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Attraction first followed by immediate rush of anxiety and worry..

I have been with my boyfriend for over three years. I have struggled with OCD for likely the entirety of this relationship. It has been extremely hard. I have had many ups and downs with my anxiety and ocd and doubt. I’ve had a complete breakdown in front of my boyfriend on probably 6+ different occasions where I doubt everything and can’t hold in the anxiety. He has been supportive and patient and kind and loving throughout each one. Each time I promise I am going to figure it out, but each time I haven’t been able to. I have started therapy a couple times and each time it didn’t work out for a variety of reasons. I struggle with a large variety of intrusive thoughts largely focused on my side of the relationship (do I love him enough? My sexuality. Our compatibility. And constantly comparing him to others). I am 24 years old and this has been my first relationship, which has added to my anxiety and insecurity about not knowing enough. My whole life I have been hugely indecisive and a constant people pleaser. I feel I lack a true understanding of who I am and idk what I truly value because of this. I have always been one to go along with those around me and to be agreeable, kind of like a chameleon. This has left me lost and confused. I have always cared deeply of what others think of me and I have always strived to be viewed as perfect. Anyways, last week, I had a break down and it ended with me asking for a break. We decided we would give it one week of no contact, and then we would talk and decide the plan. Whether that be a longer break (6 weeks maybe? Or something else??) or we breakup, or we get back together. Anyways, I am still uncertain on what’s going to happen. But I am considering the break option. I feel I need to take some serious time learning about myself, learning about my core values, learning what it is I value for in a relationship, and reflecting. I need to work on my anxiety patterns and learn how to hear my own voice. I am looking for advice, I know a break is generally not recommended with rocd, but I feel I have already dug myself a hole as we are essentially one week into one. If I take a break, what can I do for it to be as productive, healthy, and healing as possible? How long should it be? Any advice? Is a break a bad idea? I don’t want to run from my anxiety. I want to grow and heal.

I know this is my OCD and probably wont be a big deal when it’s all over. My best friend and I, for brevity’s sake and to not risk reassurance with details that aren’t as important, had an interaction that resulted in a bit of an emotional and communication separation. It seems limited and temporary but I don’t know how to handle a separation or change in a relationship like this. They are my first best friend after 26 years of not having one and they mean the world to me. I love them dearly and I never knew I could experience such joy from a purely platonic relationship. They said they need some space and we normally hang out twice a week or at least once, I saw them on Tuesday and the incident happened over text the next day, and when I thought we were good I tried to initiate hanging out and they gave a maybe and said if not they’d see me thanksgiving, which is very much no like them, we usually are inseparable I’ve even considered moving closer to see them more often. I always have struggled with relationship OCD, never having many friends and I obsessed as a kid that I was always one step from being sent to an asylum, and this person is the first time I’ve ever felt confident and good about myself in some of the ways I didn’t think it was possible to not feel negative about. I’m sure I have some unhealthy emotional attachment, but I can’t stop thinking about the situation and worrying about if my friendship will change. No amount of response prevention has helped. I’ve tried to reach out and help a bit but it’s only been met with limited acceptance and I feel like I made them upset (understandably so, I was out of line) this morning by offering some unsolicited advice about how it seemed their OCD might be playing into the situation. We are very similar in our OCD and I just wanted to help even if I was wrong to do so, but I feel like there is no way I’m ever going to be able to have back what I had. They have indicated they want things to go back to normal it seems but without clear boundaries of what space they need and panicking as this is my most in depth relationship I’ve ever had (I’ve never had a romantic relationship) I feel like a part of my is missing. I don’t know what I’m asking for to be honest and I’m sorry this is so long but I just need some help and didn’t want to bother my therapist out of session. I feel like I’m on the verge of an emotional breakdown and the person I’d normally talk about this or even drive to go get a hug from and feel grounded and normal is the person in the situation so idk what to do.

