Welcome to
the NOCD Community

can y’all pls help? when i get an intrusive thought about something sexual i don’t want to like, i immediately get turned on or i think to myself without forcing myself “that sounds nice.” like my immediate reaction is i like it. then i have to reason with myself or convince myself i don’t like it. i just feel like if my natural thoughts are that i like it, then isn’t this the real me?

why did i watch those videos... what was i thinking??? how was i so immature and stupid?? i hate myself so much and i dont know what to do

When You Have OCD but You’re Not Afraid of Anything: Treating ‘Just Right’ OCD, Random Rituals, and Compulsive Behavior As discussed in A Simple Explanation of OCD, OCD is always about a fear of making a mistake you can’t take back that leads to experiencing a certain form of emotional distress forever (the Core Fear). But sometimes a person with OCD will say that they aren’t afraid of anything bad happening if they don’t do their compulsions. They’re often at a complete loss to explain why they’re doing what they’re doing. Such people often present with: A need to get something ‘just right’ A need to do a nonsensical ritual (one that isn’t connected to preventing something bad from happening, even ‘magically’) A need to do a behavior that came to mind (e.g., watching pornography) In these cases, a feeling of distress or discomfort typically accompanies the urge to do the compulsion, and the person is typically afraid that this feeling will persist permanently (or worsen) if they don’t do the compulsion, or if they don’t do the compulsion before it’s too late. Here’s why these people are stuck: Because they are afraid of being permanently distressed or uncomfortable if they don’t do the compulsion, they always do the compulsion. And because they always do the compulsion, they never have an opportunity to find out what happens if they don’t do the compulsion. And what happens if they don’t do the compulsion? That feeling of discomfort or distress goes away. They don’t get stuck feeling that way permanently. Thus, as is also always the case with OCD, the person is afraid that not doing the compulsion could be a mistake they can’t take back that leads to permanent emotional distress; and by doing the compulsion they prevent themselves from finding out that nothing bad happens if they don’t do it. But rumination can complicate things: Often a person with this presentation will object to the claim that the distress would go away if they didn’t do the compulsion. They will say that there have been times when they have put off doing the compulsion, and that they have felt bad until they finally gave in and did it. This convinces them that their fear is actually true: Their distress will continue indefinitely until they do the compulsion. But in fact, the distress only continues because the person is ruminating about whether or not to do the compulsion, which perpetuates the feeling of distress. Rumination thus creates a self-fulfilling prophecy: By ruminating about whether the distress will continue until they do the compulsion, the person causes themselves to experience the distress until they do the compulsion. People like this have only ever had two experiences: Giving in and doing the compulsion Putting off doing the compulsion, but ruminating about it until they do As far as they know, there is no other way out. They can either give in, or suffer until they do. And why fight when you know you can’t win? They have literally never had the experience of: Neither doing the compulsion Nor ruminating about it Once they have this new experience, not only do they discover that there is another way out, they also discover that their distress actually goes away if they make a clear decision not to do the compulsion, and to stop ruminating about whether or not they are going to do it. Contamination OCD often functions similarly to the above, but it’s a unique enough presentation that it deserves its own article.

