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the NOCD Community

hi ! i am new here. i think that i have ocd , i am 14 and i have a lot of symptoms . i told my doctor about this and he laughed at me he just said, and i quote “some people have it so bad that they can’t even can’t get out of bed” . i was beyond shocked and pissed , he just compared me to other people who have it worse. he said that if it got any worse to come to him and ask again and he will see if i needed a person to talk to. here are all of my symptoms : goes back and touches / smells things over again checks locks constantly the number 4 - 4 ppl in my family pausing video and listening closely to make sure their all okay, will sometimes get out of bed and check in all of them “if u don’t do this - they will die” 6th grade- would kiss picture of us all and say a prayer on each of their faces- would get angry if interrupted scary thoughts of hurting people even though i know that i never would repetitive thoughts- thinking of the same over again repeating conversations in my head and analyzing each word - even simple things counting syllables in words many times - sometimes even w/o even being aware when someone mispronounces a word i will say the way they said it and then the correct way 4 times always going back to check things. lights, doors, family, etc. stopped watching scary movies bc they always triggered bad thoughts ex. someone in the movie gets murdered by getting hit w a bat. my head makes me think of me doing the same thing to my family stopped having sleepovers in fear that i would hurt them. i knew i wouldn’t though confessions can’t blink at “harmful objects” it’s a lot i’m sorry. i told him these and he still didn’t believe me. please please please pleaseeee hey back to me

I’ve had hocd for around 7 months now, wasn’t too bad at first but has been getting progressively worse and worse, partly because of a lack of sex drive but also because I frighteningly only experience arousal when thinking about men but nothing happens any more when I think about women, literally zero. I try not to judge other people, but I wouldn’t really want to be gay, cos it would mean that my whole life was a lie from before this came along. I don’t mind other people doing it but it’s never been my thing, and now I can’t even get any feelings for girls like I did before. I try and ignore any thoughts that come along about how I must have been gay from the start and attribute that too OCD, while accepting the possibility that it could be real, but the arousal in the wrong context is too disturbing to let that pass. I just wanted to know if anyone was experiencing something similar. Bit of background: I’m a virgin and have always had a relatively low sex drive for a long while after coming off watching porn, but before the HOCD struck. Had POCD before and that was awful but always related to girls not guys.

As someone who has suffered from debilitating OCD throughout my life, I can completely understand all of you. It is a vicious cycle. The invasive thoughts are the worst. And the more you try to ignore it the stronger it gets, it seems. At one point I felt I couldn’t longer handle it. I just wanted the thoughts and compulsions to end. I even begged my doctor to give me ECT therapy (shock therapy). I was at my wits end. I tried so many drugs that I can’t even name them all. Sometimes they would help but only marginally. And most had side effects that were intolerable at times. Some of the drugs actually made the OCD worse. I would get nightmares. I would go to bed with dread, and wake up with dread. It’s a constant state of fear that unless you suffer from OCD you could not understand. So let me tell you I understand. It is incredibly lonely mental disease to have. If I had a dollar for every time somebody said to me “ just think about something else “ or “Do things to keep yourself busy” etc… I’d have a huge stack of dollar bills. Explaining OCD to somebody who does not have it is like trying to explain color to a person who has never had sight. Even doctors don’t understand. All they can do is tell you what they learned in a textbook, and based on what they have experienced with other OCD patients. My OCD is always going to be there and I have accepted that, but it’s just a matter of managing it and trying to get the most quality out of life as possible. This would be my plan of attack: First of all, accept that OCD is something that you like we will have to live with just as diabetic people have to live with diabetes. There is no magic cure for OCD, and really no drug that treats it. You also need understand that you are not your brain. You are completely separate from your brain. You are not your thoughts. You are the unmanifested consciousness that resides in your body. Your brain is merely a tool. That’s really all it is. You are the watcher of the projections and thoughts that come from your brain. You are not putting these thoughts and compulsions into your brain, it is the other way around. Your brain is actually putting these thoughts into YOU. I know this sounds crazy but I like to think of my brain as a bratty kid who constantly wants attention. The more I pay attention to it, the more it will act up because it knows it will get a reaction out of me. stop and think for a second of how you really should treat a bratty child that is spoiled and trying to get your attention. The best thing to do is not to engage. ingnore. I know it’s hard when there’s a screaming bratty kid in your head and you just want to shut it up, but you have to trek through the tantrums. You have to trek through the thoughts that it’s pushing into yourself. More power you have over your mind the less power it will have over you. Remember on the other side of all the screaming in your head there is peace. Behind all noise there is silence. You have to find that silence beyond all that noise. You can get there, but it takes practice. You need to be the watcher of the bratty kid that is your mind. When a bad thought projects from your mind, observe it as a third-party. I have found that separating myself from my brain has been the only real relief for me. And it is the kind of relief that is long term and the relief is stronger and stronger as I get more power over my brain. I highly recommend reading “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. It goes into this far more deeply. Sometimes my brain will still try and throw little tantrum‘s (OCD thoughts) here and there. And you want to know what I do? I roll my eyes! I don’t fight with it ( remember it wants a reaction out of you ) . I quietly observe it, and the feelings it brings along with it. Then it fades away. Just remember, things will get better. They will. Especially if you don’t engage. Remember your thoughts are not who you are. Your consciousness is far more powerful than any thoughts could ever be! Most importantly don’t lose hope! Don’t ever lose hope!

