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Im looking at youtube videos, I see a little girl that is pretty. So ofcourse my ocd attacks me and I say she's hot to myself even though I don't think that. I start getting anxiety and feel depressed. Why?

I feel like there has to be someone out there that relates in someway that the past few months since my OCD got extremely bad again. I had it when I was 17 but it didn’t last long it completely faded and I totally forgot about it even happening. But it started up again back in March and I noticed that I’ve been kind of creating these thoughts to see reactions and similarities to people that are actually the p word. It’s like I’m constantly trying to prove myself wrong. Feel like I’m constantly trying to prove myself that I’m just a p in denial. I feel like no matter how many times I try to sit with uncertainty or try to reassure myself. This is not who I am. A part of me truly believes that that is just who I am and I have been lying to myself and others, and it makes me extremely, depressed and frustrated. hoping someone else can understand where I’m coming from in someway. I just find myself constantly convincing myself that I’m just a p in denial and I even come up with reasons why in my head can OCD make you truly believe something? Making you feel like you just have completely changed.

It hurts I hurt a lot of people and the guilt is killing me like actually eating me alive and I can’t even get help my parents are kinda abusive and don’t want me going to therapy cause their afraid they or I will go to jail but I idk if I can go on When I started highschool at 14(currently 15 rn) I had a weird mentality that everything was sexual and that I could date anyone by just telling them I liked them and being honestly creepy. Idk what’s wrong with me I feel so weird like I don’t have crushes it’s just me wanting to have sx with people I find attractive and it’s so horrible. But before I realized how bad this was I hurt people I had 4 friends they all don’t talk to me anymore because I was so sexual with everything I made sexual jokes made everything sexual and just sexualized myself at every turn even when they told me to stop I wouldn’t listen. It’s sick. When I realized this was wrong it was too late. One of them stopped talking to me and doesn’t even want to look at me or wants me saying his name.and one of them says they don’t care but idk I think they do.and I was honestly in a horrible mental state and tried a few times and my other friend had enough of it and just stopped talking to me. I have a best friend who I met online she was so nice to me we used to date but we broke up. And we get close but I betrayed her trust when I sent her explicit butt pics to this 17yr old I wanted pics from and he said he wouldn’t mind me sending them (my best friend was 15) and I was begging this 17yr old for pictures when he declined a lot then the 17 yr old said he was manipulating me and how he was keeping me in a loop of mystery. My best friend found out about the picture thing and she was sick but forgave me cause she didn’t want me self harming IMFEEL sick because of that she put my feelings above hers when I was in the wrong and she said she doesn’t want to lose me as a friend but idk she said she forgives me cauee she knows I’m broken ig but that makes me feel worse. And I also begged this 16 yr old for pics when I was either 13/14 and I feel sick I begged for pics when he declined but my best friend says not to feel bad cause he was grooming her kinda but idk I wanan apologize to him. Lately I’ve been thinking of how I think I s@d someone from my school someone I one or my baby cousins or my little brother and it feels real like it happened and I feel like a pedo and a s*x offender and Ik no one can forgive me idk if I want to go on it feels like death is the only way to atone for what I did . When I told my 4th friend about why my other friends don’t talk to me anymore he didn’t respond I think that cemented how bad I really am how sick I am I’m no different than a child pred or sx offender. My parents don’t even like me they always remind me how I treat them bad or how I’m a bad person. I feel horrible. Maybe I should just be locked up

I feel like shit absolute shit for months and idk how to tell anyone because my intrusive thoughts are about stuff like flr example today I was in class and I was like I wish and then my brain said I wish I could rape a dead baby but like obviously I don’t want that and it’s really made me sad cause like what if I’m a rapist

In addition to my pocd / false memory OCD situation, I feel like Im going to pass away with no friends, no girlfriend, and no family. I have no one who loves me. And Im going to pass away alone. I slowly have to accept that. Theres nothing I can do except live out my life, not knowing if my worst fears have come true or not, and slowly wither away while everyone moves on with their lives and forgets my name. Im unloved, alone, and miserable. Thats who I am. The end.