My bf and I have been dating for a little over a year. The past 5 months have been rocky. I’m anxiously attached and he leans more avoidant but *he isn’t a full blown avoidant* and didn’t really start showing symptoms till months later when the fighting became a lot. We talk everyday, see each other almost every day and he works night shifts as a nurse 8pm-8am then sleeps all day when he’s off then goes back into work. Recently, we had a small tension moment mid-week. Not a fight. I asked to hang out, he got a little short, said he was tired, and later told me “I’m fine, just want some time to myself.” I respected that and backed off. But then… nothing. He hasn’t spoken to me in 8 days. No “I need a few days,” No “I’ll reach out soon,” No check-ins, No follow-up after I sent a gentle “hey, how are you doing? just checking in.” This is the first time in our entire relationship that he’s gone silent. Even during horrible fights, he never went more than a few hours without responding. For context: • The past few months he has felt emotionally drained, overwhelmed, and questioned whether the relationship could get better. • But we had four really good days right before the shutdown — closeness, affection, no tension. • He has not broken up with me, hasn’t asked for his stuff back, hasn’t unfollowed me, hasn’t said “we need to talk,” nothing. • He is just… gone. Silent. Still at his apartment. Still going to work. Just ignoring me. I’m trying to figure out what this is: Is this: 1. An avoidant shutdown / deactivation (where the avoidant withdraws completely but eventually comes back once regulated), OR 2. An avoidant discard / slow breakup (where they emotionally detach, say nothing, and essentially let the relationship fade), OR 3. Just a burnt-out man shutting down and being immature and avoidant of conflict—not actually ending things but also not communicating at all, OR 4. Something else entirely? I’m looking for honest, non-sugarcoated insight from people who are avoidant, anxiously attached, therapists, or anyone who has lived either side of this. What does this behavior look like to you? Avoidant shutdown? Discard? Burnout? Immaturity? Has anyone experienced something similar? Do I keep respecting his space and not blow up since blowing up has gotten us here when he is genuinely an amazing person who didn’t deserve me bringing trauma into this relationship OR is he discarding me? He said months ago if it was over he’d never text me and wouldn’t care. (He is drama sometimes) but then also two weeks ago said if it was over he’d never ghost me and he would tell me. I’m not asking if I should continue being with him. I just want to know is this space he’s had to demand bc I never gave it and he’s burnt out or am I being discarded? Or is my ocd latching onto anything

I’m kind of a fairly spiritual person these days. (Did not grow up that way, but it has developed over the last decade) I like to draw tarot cards to get some advice for important questions in my life, and occasionally get a bit of wisdom from astrology (which I try to only read as an opportunity for reflection, not an influence in my day) hopefully the degree to which I “believe” in these things as actual magic will not dominate any comments. Thank you in advance. Intellectually, I recognize that OCD has a way of latching onto any insights from these tools but in practice, I find it hard to counteract, almost exclusively when it comes to relationships. Tonight I asked my tarot cards and even checked my Astro profile (ah checking…), a question about how to handle the “negative, stuck energy, frustrated feeling” I get with my partner sometimes. It happened tonight. It hits hard and it takes me a while to breathe and release it afterwards. Usually I want to be alone. It’s like a sharp, misunderstanding feeling, deeply frustrating, and it feels like it just gets STUCK in my chest. I asked my deck, and the cards were, *of course* all about the need to break up or be forced to break up, that I’m in a bad relationship that is going to leave me ultimately unfulfilled in life and I’m only here because I’m afraid of being alone. I looked up a couple interpretations, tried to see how I actually felt about the card meanings in my own body, but just generally descended into mid-level panic that it meant I had to be brave and break up with my bf of 2.5 years or else I’d be missing out on greater things in life. Thing is, my boyfriend is pretty fricking great. He’s communicative, affectionate, funny, into a lot of the same things I am, curious and kind, open to growing and deepening our relationship, and understanding of my OCD symptoms/needs. He’s not the most ambitious/adventurous person I’ve ever been with, and he can get angry fast sometimes which is new to me, but never actually at me, just around me, (which is what I think creates the tension) and he is working on it SO much and has gotten so much better at managing it. We’ve grown extremely close, and we’re on the cusp of building an actual real-life honest partnership together. Something I’ve never even believed I could try for. Over the last few years I’ve done a good amount of OCD work, and I can usually stay pretty grounded for readings and introspection on most other topics in my life, but here on the precipice of what could be a much longer term commitment, I’m faltering a bit. If you’ve read this far thank you. If you have any advice to share, thank you again. Writing this out has helped me to think through things, but, I still have to figure out what to do with this deep and unyielding fear of making the “wrong choice.” As we all do with this brain chemistry, all the time. How do you deal with spirituality/metaphysical/“trust your intuition” etc. and big life question uncertainty? How do you deal with making what could be lifelong commitments?

