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My TOCD is really bad today, I can’t eat anything without throwing up. My panic is just so bad, please any advice?

i feel like i need some perspective. i’ve never been in a successful relationship and it gets hard bc you don’t always remember that relationships have bulk and that there’s hard times. i feel like im being taught that right now bc me and my partner are going through a weird time. anyways im at a place where my thoughts and obsessions have returned. i’ve always questioned if i really like her or really want this relationship and it’s so confusing for me. one day i am so in love with her and worry free the next im constantly questioning. i get these thoughts like do i really love her, what if we don’t get married, what if there is really just something missing and we’re not right, i feel like my ocd and anxiety is warping everything and i genuinely can’t tell or feel anything… it’s makes me so sad and guilty. we’re already going through a weird time it feels like i’ll ruin it bc ive been left in my relationships over my mental health before. i made this weird timeline in my brain where by now (10 months) i should be free of worry and so sure of being in the relationship. these past months ive learned so much about myself and her and being with someone who actually cares that im beginning to trust to give these more messy parts of myself to her. and NOW i feel guilty for that bc it’s taken me this long and so that must mean something lol. like that ive been pretending or stringing her along and that this is not a permanent feeling. so now im all confused and spiraling all the time. any advice is so helpful, im starting with my new therapist friday and im really hoping she will help me too.

TW: toilets, guilt, water, local idiot complains that her toilet isn't flushing properly and it causes her mental pain Hi everyone. For many years I have been struggling with contamination OCD. The worst trigger for me is stuff involving toilets and water/water droplets. I hate using toilets so much, especially public automatic flushing ones because of the fear of sitting in toilet water droplets and the dreaded toilet plume. Toilets in general disgust me so much. The last time I used a public bathroom, I felt like I couldn't use my home bathroom or touch anything at home until I took a shower and washed everything. I feel very embarrassed and guilty because I spend so much money washing myself and using so much soap and water. I recently moved into a new place that I will be staying in for many years due to my personal and financial situation, and the toilet used to always flush and leave little water droplets on the seat where I sit after, even with the lid closed. I have found a way to reduce this from happening but it's 50/50 whether or not I will see water on the seat every time I flush. I always open the lid and check the seat if the toilet to see if there are water droplets. If there are, I have to spend so much time cleaning the toilet with soap, then disinfectant, and then wiping it down and flushing it again until I get a "clean flush." I feel so awful and ashamed because I finally have my own bathroom after sharing one with my parents that I was constantly cleaning, giving me more stress, but now I still feel like it isn't good enough because I am still stuck in this stupid loop. I have homework to do why am I stressing over a toilet?! Now I keep a spray bottle of soapy water on the bathroom counter to spray and clean but this is also something that bothers me because the OCD tells me that it isn't enough and that the toilet is going to break or something. On the same note of toilets, I also have a lot of triggers regarding water droplets (not showering but like the water that drops off and bounces around I'm not sure how to explain it all) touching my feet, legs, other parts of me. All this mixed with my awful toilet related OCD has cost me so much soap, water, and time. Sorry if this is really weird and tmi and if I sound like a total brat or something. I wonder if anyone else goes through this and how they deal with it. My school counselor once told me that I can wait for the triggers to pass through or something like that, but that takes many hours and I need to clean so that I can sleep I am losing my mind gah

i always want to watch new tv shows and lately especially i’ve been getting triggered by a lot of them. anyone else experience this? it gets to the point that i feel like i can’t continue watching the show or i’m doing something wrong, even if i enjoy it/want to continue watching. i recently started watching the menéndez brothers documentary on netflix and i’m intrigued and want to watch the rest but then my brain tells me i’m enjoying it for entertainment purposes or “profiting” off of someone’s trauma or awful experience. i’m more so interested in the case and watching the court experience but i fear i won’t be able to finish it now. anyone else have this issue?

I can’t tell what’s right and wrong anymore. It’s like my moral compass/rationality is completely broken. I could just shut my feelings down whenever. It might sound like a good thing but it also means I wouldn’t feel any remorse or guilt or negative emotions if I were to do something immoral (hypothetically speaking). In contrast, sometimes my feelings get so deep in the way that my rationality cannot win no matter what. My brain does that out of nowhere and I hate it because it ends up triggering my OCD theme and I have to start back up to be able to cope again. It’s like I’ve developed this intense intolerance towards any sort of stress whatsoever, even the good type of stress that helps you grow. My brain just shuts down and mentally I become a kid again and I can’t listen to logic no matter what.