FUCK i really REALLYneed help. Been overthinking. My fucking cousins have lice and they’re contagious right? Well I contracted and I’ve been doing everything to get them out but my cousins are lazy and won’t exert the same effort. I thought I was free from if, turns out I still have it bc I found a big one. I’m FREAKING out. My friends and I are close and I just worry I might have given it to them too and I’m gonna cause an outbreak. I feel so guilty and like i have to confess to them incase they do have it so they can take precautionary measures so we wont be passing lice to each othef but at the same time i kind of dont want to because im so scared they’ll avoid me or not be as close much I’m 19, lices are for kids. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed i dont know what to do

Everything is getting so much worse especially these stupid visions that feel so real that I feel I'm not here anymore I'm just trapped in my own mind with these visions anf I feel it's making me fade away and losing my mind , am I going to be crazy? ...i think I'm already tho

Hello. I’m new. I’m going to therapy tomorrow and we’re gonna start CBT soon. I’m really scared and I don’t want to open up cause I don’t want to say all of it. I’m a bad person

Does anyone take Zoloft . I have the medication with me but I’m just to scare to start it. Does it actually really help with ocd/anxiety?

So are there any success stories here? Like I know this seems needy but I just kind of want to manage my expectations when it comes to “recovery”....like who here tried therapy or medication or both and had it really help them in their lives and how?

I’ve never been the type of person to open up about myself but these last 3 months have been the hardest, worst time of my life. I’m 16 years old, and I’ve been anxious and had anxiety my whole life. Over the last couple years I’ve learned how to cope with my anxiety and be a happy person. But one night in January, i was watching random videos on YouTube, and a video about serial killers came on. I’ve always been interested in crime shows/documentaries, so I didn’t think twice before deciding to click on it. In the middle of the video I had this intrusive thought that said “why do people murder loved ones or innocent people” and “what does it feel like to kill somebody” I am not aggressive, or have ever caused harm, but these thoughts scared me to death. I felt a instant shock of anxiety and panic immediately. I thought something was wrong with me. I turned my phone off and went to bed hoping the next day I would forget about it. Unfortunately I never forgot about the thoughts, and still have intrusive thoughts that affect my day to day life. I feel so hopeless, even after seeing a therapist, and being on Prozac for 5 weeks I don’t feel a difference. Every time I try to be positive and tell myself “they’re just thoughts” ocd tells me, “yeah sure, but what if you did these things”? “What if you WANT to do these things”? I stress that I might actually want to do these horrible things secretly and am convinced that one day I will commit these crimes. I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel so hopeless, and even being around my girlfriend who used to bring me so much joy, I still can’t be my regular self. Please I feel so hopeless and sad I can’t even do the things I used to enjoy, remembering I have these thoughts is with me 24/7 from the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep. Anybody have advice? Sorry for the rant I just needed to get this off my chest. I just want to be normal again and enjoy being around my family and my girlfriend again

