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the NOCD Community

Hi! Does anyone else find it hard to accept that you have ocd? I think it’s the most difficult part.

If I was 13 years old, and I made a severely horrible childhood POCD mistake that I was told about earlier in the day, but had forgotten about it because I had never heard of that mistake or done it before, should I be punished for it as a 23 year old?Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 22... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that she doesnt remember it, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I was told what this word was, but I had forgotten it... I did not have full knowledge or full understanding on how horrible this mistake was... I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭  It’s making me feel like I know I’m a P or a chomo when I don't ever want to ever be those things… I perform avoidance compulsions all the time and I don’t want to be anywhere around kids… even accidentally standing next to one makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and anxious… it’s making me feel like that I know I’m what my POCD and real events OCD are telling me even when a former ocd psychiatrist has told me that the real events don’t make me a P or a chomo… In addition it’s making me feel like I’m what my ocd tells me that I am… I didn’t know how horrible the real events were at the time when I was 13… I really didn’t… my POCD and real events OCD keeps calling me a P and a Chomo for what happened when I was 13 when I didn’t know what any of that stuff was… I truly didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t…  It’s making me think I am a rapist because of the real events too… my POCD just keeps telling me that I’m a P or a chomo or in worst case a child r*pist when I don’t ever want to ever be those things in any way 😭😭😭

just venting. tw for SH. too lazy to type everything. genuinely just tired. I don’t want replies. the end is somewhat beginning to be appealing. maybe if I do it, they will care. I’ll be pissed if they do. fuck off, you didn’t know me, you have no right to care if I go. I was always in the background. all of a sudden I will matter for a few moments, and what for? don’t even try to give compliments to who I was. you didn’t know me. it’s a shame I thought of a future. a non realistic one. I only felt comfort in my imaginary world. hopefully there is another life. a better world. I think I will rest now. good night.

Hey, this is my first time posting… so I am a little nervous. I have OCD, along with Bipolar 1, and Autism (autism was assessed by a therapist and psychiatrist but not an official diagnosis cause of the cost). I used to have my OCD treated with Effexor until it revealed my Bipolar disorder and instead I can only be on low dose Prozac (alongside other meds for bipolar) One of my biggest and oldest OCD symptoms has been a constant need to confess everything hidden about my life to my parents. It started when I was 15. I suddenly would become so stressed about something I did in the past (usually regarding more private topics, stuff no one wants to talk to their parents about). It would be so bad I would struggle to keep food down if I was fighting those thoughts. Although it’s gotten better, it hasn’t left without leaving me completely exposed, and it still pushes me to want to confess my private life to them. I always think “but X or Y was wrong of me to do, or was private” and then I’d feel like NOT confessing was me “lying by omission.” It’s hard to explain it… but I just wondered if anyone had and advice or just messages of solidarity. Thanks to anyone who read this long message, I appreciate it.

I have noticed that my ocd symptoms has went sooooo downhill after my second trimester. I am terrified that this will get only worse during pregnancy. I recently finished my therapy and i dont have any medication currently. I have been getting instrutive false memories from past event. I feel that i’m losing my mind with it, and been crying all these 3 days in a row. I feel like i need to confess these hurtful false memories and instrutive thoughts to my man and i can see him getting upset by them. So, this one tv show triggered my cheating ocd, where this one girl kissed another guy than his spouse. And my situation basicaly was a taxi ride home with my male friend (i promised him to go for his avec to one wedding before knowing my man so i went. We never had anything romantic between us just old colleagues), and i was tipsy and telling him how glad i am to have him as one of my good friends. I kissed him on his cheek and the chat was that. Then we went home where my fiance and other friend was. This happened 3 yrs ago. So i think the cheek kiss triggered my cheating ocd also bc of that tv show. I have told my partner about this millions of times and he is okay with everything. There didnt happen anything else. (Even my ocd is reallllyyyy making it hellish for me to say this) Still i am ruminating so much. And i am doubting that do i remember right, did i kiss him properly, is there smtng i havent registered bc of alcohol etcetc. Or the worst have i told him not to tell me if i ask him? Its so ridiculous. I am SO dissapointed to myself as i was doing so well couple of months ago and now literally i have been asking reassurance from this person who was at the event with me already 2 years ago and now again. Im just embarrasing myself so bad right now😭 I feel so helpless with these kind of situations

