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My name is Maryam i was born in 1995 There is something weird about me that I don't know what it is when I was a child I was full of hope like I was on all the happy content drugs but I did not take anything I was just like that. But then when I went to school I started to get bullied alot sometimes in class I would zoom out like I left my body and come back to it again that happened to me alot when I was I child. But as I got older my happiness natural drugs started to fade away and I started to see the darkness bit by bit to tell you the truth I was bullied my whole school years until I I finished. But before that when I was thirteen my OCD kicked in pretty hard I was scared to do anything I didn't know what was happening to me at the time I started to do the rituals I had to otherwise my brain would punish me pretty hard but then when I was 16 or 15 I don't remember exactly I said to my self I had enough whatever my brain tells me let it happen my rituals decreased alot to non existence but in my brain I still had OCD so it never really went away. I realized recently that the OCD I have is not just a psychological problem but I have brain chemistry problem because if you have a brain chemistry issue it stays with you it can decrease but never go away I've been taking medication these last years so I can function like a normal person and I did alot of therapy recently not before But there is something about antidepressants they work in the beginning when you take them but after few months they stop being effective as they were before. So you have to rely on yourself pretty much. And also I mentioned before about the darkness that kept creeping on me as I grow up and now I feel it all the time that iam numb at this point I laugh I smile I pretend to be okay but iam hallow inside there is nothing there and the darkness inside me is loving that so that is my story If you read till the end that's cool if you couldn't I understand But that what iam at so far. If anyone can relate to anything I said please tell me so I don't feel like iam completely alone in this Thanks for reading

Hi my names Abby and i’m 16 years old. (I am undiagnosed) Everything that’s lead me and my therapist to potentially believe I have ocd has been the worst experience of my life so far. For my childhood and my teenage years up until I was 15, we’re really difficult. I was bullied a lot growing up and I had a lot of family dynamics that were really hard. (I have 2 siblings that were my half siblings, whom I have no relationship with anymore due to them being much older than me and them disliking my parents for many reasons) but I always felt super alone growing up. I was always told growing up to “stop” or to “shut up” from them and sometimes “stop” from my parents because I was very energetic and excited all the time. So I learned to stay quiet a lot. I was exposed to a lot of gore/pornographic material around age 7-8, which I realize now lead me to have sexual experiences at a young age with females the same gender as me when I was very young. I started masturbating when I was super young. I find that I have forgotten most of my childhood, but sometimes random memories come up in my mind and I remember, or I dream about them. I have very weird dreams that disturb me heavily. I am an INFP personality, and have always loved to help others and care. I love music/ art and guitar so heavily, and love writing poetry. My dream is to become a psychologist and help others whom struggle the same as me. I am very sensitive. I love reading. But recently the past 2 months I haven’t been writing or reading a lot, and when I do it feels inauthentic. The same with playing guitar. I don’t know what triggered this major change in my life, but it all started a few days after my boyfriend left on a trip with his family from the U.S (where we are) to travel across Europe for 3 weeks. He’s been back for about 2 months now but the whatever triggered is still the same. I’ve been dissociating heavily and my memory is terrible. Time passes by so quickly, and I don’t know why but I am now struggling every second of the day with these horrible harmful thoughts (mostly triggered by seeing weapons or example: say my eye is hurting really bad I imagine my eye popping out of my head) these horrible images, whether this be hurting my family or other people. When I first started having these thoughts I panicked and cried and had major panic attacks for weeks, but i’ve been dealing with them for so long now I become really numb and try to avoid going to places that have items of harm. I feel like i’ve lost my identity completely, and I don’t know who I am anymore, I just want to go back to who I was. I really need help. I’ve been worrying i’m a psychopath and that what if I actually desire to do those bad things? Even though I know i’d never ever do them. Please help me.

Been doing ERP for a while now, and overall my OCD is leaps and bounds better than it used to be. I'm not in a crippling panic state anymore thank God. However, at this point I am just trying to figure out how other people with OCD manage their rumination and mentally replaying things in their head? A lot of times I don't even realize that I'm doing it, I will just be doing an activity such as yardwork and while I'm doing it, I will be mildly ruminating about a topic and just find it hard to avoid doing so. My therapist suggested setting a timer every so often to see where my mind is currently at and trying to redirect to something more appropriate (or do ERP exercises). Sometimes it just feels so noisy even though I'm not directly paying attention to it and it ends up being very distracting and affects my productivity. Overall, it's much better, honestly thought it was gone entirely, but OCD is attempting to relapse a little bit I've noticed. Thank you for your experiences and I hope you all have a safe Labor Day weekend!

