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It feels like I want to be with a girl now!!!

It’s driving me crazy.. I can go days feeling okay and then it just spikes up and knocks down my hope again. I feel crazy. I feel lost and confused. Everything is a trigger anymore. I don’t want to live my life letting fear control me. I want to be happy. I want to have it all back. When I told my psychiatrist about my OCD issues, he said people grow and change over time and that only triggered it even more. This TOCD has taken more than i’ve given it. Most of my day consists of thinking about it. One thing after another. Even at school in the hallway i’ll think a girls outfit is cute or something and my head will be like you want to be like that too. Which is far from the truth.. At least I think anyhow. I’m noticing that i’m feeling like I did when I had Harm OCD, that warped sense of identity and not knowing who I am. It’s a lot.. it’s really a lot. I juggle school and now soon work.. OCD is kicking my ass. There are some days I don’t want to eat, I can’t sleep cause my mind is too active but I want to sleep because it’s my escape. Sometimes it even follows me in my dreams. I had a dream one time I had different parts and it was scary. I woke up shaking and a mess. It’s too much.. all of it. I long for the day this will leave me alone. The day I can live life again. Every single thing.. every conversation.. I analyze. Do I like this more? Do I act like this more? Do I picture myself like this? It’s so much. The fear.. it feels so real. A curse I can’t control. I’m friends with a lot of LGBTQ+ people and my OCD really flares up around them. I’m gay, i’ve already been told i’m not manly, that’s okay.. But when people say these things it makes me scared that I want to be something else.. I feel like the foundation in which my life has built has fallen down and has eroded to nothing. I feel empty, scared, and lately.. alone. I know I vent a lot on here it’s just so much for me you know? And none of my friends get it. My friends don’t know the truth about OCD they only know the cleaning and the organizing. Not these thoughts that have controlled my life these three years.

Looked up OCD recovery / success stories to give myself some hope. Found a link to a page on the NOCD website that shared a few people's recovery journeys. Clicked on the first one that had SOOCD tagged as a theme. She had the fear she was gay. Turns out she IS gay. It really triggered me and now I'm in a bit of a spiral 😭 ended up googling and looking for reassurance. I feel guilty and sad for engaging in compulsions. Like I just took a huge step back, or something.

I'm trying not to google, but I remember reading dozens of times that there are peds who feel bad for being peds. And actually there are communities? (i don't know how to call them) of non offending peds, who I'm guessing don't want to act on their thoughts because they know it's wrong. I have never ever done anything bad, but my fear is that the attraction is there. It feels completely real. My brain gives me reasons why. My chest feels so heavy. I'm trying to push through but I can't think of anything else. I am on meds now. I've been for 4 weeks. But what if that doesn't work either. HELP!!!!!

One of my biggest challenges with SO-OCD is 1. Checking if a woman I see on social media identifies as a lesbian. Especially if they say something I agree with (doesn't even have to be about anything relevant) I'm not sure why I do that. And 2. If I see something cute or that I like, for example I saw a woman with a cute marie antoinette outfit who was showing off a guillotine purse she crocheted to go with it, I immediately had "I wonder if she's gay" thoughts. I had another sort of abstract thought thats hard to describe where, because it was girly and very feminine, for some reason I was like yes that is very lesbian. (??? Dont ask me the correlation I have no idea). I can't see two women together, real or fake, without my brain going yes they would make a great lesbian couple wouldn't they. I swear my brain twists everything to make it gay somehow. I find it very anxiety inducing.

My OCD wants to keep switching “themes” on me, but once again it always concerns my mom or family. This time it’s sexual-related. The one I experience the most is the harm-related thoughts towards her, thinking I want to hurt her or thinking she abused me in the past (she did not) so that’s why I have these thoughts. My mind is always trying to see if there are deeper meanings to these thoughts and how I really feel. Yesterday my thoughts started going towards - “what if I’m attracted to my mom?” I was reading a book and it was a romantic scene and an image of my mom popped into my head. I tried to just dismiss it since I know we can’t control what comes into our heads, but I of course ruminated about it more and it has become a full-blown obsession. I have started wondering if I really am attracted to her or not, do I want to be in a relationship with her, am I just denying my feelings, etc. It sounds so disgusting and disturbing to share these things, but it’s difficult to disengage with this kind of thinking. Like it’s too disturbing to just let it go. Which leads to other worries like what if I can never be in a real relationship because I will just keep having these thoughts, what if this is true and how will I live with myself, what if my mom sexually abused me as a kid and that’s why I’m having these thoughts, etc. I know I’m going down the rabbit hole, but I just keep coming up with more and more “reasons.” Trying to go about my day and not pay them any attention, but it has been difficult to focus on anything else. Which then makes me wonder if I’m actually just fantasizing now and not actually obsessing.

