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TW rant: suicidal OCD So this has been my major theme for the past year since my onset started. For clarification: I just have suicidal OCD, I’m not actually suicidal Incase there’s confusion about that. Anyways, I am so SICK of hearing about the topic of suicide which seems to be everywhere. You hear a story on the news that some celebrity did it, or other stories that people they knew did it or they themselves attempted it. You hear that people with mental illnesses or those who went through trauma or just being a middle aged white man have higher risks of suicide. On my explore page on Instagram, thanks to the OCD support pages I follow, I get suggested posts about other mental health related things and there’s usually posts about “signs of suicidal people” or whatnot. I’m soooo sick of it. Having suicidal OCD has been extremely hard and scary to have. It seems like anything is a trigger and the unwanted thoughts of it keep popping up (as OCD normally does). A lot of the time it’s aimed toward myself, but a big chunk of it is aimed toward my loved ones, like what if they decided to commit suicide? If I haven’t seen a family member in a little while (they’re chilling in their room or whatever) I get scared they might have killed themselves so I feel the compulsion to check on them, ask if they’re okay and happy etc. But it’s mostly at myself and I hate it so much. I think overall, whether this attack is aimed toward myself or others, it just absolutely terrifies me that anyone could just decided to do it and then just do it? It’s not like fearing a murderer coming to your house or an outside threat, but you’re the threat! And you can’t seem to protect your loved ones from it! I get these fears that I’ll become depressed (I’m not depressed) and eventually desire it or that I’ll spiral from fear and pain and eventually desire it, or that it’ll be like the movie Bird Box where the people in it (after seeing the monster) seemed to go on autopilot and killed themselves. I can’t even see words like “committed” or “attempted” without having my stomach jump. I struggle to get things out of my closet since having an open closet is even a trigger for fear. I just wish suicide never existed, I wish it wasn’t a thing, I wish I’d never think about it, I wish i could move on from this intense fear. (Disclaimer: I’m doing ERP for this and compared to before have been progress, but on my spike days it’s just so frustrating) Thanks for listening 😩

Question in sharing the bed and contamination OCD I started sleeping apart from my husband in March and April when he had presumptive covid. I've had such huge fears since then that I did not move back into the master bedroom until LAST WEEK (end of July) Thing is, as much as a separate bed was giving into my contamination OCD, I actually love it for other reasons. Firstly, my husband has really scary night terrors multiple times a week (down from multiple times a night before seeing a sleep specialist). While sleeping he gets up in a big huff and starts yelling and swearing and fighting something from his nightmare off. Twice he has involved me and one of those times he actually tried to strangle me and I couldnt get away (luckily I was sleeping face down). He has physically hurt me in these episodes but has no recollection because it happens while hes sleeping. Secondly, the spare bedroom is all of my furniture from my parents home. It's my bed, my dresser, my guitars, my memories. It's so comforting and I LOVE sleeping in a bed all to myself. Last night he had THREE night terrors, one of which he even pulled his c-pap machine off the night stand and it came crashing down on his head. They are so startling and scary and I'm honestly fucking exhausted today which is worse for my anxiety. I'm a ball of nerves today and just want MY bed. Thing is sleeping in a separate room also feeds my OCD. I start to refrain from touching or being near my husband, because I want to keep my room totally contamination free, and I do it subconsciously too. I felt like moving back in to the master was a big step in my healing. But holy hell I could really use a good nights sleep. Sleep is one place I can get away from my anxiety, but surprise surprise, my husband acts out his oddly frequent nightmares and now sleep isnt an escape either. I'm exhausted and scared and anxious and good lord. Someone help. Is it really all that bad if I go back into my spare bedroom?