Why is it actually so hard to not do compulsions ive literally not done it for a few hours but then I kept having more and more intrusive thoughts feelings sensations all that stuff that just make it so real where you start feeling like do I like this and why are the thoughts so specific and you can’t stop ur mind from doing what it’s doing, so I gave into compulsions I’m mad at myself I was doing so well but I’m just so scared of what these thoughts/sensations mean about me because when it actually feels like real like yeah that feeling feels like the truth about how I feel about this thought or this thought must be something I actually like,HOW ON EARTH AM I NOT GONNA WANAN DO A COMPULSION AND THEN WHEN I START I CANT STOP MY MIND IS RACING TRYAN DO ALL THE COMPULSIONS. Then my brain slows down and I’m like hey but u still haven’t figured out this part of the thought that could be real,by this time I don’t even really remember. I’m trying my best I really really am what am I doing wrong I need help Also my therapist has been away she’s back this week

Hi everyone! I'm on a season where my mental health is wavy, it changes alot and Im struggling with things. I use chatgp as a tool to help me learn what to do but I just find that what he's telling me doesnt help me and makes me spin more. It's about acceptance and what to do with emotions and what is fighting with them or avoiding, and I got to a point where everything i do seems like avoiding. It really makes me angry that things doesnt make a sense. I understand acceptance means we dont fight but that "dont fight" will easily become a compulsion to me. Also for years I got the advice that you need to feel your emotions which hurt me alot cause that made me focus on the feelings, now chatgpt teached me that I should change the focus, acceptance only means that we acknowledge that the frelings are there, but then we should put our focus on the present moment. This becomes a fight for me too... It told me alot of times that you dont change your focus to avoid feeling bad, you just do it cause you want to live your life, but this is stupid cause you dont feel like you want to cause you want to solve the fear,and sooner or later that will always become that you change your focus so you dont give attention to the thoughts. Cause if you do then oh well you are giving them control and attention which feeds them... So this makes me stuck cause everytime i try to change my focus i fe that im avoiding the emotion and then im just spining... Also the other thing that is really annoying, it says that I should accept everything, even that I fight with the thoughts, that I dont like it, that yi want to change it, that im feeding it, and dont try to change it cause thats fighting. So that means you just sit and let yourself do that, but now your accepting, and atleast you wont add more to it, but you accept it that now you are fighting and you hate it and you make it worse to yourself... this sounds so stupid and chatgpt doesnt understands why. Its like you are hitting yourself and it hurts you but you accept it to not add more pain by fighting with yourself about why you hit yourself, and you just sit and accept that you hit yourself and wait until it goes away... And again the answer would be "well you dont just sit you go and live your life while the feelings and thoughts are there" for that theres the first part of this post... I dont get this, you just live your life, tgat easily becomes "i want to live my life and not listening to this cr*p cause its annoying" which will become avoidance... and if you want to "watch the thoughts and dont try to make them go away" then you make them to stay by keep watching them... but again if you dont want to watch them and want to live my life, that will easily become I dont want to focus on this... theres no "middle path" for me I tried these, if i do this I feel like im avoiding, if I let my feelings be they just get my focus and all I think is that... I would really like to hear your thoughts on this, how can I live my life without avoidance, also I think i developed meta ocd cause a have alot of "i have to do it in the right way" thoughts.

I am 18 years old and I have really bad OCD and anxiety I think and I used to type all of my thoughts in the notes app and I recently deleted them because I felt like God wanted me to but now I regret it because I know there’s things in my notes That I might have acted on and I didn’t get the chance to tell my mom and now I don’t remember them and I cry and I cry because I don’t wanna be a bad person, but I do sometimes do my thoughts not like actually hurt someone, but for instance, I was touching my monitor. Weird whenever I didn’t have to, and I kept touching it after I had an intrusive thought and I should’ve stopped, but I didn’t and if I did that, what else have I done and I just wanna get back to my normal life and I can’t even do normal tasks all the time and I know the thoughts that I’ve acted on was not the check to see if anything happened. What if I did it for bad reasons what does that make me now? I just wanna grow up and be a Christian and just have a family and then I will be happy. I don’t want these thoughts anymore, but I’m so scared of my past please help