Mark’s Gay and That’s It: A response to Mark-Ameen Johnson’s article about HOCD If you are an HOCD sufferer, you’ve almost certainly read an article called “I’m Gay and You’re Not: Understanding Homosexuality Fears” by Mark-Ameen Johnson, a gay man with a history of OCD. The purpose of the present article is to explain why that article is both misguided and potentially harmful to HOCD sufferers, and to offer more accurate information about HOCD. But first, one quick disclaimer and one trigger warning: Disclaimer: I am going to argue that Mark’s old article is very wrong about HOCD. This is not an ad hominem attack. Mark spent time and energy trying to help people suffering from HOCD, and that is laudable. In fact, Mark and I have been in touch since I originally posted this article, and he’s told me that he has learned more since writing his article, and now agrees with the critiques below. Mark has told me that he wrote his article back in 2005, in an effort to address the questions that people with HOCD were asking him. He’s asked me to publicize that if he were writing his article now, it would be quite different. Trigger warning: People with HOCD often read articles and forum posts for reassurance. Their logic is basically that if people with HOCD describe similar experiences to them, then it must be the case that they also have HOCD, and aren’t really gay (a false dichotomy); so the posts and articles are not only validating, but also reassuring. This article will not be reassuring. It will not make you feel better or more certain of your sexual orientation. It may therefore cause a sharp increase in your anxiety. Mark’s premise Although he didn’t use these terms, Mark’s basic argument was that if sexual feelings are ego-dystonic – meaning they don’t feel like you – they are not real and do not define your sexual orientation. He opened with the assertion that “If you say you are heterosexual, then you are. Period.” He then proceeded to explain that based on his experience, anything OCD says is automatically false. Specifically, he said, “HOCD obsessing over being gay = straight in reality.” He thus immediately reassured readers that he agreed they weren’t gay, based on the fact that they had HOCD. The problem with Mark’s premise There are a few problems with Mark’s premise: It’s not true: It is not at all true that having HOCD indicates you’re not gay. To be clear, it also doesn’t indicate you are gay! Having HOCD doesn’t tell you anything about your sexual orientation whatsoever. All it tells you is that you have OCD about your sexual orientation, which you already knew. It’s not helpful: Reassurances like this are useless. If an HOCD sufferer could just say to herself, “If I think it’s true it must not be true!” and then continue about her day, she wouldn’t have HOCD. Reassurances like this leave sufferers feeling better for a minute or a day, only to fall victim to another spike. It’s harmful: Mark’s article is full of (false) reassurance. Reassurance is compulsion and compulsion maintains OCD. Delving further into Mark’s arguments Mark gave the following examples of the distinct thought processes of a straight HOCD sufferer and a gay person: HOCD sufferer: “I know that I am gay, but I have only ever gotten hard with girls. This must be because I am in the closet, and I know that I’ll suddenly get hard with guys once I come out. But the thought of being with another guy makes me sick. Damn, gay stuff is so disgusting! I’d never want some naked guy to touch me that way. But my mind tells me that this is what I want, and that I’ll be O.K. with it once I come out because I am gay. But I’m not gay! But my mind tells me I am. Dammit, why won’t my mind shut up? I do all this checking by looking at gay porn, and I still don’t know what I am. But I just want to look at hot women instead. I have never been attracted to guys, but I know I am a gay guy. This anxiety is killing me. I can’t even hear the word gay without becoming anxious.” Gay person: “I know that I am gay, and I have only ever gotten hard with guys. I am in the closet because I am afraid people will reject me, yet I have always wanted with everything in me to fall in love with another man who loves me back. That would be so beautiful. I was taught that gay stuff was disgusting, but when I think of being held by a man I get butterflies in my stomach. When I see a guy I like, it just feels right. The only anxiety I feel is over what others think of gays and how I think I’ll be treated by straight people in power if they find out about me. I don’t feel any anxiety when I think about how lucky gay guys who are out of the closet must be, and I wish I could be like them.” He was basically saying you could tell the difference between HOCD sufferers and gay people based on three things: 1) a clear pattern of sexual arousal 2) a clear sense of what is desirable and what is disgusting 3) a clear distinction between anxiety based on other people’s homophobic beliefs and anxiety based on one’s own internalized homophobic beliefs If you have HOCD you wish that these distinctions were clear, but you know they’re not. Here’s why: 1) Sexual arousal patterns aren’t always clear. Sometimes you get aroused by things that don’t usually arouse you. Sometimes you prevent yourself from getting aroused. Sometimes you feel something in your genitals and don’t know if it’s arousal at all. Sometimes you can’t tell the difference between sexual arousal and anxious arousal. Sometimes anxious arousal blocks sexual arousal, both when you’d like to be aroused but aren’t, and when you don’t want to be aroused and anxiety prevents it from happening. 2) When you have OCD you can’t always tell what’s desirable and what’s disgusting. You may think about something that you’re afraid will arouse you, and then immediately undo it by thinking about how disgusting it is. You may have obsessive thoughts that tell you that you like things you actually do find disgusting. You may reassure yourself that you’re straight because specific sexual acts seem disgusting. You may be so anxious about all of these thoughts and feelings, that you don’t know which way is up. You may find certain things aversive because they threaten your sense of self, even if they are also sexually arousing, or would be sexually arousing if they weren’t so threatening. 3) Internalized homophobia is very real. Lots of people with HOCD say they have no problem with gay people or being gay themselves, as a way of reassuring themselves that if they were really gay they would readily accept it. Unfortunately, living in a homophobic society (and our society is still homophobic even though it’s relatively less homophobic than other places or any other time in history) still leaves all of us with some negative feelings about homosexuality. Therefore, the distinction between worrying about what others will think and worrying about what you yourself think is not always so clear. The article claimed that “On a primal level … gay people always know that they are gay no matter what tricks society employs. Straight people always know that they are straight no matter what tricks HOCD employs.” If you’re an HOCD sufferer I don’t have to tell you what the problem with this is: “How do you know if you know? What does it mean to know? I think I know but what if it’s denial? I worry it’s denial but what if it’s OCD?” Sitting in front of your computer and trying to figure out if you’re gay is the very process that’s keeping you stuck. But that doesn’t mean there’s no hope. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for OCD (AKA Exposure with Response Prevention AKA ERP AKA ExRP) can help you to get unstuck and gain greater clarity about your sexual orientation. An article that reassures you you’re straight will not help you.