firstly im not privileged enough for a diagnosis but i am not the type to just label myself as such, when i had the symptomps i knew there was something wrong with me thats when i searched if such things are normal and it all lead to me having ocd, i wasnt really familiar with ocd back then so i didnt belive that i had it cause i thought its only about physical related obsessions (washing hands, repetitive behaviours etc.) i would get this thoughts that are unwanted and find myself hyperfixating on it and rationalizing my thoughts but in the end ill just keep doubting myself its so bad to the point that it would last months the first time it happend was last year i was in a relationship and experienced rocd where i doubted if i was really loyal to my partner id get this thoughts abt other guys and worry that im being unfaithful. i would research abt things to see if its normal and such and find reassurance that would only work temporarily and then doubt myself all over again. this is just an idea of what i was struggling with but it was more complex than this. that resulted with me breaking up with him. it stopped my ocd. but i got into a relationship again, i was pretty confident because i thought i knew better but guess what it happend again and i had to break up with him again because i was so scared of my own thoughts making me doubt myself. but now i have new obsessions and its pocd and i cant do anything about it to make it go away i honestly feel so disgusted everytime i have thoughts related to kids and i feel so guilty about it. i know deep down that i really have ocd since i relate to every videos about ocd since it EXACTLY explains my situation. like unwanted intrusive thoughts and obsessing about it, constant doubts, trying to fix or ruminate about the thought, having to do something that would make me feel at ease (compulsion) so please help me, i would really want to go to a therapist but i have to explain to my parents first but i feel like they wont bleieve that much and im also starting to doubt myself because of it.

For the past week or so my ocd and anxiety have flared up when it haven’t been for a long time. All I could think the reason for this is from my period but it hasn’t lasted this long in ages and it’s making me feel so down and anxious and I’m lost on what to do or to ease it.

for the past 12 days i’ve really been struggling with feeling contaminated, over washing my hands yet they never feel clean, washing them so hard that i start to sweat and my arms give out. i feel like parts of my body are contaminated from being outside. instead of showering and washing my face like a normal person im avoiding myself because im afraid. im afraid that my hands will get contaminated and i wont stop washing my hands. (i know it doesn’t make sense but im experiencing a lot of stress that’s causing my bladder muscles to tighten and i can’t hold in my pee, i need my hands to be clean to even lower my pants) if i get stuck in a handwashing cycle ill pee myself and i never feel brave enough to start. this week has been very hard for me, struggling to eat, sleep, and bathe. i feel i have to move very carefully just to navigate life in a way that won’t stress me out. the fear of touching these areas and my brain constantly convincing me i did had been very hard on me. i know the answer is obvious but i don’t know how to build up the confidence to do these things. i’ve been in a very stressed out and suicidal state for the past month i really dont want to trigger any negative feelings but this isn’t any better. what can i do to just… i guess not be afraid and go for it?

ik it’s dumb but it does hurt seeing every single one of my friends and my bfs friends post their gf for national gf day but i don’t get a post. it’s v cringe. i know. but it’s triggered me into thinking my bf is cheating on me and idk how to not be so upset with him over something so dumb. i just feel like im being played and our relationship is fake from this STUPID thing. like now i think he’s hiding some alternate life from me and it’s making me question if i know who he is. FROM THIS STUPID MADE UP HOLIDAY THATS AB POSTING A STUPID STORY. i can’t help it. and maybe maybe not mindset is just making me more upset bc it’s so insanely difficult to sit with this kind of uncertainty. i know hes not, but at the same time NO I DONT AND I CANT STOP THINKING AB IT.

