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I have the “i want to die thougt” everyday!!! Is this normal with suicidal ocd?? Anyone relate?

This is so bad I don’t know how I’m going to survive this life this new problem I have is taking its toll on me I feel like life isn’t the same now. No one cares no one understands. I started suddenly having pocd I’ve never had it before But I deliberately imagined something really disgusting about licking/sucking and it’s bad and I imagined it on purpose it wasn’t an intrusive thoguht but I don’t. Feel disgusted or anxious or anything I jsut feel nothing now I keep imagining it in hope I will get anxiety but I feel like I can make myself have shudders/anxiety on demand so I think it’s fake now and Soemone on here wrote as long as you feel disgusted that means it’s not a desire and your not a p but now I don’t know what I feel and i just want to live a normal life

I’m trying to figure out the best medicine for ocd/anxiety I’m currently taking 20mg of Prozac and have been taking it for awhile but no success. Can anyone tell me what they are taking and how it’s helped them

Hi guys also another question I’ve been doing ERP for awhile now. And I’m just getting into exposures and when I’m doing them with my therapist like writing out the things that scare me and saying them out loud it doesn’t seem to scare me. It’s more so when I’m alone having these constant thoughts daily is what becomes overwhelming and makes them feel real. Any insight on this?

Hello anyone reading, I just wanted to vent here because at this point i’m not sure what to do or if i’ll ever be normal and my OCD is causing my mental health to go down the drain badly. It’s so debilitating I can’t do anything daily other than focus on it. I can’t feel comfortable anywhere, not even in my own home. I deal with the type of OCD where i’m convinced things are contaminated with chemicals or feces or any number of things. TMI: For example when I used the bathroom the other day in a public one and it went off on its own so now i’m convinced I had feces all over me so I had to shower and wash my clothes. Now i can’t even sit in my car cause the seat supposedly is covered now too from the drive home. I can’t touch anything on my floor or anywhere for that matter without washing my hands like my phone charger or my feet/shoes/ankles, door knobs, handles, anything cause i don’t even know why anymore. I’m terrified of cleaning products being on me or touching them, people spraying anything. I can’t have my windows down in the car anymore because i’m terrified of someone’s window washer fluid getting all over me. I watched a video about a guy accidentally drinking paint thinner cause he kept it in a water bottle and had to convince myself that my water wasn’t paint thinner and etc These are just some of the examples I have and I don’t know how to get over it or handle it anymore and I feel like I’m literally going crazy. Any suggestions or advice would mean a lot. please

Got hit on back of my head from someone elbow by accident kinda hard but there was no pain or anything I am shy and nervous so I just said why you do that and left. As I was walking I head my heart beating in my head. Now I fear I have brain damage or something bad I still remember everything my passwords my name so I didn't lose my memory. Now I'm going feel different all day and worry in my head because of it

I've been reading through the posts on this app all morning to see if someone can relate to the way I'm feeling. I'm constantly bombarded by thoughts about me or other people being hurt by my cause. It terrifies me to the core and I end up going down in tears at the very thought of it. It's so hard to open up to others about it because I'm worried I'm just insane, and not someone worth saving. It's gotten to the point where I'm very depressed, I refuse to leave my room in the morning to get ready for school, and I don't feel emotion anymore. Another issue I've been having is secluding myself because I'm afraid of harming people. But it's all my mind goes on about, and I can't make it stop. I'm crying whilst posting this, and I just want to feel normal again.

So I posted a little while ago about my testing of being trans (MTF) and going by she/they in my closer circles. Now this is all well and good but I’m continually questioning whether my experience is real. I stoped wearing masculine underwear because it doesn’t feel right but I don’t know if that’s a compulsion or if I genuinely don’t feel at home being a man anymore (I’ve told my friends that he/him is no longer he/home). I’ve been going by any pronouns for a few months and like when someone calls me a guy I feel weird but also being called by she/they is still weird and so it’s also uncomfortable, especially because I’m so incredibly masc passing (I’m a bigger hairy individual). According to people around me when I talk about being trans I get nervous and excited In a good way? But also especially with how society is nowadays (USA) being trans is also terrifying. The other thing is like I lean toward playing masculine characters in like dnd and games. Idk it’s definitely scary and strange and I’m just trying to figure it all out. I feel like when I’m around my gf I’m a lot more comfortable being her girlfriend (which my ROCD also has gone a little hog wild recently because I continually interpret me being content in the relationship as me not caring and the minute that happens I think of my last relationship and how the end of it was everything I did being obligation not because I wanted to and I fear getting to that point) Outside of that context I’m like “I’m your boyfriend yup that’s it not a girl she/they feels weird” and like I’m still very comfortable in masculine spaces and (this could be internalized transphobia from my parents as well as some OCD) that if I’m in a feminine space I’m just gonna get horny or something and make everyone else in there and myself uncomfortable and then feel guilty for “faking” this and feeling any of that, because a part of me has had some SOOCD and like scared I’m not into my gf or women in general even though I know I am (I’m Bi) because I don’t get like an instant erection being around her anymore, but getting a boner in my underwear around a bunch of cis women just sounds embarrassing. A good move is probably to go see a gender therapist and figure this all out. Sorry this was just a run on rambling mess but yeah that’s my thoughts. Any other trans folks in here wanna help out and share their experiences?