My mom has let my little brother have a phone since he was like 4 and he’s exposed to literally disgusting videos on YouTube and TikTok and I’ve told my mom multiple times he’s watching inappropriate shit and she’s constantly just like “I’ll tell him not to give him back his phone” and it makes me feel disgusted. He doesn’t know better and he doesn’t listen to her he’s 7 right now and today he told me he searched up “naked people” on YouTube and TikTok and I told my mom AGAIN that he was doing this stuff and I took his phone away from him and I told her I’m not giving it back to him and alls she told him was “demons are gonna come into his life if he looks at that stuff” and then she forced me to give him his phone back and literally said she was gonna slap me and take my phone away if I didn’t give it back to him so now I’m not talking to her, I feel complete disgust towards her in this situation and thinks she’s handling it horribly ESPECIALLY because she knows I’ve been groomed and shown horrible things by people on the internet at a young age as well so you’d think she’s do everything in her power to prevent it but it seems like she just doesn’t fucking care and it’s making me so mad. My brother constantly says and does inappropriate things and I’m not mad at him because once again he’s 7 and he doesn’t know any better but it makes me so uncomfortable and it triggers my POCD horribly and I genuinely don’t know what to do at this point?? I’ve tried everything in my power to take his phone away and get him away from this stuff but my mom Just doesn’t seem to care or give a shit. My POCD tells me I’m “letting him watch it” and that I’m a groomer and this horrible person and it makes me feel Sick I’ve done everything I can I’ve tried to block the videos delete the searches filter it delete it and everything and it still always ends up coming back I don’t know what to do I feel sick knowing that I’m completely helpless in this situation I don’t want my brother to go through what I went through just please someone offer advice or help me the best they can with this I’m genuinely terrified

TW (SEXUAL TRAUMA AND FIGHTING AGAINST SU1CID4L THOUGHTS) My POCD hit me hard with a relapse and my brain will not shut up about if I need to delete myself. I don't want to, but my brain is telling me I should, that no pedo, offending or not should live. I don't want to do it to my friends and family. I just wish I could feel relief from all this guilt. It hurts so bad. I don't want to die, I didn't ask for this even if it wasn't OCD. I feel terrible and like if I try to be okay and not condemn myself for these thoughts that I'm throwing away my morality. I have kinks and fetishes that are related to my traumatic childhood, I don't want these fetishes and kinks, but I know I like them. OCD latched on and demanded to know if I would want to watch something worse, something illegal, if I am a pedo because of how my sexuality was twisted and broken at that age. I talked with a sexual trauma informed therapist and explained everything and she said that she didn't think I was a danger or that what I liked was wrong or dangerous. She said it was probably my brain trying to make sense of what happened and cope by giving me control back. Still my OCD is operating in black and white, pure or evil. The fact my kinks are too close to something amoral, illegal and bad that I basically am that horrible bad person. That the only thing holding me back is my OCD and without the condemnation and panic, I'd go feral and hurt someone, an animal or a child. I don't want to hurt ANYONE. God forbid like that. I hate how my sexuality has been damaged. I'm actually terrified of sex, I can't even put a tampon in without crying. I still feel so guilty finding the things I do attractive and am scared I'll find other things attractive that are actually bad. My OCD is demanding to know if I deserve to live. And I want to live, i don't want to die. But my OCD says I deserve it and that I'm evil. It won't shut up. I just want to be pure again even though that's not true and a social construct. I feel guilty and worried anyone who knew about what I like would think I deserved the worst punishment in history. I just needed to vent this out. For the record I am NOT going to delete myself. I won't. My OCD is trying to make me give it an answer as to why I deserve to live.

Tw???! I started thinking about a time where I said that I wanted to or wondered of I would date a certain character that was a villian but he looked and acted like a kid and basically is a KID but I was so confused and scared but when I said that type of thing for whatever I said people like the fans said things like “Isn't that a child?!” or “that’s a child” and something like that. And now I feel like I'm a horrible person and even then I felt so ashamed and embarrassed that I actually said that or whatever I said. I deleted it and everything and I don't want to be seen that way I don't want to become like that but it still haunts me. I think I actually did want to date the character but I’m literally NOT physically attracted AT ALL to the character physically with his form or disguise if you want to know which character it’s pride from the anime fmab. I don’t know why it suddenly still scares me. Even though that’s not me. Like I know it made me sound like a creep or weirdo but I genuinely feel guilty and like I did something terrible!! But I didn’t I just basically shared a thought that I shouldn’t have shared. So I guess that’s why I also now feel like if I do or don’t have ocd. I mean I always feel disgusted and ashamed if I get intrusive thoughts like this and I do feel disgusted and ashamed it doesn’t matter if the kid is fictional or real I still feel disgusted and ashamed I want to throw up or trap myself in my attic or turn myself in just because of this now I can’t roleplay with a character like this or act I also do theatre so it’s been even hard for me too do anything because of this. I can’t even get to a psychiatrist and that’s why while I’m waiting to get into one I’m still dwelling on this😭 This scares me so fucking bad. Please help me.