TLDR; i'm terrified that my past confessions/need for reassurance to the wrong people will get back at me one day from them not knowing it was undiagnosed OCD/not understanding. back when i was 17/18 i began struggling severely with POCD. at the time, i wasn't diagnosed and had not much idea what OCD was, so naturally i just thought i was a terrible person. i needed reassurance from everyone - even coworkers, friends, anyone, some who barely knew me. i'd tell people about the thoughts i was struggling with and when i look back it upsets me because i know deep down they thought it was weird. i don't know why i felt the need to tell these people about my POCD. i even remember one of my supervisors looking at me with this horrified look on her face. the job i worked at back then, i sometimes had to do parties for children so naturally i refused because of my theme, i was (still am if i'm honest) scared of children. i ended up not being kept permanently at my job (i was seasonal) due to me not doing the parties. i ended up going back to that job a year (ish) later after being diagnosed. i made it clear i had OCD and wore lots of pin badges about it and made it my mission to spread awareness of what OCD really is. i was on meds (still am). some people had left naturally, so i know there's some people out there who never actually found out i had OCD and i am terrified they think of me as this dangerous, weird p*do because of my intrusive thoughts whenever they hear my name/think of that job. i'm terrified that my old coworkers talk about me and describe me as a bad person. i had someone come into my new job a few months back, and being in customer service, we were having a friendly chat and she mentioned she just started working at my old job. i said i used to work there, she then asked me if i was *my full name* and i said yes, she said she'd heard about how bad my manager was back then. she tried to follow me on instagram and i blocked her. i'm terrified on how she knows about me, what does she know? what was she told? it haunts me to this day. what if she thinks i'm a bad person, because my old colleagues have told her stories of my POCD? why was i even mentioned? but yeah - long story short i'm just mortified that i was so open about POCD and that there's people out there who know about it that probably shouldn't, some who i know didn't like me very much anyway, and that it might come back to me later in life and i'd lose everything, and just overall the thought of someone thinking of me as a bad person. anyone else relate?

I've always had trouble completing tasks without procrastinating or just feeling stuck and unable to do anything. My psychiatrist suspects ADHD, but I haven't been diagnosed. Still, I need to figure out how to manage this issue of mine better. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice? I don't know if this is an OCD issue or what... Part of it may be, since I create unnecessary requirements for myself in order to do things. For example, before I do any work, I need to eat. I watch something while I eat, and then I need to let the food settle before I start anything, and the list keeps going. It's been like this for YEARS, but it's become more of an issue as I've gotten older. I've always had high grades, but it's just sitting down, getting started, and staying seated that I struggle with. I'm guilty of checking my phone a lot and getting distracted with things that have NOTHING to do with the tasks at hand. I just have no idea what to do... I feel guilty about this. In the past, I've tried following schedules, but I can never keep on one 🥲 I'm going to continue to try things, but I thought I'd ask here to see if anyone had advice?

Recently i got stuck in a loop with a terrible intrusive thought about my boyfriend. it’s been rattling in my mind and i feel disgusted and scared and like an evil horrible person. i keep saying things like “intrusive thoughts attack who/what you care about the most” but i think my compulsion (researching; looking up ocd intrusive thoughts and watching others experiencing the same thing) had made it hard to believe that. Im not super concerned about the harm portion because im beating it but now its turned me numb towards my boyfriend after feeling so guilty and scared and everything. i just don’t know what to do its like my body and brain is trying to push me away. we also spend every single day together so im wondering if maybe thats why its so bad? like i feel AWFUL. and i cant stop crying and i havent told him any of this because i don’t want to scare him or make him think im crazy. any tips or words would be appreciated.

I don't know what to do .I don't know if my therapist knows about intrusive thoughts..I want to tell them and see what she says.I told her some of my worries..but not all.At this point it feels like I am in denial.I had a staring compulsion and made a parent upset and I want to apologise but Idk how And I pray I didn't upset the kid.And I think about a terrible thing when I fantasize..like the thoughts appear and I am so so scared.I hate them.

Upset because a girl I met probably thinks I’m a p because she told me about this job and it involves with kids and I told her that “I can’t work with kids because I get triggered” and she said “ohh 😥” I said “OCD” she said “it’s OK I understand” and now I feel like she thinks that I’m a terrible person or she thinks I’m a p because I cannot fake it even if I need a job I don’t think it’s worth my mental health me going every day at home thinking if I did something to a kid, I would literally lose my mind.