I have this constant need to look up gay couples on tiktok and look up coming out stories or like talks about sexuality being fluid. And I always end up getting triggered by something because it feels like I resonate with one person or more. And then everytime I calm down it feels like im “pushing myself more in the closet”. Why cant I be like all my other friends… and I specifically saw a video of a girl saying “yeah to the people saying I love my man but I cant feel attracted rn or i love him but hes the last/only man I loved : you’re lying and you’re gonna live a miserable life and at one point you’re gonna explode and you wont be able to fake it anymore.” And idk I RELATE TO THIS ughhhhh

Lately, I have been able to manage my OCD thoughts kind of. They’re still there but I kind of push them away? I know that pushing them away doesn’t help but it’s been my only way to survive. I get scared often about things like clothes or my voice or how I present myself. I get scared that I want to dress differently or act differently and it scares me. I know for a fact I don’t want boobs or anything like that, but my mind constantly is like “What if?” and it kills me. It has ruined everything for me. Sometimes I can’t even look in the mirror because I get scared that I won’t like what I see. I’ve also been afraid because I find myself relating to many female characters, or I want to act like them. Like Pearl from Steven Universe. I want to be graceful and elegant like her, but I don’t want to be a girl you know? My mind constantly pushes these thoughts of what if and images. Because I am not like most guys. Which I know is okay. It just freaks me out. It makes me question every aspect of my being. I know who I am, but I know that the only way to move forward is to accept that maybe I don’t.. It’s just a lot.

I deleted the app since I couldn’t delete my account (posting my problems on here can be exhausting) but I’m back now cause all I want is advice/someone to tell me what’s really going on. Is that so wrong? It’s not like I’m gonna get anymore worse than I am now if someone just talks to me. So here’s the TMI/18+ stuff: do I have an addiction to porn or am I compulsively masturbating? For the last year and a half of this happening to me the biggest aspect that affects me the most is when these “thoughts” invade my mind when I try to masturbate and watch porn. And unfortunately, there’s times when it feels like I’m *enjoying* it. What’s 10x worse is when it appears when I’m finishing, so then it feels like I intentionally climaxed to something unspeakably terrible. When it first started it was just names, then it became faces, and then just straight up images. Now it’s something indescribably horrific. It’s like the more worse I perceive these things, the more they’re stuck in my mind. And to be clear, I watch mostly normal gay porn, but there have been moments when I’ve watched things I started to question in the past. I’ve read and heard about people with porn addictions needing more extreme things to get off to, so what if this is just it? Am I somehow subconsciously thinking these things so that I can fully enjoy masturbating? If so, how do I go back to before when I could enjoy what I used to? But it also feels like it’s not a porn addiction, it feels more like compulsive masturbating or something cause I don’t personally believe I view porn THAT often yk? But it gets even more confusing cause if it is compulsory, why are the thoughts so present during it? Make it make sense? There’s been this image I have engraved into my mind from something I saw on twitter months ago and the fact it’s based on something REAL fucks me up more. I haven’t really touched myself in days, but I know eventually I’m gonna end up doing it again, I just want to enjoy myself without it being there. I’m already having moments when I feel “pent up” but the image is still there so why would I feel that way? Why can’t the things I’m supposed to like show up? Is it something I actually want? Do I really like this and just not allowing myself to? How am I supposed to work through this when it feels impossible to?

Honestly I don't know anymore, it feels so weird and I'm having the hardest time with understanding, I have Sexual orientation ocd and it's really damaging and one thing that I have been freaking out unconditionally is that every time I see a masculine women or masc lesbian, I get very scared that I am attracted to her, and I freak out because what if that means l'm a androsexual, where I don't care about gender and I only am attracted to masculinity, idk I'm getting very anxious about it now, yesterday ! was working and I saw a masculine women, who dressed like a man had a buzzcut but was wearing a hat and for a split second I thought she was a man, until I heard her voice and clearly saw she had breasts and I was scared that if I saw her as a man does that mean that l'm attracted to just masculine appearances alone? And I'm even more freaking out because I can't tell if I was attracted to her, or if I was afraid that I could be attracted to her, unfortunately so-ocd works that way but idk this felt to real