Im so depressed... and I feel alone... theres no hope... My pocd keeps saying that my worst fear of unknowingly cybering with a minor has actually happened and it's really triggering the hell out of me... I feel so horrible...My pocd keeps saying I "unknowingly erotically role played with a minor" when idek if this actually happened or not... this was nearly three years ago... (september of 2021) for context we were erotically role playing on an 18+ discord server, (she wasnt verified, but I assumed she was 18+ because we were on an 18+ place) and then she suddenly stopped responding, before leaving the server shortly after an unknown time... im so freaking anxious and scared... her grammar was fine at first, but then as we were going on, she kept making errors like "boxer" or "then" instead of "than"... my pocd keeps saying that I "UNKNOWINGLY EROTICALLY ROLEPLAYED WITH A MINOR" when idek if this happened or not... some people told me she sounds like/is a young adult... chatGPT tells me she sounded like a teenager... I genuinely dont know what to believe anymore... (these two photos are from her account, and the beginning of our ERP... I hope she wasnt a teenager... I really hope she wasnt...)

i think i'm past the point of no return. I can't possibly justify what happened this time. I tested for attraction and I imagined a scenario and I think that I felt attraction or that I found it attractive. I can't tolerate this. I don't know what to do. I feel that this time was undeniable. I felt an immediate spike of anxiety.

Everything feels so real. I think learning about non-offending pedophiles has really screwed with me. I feel like I’m not even doing compulsions anymore like I genuinely cannot remember if I do them or not and the groinal responses are messing with me. I keep having intrusive dreams and I’m in that half asleep state and I feel nothing after that or I feel weird like a good weird, I don’t know. It’s a really weird feeling when I get those thoughts but I don’t like them, I don’t think. All I know is, I keep seeking reassurance and I feel like I don’t have OCD because the way I feel, like the way I get worked up isn’t the same as others. Whenever I try to watch a show, like 9-1-1 or daily dose of sunshine, I feel like I’m watching something I shouldn’t be. Or if I’m just on my phone, I feel like something is going to happen. I feel red flags whenever I’m on my phone, like somehow cp will appear. I know that OCD is the doubting disorder but my god, this is just crazy. I feel like I’m going crazy. Everything is just nonstop, it’s so constant and I’m genuinely scared that I’ll do something when I get out of my room. I don’t know anymore, this whole OCD thing is just making me lose my mind.

I’m crying so hard as I write this. but my girlfriend of 9 months, just broke up with me. I feel so numb right now, I should feel pain …I should feel misery, but I feel numb. Like I have no emotions. I feel alone, I used to tell her about my POCD problems and always seemed validation from her, and because I talked so much about it, she left me because of it, I just hate myself so badly right now, I don’t even want to look at myself in the mirror, I can’t stand it right right now, I can’t stand my reflection. I feel too angry to look at myself. I feel so so angry and upset, why did she have to say goodbye so dry and short like that? Did she never care about me? I don’t understand what I did wrong… I feel even more alone than I was before, it all happened too quick…now I’m not sure what I can even do anymore.. I just don’t know what to do with my life anymore…. We planned so much together, now I know nothing. I regret talking about my problem so much. I don’t even know what to say anymore. No amount amount of anything will make me feel better. I just want to isolate myself right now…. I bought so many things for her, that I now have to throw away… I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I can’t stand myself right now. I don’t feel like talking to my family. I don’t feel like talking to my friends. I honestly just wanna be alone for a long time… I just want isolate myself. I don’t want anyone to talk to me… I don’t want anyone to look at me… I feel so lost.

I'm so afraid of thinking something inappropriate around family and friends that I overthink everything I think. I've been dealing with this for months and I thought I had learned how to deal with it, but I feel so suffocated. Right now I really can't breathe. I don't know what to do, I talk to people in this community but I still feel so alone.

