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How do I forgive myself for things I did as a kid? Disgusting terrible illegal things? I’m grown and I would never do them now, but how do I move on?

Hello! I’m not sure what to do. I have health anxiety and feel like I’m dying when after eating junk food and because of my poor habits and being not motivated to go to the gym. I also have a fear that there’s no afterlife and that I have no purpose in life and that we suffer for nothing. I don’t know how to cope and I’m not sure if religion is toxic for me because I want to be honest and realistic with myself. I believe but think it’s because I was raised in a religious household. I keep looking for certainty. I feel like I don’t know what I’m going to do when my grandmas pass away. My anxiety got so much worse when my grandfather passed and I don’t think I can take it anymore and am so confused what life really means. Why there’s suffering. I don’t feel a sense of purpose in my life at all and am more confused than ever. I’m struggling to do exposure therapy for all of this and don’t know how to do exposure therapy properly. I also don’t know how to cope when I see my family suffer. For example, when I saw my uncle have my cousin arrested, for seeing my grandfather die. I feel like there’s nothing good in this world because it always leads to tragedy at the end. My family believes there’s a God, which I’d like to believe that, but am also feeling like he might not exist. It used to be my values but not anymore when I learned that it’s bad for my OCD. How should I handle trauma when I already can’t take it anymore. I feel like life has been very boring and I really struggle to work at my office. I can’t be present in the moment and I’m easily bored and want to do things that will change my life, that are more fun. I don’t know what yet and am really struggling. I just go to a boring job, wait until it turns 5, and go home and go the same thing. Walk the dog, I don’t even want to cook because it’s so boring and wastes time, and watch tv. I really don’t like my life and don’t know what to do. I previously had terrible managers in the past and got laid off for one of my jobs so this is I guess comfortable but still. I’m so bored and just going through life and am struggling to really enjoy anything. This has been going on for years. I also feel so immature and hanging out with my friends who are way more mature and extroverted than me is an exposure in itself. I compare myself to them a lot since they’re so confident but I feel like they act like I’m a toddler at times and that they feel they have to take care of me. I just am always in my head and they always give me advice, whether I ask it or not. I’m not excited about my life, very bored, but I also am not happy with who I am. I hate doing things too bc I feel like it just makes me even more depressed and bored. I feel like junk food and alcohol are the only things I look forward to

I’m new here and I’m not sure what to ask, but I feel like I need to ask something. The first thing that come up is a recent experience I had with waking up in the middle of the night just thinking my life isn’t real, like not that nothing matters, but like actually not real. It was terrifying. Other times I’ll wake up in the middle of the night just spiraling thinking that I’m just a terrible person and I’m ruining my children’s lives and my husband would be able to manage things better if I was not here. Anyways, I was wondering if there was anyone else that has experienced things like this. And how you deal with these things. I’m not sure that I even have OCD but it is something that I keep thinking about. I don’t want to assume though so I’m just trying to reach out for some community and outside thoughts. Thanks.

idk if this is my ocd but for the past couple weeks i’ve been disassociating and getting anxious if i look in the mirror too long or look at pictures of myself. like i can’t comprehend what i look like and don’t think im real. i also have difficulty changing simple things abt my appearance like today i put in a hoop in my nose piercing instead of my typical stud and it’s making me feel weird. i feel weird taking pictures of myself, posting pics/videos of myself and like i said even looking in the mirror too long. why don’t i feel real? i feel so weird

Newly diagnosed with OCD but have struggled with depression, anxiety, ptsd, and night terrors for about 20 years now. Never knew it was OCD! Anyhow, I struggle with existential OCD and perfectionism OCD which has always caused me to dislike “regular” talk therapy because it never worked, there was no point, and I was worried I wasn’t doing it right. Well I’ve started ERP with my therapist, and now every day that I have therapy, I anxiously spiral about how it’s going to be bad, and I’m not going to get better anyway because I’m not doing it right, and what’s the point in getting better anyway. Sorry for the run on sentences. Does anyone have advice for getting motivated for therapy sessions and not fearing them? TL;DR: Does anyone have advice of how to stay motivated for ERP therapy with doubts of failing/anxiety/existential thoughts?