TW: talk of cancer I don’t post on here much, but I’ve been dealing with Health Concern OCD my whole life. I am constantly searching for mystery illnesses that could be causing even the slightest discomforts in my body. My lymph nodes are swollen, I am trying to rationalize my thinking by saying I could just have a cold. However, I cannot stop thinking about it. I am terrified of having some form of cancer/lymphoma that I may not have noticed until now. I am restless and unable to sleep, all I can think about is what is going to happen if I get this checked out by a doctor. I want to know why this is happening in my body, but I’m scared that my worst nightmare might be true and if I was too late to get seen. I’m feeling very defeated, and trapped in my own head. Nobody knows how debilitating my OCD really is because I put on a very good facade of seeming like I’m cool calm and collected. Most of the time, I’m freaking out over the smallest changes or feelings.

For the last few hours I’ve been in a state and confused and I’ve been crying and it’s been bad please help I know reactance isn’t the answer but I’m really suffering and can’t go to sleep until I figure this out please

I’ve been doing a lot deep thinking and I finally learned that ocd comes with the possibilities it doesn’t mean that who you will be it simply means it’s out there and to be aware of it. I know I’m a confident straight woman and nothing will change me. Also always remember that everything is a choice you don’t have to be with someone or do something you don’t want to do. Always remember that!!

I’m new to this theme but I jsut thought a really disgusting thought/image and it was like a sequence of me doing something disgusting and now idk wha to think why the hell am I thinking it on purpose and imagining it on purpose what does that mean why do I not feel disgusted and why am I willingly thinking of it with no anxiety and no disgust. At the start of my ocd when I had harm ocd I was terrified of thinking of harm thoguhts and wanted them to go away and now I’m deliberate thinking of these disgusting pocd thoughts on purpose

I feel like I'm having a mini episode of some sort. I think it might be PMS-related, and it doesn't feel good. I feel like I'm depressed and stuck and every little thing is wrong. Like I was thinking of straightening my hair today, but then I got really anxious because I know I wouldn't look like myself after. Feeling out of touch with my self-image even in the slightest makes me start to spiral. I often say that when I'm having an episode, I feel like "nothing". I don't feel like me, I don't feel like anyone, I just feel like absolutely nothing. I don't feel like a person. I feel like a zombie. I feel dead. I feel gone. I have an appointment with an ACTUAL, real, female psychiatrist, but it's not until July. I'm scared of waiting that long. I'm just so very sad right now. I feel stuck and I wish I had the proper help NOW. I don't feel like any meds I've ever taken have helped at all. I just always assumed if I wasn't having an episode then that meant they were working. I'm starting to be convinced that there is no help out there for me, and that I'll never have answers and will just keep living in the dark, guessing for the rest of my life.

I can’t carry on with this feeling of doing something (rape) intoxicated, it’s gone on for months and just think I done it all, my life’s ruined

How do u stop overly worrying about your health. I have a sinus infection, eye infection, and ear infection and im scared there’s more to it because it doesn’t feel like anything is working

