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All my days are pretty much consumed by real events I obsess with. I don’t know how to stop. I don’t want to lose my life, but I’m also tired of living like this.

I can’t carry on with this feeling of doing something (rape) intoxicated, it’s gone on for months and just think I done it all, my life’s ruined

What makes me feel the craziest, is that I feel like I know enough thanks to my having to research and Google everything..... like, I'm a sophomore in college... I am majoring in Psychology. Because the human mind (like mine) is so interesting. So like, I will talk to myself. Quietly with my thoughts AND even out loud. What trips me out is that I Swear that I have full therapy sessions with myself. I know my OCD is the cause of me having to keep questioning myself and trying to figure out why I'm this way and how to get better and what can I do to end this hell I live in inside my mind. I have made note of being able to provide myself with suggestions and advice and info on things to do that can help counter and deal with my OCD to where i can be more functional. It really pulls me into an intense standstill Because it's like I know the answer and I know what I need to do... but I have to always end it with how i must not care how insane and crazy I am because if I know what I can do to help manage and keep my OCD at ease, then why can't I? It pulls me into this spiral where I then question what I know. Or if I have some sort of split personality. I'm always checking and researching things that I already know, just so I can find reassurance. I will ask Alexa stupid questions I know the answer to, like "whats the definition of _____" when I know what the meaning is, but I want to make sure. I'm always feeling as if I could be wrong in everything I think I know.... I get stuck for hours replaying events and situations or something said or done and try to think of every possible reason why, or possible outcomes. I can not communicate effectively because I sound crazy to myself, how is the other person thinking I'm normal? I get lost and stuck for hours in my own head... "circling" as i call it, or what I recently read as a ping pong game. My best friend committed suicide in 2019, by "hanging" to where I became obsessed with suicide, learning all about hanging to where I know things like short-drop and either you suffer or just pass out. Not just that but then I want to know how she was in her last moments. (I would hope she just passed out... I hate knowing she was in any pain). This lead me to become obsessed with the spirit world and started doing spirit box sessions again because I want to talk to her. (Which has me confused between I know I might hear some things because I want to... but also feel that because of that, I need clear responses). I am just in constant battle with my own self. I'm always fighting my own self. I'm my own worst enemy... but my own friend and therapist and teacher and etc. This is really really difficult. And I hope I am not alone in this. I don't even know exactly what subtypes and themes i deal with because there's many, and because everything has to be exactly what it's supposed to be, that if one "trait" doesn't fall under that category, that there must be something I am missing. This is exhausting 😞

I can't enjoy anything today because I'm not only stuck in the past with things I wish didn't happen to me and that I'm having trouble being kind to myself in general. Porn destroyed my teenage years and it's affecting my young adult years now. I look back on everything and just think I'm disgusting for it. Some days like these I just can't shake the guilt or the shame. They just hit me full force.

I feel the right thing to do is own upto my rape memory/thought, It was when I was intoxicated and walking home on my own I feel I grabbed someone and committed an awful act on them. What shall I do

Can anyone give any advice please IS IT POSSIBLE TO CONVINCE YOURSELF THAT YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING THAT YOU HAVEN’T DONE? HOW CAN A THOUGHT/FEELING SEEM SO REAL IF ITS NOT REAL? When you have thoughts/think that you have done something bad in the past to someone ,but you are sure you haven’t and never would. One minute you say to yourself no I would never do such a thing and then you say what if you did as the feelings/thoughts feel so real. The thoughts/feelings sometimes are so convincing you have done something to someone but you truly believe you haven’t , you even question what if there is proof of this happening like recordings and that’s where the constant checking starts. Is this false memory or is it something else?

When i was younger in my twenties especially i did some things i really feel guilty of.. I have false memories of things but some things i think happened and they go against my values... I cant stop feeling guilty and thinking im a bad person.. I wish i could turn back time but i cant... I ruminate all the time and i get trigered by a Million things...

My partner was high and so was I and he just said “is this real like is this really real” and my theme right now is I’m convinced I’m in a dream or not real and this is a false reality or something, I had therapy early today and that helped so much and then I was feeling hopeful that i was gonna get better and the theme was going away and then he said that and I’m spiraling, please help

I’m 54 yrs old and had my first episode at 17. Didn’t know what it was at the time. Intrusive thoughts that made me feel like I had lost my mind. It’s continued off and on since then. But just recently found out I have ocd. I was too stubborn or embarrassed to ever admit or ask for help. Anyway, when this is triggered and I get chronic severe anxiety that lasts months I get these symptoms and wanted to see if anyone else experiences these? Severe memory loss from recent events. Even feeling like I don’t know people. A numbness always on the left side of my face. Extreme ear ringing. Feeling like my head is in a vise, but not a real headache. I was just curious. The memory thing is a real issue for me and makes my anxiety worse. These physical symptoms always go away when my anxiety is gone but it’s concerning to me. Please share any similar experiences. Hope everyone has a great weekend. Jeff

