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I can't sleep, anyone else here is up to chat? Ask me anything

For example, I kissed my dog’s lower back, above her tail affectionately. She looks like a potato, and absolutely adore her. I said “a kiss to your booty.” My sister said that was weird to say, but I’m not sure how serious she was. I tried my best to shrug it off because I don’t think my intentions were harmful. I do anxious when I get near my pets because my OCD attacks them badly. I see them like my children so I feel like it’s almost a variation of POCD. However, because I was anxious giving her affection, I feel like I did something I shouldn’t have especially with my sister’s comment. I know I am overthinking but I hate how often things like this happen and how they never seem to get easier. Anyone else? Any advice?

this summer i told my nail tech about my thoughts (i didnt know about rocd back then) she triggered me real bad telling me that maybe i dont love him anymore and i dint want to accept it beacuse i dont want to hurt him, that made a big impact on me. Today i did my nails and she asked me about my problem, i was very triggered, she asked me if i had something that i dont like about him, i told her that is a mental disorder that many people have but luckily she kinda understood and i left because i was done. It really triggered me, i dont know how to feel and what i feel. Today was my first time saying maybe i do maybe i dont to my thoughts, i dont know if it did something, i feel like a liar. I am affraid this is my truth. My mother tells me to pray, i am catholic, i pray every night but im just very scared. As im writing this i dont know what i feel. What do you suggest ?:(

I still feel fearful of cancer. No matter what I do Im scared that I still to much red meat or milk will make my Risk higher and there's no way to not get cancer. I'm not super active, I'm focused on being a streamer and I'm trying to improve to reduce the risk but I'm fighting my mind weather I will or not. I have has family die due to this my friends uncle has it. And I'm so scared and I don't know who to talk to, it's not like I can afford therapy at the moment either. I'm so scared it's been eating at me for the whole week. I'm a sit down for fore then 4 hours that's not good, or if I eat chicken noodle soup, or if I drink one soda because I'm out of water. Granted I was never a healthy person, and I neglected health concerns but now I regret not caring, and being ignorant. It worries me, I'm scared.

I feel like the thoughts are actually me now. Specifically the ones about my sexuality. I’m bisexual so yes I do like women but I’m worried I ONLY like women now and will lose my bf. Idk if I actually want to have sex with a woman. I’ve never had the desire to. Idk if I actually want to leave my boyfriend. Right now I feel indifferent when a few hours ago I actually felt normal feelings. I’m scared im never gonna enjoy sex with him again and I’m gonna be leading him on for years denying that I only like women when I do actually like men and enjoy sex with them it’s just when I have a lot on my plate (my thoughts, finals, other family stuff cuz yay holidays) I can’t actively enjoy it and want it to be over faster. I hate this. I just want to be normal. I’m getting Groinals over nothing and idk how to deal with them. Like I’m reading a story about lesbians coming out or I’m typing smtjn about my anxiety around the thoughts of my sexuality and I feel smthn down there. And I’m worried it’s true. I don’t feel actual anxiety in my stomach about it but I start ruminating but still feel confused. There’s no answer at the end. Is that normal? Idk what to do. My therapist and I took a break cuz Christmas so I’m out of therapy for 3 weeks. What can I do? What happens if I actually do enjoy the thoughts? I know it wouldn’t take away from me loving my boyfriend but I’m worried it’s gonna be stronger but again, doesn’t take away my love for him. Even if I’m slightly more attracted to women, I still like men. I can’t imagine myself being intimate with anyone anymore tho. Except my boyfriend when it’s actually happening but lately it feels like a mental block before we start but I go forward anyways. How do I know if it’s denial or if it’s just ocd? I’m scared that I’ll come out the other side of this a lesbian. My brain is already conjuring up thoughts of “aha I’ve solved it I’m a lesbian” when NO!! I LIKE MEN. I know I do. I just also like women. YOPPEE me for having options. CAN I PLEASE BE HAPPY WITH THE OPTION I CHOSE? THE TALL NERDY MAN J FELL IN LOVE WITH? FOR JUST A MINUTE? How do I know if I actually don’t have feelings for him and am just holding on cuz of denial? How do I know? I want a future with him and it seems so peaceful and beautiful but then my brain says “noooo you’re gonna break up with him cuz it’d be better being with a woman. Jordan wand is dating alistair and she’s happy” like good for her she has a gf but she’s also bi and likes men she’s just dating a woman. SHHH. Like my brain is convincing me that “ah yes this is the wrong person for you stupid.” No. I know I should stop fighting the thoughts but accepting uncertainty scares the shit out of me cuz what if I accept too much of it and actually end up hating my boyfriend. Even if I do remain bi what happens then? It’s 6 am I need to sleep I’ve been up all night. I’m supposed to study but I can’t.

