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I haven’t accepted I’m a rapist i know I’m one, what shall i do, please help😭

Im new to this community, never for a single day did i ever think id find myself here, i guess i was too afraid to share what was going on until the theme of my ocd had shifted to something so deeply disturbing i had the worst panic attacks of my life. Im a military veteran and this is by far the most difficult thing i have yet to overcome.

Everything seems soo sad like life was so beautiful as a small child then i turned into a teen saw the horrors of life and got stuck in that black hole ever since, 21 years old and stuck in the hole, i found meditation helps and staying away from drugs and alcohol. They say the brain declines as you age, the thoughts of war and prisons, death, and the way the human brain is so delicate scares me, i know i cant handle drugs and alcohol anymore, ive had enough relapses, oh man you guys should have seen how it took a toll on my mental health i looked like a complete schizophrenic when these things were going on, for whatever reason my brain stopped agreeing with those substances and every time i used i would experience violent images or voices in my head severe paranoia and just put in this disturbing place. COCAINE I don’t plan on going back. I just fear for myself, u know how Jesus had a life of happiness and then one day out of the blue he was beaten till the point of being unrecognizable and tortured on a cross, i feel like that, like the world is stressful and the end point is death, Sure momentarily i can have hope for the time being, ive been sober a long time now, life throws its swings, life punches and kicks, they say even Jesus was put in prison a few times leading up to that, i often wonder why the world is so cruel i mean look around you war in Hamas war in Ukraine, our troops gather and shoot and kill for fun, i overheard a sergeant telling the troops, “you will eat sleep and breath fire” , the fallen nature of man, We kill other animals to feel pleasure upon our tongues, our families grow old and die, Our presidents love to commit mass murder, its a war every day for them, the world leaders control everything and steal our money we earn all so we can dwell on their land, this life is stressful y’all, its the sad reality of life, i work on my mental health and i work for this and that all to have it tooken away from me, man you get sick all a sudden and have the flue or a worse disease like covid, i know a man who used to body build so dedicated to squatting and building his legs, few years pass and he ends up paralyzed from the waste down due to a accident at work, Our years we have are short, we were given life, make the best of it while u can, Go out to eat, go spend time with your family, express your feelings to them, Go shopping, go travel, go do something that makes you happy in a healthy way. Is there anyone who feels like me, If heaven is real i want to be there this world is miserable. Crazy to think dinosaurs dwelled here on this earth before us, Crazy to think we live somewhere in the middle of outer space, you read the letters on the screen and you feel the emotion to it, so many different languages, so divine this creation is, i do have some good times dont get me wrong, i just hate having harm ocd false memory ocd, i just hate the ending of the story, the twists and turns, you know i wish everything could be peaceful for everything that lives on this earth but as i said, its just not, right now as you read thousands of Americans are in solitary confinement in prison, with just their thoughts, no human interaction, then u have some president at the top of the world vacationing while he sends thousands of troops to destroy a city in hopes of solving his problems, I feel no freedom as an american, you can make a mistake at any point in time and then your thrown away into a cell with no books no pens just pissy floors with a bed that smells like piss, just you and your thoughts all alone, looking out that little window, even for small crime. Best to avoid all things that lead to crime now obviously, its just like, i have a family you know and i just seen to many of them die in ways that weren’t the best cancer dementia, car crash, and they leave us behind, one thing that gives me hope is “The story of garabandal “ Or things like nde experiences where people get pronounced dead for 30 minutes to an hour and they say they are floating out side of their body and they could see their body being operated on from above the table and all the sudden a light being comes and takes them to heaven and gives them life reviews and a message to take back to earth idk there is thousands of testimonies like this , some people have these experiences and say they even have seen hell, idk I do believe in God i just feel kind of lost in this world. I seek peace and love, thats all, when will the world ever know what peace and love is, are these things only possible in “heaven “. I cant wait to go. Idk Something created all this mess. I think i just want happiness, just everything i see happening on the day to day rips a black hole in my chest . Anyone feel this way ?