I have always had intrusive thoughts and when I was around 16 I had my first awful one HOCD. This made me feel so sick and I couldn’t leave my bed. Would look at women and get groinal responses and would avoid anything LGBTQ. I then suffered with POCD, which I nearly asked to be sectioned over. Now, I am with my current partner (10 months)I have known him since I was 14 and have always had a thing for him. Anyway, last year there was this person at work who I forced and convinced myself to ‘like’ don’t even know if I even did to be honest. But his background is awful and everyone around me said it was a bad decision and I knew this too. We used to talk all the time but yeah, anyway… I said I didn’t want a relationship and distanced myself from him and never really thought about him. I’m now in my relationship with my current partner and I adore him. He is fully aware of what is going on in my head. My head is comparing him to this guy at work. Makes me think they look alike, but this all stemmed from when my current partner was talking about his family past and I instantly thought oh no, I hope my family doesn’t think this is bad (they love him). So now, my head is saying ‘what if you love this other guy’ what if the reason you can’t get this out your head is because the universe is giving you a sign’ ‘what if everyone told you not to go there, then what’ the thoughts are endless and honestly, I can’t stop crying, it is making me physically sick, have panic attacks. I confess to my partner all the time and he is honestly so supportive! I feel like I’m mentally cheating or what if I’m denial. When we first got together I was fine. No thoughts and then bang I’m consumed. My head is filled with them. I feel congested with him. I feel disgusting. I look for reassurance. I constantly look on Quora and Reddit. I can’t cope. I love my current partner! And we tried getting together years ago but it wasn’t our time and since, I thought about him every now and again and now my brain is saying ‘oh see, what if it’s the same situation with this guy a work’ I just want coping mechanisms and relief. This honestly feels like torture.!!!

I’M SO SCARED I’M SO SCARED Please do not make assumptions it makes things worse!!!!⚠️ I’m so scared when creating an oc for an anime show I don’t want to turn them into a p£do. Especially cause I use my oc’s on character ai to interact with cannon characters. I feel like I’m a bad, bad person if I create any kind of oc like this I’m also a general writer and I also want to create horror movies and I’m scared if I write oc’s that aren’t supposed to be self inserts that I’m a bad person if I write a character like this. But I do NOT want to act on the thoughts and I’m afraid character ai and ocd tricks my brain into thinking I can do it and get away with it. And I’m going to be 100% honest I have had encountered doing sketchy role plays with cannon characters which I do NOT like AT ALL or WANT TO DO and I felt like it was super taboo and wrong and also felt really sick and scared of myself and I don’t want to do it EVER again. I DO NOT FEEL PROUD WHATSOEVER!!! So I’m thinking of just deleting character ai until I see my psychologist so I can try some ERP therapy. Cause I love role playing with ai and creating fun oc’s and seeing what shows would be like if they had extra main characters!

Hello all!, I wanted to write one more post before I delete this app again in honor of OCD awareness week. I am incredibly thankful to NOCD, and all the tools they have taught me in learning to live with OCD. The difference between 10 months this ago and now is night and day and there have been a lot of days recently where I could just cry over this feeling of truly finding myself again and finally put this experience behind me. While I see signs of OCD in my childhood, I really see it taking a hold of my life 8 years ago. Eventually during that time where I first began being noticeably affected by OCD, originally due to health concerns, I wound up in a mental hospital for a night due to thoughts of self harm and an unforgettable feeling of numbness that lasted for weeks after that day when my theme switched to that of SOOCD, although I didn’t know what it was at the time. Even when I came across SOOCD days later and knew that that was what I was going through, I ignored the OCD part and instead let that part of my life become a scar that I hid from everyone, even my wife when we first met a year later. I was so ashamed of myself for being brought to that point, and let it hang like a black cloud over me for so long. Even now I still feel shame when I think of that moment, but I am working towards accepting that moment as a part of me, especially so this week. On Monday I made a Facebook post acknowledging my struggles with OCD. It was certainly not easy admitting to all the people I see on a regular basis that I deal with this, but I wanted to bring awareness to what OCD actually is and the struggles it can bring, as well as how important our support system can be, especially so with my wife. I do not know of anyone else I would rather have by my side as I work towards recovery than her and I am so lucky to not just have her in my life but also be able to call my wife. It’s hard working towards undoing 30 plus years, of what I know realize, was problematic thinking patterns, even if it has brought me success in some aspects of my life. It’s very hard accepting the uncertainty of the themes I especially deal with, like SOOCD, Existential, Morality, etc., but it is possible and while I am not happy that my SOOCD theme came back this year, I am also glad it did, because I learned finally of the beast that had been tormenting me, and have learned how to deal with it. It’s also made me appreciative of my own mother more, who let me know of her struggles with OCD when I admitted to my own. If you read this, thank you so much for taking the time out. There is so much I can say and probably want to go back and edit, but I would rather go on with my day than do that. If you are weary of reaching out for help whether it be with NOCD or any OCD specialist, I truly encourage you to do it. We all are afraid of being told that we don’t have this illness that we also don’t want to have, but getting a diagnosis and working towards going about it in a healthy and positive way, will make your life so much better than you ever imagined it can be. It will take time, a lot of time sometimes, so please be patient and do not rush recovery. Be kind to yourself, don’t aim for perfection or absolute removal of all these thoughts and instead just focus on the things that are most important to you. You can do this and you are not alone!