Hiii. So I’ve been having not so great a day today and recently. It’s honestly not even involving OCD and more my general anxiety and depression. It’s just stemming from an issue that I’m stressing over and struggling with. I’ve been feeling kind of alone, but I’ve been reminding myself of the community I have on here and that’s a great comfort. If anyone is in need of any help please let me know. I’d love to help ❤️❤️

God I can’t take this anymore I can’t live with these thoughts and feelings anymore..does anyone else’s brain make them doubt that their worries are okay and making up reasons for it. I’ve been battling the thought of me like humping a baby and leaving me feel like I want to do it but in reality I would never hurt a child. These thoughts are so hard and I feel so ashamed and frustrated. I feel like every time I try and reassure myself I get this woosh of anxiety and makes me feel like I’m lying to myself

Hi guys Been having a hard time lately with my religious ocd today. I went to church yesterday (personally I didn’t feel like going) but I went for my mom. And I’ve been angry at god and Jesus. There have been a lot of changes lately that have been stressing me out. I have a disability that I need nursing to watch me all the time. I will talk about that another time. It’s lent and they were just talking about how you have to go to confession or you will go straight to hell when you die. It struck my religious ocd like crazy. Personally I believe that if you feel badly and talk to god about it. You don’t have to go to confession. Cause your confessing to god. I’m 25 now and I graduated collage at the age of 23. Which was the most exciting thing ever. But when I was in freshman or beginning of sophomore year I was having a hard time with the transiting of college even though I commute. The reading was a lot for me and even in high school I hated reading and it took me longer to get threw the homework. We had an essay that we had to get done with reading it was nuts. And I couldn’t get it done. My mom also had to go to the emergency room because of her high blood pressure and they thought she was having a heart attack. it was nuts at the time. So I made a horrible choice and cheated on the essay because I couldn’t find the damn chapter in the book for the last question and it was due at 12:00am and I was cutting close to the time. I was caught but the professor gave me a second chance and I got a B+ on the essay. I feel horrible and guilty still for doing it. And graduation was hard for me cause I felt I didn’t deserve it at all. My mom doesn’t know about this at all since she was really sick at the time and I didn’t want to stress her out any more then she was. I pray to god and Jesus to forgive me. I tell myself Jesus gave me a second chance and I showed him that I will do the right thing. But I still feel guilty and I replay it in my head all the time. Do you guys think I’m going to go to hell for cheating. Or do you think Jesus forgives me. I’ve been worrying about it all night. Thank you for your help.

TW/tmi I know I’ve mentioned it on here before, but the idea of gaining a lot of weight is a fetish to me(I’m really sorry and mean no offense to anyone who struggles with weight). My psychiatrist said I shouldn’t worry, so long as it doesn’t victimize anyone (which I never seek after that). But I used to look up imagines like “imagine someone fed you” etc. Unfortunately, some people posted furry stuff related to weight gain or in the imagines the person would say “pig” to the person. Both the furry thing and calling someone a pig I found very disturbing, and that again wasn’t what I was looking for. But one time I saw a pig keychain on my professors bag, then I started imagining her gaining weight (again I’m so sorry). I didn’t imagine her as a pig, just herself, but I just feel sick. I don’t want to be a warped person. I remember when my roommate told me the synopsis of the first black mirror and it sent me through a panic attack and I felt disgusted. I don’t want to harm people and I don’t want to harm animals, nor do I want to make excuses though. yet I can’t shake this anxiety.

Hi everyone, I'm suffering from a pure OCD for 5 months. Two months ago, I went to the psychiatrist and started the therapy. The first obsessive thoughts were POCD, then fear of loss of control ( schizophrenia bipolar disorder) , and then intrusive thoughts appeared that I am a transgender person (TOCD). TOCD is very rare type of OCD and TOCD is upsetting and preventing me from studying and everyday tasks. I've never had any indication of transgender, I simply saw some transgender person on the internet and wondered if I am a transgender person? This is a rare type of OCd, so I wonder if anyone else has similar experiences? I'm 22 years old.