I’m positive I have OCD I don’t think get too many compulsions but the obsessions are what mess with me. I’ve recently started medication for depression that is as a side effects supposed to treat ocd but I’m not noticing anything with the symptoms. Also who do I go to to try to get an actual diagnosis?

I just feel petrified and I don’t understand why. There aren’t even any thoughts right now. I just feel so scared.

Literally everything. I was talking to my friend, I have to confess that to my bf. I post on here, I have to confess that to my bf. I make a joke, I have to confess that to my bf. This is getting out of hand. I was doing better and I had stopped confessing but now it’s like on crack.

Idk if it’s ROCD rn. I don’t feel much anxiety but it could be habituation to the thoughts of breaking up and worrying about if I love him enough. It’s hard to see a future. I’m pretty sure I still want it. It’s just it’s hard to see cuz of the thoughts I’m having. But there’s no anxiety. Is it just me falling out of love? Idk anymore. I’m a bit stressed and sad. I do love him but I worry I don’t love him enough. We’re of different cultures and religions and reading comments online people say it just doesn’t work so maybe it’s getting in my head. I feel a bit numb and confused. I still respond to the thoughts so that doesn’t help. Before all this a future with him was so clear but now imagining it I feel slightly anxious. Maybe it’s cuz I’m worried the risk won’t work out. I do want it to work out but I’m finding it hard to pixture the future Maybe it’s cuz idk what’s in store cuz this isn’t the life I imagined for myself. I never imagined dating a sweet Muslim guy. I thought I’d date a mediocre white man lol or a woman(yay bisexual, but also really scared cuz of soocd which could also be impacting this) So it’s a huge culture shift for me. I can’t see the wedding. I can sorta see the apartment. That doesn’t really change much, just the decor. I can’t see a family even tho I really really want it. I want to be immersed in his family and culture. I’m worried I’m gonna get bored of him which is literally impossible. I’m worried I’m gonna cringe at his looks. I’m worried I’m gonna realize I’m gay in the future (I’m not I know that. I like men) idk. I’m scared and confused. Did anyone else struggle with being unable to picture the future but knew or sorta knew you still wanted it despite the thoughts you were having? I can’t tell if it’s just an ocd thought or a genuine concern because of our differences even tho we’ve discussed everything. I know there will be events we can’t expect but we talked about what we could and then my brain jumps to worst case scenarios about smthn that may not even happen I want to live my life with him I know that. Idk what to do or how to distinguish the thoughts. Usually if it’s a what if it’s a not me thoight is what my therapist says so I try that but a lot of the thoughts come as statements. What do I do?

I am starting to come to grips with intrusive thoughts, reading how your brain will think of the worst thing / or make you think of something that really distresses you. BUT, I’ve got something I need to get off my chest, not looking for reassurance but just to know I’m not alone I guess? I remember one time, I saw a girl I follow on Instagram go on a marathon, and then went straight out for dinner after without showering and I had the passing thought of, gosh she must smell, even worse, she must smell down there. That has got to be the worst intrusive thought EVER, and because it affected me so much, I have the urge to think of this horrible horrible thought most times I look at people. Wondering if they smell!!!! It’s disgusting!!!! :( I don’t know if this is because I also have contamination ocd and I do obsess about feeling and being clean.