I feel like I’m going crazy and second guessing everything rn. I keep wondering if I did or said anything racist and I just can’t remember or I did and i didn’t acknowledge it. I feel like people at my school hate me or are ignoring me. I don’t know how to get out of this endless loop of doubting myself. I know I would never do such a thing but I keep second guessing myself. Im starting to believe I’m a terrible person and I don’t know how to prove myself otherwise.

My ocd always makes me think the worst and tells me that the only explanation for things is that I did something horrible. I had an incident many years ago that has made my life miserable. I guess it’s a real event and possibly false memory as well. When my son was little he would crawl into bed with me alot. One morning I got up and he was still asleep. I put my daughter on the school bus and went back upstairs to my room and he was awake sitting up wrapped in the blanket. I said good morning and told him to come downstairs with me and get breakfast like I always did but when he got out of bed he didn’t have his underwear on. I yelled at him demanding to know why he took his underwear off. He was 2 or 3 and he pointed at me and yelled “You!”. My ocd immediately kicked in and made me think the worst that I must have done something horrible to him in my sleep. Why would he say that? 😪. At the time I didn’t think too much of it though because toddlers randomly do weird things and take their clothes off and they yell back or blame you because they don’t like getting in trouble or getting yelled at so I shrugged it off but out of nowhere all these years later my ocd brought this back up. Since it’s been so long my memory has faded so my ocd adds more “evidence” and tells me things like maybe I was drinking and did something to him and just don’t remember. I try to think of all the scenarios that could have happened as to why he took his underwear off but my ocd won’t let anything make sense except that I did something horrible and I can’t live with that uncertainty like other people can. It makes me not want to be alive anymore 😞

So I study film in high school and decided to make a film for my class on awarness on ocd and it's informative and covers many subtypes, mostly taboo thoughts. I covered probably every taboo subtype you can imagine on there, one of them being pocd. There's a part when I set examples of intrusive thoughts that feel more like urges and commands and I put an example saying "I'm going to grope the first child that walks past me". I got reported by a student to the counselors of my school and the counselors called me in not only for my safety but the safety of others. They said that they wanted to know if I was ok and then they wanted my therapist's information to make sure I would be ok after graduation. I gladly gave them her info knowing that this was for my own good and to inform them on ocd's scary reality. I got a call from my therapist last night telling me that the counselors shared my script with her and they were considering removing me from being of reach of children in my internship which is also my job. This is a huge deal for me not only because that job is my only form of income that I've been using to support my family but because I plan on majoring in education and becoming a teacher and have been working with children for years and I want to be a good teacher. This could literally run the risk of me being reported to the police and could open up a criminal record, possibly preventing me from moving forward in my career in child caretaking and education. I'm reasonably freaking out and she tells me that they will talk to me in the morning at school so I out of fear of losing my job and fucking future get to the main office to speak to them. I had made a gc with people that ik that have ocd that will be in my film and told them that I had been reported and needed back up and one offered to go with me to the office. When we get there the counselors tell us that I'm the only one allowed and speak to me in private. I'm angry and horrified bc they literally believed me on Monday when we met and then go behind my back to tell my therapist that I'm not supposed to be around kids bc I'm dangerous for sharing an informative example of pocd. Above all of this, in the script I never stated what MY obsessions were so they were the ones assuming that I had pocd of all the subtypes that I had mentioned. That was when they told me that my therapist had seen the example on pocd and told them that the fact I'm around children in a situation that can be triggering is BAD FOR ME EVEN THOUGH IT'S AN EXPOSURE AND HAS HELPED ME AND SHE WAS THE ONE THAT TOLD THEM TO GET ME AWAY FROM KIDS. She therefore implied to them that I have pocd WITHOUT my consent and this made the school remove me from my internship at my job. I go to get paid outside of school hours but for the time I'm in school I'm not allowed to be there bc my therapist shared information that I never gave them permission to share AND must think that all the exposures mean nothing bc they're too "triggering" for me and it can "make me suffer more". I met up during lunch with my film cast with ocd and they listened to most of it before I could finish but they kept telling me to report her to the medical board and to the conpany she works for because she broke confidentiality. How do I go about this?

