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I tried to get better but still have intrusive thoughts, which feel real. But I'm not more anxious than before but get a little panicked. My brain feels like "normal". Idk what to do

Once when i was very high and had a disturbing graphic intrusive image, and then while being high feeling as if i were really a p***. Once when i was travelling with my mum on the station i saw a little girl stretching and i got triggered badly because I noticed the "curves" of a literal c*, then in church i was surrounded by triggers, but i had to stay there because it was an important moment for my mother. then after i exited from church i noticed ij my left another trigger from far away and i had to check if i had seen right, because my eyes saw an inaproppriate part, and i kept looking in that direction instead of looking away. then when i hang out with my friends i saw a trigger and obsessed about the chance that i might have looked at it inaproppriately at the lower part, asking myself why i kept staring in that direction, and i had to check but that translates that I was actively searching for the triggering lower part of the body to see if it was noticeable? Absolutely sickening. And then when i saw what I was looking for I got triggered and felt like it was a proof that i was a p***. and today i saw a very triggering reel where a little girl was skating, and I kept staring at the video shocked of what my eyes were seeing. These all feel like unquestionable proofs that I could be a ****. I wish I could erase what my eyes saw. I wish I didn't have this problem. Staring ocd and pocd is a destructive pair. I will sit in distress, trying not to think about this. But I really want to punish myself for these things and wish i could just lock myself in my room. But have duties to do and i can't let my mum worry again. It's too much. Nothing can change my actions, the fact itself that I stared at an inaproppriate part of the body of a literal c* and all the things that come with it is unforgivable and abonimable. Regardless of the fact that it is ocd's fault, which I'm starting to believe that it isn't and that it's just me being in denial. Why did I stare? Was I attracted? I want none of this. I wish I could be normal and have normal problems. There is no break to ocd, every day there is a new trigger. I want to sleep forever without dreams.

I was exiting from highschool with my friend and these 2 girls passed in front of us. I felt like I saw their lower area with my peripheral vision. The thing is that they looked a bit younger than me even though I didn't see their faces, but I reassured myself thinking that I didn't do that voluntarily and that just because I saw a b*tt doesn't mean that I was attracted, I just felt that way because in my mind that part of the body is something innapropriate and immoral so it automatically assumes that I had malicious perverted intentions. This was the day after I went to the psychiatrist (who is not an ocd specialist but still understands it a bit) where I talked about these similar triggering events that keep happening to me: the staring ocd. Abt how I feel like I'm always staring at k*** lower parts even when I'm not doing that, and of how, when I check to see if I saw what I saw correctly or if I was just mistaken, I end up doing the very thing I don't want to do. I asked him if it was real attraction or if it was my brain convincing me that I'm a **** because in my mind "b**t = inappropriate and immoral part", so it automatically assumes that I had bad intentions. He answered that it was the latter, but I don't know. For example if my teacher were to lean and I would happen to saw her lower area it wouldn't mean that I'm actually attracted just because I noticed something obvious in front of me. But things change a lot when it involves pocd stuff, with staring ocd compulsions where you choose actively to check those lower areas. And the pondering question is: did I do that because I was attracted or it something explainable on ocd terms? My psychiatrist often triggers me with his remarks and I