Lately, I’ve been overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings that I don’t love my boyfriend and that I don’t care about him. He shares his struggles, he tells me he’s feeling sad or stressed, and I feel like I’m just numb. I don’t feel the concern or compassion that I think I should feel, and it terrifies me. It makes me ask myself: Do I even love him? What if I truly don’t care? He even pointed out that I rarely ask how he’s doing or that it feels like I don’t care about his feelings, and that absolutely broke me. But the worst part is… sometimes, I don’t feel anything when he tells me these things. I feel like I’m empty inside, and I don’t know why. I’m scared that maybe this isn’t ROCD, and it’s just the truth. Maybe I really don’t love him anymore, and I’m just in denial. The lack of emotion feels so real, and it makes me spiral even more. I wonder, What if I’m just a bad person? What if I’m incapable of love or care? I feel like I used to be different. I used to be happy, excited to see him, and now I’m just anxious, irritable, or numb. It’s like I’m losing myself, and I hate it. I hate that I feel this way when he’s such a loving and kind partner who doesn’t deserve this. I’m exhausted from constantly analyzing my feelings, wondering if I’m lying to myself or if my thoughts are the real truth. The line between what’s anxiety and what’s reality feels so blurred. I don’t want to lose him, but these thoughts and feelings are consuming me. Has anyone else felt like this? Is it normal to feel this way with ROCD? How do I deal with this numbness and the fear that it’s all real?

hi. so one big factor of my OCD is rumination. i met a guy who i have a crush on the idea of (idea bc there are red flags). my biggest fear is not finding true love, my ex told me no one else would deal with what i have (my ocd, specifically reassurance seeking and getting overstimulated after intimacy). a few weeks ago, my friends and family all gathered and tried to give me advice that sounded like “you’re shy and you’ll never find someone.” after that, i’ve felt off. i’ve been using an unhealthy coping skill, daydreaming, and i’ve just felt unbalanced. my ocd makes everything feel different sometimes, i can’t explain it. life, myself, almost like being in a dissociated state. has anyone else experienced that? i don’t know how to remain balanced during my off times and i know pms exasperates it all. i take ashwaghanda and omega 3s in a multi vitamin daily. i take them all together in the evening but i’ve missed three days recently and also messed with my rocky sleep schedule because of fun times with friends. i hope these supplements work, because i don’t know if i’d be brave enough for medication. i had a bad reaction on prozac and often am forgetful. i just have been battling my OCD consciously for almost ten years now and unconsciously for longer. i am so tired, as my mental health extends beyond my OCD. i’m in talk therapy with some cbt aspects but i only see her twice a month. i’ve broken down so many times and promised myself id get on track or that certain things would work, but it’s like i am stuck in a circle that gets smaller when i’m able to help myself. i just want to be normal. i want to be able to mess up my sleep schedule to enjoy good times and not suffer horrible consequences or fear that i will be entirely thrown off balance. i don’t want to worry or doubt or feel so dissociative that i squint my eyes for a moment and wonder why i feel so unreal. i will never understand why god has allowed me to go through this. i cannot let it be for nothing but i don’t know how much more to bend and contort my body and brain to get somewhere stable but how lovely it would be if i could. i don’t have much of a schedule right now, i get apathetic and give in with things from time to time. one thing can trigger me and i am back to square one wether in a week or month. any advice, any and all is so helpful. your stories, your thoughts. maybe feeling less alone and knowing what has helped you is exactly what i need right now. thank you 💗

I remembered something and it was awful. When I calmed down, I thought “I don’t think it actually went like that?” I feel like I’m making an excuse to make myself feel better. Like I’m lying to myself to feel okay? Like it’s not false memory ocd mixed in with real event. It’s just me being a monster and I just want to feel better. I feel like I made a big mistake, didn’t think twice back then but now I feel like crap and want an excuse to think I didn’t do that. I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t. I’m so scared.