Am I the only one that feels immense guilt about my past? It makes me feel so alone and so lost. It always leads to me trying to com-pulse it which results in temporary relief, but it always comes back and is always in the back of my mind. It leads to me having suicidal thoughts because I can’t take the pain anymore. It feels like I’m trapped in my mind and in my thoughts and the only way to escape is through suicide. I really hate myself. I also cut myself because it relives the mental pain. I lift weights and put my body through hell running which ik isn’t healthy but it makes me feel better for some time. The thoughts tend to go away. Something about it is comforting? Idk how to explain it. I feel so messed up and alone. Just gotta keep trying and keep pushing.

Hi guys! I believe I have an OCD since I was around 12. I remember then I had a lot of intrusive thoughts about religious things and I had a counting compulsion (I thought that If I don't count to 8 in specific moments, someone gets hurt) During later years it was really changing - I stopped being religious, so the OCD theme also stopped. Then I had I reckon SOCD, harm OCD and many others. But for know my main topic is ROCD. But because of the fact that this is my main intrusive thoughts topic I start to have this awful thoughts that this is not OCD, I'm just with the wrong person and I need to accept this fact. This is really struggling for me, because i really love my bf and Im in the healthy realtionship but Im so tired of having this kind of thoughts, sometimes I cannot sleep because of them. Also the fact that I've never been diagnosed (I cannot go on theraphy right now unfortunately) is another trigger because I have thoughts that I dont really have OCD, I just making this up, because I cannot accept the truth. Is there someone with similar experiance? Or maybe someone who can have advice for me?

TW for ppl with existential or moral ocd! 🙏 So about a month ago I got a random thought in my head, “what if morality is a made up concept? what if love, compassion, goodness, kindness are all made up concepts?” Dang, those were (and are) things that were very important to me and my biggest fear was to become someone amoral! So i got anxious, and i couldn’t shake the thoughts off and the more i fought them the louder they got. I cried at school bc i didn’t want to feel that way, i felt like everything was fake and that it was all made up which scared me to no end, and i also felt like this was the end of the world, i was losing my morals, etc. like i didn’t deserve anything and i was just wanting to go back to normal. And i always feel like i have to fight the thoughts, i need to prove them wrong right now or i will believe them! And now they are mixed in with harm thoughts, checking to see certain immoral scenarios and how i react to them.. if im not disgusted enough maybe i don’t believe in morality anymore or something and i will become a bad person! Doubts flood in all the time bro idk what to do anymore but im starting therapy tmr.. Does this seem like OCD or am i going crazy? 😭 Has anyone gone through this?

I feel like giving up. Idk what to do anymore. All of these intrusive thoughts idk if they are real or not. I wouldn’t ever hurt my daughter but I feel like I can’t be a father or am capable of it anymore. I’m so down and out of it.

Today was a really bad day for intrusive thoughts. I had ones that felt really real and like I voluntarily thought them. I’m really bothered because for some reason I randomly out of the blue without any kind of trigger or anything had the intrusive thought that I could r a child in a second if I wanted to. It’s so disturbing. I was literally cleaning my bathroom. I wasn’t even thinking about children, I don’t ever sit around thinking of children. It was distressing but I rationalized that I don’t have any desire in the absolute slightest to harm a child and I never have and never will, it came out of nowhere. Then we just had dinner and at the table it happened again and then more thoughts to make it worse like “maybe I do want to.” I was at the table with my family so I was trying not to scrunch my face or show it in front of them. But I went upstairs and was really upset. But I’m worried because what if I’m not that upset and what if I voluntarily am thinking these things? I don’t feel that sinking feeling in my chest, but I’ve just told myself that I don’t have any desire in my head, heart or body to even go near a child period. I don’t want other people to. It’s literally so ridiculous that I’m even having these thoughts because it’s so inaccurate to how I feel. But why am I having these thoughts?? I feel like I’m just in denial. And I’m kind of worried that I just post on here to have people tell me what I want to hear and make me feel better. I do feel better after typing this out because I KNOW I don’t want to hurt a child. It’s so ridiculous but I feel like I’m not caring anymore. I’m hopefully getting a therapist soon, but it’s just really defeating and I feel like I’m numb to it sometimes. Literally all I do is fight these thoughts and worry if I’m just faking my emotions and faking feeling bad. I’m worried I’m just practicing feeling bad to get out of trouble when I get a therapist. But also, if that was the case, why would I have stopped doing everything in life except sitting and worrying all day? I don’t want to resume life because I’m scared to. And I don’t mean that to pity myself, I just don’t want to live with being evil and it’s so exhausting every day.

is it safe to assume that if a harm thought makes me feel anxious it’s just another intrusive one?

for the last few nights i havent been able to fall asleep easily cause i had this like tired but wired feeling. and i was googling ways to calm myself to sleep and something said it could be an early sign of psychosis. and now its got me all freaked out because my ocd is harm related so im scared it is psychosis and im gonna do something thats in my thoughts. anyone relate??