I feel like I have become really confused about who I am, mainly when it comes to dealing with these thoughts. Lately the harm thoughts are coming to me like I don’t think this but sort of ‘feel’ like ‘imagine you went and didn’t this right now’ like I’m not thinking that thought but I sort of feel it like I can’t explain it and sort of imagine you jsut done it anyways and because I’m not anxious over the thoughts anymore and haven’t been for while I feel like its just made it worse because now I purposely think these horrible thoughts on purpose over and over to gauge my response in hope I will feel anxious so I can then ‘move on from the thought’ so if a disgusting thought or idea comes to me I find it extremely difficult to move on and feel as though I HAVE to examine the thought. I had a really disgusting thought come out of no where, basically I was in my room and there was clothing on the floor and my foot hit it when I walked past and I had a thought like ‘it felt like a animal/cat’ and then my highly active horribly creative Brain decides to make me think ‘felt like a dead animal’ then I thought to myself okay just move on from that whatever but of course I couldn’t because now according to my brain I have to now work out whether I like the feeling of picking up a dead/motionless body, because what if its true - I know this sounds so disgusting and horrible. So then I started imagining picking up a ‘dead’ animal and it ‘flopping’ about the I sort of got some sort of ‘shudder of anxiety’ it doesn’t feel like a really strong anxiety but it feels almost like I get a shudder and almost like I bring it on on purpose then I had to imagine the thought about a dead person (even more horrible) to check incase I do or don’t like moving/holding a dead body and then the same thing happened I got a shudder kind of thing then it usually still feels unsatisfied but I feel I can then somehow move on form the thought since I’ve now had a ‘shudder’ and I’ve done this same process with so many other thoughts before as well and sometimes I even the start thinking I’m purposely making myself ‘shudder’ and maybe I’m being fake but it’s jsut gotten bad like I don’t even believe myself or no what to believe anymore. I constantly feel like I’m faking my reactions as well and worry that I’m secretly happy and I’m not sure if it’s adrenaline but sometimes I will be talking about this problem or thinking and I get the same feeling in my face/chest like im ‘excited’ or about to laugh or smile and when I looked it up it says anxiety and excitement can feel the same and im wondering if im jsut confused now the other thing is I literally don’t know when im feeling anxious anymore when it comes to ocd. Like sometimes I end up thinking about the thoughts and with the shudder thing I strain my body when I do it/like tense up and Soemtiems I get hot and cold feeling come over me but I still don’t recognise that as anxiety and think that I’m somehow deliebralty making myself feel like that and it’s fake and I’m not anxious and I literally jsut don’t even know when I’m anxious and it’s worrying. Also I feel like I’m literally constantly thinking I’m bad or imagining myself doing something bad and it’s like what the heck like, when I try to think to myself ‘no I would never do that’ I don’t believ it and some how think it’s would happen because I would ‘give in’ or want to do it eventually and it feels like after all these crap thoughts and how much I’m believing it and even believing I ‘like the feeling of doing the thoughts’ because apparently I know how it feels to act on thee thoughts like how it feels to physically do these horrible things and how my hands would feel doing it and everything and apparently it feels like I I like the feeeling but I’m still not sure if that’s my adrenaline/anxiety that makes me feel like i ‘like the feeling of doing that horrible thing’ but it’s literally making me belive because it feels like I like the feeling thag now its impossible that I would ‘never do that’ and that’s worrying me as well. I don’t want to be crazy or bad or anything in fact I’ve always loved helping people and to now be literally believing that I’m this evil person who likes the feeling of doing these horrible things it’s very very hard to deal with and after over two years of dealing with this crap I’m still suffering and it’s jsut awful and it’s like the only time I feel better is if I have something to look forward to and am pre occupied and it seems to go but then I think we’ll why is that does that mean it’s all fake and I’ve jsut forgotten about being evil but still am evil and also like I can’t even stay home anymore I use to live staying home but when i stay home I feel like I start going mad with this ocd crap and it feels more and more real and it’s so scary but I don’t even know if I’m scared like I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore when it comes to this ocd I jsut no since I started having this I’ve become such an angry person I get aggitated so quickly and I feel so much pent up stress and anger its so sad. I started staying home and it as okay for a bit and then it started happening and the worrying and everything and to to the point where at some point I thought I wanted to kill and bury my mom and I told her about all of it and I don’t even know how she feels hearing all this crap. I think I would feel very worried if someone kept telling me disturbing things like that. But I literally started imaging those things like the killing and burying thing to ‘test’ myself then i started thinking how do I know I’m thinking about it to test myself and not because I want to see if ‘I like it’ because I’m actually evil …? And then like I never felt anxious but it felt almost like it was an urge and that I wanted to do that burying thing and it was very concerning - see I’m typing this and I keep worrying I’m lying about being ‘concerned’ …but it felt so real like it made me feel like I ‘wanted to do that’ or liked it and there was no anxiety and jsut felt like an urge and it was very unsettling - I can’t even write ‘it was very scary’ because I think I might be lying about being scared… I don’t even know anymore my doubt levels are to another level and I don’t know how to deal with this I literally doubt so much it’s to an extreme my doubt levels like I don’t even believe myself and im believing something but feel like I don’t want it to be true but feel like it’s true that im bad and like the feeling of ‘smothering’ … this has been the worst thought I’ve been stuck of for like two years I still don’t know if it’s my anxiety making it feel like that but it feels like I know what it feels like to smother someone like how my hands feel doing that actions and that I like the feeling and my chest feels like idk and I’m jsut confused and because of that I’m not believing it’s impossible and I would actually be evil because I would choose to do it because I like it … I’m so confused and sad and wish I could jsut be normal, if anyone has read this to the end Thank you for listening and I’m sorry you had to read all this garbage it’s honestly such a load of crap and I don’t know what to do