Really struggling over the past few weeks and on and off for the past 2 years. SOOCD themes are new for me and being bi or lesbian never crossed my mind until recently. I haven’t really dated anyone in almost 4 years and have had next to no desire to do so. I am questioning everything about myself and finding proof that I was really into girls this whole time. It’s distressing and I feel like I don’t know myself and that I’m lying to everyone around me. I’m afraid to be around people thinking they see what I don’t see. I can admit I’m attracted to hot women and get aroused when I see one but never in my life have I ever saw myself dating a woman. The sexual fantasy had been there but in the real world I never had crushes on girls or the desire to pursue anyone. Now I am overanalyzing my previous sex life, relationships and my ROCD with my last 2 boyfriends. I am thinking maybe it was because I never actually liked guys. I am also questioning the fact that I don’t have the same physical response to attractive men on the street as I do for some women. Something to note, when I got off my BC I started having fantasies about a male coworker I had a crush on. And it made me feel alive and like myself. So I wonder if my birth control is also fueling my OCD. I have always struggled with body image, comparing my body to other women’s, and my inability to enjoy sex fully so that also is fueling my SOOCD and making me think being with a woman would change things. Any and all advice helps! I am feeling really alone and so physically and mentally uncomfortable. I can’t talk about this theme with friends or family because I don’t want them to take this so seriously when I can’t even discern if it’s true.

Consider this a brief escape from your worries and fears. I must warn you that what follows may be a bit philosophical, but its relevance will become clear by the end. Many people dealing with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder—whom I refer to as 'over-thinkers'—often find themselves trapped by the uncertainty of the world around them. They get caught in an endless cycle of "what if" questions, unable to break free. While they know these thoughts are hypothetical, they still find it hard to ignore them. Interestingly, this awareness shows that they can distinguish between what is real and what is not. Let’s clarify what we mean by reality. Reality is what exists here and now, something we can perceive with our five senses. For example, your reading of my words doesn’t make you 'real' to me, as I cannot verify your existence through my senses. This brings to mind the classic philosophical question: if a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear or see it, did it really fall? Existence, however, goes beyond what we can immediately sense. It includes everything that has been, is, and will be, and can be verified through both our senses and our reasoning. So, while over-thinkers may struggle with the concept of existence, they are often very aware of reality, which is a positive sign. I believe that only those who crave certainty—our over-thinkers—have the potential to excel in fields like mathematics, which is all about precision. This desire for certainty drove great minds like Albert Einstein to seek universal laws, leading to his famous equation, E=MC^2 However, when Dr. Max Planck introduced the idea of quantum mechanics, suggesting that the universe is not just black and white but includes shades of gray, it challenged Einstein’s worldview. He struggled to accept this uncertainty, even going so far as to seek ways to disprove it. The key point here is that uncertainty is not a flaw in our universe; it is a fundamental part of it. The real question is not how to eliminate uncertainty, but how to make the most of it. Imagine a world where the sun rose from a different direction every day—such chaos would be unimaginable! That said, uncertainty does not control us. The field of probability helps us understand and navigate this unpredictability. Those who excel in this area—often our over-thinkers—can make significant contributions and even achieve financial success. In conclusion, I want to emphasize that uncertainty is a natural part of our existence. We have a choice: we can either use this uncertainty to grow and learn or try in vain to change it. The choice is yours. May your day be filled with thoughtful reflections. Happy day everyone.

im just living day by day. i’ve stopped doing the things i used to like doing because i don’t want to ruin them. i dont want my favourite music, movies, shows and hobbies to be tainted with anxiety and my own thoughts. im a shell of who i used to be and if i had the choice i’d do nothing. at this point i’m living to cover up my emotions. its even harder because i’m not actually diagnosed since i dont think i could handle telling my parents about what’s wrong with me. i have a lot of the symptoms and i’ve had them since i was quite young (16 now) and it just hasn’t been getting better, im just better at hiding it now. i dont want to bother my boyfriend or parents with my issues so i have to deal with everything myself. i don’t find anything fun anymore and i want to die, i have nothing to live for and i quite simply want it to end. i always think it can’t get worse but i fall deeper into my sadness and me saying i’m alright to people is a lie. i feel so incredibly trapped i don’t know what to do with myself anymore.