I’ve been through a really tough year, especially with OCD, and I want to be open about it in case it helps someone else feel less alone. If anything I share resonates, feel free to comment. My OCD first showed up as sexual-orientation OCD while I was studying abroad in Spain. My program had mostly girls, and my home university is also a very LGBTQ-friendly campus. Being in spaces where sexuality was talked about so openly made me feel pressured to “figure out” my orientation with certainty, which fueled the OCD spiral. At the same time, I was dealing with health OCD around concussions, so everything piled up. In August 2024, after a confusing conversation with a friend, I met a man I have a very deep emotional connection with — a connection that honestly has never gone away. I believed, and part of me still believes, that it was a “twin flame” connection. But the intensity of it triggered multiple OCD themes: sexual-orientation OCD, relationship OCD, existential and religious OCD, and magical thinking. I went down a lot of rabbit holes trying to make sense of it. Around the same time, I started noticing more dysfunction in my family, especially with my mom, and things eventually blew up. The fight we had escalated, and while I don’t want to go into detail, it did get to a point where I felt like my personal space and property were being invaded. I didn’t feel emotionally safe, so I wanted to leave. I ended up staying with my grandparents in Nashville, where I fell into isolation and depression. I put a lot of emotional weight on the man I have the connection with, which led him to set boundaries, and I spiraled even more. My grandparents eventually said I needed to return home, but my mom would only let me come back if I got off Prozac and signed papers giving her control over my medication, which I’m not comfortable with. So now I’m staying at a friend’s apartment on an air mattress while I try to get into a PHP program for OCD and figure out insurance and independence. There were also moments when intrusive thoughts felt like psychic “visions,” which scared me and led me to say things I now regret. My family doesn’t understand OCD and thinks I’m faking or self-diagnosing, which has been incredibly painful. I’m not in the best place mentally, emotionally, or financially, but I’m sharing this because I want this space to feel safe for others too. I also wish I had gotten help sooner. My biggest compulsion right now is using ChatGPT for reassurance before making decisions — which is even why I’m using it to shorten this post. But I’m trying to break that cycle and focus on real recovery. Thanks for reading if you made it here💓💓

It’s 4:30 am lol My brain is spinning a bit I’ll say Idk I keep worrying I don’t feel enough or I’m not excited enough to be with my partner long term. I’m worried I’m only thinking of him as a means to an end/an obligation. But it’s not Yes part of me wants to live with him so I can get out of my dorm but I wanna live with him cuz I love him and he’s fun. I hate when he has to go home and he can’t stay over. I want him to stay here with me. Cuddle all night. Idk the lack of butterflies makes my brain panic. The fact I’m not excited all the time makes my brain panic Makes it worry I’d be better off with someone else- another man? A woman? I get nauseous at the thought of either. I get nauseous around him too so idk what’s real. I kinda do tho? Looking at him makes me feel safe and warm but my body keeps making me nauseous when I don’t want to be. I try not to focus on it but it keeps coming back It makes everything so confusing. I just know I want him. That’s it. I don’t care about anyone else romantically. I’m scared thatll change. That at 60 I’ll drop everything for someone else. I don’t want to. I don’t feel warm and fuzzy telling him I love him- is that normal? It still feels nice to say it and to hear it. I think we’re so used to saying it to each other. Same goes for nicknames lol. No warm and fuzzy feelings when he calls me honey or habibti (he speaks Arabic lol) but I still love it. It feels surreal that we’ve been together almost 2 years. Idk. I’m worried I’m not happy enough about that but I cry tears of joy thinking about how far we’ve come and how far we have yet to go. I love running my hands through his hair. Recently I’ve been overthinking touching him. I avoid the pec area a lot cuz I’m worried if I touch it I’ll think of women. It’s never made me uncomfortable before but now it does. Which is annoying. I’m kinda trying to re integrate ig? I’m worried I’m touching him wrong or smthn. It’s never bothered me before but with my recent soocd it’s kinda tripping me the fuck up yknow??? I adore him. I love his body. He’s hot. He’s funny. He’s got nice muscles. He’s soft. Warm. Why am I suddenly feeling weird about certain parts? Is this normal in ocd? Hopefully someone takes the time to read all of this I genuinely do love him but I’m so worried I’m actually a liar and repulsed by his body. The first time I saw him shirtless all I wanted to do was run my hands all over him. Hold him close. Clearly I am not a lesbian. Now I still do, just not in an aggressively horny way like when we first got together LOL. It’s still horny, when we get going, yay responsive desire. But most of the time it’s just touching and cuddling. Idk I feel like I’m going crazy