misunderstand him a lot because he is not clear with his answers. Something he said that triggered me a lot in our previous appointments was that "people can feel attraction even looking at inappropriate part of k**s, but that doesn't make them bad as long as they don't partake in action". Since he said that I'm afraid that I could have been attracted by what I saw, and that I kept staring not because of an ocd compulsion but because I was attracted... and if this were to be true I can't leave with myself. But the hypothesis that I could have been attracted seems very real and logical. This is the same psychiatrist who diagnosed me with ocd, but after I told him that I thought I had it, I don't how much that is valid. When I returned from school I saw this little girl that was at least 100 meters away, but since it was trigger my senses alerted. Even though it was so far away that it wasn't visible I felt like I looked at her b*tt when I actually didn't. And then there was also this other k** and I felt like I stared in its lower area. I kept staring in that direction for some reason instead of looking away like I usually do. Involuntarily staring at triggers lower parts trigger me a lot, but I feel much more disgusting if the trigger is wearing "tight" pants, because I feel like my eyes saw something illegal, so maybe I was checking to make sure that it wasn't the case, and I was right. But still why did I choose to stare in that direction? The staring itself is wrong. I'm sick. This triggered me a lot and I went to sleep to drown these feelings for the entire day. And then many other triggers started to pile up as I was navigating through youtube and instagram. https://youtu.be/SK1FCz4fgS0 under this video there were thirsty comments about this female character and I was thinking how much ethical or right it was to say this kind of stuff. I too noticed what they did, but I don't know if I was attracted or not by what I saw. I don't know how to determine that. I don't know what is attraction in that sense. It is wrong because it's unwanted se&ualization, but as it happens in many videos where girls appear and have "noticeable" private parts people in the comments leave thirsty comments pointing out the "obvious" or writing "what colors was her shirt" and stuff like that and my thought in this matter was "you shouldn't do that, if I were to notice it I'd feel bad because it isn't an inappropriate thing to do, but I guess it is kind of okay as long as the person they're thirsting over is a grown up adult" Then I had a terrible thought: "what if that character was a ***?" People would think same perverted way, but they wouldn't express it in the comments because they know they'd get in trouble. If the inaproppriate part is noticeable then you'll notice it and you would be automatically se&ualizing a minor, and a part from that if you were to feel attraction would that make you a ****? But why would you notice it in the first place? Why would you look in that area in the first place? That is an alarming act itself, to look at ***s. I feel like when I encounter **** I'm not seeing them in their entirety, as a whole, as I do when I see adult people who do not trigger me, but that I'm automatically focusing on the lower part because I'm so obsessed and concerned if I'm staring inaproppriately and se&ualizing so my brain sends distressing signs and has to check to shut down the uncertainty of seeing something right or wrong, but then as I do that I end up in a loop of distress. This thing is fucking me over, and I feel these are enough proofs that I'm a ****. I'm distressed and confused and I feel abonimable. https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cq1sCD8IPV5/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y= I also saw this triggering reel and I'm afraid that what I felt suddenly was attraction and that feeling scared me a lot. It felt like a definitive proof that I'm a ****. I'm a monster for having such abonimable thoughts, and all the things I did are untolerable and unforgivable, I don't deserve understanding and compassion, I'm too far gone. It's over.