i couldn't take this anymore. maybe i'll just let ocd win this time. it's too hard to not have a clear conscience everytime i'm with my bf cuz my mind is telling me i'm unfaithful and don't deserve to be happy. i feel like i'll never get better anymore. i already told myself many times to stop attracting attention from other people especially to people i'm having false attraction to. but i did it again yesterday, right after i smiled a little extra in front of that girl i might be attracted to i could feel the massive anxiety in my chest. already decided last week that i might be actually attracted to her so it's best to fully avoid her. i avoided her with the best i could, but we're in the same classroom and i saw her in my peripheral vision looking at us (my bf and i) whispered to myself not to make any mistake i'll regret, but then i felt like i lose control and laugh a little extra. i searched micro cheating and it says there "trying to impress someone you're attracted to" and now i want to break up with my bf. the guilt is too strong. i couldn't sleep at night.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with a fear that I know is tied to my OCD, but it still feels overwhelming. Sometimes I wake up from a dream feeling good—like happy or even a little aroused—but I can’t fully remember what the dream was about. This triggers this intense anxiety for me because my brain starts spiraling: What if I was happy about something bad? What if it was connected to an intrusive thought? I know dreams are random and don’t reflect my true self or my values, but it’s hard not to overanalyze when I can’t remember the details. It’s like my OCD fills in the blanks with the worst-case scenarios, and I feel ashamed or scared for no reason. Anyone else?

Idk why I’m overthinking this I know it’s silly to. It’s just hot cocoa from my friend. Idk if I’m panicking cuz she’s a lesbian and she also wrote me a letter with it but I’m sure she did for everyone, everyone got a gift I’m pretty sure. I don’t see her that way but my brain and body are like “what if you do like her? What if she likes you? What if the reason kissing your bf doesn’t feel the same is cuz you wanna kiss girls instead” I don’t wanna see her that way I don’t. She’s a good friend that’s it. I don’t see her anymore than that and I love my boyfriend but now I’m worried I don’t or I don’t love him enough and it means I’m a lesbian. I’m bisexual, always have been, I like men and women, but I don’t wanna like women rn. And this led to me worrying that I won’t enjoy living with my boyfriend and I’m gonna realize that I’m a lesbian when we do live together after we get married (talks of marriage have been frequent given that he is Muslim) and I’m scared that the reason kissing him doesn’t feel the same isn’t cuz dopamine is slowing it’s because I don’t like kissing him even tho I do. I don’t wanna see my friend like that. I’m worried I’m suppressing a crush but I don’t think I am. I don’t get excited to see her the way I did seeing my bf before we were official. I don’t make excuses for us the hang out alone. That’s the last thing I want. That sounds mean. I don’t mean it that way. I just don’t want to give my own brain the wrong idea. But what if I’m not happy with my bf cuz I want a woman? But I am happy with him. I don’t want a woman rn. I want him and I want to feel confident in my love for him. I know I can’t get certainty. I’m scared I’m lying and I’m scared I’m gonna betray my boyfriend. Images of her and I hanging out pop into my head and I don’t like them. They’re not nice they’re not me. I keep checking to see if the Groinals have gone away and Ik I shouldn’t but I can’t help it. I started crying. I was having such a good week. And I do appreciate the hot cocoa and the letter, it was short just “hey thanks for being a great friend, merry Christmas” so idk why I’m being stupid and panicking. I know it’s irrational. It didn’t bug me at first but interacting with her during a small group activity made me anxious after cuz of a groinal. It went from one friend to another and I’m scared this is a real crush and I don’t want it to be. I love my boyfriend more than anything why is this happening. I just wrote him a letter about how I’ll always choose to keep loving him cuz I’d rather struggle than be handed love on a silver platter.(therapy question) now I’m scared I’m gonna end it. I don’t feel any physical anxiety in my body just a lot of ruminating. I do feel a bit and I know it’s bad anxiety, idk if this makes sense but I can tell the difference between my good and bad anxiety (good being the excitement). But it dissipates immediately and I keep trying to imagine myself in scenarios with this friend I just I don’t want to I want to go to bed I was getting ready to go to bed. I don’t like her like that, I don’t think. I just want to be normal. I don’t get Groinals to men lately, am I a lesbian cuz of that? I got them a couple months ago, which bugged me but also felt kinda reassuring whcih Ik is kinda bad cuz it was just a reminder “hey I do like men” even tho I know I do. Now I’m scared I can’t live in the future with my bf long term cuz of this cuz I’m gonna wake up one day and say “I’m a lesbian” but I’m not. And I’m worried I see him only as a friend whcih also. I don’t want. Yes he’s my best friend but he’s more so let me feel that good feeling brain. What if I do wanna break up with him and am a lesbian but am using OCD as a crutch to stay unhappy even tho I am happy and attracted to him romantically and otherwise. I love going out with him to see a movie, cuddling with him, kissing him. It’s all wonderful. But I’m worried I’ve been faking and I’m getting sick of him now and that’s because im a lesbian and also sex and just most things don’t feel as exciting anymore. But I enjoy it. I know im not a lesbian but my brain is screaming at me otherwise. I just want to be left alone. I don’t even wanna sit near any of my female friends lately. Specifically the one in this post and a different one in the same friend group for the same reason, the other one is bi, same as me. Never saw her like that, still don’t. She’s pretty and funny but I see her as a friend. The other girls im fine around idk why. I do have the intrusive thought of “kiss them” which has never bothered me before but now the urge seems so real and I hate it. And the fact it DOESNT cause me anxiety but im still panicking about it makes me think it’s still ocd even if im not officially diagnosed Anyways. That’s mostly it. Hopefully that clears up by morning. Im getting my nails done cuz I need to stop picking at my skin (a habit I’ve had since I was a kid, it gets real bad)