I was reading some articles about the dark web and I’m shocked and disgusted by some of the things on there. Also I’m scared I might go on it because of how easy it is to access, I’m getting worried that my details are on there and people may be plotting things against me. I’m getting this weird urge to go on it and my mind is saying “you do want to go on and see this and that” but I know I don’t want to😭

I start school tomorrow and mostly when I wake up for school in the mornings I get anxious and I need to go the toliet sometimes even in school I get super anxious In class and it feels like I need to let out gas but it’s embarrassing and I get even more anxious and I really wanna get Rid of this problem but Idk what it is

What is meant by not “solving” your worries/thoughts? Does it mean not trying to make yourself feel better by dissolving them/ telling them they aren’t true, and if so what is the alternative that you should do?

I’ve seen people mention sitting with the anxiety and not trying to solve your thoughts. What does this do/help in the long run?

So I was at work, and I kept practicing disregarding/accepting the intrusive thoughts which we too many (some of them messed up) but I managed to hold on. I went for a bike ride after though, and everything came flooding back. Mostly, its because the loss of attraction. If I see any girl and I feel nothing (even if she not my type) I get scared that "it's all real and it's over, f-you J!" I'm so sad that I've had to battle this for as long as I have. 10 years of this and its stronger than ever. I've never been diagnosed and I gotta wait 13 long days til my first therapy session. This doesn't feel like my life. I'm in hell.

when i was little, i would feel aroused by sexy images of women.. i would even look at them while i was pleasuring myself, but it never registered to me that doing was gay.. until now. i find women to be be really attractive, but i always thought it was aesthetically, not sexually. i have never fantasized about being with another woman or ever seriously considered being romantic with a woman. i just see myself as being friends with them, but my HOCD has made me start reviewing my past for evidence that i really am gay, and it’s kind of making me question and even forget my attraction, crushes, and even relationships with men... i came out to my bf as bi when we started dating but never questioned if i should be with him to date women. i knew i liked men so i wanted to date men. it was easier for me to connect with men so it started to make me doubt being bi. im ok with being bi because i would choose to be with a man but my thoughts keep telling me that im a lesbian or that i could be gay. or that i dont see myself with a woman because society doesnt show that, even though i grew up always wanting a boyfriend and always wanting to get married and have kids. i feel so confused i dont know whats real or whats OCD

My dad smashed my laptop today. He threw it across the room because he was angry with me for not doing something he'd asked me to do. I'm scared I've lost work, a lot of my work is on google drive but I'm scared I've lost access to some things like my main email because I forgot the password to it. Anyway I have his card here and I intend on buying a new laptop with it. I just don't know what to get. I cannot decide. :( I'm worried I'll make the wrong choice.

Super weird question. I identify as a straight female. I’ve been madly in love with my boyfriend for 5 years. I occasionally watch lesbian porn and “enjoy” it. Does this make me bisexual? I now and so anxious about all of this when I never in “real life” have been attracted to women

Can anyone give me advice about having ocd while in school because it’s starting soon and I’m scared that I won’t do my best?

I think I accidentally stumbled across child porn. So I was on YouTube, watching adults of course and enjoying myself (finally without intrusive thoughts.) And I saw this video with "super young" in the title. I got the urge to click on it and I did, and I quickly got the urge to check out the other super young titles video. I didnt get off it to, not did I watch it at all. But I quickly exited out of it. Now I'm fearing that I accidentally just watched child porn. This was about twerking too. It was all adults twerking and the person in the video had adult curves but I'm honestly freaking out right now. Please help me. I'm not and don't ever want to be a pedophile. I was doing so well, up until this happened today. Fuck my life.

I know started developing a fear that anyone in my life is a pedophile. Okay so this is my situation. One time we were at a party. And a guys comes in with his 2 sisters. His sister are both teens one is 19. The other one is younger but I’m not sure. They look around the same age tho. And we were all there. And they guys says something like “yea they’re ugly and that’s why I’m pretty” & my dad says “oh maybe it’s the other way around”. He said it in a certain way. But I don’t remember exactly. I don’t know if he was trying to be “flirty” or just be nice and give a compliment. Or if he was just being playful/joking around. I also know finding someone “pretty/good looking” doesn’t mean they’re attracted to them. But I got really scared. And I keep wondering about things. Like I know sometimes my dad says things to get a reaction from me (or my cousins). I also know that many men find younger women pretty and good looking but will always stick with women their age. But I’m worried what if my dad is a p3do. Should I talk to him about it?

