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I’ve spiraled to the lowest of rock bottom. I now have all subtypes and I do not deserve to live. I hate my mind so much. This has all happened in 3 months and all because of reassurance.

I was recently diagnosed with OCD last month, and my new psychiatrist started me on two new medications. I have not been put in any therapies yet, (talk therapy has always proved ineffective for me) but I am open to it in the future.) For the past 16 years, I’ve been living my life diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My new psychiatrist has “undiagnosed” me with those two disorders, and diagnosed me with OCD. She said my “anxiety” has actually been caused by severe untreated OCD. I particularly struggle with suicidal thoughts/ideation and have been hospitalized multiple times for severe depression episodes; including Catatonia and Existential Crises. Being treated for those other disorders my entire life (starting age 12) many of the medications they put me on always made my symptoms worse. This new revelation has caused me to experience feelings of confusion and loss of self-identity. This new diagnosis is scary to me, even if it makes so much sense. I’d appreciate any advice on navigating this time in my life. I appreciate this app finding its way to me in this time. ❤️

I just think this isn’t ocd anymore, i don’t know how to explain it very well but every since my ocd started i’ve been getting this weird sensation that i described as anxiety but i associated with the fact that i’m actually going crazy and that i’ve been faking mi whole life and i want to hurt the people i love (specifically my mom) i know i love her but i get trigger literally by everything and i’m so scared. My mind is telling me that i don’t have empathy so i’m constantly checking if i feel the way i have to when something sad happens and the thoughts are racing, i’m so tired of this it’s like i don’t know who i am anymore, i feel like i’m about to snap and hurt someone.. pls someone respond to this

I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year now, I have been having rocd like thoughts and confessing since February. There was a situation when I’d just turned 16 where I was immature and feel like I cheated and I am struggling to forgive myself and keep seeing myself as a horrible bad person, even though my boyfriend has forgiven me because it was almost 2 years ago and he knows I was just silly and immature and he said it wasn’t cheating but close and still not good. When I was 15 I was friends with a guy who I had a crush on for a few months, but he was giving mixed signals and I have autism and don’t understand things unless it’s straight forward, so I was confused on if he actually liked me or if he was jokingly being flirty for fun but was too scared to really ask. Then that August a diff guy messaged saying he liked me. This guy was acting more mature/serious, so I took it as him actually liking me. A few days later I was 16 & the second guy said he was 18. I was a little bit funny with the age gap so it was more of a “let’s wait until we are older” situationship thing. There wasn’t really boundaries set or any talk of being official/exclusive. Before I had met this second guy in August, I send lewd pictures to the first guy I had a crush on. After I met the second guy I sent lewd pictures to both guys when I knew them both. So basically after meeting the second guy and sent him lewd stuff, I also continued to send lewd stuff to the first guy. This was stupid of me, although I had no bad intent and just didn’t really think about what I was doing and didn’t have much relationship experience, it was still a stupid idea and I feel insanely guilty and like a awful person who can’t be forgived. The first guy found out about the second guy and shouted at me and made me realise maybe the first guy was actually serious but I didn’t pick up on it so talked to the second guy. After he told me off, I realised yeah that was wrong I won’t do it again, and any situationship/relationship I had after that I never did the same thing again because I realised it was wrong. Also within the same week of the first guy finding out about the second guy, I stopped being in a situationship with the second guy cause i found out he lied about his age. So I stopped talking to both of them. I always think of wanting to be a really good person in a relationship, but whenever I remember that situation despite never doing it again I’m just like ugh I did that I’m not a good person I hate cheats but my ocd is like “you cheated so ur a hypocrite u can’t say u hate cheating” I feel so horrible and guilty, I confessed it to my bf a few months ago when I was having these ocd like thoughts. Am I a bad person who shouldn’t be forgiven? Is it cheating???

Guys please I can't stop these thoughts at all. They're stopping me do so many basic things. I can't bring myself to take part in practical lab experiments at school which I need for a pass mark. I just can't do it because of the stupid harm thoughts. I can't let myself enjoy anything either, I got some mock exams back and I did really well all As/A*s even whilst I sat them when I wasn't okay at all. I should be so proud but I can't help but use these results as proof that I'm not really sick and I'm just faking it and having the bad things come to me when they're useful like missing the practicals and other things. I've gotten so distressed by these thoughts as of late I turned to actually hitting my head against a wall to get rid of them and I don't know how to bring this up to therapist bc it sounds absolutely mad but it was the only thing i could think to do to get rid of these.