Hi, I am new to this community and don’t know much about OCD or if i even have it. I am a college senior going to a university that is relatively close to my home (1.5 hr) My goal was to apply to OT school at my current school because I love it there and can’t imagine myself anywhere else. I have a high gpa, many observation hours, and was told i would be a top candidate-if I passed the GRE. This school is the only school in my state that requires the GRE for OT school. Well, with the stakes being so high I was a complete wreck before the exam. It stressed me out so much that even looking at study materials made me nauseous. I did not score high enough to get into my desired program when I took it. I am retaking it next Tuesday (which i had to beg the admissions committee to let me do due to it being past a due date) and i feel the weight of my whole future on my shoulders. If I don’t get into my desired program, I will have to go to programs that are very far from home/my boyfriend of two years who I currently live with. I feel if I don’t pass, I will have to move away to a different school and I will lose my boyfriend. He is my rock and is so important to me. My other option is to stay where I am and attend the radiography program at the local community college and stay close to home and be with my boyfriend . Note: i just decided to apply to OT school this year (changed major from nursing). Do I risk my relationship/happiness for a career that i don’t even know that I will enjoy or do i keep my relationship, stay close to home, but regret not taking a huge opportunity given to me. This situation stays in my mind all day and night which is stressing me out greatly. Sorry for such a long post, I just want an unbiased view on what I should do/how to get this thought out of my head. thx for listening <3

Hi everyone! I am a 22 year old AFAB nonbinary person from California, and I wanted to come on here and ask about people’s experiences with OCD surrounding taking testosterone and being trans/LGBTQIA/nonbinary. I am not talking about doubting identity but more so doubting whether taking testosterone is the “right” choice or whether the changes you might get are what you “truly” want. I would really love to hear from folks who also identify as nonbinary as I feel that nonbinary folks have a unique experience with taking hormones due to not being a binary trans person. I would definitely love to hear from anyone who identifies as trans or nonbinary, but I think that my experience with hormones is different since I know I don’t want to look or sound or feel like a full masculine person or man. For me, this means I am on a lower than normal dose of T right now, and I also don’t believe I plan on taking it longer than a few months or at least until I get my desired results. I want to be very androgynous, and I keep getting a bunch of intrusive thoughts about waking up and having all these drastic changes to my body and self to the point that I won’t recognize myself anymore. I know this is irrational and definitely attacking the fact that this is a huge decision to make to go on hormones, but I just feel like I haven’t seen this representation yet in both the trans and OCD communities. Again, please feel free to share any type of experience you have whether you are a nonbinary or binary trans person!

Is this my life now? A loop of fears and panic? Freshman year.. two years ago is when all this started. When I began my journey with this debilitating and scary disorder. For a while I felt like everything was okay. Like things were getting better. But tonight it’s getting so bad. I’m shaking, the thoughts are literally making my body enter fight or flight. The feelings.. the thoughts it all feels so real. It makes me question every aspect of who I am.. Is this forever? Will this be my life? If it is, that sounds like pain.. I constantly check myself.. which ain’t realize might be a compulsion. But I wonder, am I lying to myself? But then again I wouldn’t fear it so much if what I felt was true. I try to stay calm, to not fight the thought but let it pass. But it only grows in power. It’s been giving me these fake feelings. Things in which i’d never felt before. I just want to be okay. And I wonder if that’s even possible anymore. All I know is that I have my family, my Mom, everyone who loves me dearly. Please anyone… I don’t want to beg but if you could give me some motivation or positive words i’d love that.

i made a similar post, but I didn’t really get helpful responses. also I’m not diagnosed and can’t get diagnosed , but the past two days I’ve been spiraling and I have constant anxiety. I feel contaminated and like I keep having actions replay in my head and I see images of terrible things and I just feel gross. also like I can’t do anything alone or else I’m afraid that I might end up doing something wrong. so then every action I do has to be in from of other people so I can make sure I didn’t do anything crazy. any time I’m alone and I go about my day later on I always get these thoughts and what I’m pretty sure is false event ocd and I’m stressing so much.