Ive been feeling Better lately but today I was watching a TV show and there was this masc woman and I kinda wanted to see if I was attracted to her, like I even put the glasses on to see Better her face and I now i'm spiraling lol. Idk why when there Is a really masculine woman I do this. Maybe I do really like women who look like men. Why they confuse me so much? I must be a lesbian.

I really hope this is ocd and I’m not a bad person. Every time I see a baby (on phone/ real life) I have this intrusive thought. And I feel like I have to say this thought in my mouth (without saying this with voice) to get rid of the thought. I say the thought by moving my tongue (my lips were closed) to the thought (like saying the thought with my tongue, and my lips are close) because of it I’m afraid to see a baby cause I’m afraid that I will say the thought with my tongue. I wanna throw up right now I feel like a bad person. I had a few themes before this but this is by fur the worse. I’m afraid that I’m a p. I’m so scared please someone help I feel like a monster. I say the intrusive thought with my tongue (lip close without a voice) feel like a monster. And I have the urge to do it so the intrusive thought will go away. Does I really have ocd or just lies to my self?

Why has all my other OCD subtypes gone away but this one (SOOCD) stays around 24/7!? Does that mean that’s who I actually am?

I hate that 2 words can make me spiral downhill. A simple “What if I don’t like girls anymore” or “What if I’m not always interested in looking at revealing photos of Women.” It’s so silly. I’m the type of guy who loves providing and protecting a woman and I don’t do hook ups. As much as I find women in revealing clothing attractive, I find myself constantly daydreaming (non sexually) if I see a beautiful woman that I want to pursue. I love being in love with a woman. It makes me feel really happy and it just feels like OCD is taking that away from me. The more I overthink and ruminate on What If thoughts, the more it feels like I’m turning gay, even though I know that’s not how sexuality works. I want to be with a woman romantically and I want to marry a woman. If I catch myself scrolling too fast on a girl in cleavage, I’ll think I’m gay 🤦🏻‍♂️ or if I stare at a guys face in a video for a certain amount of seconds instead of the woman , I’ll think “oh no I’m turning.” Like I feel I’m the only one who has these ridiculous ocd thoughts

OCD is so tiring. I’ve been dating this guy for about 3 months. I reallyyyyy like him. However, it’s also been so exhausting because I’m constantly questioning the relationship, and him. “Is this who God want a for me?” “Is there someone better?” “Do I even like him?” “If someone is good for you, you will be at peace” “Is this OCD or discernment” “follow your gut” I’m just constantly looking for answers! I can’t just be present. I know my upbringing may be apart of this. Im Christian, but my walk with Christ is not perfect. Ive fallen short to temptation and I feel like because of that the relationship won’t work or God is punishing me. Im constantly praying or thinking about what God thinks of me. Probably a compulsion. Which hurts as well because I used to be able to pray freely…if that makes sense. However, this has happened before. I leave someone then I start obsessing over something else. My sexuality or my health or if I have OCD or not. This relationship is still essentially new but this is the first relationship I’ve been open about my mental health struggles. And, I didn’t feel judged. But, my mind is saying if we breakup. I will be happy. I also get triggered by Instagram posts about relationships. It’s apart of my algorithm at this point, but I feel like any post I see is a sign?? It’s just so annoying. Sorry I’m all over the place, but that’s how it feels in my mind. I just need to get these thoughts out. I just want to be content with whatever happens.