Ive chatted with romantically attached women on the explicit chat website... people on the site tell me im a good person and that people on the site are here for their own reasons, or their partners allow them to be, but i still feel horrible about the three women who were keeping secret from their partners... (not the ones whose partners allow them to be on there...) this one girl is the one i regret the most because she was in a relationship with the girl on the site and didnt want me to tell her... i feel like a horrible person... even though many people on the site tell me im not... and that its all fantasy and not real... me and her have chatted several times so i feel like a bad person because of those several times... and ive wanted to chat with her... i feel horrible because of this... i only want to be a good person... i only want to do good things... but no matter how many people on the site reassure me, i still feel horrible because of this...

Hi everyone, I'm writing to ask if anyone has found a technique to stop compulsively researching stuff on Google. Oftentimes I get completely stuck researching things and can't stop even if I want to. My therapist has told me that when I get the urge i should focus on something else or focus on what my senses are perceiving. However, if I try to focus on my sensations, the stimuli that I get are not strong enough to distract me, or they don't last long enough, while, on the other hand, if I try to focus on a different activity, my mind is completely unable to focus and keeps going back to the thing that I want to search. Do you have any other suggestion?

So I’ve been suffering with intense health anxiety for a few years now, and just recently I learned it may be caused by OCD. It’s to the point where every time I get a headache I start to freak out, scared that I could be having an aneurysm. I am far too worried about having a stroke or heart attack for being 21. I can’t even enjoy a casual, relaxing hot shower anymore. I have to slowly increase the temperature when getting in and slowly decrease the shower while getting out because I am afraid that any drastic temperature change can give me a heart attack. I know deep down that these fears are illogical, but no matter how often I get them they still feel just as real every time. I try to reason with myself, but every time I feel mild discomfort in my body I can’t help but freak out. I am so tired of checking my face in the mirror for symptoms of stroke every time I get a headache or feel a weird sensation in my body. Every other day of the week I force myself to stay awake for a certain period of time because I’m scared if I go to sleep I won’t wake up. I get hymnic jerks every single night (where you jolt awake when drifting to sleep) because my brain is so occupied with making sure I’m staying alive that it jolts me awake because my body is trying to sleep while my mind stays awake. It’s so difficult for me to pay attention during lectures because I get so caught up in my health anxiety that I’m focusing on grounding techniques in order to keep myself from hyperventilating. I spend more time making sure I can understand the words my professor is saying to make sure I’m not having a stroke than actually paying attention to the lectures. Another thing I struggle with is having to count my medication every time before I take it to make sure I didn’t accidentally take two or more doses, even if I KNOW I only took one. I have to count them anyways otherwise my mind will convince me I overdosed. It will not stop until I count my medication and make sure I didn’t overdose. It’s honestly so tiring, and the sad part is that my health anxiety has actually gotten better. It was even worse before now, and everything I’ve listed is stuff that I still do. Does anyone else have this struggle? Because it feels so isolating and makes me feel like I’m going crazy.

Everyone meet: the bag. He’s been around for almost a year now. It is time this bag is conquered and OUT of my room. I suffer with severe contamination OCD and have difficulty cleaning. About seven months ago, a mouse was discovered in the house, and was suspected to have originated from this very bag…This bag that I used to carry miscellaneous college supplies when I moved out… Mouse poop was discovered underneath it. And ever since then, I’ve been TERRIFIED to clear out this bag. EVERYTHING, I mean EVERYTHING inside is “contaminated.” Mouse poop!!! MOUSE POOP! My luck! And don’t even try to search up the diseases mouse poop carry, because I did and now I can’t even touch this bag without panic. See that packaged item next to it? It is untouched, because it fell on the bag. 🤦‍♀️Even being within a RADIUS of the bag can cause “contamination,” as if the bag emits a poisonous smog. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ Guys, even as I say this I’m understanding the ludicrousness, but I NEED to deal with this bag. There’s so many precious items inside. All “contaminated.” Anyone have any idea how to do this!!?