hey guys. I’m on my break at work right now. long post. so basically what happened was that I ordered my food. a muffin sandwich I requested comes with egg whites but I received regular eggs. I was thinking to myself “maybe the egg white grill muffin doesn’t come with eggs whites” even though it’s in the name. so I got up and & looked at the menu. it comes with egg whites. I hesitated whether or not to mention this simple (and really not a big deal) mistake to the leader in charge. earlier today the leader was disciplining the kitchen for something that was going on with the food. I wasn’t too sure what it was about but just know that they were being disciplined. fast forward to now, I didn’t know if I should add more weight to the kitchen by telling the leader about the error on my order. I thought about how it could happen to an actual customer & ofc we don’t wanna deal with that bc the restaurant I work for is known to be the best fast service chain in my country. and ofc the company strives to be the best. so I was becoming anxious and eventually told her. she then asked for the muffin (which I was already eating & said it’s no big deal, to just tell them to keep a better eye on the food to prevent future mistakes) and took it inside the kitchen. I knew for a fact she was disciplining them again. I then started to get anxious again bc I didn’t wanna get the kitchen scolded for a simple mistake. I know that we have high standards because of our reputation but sometimes mistakes happen. I stood by the front counter playing with my hands to soothe the anxiousness. the leader came back out & I don’t know exactly what happened in the kitchen but I heard her say “so rude” & then handed me my muffin. I’m guessing a kitchen employee had a negative reaction or something and now I feel like it’s my fault. I feel like I’m causing a bad relationship between my coworkers. I don’t want people to argue. I didn’t mean to cause a bad environment in that moment. I feel like the kitchen probably hates me & is asking like “why can’t she just eat the egg? she has the same type of egg in her burrito.” ofc they didn’t say anything but this is what my mind is telling me. I had no problem eating the muffin with the wrong egg but just wanted to point it out. they remade my muffin (which I told the leader not to) and so now I have it next to me. not sure what to do with it. I might give it someone else because I’m already full. I know this specific leader in charge for today is known for being ‘strict’ I guess. I know her job (as any other leader) is to make sure things are going the way they should. other leaders seem to be a bit more laid back than her. some coworkers know that she’s the “one on your ass” if you make a mistake. this mostly goes for the kitchen. none of them said what I quoted ofc. I’m just putting an example that she seems very vigilant of things. and that’s just what leadership does, especially her position. maybe she might have OCD & dealing with a perfectionism theme. I don’t know. maybe not and she’s just making sure things run smoothly. same with the kitchen; maybe someone is having a bad day and made a simple mistake while thinking about something else. I don’t like to assume things right away. yes, sometimes it happens with me but I try to remember that I don’t know what a person is going through. this post pretty much took up my break lol. anyway, that’s what I wanted to say. thanks for reading if you did. in conclusion, I feel like the bad person here for pointing out a mistake. or that I’m the “snitch” or some shit. idk what to think ughhhh

I am absolutely terrified of the dentist and any other type of doctor. I struggle with health themes and I often think my moles are cancerous, that I have mouth cancer, ovarian cancer, colon cancer etc. While I realize having all of these at once would be super rare, I’ve convinced myself that while I might not have all of those I probably have at least one but I don’t know which one. I worry about having cancer or some other terminal disease almost 24/7 it’s really impacting my life.. the issue is I can’t bring myself to go to any doctor’s appointments. I’ve been doing a little better by building a good relationship with my primary care physician & I’ve had every blood test available & all came back perfect. I got over my fear of the eye doctor and went and got a new prescription for the first time in 8 years & I went to an allergist for the first time. Since my biggest fears are ovarian, mouth and skin cancer I can’t seem to bring myself to go to the gynecologist, dermatologist or dentist. I know if I go I’ll feel better like I did with other appointments but I am SO convinced that I will be told I’m dying that I’m not ready to hear it and too scared to go. I fear I’m letting other health problems that I may have like gum disease get worse due to my fear of receiving bad news which only makes me more scared to go. Any advice or comments are appreciated!

does anyone else get urges to confess to a loved one when experiencing anxiety from an intrusive thought/image?i used to do this in the past but recently i have been trying to not do this, is this a compulsion?anyone else relate?