I have been seeing a psychiatrist and I feel like he’s doing more harm than good. It’s basically talk therapy during our sessions. He’s been saying that all intrusive thoughts stem from some internal reason and that I’m having these horrific intrusive thoughts because I’m suppressing anger from my life. But I don’t get angry often and have never suppressed any emotion I have ever had in my life. If I have ever been upset or angry about anything I talk it out and then try to move on from it. Which I thought was normal. He’s making me really scared and making me think that I’m having these intrusive thoughts because there is something wrong with me and not my ocd. He is saying that he doesn’t really want to focus on the ocd because he thinks it’s the suppressing thing that I mentioned before. I want to get help for my ocd. He prescribed me medication for my ocd but I don’t want to start it if I’m not getting any help and or relief from our therapy sessions. I’m really scared and anxious and I don’t know how to get help for my terrible intrusive thoughts. Can any give me some advice please? I’m really scared.

I've had ocd since like elementary and I'm now in high school.. I have adhd, tics, dyslexia, anxiety, depression, and clearly ocd.. tbe mix of all these are really hard to deal with, I keep gaining more and more ocd compulsions over time, I have a fixation on somebody because of my ocd and the obsession over the numbers 2 and 4 (especially 2). it messes up the way I literally drink water.. I have wash my hands twice, I HAVE to wash my hands after touching any sort of food even if it isn't messy; im a baker and a cook so it's extremely annoying especially since I want to major in this professionally. I don't allow myself to get into bed unless I've showered because I feel like it'll comantiate my bed and I also won't allow myself to use the bathroom until I get out of school clothes (I don't have an understanding abt this honestly but if I do, do that it feels as if somebody is watching me and it's uncomfortable) I can't have anything I've brought to school like perfume in my bathroom as well because it makes me extremely paranoid for some reason. I find myself not being able to open up about my ocd (there's only 3-4 people I've told and it wasn't really even in depth.. none of them were relatives as well) and when i do share some thoughts i feel like im just being a burden, i jsust want to get help for my ocd so badly . I randomly get these sexual unwanted thoughts about my crush and I feel extremely guilty and gross afterwards, sometimes it's with others that i know.. I'll think about these unexplainable extensial/philosophy questions a lot and it doesn't help that im extremely interested in space so those questions gets worse for me. during when I'm in school I CANT touch my skin except for my nose, the only time when I allow myself to not do this sort-of is when I'm in a class with my crush which is only like 3 or 4 out of 9 classes i dont know why i do this honestly, when I do accidentally touch my skin i have to double tap my nose then flick my hair twice. when I'm on the bus (mostly afternoon) I get like these ocd and tic 'attacks' its so draining. when on the bus, whenever it passes a cenemtary or a house that burned down I have to stay still look up and put my finger on the top of my phone side if i dont do it i feel like itll happen to me or somebody i care dearly about, I also have certain words that trigger my compulsions and they are all dealing with negative stuff if I don't give into the compulsions for this as well I feel like it's going to happen to me/somebody I care about . I always have to avoid the number 1, if I write it I have to overlap the number 2 4 times, and if I say no or type it I have to put "yes" .. I've seen/heard that ocd can be just passed down which basically everybody in my family has ocd so, but also it can be caused because of emotional ,sexual, pshycial abuse & trauma so im curious about if trauma can trigger it to be worsened. i have so many more examples of more compulsions and stuff related to ocd that happens to me but I feel like I've already ranted enough, at the end of the day ocd is extremely extremely draining for me especially with having tics ; I do get confused on what are my tics and what are my ocd compulsions so sorry if that happened again . i wanted to finally open up about stuff

Hi guys! I’ve been trying to figure out how to respond to intrusive thoughts & rumination. I know some things you can say are “so what” or “hmm okay” “maybe”, ect. But what are some other good ones? I’m kind of struggling to understand what it means to fully not engage with a thought. If I have an intrusive thought- I struggle to tell the difference between thought stopping & not letting myself engage. Any tips/ clarification would be much appreciated!

So to anyone out there that may know or have perspective on this matter, I have a question. A lot of my OCD symptoms—the mental compulsions, the intrusive thoughts—focus on whether my work as a biologist (grad student) is valid. I imagine the proper neutralizing statement would be, “My work as a biologist may not be valid, but I am not going to try to know.” However…. As an aspiring scientist, isn’t it my JOB to try to know?? And as I try to know, I knit-pick my work and make myself feel horrible for every little mistake—or even potential mistake. I downplay every success as a fluke, and I have this constant, creeping feeling, that one day—probably sooner than I expect—everyone will find out that I’m really just dumb as bricks. And then I start to wonder if that’s true. Am I just dumb as bricks? So my question for one with experience or perspective on this type of thing is: can OCD play into impostor syndrome? How would I address that without sacrificing the integrity of my work?

As parents, we are very distressed. Our daughter is studying law. She puts in 100% and is one of the star students with very high marks throughout he degree. But she has OCD with perfection. This started a few years back but it is getting worse. She knows all the work in great detail but cannot put her knowledge and thoughts onto paper for her assignments. This causes such stress that she feels her life is ruined and she is useless. She sobs everyday saying she cannot believe this is happening to her. She has delayed various courses to help alleviate the stress but it is not helping. Have any of your therapists encountered this before and can you urgently help. She must finish her qualification for her own benefit. Thanks in advance.

Hi guys Does anyone get intrusive thought like “you’re going to get intrusive thought every time you see this” and then it happens but not all the time.

Basically I told the wrong people my intrusive thoughts and they now have pushed me away. My two cousins won’t talk to me (for this and a host of other reasons). I just miss my family. I wish I never told anyone except my therapist. I could use some support.

i’m going to try to discuss my intrusive thoughts and feelings with her, but i’m afraid that she won’t understand since she’s not an OCD specialist. i’m scared that if i’m truthful, she have to report me or something. any advice??

