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Hi all, just need to rant because I'm exhausted. CW for body and sexuality OCD. Sometimes I really wonder if I'm strong enough to get through this. I understand now why I've only had the strength to deal with OCD at discrete points in my life, times when I would be completely consumed by terror and not know why. But as time has gone by and I'm more actively working on my OCD, I can't push it down anymore. Part of me misses that, even though I know it's better to be working on my response to thoughts as well as the trauma underlying them. My OCD shifts between body/health and sexuality obsessions, and my compulsions are largely mental. The thing that has put me in a bad place the past couple days is just the unrelenting nature of the thoughts. I know you're not supposed to fight with them but it's so hard for me not to. But whenever I successfully defuse one obsession, another takes its place. Today it was defusing a freakout about a hormone test I got back this week (spoiler: contact stress can alter your hormones); I finally accepted that the results are not an indication that my body is broken or that I'm going to be alienated from my sexuality forever. Later on in the day, I was triggered by a picture of an actor from an old Nickelodeon show: my brain freaked out when I saw it because I took my reaction as attraction to someone underage, which of course must mean I'm a pedophile. And being a pedophile all this time (despite a lifetime of evidence to the contrary) would explain why I've felt disconnected from my sexuality the past year. In short, I feel like even when I'm not actively being tormented by intrusive thoughts that challenge the very nature of who I think I am, I constantly live in fear and even avoidance sometimes of being triggered. I know a LOT of the weirdness around sexuality in the past year is simple fear of being triggered, by something that "may" being lying buried beneath the surface. It's exhausting and it makes me fundamentally distrust myself and my ability to know myself. At the end of the day, I get glimpses of who I could be if I wasn't at war with this almost every single day of my life. I know the content, peaceful, compassionate person behind all of this. I may have in the past, but I don't believe myself to be the monster my OCD tries to convince me I am, which makes it maddening to still be subjected to this abuse day in and day out.

there’s actually no fucking way that I have had HOCD since I was 12 years old and that it wasn’t a sexuality crisis this has haunted me for years off and on so much so that i’m always conscious of jt even when it’s not that bad it was more like i had hocd and it affected me so much that i was kinda scarred like mentally which to me sounds like sexuality crisis that has gone into denial after years of convincing herself that she was straight in fucking begging someone to answer me please

So it’s currently 2:42am and I think I’m finally losing my damn mind. I’m exhausted and all I want to do is sleep, but my stupid head has other plans 🤯 I really don’t understand any of this. I’m absolutely terrified because I feel like I’m becoming a monster. I feel disgusting, I cant stop crying. All I want is for this to go away and stay away. My head hurts, my heart hurts, my whole body hurts. I don’t know what to do anymore. I really don’t want to die but it feels like that’s the only option for me. I’m only 17 and I don’t want to waste my life on suicide. But I am so so so scared of the future. I can’t stop thinking “what if I start to like the thoughts and become the thing I hate most in this world”. The groinal responses are the worst. I need it to end. People on this app have been going through this for years and years, they are unbelievably strong. I’ve been going through this for about 6 months and I’m ready to give up. I can’t take it. I’d rather die than harm a child in any way. My whole soul has given up on me. I’m so scared

my soocd fears are slowly shifting into “what if i’m homophobic?” or “what if soocd was just coined by someone religious who just didn’t want to be a different orientation” feeling sick to my stomach

TW / TMI i feel really ashamed and scared about the kind of porn i watch. it’s often step dad stuff. i am in no way attracted to my dad or anyone in my family, i think i just watch these videos for the taboo. but i always feel so disgusted about myself and i’m worried i subconsciously want it which makes me anxious. i know i don’t but it’s still hard. i also have the fear of ever being inlove with my brothers which terrifies me and grosses me out to even think

Anyone else struggle with starting anxiety medication due to the fear of the side effects? Any tips on how to get started?