Im a dude and im curious how women especially if they are shy show signs of attraction because I’m getting intrusive thoughts in my head, “ what if she thinks I’m thirsty,” what if she thinks I’m a creep or she thinks I’m doing too much . Obviously yall need context, too much to type tbh. Here’s a summary, there’s a female barista since I laid eyes on her it was like I was instantly attracted to her. We locked eyes a few times and I smiled at her and she smiled back at me we did this twice, one time she took my order she smiled and look down fast. Another time I asked her for her drink recommendation and I been ordering that since I actually do like the drink. This may sound cheesy and sound like nothing but remember summary So I’m thinking maybe she feels some attraction to me because I’m definitely feeling her. Problem is I never got her name and she isn’t always the cashier so sometimes for me to have a chance to speak to her I gotta wait until her coworker is busy so she becomes the cashier. Mind you I’m hella nervous and she seems nervous too but she’s pretty good at hiding I can tell she’s a lil shy or something Today I order coffee and she was at the cash register this time. I was nervous but kept it cool and I said the hi and how are you, then I mentioned how her drink recommendation for me hooked, I was so nervous my mind was blank she responded and smile that’s nice then I asked for her name, she told me and I said nice to meet to you but forgot to tell her my name…. But I was super excited and stoked that I finally got her name maybe from there I can start subtle small talk it’s tough because she’s working I’m not going to have full blown conversations but I’m curious if any girl is reading this at this point am I tripping? If you were crushing on someone what does through your mind and how do you act around your crush if you’re a female. I’m getting so many intrusive thoughts probably I’m really drained from my job and everything going on I even had a thought,” what if that isn’t her real name and she wants me to leave her alone.” Bro it’s a barista why would they lie about their name and I didn’t do nothing wrong but my mind of course, plus if I’m attracted to a women and I really like her how can I just sit back and don’t make a move. Anyways thanks for reading this long post I probably sound crazy because yall probably thinking she’s a barista she’s just being nice lmfao. (Edit) I’m even debating on not going into the coffee shop because what if I’m going in too much and she might think I’m doing too much because I think she knows I like her and she might be turned off by how much I go into the coffee shop by the way I go there during work and work on my homework. I don’t go there for no reason of course.

Yesterday my friend from middle school that still lives in the state I grew up in messaged me on Instagram to tell me she is getting a divorce. This was totally out of the blue. We talked briefly earlier this year but she said her relationship was going great. I post very openly on my Instagram story and I'm a feminist. She said she liked my posts and thought I should know what's happening in her life. At first I was thinking, wow this is going to be a draining conversation and how will I get out of it without seeming rude. I am overly empathetic and I'm easily effected by other peoples hardships and I am getting better at not trying to fix people and their problems. So trying to avoid her problems was my first instinct so I didn't get too involved. The reverse reaction happened. I was able to share with her that I had a similar experience and I was divorced about 3 years go and I kept the marriage and divorce private and not even my family knew. I explained how hard it was to leave and how he was psychologically, emotionally abusive and manipulative. I didn't want to marry him and I didn't want to be with him so that is why I didn't share it with anyone, it was a disgrace to me. She said that what I shared helped her so much because it showed that people can go through hard times and still be okay. She was so kind and mature while still being down strodden but her situation. I got a sudden urge to clean my apartment and reorganize everything. I moved three weeks ago and I hadn't deep cleaned yet. I would eat in the bathtub and I had ants and residual soap rings on the tub. I avoid cleaning sometimes because it seems overwhelming to me. The conversation I had with her made something click in my brain. I had more emotional progress and mutual understanding in our 2 hr conversation than I had with any of my past therapists. She told me I was strong and that all the things I've overcome where inspiring. I told her how her divorce will be difficult but she obviously has been taking better care of herself and she will have a much better life without him. She trusted me to share details of him being unloyal and acusing her of things she didn't do. I danced for the first time since I've moved in! I love to sing and dance and I didn't feel comfortable in the new space until last night. I sing and dance at work (childcare) but I would always sit at home on my phone stricken with guilt. I put a mirror out in the living room and I listened to some Colombian Cumbia music and kept dancing until I was tired. I then responded to the rest of her messages and told her I was going to go take a bath. I have come so far, I can find energy and solidarity through someone else's hardship rather than feeling pulled down. It was a beautiful moment for both of us. We cried together and we talked about seeing each other for the Christmas season. I think the message is that sometimes things feel like they will trigger you but you might be more emotionally stable than you think. Sharing how terrible my life used to be helped me realize how good it is now. Thanks for reading :)