Are their any Christian’s with ROCD who would want to talk to me? It’s kinda an issue specific to that

I had a good doctor before. She was understanding and she would call me weekly to know how I was doing and we would meet once monthly. Sadly, she had to stop working for some time because of her personal issues. Then, I’ve a new doctor who doesn’t remember who I am, and we have met twice. A doctor who has tried to diagnose me twice, because he doesn’t remember who I am. And a doctor that says that I don’t have OCD because I am not obsessed with cleaning. I told him that I cannot go out to the street without tidying up my room because I feel that if I don’t do it, my day will be a disaster and something tragic will happen, and he replied “It’s good to be that clean”. I am so frustrated. I said that when I am studying I don’t want to stop so that I can eat because if I do it then I feel that I can’t keep studying because I’ve wasted my time and then I am useless and he replied “You are a good student”. He sent my case to the psychiatrist because he doesn’t know how to help me and he told me to keep taking my meds and that is all. Fantastic. He said that my thoughts aren’t normal (I told him my magical thinking thoughts) and that then I should go to the psychiatrist. This is hilarious.

Hello there. So I have harm OCD thoughts about hurting people in general, but they started out as targeted toward my mom, whom I love with all my heart and have a great relationship with. I was starting to feel better after months of struggling, the anxiety associated with the thoughts has lessened. However, the fact the anxiety isn’t as present is freaking me out. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that my meds and ERP are working or if I am becoming okay with the notion of killing people. I keep freaking out because the thoughts about my mom have returned and are really detailed scenarios in which I kill my mom. I don’t want to hurt my anyone, let alone my mom. But every time I tell myself I know i don’t want to do these things, it’s always followed up with, “What if I do want to?” Sometimes my thoughts will even say I want to. But I don’t, but these thoughts come in anyway and I question if I want to no matter how many times I say, “I don’t want to hurt anyone ever.” “What if I’m in denial?” “What if I’m planning?” “Why isn’t there more anxiety like before?” “Am I purposely having these thoughts or are these automatic?” I’m getting really bad suicidal ideations from this because I’m so scared that it is not ocd and I need to take myself out of the equation before I hurt someone. I can’t not say to myself, “I don’t want to hurt anyone ever” because I feel like if I don’t , I’ll suddenly become murderous. I’ve never hurt anyone, I consider myself to be a kind and gentle person, but these thoughts are making me question every aspect of myself. I appreciate any insight anyone may have. I understand this may be triggering to read.

i feel like no matter how hard i try to explain how i am feeling about my current thoughts, im just overthinking everything. if i start to feel bad i get intrusive thoughts that im lying to myself or doing it for attention. its so hard to ask for help when im the inly one having a strong reaction. im not sure if that makes sense but i don’t know what else to do.

whenever there’s somebody in pain, i physically cringe. i scrunch up my face and shut my eyes really tight so i don’t see it, but i’m still scared. today, my mom somehow injured herself, and i’m in the room with her reading my book. before i sat down, she winces from the pain and i feel like i was about to laugh. i told myself i wasn’t, but now i’m really scared. i’m terrified of my mom dying. but i’m even more terrified of what my reaction will be. what if i don’t care? what if i laugh at her when she’s on her death bed. i feel terrible. she’s in pain and i’m so terrified i’m laughing at her and enjoying her suffering. so much so i have to look away from her when she moves. i hate seeing her face when she’s like this.

Hi. my name is Ally, im 18 and im in my last year of high school. i've always been in and out of therapy, but I've never been able to get to the route of the problems i have. I constantly fear talking about things like this, but here i go. -horrible thoughts of things such as rape, pedophilia, beastiality and incest popping into my head randomly (NOT URGES !!!!) and coming up in my dreams. -expecting the worst outcomes -believing that my actions control what will happen next in my life (if i dont do this specific thing, i will die or someone in my family will die) -intrusive thoughts and dreams that feel so real i believe it actually happened. i dont mean to intrude, this is a very safe space for people who suffer with OCD. i just feel i have no where else to turn. does this sound like ocd? something else? please if you can, i cant live thinking and feeling this way anymore, please help me.