I was driving through a intersection and a guy on bike came into my lane when I had the right of way. I got a bit frustrated at him not follwoing the rules so I tried to break check him (without wishing him any harm, nor did I intended for him to get into an accident because of me). Beacuse he had made a u-turn and was now on my right side while break chehcking I turned a bit to the right too (not intending any harm to him, just wanted to tease him cause of the situation) he slightly touched my car. I felt bad so I checked all my mirrors. I remember at that time he moved to the left. How I know that? The guy was wearing a black helmet with another guy sitting behind him. So my mind tracked these 2 factors at that time assuring me that the black helmet bike guy was not harmed due to my due diligence. Becuase I felt bad about the sitiation I instead of speeding away kept my speed slow at first hoping if he was angry he'd pull up besides me. But the black helmet guy was also not too fast. He seemed he had shrugged it off, niether any other passengers on car or bike called me out or followed me (if any harm/accident had happened). So after this conclusion that he was not harmed (checking the mirrors/keeping a slow speed) I gradually increased my speed and got home. The ride back home I made prayers for forgiveness and and vowed not to do break checking and stuff like that again beacuse I was lucky nothing bad had happened this time around. Till this point (driving back home till I Slept) I had no OCD or false memory.I got home did my work but this incident kept coming back with guilt and it was all good (meaning no False memory till now). Then when I was about to go to sleep my brain started making worse scenerios that what if he had gotten hurt or worse.I have played the memory a thousand times and no one fell. Even my brother who was in the passenger seat, said I guess he just touched our car and did not fell. Even I didn't find any major scratch on the car confirming it was not a big deal cause we weren't that fast either casue its a major intersection. But still the false memroy keeps haunting me that what if I had harmed him/ hurt him. I wish for this to go away as evey other second this false thought of me causing the bike guy harm keeps haunting me.The fact that I initiated it as a simple break check to just get back at him (not intending any harm) makes it even worse for me. Cause now OCD is making me acountable for a false memory in my head (well I do say I was wrong and I could have brushed it off by not break checking. But all happened in a split second).

I’m in the beginning stages of a relationship and I’m honestly sick. My partner has completely laid out what he wants and explicitly said he wanted a relationship but I cannot for the life of me stop thinking of the worst. Even the slightest off behavior is making me think he hates me and I did something awful or I’m making it all up in my head. We have known each other for a long time and I have no reason not to trust him or myself but the only thing going through my head is awful things even though we talked about plans soon. How can I stop this without being reassured, if being reassured won’t help??

I had experienced a few instances where I am about to fall asleep or waking up and I will hear something from a previous conversation no matter how long the time. For example, on time I heard in my head my daughter say mom or another time internally the laugh of my husband's friend, etc. It led me to research which was my biggest mistake because although I read that it could be hypnagogic hallucinations and could stem from anxiety or stress and disrupted sleeping patterns which I currently have all of those, As I continued reading I saw that it can be seen with patients that have schizophrenia as well and my mind went into full panic mode, now I am in crippling fear that I have it or psychosis and am worried I will start to hear things and hallucinate, etc. to the point where I now hear ringing in my ears and it has caused my anxiety to fully spike again. Anyone else experience something similar?

Guys I've had this two week spiral and I tell you it just keeps getting worse everyday and even though I'm trying to sit with them and I've done a session I'm tired guys I don't know what I should do and being in a conservative African family even makes it harder for me to tell anyone...I tried to tell my mother in kind of like fun facts about ocd and she was like so that's how crazy people start and was laughing at some of the examples and compulsions I gave and now I'm even more scared to tell anyone even my friends..I told them I have ocd but I didn't tell them my theme , I feel alone guys😭

I'm feeling fearful and a large amount of anxiety. My intrusive thoughts are getting the better than and making me feel like a bad person and afraid of the future. But I just started down the road of recovery, I just recently started on Prozac and haven't met with a therapist yet so I'm trying to be hopeful for recovery.

Hello! Brand new here after being diagnosed with ocd and realizing I have probably been struggling with it for 30+ years. :( I had my first therapy sessions last week. Has anyone else felt things didn’t go well with your therapist? I have been in therapy before for anxiety, but never felt judged before or so ashamed after therapy sessions ended. I can’t quite explain it, but I feel like I have more insight on ocd from Instagram or just things I have read on here than my therapist. I actually felt I spoke too much and annoyed her and it has me questioning everything I think, do or say. I decided to try another therapist this week and meet them tomorrow. Praying obsessively it goes better and I get some clarity because right now I feel as confused as ever about what ocd is and isn’t and praying its not just me and I am a lot and annoying. 😖

My intrusive thoughts are so bad rn. But I’m on my period and I feel like garbage:(

My OCD is directly tied to my PTSD from being hospitalized in the past. I feel incredibly alone because of this. I’m 26 and was hospitalized twice - once when I was 14 for an eating disorder, where I experienced solitary confinement and SA. Then again when I was 22 for depression, where I was “cold-turkey” from one of my medications and almost had a heart attack. I’m traumatized because of these events and struggle with “insanity OCD” that directly ties into my trauma where I get terrified I’ll “lose control” and do something that will cause me to be hospitalized against my will and taken away from my loved ones. I’m scared to even seek therapy or reach out. If anyone has similar experiences/lived experience I’d greatly appreciate your guidance. Please forgive any grammatical errors; I’m not in the best state of mind rn.

Open to friendships or ventships Lol