this theme is legit the worst. i hate that i’m pulling away from people i love and isolating myself because of this. i just want the worries and doubts to go away but idk how to sit with it when it feels so convincing. how am i supposed to accept uncertainty on something that goes completely against my morals and something i couldn’t live with if it were true? why do false attraction and groinals feel so damn real sometimes and how am i supposed to know the difference? i just feel scared to open up about this and confirming my worst fears.

I know you’re going to say to talk to my therapist about this but honestly just looking for a little support. I have had intense rocd for pretty much the entirety of my relationship, (1.5 years) to the point where I question whether It’s rocd or just intuition that I pushed down from the beginning. It’s gotten better in general but i still have really bad days and sometimes weeks. That combined with the fact that I haven’t had a case this bad in any of my previous relationships (definitely it was present but not in the all consuming way it’s been in this one) has just made it extremely difficult not to think that if I were in a different relationship I wouldn’t have to deal with all of it. It’s a constant battle between my intrusive thoughts and compulsions about the relationship being wrong and my feelings not being enough, and knowledge that the ocd is something prevalent in many aspects of my life that i am going to have to live with regardless of what relationship I’m in. I’m just so tired of feeling guilty and not knowing what the right thing to do is, and fighting between the desire for escape and peace, and the desire to conquer my illness, and not truly believing that either result is possible.

I'm so scared at the idea of ERP because I feel like I'm lying to myself. Which I know is textbook but I feel like I have urges to think about these sexually explicit images for my own gratification. Which is so strange because I tell myself I don't want that. I love my girlfriend. And I know I don't want these things to happen but I'm scared that I want the thoughts. And that the whole concept of thinking about them intentionally will result in me enjoying them and wanting them. I want this to be over. I feel terrible every day but that doesn't mean I'm innocent. Anyone have any advice on how to tackle ERP with this in mind. I want this to end.

Lately I’ve noticed my OCD attach to my relationship. This usually happens when certain things are getting done or needs aren’t getting met. I’ve felt like my relationship is stagnant. I feel like I’ve been putting in the work for myself mentally and emotionally but my fiancée hasn’t. It feels like we’re at different points in our lives and it doesn’t help when she says things like “I can’t wait to be a stay at home wife” when in today’s economy, that probably won’t happen. How have you guys dealt with relationship issues like this? How can I express my feelings without making her feel attacked? Every time I try to bring things up, she gets defensive so I’m not sure if it’s my wording or tone. I’ve been thinking about couples counseling already just so we have a solid foundation (separate from my current feelings) before we get married but she didn’t seem very receptive to it.