I don’t expect anyone to give me any reassurance that I’m a good person, because I doubt it heavily now. I don’t want to fight anymore, I can’t do it. I’m a bad person. I can’t see the light anymore I don’t think I can get better from this anymore, I think I’m gonna give up, I’m actually gonna give up, this is actually really bad that I did this, this is my proof I’m a bad person, I thought about it so I just can’t. basically I saw a a picture of 12 year old boy, and I kept testing how I felt, now I don’t know why I did this cause I know it’s wrong, meaning not good, but basically my brain was like “do you think he’s handsome” and I said “maybe I don’t know, I don’t think he’s handsome. He might be” and oh my god I can’t believe I said something like this, I know some will say “oh it might be intrusive” but I can’t anymore. I feel like I’m done. I don’t even know what kind of handsome I meant, all I know is that I was NOT trying to be disgusting in any shape or form but I can’t stand it, I can’t do this anymore

Okay, so I was exposed to porn at 9. My older cousin came over to the house and asked if I could keep a secret and stuff and then he showed me porn. I got addicted to it ngl. I would watch it whenever I could and would always think about it when I wasn’t home. Because of this, I started reading mangas on this one website and I was still in elementary school when I started reading these I think, either that or middle school. Anyways, there was this one about these kids who did it and I was like oh I’m the same age as them and all that you know so I didn’t think much of it. I would still read it up to when I was in high school but I wouldn’t like read it often, I would just read it because I was familiar with it and it felt like I was still their age for some reason, like I didn’t see them as kids you know, it felt like they were my age. Oh my god, that makes it sound even worse. When my POCD started, I stopped reading that story because I was it terrified me so a little before I turned 18. I keep going back and forth on whether or not I’m actually a pedophile or not. I don’t know if it’s because I was exposed to that stuff so early and my cousin would constantly talk about sex when he was with me. I thought it was so normal to be reading and looking at that stuff. I didn’t realize. I’m scared that my nephews are going to be exposed to that so early like I was. My POCD mostly targets my nephews and now I’m scared that I’ll do the same thing to them and show them that stuff (I never will) or that I genuinely do like that stuff. I feel like throwing up while writing this. I just don’t want to be one. I’m sorry if this triggers you or if this seems like I’m seeking reassurance and maybe I am. I genuinely don’t know right now. I think I just needed to get this off my chest because I’ve been worrying about it for awhile.

Ever since I was a child, I think around 8 years old, I get these flare ups. I had a fear that I would kill people. I would get so depressed and feel sick to my stomach. I never told anyone for fear that I was crazy. After about 2 weeks or a month, I would start to feel better. Usually something really exciting happening would kick me out of this funk. I went through I really bad episode my first year of college. I finally told my mom and went to see a general doctor. He prescribed me Zoloft 75mg and called it anxiety and depression. Over the years I would have random flair ups but I was usually able to manage them really well and they would go away in a few days. I had my second child in October 2022. At about 3 months postpartum, I had a horrible flair up. Not only was I afraid of harm, I was also now afraid of developing psychosis. I saw my ObGyn and she was asking if I heard voices or if my children looked like animals to me, which further triggered me. I went up on my Zoloft to 150mg and felt better but still always just felt a little lingering under the surface. Now when my daughter turned 1, I had another huge flair up. I finally saw a psychiatrist he said I had an I’m unspecified anxiety disorder with obsessive components but didn’t mean the ocd criteria. We decided to try Prozac. That make me feel so out of it, so we tried Lexapro. Lexapro also gave me horrible anxiety. So, I ended up switching back to Zoloft and have felt better but, like before I still don’t feel all the way better. I started seeing a therapist and she diagnosed me with OCD. So this past week, I have been having what I though was a flair up. Intrusive thoughts about possession and demons/ psychosis. I am afraid to look at my kids for fear that they will look “animal like.” Thoughts pop into my head whenever I see my daughter spacing out or making a strange face or noise and I just say “demon” in my head or “maybe she’s possess” and I fully freak out. I go online to see if this is just a theme of OCD to calm myself down. I just saw a new nurse practitioner psychiatrist (not sure what it’s actually called) and she started talking antipsychotics or inpatient treatment. This obviously sent my anxiety through the roof. I was bawling. She also said an anxiety diagnosis doesn’t fit. And she was saying that psychosis is unlikely but she can’t rule it out. She was thinking severe anxiety. I am at a complete loss. I don’t even know what to think anymore. I feel like shit and I am beyond depressed over this. It feels like I’ll never get better. Any thoughts or recommendations or even stories would be so helpful. Thanks for reading ❤️