Ummmm I read this post where a girl is saying basically that “someone with intrusive thoughts about raping someone could actually rape them as a compulsion” is anyone else actually as uncomfortable as me about this? Please tell me I’m not the only one who completely disagrees with that statement? I understand this girl has ocd and I don’t think she is capable of actually doing whatever intrusive thought is happening in her brain. But c’mon… if someone who claims to have POCD actually raped a child, that is not a compulsion, that is a CHOICE, to physically HARM that CHILD. And I would seriously consider that person probably doesn’t have ocd. I believe someone with those types of thoughts/fears would never act on sexually abusing someone, I know ocd can make us do crazy things but this has really disturbed me and hoping to get some advice on how I can approach this post on NOCD?

When I enter a department store or a clothing shop and it's music playing my OCD very often is kicked off starting to follow the music, my compulsions starts repeating the suicidal content over and over again- I so much with to kill my self, again ana again- and in addition I am often in the store because I am uncomfortable with what I am wearing so in the end as I escape to the changing room I feel totally worn out, and sit down sweating and the suicidal rhythm can then follow me for the next hours, even days. It feels like I am so strange with this, but its been like this so many years- the more upbeat the music the more intense is the unwanted thoughts , I am absolutely not suicidal- so to listen every day to thoughts that says" I so much want to kill my self, go kill yourself, so much want to be shot" and so on and so on, it's terribly exhausting . Thank you a million times for this app.

Does anyone else’s harm ocd mix in demons and wondering if they are possessed or taunted by demons? It feels like this at times although I’ve chosen to accept that it’s not up to me to deliver me- but the power of God to see me through this. All I can do is take steps with ERP and my therapist. It feels like I have harm, scrupulously, and fear of losing control all rolled into 1 theme at times. I try to figure out what I did to cause all of this and why God is allowing this to happen😢

Hello everyone, It’s the first time I’m writing a post about my health condition. I’m suffering from OCD. I diagnosed about 17 years ago. It was extreme in the beginning as I didn’t know anything about it. So I went to many therapists, tried a lot of medications and it had it’s ups and downs. I am now 37 years old and the last years I take fluvoxamine and I believed I was in a good condition until 10 days ago. My main OCD intrusive thoughts were about harming myself or others and most importantly sexual thoughts. Some years ago - I really don’t remember how that started - a thought stuck into my mind that I might like men with circle beards. I know that I don’t like men and I have a girlfriend for almost 10 years now. Sometimes I also have this thought when I see someone: He is handsome, could I like him? And that causes lots of anxiety. Additionally I have an extreme anxiety about some specific numbers. So in some days from now I was about to start a new job but unfortunately the interview was on one of these dates causing me EXTREME anxiety. I tried to do every compulsion possible but it just wouldn’t work. I was worse every day, I wanted to sleep only as this was the only time that my mind wasn’t thinking. A total torture. I reached a point that I thought: I wish I die so this ends. I can’t take it anymore. To make this even worse, the father of my girlfriend had sometimes a beard like the one on my thought. So the last the worst thought was that I should avoid my girlfriend because she’s his daughter and I can’t have a relationship with her. I would be gay or something. How is it possible to think like this? I love my girlfriend so much, she’s my other half. Last days I tried to do ERP on my own, exposing myself to these fears. The first hour I felt I was free and then suddenly everything went a lot worse. So I don’t really know what to do, continue ERP or do compulsions so I would feel better? Obviously I can’t start work in a few days in this horrible condition as today I couldn’t get up from bed and I was only thinking: I want to die. I’ll be sad losing this good opportunity for work but losing my girlfriend from OCD as well will be unimaginable for me. I’m feeling hopeless right now. I’m sorry for my long post and I would like to thank everyone who reads it. I’m wishing all the best to everyone.