What do you do when nothing feel right. Like for example I feel like everything triggers me, everything feels weird, sounds, actions, my room. I feel like i will go insane any second and I cant enjoy anything, I cant be happy about my upcoming new job or events. I have OCD about me having shizhophrenia and omg it has ruined my life, it has only been about 3 weeks, but it has got me complitely. I want my old self back and I am scared that my loved one will leave me bc i am not getting better. I really want a new theme as funny it sounds, because even 2 years ago harm OCD was't this hard. I feel like something in me is changing, but i dont want it 😭 I will start therapy in the end of August and I just started taking medication. But for now I cant imagine this stopping and I fear that it will go downhill from this, i cant see me doing better, because if i have a good day I rember how i felt yesterday or when I had a panic attack and I cant get enough of it, i always remember those feelings and I start to worry about it over and over again.

Hi! Okay so everyday I wake up and freak out that I am dying or going to die soon and then because I think that, I feel like I am manifesting it but I cannot stop getting intrusive thoughts about myself or someone I love dying. I also can’t get in my car and drive without thinking I hit someone and somehow just didn’t know? And then I will just wait anxiously and think police will show up at my door. And lastly, I live in the past and always think about all of my mistakes and I can’t forgive myself and keep thinking my past will come back to haunt me. Does anyone relate to anything I said? I think it would just help to know I am not alone.

Hey, I am a gymnast and I'm pretty sure that I've had OCD since my childhood. It all started with small things like keeping my water bottle in a certain spot with me or keeping my shoes nice, aligned, and straight but nothing too serious or concerning to my parents. Now, I have all of these ongoing thoughts, especially as a level 9 gymnast. These thoughts are like "I'm going to miss my hands off the beam or injure myself," and other thoughts just like that. I have also started to have some more self-conscious thoughts about my image or having bad luck and a bad future. Now don't get me wrong I love gymnastics with all my heart but sometimes it's just hard especially since it is already a sport that puts a lot of stress both mentally and physically. I have just recently started therapy at NOCD. It is especially hard as a girl just starting to go through the stages of growing up as I am just about to turn 14. But anyway thanks for making me feel pretty welcome NOCD.

I tell myself so much that I don't believe in myself and that I feel like a bad person and that events of the past leave me greatly uncertain about who I am no thanks to OCD. When it comes to who I was as a teenager, to be honest, I was straight up fucking weird. I did weird things, I acted out, I wasn't good at socializing with people, and the more I try to look back into the events of the past, the more disturbed and disappointed I become. That just was not the person I wanted to be. I just wanna be able to put all of that aside and just be nice to myself. Be kind to myself and accept myself for who I am and just be confident. The thing is OCD doesn't let me. It feels like I'm not OWED to feel that way about myself or that I don't deserve to. Or that I need the permission of OCD to feel that way. I don't want it to be that way. I just want to be able to think positive about myself despite the past but that's next to impossible.

My severe ocd came out of nowhere in June of last year and completely changed my life. It was months and months of terrible days and a brain I felt like wasn’t mine. I was so fearful it affected my life in the worst way. Then after I was at the end of myself I almost had no choice but to just let it be. After awhile I started to recover. I took a lot of supplements used some non engaging tools and kept moving forward. I had been Feeling happy, not controlled by these thoughts, etc. But my friend told me she was moving a few weeks ago and it set me off again. I am back to where I was feeling so low and depressed thoughts right when I wake up I feel hopeless scared and like there will never be good in my life again. I feel like this isn’t ocd it’s my true self that I’m suppressing I feel confused I feel sad I feel scared and I’m so angry that this is my life. I loved my life before this and now I can barely get through the day. Is it still ocd is it inevitable for this to happen to me.

hey so i had a really bad intrusive thought about the cross and Jesus’ resurrection, am i going to hell :( im so scared i dont mean that but it just happened

Do any of you have lots of trouble “accepting uncertainty” as part of your ERP because as a Christian sometimes you wonder if it’s really OCD or true conviction? I’m struggling with this right now.

my aunt gave me edibles to help with my anxiety from my intrusive thoughts. well i think i ended up greening out and i woke up this morning and my brain feels all fuzzy and i still feel like im going to die. has anyone with ocd ever been through this. im so scared right now.