Day 3 on Zoloft 50mg and I feel so hopeless, anxious, like these obsessive thoughts will never go away!!! I’m scared. Why do I have such bad thoughts of my family :(

POCD is genuinely terrifying. Yesterday, I was reading fan fiction on tumblr because I was bored, and I thought that it might help as an exposure because whenever I read it, I get a lot of intrusive thoughts. And I haven’t read it in a while because it scares me, so I thought I would try and read it. All of it was fine, but then I came across one that I wasn’t sure what was happening and then toward the end, it was more clear that it was a teacher and a student (I re read it to make sure that it wasn’t anything in appropriate) and I think it said that the girl was nearly 18, so it was legal anyway, and I think the teacher was quite young. But for some reason, I then started to worry and thought omg what if I read it wrong and it was an illegal relationship (nothing even happened in it, they just held hands) but I really started to worry, and then I got scared that everything I read yesterday was inappropriate. I’m so sick of my OCD twisting everything and making me believe things that aren’t true. After I read it, I of course was spiralling and then I had a memory come to me that I think then turned into false memory. Because when my nephew was younger, I used to babysit him, and so I had to change his nappies. And obviously, when you change them you have to wipe them clean and then put the new nappy on, and for some reason, yesterday sudden panic ran over me and I was like ‘what if I did something inappropriate to him’ and it’s ridiculous because I obviously would never hurt a child or do anything like that ever, the idea sickens me ! But my OCD is making it feel so real and I feel so depressed and sad. And the more I think about it, the more it seems so real and I get scared that I’ve done it. I feel terrible and sick and i just want get away from my mind !!! What makes it worse is also the ‘fake feelings’ as well. I hate myself so much, I just want to cry. Has anyone experienced a similar thing to this ?

If anyone needs help in exposures or something they are struggling with I’m open to help! I’ve been dealing with OCD, anxiety, and depression for a long time now. I’ve got a pretty firm understanding on the mechanism of OCD and ERP. I am struggling with depression strongly at the moment but I’ve seen large and tangible progress with ERP ?

maybe TRIGGER WARNING I just have to share...I am struggling today. No depression, just thoughts. Thoughts. Thoughts. THOUGHTS! I am so afraid. I am pretty sure it is my OCD but I have had them for so long, even without knowing until recently that is was rOCD. I grew up with my now husband. We were never close friend but later in high school I knew he liked me...I completely wrote him off until senior year. Something felt different about liking him. Before anything could happen I met another guy I was attracted to. I was so confused then, I told them both it wouldn’t work. I told myself I must not have liked him if another guy looked appealing. It feels good to write this out. Only nice comments please. Later, after an awful spell of OCD (the one where I was diagnosed with OCD) my now husband supported me so much with prayer and encouragement. It began to feel right again (the relationship) as I got better with that lapse of OCD. Although I had SO MUCH anxiety over the 1st time I liked him. I was so judgmental over everything he did when we started dating. I felt like I wanted to marry him...I mean I couldn’t imagine anyone else but I kept thinking “why doesn’t it feel the way I want it to?”. This was all before I knew what ROCD was mind you. 4 1/2 years later and I am having such a bad spell of ROCD. I have had the thoughts since we started dating but now it has turned into a full blown relapse. I keep thinking “what if I made a mistake? What if I only liked him as a friend?” I am terrified. I married the most amazing man. I just can’t deal with these thoughts ? Sorry for writing a book but, again, it feels good to write everything out.

Just here to say don’t give up guys! I used to take about an hour in the bathroom washing my hands repeatedly. After a couple of months of frustration, I reduced it down to 30 mins. That was one of the best feelings I ever had. Fast forward to another couple of months (about 4) I reduced it down to 15-20 mins. Today I tackled the problem of washing my hands to less than 5 mins. I’m still waiting for the anxiety to kick in, I don’t know how I’ll handle it. Keep trudging on and let’s all win this battle! :)

Anyone experience a depressed mood for no reason? I feel absolutely terrible for no reason. My mind keeps looking for reasons of why I feel so bad. My OCD themes are that I would harm my wife and/or daughter of that I would become depressed and take my life. I have no desire to do either of these and the very thought of either of these things causes a great deal of anxiety. I have been doing really well for the last 2 weeks until 3 days ago. And I have had this feeling like something is wrong or that I am depressed. I have noticed that colors and certain settings cause me to associate them to negative experiences or thoughts. Perhaps this is what is bringing my mood down. I just want to feel good. Any thoughts or suggestions?