It’s been 4 years since I started becoming so concerned about my heart rate and how I breathe. When it first started, I didn’t know what was happening. I thought it was asthma - I couldn’t take full breaths, my chest felt so heavy, I would get lighthearted, my pulse felt so low. After tons of medical tests, I discovered it was just anxiety and honestly I felt worse about that because it wasn’t just gonna go away. I have tried meds, cutting out caffeine, sleeping in certain positions, relaxation techniques. Nowadays, I usually fall asleep with my fingers on my neck so I can feel my pulse when I go to sleep (which is probably a compulsion and I should stop doing it but how do you stop doing something that makes you feel like you can breathe?). It gets in the way of my life dramatically - I get lightheaded at the gym, it keeps me up at night, it’s hard doing roadtrips and being in the car, I feel like I’ll randomly pass out at the grocery store. There are things I do that exacerbate it like drinking coffee but I love coffee and I just want to feel like a normal human being and do things that I enjoy. I’m saddened that through everything, it always comes back and I’m just so tired of it.

i feel like im such a burden to my partner with my ocd. ive never been sure abt my ocd and my gender, its all very fluid which im okay with but it still freaks me out because it'll be stagnant for months and then all of the sudden it'll change. this is complicating my relationship i feel like and i feel so so horrible because i said something that was meant to be flirty but hurt him instead. i feel like im so so bad for him and i get so scared he wont love me anymore or he thinks i dont love him anymore

I swore I wasn't going to tell anyone this or even try to post about it but lately it been feeling like I have just been fighting with myself. I remember when I was a %100 sure that I wasn't the type of person to be creep twords anybody but now im so unsure, like one min I would know im not attracted to kids then the next I have to constantly ask myself if I am and even that I still wouldn't be sure or think I do want that. Imagies and thoughts would keep popping up in my mind and it feels like a boxing ring trying to just fix them, I remember when I would scream and cry to these thoughts and feelings but now I just feel numb.. it feels like my morals have been switched and im just in denial about me not being a pedo. I obviously dont want to be a pedophile but now it feels like thats just what I am now and there will be nothing to ever change that part of me.

Since some months ago, I've been dealing with intrusive thoughts, rumination and stress to the extreme, not letting me enjoy my life. It is not the first time that something like this happens. I had HOCD 5 years ago, and somehow after a year it stopped, but some months ago it came back, not only that HOCD, but new ones have appeared. It was always like this, there was an intrusive thought about losing control and doing or thinking things that I don't like triggered by random and inofensive events and then I would start ruminating and checking 24/7 for weeks. The worst part is that because of college I don't have time to talk loudly about my thoughts alone as I would like, so they keep persisting while other appears While my HOCD is less invasive now. Other OCDs have taken the spotlight, like fearing about becaming a conspiracionist who denies science. This one derived to another about losing my interest in dinosaurs which are my passion, I know maybe it sound stupid, but it was so real, it was seeing a Dino and don't be able to enjoy it, becaming stressed or not feeling joy like before...And well I should have things clear before it is too late if I wanna pursue my dream of becoming a paleontologist. Also, I had recently one OCD about "society influence in the world", like, I felt that since culture molds our values I wasn't being myself and that I had a "bad inner nature" althought I like helping people and I have always tried to be kind with all people. This derived in being scared about being bad for the sake of "being my trueself" and losing my empathy just because thinking about this Could anyone give me advice???

I’ve had some traumatic experiences with my fiancée whom I love very much, although this was earlier in the relationship. He moved out too soon and struggled for months to get a job. I had to pay his rent several times and help him with other expenses as well. I became obsessed with helping him find a job, and making sure he was okay. He struggled severely as well with anxiety. He has a job now, although he is not through the probation period and he hates working nights and wants to switch back to day or find another job. In the meantime he’s also learning how to budget his own money. Suddenly he’s not so helpless, and yet I find myself unable to believe he can take care of himself or that I can trust him to keep a job or pay his own bills since it was such a long period of time beforehand. He has every intention of becoming wise and independent, and reassured me of this constantly, but my intrusive thoughts attack me and I find myself unable to relax or focus, and my love for him or anything becomes suffocated. He encouraged me to do some research and that’s how I found this app. I’m afraid but I also desperately want to change. Thank you for reading ❤️