Did anyone have success doing erp on their own? If so what are your tips? I have tried to seek out therapy but it didn't work out in my favor. (I ll spare you the stories) I have been doing erp on my own for 3 weeks and made some progress. I have done fewer compulsions in general and I start seeing how absurd some of my obsessive my thoughts are. What is the danger in doing erp on my own?

U feel this urge to search gay things for example i go to the instagram search bar and i get this thought what if you search #gay or #lgbt or anything related to that and i wnd up doing when i go to porn sites to test myself i get this thought or urge to go to the gay category and i end up doing it i dont watch gay porn but i watched a gay erotic scene today and i got hard from it and still feel arousal when i think about it please can anyone tell me is this normal or am i just in denial?

Does anyone else struggle with this? To start, I’m not looking for reassurance. I know I have OCD and have a diagnosis. However, I’ve had trouble verbalizing this aspect of my OCD to my care team and haven’t met anyone who struggles with the same thing. I’ll do my best to explain! So pretty much, I spend probably 75% of my day thinking about social “mistakes.” Whenever I talk to someone I keep track of parts of the conversation that don’t feel just right and then afterwards analyze/review to figure out it if the other person misunderstood me, if something I said was offensive or made them uncomfortable, or if I accidentally came off as incompetent. It can be hard to talk to me because I repeat “I don’t know” and use long pauses so that I have time to think through the perfect most exact wording and how what I’m about to say could be interpreted by the other person. These situations where I’ve decided I made a mistake or someone might have misunderstood me then pop into my mind and replay intrusively over and over and causes me a great deal of distress. I will repeat certain phrases aloud to myself to “right” the wrong I made in the interactions and to try to get rid of the thoughts (which of course doesn’t work). I also get these thoughts about situations from years ago that felt fine then but now I think could have been harmful to myself or others. I am usually flipping between reviewing and trying to avoid thinking about like 20-30 different interactions per day. I will think about them for weeks and then as new mistakes come up I may let go of an old one for awhile. This applies to my written communication as well and I also ask for a lot of reassurance and confess to my loved ones. So, I don’t know if this was very clear but I wonder if anyone else deals with this? My therapist always seems to want to put OCD into certain subtypes and symptom dimensions but I’ve struggled to figure out how to explain this to them.

Hii .....i m facing a new problem 3 days ago I had dropped a neighbour boy on my bike to some destination at my town.today I came to know that he is a hiv infected patient....now I m afraid of contracting HIV...this thought troubles me a lot ....

I have my first therapy appointment with NOCD this afternoon. I keep telling myself to be honest and open as I can tend to minimize my OCD and fears in therapy. Here's to going "all in" on getting better.

For the ladies— I’ve had a really rough week, all to discover, “Oh. I was PMSing.” I should just 1) write it out on my calendar 2) don’t plan important stuff that week 3) plan breaks & self care. Stuff like that. Because this happens frequently. I just worry if I put it on a calendar, it’ll become a self-fulfilling prophecy and I’ll train myself to feel and act like crap that week. Thoughts about any of this? Now I need to explain to my male therapist the real reason behind my flurry of emails...

Hi there I feel rather alone with my OCD Iv suffered from contamination OCD for almost 20 years, I have OCD about a unattractive girl who went to the same high school as me, I feel compelled to wash my hands with disinfectant if I come into contact with anything she may have touched I also have a mild dose of intrusive thought OCD and religious OCD I’m just wondering if anyone else has experienced anything similar in regards to the contamination OCD