I keep feeling like I would find these things attractive and I keep catching myself thinking about it and agreeing with it and being like “yeah I would, oooh” and I’m like what the hell just happened??? Why does that happen?? I was so sure I wouldn’t do that but now I’m afraid All I know is I never be aware that they’re a kid till it’s too late, but at the same time I feel like I am aware that it is

So today was great I went out and had a good time went to the mall and just chilled for a bit. Then went to see my friends and I decided to tell them what I go through on a daily basis with OCD and they excepted me with open arms. But I do feel that stuff might change but it was progress and I'm proud of myself I just couldn't keep it in anymore and I did it. I hope anyone going through any type of OCD is able to tell friends and family and hopes of more positive outlook. I'm proud each and every one of us who is going through this. Love yall

Hello, I want to share my ocd story as I’m struggling with it severely right now. I was a very anxious child, when I was nine I started to have intrusive thoughts/fear/theme that I was somehow “pregnant”. Now this was concerning because I was nine..and a virgin CLEARLY. I hadn’t even gotten my period. The reason this scared me so much is that because i was a virgin, I was afraid if I was pregnant and the baby came, no one would believe me and everyone would hate me. When I was 13 this soon transitioned to being the same fear only this time because I had my period I was afraid that I either got gr@ped in my sleep, or somehow sp3rm was on the toilet seat and it well yk. However, none of this made any sense and I made myself sick worrying about it. My ocd would take a turn when I developed emotophobia, the intense fear of vomit and vomiting and so alot of my intrusive thoughts regarded vomit. As I got older they would switch and I was ALWAYS under some sort of stress. That’s when things got worse, I’m also diagnosed with anxiety so all the therapists were just treating me for anxiety but the main cause of this anxiety despite other things, is my ocd. I started to have “religious” ocd, as I consider myself a Christian and it’s a big part of my life, doing compulsions like “read that verse again, you messed up” ect. Which consumed a lot of my life. Here’s where things get hard to talk about, I started having what they call moral ocd? I was at least 15? And I thought my life was over, now the thing is when I was a kid I was messed with once, which gave me a lot of anxiety over the years and I didn’t end up telling anyone till I was older, I thought it was my fault. So I know that I would never, ever want somebody else to go through something so horrific. This fear eventually subsided, until this past year. When I was sixteen, my boyfriend sa’d me and I didn’t really have time to realize what had happened. We broke up right after which hurt a lot but I was relieved. Ever since then I was always very cautious about people, I knew what that felt like, so much shame, and not feeling like you can do anything about it. Eventually I started to get that moral ocd back, things like “what if I’m attracted to so and so” a family member ect. This would repulse me. I also watched a lot of true crime which didn’t help anything, this caused me to develop pocd/moral ocd. Now, I feel trapped I feel like I’m not at all what my intrusive thoughts say, I would never do them, and I want to isolate from EVERYONE. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I feel ashamed like God is ashamed of me and I have just cried and cried. I really need some encouragement or at least advice.

Im so depressed... and I feel alone... theres no hope... My pocd keeps saying that my worst fear of unknowingly cybering with a minor has actually happened and it's really triggering the hell out of me... I feel so horrible...My pocd keeps saying I "unknowingly erotically role played with a minor" when idek if this actually happened or not... this was nearly three years ago... (september of 2021) for context we were erotically role playing on an 18+ discord server, (she wasnt verified, but I assumed she was 18+ because we were on an 18+ place) and then she suddenly stopped responding, before leaving the server shortly after an unknown time... im so freaking anxious and scared... her grammar was fine at first, but then as we were going on, she kept making errors like "boxer" or "then" instead of "than"... my pocd keeps saying that I "UNKNOWINGLY EROTICALLY ROLEPLAYED WITH A MINOR" when idek if this happened or not... some people told me she sounds like/is a young adult... chatGPT tells me she sounded like a teenager... I genuinely dont know what to believe anymore... (these two photos are from her account, and the beginning of our ERP... I hope she wasnt a teenager... I really hope she wasnt...)