Treating Two Types of Contamination OCD This article discusses two types of Contamination OCD. As discussed below, some contamination cases may reflect aspects of both types. Type 1 In the first type, the person is afraid of contamination because they are afraid that the contamination could cause something else bad to happen that could have permanent emotional consequences. An example of this would be someone who is afraid that if something accidentally touches a certain chemical or germ this could cause someone to get sick, which could lead to a permanent feeling of guilt, separation, etc. Type 2 In the other type, the person isn’t afraid that the contamination could cause something else bad to happen. Rather, they are afraid of the feeling of contamination itself. More specifically, they are afraid that if they don’t keep track of the contamination and keep it from spreading, then everything could become contaminated, and thus the feeling of contamination would become inescapable. These two different cases require different approaches to ERP: ERP for Type 1 In a case where a person is afraid of contamination causing something bad to happen, ERP focuses on taking risks by eliminating avoidance and compulsion, and by contaminating things on purpose. For example, depending on what they are afraid of, they might touch the floor and lick their finger, or touch a doorknob and then touch a plate in the cabinet. In this type of case, you can start with easier exposures and then progress to harder ones. Compulsive rumination could play a significant role in this case, but only as much as it could play a significant role in most OCD cases. ERP for Type 2 In a case where the person is afraid of the feeling of contamination becoming inescapable, ERP looks different. This type of Contamination OCD is driven by a specific form of compulsive rumination: keeping track of the contamination. Keeping track of the contamination actually generates the feeling of contamination that the person is trying to escape. Thus, as long as the person continues to keep track of what’s contaminated, they will continue to feel just as contaminated, and exposures thus won’t accomplish anything. Therefore, Response Prevention of compulsive rumination is the crux of the intervention, and must also be the starting point. The exposure exercises for this type of case look different as well. The person isn’t afraid of something becoming contaminated, as long as they remain aware of what is contaminated. Thus the exposure exercises discussed above don’t really make sense. Instead, the exposure would be to contaminate everything, or to otherwise lose track of what is contaminated. I prefer the former because it helps a person to completely resign themselves to everything being contaminated and to let go of keeping track (which makes the feeling of contamination go away). As stated, some cases reflect aspects of both paradigms. For example, someone might be afraid of losing track of the contamination, as in Type 2, resulting in a consequence that goes beyond the feeling of contamination itself, as in Type 1 (e.g., being unable to function and therefore failing). Similarly, someone who is afraid of a practical consequence of contamination, as in Type 1, might also generate a feeling of contamination by trying to keep track of what is contaminated, as in Type 2. To avoid missing the nuances of these in-between cases, it can be helpful to consider the following two questions when conceptualizing a case: Is the person afraid of a consequence of contamination; the feeling of contamination becoming inescapable; or a consequence of the feeling becoming inescapable. What is the role of compulsive rumination — specifically, keeping track of contamination — in the case? As the above illustrates, jumping into contamination exposures without a clear case conceptualization has the potential to miss the mark. I hope this article contributes to clearer case conceptualizations, and that this in turn leads to more exact interventions, and to better treatment outcomes for individuals suffering from this form of OCD.

