I feel like im becoming more and more disgusting, shameless. I feel like I'm going back to the horrible things I used to do.
What if OCD is the reason I'm a good person? And what if I'm not OCD anymore and I will become a horrible person like i used to?
What if my partner is not important for me anymore? Or what if I always act "cute" and become an attention seeker like before and what if i start to become a disgusting love chaser?
What if I become the same attention seeker, selfish, obscene, abusive, unfaithful, reckless, liar, pretender as I was before? What if i've never changed?
I don't even react to OCD with bad feelings like I used to. It's like I like my thoughts. I feel like im proud to be evil and unfaithful and disgusting. I just want to feel disgusted towards to my thoughts.
It's like I started doing the disgusting things I used to do again, enjoying it and normalizing it.
I always feel like im pretending, acting a role to be different or be the center of attention. I feel like a narcissist. I feel like I don't respect other people as individuals. I feel like im manipulating everyone to convince them that im innocent...
I still have thoughts that blame my partner for him being avoidant. I always want to accept and love him as he is. Without being disrespectful, expectant, unaccepting, unfair, ungrateful, unsympathetic...
My mind tells me that I'm obsessive, that I'm exaggerating my partner. And my mind makes me feel like it's okay if I'm unfaithful to him, if I cheat on him, if I find someone "better" than him, and that it won't make me feel bad...
I DON'T want to feel like that. Even if my partner is not the best like before, I want him to be the best *for me*. I want to be determined, devoted, extremely loyal to him, i want to love him. I want to keep choosing and doing all these things.
I want to be a good person for people and especially for my partner.
I feel like I've become the disgusting person I used to be. I want to remain a good person.
People always badmouthed avoidant people and blamed my partner against me. And people always said "youre obsessed, you're exaggerating your partner" to me. Even though i did not. Is it wrong to love someone this much? I questioned.
I don't want to blame people, but could people's comments be affecting me and my thoughts? Did I let someone else control me?
I don't want to give up on my partner, be a bad person, a bad partner.