So I don’t spiral: is it normal for the dopamine of sex to kinda decrease. My boyfriend and I started having sex in august, and even then it wasn’t “oh my god yesss” type of sex, it kinda was when I was finishing but during it it just felt like smthn going in and out and kissing. Which is great I do love it a lot honestly. But I’m worried I’m not feeling enough now. When we first started dating I got these like tingles up and down my spine whenever he’d touch me sexually or kiss me or do anything (I don’t wanna be TMI) and it was wonderful then it started to slow and then when this all settled in I stopped feeling that rush. Does that mean thinsg have changed or is it just because I’m comfortable. I do want to have sex, I will admit my drive is lower than it used to be but I was told it’s just the dopamine slowing down cuz we’re familiar with each other and there isn’t thag much that’s new about the same body after 10 whole months. And o just worry that it’s gonna keep going down and I’ll never feel drive again. Is it normal for sex jsut to feel like sex and not this huge emotional porn level/social media level thing? Like I know I’m attracted to my boyfriend and love doing thinsg with him but once we get going it feels like I don’t feel anything in my body besides when my clit is being stimulated with the bullet, there’s no tingles, I did get goosebumps last night while he was doing things to me which was new and I enjoyed that. Idk if this means he and I have to be more adventurous or if it means I don’t find him sexually attractive anymore and therefore don’t love him/am gay which I know is wrong, I do love him, it’s just changing from infatuation to lifelong, and maybe sex changes as part of that. Sex is still fun and enjoyable and I love doing it, it doesn’t happen as often cuz yay university but it’s still fun when we do do it. Just less exciting. There’s no butterflies or anything in my stomach like there used to be, probably cuz like I said, I’ve seen his body and his butt so many times over the last 10 months lol, same thing goes for just seeing him in general. I don’t get these waves of excitement but I’m still happy to see him, make him a gift or food and hang out with him doing god knows what. Even when I’m stressed by exams

I made a comment that was stereotypical, and now I feel like a huge racist. I promise that I didn’t mean it with any ill intent. I meant it with admiration. I don’t know why I feel bad. I’m the most anti-racist person in my family and I constantly thrive to be better. I don’t know why I’m freaking out. Oh my god. Why is this happening? I know what my intentions were. I feel so scared of being judged oh my god