At my worst I felt like it was a wrap for me. I genuinely believed I’d never be able to be a normal person again or have a normal life. But here I am, feeling 10x better and slowly regaining control of my life again. I’ve started dating again, working out consistently, studying and feeling optimistic about the future. Still have my moments, as we all know OCD is chronic and will always be around. But that voice that was at MAX volume inside of my mind, is now very low and very easy to ignore most of the time. It’s an ongoing process, but compared to where I was and where I am now it’s a night and day difference. It can be done, good luck to you all 🤞🏾🍀

Hi all! I made an entry on substack before I started therapy, and I just wanted to share it incase anyone who’s beginning their journey or continuing with it might relate. I must say, my life has gotten better, the thoughts have gotten better, and my relationships have improved since starting here. Like I said in my entry, I previously thought therapy wasn’t for me until I started here, and I’m glad to say now that it DEFINITELY IS! WHY DO I CARE? Why do I care so much? Often it feels like the smallest unplanned reaction (or, more likely, the “wrong” reaction) has me second guessing everything. Did I come off too strong? Did I say something horrible and immediately forget? Does this person dislike me now? Are they still my friend? Will everyone leave because I’m too much? I search the internet as if the answer evades me, but the search brings me back to what I already knew was causing these constant obsessions: Autism and OCD, both of which I’ve had all my life (though only fully realized in the last few years). A joke felt an insult, a shush seemed like a hatred, and actual confrontation? A living nightmare. These diagnoses have helped explain why everything felt so serious all my life. My parents had a delayed arrival home? Someone hurt them and is coming for me next. A fire truck goes by while in class? My apartment must be on fire. I cannot find my cats? They escaped in the fraction of a second the front door was open. And finally, the least favorite of “my special little quirks” is the intrusive images of me laying deceased at the bottom of the staircase anytime I start my decent, convincing myself I’m one misstep away from an untimely death. OCD and Autism coalesce to form a torturous reality. OCD allows me to ruminate and obsess over every conversation and Autism allows my obsessions/ruminations to reach a crescendo, leaving me broken and battered. They combine into a devastating dance of obsession, fear, and loneliness; the movements mesmerizing in their passion, and stupefying in their horror (I’ll never apologize for being queer and dramatic; it’s simply my nature). Why does this happen? What wrath have I incurred to make my every waking thought a jumble of anxiety and stress? It might be due to my childhood; the emotional unavailability of my parents whose early experiences outpace mine on required therapy hours. It may be genetic, as more and more studies seem to demonstrate a biological correlation. Or it could just be my everlasting luck, which always seems to run out right when I need it most. Despite what most of society would have you believe, I’m not convinced that understanding the origin will change the outcome. I spent many years in therapy learning the roots of why I am the way I am; why I function as I do. I have been through a few different therapists - all great in their own right until I would get to the dreaded question following a few weeks of counseling: “I understand that A is from B and B is from C; I understand the tools I can use when experiencing these feelings; I understand that healing is not linear and things take time. What I do not understand is how to fundamentally change my thinking so I will not be this way anymore. How do I stop it?” Each and every time, I was met with more suggestions on how to cope, ways to distract myself, and things to placate my “abnormality.” All of this is not to say therapy is bad or cannot help someone in my position, but it is to say that maybe my expectations needed adjusting. OCD and Autism are not akin to disease of the body (in the traditional sense). They are not something to be cured and forgotten. They are parts of me whether I choose to accept it or not. They are the way my brain views the world, processes information, and understands my experiences. Maybe they are neither good nor bad, black nor white, but just there. Maybe I just need to learn to live with that. Midnight-fueled internet rabbit holes and articles written by similarly diagnosed peers are the only railings in sight keeping me from tumbling over the edge, and I will be forever grateful for the community we find in the loneliness.

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, he’s the best but of course we have had our struggles but he’s only ever treated me amazing. I keep seeing tik toks of “leave the guy you are dating in your 20s” or “Leave when you thought about it the first time” and it may sound stupid but it was stressing me out to the point of tears. I think I have ROCD, because i never would’ve come close to the idea of breaking up with him without social media and the thing is i don’t want to at all or feel like i should. does this make sense? anyone else in the same boat? i could use some advice

Sometimes I get this feeling & the feeling encompasses what it would feel like to like someone romantically I guess. I’m freaking out bc I love my partner. What’s wrong with me? I guess with ROCD feelings are not evidence. And I should move on?