Hello I am new to this but I have this intense huge fear of developing or becoming slowly schizophrenia. I have a parent who had it and every since then I fear I will meet the same fate and I want the thoughts to stop I have ADHD and GAD and some depression lately and all that fuels my fears cause I don’t understand all my disorders but I question my reality and it scares me I feel blank at time and I feel scared all the time with what ifs playing over and over and then I get stuck look for reassurance and certainty that I am ok. I have three boys and one has autism who self harms and when I try to sleep I fear I will believe my dreams are real and loosing my mind and my reality and my anxiety goes up more. I don’t know what to do and there are no specialist near me that can help and I can’t afford anything and this app doesn’t accept my insurance I really want to feel better and not be stuck isolated and scared to leave for fear I will show signs in front of people and not realize when I will be gone from reality I wanna cry everyday and I feel like I need to run away. Can someone please tell me I am not alone. And the more I read about it the more I get confused or believe I have those things. I am scared help 🥺

Does anyone else deal with rocd that latches onto partners morals/different opinions? Me and my bf talk about social issues/opinions and what we would do in situations on call sometimes and in some areas we agree, but a lot of things we have different opinions. My ocd treats it like MY opinion is right because it’s the most common opinion I see on the internet and if my boyfriend has a different view/ doesn’t see things as big of an issue as I do or vice versa my ocd tells me “you need to overthink about this he might be a bad person he has a bad view!!!!” Like one thing is that he believes you can joke about but not hate a certain community, like for example, he makes gay jokes that could possibly be offensive to some, when actually he does not care if someone is lgbtq+ or not, he will treat them like anyone else and be friends with them, he just makes little jokes now and then. He will have stronger views than me with some things and something I think is serious, he won’t think is serious and my ocd does NOT like this 😭 it tells me my bf has to have the exact same views and morals as me or he’s a bad person

Hi. Welcome to story time. Back in 2019 (wow, long time ago) was the first time a doctor first mentioned the possibility of me having OCD. I was 19 back then. During childhood, my mom would call me “impressionable”. Anything could trigger me into a spiral of crippling fears, and I had rituals to try to escape them. At 13, I started picking at my skin. It was mainly about need for perfection, and when I felt I couldn’t achieve it, I hurt myself. I had bad acne that triggered me into picking a lot, and even worse things, like I needed to expunge the “imperfection” out of me. Doctors never took it seriously. They wouldn’t even treat my acne because they’d say my problem was only my habit of hurting myself, but then they’d send me off with a “just stop doing it”. I never stopped. I hated myself. I hated myself for how much I felt things, so uncontrollably in a highly sensitive and even irrational way. I’d pick at my skin for hours on end all throughout my teenage years. At 19, a neurologist casually mentioned to me that skin picking could be related to OCD. The ground seemed to shift beneath my feet. He sent me off with antidepressants after 10 minutes of appointment at best. I was just left with this piece of information and no guideline at all, no afterthought about how that might affect other pieces of my life. I found this app and started engaging myself in every discussion trying to piece together what I really had and what was going on. Ironically, anything OCD related became my obsession. Then I went to a psychiatrist, and he brushed it off saying I only had bad anxiety. A really shitty therapist I was seeing at the time told me very rudely that I was only trying to justify my bad actions by blaming them on a possible disease. So I told myself to forget all about that previous nonchalant and catastrophic diagnosis, but still took my meds and went on. All was fine for a while, until it wasn’t. Because things never truly went away. I still couldn’t understand why I reacted to things the way I did, and how to make it better. I then started thinking I might have ADD – grasping onto anything that might explain my chronic procrastination, getting stuck in my head so intensely that I block everything out, and my need to move my hands (essentially picking at my skin). At this point, I’d been to other four psychiatrists. One of them only listened to me for like 5 minutes then told me I was really exaggerating and took me off my meds. I went through a really dark hole. After a while I got to another one, he listened intently, and finished it off with “I don’t believe in diagnosing people but you seem to be going through it”, and gave me another prescription. The third one followed that same line, but asked me to consult with a neuropsychologist. So there I went. 10 stupidly expensive sessions later, she tells me I’m too depressed for her to really assess if my lack of attention is really ADD. But, yeah, the tests indicate severe OCD. I thought it was funny at first – I mean, too depressed for a diagnosis, I guess –, then I was relieved. Ok, so it wasn’t all in my head. Then I was pissed. So, so pissed. Because for years and years on end no one had the guts to tell me what I’m convinced was very obvious to any trained medic. I mean, except for that first guy, who said it in a way that made it feel like he was telling me I had cancer then sending me off with some aspirins without even saying where the tumor was. For years, I’ve had so much pressure, from others and myself. That I could make myself less miserable, I just didn’t! Just stop hurting yourself, how hard can that be? Just stop obsessing over every little thing. For god’s sake, don’t apply enough insect repellent to get intoxicated or worry about every little bug around you until you’re unable to do anything except trying to get rid of them, what’s wrong with you? Just let go, be happy! Not to mention the crippling, ever-present GUILT for not being able to do so. For years. And even now, the doctor just told me the fact and sent me off. She never tried to discuss with me what part of my habits, feelings and thoughts might be OCD related, to the point where I still feel like I made it all up and one thing has nothing to do with another. Some part of me is relieved – there’s a reason for all of this. It takes me closer to embracing myself. Another part still feels like I was ditched in a dead end with no directions out. I have no idea what “type” of OCD I have and how to figure it out, and no one seems to care enough to try and help me understand. This was long and angsty, so thank you so much if you took the time to read my senseless rambling. Just desperately felt like I needed to share ♥️