Hi. I get a lot of anxiety driving. My ocd likes to make me think certain things happen when they didn’t. I was driving home from work and just leaving the parking lot. Someone walked in front of my car and I didn’t see immediately but they were far enough away for me to break. Literally like 2-3 parking spots away from me. They crossed the street. I didn’t hit them. But my anxiety is making me believe that I did. I even looked in my rear view mirror and saw them walking into the store to show myself that I didn’t hit anyone. Yet I still have this anxious feeling. I know for a fact I didn’t hit anyone. It’s like I have to try to convince my brain that I didn’t. I probably sound stupid.

I have a really hard time with harm ocd. It makes me believe that I would do in the near future surely something bad… And I don’t know what to do to make me feel better. I started to sit with uncertainty and accept the presence of my thoughts but it feels like I accept the content. I’m desperate, I think that I’ll suffer all my life with that. I know that there are ups and downs but those downs are really scary, demotivating, unhopeful.

I can't tell if it's my intuition or ocd at this point. I'm praying to God not to let these voices/fears manifest into reality. I'm so scared, I feel miserable

Any advise on how to over come cannibalism thoughts. I have thought about it to much where I feel like there is no return. It made me question everything.

Hi everyone, idk what's going on anymore. I'm guilty and sad, but it feels like I'm faking it?. Also does OCD make it seem like you have a plan or idea? I'm feeling out right now I feel sad I want to cry I keep ruminating I'm scared. I'm confused on my emotions I want help please.

Today I met a good friend. I woke up with compulsive thoughts (suicidal, and I am NOT suicidal, so it's completely horrible; it takes over in every thought I am trying to think about my tasks- I am deeply sad and disturb about it, but ok- so used to it, so extremely used to it)- it's been happening every day for three decades as I at the same time been running a " normal life" so my friends find me entertaining, interesting, and they are all full of confidence in my plans, they take my sanity for granted - as I have trained myself to do- but after my cresendo in 2022 and finally breakdown January 2023 I been quite open about the diagnose I got from my doctor-I have OCD. Today I said honestly that my compulsive thoughts are more active again, and my friend, which I love and think she is wonderful- and then she suggest if I maybe have ADHD- and I answer that no, I have OCD, I have the correct diagnosis, and I an not doubting this. One of the good things in my life is that I am 100 prosent sure I have the right diagnosis- but- how to tell the truth?? My compulsions are internal ,and today I am struggling in every shift of the day, getting dresses triggers my compulsions, going to swim triggers, even if exercise helps after some minutes I have some good minutes in the water, then coming back home, starting to work on my projects that I am doing alone as I work alone, then getting dressed to meet my friend- all actions, getting dressed, getting a taxi,waiting at the restaurant, thinking about my future plans, every single thought triggers the compulsions ad if they where an Ecco, and then she arrives and I am enjoying it, but simultaneously my compulsions are Constantly in the background and they continue after we say goodbye. I go from the restaurant to my yoga studio- it's a 15 minute walk- each step I take comes with the suicidal thought: go shoot yourself, go hang yourself- arriving at the yoga- and it's so intense that I must stay flat on the floor the entire class and try to calm down my mind as I am feeling more and more afraid I will never get well, my life is over, it's getting worse and I am convinced my friend thinks I am making up my OCD. Now I came home and my significant other which I still hide 90 prosent from ask what's wrong and I start to cry, I can not tell, I feel certain he will think I am so nuts that it's not possible to live with me and as I write this I know how far fetched I am, and the fact that I write this and post it is my best moment today- because I am determined after I got my diagnosis: I want ro be completely OPEN- I refuse to drown in my shame and worry, I understand I can't help this, and I will do whatever it takes to become better abs better and rise awareness so it's possible for me to maintain my friendships, my relationship, my life. Thank you all for reading and sorry for my misspelling- I am just so greatful I came back to this app, to have somewhere to put this terrible life experiences is crucial now. Don't give up my friends with OCD! Keep going , we are getting there!