Dammit dammit dammit. Pedophelia is wrong and gross. I know that. I’ve always known that. But why does it feel like I’m starting to like the idea of it. I just want to go back to how I used to be. I know I was happy like that. Now I just feel like a creeper and gross and like a completely different person from who I was before. It also feels like who I was before has been completely overridden and is like “yeah no that person never existed. You’ve always felt like this.” It’s probably OCD taken almost complete control, and I know that. But it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it. I was so definitive before that pedophelia was messed up and people who like that were monsters, and if I truly knew that I wouldn’t be questioning myself right now. I know that’s what OCD does. None of this probably makes sense. And it probably is one giant OCD rambling.

POCD NSFW 18+ warning Hi everyone. This will be the most difficult post I will ever have to make but this is something I have to do as I’m scared and terrified of being something I don’t want to be or someone saying that I’m this monster when I don’t want to be one. While I always masturbated to women that were 18 or older, I masturbated to loli stuff a handful of times at the ages of 16-18. And now I regret it immensely. I now have intrusive memories and thoughts telling me that I’m a pedophile or that I’m a MAP when I dont want to be that at all. I’ve previously had HOCD for 8-9 months, and it feels like I’m not anxious enough, so I’m scared even more. I masturbated to a Marge x Lisa fanfic a couple times and I’m scared that I’m a pedo or an MAP in denial when I dont want to be attracted to children at all. I’ve had crushes on girls my age. I have never ever had an attraction to kids in my life. I have never fantasized about kids in my life, and I certainly have never molested or raped anyone in my life. I’m so fucking scared because I don’t want to be a pedo. I’d rather die than be some disgusting pedo. I don’t want to be a MAP, gay, bisexual, anything. I just want to be a straight man with a wife my age. I’m so scared and I feel so guilty about everything. I can’t sleep at night and I’m so so so scared of being a pedo or a M.A.P. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be a pedo or a M.A.P at all. I don’t ever want to be attracted to kids ever. I will never want to be with kids, and I’ve never fantasized about kids ever. Please someone help me. The last thing I want is to be some disgusting pedo or a MAP for the rest of my life. I gag and puke to thoughts involving kids, and I have a fierce condemnation of pedophiles or anything like that. I hope I’m not in denial. I don’t want to be a pedo at all. Please someone help me.

Has anyone gone through depersonalization and then your ocd gets fixated on it how long did it take you to recover from it?

Am I going to be wasting my time and money as well as a therapist, by doing therapy with them to do ERP when I’m already trying on my own to not do compulsions when triggered and I’m doing pretty good at it, I would say 8/10 I don’t do my compulsions now ? I need to know if I should cancel therapy before I even start

Do you guys ever feel like you'll never be able to find love because of all the obsessions and intrusive thoughts you have? Especially if you have have real events it's based on? It's definitely something that comes up for me frequently. I feel undeserving of love and that no one would understand me.

Does anyone elses ocd attack you from things you did in the past?

I'm deciding to type all the obsessions I can remember having over the years. I'm 18 now so it'll be a long list lol. -Me worrying I harmed a friend in kindergarten. I avoided him. -My star wars toys don't really belong to me after receiving them on Christmas. I kept worrying about it and felt bad Those are the youngest ones I can remember. I was 6. - In fourth grade I had the obsession I would go to hell. I had "I swear to God" playing in my head constantly and I compulsively prayed CONSTANTLY. This was one of the worst obsessions I've ever had. -Fifth grade I'm afraid about simelnilla from my turtle, ( I don't know how to spell it) I used stupid amounts of lysol and washed my hands way too much. Overall this was mild. -Sixth I was worried my sister would get pregnant by sharing the same shower as me. I scrubbed everywhere I touched including the sink, toilet seat and THE FLOORS. This is the end of my younger obsessions I can recall. My OCD seemed almost dorment for a few years then covid hit with lockdown. This is why I'm in a hellhole now. During lockdown I've obsessed, -A family heirloom I have on my shelf will break because of my shelf snapping. I covered it in over three feet of blankets and checked it constantly through the night. In the morning I gave it back to my father - I've worried I'm a reincarnated N@zi and traitor to my country. This was very stressful. - I worried I had transgender surgery at birth and am not a male. -I worried I was attracted to animals -I worried that the women I've been attracted to are secretly male or have had transgender surgery. -I worried I wanted to kill my family -I worried I want to touch children These are my main themes as of today, -Ive worried I'm gay -Ive worried I'm bisexual Why does life have to be so hard? I've been punished so much. I've had three surgeries on my neck. I've moved many times. I was bullied until 7th grade. I've always wanted a wife. Now it's like I can't have that. I seriously don't want to be with a man. I'm very lonely. My girlfriend played with me, lied and cheated then called me a bad person. This post makes me realize I've been through a good amount of shit in my short time. I want peace.