What do you do with yourself when it feels like it’s all true and that’s who you are and what you want now? It no longer feels like I’m doubting, it just feels like it’s reality. Please, tell me that it’s actually possible to turn into THAT? I can’t keep hearing everyone saying OCD when none of you know what’s going on inside my head and how I’m feeling. Please.

Does anyone that is diagnosed have experience having different themes come up in a day? It’s like I ignored one thought and then my mind comes up with another one until it figures out one that is scary enough for me to ruminate. Does it ever make sense? Like today my intrusive thought was an image of me in the space or falling into space which made me also think - this is non sense! Am I going crazy for having such an unrealistic intrusive thought? And then my psychosis OCD comes to play 🫠 it’s EXHAUSTING but I’ve been answering with “maybe or maybe not” and “I don’t care” which is something I saw someone saying that helps and I’ve been using it. I haven’t started ERP yet but hopefully soon. Just this year this came up and I still catch myself feeling so sad and remembering how I was before this. 😭

Has anyone have been in a weird state like everything feels weird? I have OCD about schizoprenia and now i am not just dealing with that and fear of hallucinations, but i also feel weird. I am scared of everything, even people, but like i know that everything is fine, its just my mind makes up delusions that everything is dangerous and i am walking on a thin ice. Nothing feels right and its soooo weird and scary 😭 it also feels that any second i will lose my mind and i feel constant tingeling in my chest like im in stress about something

I am 16, my name is marie. I am in desperate need of help. Here are afew of my stories. 1. and ever since I was 8, I want to say, I have struggled with POCD. I always felt like a predator to my younger niece and cousin. I’ve grown to hate her for solely no reason, and with my two other nephews that came along, I’ve also grown to hate them. Only because I don’t want to seem like a predator, even though it’s in my mind, do I want others to know I hate them and have no liking for them. There were other cases where it isn’t my niece and nephews and I just always had a hatred towards children I felt like if I actually had a bad experience with them I would’ve seriously harmed them. 2. I have no connection to watching Gore, or I was never exposed to Gore until the age of 12, which was a hard year for me. In 2019-2020, I believe it was when a complete stranger, Ronnie Mccnut, killed himself on a livestream, and people made it an internet meme for years after, and still to this day, I see it. I can’t remember if it affected me at 12, but that was the only time I saw it. Now, at 15, in March 2024, it came back to me. It feels like a curse. I’m just so tired. The same nightmare has been going on for months. Since March, it’s more just memories than just nightmares. It feels stupid because I don’t know the guy, but I always have nightmares of him, and I haven’t even seen the video since I was 12; ever since. I cannot sleep ever since I have had no proper sleep schedule and could only sleep when it was daylight at 6-7 a.m. and wake up at 2-3 p.m. My friend is not helping; she’s saying he’s spirit is attached to me, and I’ve lived thinking for the past few weeks that he was attached to me and wanting to curse me in some way and I felt like I had to kill myself/ felt like I was going to die the same way as him. I always had a fear that if I came to someone online and told them my intrusive thoughts, they’d always use them against me. My other friend who is diagnosed with OCD says I have all the symptoms and I just need to be treated. I can’t afford it, and I hate therapy.. my father is always involved for the consultation and laughed at me the last few times. I was forced into an eating disorder clinic from my narcissistic sister and that did not go well. Ohio health care is no help and they don’t care for you. 3. I don’t remember much but around age 14 to beginning of 15 I always felt the need to die, I felt like I needed to kill myself for everyone’s sake there’s no explanation for this one I was a normal kid I was going to school, good grades I have friends I was going to events I just had this task to having to kill myself, yes I’ve attempted a ton at the age of 14 and luckily I haven’t had any serious harm done to me. There is nothing more to say to this it’s a fuzzy memory.