Treating Sensorimotor OCD (AKA Somatic OCD) Sensorimotor OCD (also known as Somatically Focused OCD) refers to cases in which people become hyperaware of their bodily sensations, such as their breathing, swallowing, or heartbeat. While this might not sound so bad to someone who hasn’t experienced it, it can be profoundly distressing. Like with Pure O, the key to treating Sensorimotor OCD isn’t in the Exposure, but rather in the Response Prevention. Before reading any further, I recommend you check out Awareness, Attention, Distraction, and Rumination, because threading the needle between awareness and attention is the crux of the solution to Sensorimotor. Someone with Sensorimotor OCD typically engages in three different mental processes that perpetuate the problem: Trying not to notice the sensation Checking/monitoring whether they are noticing the sensation Analyzing/trying to figure out how to stop noticing the sensation Let’s take these one at a time: Trying not to notice the sensation Trying to not to notice something means trying to push it out of your awareness. As discussed in AAD&R, this doesn’t work. You can’t push something out of your awareness, and trying to do so entails directing attention toward it, which backfires and keeps it in your awareness. Checking/monitoring whether they are noticing the sensation Checking and monitoring involve directing attention toward the sensation. Needless to say, directing attention toward something is not a good strategy for someone who is trying to stop noticing it. Fortunately, as discussed in AAD&R, directing attention is controllable. Analyzing/trying to figure out how to stop noticing the sensation The person with sensorimotor is constantly trying to figure out how to stop noticing the sensation and how to navigate life with this problem (in other words, ruminating). This constant analysis and planning keeps them thinking about the sensation all the time. Fortunately, analytical thinking is also controllable. For help with this part of the problem, check out How to Stop Ruminating. In light of the above, here’s what you have to do to escape Sensorimotor: Stop checking/monitoring. In other words, stop directing attention toward the sensation. Stop constantly analyzing/trying to figure out how to solve the problem. In other words, stop ruminating. BUT! Don’t try to stop yourself from noticing. In other words, when the sensation enters your awareness, don’t try to push it out. Here are some additional things to keep in mind: Even though noticing and ruminating are technically separate phenomena, they don’t initially feel separate to someone with Sensorimotor OCD, because as soon as they notice the sensation, they immediately launch into analyzing/trying to figure out how to stop noticing it. It takes practice to see this distinction, and to accept noticing without launching into analyzing/problem-solving. Sometimes a person with Sensorimotor OCD is monitoring their body because they are afraid of missing a medical problem. When this is the case, it’s important to identify and challenge this justification. Does monitoring actually accomplish anything? If it does, is there another way to accomplish the same goal without monitoring all the time? Until a person lets go of this justification, they will not get better because they’re simultaneously trying to monitor and stop monitoring at the same time, and you can’t do both. Many people who are in the process of working on their Sensorimotor OCD feel upset when their attention drifts back to the body sensation. It’s important to remind them of a few things: You’ve been thinking about this body sensation for a long time, so of course you’re not just going to forget about it, and of course it will come to mind from time to time. The goal isn’t to stop this from happening, it’s to learn that you don’t have to get stuck when it does. Once you learn this, noticing the sensation will be so non-threatening that you won’t notice that you’ve noticed it. The fact that your attention wandered back to the sensation is cause for celebration. Hear me out: If your attention has wandered back to the sensation, that means it must have wandered away from it first, which means you successfully disengaged from it. Congratulations! Now do the same thing again. Does Exposure Have a Role to Play? As stated above, the key to this treatment is Response Prevention. There are only two types of exposures I use with Sensorimotor: Doing anything avoided. Setting reminders of the sensation, in order to practice not engaging with the sensation even when it is brought into awareness. This exposure also underscores that awareness of the sensation is not the problem and does not need to be avoided. Notably, sustaining attention to the sensation on purpose (which is unfortunately the most common intervention that therapists try) is not an effective exposure. In fact, it is just asking the patient to do a compulsion (directing attention toward the sensation) on purpose. Summary Sensorimotor is actually extremely simple to treat. The key is threading the needle between awareness and attention. If you stop fighting against the mental processes you can’t control, and start fighting against the ones you can, you’ll be feeling much better very soon.