What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 20... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭

My false memory is of me assaulting another human and to make it worse it has a real detail being a towel radiator. I tried to guess what I would’ve been leaning on if I was standing in a specific place in a room I went in yearsss ago and I kinda just guessed a towel radiator and to my shock looking back at the old pictures I got it right…I don’t remember assaulting anyone though? It’s scaring me as yes the towel radiator was there but I do not recall harming another human it’s sooo against my nature even drunk. So now my ocd is using that towel radiator against me saying my whole false memory must be real as it has a real detail? I know it’s probably laughable to some people but my whole life is being ruined right now by a radiator. I’ve spoken to a therapist who kept saying she didn’t really understand what it’s got to do with the false memory. My family and partner keep assuring me I would never do that and to just move on. So why can’t I move on?! Anyone dealt with anything remotely similar?

I start therapy tomorrow again and I'm honestly petrified to discuss my real event OCD. Even tho it happened when I was like 6 and people are telling me I'll be fine, I'm still terrified I did COCSA and I'll be reported for it. My OCD is even telling me people told me it's OK because they think I deserve to be reported. I dont know how to get over the fear. But not talking through it makes it feel worse to.. im so anxious.

I always get images of things that I severely don’t want to have. It gets better as the day goes on but I feel that whenever I make mistakes or there’s an accident (for instance my fingers accidentally grazed a students “area” when I was trying to get my pen) make me feel insanely guilty and that I want to hurt myself to compensate. For that instance I told my boss right away and she didn’t make it a big deal because it was such a swift and accidental occurrence, but that moment kept/keeps replaying in my head and I feel like a monster. Also, when I let a student use my phone to look at a picture for reference (art project) there was a search I made about birth control and how to know when to take a pregnancy test. I didn’t think much of it because I have absolutely nothing bad in my phone, but now I feel like I might be some groomer or monster. I definitely should go back to therapy but I just want to see if anybody had similar experiences/fears.

Intoxicated I believe I done a horrific crime (r*pe) to a lady walking by when I was walking home on my own, evidence starting to come alight to me more and more like I had a two cuts in my knuckles & a scram on my chest, I found underwear in my laundry basket with a stain in but don’t know if that’s from that night 80% positive it was, I use to have OCD as a teen but thought it went but all the mix of alcohol I’m unsure what to do next however nothings came of the night, what shall I do next?

I wish there was an option for a real event ocd support group or meeting or perhaps even the option to get therapeutic help not only with the ocd aspect of the real event but also to help us with the actual real events themselves. For instance, a therapist that can assist us in understanding why we did what we did and to help us move forward while being aware of the ocd component involved to avoid making that aspect worse. I think that the fact that this subtype involves real events not just thoughts/feelings/sensations, creates an additional aspect that makes everyone with this subtype feel alienated. It isn’t just a thought or a feeling or a sensation for us. We did things we probably shouldn’t and we need help addressing that aspect. This is not to imply that this subtype is worse than any others because every subtype is horrible…ocd is horrible. We just need help with this extra aspect. I would give anything to get this kind of help. I am struggling so much with the bad choices I made in the past. I wish there was someone I could speak to that could understand that more needs to be addressed than just the ocd in this subtype for me.

Everyday is a struggle just to get out of bed. My mind attacks me day and night with no mercy. I have flashback like images that feel uncannily real of the past and things OCD is worried about. The other problem is I have a great memory and it makes how real and the remembrance even more horrifying. I keep hoping for a miracle but question do I ev n deserve one at my mid life age. God bless everyone and I hope you at least get better. I’ll keep praying for a healing of my own.

I'm freaking out because I saw a tiktok on cocsa and now I'm afraid I did it when I was super little. I had to be like 6 or so but I can't remember, i just remember being little, not even 10 yet i dont think. I remember i was with my younger brother and my dad and we were all playing hide and seek in a hotel. And then me and my younger brother were hiding in the bathroom. I remember us giggling and then I remember making him lift his shirt? Or us taking turns lifting our shirts? Then im not sure if we showed each other our genitalia or not, or if his pants were down. I genuienly cant remember but i think we did (me and a friend in lile 1st grade got in trouble for doing that once, so i wouldnt put it past me and i keep getting a vague memory of it so maybe we did). Then i remember kissing his stomach before my dad was like 'what are you guys doing?'. And we both just laughed and left the bathroom. When I was really young, I was exposed to porn and it messed up my brain. I dont think it was innocent even though I didn't understand like what I was doing because I was really little. Hes from my dads side (who i dont talk to anymore) so i havent seen or spoke to him in years. I weve gotten along before we stopped talking though, but still. What if I traumatized him?? What of I did cocsa or intended to/almost did?? What if he doesn't remember now but will remember later and be traumatized??