What are the goals really for ERP and recovery? I’ve been reflecting on this as I finally feel that I’m making some progress. For me personally, my goals are less anxiety when exposed to triggers, and less frequency and intensity of intrusive thoughts. I know they’ll never truly go away, but I’d love to get to a point where they don’t bother me as much or I hardly notice them anymore. Is this realistic? What are your guys goals?

Someone help ? Please ?

Feeling a bit anxious this morning. I am worried that my intrusive thoughts are beginning to give me semi erections. I thoroughly believe they are groinal responses but it’s because of the obsessing. Furthermore, these groinals are so unnatural...everyone who’s a guy knows that erections are gradual and pleasurable. The problem is I have no control over my thoughts. It is as if my my mind has conditioned itself to associate my thoughts with sexuality in general and now I can’t even masturbate without immediately seeing a dude in my line of vision. Even when I stare at pretty girls it’s like it morphs into a dude. I know my OCD is taking over but this is scaring the shit out of me. It’s taken away my masturbation and my mental clarity. Mind you I’m 23 and NEVER in a million years would I have questioned a thing like sexuality. I feel like I’m trapped inside a box and my ocd brain is now calling all of the shots....

I know I'm not bi/lesbian, but I'm scared what if I turn bi/lesbian after this SO-OCD journey and I don't want that. Since I've been saying "Yeah, maybe I'm bi", I've been having these weird dreams and images that would give me anxiety every time. Isn't it suppose to stop once you've accepted uncertainty? LMAO maybe I'm still doing the compulsions and all of that. The thought of turning bi doesn't even bother me anymore, but it doesn't mean that I am or that I would want to be one. I don't know SO-OCD is sometimes convincing, but I still can't see myself with a girl because it is SO different from what I've always dreamt of. Anyways, I'm just so confused about my sexuality and I wish I could go back to myself before.

Take a mental pause from your OCD. Answer these questions and give yourself a break from your obsessions- you deserve it. 1.) Would you rather explore the deep sea or outer space? 2.) What’s a quote you think about a lot? 3.) Do you like having breakfast for dinner? I’ll start: 1.) Deep 🌊 2.) “Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep balance you must keep moving.” 3.) It’s 8pm I want pancakes. 🥞

So ERP has really helped with my OCD symptoms, but I have seen an increase in my social anxiety. Has this happened to anyone else?

i’m really anxious about something i sent to a group chat about an assembly about highlighting the talents of black students in my school (i go to a preforming arts hs) which is so cool and jokingly i said “fr like why are the ppl here actually talented i thought that was a joke hfhsosbk” and someone responded and said “Obviously this was gonna be amazing, I expected nothing less” so i responded feeling really bad clarifying what i meant and said “yea ofc i meant like at this hs like ppl who go here are so talented and it’s like wow y’all are so good i feel so out of place yk y’all weren’t joking about being talented “ and no one responded to that message and i’m so scared that i offended them/ they think i’m racist/ they hate me and i’m crying/shaking and i feel so so bad