i feel so alone and this overwhelming sadness upon me. im in college and don’t talk to any people, there’s a guy that was becoming my friend in the beginning but we kinda stopped talking and i think it’s my fault because i also have social anxiety.to add on i feel extreme anxiety in class because my brain just keeps repeating thoughts and it’s so exhausting every day plus the other stresses in my life.one thing is my head , the pain is so bad and i have no idea of what to do, i keep researching stuff and its making my health anxiety so bad i can’t stop crying because my head hurts so much.i wish i had some friends in my college so i could be a little happier

I’ve been spiraling for days I can barely sleep. I worked so hard to get into grad school and now i’m gonna fail because I can’t focus on anything else. The fact that my real events range from years ago and recently make me feel like I’ve always been a bad person. I keep trying to understand my intentions I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m looking into starting therapy and medication soon but I need some advice on some healthy coping skills in the meantime.

It hurts I hurt a lot of people and the guilt is killing me like actually eating me alive and I can’t even get help my parents are kinda abusive and don’t want me going to therapy cause their afraid they or I will go to jail but I idk if I can go on When I started highschool at 14(currently 15 rn) I had a weird mentality that everything was sexual and that I could date anyone by just telling them I liked them and being honestly creepy. Idk what’s wrong with me I feel so weird like I don’t have crushes it’s just me wanting to have sx with people I find attractive and it’s so horrible. But before I realized how bad this was I hurt people I had 4 friends they all don’t talk to me anymore because I was so sexual with everything I made sexual jokes made everything sexual and just sexualized myself at every turn even when they told me to stop I wouldn’t listen. It’s sick. When I realized this was wrong it was too late. One of them stopped talking to me and doesn’t even want to look at me or wants me saying his name.and one of them says they don’t care but idk I think they do.and I was honestly in a horrible mental state and tried a few times and my other friend had enough of it and just stopped talking to me. I have a best friend who I met online she was so nice to me we used to date but we broke up. And we get close but I betrayed her trust when I sent her explicit butt pics to this 17yr old I wanted pics from and he said he wouldn’t mind me sending them (my best friend was 15) and I was begging this 17yr old for pictures when he declined a lot then the 17 yr old said he was manipulating me and how he was keeping me in a loop of mystery. My best friend found out about the picture thing and she was sick but forgave me cause she didn’t want me self harming IMFEEL sick because of that she put my feelings above hers when I was in the wrong and she said she doesn’t want to lose me as a friend but idk she said she forgives me cauee she knows I’m broken ig but that makes me feel worse. And I also begged this 16 yr old for pics when I was either 13/14 and I feel sick I begged for pics when he declined but my best friend says not to feel bad cause he was grooming her kinda but idk I wanan apologize to him. Lately I’ve been thinking of how I think I s@d someone from my school someone I one or my baby cousins or my little brother and it feels real like it happened and I feel like a pedo and a s*x offender and Ik no one can forgive me idk if I want to go on it feels like death is the only way to atone for what I did . When I told my 4th friend about why my other friends don’t talk to me anymore he didn’t respond I think that cemented how bad I really am how sick I am I’m no different than a child pred or sx offender. My parents don’t even like me they always remind me how I treat them bad or how I’m a bad person. I feel horrible. Maybe I should just be locked up

hello all! i am relatively new to nocd and kinda interested in finding a support person on this app. i am 22 years old, struggling with many forms of ocd, anxiety and depression. i have friends, but at the end of the day they truly don’t understand what’s going on in my brain. with this post, i am hoping to find someone similar to my age range and what not so we can have eachother to lean on for support. thanks for reading!

I feel like I'm fucking crazy. It literally feels like my ocd has a plan to hurt people like overtime my mind has made a plan and I was already questioning myself because I'm doing erp. I don't want to hurt people but my mind literally feels like its fully ready to do something. I can't do this.