Hi! I think I'm struggling with compulsive staring OCD. Before, I had these uncomfortable thoughts of minr but I just got better and now it seems like they are coming back because of an unexpected happening in school. My professor called me to recite and I wasn't able to answer his questions and he said that he thought I was really serious but it seemed like I was just looking at his body. I felt extremely uncomfortable and now I can't just stop thinking about that. Everytime I get to converse with other people, I try so hard to not look at their body parts because it is inappropriate but I always end up looking at it and what if they notice and they feel uncomfortable because of me. I really think that because of that incident, I became really sensitive to these thoughts. And I worry about what if my family, friends, and other people think that I'm a pervert. And I don't want to be a pervert because I know how it feels to be uncomfortable 😭😭 I'm still a college student in the Philippines and I am thinking of opening this up to my parents but I have this fear of what if they misunderstand. Also, I want to try ERP by myself and see if it will improve my situation or not. I really really want to seek help but I don't know how and when. I just want to be able to function normally again. I know that I can overcome this.

I don't know if im just in my phase or this is a mental problem but ive ben exhaused. It already happened for 6 years but i just cant seem to get rid of it. My thoughts keep getting stronger and stronger, they really make me uncomfertable, to the point i stopped eating for a week and just cry in bed. I skipped school and told my parents i was sick. I feel guilty telling my parents because they would think of me as the "imperfect" Child. I told my friends about my conditions but they respond with " I felt that too" " Thats normal" " Ignore them" And they just moved on without helping me. I also started picking my face till all my acne gets iritated, my parents are mad at me for it. I started spending my day by sleeping and playing on my phone, i coulndt care about the outside world anymore baceuse of my stupid intrusive thoughts, i started SH and got so addicted to it, i would find small metal objects and started making marks with it on my left hand. It got to the point where i couldnt handle it anymore and i reached out to my parents but to my surprise, they didnt give me a good respond either. Each time a bad thought comes my heartbeat increases, i started feeling like i was going to throw up, i started crying and loosing my appetite. I can't afford theraphy myself because im just 15, and ive ben reaching for help on any social media platform but nobody noticed me. I just want to end this nightmare of giving into my thoughts and doing the compulsions but it gets really impossible to do it, i always remember my past self being calm and happy unlike now.

This is my first ever post on NOCD and it’s scary but I’ve reached rock bottom recently and I’m struggling to find a way out. I’ve tried talking to family and friends but no one quite understands how I feel or how my OCD affects the way I view the world and certain situations. This post is a long one but I have no idea where else to turn. About three weeks ago I went out drinking with some friends for the day, I got drunk and remember about 90% of my night with the 10% that I didn’t just being random conversation. When I woke up the next day I checked my Snapchat story, this is something I always do after drinking because I worry I posted something when drunk. When I looked everything was normal, so then I went through my Snapchat photos to make sure I hadn’t done anything embarrassing and I came across a video I had taken in the bathroom. TMI warning, but this video was me trying to locate my tampon string as I couldn’t find it and being drunk panicked so used my camera to try and help locate it. I was in a playsuit that I couldn’t remove so had to move the fabric to the side to pee so the video looks like I’m doing something rude to myself when I’m actually not. You can’t see any body parts just the camera pointed at my covered downstairs area as I’m feeling around for my tampon, but if you didn’t know that you’d most probably think I was playing with myself😭 I had no clear memory of taking this video so I panicked thinking what if I accidentally sent it to someone or posted it on my Snapchat story, this false memory/intrusive thought has stuck with me ever since then and has caused me so much distress and panic I’m unable to function. There’s no evidence to support me posting it, no one messaged me, when I asked friends if they’d seen anything they said no, I posted a story asking if anyone had seen any weird activity on my story and those who answered said no, on my Snapchat data there’s no data of me viewing my story at 2am when the video was taken (something I would have had to do in order to delete the video) but due to my fear of my intimate pictures and videos being posted I’ve convinced myself that this is what’s happened. I’m worried someone seen it and screen recorded it, someone will send it to my family, it will stop me from getting a job working with children, people are laughing at me behind my back. Anything you can think of I’ve definitely thought of it and panicked about it. I’ve just never felt an intrusive thought so strongly before, I’ve convinced myself it definitely happened and I have no idea how to get out of this situation as it’s on my mind 24/7. I unfortunately can’t afford therapy at the moment (living in the UK and a full time student) so I was just wondering if anyone has any tips or techniques that might help, I’m honestly quite desperate. I’ve tried just excepting the fact it’s out there but a part of me does not want to except that because I’m not 100% sure it is, I just feel like I’m being bullied by my own head.