Is OCD Curable? It is commonly accepted that OCD is a chronic condition for which there is no cure. This idea is frequently used as an excuse for incomplete treatment, especially of compulsive rumination. Many patients who have completed ERP no longer do any physical compulsions but still ruminate. These patients are often told that the reason they’re not completely better is that OCD is a chronic condition, when the real reason is that no one has taught them how to completely stop ruminating. So, am I saying OCD is curable? Let’s answer that question with another question: Would you say someone who engages in absolutely no compulsion or avoidance has OCD? I would say they don’t. I would say that OCD consists of compulsion and avoidance, and that therefore, by definition, no compulsion or avoidance means no OCD. The counterargument I would expect is that this person would still have intrusive thoughts. But this argument falls apart when you break down ‘intrusive thoughts’ into (1) uncomfortable thoughts that occur to you, and (2) any engagement whatsoever with these thoughts — i.e., compulsive rumination. While an uncomfortable thought occurring to you isn’t controllable, this is also not a symptom of OCD; it’s a symptom of being human. And any engagement whatsoever with the thought is controllable and is a compulsion — and we said this person doesn’t do any compulsions. So would you say that someone who engages in absolutely no compulsion or avoidance — who sometimes has uncomfortable thoughts like all other humans, but doesn’t engage with them at all — has OCD? I would say they don’t, or at least they don’t right now. Thus, drawing a clear distinction between a thought occurring to you, and any engagement whatsoever with that thought, leads to the conclusion that a person can completely eliminate their OCD. So does this mean OCD is curable? Well, it’s definitely much more curable than people think it is. But if the word ‘cure’ means that something is permanently better, I wouldn’t say OCD is curable, because OCD will only remain better as long as compulsion and avoidance are completely eliminated. Consider the imperfect analogy of someone who gets their cholesterol under control by changing their diet.* Have they been cured? Only as long as they maintain the changes that made them better. While it might sound daunting, eliminating compulsion and avoidance does not entail an ongoing struggle. In fact, once a person sees that they have complete control over these behaviors, staying away from them becomes easy. This is why, in my mind, the goal of treatment is not only to eliminate current symptoms, but to help the patient see that they are completely in control of their behavior, including their mental behavior. That way even if they do fall back into compulsion or avoidance in the future, they know they have the ability to get back on track immediately. So I’m not sure whether I can say that OCD is ‘curable,’ but I know that it is possible to get completely better, to the degree that OCD is no longer a part of your life or even something you think about. And this is the standard that I think every patient and therapist should strive for.

A Simple Explanation of OCD Many people see OCD as a random and complicated disorder, but it’s actually neither of the above. The goal of this article is to provide a clear and simple framework for conceptualizing this disorder. And off we go… Everyone has a worst fear. While most people would describe their worst fear in terms of a concrete event (e.g., losing a loved one, going to jail, losing all their money, getting cancer, going to Hell, etc.), what they really fear the most is the emotional state they associate with that event; and their actual worst fear would be experiencing that emotional state forever. So a person’s actual worst fear is experiencing their most feared emotional state, forever. People with OCD are afraid of making a mistake that they can’t take back, that would lead them to experience their most feared emotional state, forever. This is their Core Fear. The person with OCD avoids doing anything that could potentially lead to their Core Fear (Avoidance), and does extra things to protect themselves from their Core Fear (Compulsions). Avoidance and Compulsions are simply strategies that the person with OCD uses to protect themselves from their Core Fear, whatever that is. Unfortunately, these strategies cause problems in a few ways: — First of all, avoidance and compulsion are limiting, distressing, and exhausting. These are the obvious problems, which typically prompt people to seek treatment. — Avoidance and compulsion also backfire in that they lead the person to experience anxiety on an ongoing basis, because constantly protecting themselves from a threat entails constant mental engagement with that threat. — Finally, avoidance and compulsion prevent the individual from learning that they are safe without these strategies. To understand this last and most important consequence of avoidance and compulsion, consider the following metaphor:* Imagine that for your entire life, you’ve been afraid that if you don’t hold up the wall of your home, the building will collapse; so you’ve never taken your hands off the wall. There might be a part of you that wonders if this is really necessary, but you’re stuck, because if you remove your hands from the wall in order to find out if it’s necessary, it’s possible the building will collapse. The only way out of this situation is to take a calculated risk and remove your hands from the wall, despite how scared you are that the building might collapse. It’s easy to understand why you’d keep holding up the wall forever, and why you might feel like you have no choice, even though you actually do. The person with OCD is in a similar situation. They are afraid that letting go of the strategies they use to protect themselves could lead to irreversible consequences. But without letting go of the strategies, there’s no way to ever find out that they’re safe (and happier) without them. Furthermore, after so many years of feeling too scared to let go of these strategies, it’s easy to understand why so many people with OCD feel like they can’t control their avoidance and compulsions, even though they actually can. That’s it. To understand any case of OCD, all you need to know is what the Core Fear is, and how each form of compulsion and avoidance is aimed at protecting against it. To learn about Exposure with Response Prevention (ERP), the treatment for OCD, please see Exposure is About Learning, Not Habituation.

