calm and logical, or a sneaky way of reassurance?