This is extremely hard for me to say I have danced around it in previous posts but I simply cant hold it in anymore. The guilt that I feel for thinking these thoughts is immesurable and is driving me to want to hurt myself. I'm gonna start from the very beginning it all started when I was put on Fluvoxamine back then I had the bad habit of looking every medication that I was on up and with that I found out that a student with another student had brought a weapon to school and hurt many people with it. (I can't even write the word but I'm sure you know what the thing was) The intrusive thoughts didn't start then for some reason but later when at my school we had a threat of someone who was wanting to do the same thing. But then one morning I got the thought of what if I do that. And then it got worse I would get the thought every day. And then summer came by and I thought I would be fine but it came back when I went to school again this year it got so bad that I had to drop out of school. But for some reason I am still getting the intrusive thoughts and they are even more horrible now with images of me doing it, I get horrible urges, and my mind tells me that I want to do something this terrible. I want people to understand when I say this I don't want to do anything to hurt anyone and never have. I have 0 history of violence to anyone and have been in several situations like that where there was a threat and have felt the fear that comes along with that. I don't understand why these thoughts are there. I feel like I need to put myself into a mental hospital. I never want to hurt anyone and never will.

I can't do this anymore I feel fucking insane my mind keeps telling me I want to k word people and if feels like my mind is making fucking plans. I'm diagnosed with ocd but I don't even know if it's ocd what if I'm just a terrible fucking person that actually wants to do this. My mind is literally telling me to go buy a weapon and hurt people like I get fucking urges. I can't keep food down and have not for the last few days I feel like I need to go to a mental hospital but I don't want to burden anyone in my family. Like my mind tells me specifically I want to do this but I don't want to but recently ive been having the thought of what if I did do it but I don't want to. I just want it to stop I'm a good person I don't want to hurt anyone at all. But what if one day I actually do want to do something. I can't do this anymore.

I feel like im loosing my mind. I feel like i experience derealization or what. I feel confused like very very confused. I cant even think normally. Im just tired. I feel like im loosing myself. Im scared that everyone tells me that i have OCD, but what if this is all true? I dont think and im scared that other so-ocd sufferers dont feel this way as i do. I feel literally, LITERALLY so convinced that this must be true. It feels like i already accepted that this is true. Im done. My brain is broken. I even started to have thoughts like what if i have schizophrenia or dissociative identity disorder. Help me please. Do i have psychosis or what?

So I developed OCD back in April. I had several themes including HOCD, EOCD, POCD etc and even ROCD about do I love my partner and similar things. But I have been on medications and slowly overcoming it one by one. I read about ERP and asked help to people on reddit and other social media and sometimes the solutions worked. Everything was going well until 2 days back when all of a sudden I am reminded of my partner having a past 24/7. I knew she had a past when we started and I had retroactive jealousy which I believe I overcame after initial few months. Now I know it's ROCD acting up but the thoughts are giving me a lot of anxiety and stress and now my brain has formed a weird connection that Everytime I look myself in the mirror or facial hair I am reminded of one of her Exes. This gives me a ton of anxiety and stress. I'm not even sure if the thought about her past gives me anxiety or the fact that it is associated with me or my gf and me getting reminded 24/7. I just started Therapy and my therapist is giving me REBT. But I wanted to see what would be an effective ERP solution for this as it helped my EOCD and other themes. I am simply confused how to do ERP against something that feels like it's constantly there and if my triggers will go away. To give specifics, I'm only reminded of their names and faces and not much, one of the exes was, according to her, toxic and she feels like she broke her moral code with him and other one, I feel like she hasn't resolved it completely although she made it clear and only he was occasionally trying to contact her but that's in the past. Some background info: I am completely fine with her having a past although my family is a bit bothered by it and I come from a strict societal background so my beliefs were shaped that way but I literally changed before developing this hellish disorder. Now I still don't want to be reminded all the time. Thanks in advance for any suggestions

I don't know if this is ocd related I just know that my ocd feels unbearable when it happens. From time to time I'll get waves of panic attacks that for me will lasts for a week. 3 days if I'm lucky. Recently I went up to 12 days with on and off panic attacks and barely doing or eating anything. This is the longest that this has lasted. I am a overall very anxious person but these make me want to tear my skin off. Does anybody know what this is?? I brought it up to my mom and asked if it was a panic disorder, but she said she doesn't think I have one because she has one and she said that's not what a panic disorder is. I've told her about the waves of panic attacks before and I'm trying to get therapy but right now I feel terrible. Is this a symptom of ocd ?? Does anyone else go through this?? Does anyone KNOW what this is?? Please lmk and if you have anything that could help please tell me :( (I have diagnosed OCD and GAD if that helps any!!)

I feel like I wanna throw up I feel shivers It feels like you’re going to be sick I can’t sleep at all I stayed up all night because of this (not the first time) I physically feel sick