What to Do When You’re Triggered Some triggers are bigger than others, and on some days the thoughts are stickier than on others. This article offers some guidance regarding how to handle the types of experiences that people with OCD have. Case #1: An Average Trigger or No Trigger You’re walking down the street minding your own business when your obsession comes to mind. There may have been a trigger or it may just have occured to you out of the blue. It scares you, and your natural instinct is to start figuring out how to make it go away or whether or not it’s true. Or maybe your natural instinct is to try to push the thought out of your mind. You need to refrain from doing any of the above. Don’t try to push awareness of the uncertainty away, but don’t try to solve it either. Let it be there, do nothing about it, and get back to whatever you were doing. Just remember that this requires a clear decision to refrain from rumination. Case #2: When the Thoughts are Especially Sticky Even on a day when the obsession seems to keep coming back, you must stay stalwart in your decision to refrain from rumination. Make the clear decision not to ruminate, and recommit to this decision each time you find yourself pulled back in. To help you refrain from ruminating, give your mind something else to focus on, like an activity or an unrelated thought process. You’re not trying to forget about the obsession or pretending it doesn’t exist. You are well aware of it. You’re just giving your mind something else to focus on, to support your decision not to ruminate. Your job is to do absolutely nothing (including rumination) about the obsession. By not doing anything about it, you are giving yourself the opportunity to learn that your fear about it will pass on its own (and pass more quickly when you’re not ruminating). Case #3: A Major Trigger Sometimes a trigger will make you feel like you’ve been sucked into a vortex of fear and rumination. It’s like you’ve stepped into another dimension where your worst fear is eminently true and no evidence to the contrary seems to exist. Know that you are not alone in this experience: Most people with OCD have moments like this, when they are completely convinced that the worst is true. This isn’t the time to give into compulsion. This is the time to redouble your commitment to refrain from all compulsions, especially rumination. Your job in this situation is to weather the storm, while refraining from rumination and any other compulsion as much as you possibly can. First of all, make sure that you’ve been eating, drinking, and sleeping enough. If you haven’t, address the problem. Next, it’s time to whip out your distress-tolerance skills such as deep breathing, mindfulness, vigorous exercise, or a hot or cold shower. Remember to be compassionate toward yourself as you do your best to minimize rumination. It may not be possible to be perfect when you’re this scared, but do the best you can. By not ruminating or doing any other compulsion, you are giving yourself the opportunity to learn that even intense episodes like this eventually pass on their own, and that you don’t need compulsion/rumination to get you out of them. Refraining from rumination at these times will tend to make these episodes shorter, less intense, and less frequent.

Hey guys. Could someone describe whether and if so how sexual fantasies factor into OCD? Can a straight person have some same sex thoughts will masturbating, or Vice versa, without actually being that sexuality. I’ve read that the difference between OCD and genuine sexual orientation, I’ve read that is that the fantasies are enjoyable for someone who is gay/straight. Is it possible to have same sex fantasies taht you may enjoy to an extent, while also having OCD ?

Anyone else have moods they can't seem to get out of? Can't tell if this is tied to my anxiety or OCD...

Hi guys. I definitely relapsed. It seems like my medication is not working anymore. I keep having panic attacks and I want to go home (I’m away at college). I don’t know what to do.

Dont know if I should post this but, I am having bad real event OCD. When I was younger 7/8? I kissed my niece (we're the same age) and when I was 11, (she was 11 too) Or maybe I was 12? Not sure. Anyways, when I was 11 or 12, I told her "lets play a game called "fix"" where I told her to wrap her leg around me, Now I am experiencing guilt, I feel like I deserve to be punished, killed, shamed, the guilt is so bad its getting in the way of my life, I really need help.

Homicidal ideation Where it targets your family. And the most distressing element, does anyone get involutary arousal from it. Its really tripping me up.