i have been doing clinical ketamine treatments for over a year and a half now and am curious anyone else’s experience. i have found that my depression and ocd can really feed off one another (obsessions triggering depressive episodes, depressive episodes being the perfect breeding ground for rumination, etc.). because of this, i believe treating my depression in turn supports my ocd treatment. does anyone else notice this relationship between co-occurring mood disorders? or has anyone had experience with ketamine? would love to hear from you guys ❤️

idk if this is my ocd but for the past couple weeks i’ve been disassociating and getting anxious if i look in the mirror too long or look at pictures of myself. like i can’t comprehend what i look like and don’t think im real. i also have difficulty changing simple things abt my appearance like today i put in a hoop in my nose piercing instead of my typical stud and it’s making me feel weird. i feel weird taking pictures of myself, posting pics/videos of myself and like i said even looking in the mirror too long. why don’t i feel real? i feel so weird

i started therapy not too long ago and i really feel like i can’t talk to him at all. it’s so uncomfortable because the stuff im struggling with are all sexually related. each time he asks me about my intrusive thoughts i can’t identify them, ive been given homework to do and i haven’t even started it because im struggling so much to identify what is me and what isn’t. he isn’t a specialist in ocd either, he said he’s worked with people who are worried about the same thing as me but it doesn’t reassure me. in all honesty i dont think it would change anything if he was a specialist in it, i’d still most likely feel the same way. each time we talk about it (eg thought fusion and all) i doubt every little thing he says. it feels like i can’t open up to him in the slightest, when i try to it feels like im lying or if i start to i automatically go back on it and suddenly dont have the courage to talk about it. ive never told anyone my intrusive thoughts before, not even my mum and i tell her everything but i’ll never tell her them. he said he understands why im too scared to write them down, if i do it feels real but i can’t even identify what’s intrusive and what isn’t anymore, there’s no more anxiety. im just constantly thinking about things i don’t want to think about. i don’t know what to do, im spending money on the sessions but i just leave feeling even worse. i’m NOT doing too bad right now so i feel like i don’t need therapy but i know if i was to leave therapy it would most likey get worse again. is this normal? i don’t understand at all. i’m literally lying to him because im too scared to open up.

Hi friends. I wanted to share a bit about my story in hopes that someone else may feel less alone or someone else can help me to feel less alone. I recently graduated college (a year ago) and moved to a city to pursue a graduate degree that is extremely accelerated. I moved away from my boyfriend, my family and most of my friends. I hate the city I live in. It’s terrifying, I’m alone 99% of the time and away from all of my support systems. Initially I was super stressed with the work load and constantly upset about my long distance relationship but now I feel numb to it. In the fall I had my first panic attack which then led to several months of extreme health anxiety. After working with a therapist this subsided and I felt at peace for a total of a week. Then ROCD fell into my lap and hit me like a truck. It was sudden, it happened so fast and scared me to death. It’s been going on for months now. I feel like I’m never present, I constantly question my love for my boyfriend. Is it real? Have I fallen out of love, do I find him attractive…etc. I also do mental compulsions. Checking, validating my feelings, looking at photos, googling OCD to make sure it’s an OCD thought and not actually my own, and seeking reassurance by telling other people. I tried to stop engaging in these compulsions but the lack of communication to my boyfriend increases my feelings of guilt which increases my beliefs that this is real and this is how I feel, despite the fact that I get so anxious over this thought. I feel like I’m at a stand still. Still in the long distance, trying to self manage, trying to avoid compulsions but hating my brain for bullying me with this conversation all day that makes me question my authenticity. I can’t determine my core fear…I am at a road block and looking for help.