Hi guys I just shared my story recently and I’m scared. When I keep busy it’s a little better, but I feel really awful right now. I’m remembering what I said to my sister during our fallout from what I did and the result of it. Is making me really sad and scared. I found out she is also joining NOCD so I’m a little worried she will see my post and I realized I never said my “intrusive” thoughts were not true. What if she thinks I meant all of them, I don’t think a lot or even everything I said to her was even true it was practically all false and untrue intrusive thoughts but I can’t seem to totally trust myself on it since I feel like I’m just saying it because she might see this, but also I’ve been wanting to tell her it wasn’t true what I said and did. I feel a relapsing of emotions I want to go back and change it I hate my reality it’s good but I’m constantly reminded of what I did and I feel sick. How does one live with this change and move on when the person you love the most you push off the edge and now she drew boundary off of our relationship it is getting a bit better but it’s nothing like before we were so close we shared and told each other everything, I feel like I want to die and come back to everything back in the past to be different. How do I live like this…. She is doing it and I know it’s really hard and I know I’m victimizing myself but I wonder if I was even doing my best I wasn’t working on my techniques because I felt it didn’t work and I let go but I didn’t realize how bad it could be I mean that’s why I went back to therapy but even then I wasn’t working completely on it despite feeling like I did sorta. Was I doing the best I could then? I hope so but if that was my bets I feel like a loser. how do I go through my day and be excited for life when I feel so distraught and depressed. I need help so bad.

Hi everyone! I was recently diagnosed with OCD after realizing my anxiety wasn’t generalized and learning that compulsions aren’t always visual/physical. I’m curious what compulsions you have/had that you didn’t realize were compulsions until you were diagnosed? For example, learning about rumination, reassurance seeking, and picking at skin as compulsions has been really eye-opening to me!

ive realized throughout my entire life ive had ocd symptoms. all of my fixative rituals, things like my fear of upsetting anyone ever, always keeping internet tabs open, missing and obsessing over the same people after they left my life and never being able to feel closure, my recursive fear of everyone i love betraying me, the paranoia i have about my girlfriend, every single thing i've experienced was a result of obsessive thought patterns and rumination. i don't understand how i never hit the nail on the head earlier. i really hope this means i can finally find a way out. i'm tired of my periods of being better just being management, of never truly feeling safe, of obsessing over people who hurt me and their words. i'm tired of being haunted by ghosts and obsessing over everything that reminds me of them. i want to be able to take my phone off do not disturb. i want to love my girlfriend without being afraid. i want to feel safe around my friends. i want to not have to be obsessed with something to survive. i hope that figuring this out means there's a new path for me. i hope i can learn not to focus on my fears and doubts. i can't remember a time where i wasn't haunted by them.