Hey! I would really appreciate some advice. If it seems like I am asking for reassurance, you don't have to answer but my current theme is fear of rebelling and fear of being called lame and rebelling. It all started when I couldn't stop thinking of this guy I knew in high school. I went to a small Christian school and his mom was my Bible teacher but I knew that he was having sex before marriage and it really bothered me. He seemed proud and I felt like I was being judged by him in my head all the time. Like he was making fun of me for being so innocent. This morphed into my brothers friends and others making fun of me in my head for all sorts of things, my job, my bedroom decor, my values, all sorts of things and it made me fear that I wanted to start doing all sorts of bad things to prove to them that I wasn't a goody two shoes. Ir made me feel so anxious because I just wanted to be good and not think about what anyone else was or wasn't doing. It made me distresssed and is still my theme todat. It makes me avoid things that may get me made fun of like my job (selling clothes), asking my family to play board games, anything that may seem too young, shopping with my mom etc. not bc I don't like those things but bc I am really afraid of someone who is doing things I disprove of making fun of me and me going crazy (and doung worse things that are awful and would land me jn jail) to show I am not too childish or broing or something. It's ruining my life. :( Also please don't judge my values, I am not trying to judge you if you have done any of the things I disprove of, these are just things I would really prefer not to do :/ and something that is making me anxious

I think this is my religion/existential OCD? I think I’m having an identity crisis because I feel like I know who I am. What I mean is that I place my identity in my values, and my passions. But I feel so incredibly guilty about that. Because everyone says to live through Christ. I’m having lots of doubts. Maybe I’ve made everything up. If I want to be a real Christian then I need to place my identity in only Christ, and to me I suppose that means to make religion the most important part of life. If I’m honest, I don’t think I can put God first. My passions and purpose seem to go before Him, even though I know that’s wrong. Or is it. I don’t know. I’m having an existential crisis at 17 because I’ve been through the ringer. I’m just so confused. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to put my worth in Christ. And I feel like an awful person for that.

Tw I want to kill myself but I also want to be alive so badly. I have two exams this week and one tomorrow and I haven’t even started studying and I don’t know anything. I hate it because I was irritated when my parents kept telling me to study but I can’t do anything I just want to die I don’t even think the material is that hard there’s just a lot of it and I can’t even remember the last time I was able to focus I just wish I died right now what’s the point of studying if I’ll hate myself forever lmaooooooooooooo

Lately I’ve been dealing with severe anxiety. I haven’t had a panic attack in a few days but I feel this fear every day. There’s times in the day where I convince myself I’ll be ok but then it comes back. My boyfriend tells me I keep letting it get to me because I sit there and think about it instead of trying to keep my mind off of it. I feel I have to fight with myself to leave the house. I only leave to go to work and back home or to church. I’ve also been dealing with separation anxiety from my children. I only want to be with them since I find comfort in being with them. I have intrusive thoughts on and off and I try to tell myself that they’re only thoughts since I know better than to act on them. I don’t feel bad about my life. I have a good life so I don’t quite understand why I’m feeling the way that I am? I don’t feel worthless or like I have no point because I have 4 children whom mean the entire world to me so the fear of death has been crippling me. I’m so scared to one day lose it and do something dumb. How can I overcome this? I’ve tried Zoloft and Prozac but they gave me horrible side effects of Insomnia, my pupils were huge like I was on drugs and I felt super antsy all over my body. My psychiatrist prescribed .25mg of Xanax twice a day and she also prescribed Trazadone for sleep. Can anyone please give me some advice? I feel I am causing myself such stress and want reassurance that I’m not suicidal. I’m also always googling symptoms. Just hearing that word brings such fear to me.😭

I need help with OCD when your partner did something bad and you feel you can’t get over it but you don’t want to leave. I need help. (No he didn’t cheat) I am having a mental breakdown and told Him I need some space just now but it’s been weeks since we “resolved” and it’s not a resolve bc some days I’m fine other days I keep thinking I should break up over it and it sent me into a downward spiral of ocd, making my depression worse, and I officially am having a mental breakdown right at this moment and I don’t know how to make a decision or function or decipher the difference between ocd and what I should be this upset over or not

So I took the plunge and tried shrooms. It was the lightest and happiest I’ve felt in forever. It’s been 2 days since, and I can say something happened to my brain to make my ocd anxiety die down a lot. I’m able to address my thoughts or simply ignore them rather than worry a lot. Yes I still have moments where I get extreme anxiety and I give into my compulsions. But it alleviated a lot of my symptoms. Even if it’s temporary, I have hope when it comes to medicine and shrooms being used for things like depression and OCD. I’m going to try it again soon. Give my brain a rest and see how the next few weeks go down. I have an appointment scheduled for IV ketamine. The doctor told me a lot about how people come in to treat OCD and leave feeling almost cured. Hope that’s my experience too. If anyone has any questions, I’m here.