Just wanting to put this out there to see if anyone else relates. I’ve always tried to pinpoint the root cause of my most frequent “themes” for my intrusive thoughts. I experience Sexual Orientation OCD, Gender OCD, Relationship OCD, Pedo OCD, Harm OCD, and few others that I feel I’ve gotten better with like Germ OCD. I think my OCD really began when I was a teenager and the more I think back and think on my themes and their impact on my mood when they happen, makes me try to relate them to some trauma I experienced as a child that causes me to question my reality and beliefs. Like being called a lesbian slur in school because I was self conscious of my weight and so I wore boy clothes because they were more comfortable and not form fitting. And I also think I may be autistic due to many reasons (like the sensory issue of clothes being too tight) but one being that I mirrored people I wanted to befriend or be liked by and this was a problem in school growing up because I tried skateboarding and sports and such to impress boys because I thought to be liked by them, I had to relate to them and it happened again in high school when I tried to be “country” and like hunting and trucks and all that to fit in more with my new school that was in a small southern town. All of this to say my whole childhood, all I’ve wanted was to be liked, loved, and to fit in and I WANTED to be feminine but femininity didn’t fit with my body size/shape and all the girly things just made me too seen and like everyone could see every flaw I had in bright neon colors. Thankfully as I’ve grown up I’ve found my own style and way of expression and embracing my femininity and curves. I’ve let loose on my personality to be my authentic self but my thoughts throw me back to when I dressed and acted more boyish to fit in and get boyfriends saying “you’re not feminine, you’re masculine, you’re just acting feminine” amongst other thoughts and it makes it hard to enjoy being happy with ACTUALLY being myself because my mind keeps telling me I’m faking. I also had trauma with being groomed growing up by older men and my older sister practicing kissing with me even though I didn’t want to (we are 2.5 years apart) and that gives me intrusive thoughts about finding younger people attractive (like teens much younger than me) and gives me anxiety when I’m trying to change my nieces diaper giving me intrusive thoughts like “don’t touch her there, don’t look there, you’re violating her” when in reality, I’m just trying to make sure she doesn’t get a UTI from not being wiped all the way clean after pooping. This was a much longer post than intended and I could keep going with more examples but I just want to see if anyone else can relate to this and what has helped them.

I’ve been dealing with a terribly overwhelming bout of OCD for a few months now, possibly the worst I’ve ever had in my 12 years of having it; which is what led me here. I’ve always had doubts in my long term relationship, but none that have been quite this vicious, making me question my sense of safety with this sweet man who has ALWAYS made me feel safe and comfortable. It picks on every aspect of our relationship, and any moment it can to make me question if he’s actually secretly a bad person. This thing has a chokehold on me and it is so scary and debilitating, especially with it targeting something I care so deeply about. And now weeks into therapy, I almost feel that unpacking it is making me feel worse and my OCD is finding all sorts of new things to pick on. Any comforting words would be appreciated… I’m trying really hard to work through this.

Before anything is commented please be kind and don’t tell me to “leave”. I am on here bc I am scared and worried over my thoughts. My boyfriend has betrayed me , (not going to get into the details but will say there was nothing physical that happened) but I do forgive him bc I know during the time it happened I was a not so great partner either. He doesn’t blame me for anything at all, and is extremely regretful for what he has done. We both are committed to strengthening our relationship and growing. That being said, my old OCD thoughts keep coming up , probably from being stressed, and now I keep worrying that these thoughts are now real bc since I got betrayed now every intrusive thought I have about my boyfriend that I literally know I want, is now real.

What do you do when nothing feel right. Like for example I feel like everything triggers me, everything feels weird, sounds, actions, my room. I feel like i will go insane any second and I cant enjoy anything, I cant be happy about my upcoming new job or events. I have OCD about me having shizhophrenia and omg it has ruined my life, it has only been about 3 weeks, but it has got me complitely. I want my old self back and I am scared that my loved one will leave me bc i am not getting better. I really want a new theme as funny it sounds, because even 2 years ago harm OCD was't this hard. I feel like something in me is changing, but i dont want it 😭 I will start therapy in the end of August and I just started taking medication. But for now I cant imagine this stopping and I fear that it will go downhill from this, i cant see me doing better, because if i have a good day I rember how i felt yesterday or when I had a panic attack and I cant get enough of it, i always remember those feelings and I start to worry about it over and over again.