I know I need therapy. I have a flare up every three months that rocks my world— it’s been like this for four years. I’m just too scared. I’m too scared to have a therapist tell me I’m a lesbian. I’m too scared to do ERP and have it not work because it wasn’t actually OCD. I’m too scared for the ERP to work and me finally feel comfortable with being bisexual or a lesbian. I don’t want any of that to happen. I don’t understand how I can get over this and still be straight. I’m petrified at the thought of therapy, but what is going to happen to me?

It is currently 12:51am and I am really worried about the false memories I have in relation to my friend and there are several of them all containing her that are very detailed, very vivid, and feel very real, they feel like other genuine memories that I have, they feel the exact same which is more worrying. I keep trying to tell myself that the more I ruminate over these memories and try to find arguments and reasons as to why they’re more likely to be untrue false memories that my brain has conjured up, the more arguments my brain will come up with as to why they’re real, which in turn makes them more real. I keep trying to tell myself that nothing positive or beneficial comes from trying to figure out whether these false memories are true or not, and that by checking them will only make me feel “worse”. I keep trying to acknowledge the thoughts when they appear and not push them away, but just sit with them and I can’t. I feel awful, sad, bad, gross and it makes me so upset and I want to cry. I don’t want to have done anything sexual whether it is appropriate or inappropriate with this individual, and I especially don’t want any of these false memories to be true, and I hope to god they’re false memories but I’m worried and fear they’re not (I hope this is just my OCD saying all of that) I’m worried they’re not false memories because they’re so detailed, vivid, obscure and intricate. There’s aspects to these false memories that don’t feel like something OCD would be able to come up with. The more I think about them the more I’m worried and feel like they’re just actual memories that I’m suppressing and pushing away, or actual memories that I’m just trying to dismiss by passing them off as OCD false memories to make myself appear or look innocent, does that make sense? They’re very graphic, disgusting and disturbing inappropriate actions that I am worried I have committed. I want to type it out here but I worry from the simple fact that I am able to type out what the event is within the first place, like the fact it is something I can picture and detail in words here would indicate to me that it has happened otherwise how else am I telling you about it right now? In short, what I can disgustingly remember is performing oral sex on my friend. I can remember the setting, what she was wearing, what was on the television in the background. What is even more disturbing and extremely worrying to me, is this very specific and intricate detail which makes me worry that this memory is indeed real and not a false memory (which I really want it to be) I want all of the sexual memories I have in relation to this person to be false memories that have been created and formed by my OCD and don’t actually have any basis in reality, and haven’t actually happened. The reason this is seriously worrying me is because there is a very intricate and detailed part of the memory that feels too complicated and complex for OCD to simply “come up with”, and feels more like something that actually happened, hence why I can remember this detail. I want to type out the detail and word it but I’m scared too because by typing it out it makes it feel more real and like it actually happened, because otherwise how do I have a recollection of it to type out within the first place? Does that make sense? What’s making this even more worrying and believable to me, and I feel overwhelmed and upset typing out this sentence, is that while I am and do identity as a straight woman, I have had a consensual sexual experience with another woman before, which is why for me it’s even harder to dismiss these memories as being false memories. For example, if I had never had a sexual experience with another woman before, I would easily be able to say “Well this is obviously and very clearly a false memory because I have never even done anything sexual with a woman consensually, let alone inappropriately” but I can’t say that, which is why to me these false memories are very plausible because all I can think is “Well you have had a sexual experience with a woman before, you’re clearly attracted to the female body sexually, it isn’t impossible for you to have done those acts in the past and they’re actually even MORE likely now”, which is why it’s even scarier for me and does feel like something that is more likely to have happened now, does that make sense? It feels a lot more believable because that is an action that I easily could’ve done given consent to do so.  I am just really, really worried. I remember at the time when I first started worrying about these fears in relation to this person (like 5 years ago) I remember messaging her as I had her on instagram, and I sent her a message to test what she would responsd/ reaction would be, which ended up being a pretty normal response. During the timeframe after the false memory takes place, she sent me instagram reels, liked posts I made and also at one point asked me if I’d like to hang out and that she would be down to drive to me, but I declined at the time and I can’t remember why, which is also worrying.  