I am scared I did something wrong. Basically my original fear was that when I put my phone in charge with my mom’s charger that the charger touched somewhere gross somehow and nobody was at home with me to deny that it wasn’t true. Basically I wanted to see if it was even possible because it was bothering me so much and I was crying. Obviously I didn’t put it in the gross area but I just tested to see if the charger would go in my sweatpants waistband and it didn’t and I did this in the living room like I wasn’t doing anything crazy and it didn’t touch any where gross I just tested it in the side of my waistband and it didn’t even go through but then I remembered the originally my waistband was looser so then I just tested again on the side like nowhere near anywhere gross it was literally my hip of the waistband of my sweatpants and it still didn’t go through so I know my thoughts from earlier weren’t true. Well basically I’m scared now that the charger somehow got in a gross place when it really was just beside my hip and then it wasn’t my own phone charger somehow then I felt so guilty because I would’ve been contaminating someone else phone. So then I completely removed the phone charger and replaced it with a different one and again I saw if the charger would go in my hip like past my waistband and it literally didn’t and it didn’t go anywhere bad plus I was in the hallway I wasn’t hiding anything because I wasn’t doing anything crazy it was just in my waistband but now I feel like I did something gross and everything is contaminated

1. Thoughts about Not Loving My Boyfriend: • “What if I don’t love him?” • “I feel like I’ve lost my feelings for him.” • “I don’t feel love the way I used to.” 2. Fear of Changing or Being Different: • “What if I’ve changed and this is the real me now?” • “What if I’ve grown out of the relationship?” 3. Doubt About Attraction: • “I’m not attracted to him anymore.” • “I feel numb when I look at him.” 4. Thoughts of Disconnection and Irritation: • “I feel irritated when he shows affection.” • “I feel bored or disconnected when we talk.” • “Why do I feel like I can’t stand him sometimes?” 5. Fear of Denial: • “What if I’m in denial and I’m just pretending to love him?” • “What if all these thoughts are true?” 6. Fear of Being a Bad Person: • “I’m a terrible person for feeling this way.” • “I’m ruining my relationship and hurting him.” 7. General Anxiety About the Future: • “What if I’ll fall for someone else in the future?” • “What if I’ll never feel love again?” 8. Intrusive Thoughts from the Past: • “I had violent thoughts about my dad.” • “I worried I was a pedophile after seeing a video.” Feelings Associated with These Thoughts: 1. Numbness and Emotional Disconnection: • Feeling emotionally flat or unable to access love or joy. 2. Guilt and Shame: • Feeling like a bad person or partner. 3. Hopelessness and Despair: • Feeling like things will never get better. • Believing i am stuck this way forever. 4. Irritation and Frustration: • Getting annoyed when my boyfriend shows affection. 5. Fear and Panic: • Experiencing overwhelming anxiety when questioning my feelings. 6. Sadness and Confusion: • Crying frequently, feeling lost, or not understanding why i feel this way. Compulsions I Engage In: 1. Reassurance Seeking: • Constantly asking others if everything is okay or if your feelings are normal. 2. Researching and Googling: • Searching for answers about ROCD, anxiety, and relationships online. • Checking forums like the NOCD app for reassurance. 3. Mental Checking and Analysis: • Constantly checking if i feel love, attraction, or connection. • Analyzing every interaction and emotion to see if they’re “right.” 4. Confessing: • Telling your boyfriend or others about your thoughts to relieve guilt or doubt. 5. Avoidance: • Pulling back from conversations or interactions with my boyfriend due to anxiety. 6. Comparing: • Comparing your current feelings to how you used to feel at the beginning of the relationship. 7. Self-Criticism: • Judging yourself harshly and believing i am a terrible person. FEELING SO REAL I’m struggling with ROCD and it’s consuming me. My intrusive thoughts make me feel like I don’t love my boyfriend, that I’ve changed, or that I’m a terrible person. These thoughts make me feel numb, disconnected, and hopeless. My compulsions include constant reassurance-seeking, analyzing my feelings, researching online, and confessing my fears. It’s exhausting, and I’m desperate to feel like myself again. Does anyone relate to this? How do you cope?