My rocd has been going on for almost 6 months now. I always have something new to worry/ruminate about every day whether it’s an old mistake my partner made or something new he said that triggered rumination, also some things I feel I need to confess. It isn’t just “sometimes” where it happens where I let it all out to my partner, it’s every single day we message/call I’m seeking reassurance from him or asking him 10000 questions, a lot of what I’ve already asked 10 times in the past and it ruins his mood. I have noticed I feel drained every day and some days numb/not much emotion with my partner? ( only since I’ve been having rocd spiral) I love him and he is perfect for me is it possibly just because of the amount of stress in dealing with is absolutely tiring me? He also said he is a bit less excited to call/message because of how I instantly seek reassurance and ask questions every single day for hours and it’s never a normal fun call. He said he knows he will get better if I get better and learn not to reassurance seek. He has been trying to find ways to cope with the stress like constantly gaming. Anyone else been in this situation where both sides feel drained/ a bit less happy? Does the happiness return once the person with ocd is learning to improve? Is it understandable that he is stressed/less exited to call?

2 moths ago I blew up and spilled all my intrusive thoughts into my family and broke my relationship with my older sister. of my 19 years of life it has never been this bad of a relationship with my sister never and we were two peas in a pod before super duper close confiding in everything in each other and now I broke her heart, trust and reliability in me she now has to go to therapy and she has ptsd from what I said and did: I regret everything and each day I am haunted by what I did, what could have been and for not being able to regulate. I went to therapy for a year and a bit more a year ago (for anxiety, change difficulty and high functioning on autism spectrum didn’t know I had ocd at the time) which helped tremendously but then because I got better I stopped taking it seriously and did not work on my techniques and did not ask to go back to therapy. Then I blamed every life decision and intrusive thoughts onto my family and said many things I wish I did not. The conversation started and stemmed from simple topic of deciding on an invite from a friend the night before but I put on intrusive spin on it and it stated my downfall of thoughts and my indecisiveness. I talked to my sister then my whole family then proceeded the following days I still put blamed and terrible thoughts and distrust onto my family who cares and changed our dynamics entirely. I said so many hurtful things and did not heed warnings just because I couldn’t sit with my thoughts and emotions. And because I didn’t realize the consequences or feel remorse at the time even though I was warned. Now I do and god it hurts like hell on earth. I also said a bunch of things about my entire past so my sister found out every supposed truth or honest thing I said to her was not so. She really liked how honest and open I was but now she found out everything was a “lie” and that I felt/thought so many bad ways about her and my family. Complete 360* she said she feels like she doesn’t know who I am anymore and I don’t either. Now I am left picking up the pieces and am distraught with my reality I kept on repeating trying to relive the misery with talking to my family but now I realize it no good as I’ve been told repeatedly so I should stop and at least here I could release it healthily and ask if anyone has every done the same and if there is hope for putting back all the pieces again. I don’t wish anyone to have to go through the same things I did but if there is someone out there like me I could really use some home right about now. Because now I haven’t really been in touch with my sister at all for moths despite living in the same house and she put me away on her socials which she told me she would if I kept on pushing back on our relationship and now complete social media connection is practically gone and her life practically as well as she is trying to heal and protect herself from me. I am sad, I am scared, I regret. And I didn’t want to work on myself because I believe I could return to the past and change it and it will all be better again. Help and redemption I hope to gain through NOCD and now I know I have OCD from my second diagnosis from today I wish I figured all this out sooner and worked on my therapy as well. (_ _).｡o○ʕ⁎̯͡⁎ʔ༄

On social media I will be scrolling and suddenly I see a post like “if your partner does this, leave!” “If they do this you deserve better” “this is a sign they aren’t loyal!” “If they’ve lied you can never trust them!” And if my partner has done something “bad” mentioned in a video I get sent into the worst searching spirals :( they can go on for hours. Also seeing people commenting agreeing with the post/sharing their experiences in comments is very triggering and I can ruminate/replay the video/comments in my head for hours or even days. Like I see so many people agreeing that a certain “flaw/red flag” that my partner has is bad and “worth leaving over” that I get convinced that my partner is a bad person and start asking him a million questions and end up ruining his mood.

Went to a smoothie shop for my ERP today. I expected it to go well. But the noise was too much 😞it took me like 30 minutes to reach a calm-ish state. But even being back at home now my intrusive thoughts are so loud and I feel discouraged and very panicky and fearful. I’m so disappointed in myself and I’m afraid I’m going backwards . This is so hard