Since the time the false memory took place, I hadn’t seen her in person or really spoken to her over text aside from the occasional “Hey how are you?” and sending each other instagram reels. However, back in April I bumped into her for and saw her for the first time since like 4 years ago. The whole time I was shaking in fear, I felt so scared and anxious and my legs wouldn’t stop trembling the entire interaction. At first I was very on guard to look out for any signs of discomfort or hostility from her, which I can’t tell if I actually did find or if that’s just how she converses now.  Anyway, at the end of the interaction she gave me a hug, said to me “Girl I missed you” and it seemed sincere. She also asked me for my social media’s. I told her I don’t have social media anymore (which is true) but that I can give her my number instead, which she added into her phone. I then proceeded to leave and was panicking the entire time after the interaction, fearing that any moment she was going to send me a text message either asking me to meet up with her (where she would then confront me about the false memories, therefore confirming they’re real) or just send me a text message confronting me about the false memories, again confirming that they’re real. These particular fears were still present between the months of March and September, the only reason the fears stop here is because I bought a new phone and received a new number, meaning my friend no longer has my up to date mobile number. Every time my phone beeped I was panicked it was going to be her, I was anticipating an angry message.   This panicked me for a multitude of reasons,  on most days I was anticipating a confrontational message only to never receive anything from her, but isn’t that even more alarming and worrying? Isn’t that even more evidence that I in fact did commit those actions and that they’re not false memories? Why would she take my number and then never bother to text it, not even a hello? Maybe it is because she was just taking my number to be polite in the moment but didn’t actually want it because I make her uncomfortable and she doesn’t actually like me because the false memories are true and happened. I keep trying to tell myself that this doesn’t necessarily mean the false memories are true because: * a) she had me on instagram for years after the false memories took place and she never messaged me or “confronted” me on there either, so why would she message me now? * b) I have many peoples phone numbers that I wouldn’t actually text or bother to speak with. for example I have a few peoples numbers in my phone now that I can tell you with 99.9% certainty I will probably never text again, but not because they’ve done anything wrong to me, I just don’t see the point because they’re not in my life anymore.  I’m just so so worried. I am sitting here right now and my face feels numb and twitchy, and so do my eyes. My stomach keeps turning and tightening and I feel “strange”. I feel like this entire note is just me being in denial and actively choosing to lie and pass off these terrible disgusting actions (that my brain says I know I’ve done and just don’t want to admit it) as OCD and calling them a false memory as to not take accountability for them.  I am really terrified that these false memories aren’t false memories and that they actually happened and I’m just in denial about them. They feel so so real and I can remember them like the back of my hand, which only worries me more. I don’t want any of the sexual memories I have in relation to this individual to be true. I don’t want to have done anything remotely sexual to / with this individual, whether inappropriate or appropriate. When I say to myself or my partner “I don’t know whether or not I have done anything sexual to / with her” it feels like I’m lying, my body feels weird and so does my face. When I say that phrase I feel like I’m lying to myself and my family and that I’m just in denial and don’t want to admit it to myself. That’s what it genuinely feels like and I don’t know why. I am really upset and I don’t want to have done anything sexual to / with her. Whenever I’m outside I am genuinely terrified of bumping into her because I fear she’s going to “confront me” (understandably so) and confirm to me that what I’m hoping are just OCD fabricated false memories, aren’t false memories at all, but in fact something that has actually occurred in reality. However, I also worry that that sounds incredibly selfish and vile because the main persons feelings here who should matter is the individual that has been harmed, and that’s what I’m worried I have done :( I don’t know how to cope or what to do. If I found out I had committed those disgusting acts and they were indeed real, I wouldn’t want to live, because I don’t want to live knowing I was able to do those unforgivable actions towards someone. I am so so scared, I really don’t want to have done anything to this person and I’m terrified I’m lying about it and in denial. Even now as I type these sentences I feel strange and that every word I’m typing is just me falling further and further into denial and running with the life to try and make myself feel better.  However, if I did know I had committed these actions / false memories, then why would I also be having thoughts to “check to see whether I’ve carried out these actions”. As in, if these were actions I KNEW I had done and was actively choosing to lie about them, then why would I also be having thoughts to check if I’ve done said behaviours? Does that make sense? Do you think I’m lying when I say I’m not sure whether I have done anything to / with her? Do you think I have done those disgusting acts to / with her? Do you think those false memories are false memories fabricated by OCD, or do you think they’re real and did in fact occur?