Recently, ocd attached itself to my boundaries and preferences making me atuck in a cycle of “is this mine or iis it aomeone else’s boundary/preference because I do not want to disappoint them?” I came to final conclusion that hey this is both me and the external factor. So boundary/preference is mine (I talked with chat gbt about this to sort mt thoughts). And basically I tried imagining being with a man who is opposite of my preference and man…I couldn’t. It either went to consequences of someone not accepting (external factor) but I genuinely tried imagining myself with that kind of a man in a relationship without any consequences and I couldn’t. Like I just couldn’t. I tried but I couldn’t. I would either stop the imaginary story real quick or I would feel my body just reacting as a no. So it is a no. And that is how I came to conclusion that this is mine boundary/preference that comes from me not wanting and just agreeing to the external factors. I guess I am just trying to make sure that this makes sense why not. Also, I feel the best (like safest, most good) with setting this boundary/preference. Not setting it feels…no. Just no. I don’t feel good or safe with it (safe as in comfortable and good). Also, I compared it to other times when I wanted something but I was afraid of rejection too, I remember wanting it and clearly being scared of the rejection. In this case, this is not the same. And that is how I also realized further that hey, I do jot actually want this. Also, this was an ocd obsession. Helped me learn new vocabulary and learn something about boundaries and that they can be made of many factors. However, the boundary/preference stayed the same. I do not actually want this.

Crazy how 4 months ago I didn’t remember any of the memories I worry ab now (esp the one I posted ab a couple of days ago) and now it’s all I can think about. I feel like i’m just in some serious denial, there’s too much proof. That memory just makes it even worse. Ik it’s been gone for years but i just want my attraction/libido back. Like FULLY back. Prior to SOOCD I would literally foam at the mouth looking at boy bands Ik that has to mean something 😭. I found my boyfriend attractive before the numbness and ocd took over again. I’m just so tired. I hope the meds make things easier for me. I’m so worried that I’ll have to breakup with my bf if this continues. I was looking forward to this relationship but now I feel like a liar, esp bc of how ocd messed with me in the beginning of it. It makes me feel like I never truly liked him. He doesn’t deserve someone like me. He deserves someone completely sure about who they are and their feelings/attraction for him. If it ends up getting to a point where I can’t get better, and I feel like I need to breakup with him, I’m afraid he won’t even want to be my friend afterwards. I really do cherish the friendship we have/had. He’s literally the only person who stuck by me. He would remember my birthday and bring me gifts even when we would rarely talk bc of school (mostly depression for me I’m bad at texting ppl). He would go out of his way to call me EVEN when I was mean to him for a while (not an excuse but I was v depressed and wanted to be left alone). Everything just haunts me now. What happened in that memory wasn’t normal for a straight girl😭but i know for a fact I never was attracted to my friend. She was my best friend at the time, and I knew her since elementary school, but I never felt those crush feelings for her. Like being with her in a romantic way or doing ANYTHING with her had never crossed my mind, even AFTER that whole tingly groinal response incident. I just remember being confused, uncomfortable, and scared because I literally felt nothing for her in that way. I don’t know if it was bc I was uncomfortable, focusing on the fact that she was sitting on my groin, had an image pop up in my head (cant rmbr exactly), felt pressure on my groin, if it was my undiagnosed OCD mind at work (i did had some weird random groinal responses w other things), or that I thought the position was sexual and was just stiff and weirded out, but I just want it to leave me alone 😭. When SOOCD was giving me a break I literally felt almost cured, I just needed my attraction and libido back. My boyfriend started waking it up again. But even then I was still numb and my compulsions/ocd was still clawing for control, making me feel nothing sometimes. Now that my attraction is numbed/dulled towards my bf I just feel frustrated. There’s times like today where I can feel it for like a couple seconds n my mind ks back in numb mode. He sent me pictures and I felt a dull “oh he’s cute” but it lasted for a minute bc I felt so aware (if that makes sense). Then I started to get thoughts about “forcing” those feelings. I just don’t know anymore. All ik is that my prozac BETTER work so I can have an easier time following through on my erp. I need a break…6 years and this shit is still not over.

I had a crush on this person for a while and we started seeing each other, and we had a good time he invited me to a hardcore concert and I told him that i have OCD (harm and POCD) and my thoughts are starting to target him which ruined it, and i explained to him everything and told him that i like him but i do need some time to myself to recover until we see each other again, they truly are the sweetest and most amazing person i’ve met, is this a wise a decision i just don’t want to hurt them, and i would like to spend more time together, but i feel like i don’t deserve such kindness because of my monstrous thoughts.